UPDATE

Hello. 

It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

I didn’t feel like writing here for a long time. In fact, I almost shuttered the whole thing. Something stopped me, though.

Things got bad. Very bad. Maybe the worst they’ve ever been for me so far, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. But I did. Granted, I’m a bit battle scarred, but still here.

The divorce didn’t happen. I genuinely thought it would. I was terrified. I told people. I started making plans and trying to figure out what I was going to do, but ultimately, we didn’t do it. It hasn’t been easy, and things are still a bit raw in spots, but we came out on the other side.

I was too afraid to say anything just in case. I still am, a little. But I decided that maybe someone might want to know.

Lots of things have changed in the past year. I’ve lost people who meant the world to me, and I’ve had to learn to adjust, but I’m ok for now.

Things are still strange, but I’m grateful for what I have. We’ll see what happens.

I hope you’re well, too.

SO...

Well, I don't like to write this, but to make it seem real, I'm going to.

Steve is divorcing me. He told me last Thursday.

I didn't want this, and for all intents and purposes, I didn't think it would actually happen. I thought things would get better, or at least we'd work on our problems. In fact, I thought we'd been doing better for the last couple of months. That is because I am a trusting, naive fool.

I am not worth being forgiven. I am to be thrown away.

No idea on the timeline, or where I'll live, or how I'll mentally deal with it, but those are all things I'll consider later. 

There are a million things I will have to think to do, but I'm not in the right frame of mind to think of anything. Right now I'm having to make myself do one thing at a time just to get through the days.

I can't eat, I have to drug myself to sleep, and my life is now a giant crater where a bomb has gone off and nothing has survived. I am barely hanging on to my sanity.

So, while everyone else gets to go and live their best life, mine has been broken beyond repair. All over a mistake so stupid that I can't even believe I was idiotic enough to make in the first place.

I don't know how I'm going to survive.

HUH...WEIRD

If you don't mind, I'm going to ignore everything else in my life for a second to tell you a weird thing that happened the other night.

I was asleep, but not completely asleep, and my phone rang. I looked at the clock and immediately panicked, because it was 12:30 AM, which (in my head) usually means that someone is dead and I'm getting a call about it. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen to grab my phone, and the ringing stopped. The screen said "No Caller ID" and no one left a message.

Well, ok then. Maybe a spam call? Maybe a wrong number? Mabe a glitch? Eh.

But still...it scared the crap out of me! I don't have friends I chat with anymore. No one calls me but my mom! I was asleep-ish and my phone rang at a scary hour! So I had to stand there staring at my phone for a second until my adrenaline rush passed.

Then the phone rang again while I was holding it. Still "No Caller ID" on the screen. Of course, I answered it, just in case it really was an emergency, and I could hear someone on the other end. They wouldn't say anything! I just kept saying "Hello?!" over and over, but they never talked, I just heard rustling and movement.

I didn't find out until the next day that someone has to purposefully conceal their number to get a "No Caller ID" message on the display. Whether or not the person meant to call me and not someone in a kinder time zone is the real question.

Maybe it was nothing, and the call wasn't meant for me. Occam's razor and all of that.

But am I wrong to think that is weird? Not, you know, super weird, but still weird. Anyway, if someone wants to call me and not say anything when I answer, I'm ok with that. They can even be obscene if they want, because I can just hang up or laugh (depending on the level of obscene.) I just don't want them to do it in the middle of the night and scare me into thinking someone in my family has been killed. Capiche?  

THERE ARE PROTOCOLS. Geez.

NOPE

Nope. I was wrong. 

Back to square one.

I’m so tired.

FYI

Things are currently…ok. 

Not perfect, not awesome, but a bit better. Working on it, at least.

It’s been a long, fecking few months, though. 

We’ll see how it goes.

I’m so damn tired.

 Have you ever just given up? I think I’m there. I don’t want to be there, but I don’t have a choice.

Again, sorry to be cryptic, but it’s still not my story to tell.

I made some mistakes that made things bad. Everything I try to do to help makes things worse. It’s like I’m trying to stop a tsunami with a net.

Everything is black. There isn’t any hope and I am drowning. This is just life now. I’m not being melodramatic.

I’m not sure prayers work anymore, but if you have a few lying around you don’t need, I could use one.

SIGH

 Everything in my life is spinning out of my control right now and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

I am so completely overwhelmed. Like, really, really.

Sorry to be cryptic, I know that’s annoying. Most of it isn’t actually my story to tell, but I'm getting pulled along in the wake and I’m beginning to feel a bit desperate.

I’m not looking for pity, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to, so I’m telling whoever still reads this thing.

(As a thank you for reading this, kind stranger, I hope my discomfort means the universe is too busy with me to make things difficult for you. Hope it’s great, whatever you’re doing. Balance and all that. Good luck with that thing.)