MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 Hello there! I'm so glad you're still around.

This has been a weird year. What a time to be alive, am I right? Hehe!

I'm sorry that there hasn't been a lot to read about on my blog this year. I sat down to write here several times, but I just couldn't make myself be interesting. I wanted to write some stuff, because I like my little blog and I'm not ready to let it die just yet, but most of the time when I sat down to write, I didn't think I had anything good to say. There wasn't much I felt like writing about.

Plus, as I've mentioned several times, there just hasn't been that much going on. Steve is still working from home, and I've still been going into the offices. We buy groceries, wash our hands, watch TV, and eat. I worry about how much weight I have gained and how little exercise I actually do. Seriously, it's getting desperate! I miss my friends and I worry every time I'm with family that somehow I'm going to make them sick. It's been kind of a bummer for the past nine or ten months, and who wants to write (or read) about that?

But I'm still around, and good and virus free (so far!) I hope very much that things start to improve on a global scale very soon. I hope that the virus gets bitch-slapped, and people shut up about politics, and things can get back to a kind of normal in the days to come.

Also, I'm very thankful for you guys who still stop by to see what I'm doing. I just wanted to say hello, and merry Christmas, and that hope that the new year will bring you many happinesses and joys and the good kind of excitement! 

Let's hope that in the new year, we have a lot more exciting stuff to talk about!

Cheers!

PS: There is one more thing I need to say and it's very important.

For some reason the song "You Can Leave Your Hat On" has been circling my brain for the past little while (which means my OCD meds are probably not working correctly) and I have an issue.

First off, I learned about the song from "The Full Monty" soundtrack, where it is performed by Tom Jones. That is the version I love. I used to have the MP3 of that version before my old computer decided to shuffle off this mortal coil, and I didn't have a back-up of it. 

When I tried to go to Apple and buy it, there were a lot of versions of the song, but none of them were by Tom Jones. When I asked Alexa (shut up, I love her) to play it, she would only play the one by Joe Cocker. Cocker's version is not bad, but it doesn't hold a candle to the one by Tom Jones. 

Joe Cocker sounds like he's having fun singing a slightly risque song. Tom Jones sounds like he's trying to peel off your panties with his voice. I suppose you know which one I like the best.

Apparently you can't buy that version of the song for love or money anymore. Perhaps the incidences of spontaneous pregnancies due to Tom Jones' version of the song became overwhelming. I don't know, but I am bitter about this.

So if you come across that version of the song someplace other than YouTube and it doesn't cost an arm or a soul, let me know. I need it in my life.

That is all.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING 2: THE BLOGGANING

 1) Up until last year, Steve had never carved a pumpkin for Halloween. 

Pause:

Steve's childhood baffles me, because although he had loving, attentive parents and had a seemingly otherwise normal childhood, he didn't do a lot of things your average, non-Jehovah's Witness, kid would have done as a matter of course. Until we got married, he had never colored Easter eggs, never made a Jack-O-Lantern, and had never had a birthday party. None of this is relevant to what I'm going to talk about, but a tangent is a trip I always seem to take regardless of the direction I NEED to be going in. 

Unpause:

Last year he carved his first pumpkin and he seemed to enjoy it, so this year he went to a place and brought home two pumpkins so we could carve them to decorate the stoop.  Unfortunately, lack of time and waning interest in doing the carving left us two pumpkins sitting around the house. We moved them to the floor of the kitchen for a day or two to get them out of the way. Well, one of them started to mold. I didn't notice right away, because it started at the bottom, and it leaked pumpkin water (?) all over the floor and caused one two of our floorboards to warp a little. Gross and inconsiderate! So I took it outside and threw it against some rocks in our back garden to bust it open so that the critters could eat the seeds while they were stocking up for winter. No critter would touch it. I would watch squirrels and birds circle it, and none of them would go near it. 

For some reason this ticked me off. I threw a moldy, but still useful, pumpkin out there for them and they were not eating it! We have all kinds of small animals back there, and even some bigger ones that come around, and that stupid pumpkin was never touched.  Maybe they didn't want it because it was moldy or something, but still...

So I took the other, perfectly normal, non-moldy pumpkin that we had placed on our stoop to the back yard and cracked it open. No mold, full of seeds, and should have been delicious to any animal getting ready for winter, and yet, none of them will eat it! I literally watch animals walk over and look at it and then walk away!  Why do they not touch my autumn offerings? WHY?!

My only consolation is this: If I were to have woken up one morning to find a random bacon cheeseburger in my kitchen, would I eat it? Probably not. I would wonder where it came from, and maybe wonder if someone was trying to poison me with delicious foods. Maybe I'm not giving my back yard vermin enough credit. Maybe they are suspicious of the feast that suddenly appeared in their living space. Maybe they don't trust me. This makes me weirdly sad.

These are the kind of things that occupy me these days. Oy.

2) Y'all, I made a stupid, stupid, stupid impulse purchase the other day. 

In my defense, online shopping has made it WAY too easy to buy things when I'm tired, and when I'm tired, I don't make very good choices. Shopping while sleepy is how I ended up with two pairs of Pajama Jeans.

I already know that you are going to judge me and think I'm very dumb with money, and yes, obviously sometimes I can be, so judge away. I deserve it. I'm telling you this as a way to shame myself.

I bought a $49 dollar pineapple. It's not a fake pineapple that will last forever, but a real pineapple that we can eat.  Please don't disown me.

In my defense, it isn't a normal pineapple! It's a newly created and rare kind of pineapple that Del Monte has just put out for sale. I have this...thing...I guess you'd call it, about being able to taste interesting, new, different things! Usually, I never get a chance to do it, because whatever it is isn't sold where I can get my hands on whatever it is. There are fruits that I'll never get to try unless I backpack through South America, and dishes I'll never eat unless I decided to live in rural China. There are a million variety of apples I'll never taste because they can't be shipped! That isn't fair!!!!  So when I was reading about this pineapple, and saw there was a link to a fruit company that was selling them, I kind of lost my head.

It's called a Pinkglow Pineapple, which, now that I think about it, sounds like a kinky sex toy. 

OK, so pineapples usually contain lycopene, which is the same thing that makes tomatoes red, but a naturally occurring enzyme in the fruit usually converts the lycopene to beta carotene, which is yellow. This pineapple has been changed to contain less of the enzyme, so the fruit stays pink. It's supposed to taste a little different, be sweeter, and be pink. Probably for Instagram. I have no idea. This fruit takes years to grow and and is only just now available to be shipped. 

Look, I know none of this makes spending $49 dollars on a damn pineapple any better, but what is done is done. I have grounded myself from buying anything other than necessities for a while because this was indeed a stupid, frivolous purchase.

But...but... let's be real here, I'm probably still going to enjoy it, because right now, I'm going to take any chance for a new experience! If it takes a pink pineapple and some buyers remorse to do it, so be it. 

NOTE: We tried it last night. It was good! It was not $49 good, though. :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) So, here is how the situation with the cat has ended.

Steve decided that he didn't want her remains to be disposed of without anyone to claim them, so he had Simba cremated and now we have her cremains on the same shelf as Butler and Bear. We aren't sure they would have gotten along very well in life, but we figure that in that Rainbow Bridge place, they are probably all friends.

The really weird thing is that we know that Simba was someone else's cat. She had to be. She was fat, way too friendly for a feral animal, and she had no instinct to protect herself when the dogs got after her. We are fairly sure she had been a house cat for some time before she came to us, which means that there is a family, or a person, who has no idea what happened to her. Although she lived with us for more than a year, and was for all intents and purposes our cat, we both feel kind of bad that somewhere out there are people who might miss her, and they don't know she died, and that we have her ashes in an urn in our dining room. 

Animal control came over and talked to Steve the next day. We could have pressed charges against the people who owned the dog, but we chose not too. As much as the whole situation sucked, we didn't want to make it a THING. You know what I mean? We hate that Simba died the way she did, but we didn't want to be responsible for anyone losing their dog, when really, the dog was just being a dog. The Animal Control guy said that they wouldn't have lost the dog, but they would have had to pay more fines. Apparently when the neighbors called the police after it all happened, they are already getting hit with a vicious animal charge, which is a hefty fine already. We still declined, and the officer thought we were being really too nice about the whole thing. We were just done wanting to think of it. The officer did go to the house where the owners lived and told them how kind we were being, and how they need to be more careful with their dogs and all of that.

Ya know, I don't expect any of them to offer to pay the vet bills or bring us cookies, but you'd think one of them would at least holler over the fence and say that they were sorry their dog ate our cat. Don't you?

2) I think the social distancing is starting to get to me. Granted, Steve is at home and we see people at church and when we run errands (and the craziness that is associated with not really having control over who you see in places like that) but I've realized that I've developed a borderline Imaginary Friend. I say borderline, because it is a real person I pretend to talk to, but that person isn't really there, so really, I'm projecting my own ideas and thoughts onto the idea of a person and having conversations with them. 

Not out loud, though. Sigh. This seems weird. It is weird, isn't it?

I guess the only real problem with what I'm doing is if I see this person in real life and expect them to remember what we talked about in my head.

Is this what it feels like to go mad? 

3) We have been re-watching The Office again lately. When it was first on the air, I was a HUGE fan of the show. I made sure that I was at home to see it when it aired if possible, and it is, to date, only one of two shows I ever paid Apple to watch if I wasn't at home to watch it live. (The other was Lost. Don't judge me.) I watched every episode, and I got emotionally involved with characters, and I think it made me cry a couple of times. It was one of those shows I connected with for whatever reason, and I loved it so much.

I'm not sure it's held up, though. As we've watched it again, I find myself wanting to punch Michael Scott so much, and Jim...well...he isn't as nice as I remember. I also don't remember it making me cringe quite so much as it does now. In fact, I worry more about the fact that they work in a paper company during a time when paper was being used less and less, than I care about anything else they're doing! I get stressed because I know their company will become obsolete in a few years time. How stupid is that? Haha!

I guess that's the difference between being 27 and 42 years old and watching the same show. Now I'm old and jaded, I guess! Sometimes you can't go home again!

4) Sorry for the filler, but things are so boring. Nothing fun is happening right now, so there isn't much to talk about. Probably the most exciting thing I've gotten to do lately is see the Super Retriever Series dogs compete in the parking lot of the local Marshall's. You can social distance and watch dogs jump into big tanks of water and, well, retrieve stuff and swim back. We can't pet the dogs, though, so it's almost not worth it!

Ugh, I miss my friends and my cat, but otherwise, things are fine. We are fine. Our jobs are fine. Our families are fine. Everything here is fine! I hope you're also fine and enjoying life as much as possible!

 

IT'S ALL RELATIVE

Humor me for a moment, will you? 

Are you familiar with the "Many Worlds Theory?" I'm not going to pretend that I can explain it the right way, but as I understand it, it means that all possible outcomes occupy a place in and on an infinite amount of different worlds. That's probably not exactly right, but it's close enough. I have always interpreted it as every possibility of a choice creates it's own reality. That makes a lot of realities, since we make hundreds of choices every day, but the idea makes an odd amount of, ahem, sense to me. I will think of it as the Quantum "Sliding Doors" Theory. (Pratt, 2020) So every time a decision is made, another reality is created where the opposite decision was made. So, say, I decided not to marry Steve back in 2000, and now there is a very complex parallel reality where I become a plus size stripper or anchor person on MSNBC. Maybe both. 

One thing that Steve and I talk about sometimes, only partially seriously, is that people must have the ability to inadvertently slip between realities. I already know that sounds crazy, but my theory is that if a new reality is created to accommodate a new outcome it has to go someplace, and if the outcome of a choice is fairly minor, then the reality isn't that far removed physically from the one we are currently living in, maybe even overlapping it. So, say, if in one reality Kool-Aid never created a blue raspberry flavor, then that blue-raspberry-less reality is positioned much closer to the original reality because it would be a small change. So one day you might wake up with a craving for that Kool-Aid, but go to the store only to find out it never existed. You might remember having that flavor many times, or seeing commercials for it, but no one else remembers it. That would mean you somehow crossed over into the different reality through one of the overlapping places. Stephen King calls them a "thinny" or a thin place in reality. Of course, in his case, the alternate realities are full of Lovecraftian monsters, while my own ideas are more about which Kool-aid you can buy. 

Potato - Potahto

Anyways, this has been coming up a lot for me lately and it's getting weird. Not long ago I had a conversation about something I thought I heard a friend say years ago, but he said he didn't say. I could remember it so clearly that you could have held me at gunpoint at any time and asked about it, and I would have sworn on the bible that he did. However, he didn't. Obviously, I just misunderstood what he did say, but in my head it was so freaking clear that hearing otherwise makes it seem unreal.

Another example is something my mom told me, or so I thought. It was a story about my aunt going somewhere and getting sick. I remember hearing the story and being indignant about it, because it seemed like a silly risk for her to take. I remember details about the story, down to being able to imagine the situation. I even told that story to my coworker, because I was irritated that it happened. I brought it up to my mom yesterday and she had no idea what I was talking about. She said that never happened, and proceeded to tell me a completely different story of how she got sick. In fact, over the past couple of years, that same thing has happened to me with my mom. I remember her telling me stories about family members, and those stories became part of the way I thought of my extended family in general, but when I've asked her about it, she said none of it was the way it actually happened.

It's not just me, though,. It's happened to Steve as well! We were standing in his office and heard a big truck outside, so we looked out of the window and saw a utility truck a crew working on a fire hydrant. He said "When did we get a fire hydrant there?" I didn't remember ever seeing any big utility work being done on that side of the street, so it couldn't have been put there in the past 20 years, so it had to be there much longer. Also, it's an old hydrant, so if it were newer, it wouldn't look the way it does. That might not be so weird under most circumstances, but he's lived in that house literally all his life. How could he live somewhere for 45 years and not notice a yellow fire hydrant right across the street? He's also had other things happen to him several times that he's noticed recently don't exactly jive with his memories.

Now, I'm not saying any of this is real or that it's true, or even that I honestly believe in it. For all I know, we are just considering a pseudo-scientific explanation for both of us having really bad memories! But it has been happening enough lately that it's starting to become almost too much of a coincidence. 

Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever believed or remembered something clearly, only to have it be proven later on that it was different than you thought? Think about it, or at least start paying closer attention to some of your memories in case some things you've thought for years are suddenly very different. 

I'll just stop here before you really think I've gone off the deep end. I hope you wake up in the right reality! Especially the one that has blue raspberry Kool-Aid!

UGH

 You know, one day I will eventually have something good and fun and interesting to post about. 

But it is not this day.

You know, I actually wrote the story with all of the details and asides, and meandering facts, but I just don't have the heart to publish it. It was sad, and personally traumatizing, and although I'd like to talk about it, it just...sucks. So I will sum it up.

Basically, the three dogs that live next door from us attacked the stray cat we've been taking care of. Hell, I say we were taking care of the cat, but she was basically our cat. She came inside all of the time, and Steve had been sleeping in the living room with her, because he was afraid the coyotes that sometimes show up in our neighborhood at night would kill her. Steve wanted to formally adopt her and let her live inside, and I made a fuss about it because I didn't want an animal pooping in our house, so we had put off the decision until we could think about it a bit more. Nevertheless, I loved the cat. I wanted her to be happy and safe.

There is a weak spot in the neighbor's chain link fence and the dogs got out. I didn't know what was going on, except that I saw the dogs in our backyard, so I ran out to get them back in their own yard and I heard a commotion. One of the dogs, a pit bull (who seemed to be the sweetest of the three dogs when we met them) had approached some people walking in the street. They were yelling, and the girl who the dog belonged to was crying, and it was all very confusing. As I was going back home, I heard the neighbor say "They attacked this cat" and I immediately worried that it was Simba. I went over there and she was all bloody and messy and still alive. It was awful. When I saw it was her, I started crying (in front of strangers, which I hate to do) but they got a box for her and told me to take her to the emergency vet.  They called the cops, even, because Animal Control doesn't work on Sundays. It was very surreal.

I called Steve (who was at church. I wasn't feeling well that morning and I stayed home.) and told him to meet me there. The people helped me get Simba into the car, and I drove a bloody, hurt cat making terrible sounds to the emergency vet. It was horrible. I was crying and telling her that I was sorry, and I couldn't even pet her because I was driving and didn't know where she was hurt.

They took her back immediately, but said she had spinal injuries that would seriously make her quality of life awful, so Steve and I decided to do the humane thing. We got to see her and pet her and be with her while they put her down. It was awful.

So now the cat is gone. We loved her. I keep tearing up thinking about her on the table at the vet's office. She made the saddest sounds. They keep echoing in my head. I hope she knew how much we cared about her. She didn't deserve that.

FIVE MONTHS

It's been a little over five months since Sara died. It feels weird to even type that sentence, but life has been weird all summer, hasn't it? 

I thought that, when my oldest friend passed away, that I'd feel very different than I actually have. Grief is a weird thing and it is different for every person and in every situation, but I don't think I really understood that until the past few years.  When my dad died, I felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest that wouldn't heal. It was a physical feeling, not just an emotional one. I'd forget to breathe sometimes and find myself randomly gasping for air. It was like being buried under heavy rocks all of the time. What happened in the following year didn't help that feeling in the least, so that's what I thought grief was supposed to feel like for everything.

Of course, then in 2018 I lost four people I liked a great deal, one right after another, and found that real, honest grief comes in various colors and flavors (none of them good) but all of them very particular to each person. Because of that, you can never be quite prepared for how you'll feel.

See, the thing is, I knew Sara was dying. I knew she was that sick. She had gone for treatments for her problems in late February and found out that she would need another transplant if she was going to recover and that she wasn't going to do it. I still thought we'd have way more time. Kind of like those scenes in the movie "Beaches" (hehe, don't judge me) where you'd get those chances to see each other, and  get used to the idea that the end was near. We didn't get that, of course. She got an infection and that was that. She passed away, alone, and in another state. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I expected to feel that hole in the chest feeling again, but it didn't come. I sometimes struggle with that, because I feel like that should have been the more appropriate feeling. She was a Soul Friend, and honestly, you don't get many of those in a lifetime. I had four of them (now three) and the thought of being without any of them has always made me feel afraid and panicky. I thought that it would be a time of black depression and sadness, and maybe in a world where we weren't dealing with COVID-19 and quarantined all of the bullshit that has gone along with it, that would have been the case. Instead, it's been like pain from a thousand paper cuts. 

Sometimes I forget she's gone. I see something and I want to tell her about it, or something happens that I want to update her on and I realize I can't. I'll go to a restaurant and think "Oh, Sara and I need to go there" or I'll want to complain about something. She was the only one who knew all of my secrets, and I'll want to talk about something to do with those, but I can't. Even this morning, I was looking at make-up online and saw eyebrow makeup for red-heads (Sara fought the eyebrow battle until the day she died) and wanted to send it to her, but of course, I couldn't. Then I think of the things that I didn't do, or couldn't do, or should have done or said, and it's just a constant reminder that I'm powerless about it. 

It's the little things like that that make it hard.

But having said all of that, I'm kind getting to the point where I am ok with it all. Sara was my best friend, and I'll always miss her every day. I'm not ok with her death, obviously, but I'm ok with feeling the sadness. When you lose someone you love they leave a hole. You can fill that hole with pain and anger, you can fill it with all kinds of things that you can use to try and make you forget, or you can fill that hole with good memories and love and gladness that you knew them. Even with the pain, I'm trying mightily to fill it when the latter. 

And that's all I have to say about that.

STILL...ALIVE...

Ten points if you know where the title of this blog entry came from!

WARNING: Rambling Ahead. 

Yes, I'm still kicking, and no, nothing interesting has been happening. At least I don't think so. It's kind of weird, but I have the WORST memory right now. I don't know if it's because so many days are the same, too much Sweet and Low, or if my brain is finally catching up to my age. At any rate, if anything interesting has happened, it wasn't interesting enough to remember.  

I haven't known what to do with myself, lately. I feel like everything is still on hold. I suppose that's really is what is going on. The world hasn't gotten back to normal yet and I am heartily tired of it!

Let's see...I went to the doctor the other day. Finally. I used to go three or four times a year, but my current GP only sees me once a year. In some ways that's rad, because I don't particularly like going to the doctor, but in other ways it kind of sucks because a year is a long time not to know if your blood work is right or whatever. Granted, I know I could make an appointment if something was wrong, but what if it's something I don't notice? How do you know if your cholesterol is bad, or something like that? Eh, well, I guess that's the price you pay not to have to be arsed to go to the doctor more than you want to.

I like my doctor a lot. I met him last year. He's a bit younger than me, quite nice, and funny. He is one of those people that I immediately felt comfortable around when I met him, which is both rare and cool. He came into the exam room wearing a Batman print mask. I made a comment and he said he normally has some Harry Potter masks that he wears, but he'd forgotten them at home and had to wear that one as a backup.  Of course I asked him if he was a Harry Potter fan, in which he demurred and said that he wasn't a huge fan. So I pressed him about whether or not he knew his Hogwarts house. He was a Griffindor. Of course he was. 

Look, I know knowing your Hogwarts house seems like a silly thing, and it means nothing, but I love it when people have enough of a sense of humor to enjoy silly things like that. Especially adults. If you're reading this and don't know your house, please go to Pottermore and find out! It brings me joy. (Of course, I'm a Slytherin, so what do I know? Haha!) ;)

Since my appointment was a wellness check, he and I talked about a lot of stuff. I told him about the panic attacks (he didn't seem worried, but did refill my emergency meds) and I told him about my back. That he seemed worried about. Mainly because I'm so limited as to what I can do because of it. I can't run anymore, I can't comfortably ride a bike, and hell, I can't even do yoga anymore without having to sleep on an ice pack. He told me I could probably swim for exercise, which would be great if I could swim. He told me I could have ...and I don't know what it was...radicular something or other. The only reason I remember that much is because I thought he said I had a ridiculous something or other. I mean, maybe whatever it is is ridiculous, but it still hurts. Other than that, there were just a few things I need to work on. My weight, my cholesterol, my blood sugar levels. The usual. They took a lot of blood for some other tests, but I guess they all came back fine because they didn't contact me again.

Ya know what? I just realized I talked, at length, about a doctor's appointment. I really am turning into an old person! But really, it's been the highlight of the last two months! What else can I talk about?

One day we will get to to stuff again and I'll have new stories and adventures. One day! Don't give up on me! 

SO WEIRD!

As anyone who's been around me a while knows, I always have very vivid dreams. I dream every night and I usually dream in such a way that I remember what I dream about, for a while anyways. I love dreaming. Granted, not every dream is good, or even interesting, but at least I don't get too bored while I sleep.

Steve, on the other hand, doesn't dream very often, or at least he hardly ever remembers his dreams. I think I probably irritate him by telling him my weird ass dreams, and asking him about his own, because I don't think dreams matter much to him. That's not a terrible thing, except when I want to talk about them! Heehee

Anyways, last night I had two dreams. The first one isn't the important one, but the second one is the weird one. It's not even weird because of the subject matter, but...well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I dreamed that Steve and I were supposed to meet Josh to have drinks in the restaurant of a hotel. We decided to get a room at the hotel so we wouldn't be late and miss Josh before he had to leave town, so we spent some time (Shut up, it isn't that kind of dream. Perv.) sitting and talking in the room before we went downstairs. Since we were staying at the hotel, I left my purse, my shoes, room key and my other stuff in the room so I didn't have to keep up with them. We had our drinks, said goodbye, and walked back towards the lobby of the hotel. The lobby was attached to a mall (?) and so while I was standing in the edge of the hallway looking into the mall, Steve turned and walked out the front doors. He didn't say anything to me, so I stood there for a long time waiting for him to come back. He never did. So I panicked and ran to one of the stores in the mall to ask if I could find a phone to call him to come and get me, but I couldn't remember his number. So I was stranded, barefoot, with no money and no way to get back into the room. I was mad about it! There was more, but that was the gist.

So I woke up and told Steve about the dream. He gave me a weird look and said "I dreamed I left you in a hotel so I could go and fill the car with gas before we had to go home. I realized I didn't tell you where I was going, so I called to tell you and you got mad at me."

We have not talked about traveling together recently, nor have we had an argument about anything remotely like that, but both of us had a dream, on the same night, that he left me in a hotel and didn't tell me where he was going, and I ended up getting mad about it! The fact that Steve hardly ever remembers his dreams, plus the fact that we had complimentary dreams about basically the same thing on the same night, that's weird, right? 

Well, I think it's weird. Pretty darn cool, but still weird. 

WELL, THAT SUCKED!

 Let me preface what I'm about to say with I'm sorry if this sounds like whining. That is not my intention at all. I just want to write about an experience I had over the weekend that freaked me out a bit so that I can hopefully stop thinking about it!  It's more of a therapeutic writing down of things, if you will. It's harshing my chill.

Over the weekend, Steve was gone to visit some family. I was alone, which I have never minded being. These days, especially with, (*gestures widely at the world*) all of this that's going on, I rarely get time by myself and it's nice to do my own dos and think my own thinks. No offense to Steve, but, yeah.

So Friday was fine. Friday was great. Friday was all the things that a Friday should be and more. I stayed up fairly late so Friday wouldn't be over so fast, you know how those things go. So when I finally went to sleep, I was 100% fine. That is important to know.

I woke up exactly two hours later in a blind, complete, irrational panic. You know that feeling you get when someone jumps out at you and you scream and jump back? Imagine that, but that feeling doesn't stop. I sat up in bed, mostly asleep, and every fiber in my body is on edge telling me that something was very, very wrong. It felt like electricity was running through my body and my first clear thought was that I couldn't breathe. I sat on the edge of the bed gasping and clawing at my throat, only to only finally realize that I was breathing just fine. That didn't help, though, so I ran through the house to the bathroom and threw some cold water on myself (because that sometimes works to shock me out of an anxiety attack) but it just made it all worse. I managed to grab one of my anti-anxiety pills out of the cabinet and tossed it back, but I knew that it would take about 1/2 an hour before it would take effect.

I ran back and got into bed, with waves and waves of panic running through me. I lay there and tried to rationally figure out what was wrong, which is another thing that sometimes helps pull me out of an attack, but my brain wouldn't cooperate. I kept thinking "I'm here alone and something is wrong. I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!" Every one of my muscles were locked up and I was shaking. It was awful. I thought about calling my mom, but I knew she would be afraid because I couldn't tell her what exactly was going on, and if she decided to drive across town (which she absolutely would) she might not be careful. I finally called Steve, even though he was hours away, because what I mainly needed was someone to talk to to keep me from feeling so alone. I hated to do it, because I knew he'd be asleep and he might get mad, but thankfully he didn't. I lay there in bed, shaking, talking to him, trying to explain what was going on, but finally just talking about anything while trying to unlock my brain from whatever was going on. He talked me into taking another of the pills, which I did - chewing it up this time to make it work faster - and after about 15 minutes, I calmed down enough to get off of the phone. It was terrifying, and I have no idea what the trigger was that caused it.  I've had one anxiety attack similar to it before, years ago, and I wound up in an emergency room because the doctor thought I was having a heart attack. This one was arguably worse. I finally managed to fall asleep again after about an hour when the meds kicked in.

I ended up sleeping until after noon, because the medicine does that to me. When I woke up, I felt like I'd been in some kind of accident. I hurt all over, and I still had remnants of the shakes. I couldn't eat, I couldn't work on the graphics stuff I needed to do, and I couldn't even take a shower. I sat in my chair and watched mindless TV until I could function like a human being again. My mom called and I told her what had happened, and I was right not to call her, I think. She would have come right away, but not in a good frame of mind. She invited me to come and stay with them, but I told her no. I had to be at church the next day, and I didn't want to admit I was too shaky to drive. I ended up taking another anti anxiety pill and calming down enough to eat and get out of the chair for a while, but I was completely drained. I was ok after that, but I made sure to have my medicine in the bedroom with me and a phone in my hand when I went to sleep, in case it happened again. Thankfully, it didn't.

Hand to God, I don't know what triggered such an awful attack. I don't sleep much anyway, so it wasn't going to bed late. I was in a great frame of mind when I was falling asleep, and I don't remember any nightmares. The main thing I remember when waking up was that something just felt wrong. Once I realized I could breathe, my main issue was that I was afraid that I'd have to call someone to come and help me, and I kept thinking "I don't want to go to the hospital again, I don't want to go to the hospital again."  I don't know why I kept thinking that, because I couldn't pinpoint anything that would make me have to go to the hospital. It was very, very weird.  Thankfully by Sunday morning, I felt more myself. I made it to church and was ok by the time Steve came home.  I still don't know what happened.

I do have one theory, and it may be very stupid, but it's the only one I have.

As I have mentioned before, I have degenerative disk disease and that causes constant, relentless back pain. It isn't debilitating, thankfully, but it keeps me from doing a lot of physical activities because one wrong move and my arms go numb and my spine sends signals to my shoulder and rib cage telling me that I could be dying. I already have a phobia of sudden heart attacks because that is how my dad died and apparently I was traumatized by that, so when my arms go numb and my chest hurts, well, that's just where my brain goes. It sucks donkey balls, because even when I can rationally think "that is not how a heart attack works" the lizard part of my brain says "Well, yeah, but what if you're wrong this time?" Also, the nerve shocks that I get through my back feel exactly the same as when I get startled. You know that creepy feeling like someone is looking at you from behind? It's like that, so I have a constant feeling of being stalked, which just adds on to the scary feeling. I think maybe I slept weird and pinched a nerve that set off a bunch of pain that my body didn't know how to handle all at once. I put an ice pack on my back, and it helped me calm down, so maybe it's all just nerve impulses that are triggering a fear response. It's all very stupid, I can say that with authority.

Oh, but the best part? Since then, it's like I have PTSD and anytime I've been alone (which even goes to being alone in a room) I start having mini panic attacks. I had a panic attack so massive that being by myself now scares me. It's so much fun. I can't live like that, though, because Steve has to travel for work and I sometimes have to be in room by myself, and I am a grown ass woman who shouldn't have to have a babysitter. I can't be afraid all of the time. That is not how I want to live my life.

SIGH. I'm hoping this goes away very soon, because I have a life to live and fun stuff to do in it. If there is one part of this that I can appreciate, it's that I am trying to fight against it instead of submitting to it. I cannot stress enough about how stupid I feel this all is. It makes me MAD. I hope I can get the source of whatever is causing this corrected.

So (for those of you still here reading this) I'm asking you to pray or send good vibes, or whatever you might do, that I can get this weird situation under control. I don't have time for this!!

STUFF

This is just to report that nothing interesting has happened. Not really. But in the interest of updating you guys on my life, let’s see...

We drove to the mountains over the holiday weekend, which was nice. We did come into contact with strangers, but thus far, we seem to have avoided getting sick (knock on wood.) we actually walked on a tiny section of the Appalachian Trail, and it was Just as miserable as I thought it might be! Seriously, if I ever talk about looking forward to hiking the AT, that is code for something bad happening that I can’t talk about it. Send in the national guard. :) 

I‘ve gained an alarming amount of weight. Not going places, not being able to go to my gym for so long, breaking my bike, it being too effing hot to do things outside, and a newfound appreciation for baking hasn’t helped. Perhaps I’ll be on one of those reality shows where I get yelled at by a personal trainer until I develop an eating disorder at some point, but for now, I’m making an attempt to lose it the old fashioned way, but with little success! Cookies make it hard. Hehe!

Sara’s birthday was the other day. I miss her.

They finally hired someone at the church to do the bookkeeping. It only took 8 years for them to realize how bad I am at it!

Josh came to visit! His mom is moving and he was helping her pack up their old house. I was so glad to see him! (Responsibly social distancing and no hugging, of course.) Weirdly, we haven’t seen Anthony in weeks and weeks. I’m starting to get withdrawals!

I keep buying masks. I have so many, and many of them are cute or sparkly! I still don’t really like wearing them, but I love accessorizing, So it all works out! Also, I love sparkles, so...I mean...my hands are tied!

I know I sound kind of mopey, but I’m not really. There is just nothing interesting going on at all. I hope that if that changes, it’s a good kind of interesting and not a we-have-to-fight-hoards-of-alien-badgers interesting. 

I hope you’re life is less boring (in a good way) than mine! 

Excelsior!

GAH

Hello everyone!

Ok, so there may only be one or two of you, but still, that constitutes an "everyone" doesn't it?

Look, don't argue semantics, alright?  Geez.

I'm just stopping by to tell you I'm still here. Kind of, anyway. Nothing of true interest has been happening lately, but not by choice. If I had my way, I'd be dressed in a big, poofy, sequined evening gown, walking four adorable corgis, while dancing down Jefferson Street accompanied by a marching band.

But, since it's Pride month, I'm afraid I'd get mistaken for a drag queen. Plus, where would I find a marching band right now?  SIGH.

Nah, I'm just a little blah at the moment. There's just so much ugly and scary stuff going on.

Each day feels like it weighs a thousand pounds and it's sitting on my shoulders. It's heavy and smothery and as oppressive as a humid southern summer day.  I do my best to stay away from what is going on, because it just feels like too much at times, but it seeps in, ya know?  One day I went to bed at 6:00 just so I wouldn't have to hear about anything anymore.

I hate to admit it, but I think the muggles have finally gotten me down. Probably not forever, but for now, yeah.

Weirdly, this doesn't feel like a depression setting in. It feels more like incessant noise, only you can't put your hands over your ears to keep it out. I even feel kind of like an jerk for complaining, but it seems like no matter what you're watching or reading (out in the world, at least) something bad is happening. It's...it's a lot.

The worst part is that most of it comes from people I know on social media. I had no idea I knew so many, and forgive me for being this blunt, assholes.  Honestly, otherwise lovely people are just being THE WORST right now. Surprisingly it isn't even just on one side of the political spectrum, it's on both! People are not being rational, or reasonable, and some are being racist, and some are being pig headed, and others are being willfully ignorant, and it's just overwhelming.

Stay off social media, you say? Well, if I wanted to be cut off from everyone I know, I could do that, of course. However, since I can't see people, or go out for lunch, or stop for a chat or any other kinds of social interactions at the moment with people I really want to see, social media is kind of my only way to do that.

Sorry, this is not a "Feel bad for me" post, because I'm sure a lot of people feel like I do right now. It's just a state of the union, if you will.

I wish I could see my friends. I wish I could hug people. There are some people I want to punch in the face and some I want to kiss right on the mouth. It's a weird time, is what I'm saying, so I feel very weird right now.

At any rate, I hope you (whoever you may be) are doing well and not letting the muggles get YOU down.  Have a great day!

SO, I DID A THING

Don't get too excited, because it was ultimately not successful, but I didn't want to say anything about it until I was sure one way or the other.

Earlier this year there was an open call to be a part of a real, live movie that is coming out this year. I auditioned for it! It wasn't for a speaking part or anything like that, but it was one step up from being an extra, at least! I had to send in a video of myself doing the audition piece of it, which I did, but unfortunately I didn't get chosen.

As silly as it sounds, it was still a pretty fun experience, even if didn't work out!

So no, I will not be appearing in Bill and Ted's Face the Music movie, but I did try!  Just pretend that I'm in there, if you ultimately go to see it. :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING. AGAIN.

2020. Day one-thousand and twelve. Yikes, doesn't it feel like this year has been a thousand days long?

1) We had to have the rest of the trees cut down last week and I'm sad about it!

The big ass tree that fell a couple of weeks ago (a hackberry rather than a persimmon as I reported earlier) actually cracked the trunk of the other big hackberry tree that stood next to it when it fell, so we knew it would have to be cut down as well before it fell.  Steve hired someone to come and cut it down, but because of where it was leaning, he had to cut down the three trees next to it. Our yard looks weird  and way too bright now.

I feel guilty, somehow. I know it's dumb, but I feel like God gave us these amazing trees for all these years, and we must have done something wrong for them to fall/break/have to be cut down. The worst thing I can think of was having a brief, smug thought that I bet a lot of people didn't have such nice trees in their yard, but I was glad we did. I'd like to think that God isn't that vengeful, but pride and destruction and all of that, so who knows?  Anyways, I really do miss our beautiful trees.

2) Heehee, I know I don't have to admit this, but in light of full disclosure, I will. The guy that came to cut down our trees was one of those guys that is tall, fit, and looks like the kind of person who climbs rocks without safety harnesses, rides a bike everywhere and drinks craft beer and may be a vegetarian. Hipstery, if you'll allow me to use the term. Cute and beardy.

Anyways, I was home when he and his coworker knocked off for the day and I looked outside to see if they were gone yet and saw the tree guy had taken off his shirt before getting into his truck. He had a lot of tattoos on his arms and chest, and I was originally looking at them before I noticed he was kind of buff. I caught myself staring and realized that I was acting like a desperate housewife looking at the pool boy!  Steve was home by then and saw me looking out the window, and I said "I'm sorry I'm looking at the handsome, shirtless man in the backyard!" He said "That's ok. If a topless woman was in our backyard, I'd be looking at her!" Touche, Steve. Touche.

3) Friday night Steve, Anthony and I drove down to Jasper to attend a trivia game! We have really missed our Monday trivia nights, and have been playing online trivia hosted by one of the guys who appears on the "It's a Southern Thing" videos. He talked about a live trivia event he was hosting in Jasper at a brewery, now that a lot of the restrictions have been lifted, so we decided to go on a little adventure so we could attend it.

Now, I'm sure you've heard about the COVID-19 numbers in Alabama and that they aren't exactly going down right now. We might not have gone, but the event was basically called "Social Distance Trivia" and was going to be held outside, with tables spread far apart, no contact payments and the trivia was played on our phones instead of on paper. We also had our masks for any inside stuff we needed to do. It was about as safe as going anywhere these days. Except for the fact that we got rained on, and had to play trivia in wet clothes, we had a lot of fun! It was a lot harder than we anticipated, and Steve is a slow typist, so we didn't do so great at first.  However, once we got to the second round, and I started typing, things got better. The hardest part was when he played two songs over one another, the words from one song and the music from another, and we had to tell him the artists (not the song) that were singing/playing. Luckily, Anthony knows every song ever recorded, almost Rainman style. In the end we came in second, and we won a Nerf gun and a Harry Potter coffee mug! Whee!

It was so late when we left, and we still had a long way to drive. We also hadn't eaten dinner, so we had to find a place in Back Forty, Alabama late at night that was still serving food, which wasn't easy. By the time we got home, we were so tired. I had some stuff I wanted to do, but I fell asleep before I could. Being old sucks.

4) We were supposed to be on our trip to Germany, Austria, Prague, and London this week. I'm a little sad, but not nearly as bummed as I thought I might be. I mean, the band is going to attempt to go next year, so there's that. Oddly, this trip never really felt "real" to me anyway, so maybe that's why I wasn't more upset it got cancelled. Who knows? I wouldn't mind a real trip somewhere, though. I know it won't be possible for some time yet, but I would love a nice change of scenery!

EVEN MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) So...yeah.

Is anyone else just exhausted with the monotony of things these days?  I don't mean to complain, because I have it better than a hell of a lot of other people, but geez. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop. Groundhog week instead of Groundhog Day.  The fact that we had a 3 day weekend seemed exciting, but it was just three days that were exactly like any other three days.

I don't know why this bothers me at all, really, because it's not bad. I'm not in distress. I have enough food (too much, if you look at me) I've got shelter, I still have a job (or three,) and I have the creature comforts that I'm used to. I think it's the lack of variety of...living. Does that sounds stupid?

SIGH. It feels stupid and supremely ungrateful. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm sure someone would think I am way too privileged and have no right to feel the way I do, because how dare me when other people have it worse, right? That's just how people are these days.

I'd almost start wishing for a little variety in life again, but the way things are going, we'd end up in the middle of an intergalactic trade war or something.

I might be willing to risk it! :)

2) Over the past two weeks we have been wading through The Hobbit trilogy and The Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended edition, of course.) I say wading through, because we would watch a little bit of each movie, turn it off and do something else, and then watch a little more and so on a so forth.

I'm not the biggest fan of that particular series, but it's been a pretty good diversion. I had forgotten how it was such a big, stinking deal when it came out. It has aged surprisingly well, even if some of the actors have not (HEY-O!) Heehee.

I like to read trivia and information about movies when I'm watching them at home, and one of the little bits I ran across was that the Lord of the Rings was a surprisingly accurate depiction (set in a fantasy setting, of course) of what going to and coming back from war is really like. I don't think I'd ever thought of it like that before, but it's totally true. You've got your young man being basically drafted into action due to his elders mistakes, he sets off with other young men and friends to right the wrongs, and has to fight, getting injured and losing people along the way. Watching the movies with that mind set really made me look at it differently and it actually made the whole thing much more interesting to me this time around.  The most telling part was the end, when the 4 hobbits made it back to the shire. You've got these four friends coming back from war, and they have SEEN some shit. Two of them (Merrie and Pippin) kind of go back to their lives the way they were, one (Sam) takes his experience and betters himself and his situation, and one (Frodo) is too damaged and too fragile to keep on going one the way things used to be. The article I was reading said it was a fairly good depiction of a soldier coming home with PTSD.

We finished watching the Return of the King last night, and looking at it in a new light, it was an oddly poignant movie to watch on Memorial Day. I don't like realistic war movies, because they're too scary, but watching one that uses allegory was surprisingly touching.

However, and I will die on this hill, Frodo was a bitch that needed saving every twelve feet. Sam is the real hero of that movie! TEAM GAMGEE FOR LIFE!

3) The most interesting thing that has happened to us lately is that a huge tree in our backyard fell down! When I say huge, I mean huge. It takes up 3/4 the width of the back yard. Somehow, and I think it has to be providence, it fell perfectly on our property. Some limbs hit the house, some limbs hit Steve's old beater truck he parks in the backyard, it smashed the section of chain link we had on the west side of the house, but it didn't touch anything that wasn't on or near our property! Well, it did knock down some limbs off of our neighbor's cedar tree, but they were hanging over our yard.

It was raining really hard Friday morning, and we were watching TV when we heard something go SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTHHHHHHHHHHH. My first thought was "Oh, no, the tree fell!" It had always had a lean to it and we had worried for years it would tip over, although we didn't actually think it would. My second thought was "OH, NO IT HIT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE!" because of the direction of the lean. Thankfully, though, it missed everything except our fence. We can't tell for sure, but the roof doesn't seem damaged, and Steve's truck is fine. Now we just have to figure out how to get the danged thing off of our property. My sister and brother in law have a lawn business, and they are coming to look at it and see what they can do, but the tree is so huge that they might only be able to remove some of the branches. We'll have to call an arborist to get the rest. It's going to be so expensive!!!!  Ugh. To add insult to injury, it also cracked the trunk of the tree it was next to, and now that one is only hanging in there because it's supported by another tree. If it falls, it will fall in the center of our yard.

I wish we could afford to have the wood processed so I could keep it and have something made of it, because underneath the bark is is beautiful! It's persimmon wood, so it's difficult to dry, but it's white wood with a dark heart, and I've seen cut pieces and it really is pretty when it's used to make stuff. I am going to try and keep a few chunks to carve something out of, at least. It was, after all, our favorite tree.

BITE SIZE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Our church is opening up for service this Sunday and I’m not thrilled about it.  I know that sounds bad, and they are doing everything they can think of to keep people safe, but my gut just doesn’t like it.

Of course, my gut isn’t as reliable as it used to be. It’ll be fine, I’m sure. I just wish I had the luxury of staying home a while longer without anyone asking questions, but that isn’t the case. Plus I’ve got jobs to do. Damn my sense of responsibility. Hehe

2) I got another weird call. This time it was early in the morning while I was still in bed. I was literally trying to wake up while I was having this pointless, odd conversation, and trying to be nice. Imma change my number if this keeps up, y’all.

3)  I have decided to take up yoga again, but I’m not as bendy as I used to be. Geez. I started out with what was supposed to be beginners videos on YouTube, but I question their idea of beginners. I was doing some stretches and feeling good about myself, and the lady said “if you want, find a comfortable way to do this...” and then she folded herself over and sat on her own head.

I mean...

I didn’t do that, of course, as I have to work back up to being more flexible and also because I have no desire to be my own gynecologist. Yikes. I mean, I don’t know if being flexible will be useful to me ever again, but I like yoga and at least I can do it inside! Keep your fingers crossed that I don’t kink myself into a knot that can’t be undone.

4) You’d be proud of me. Although I have been stressed from the whole quarantine situation, I have managed not to either cut or color my hair by myself. That’s usually my go to, bad decision because of emotions, action, but I have resisted. Personally, I’m beginning to think the cave woman look is working for me.

5) I really hope everyone is doing ok. I have been trying to reach out as much as possible, but I haven’t been able to get in touch with everyone. I’ll be glad when at least that part gets back to normal. I miss my people.

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I had the weirdest experience the other day.

So I get a call. It was someone I don't usually chat with, but I figure they must need something so I hung in there. We're doing the small talk bit and then right in the middle of the conversation they just start being very clipped and short with me. One word answers, the verbal equivalents of shrugs, and stuff like that. I didn't notice at first, but the longer we talked, the more obvious it became. I was doing my level best to keep the conversation going, because I thought, well, if they needed something they'll tell me soon, but they never did. It was so weird!

I came within an inch of apologizing for calling them if they were busy, but then I remembered I wasn't the one who called in the first place. That's just how weird it was. Eventually we were sort of sitting there, not talking, and then they abruptly ended the call. I basically sat there like WTF? I didn't call them back because it was confusing.

I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but to my knowledge, I've never bored anyone to the point of regretting calling me. I still wonder if they needed something. I hope that they weren't calling because something was wrong and I just didn't catch on. I'm not going to ask, though, because the whole thing freaked me out. If they need something from me, I'll find out when the stay-at-home stuff is over and I see them again.

2) Josh was in town this week! The reason he was here sucked, because his step-father passed away and he was here to help his mother with details, but we have gotten to see him.

He went with us on our weekly hike last Saturday and we got to have dinner with him last night. Some of the restaurants have opened up for dine-in, and so we went to one and sat outside. Don't yell at me, ok! We were the only ones out there, and we were sitting at one of those tables with fire in the middle, so we were both socially isolated and were talking over fire, so I hope that was enough. I'm still not crazy about the idea of going out just yet, but it was Josh, ya know? I miss him and who knows when we'll see him again. 

Besides, he really needed a break from all of the death stuff. Some people want to be left alone when they are grieving, some people fuck their way through it, and some people need company. Josh needed company.

I'll miss him when he leaves.

3) Do you think we'll all be OK after the bulk of the quarantine stuff is over?  Mentally, I mean.

I know that sounds like a dumb question, but I really do wonder if we will be.  I know that there are a lot of people out there who have lost jobs, and have lost loved ones and all of that, and it's obvious they will not be the same, but I'm specifically wondering about the rest of us.

Sometimes I think I'm not OK. I can't really pin-point why I feel like that, but there are times when it sneaks up on me. However, I find myself pushing it all off and thinking that I don't have time for that and I'll think of it when stuff gets back to normal. Like, when office hours are back to normal I can take a moment to be depressed or sad or whatever it is I'm feeling. Is that weird?

Maybe it's just stress of trying to keep things as normal as possible during a time when things are decidedly not normal. I mean, the fact that I feel like I have to justify comforting a friend who lost a loved one is not normal at all.

I'm just tired, y'all. I'm tired and stressed and I'll be glad when some things get back to normal, but I'm also going to miss the slower pace of life. I don't know. Nothing makes much sense.

Is it weird that I want to quit my jobs and run away to a cabin in the woods for a year or so? Haha!

Ugh, sorry. I know you people don't like feelings. I didn't mean to have one. 

I'll be ok, I know. I just hope it happens soon! 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) You know what makes me irrationally angry?

Overly elaborate, but short-lived, food art.

I'm not talking about cakes or fancy cookies, although technically they should fall in the same category. At least with cakes and cookies, they can sit around for a few hours, or be stored someplace where they aren't immediately destroyed. I'm talking about stuff that wouldn't last even a little while without getting gross, like pancakes made in the shapes of cartoon characters with different colored batter, sculptures made out of cotton candy, or fancy coffee with the surface decorated with flowers made out of milk foam.

I've lately been watching a lot of YouTube videos of people who make this stuff, and I've found myself getting really, stupidly, pissed off at the idea that these people have amazing skills and can make beautiful things, and what they make won't even last an hour. I don't even know why I react this way! I'm in awe of the talent, but I think that they are going through all that trouble for basically nothing is what triggers me.

This is how I know I'm reaching that "Old Lady Yelling At the Clouds" phase of my life. 

2) Yesterday I was reading a Reddit thread about an unresolved mystery that seemed fairly interesting. The TL; DR is that a mother and daughter went out of town for a shopping trip, leaving the husband/father at home alone. They came back and he was missing. None of his personal effects were gone, it looked like he'd just disappeared. The same day they found out he was missing, the body of a John Doe was found 1600 miles away, killed in a hit and run, and it turned out to be the afore mentioned  husband/father. Mystery ensued.  Read the thread if you're interested, because the story has a lot of details that I didn't cover, but what it all boils down to is that no one seems to know how or why the man ended up so far from home, or why he was in a position to be run over where he was. Personally, I want to believe it was aliens, or ghosts, or parallel universes! However, as it usually is, it probably has a fairly reasonable, boring cause that just can't be found out because the man in question is deadsies.

The story got me thinking about the times when Steve is traveling and I'm home alone. If I leave the house, I always try to leave a note on the counter saying where I am going in case I disappear. Does that sounds like overkill? Maaaaaybe. But still, it would be a clue if the worst happened, ya know? It's just a precaution, anyway. I don't expect anything like that to happen, but I'd want to give everyone a starting point if it did. The last thing I need is to become an unsolved mystery. Seriously, if I decide to go across town to buy yarn, and my body is found in Zurich wearing a toga and holding the stolen burial helmet of King Tut, just know that was probably not my original intent. If it is, it'll be in the note. :)

3) There was a second Reddit thread (I can't find it to link to it) asking what would it be like finding out that intelligent extra terrestrials are real. There was a lot of talk, but one particular section got me tickled. The idea was that in the 70's we sent the Pioneer space craft out into the universe containing a plaque that had etchings that gives information about where it originated and about the beings that created it. This includes some etchings of anatomically correct male and female figures so that they'd know what we look like. I'm guessing clothes might confuse the aliens? Who knows?

The point was that the first human made object we sent out of our solar system contained highly scientific, but unsolicited, nudes. It was speculated that the very first real message we received from aliens would either be a restraining order or a request for more! :)

4)  Speaking of nudes...

Nah, I'm kidding! I can't remember what else I was going to talk about! It probably wasn't about that.

STILL ALIVE

Yep. Still here.

If you thought you could get rid of me that easily, you were wrong! HAHAHA! SUCK IT!

Hehehe, sorry. That is just my way of saying that as of this writing, I'm still here! Yay! If you're reading this, it means your still here too! I'm so glad!!!

Today I'm waiting for a meeting I'm having with my not-church boss to discuss not-church business. It's very exciting.

Currently, I can hear Steve doing one of his Very Important Meetings (the kind he'd usually go out of town for, but is doing remotely) through the wall. His business voice is very soporific. If I fall asleep and miss my own meeting, it will be his fault for not having vocal inflections.

So, what else is going on...

OH!  Ok, the last time I wrote I told you about the lawn man weed eating my potato plants! Turns out, they are ok! He cut off the big part of the plant, but it started sprouting again, so it's all good! I'm honestly surprised, but maybe the potato gods took pity on me or something!  Last week I posted a video about it on IG (and accidentally cross posted it to Facebook) and as it turns out, people thought I was crying in that video. I wasn't crying, I was mad! I went back and listened, and it did sound like I was crying. That's embarrassing. No wonder no one ever takes me seriously when I'm angry! This is why I throw things. Heehee!

I've gained an impressive amount of weight in just one month, which is fun. I blame emotional eating. That's pretty much how I deal with stress, which is not good, but I seem to have no control over it. Don't roll your eyes at me. If that's not how you deal, that sounds stupid, but it's how my brain is wired. Eating and sleeping to deal with stress is how my brain works. It's like being addicted to something. I hate it. If I had my druthers, I'd be one of those people who think "Hey, I'm going to go run 10 miles, or bike 50 miles, or lift 400 pounds! That sounds like fun!" but I'm not that person. One day I'll figure out how my body works so I can fix it, I hope. You know, that awful diet we did a couple of years ago was supposed to train me out of that kind of thing, but I genuinely think it only made things worse. It's easy to lose weight when you're systematically starving yourself (and let's be frank, that's what we were doing, albeit with medical supervision) but all it did was make my emotional food dependance worse once I was off of it. What a fucking waste of money and time. I'll just have to deal with the self loathing until I figure something out. Oh well, at least no one who might care has to look at me.

Tangentially related, we have been going on hikes about once a week since all of this started. I think I mentioned that before. I've really enjoyed it, except for last weeks trail. It was muddy and incredibly rocky, like we were walking down a dry riverbed. Halfway, my ankles were screaming at me. It was also mostly downhill, which sounds nice, but when you're trying not to fall on a bunch of smallish, but pointy, rocks, gravity is not your friend. It was easier walking back up that trail, if you can believe it. I like climbing on rocks, but not for an entire 4 or 5 miles.  We did get to see a big well that had been drilled in the mountain back in the day when people lived out there, so that was neat. We threw rocks in it! We plan on going to a much better maintained trail next time. It wasn't all bad, though! It was a beautiful walk. The trees were gorgeous and the wildflowers were blooming. There were streams and big, rocky bluffs. It's easy to forget out beautiful Alabama can be (even though a reminder is literally our state motto!) when you take it for granted, but I'm trying not to do that these days. With the development going on around here, you never know when the pretty stuff will get paved over!

Geez, this post sounds depressing and full of complaints! I'm sorry, that wasn't my intent. I'm fine, really. I hope you are too!

PROOF OF LIFE

Just in case anyone is wondering, I'm still here.

My days consist of:

I. Work
    a. Church- Keeping the office going, paying bills, making videos.
    b. Cyber Security - Marketing Research and strategy

II.  Home
    a. TV - Been marathoning The Middle. It's delightful.
    b. Painting - Have slacked off lately, but need to get inspired because I miss it.
    c. Potato Plant* - Got weed whacked by a careless lawn maintenance guy.
    d. Cat - Napping with and petting.
    e. Eating - Too much and too often.
    f. Exercising - Not. I feel quite bad about this both mentally and physically. Considering spending
                           money on equipment because outside is full of pollen and migraines.
   g. Sleeping - Sometimes too much, sometimes not enough.

*I shouldn't be as upset about the stupid plant as I am. I recognize that, but y'all, it was my sanity project. I think we can all agree that things are weird right now, yeah? It started out as something kind of funny - I found an old potato, let's plant it and see what happens! - but it actually started growing! I was helping it live! I was weeding it and learning how to take care of it, and I figured that while everything else in the world was going to hell, I was keeping my stupid plant alive. It was a little thing, but it was MY thing.

I'm constantly worried about my friends and family right now. I lost my best friend three weeks ago, and everyday since I am afraid that someone else is going to get sick, or die of this awful virus, or something, and the world is going into an economic depression, and people are going hungry, and people are being awful to one another, and I have to wear a mask that restricts my breathing when I go out to buy bread, and our president is a crazy person. I can't even fucking HUG ANYONE!  So maybe my plant was just a way to focus on something that didn't seem scary.

But don't worry, otherwise I'm fine. The way I treat produce, I'm certain I'll lose another potato and it will sprout and I'll plant that one. In the meantime, I'll find something else to focus on.  It might be learning to give myself prison style tattoos, but I'll figure it out! Hehe

Hope you are doing well and staying safe! I hug you!

HELLO OUT THERE

Hello, fellow Hunkerdowners!

(I stole that greeting from @thelesliejordan because he is a delight and a beacon in the darkness these days. Also, it's apt.)

Hope you're doing well and staying far away from strangers who might breathe viruses on you!

How are we, you ask? Uh, everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

Yeah, we're doing fine. Watching a lot of TV, listening to the inexplicable booming noises that our town is known for that RS Arsenal swears isn't them, and eating way more than is necessary. Probably much like everyone else, except those people who have a handle on nutrition and exercise. I wish I was one of those people. My disordered eating always skews towards the too much, uncontrollable weight gain side, which is currently the case. But you already know that!

Anyways!

No, really, we're good. Nothing exciting going on at all. This is just a rather banal proof life check-in more than anything!

I had to make a mask so I could go into the grocery store the other day. As I mentioned before, I can't sew very well and I realized I needed the mask last minute, so I made it with hot glue and fabric, and unless you want to smell melted glue for an hour, I don't recommend that at all! I can tell you this: I do NOT like wearing the mask. It is made from two layers of tightly woven fabric, so not very breathing friendly. I spent the whole trip shopping trying not to rip it off my face, because I'm claustrophobic to a point where if my breathing is in any way impeded, I will panic. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but I literally had to keep myself from running outside just so I could take it off and breathe. Thankfully I managed to get the things I needed and get out in record time. Hehe, maybe I should always wear one in public to keep myself from impulse shopping!  If I can't breathe, I can't spend money, am I right?

Work has been work. I'm still going into church. It's not so bad, really, but some of the members are driving me mad. They don't mean to, I know, but I had one guy get obsessive about a tithe check that didn't clear. It was a mistake, obviously, but he wouldn't leave me alone about it. I was kind of a jerk to him, which I'm not proud of, but he was getting in touch with me at home, when I couldn't reasonably do anything about it. I kept telling him I'd check on it, but that wasn't good enough. I had to go to church outside of my working hours and find it for him. It had gotten misplaced is all. It wasn't stolen, it wasn't thrown away, it was just misplaced. Thank God I found it. I might have broken quarantine to drive to that's guys house and bitten him!

I did have one come apart, which I thankfully directed to Twitter instead of in person, which probably saved me some grief. Y'all know I hate when people don't answer my questions or avoid a topic of conversation by just not replying. It is, in my opinion, one of the most rude things a person can do. I get that sometimes, especially if a topic is sensitive or personal or whatever, it might be tempting to shut down, but even then, acknowledge that you would rather not answer if nothing else. Don't just stop communicating. Tell me to fuck off if nothing else, that's at least something, but don't leave me hanging, ya know?  I'm great at nonverbal cues, but when I can't look a person in the face, I need to be told stuff. To do that about something that isn't personal or sensitive makes it ten times worse, especially if we are having to rely on alternate forms of communicating where I'm literally waiting on a reply to move forward with something. Are we planning some kind of project together? I need you to tell me stuff. Do you not want to continue with said project? I need to know that. Do you want me to fuck off and leave you alone because you're tired of thinking about it?  Again, tell me to fuck off. I just want to know how to proceed.  This is compounded when it comes from someone you know isn't good at taking verbal hints, so you've learned to be very straightforward  and expect the same from them. If nothing else during this social distancing thing, I'm going to yank my hair out waiting for people to respond to me since I can't be in the same room with them. I found a quote that fits nicely here:

"When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short term discomfort for long term dysfunction." ~some random person on the Internet

Bleh.

I've started actually working from home for my other job. Well, kind of. I can't really do much of use, so I've been tasked with researching social media strategies so we can revamp our image once things get back to normal. My boss also keeps asking me what I want to focus on while working for her so we can move my job in the direction that I want to go in. I really appreciate that she has my best interests at heart! I mean, I still don't know what I want to do, but I like that she wants me to find joy in the job. That's kind of rare.

Otherwise I'm still painting. Still taking care of my potato plant. Still hanging out with the cat.

Oooh! I also have discovered that I have a million cans of garbanzo beans and I have no idea why! I apparently buy them without thinking about it, and now we have a backlog. Does anyone have any good hummus recipes? I've got to thin the herd! Hehe.

Sorry if I spent most of this entry complaining. Literally, so little is going on that stuff like that feels like a big deal right now. I'm really hoping we get visited by aliens or something so I'll have something interesting to talk about!

So, be good to yourself! Get out when you can, and keep your mind in good shape! Check on your friends and loved ones. They probably need some human contact now and again. :)  Have a great day!

IS THIS STILL GOING ON?

Hello out there!

I'd love to talk about anything but quarantine, I genuinely would, but that is kind of all that is going on right now.

OK, full disclosure, I'm not always stuck at home. Turns out, I am considered essential. Like, the state of Alabama says that church workers are essential, so I'm still going into church. We've suspended pretty much everything we do with a few exceptions, so I'm focused on making sure the bills are paid, the staff is paid, and that we can publish two video sermons a week.  It's all very exciting, I can assure you! Hehe. The pastor has even started letting us do some funny stuff for the videos.  Oooh, and we ordered a green screen so we could set up a makeshift studio-esque area in one of the unused rooms. That should be interesting! But I'm going between church and home and that's mostly it. We have gone to the grocery store when we run out of milk and bread. OH! I also get to go to the mailbox!

Not very different from my everyday life, now that I think of it! Haha!

I've been painting and reading a lot. My watercolor attempts are a mixture of sad and not bad, but it's still relaxing and fun.  Steve has discovered the John Prine musical catalog, so we've been listening to that, and he plays video games at night.

I have begin to miss other people! I mean, I'm not a social butterfly in the best of times, but we did talk to other, non-work people occasionally. I have been requesting proof-of-life from Anthony every week to make sure he's still sane. I can really see him embracing the hermit way of life, but maybe it's just because he has the beard for it.  I stopped by my mom's on the way back from Athens the other day. Do you know how weird it is for me to visit my mom and not hug her?  She would have risked it, but I'm not taking any chances. I like my mom a great deal and I'm not going to possibly kill her if I can help it.  That's my usual philosophy, really.

How are you handling social distancing? I've seen on Facebook and Twitter that some of the cool kids have get togethers on Zoom/Hangout programs with their friends. I think that's neat. I don't really know enough people who know each other for that. Boo. The closest I've gotten was when a cousin of mine accidentally butt dialed some people who were in a group text, so I got to talk to my uncle for a second before it was over. Butt dials are always funny, though! I'm still emailing and messaging when I can, though!

But hey, we're doing the best we can in a very weird situation, and hopefully we'll come out on the other side and resume our lives and get things back to normal soon! I hope you're treating yourself well!

I Hug You!

Last night I stayed up late to sew myself a plague mask to wear at my best friend's funeral.

(Let's all take a moment to focus on that sentence, which in a sane world, would either be the opening line of a bad Gothic novel, or part of an overwrought MySpace entry from an emo kid trying too hard to be dark.)

Ok, ok, so a plague mask really isn't what it is, but nonetheless, that is what I spent last night doing before I went to bed. I'd actually cleaned out my fabric stash a while ago, but I found something appropriate. Nothing with unicorns or Star Trek insignia on it, at least. I had to make it by hand, because for the life of me, I've never been able to figure out my sewing machine. It wasn't great, and probably wouldn't need to be used, oh, and I had to hot glue part of it together, but desperate times and all of that, ya know?

This morning, as I was getting dressed to go, I kept wondering to myself what Sara would think of all of this. I can almost see her making that scrunched up face she always made when she thought something was funny. I kept hoping what I picked to wear she would have liked. I think so, but with her you never could tell. We didn't have the same taste in clothes.

I didn't order any flowers, so I went out and cut some of the tulips that grow by the mailbox. Only three of them were nice enough to take, but I think she'd like them. They were bright and showy, kind of like her.

It took a long time to drive to the cemetery, because one of the main roads into Athens had been closed, but I finally figured out where I was from old, hazy memories of driving around there back in the day and found the place. There were maybe 12 people there, only two of us were her friends. Funerals are really for the living, after all, and her dad needed the support.

From beginning to end, the service lasted about 15 minutes, and no offense to her father or the pastor, but I'm not sure it was her style. Hehe. She wasn't religious at all, so I knew she would have rolled her eyes at the bible reading. The preacher didn't know her at all, so he kept stumbling over everything he said. She would have liked what her sister said, though, but everything else she would have shaken her head at. I don't mean that to be cruel in any way, but I knew her so well. All I could think of was her standing off to the side with her arms crossed saying "I can't believe she wore that! That guy got my name wrong! Holy shit! What is this?!" I almost cracked up at the thought and literally had to hide a smile.  That wouldn't have done under the circumstances.  She was cremated, so there was only one little hole in the ground for us to stand around. It didn't seem like enough, somehow.

My flowers were the only ones there.

I also ended up giving her sister my mask to use at her job. At least the work didn't go to waste.

I wish I was eloquent, and could write something beautiful about her in the way other people can. Friends on Facebook have been so eloquent and kind, and I wish more than anything she could have known they felt those things about her. I'm not good at words, though. If I could show you my soul, you'd know what I am feeling, but I can't. So I'll just say this:

She never wore appropriate shoes. Ever. She had a great sense of style, but never a practical sense of footwear. I could have invited her hiking, and she would have shown up in a pair of wedge heels and then complained about her feet the whole time.

She was the one who made me get my eyebrows waxed before my own wedding. She wouldn't let me get married looking like Frida Kahlo. She was also the only bridesmaid I had that took me out before I got married. She took me to a dive bar where they thought we were prostitutes and I wouldn't change that memory for anything.

She could be such a brat! On our trip to Florida, I was going back into the Air B&B to check to make sure we didn't forget anything and she yelled at me that she had already checked and we needed to go. We ended up leaving about $200 worth of wine behind because she didn't want to admit she hadn't checked everywhere.

She had only just figured out how to draw her eyebrows on so that they didn't look fake!

Several people have reached out to me to tell me they were sorry she had passed, and they have all said the same thing: They said she loved me. Having people love you is humbling, isn't it? No one has to love us, or even like us much, so when you know someone loves you it should change something in us. Make us better somehow. I think I am better for our friendship. I hope everyone has the kind of friends that love them and make them better.

I could sit here all day and tell you little bits about her and maybe one day I will, but I think I'll just simply say that she was my friend, and in that word there are a million stories.

I am going to miss her so much. I'm going to carry her in my heart always.

WHELP...

I jinxed myself. In one stroke, I became non-essential again!

I don’t know how I will ever get over it.

via GIPHY

😉

THIS IS NOTHING LIKE MY ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE NOVELS

How are you doing?  No, really, I mean it. How are you? Very well, I hope, in spite of the world going crazy these days.  I want you to be ok.

So, what have you been doing while stuck at home?

That's assuming you don't live in the south, because I don't think anyone feels like they need to be stuck at home down here. They have literally had to post police cars at the entrances to two of the parks near the church.  Of course, one of those parks is where drug dealers hang out and the other is where closeted gay men go to hook up out in nature, but along with them, the people who have kids that aren't in school right now who feel the need to still let them congregate in large groups (all while using the same dirty playground equipment) made the police a necessity.

I don't want to be too judgy, though, because I imagine people are going kind of stir crazy. You wouldn't think so, what with phones and tablets and backyards and all of that, but I think the idea that we shouldn't go out is worse than actually not going out, so people are being defiant. That won't be so great if they catch COVID-19, but hindsight will be our luxury by then.

I feel sorry for Steve, because he never stays home this much. Ever. When he is home, he's usually settled in, doing his thing, but during a normal week, he's either at work, or at band practice, or at some cyber security professional organization board meeting (he's on several boards) or traveling on business. It didn't occur to me how much he wasn't home until he was!

As for myself, I'm ok. I usually have quite a bit of time to myself, so it's been an adjustment!  I have gone outside more in the past couple of weeks during the spring than I have in years.  No idea why, except that I am appreciating the nice weather more than I ever have. Usually I have to avoid the spring because of my terrible allergies, but maybe I'm feeling the pressure of being cooped up as well. If I want to be inside, that's were I'll be. Now that I SHOULD be inside, well, I'm being a brat about it, allergies be damned! Hehe. I got two hammocks for my birthday that finally arrived a few days ago, and we have been laying out in them (weather permitting) as much as we can.
We've also done some trail walking, but I haven't decided if we're being stupid by doing that or not. We aren't hanging out with other people and we are distancing ourselves as much as possible, but it's impossible to avoid people all of the time. It's even worse if we tried to walk in our neighborhood, because the sidewalks are kind of crowded.

One of the things that sucks about all of this is having to plan the Just-In-Cases. Say, if I get this stuff, not much will change if I shuffle off the mortal coil, except that the next lady in line for my job (she's literally next in line, already decided on) will step in. Someone else will need to post funny memes on Facebook, and Steve and my mom will probably be sad. I did tell him to wait until I was completely gone before he found another wife or girlfriend, and she is, in no uncertain terms, not allowed to live in my house. If Steve gets it and goes, I'll have to sell the house and cars and get access to accounts and figure out insurance and figure out where to live and all kinds of fun things. This is the unfunny side of being a kept woman, I guess, but there we go. Now, if I could just get him to write stuff down so I'd know what to do...

As for other, less morbid, things, I am trying to learn about watercolor painting, which is a skill I'd like to have. I didn't study painting in college, although I wish I had, so I'm having to piece together information I've found online. I'm also borderline cheating, because I found sheets of watercolor paper with designs already applied in wax, so it's more like a coloring book than actually painting, but I think it will at least allow me to learn some techniques without being a huge waste of supplies in the end. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll be able to paint an actual picture of my own one day! I've also ordered a massive paint-by-numbers kit because I liked the image. I feel my art degree cringing at these elementary attempts at creating, but unless someone wants to hire me for a massive graphic design job, or buy me print shop equipment, I'll do what I can. I still have my beads and yarn as well, but I'm trying to learn some new stuff while I have the time. And I have the time right now, friends.

Speaking of friends, I've been trying to keep in contact with people as much as possible, but it isn't easy. I have weird anxiety about bothering people. I don't know why. So me reaching out to anyone without prompting takes a superhuman amount of effort. Some of the messages get answered, but some messages I send feel more like I'm putting them in bottles and throwing them in the ocean rather than typing a DM, but I completely understand that everyone has things going on right now and they are trying to figure out how to deal with work and life in captivity, but I have faith that one day I'll get replies. Haha!

I had to go to the grocery store a couple of days ago and it was just too damn weird. I stopped at Target after work (with my own baggy of Clorox wipes to clean the buggy myself, thank you) and it was like a scene out of some kind of post apocalyptic movie. There were people there, although we all gave each other wide berths when we walked by each other, and one was wearing a quite frightening black mask over most of her face. Others just looked kind of shell shocked. There were so many empty shelves, and I can't decide if people are still panic buying things, or if the supply chain still hasn't caught up. There didn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for the things that were missing, but maybe I just don't understand the diets of people stuck at home. I mean, the ice cream was untouched, but the flour was almost completely gone. Weirdness. I'm so glad that we are still getting our meal subscription boxes once a week because it brings us fresh stuff, but I'm wondering if we shouldn't donate some of that to other people. We're more fortunate than others and it feels selfish to keep it all for us.

Apparently I am an essential worker at church. I am solely responsible for making sure that the church services keep on getting out to our members and it is a tiny bit stressful. It's probably shouldn't be, but people who aren't really involved in how we do things get ideas. We all know how welcome ideas can be when the people with the ideas don't know what they're talking about, but hey, we are trying to keep people happy, right?  It's funny that my iPhone has become an ad hoc studio. We record the sermons, the music, and I edit most of it directly on the phone. The only thing I can't do is add the opening graphics and things on it, so I have to bring it home and use my editing software to do that, then I have to move it to a thumb drive and take it back to church so we can made DVDs for our older members who don't use the internet. I accidentally lost one of the videos I had uploaded last week, which sent me into a weeping, panicked spiral of trying to figure out what to do, until I remembered I'd saved a copy somewhere else. I don't think I'm cut out for this kind of responsibility! But I'm getting it done, which is the important thing, and I think it will be a good bridge to build until our members are able to come back!  Want to know something hilarious? More people watch the videos than ever show up for church. Hehe! Maybe he'll want us to go full digital after this!

I'm trying not to let being essential go to my head, you know. ;) I don't think I've ever been essential before in my life!  Most of the time, I feel I'm like one of those NPC in games that just walk around in the background filling in space until someone talks to them. Then they come to life and do stuff!  How will I ever go back to being non-essential? It will be a challenge.

So that's me for now. I hope you stay sane and happy, whoever you are.

*rolls this up, stuffs it in a bottle, and throws it into the ocean* BLOOP!

SARA

Tonight I lost my best friend.

She died at 9:47, surrounded by strangers, in a hospital in Tennessee.

No one could be with her. The quarantine rules for hospitals didn't allow any visitors, not even her father.  She died from complications from an organ transplant she had 15 years ago.

We had been friends since the 7th grade.

She knew me better than anyone else alive. She was my secret keeper. She knew everything.

She was smart. She was a nurse. She was funny and mean and so soft hearted.

She was my best friend.

I thought there was more time.

I wanted to sit and write about her in the way she deserves to be remembered, but I can't think of the right things to say right now.  One day I hope I can do it.

...AND I FEEL FINE?

I wanted to come here and wax poetic, or to be more honest, be silly about the whole COVID-19, self distancing, world grinding to a halt thing. Being silly is my brand, after all, and there is a lot of silly about the whole mess, if you stop and think about it.

Having to learn to work from home with software most people have never heard of and the mishaps associated with that? Everything nonessential being closed and us having to figure out how to amuse ourselves without the normal distractions? Hoarding toilet paper? Being relegated to your house and maybe one or two other specific locations? I mean, it sounds like bad reality television!  HOUSE ARREST! This fall on NBC!

But right now I’m not feeling so silly. I hate when I don’t feel silly, you guys, because then I get THOUGHTS. Thoughts lead to seriousness, and seriousness leads to stress eating potato chips. 

Ya know, in some ways, I don’t think it’s a bad thing, the quarantine stuff. In fact, I think maybe society might have needed it. We all spend so much time making so much noise. Work this, work that, school stuff, we gotta be at church this many days a week, oooh, let’s go to the movies, or shop, or play sports, or violin lessons, or whatever keeps us from sitting still for too long. Maybe the human race needed a reason to step back a bit and rest from the usual distractions. A relatively misunderstood, rapidly infectious disease is a shitty catalyst for that, but it is what it is, and that seems to be the only thing that could get us to slow down like we have. Kind of a crappy deal, but here we are.

There are some very terrible things about all of this, of course. The sickness and people dying of COVID-19, the healthcare system being overwhelmed, the people who are going to lose their livelihoods, the business that will fail. Relationships that will be damaged, either from too much time together or not enough time together. The not being able to be with people when they need you.

Right now my best friend is in a hospital, alone, being operated on somewhere. Maybe Tennessee. We don’t know for certain how she is or what is happening because no one at the hospital can tell her father, who can’t be with her, WTF is going on. It’s not their fault, really, because of everything that’s happening, but that doesn’t make it easier on the people who care about her. She is not doing well, and I mean that in the sense you think I mean. That is just one of the things on my mind right now.

On a personal note, and I don’t really like to admit this, it’s also so damn lonely! I never realized just how much I distract myself from that feeling. I’ve spent the last two weeks checking on people and making sure that they have what they need, and reaching out to make dumb conversations to make sure people are ok, and making sure the church can have their services online, and that people are getting paid, and doing busy work at my other job so that I will have it to go back to when this is all over, posting funny stuff online to make people laugh and etc. Now that the initial scrabbling to get adjusted is over and things are more quiet, I’m starting to realize how isolated I am. That sounds crazy after all I talked about, but working with people doesn’t make you less alone in the most basic sense. Hell, even being married doesn’t make you less lonely sometimes. My cup is getting empty, you guys.

I think that when this is all over, a lot of personal things and feelings will have changed, and I do not look forward to it.

Anyway, that is where my brain is this morning. I told you I didn’t like being serious. Now I need some potato chips.