This is my foot at the 17 Mile Drive, near Pebble Beach in California. I'd like to be back there right now, please.

I don't want to go to work today. I want to do something fun.
Here is my foot at the Grand Canyon. My feet didn't enjoy the Grand Canyon as much as the rest of me did.

Several people feel I'm being too personal with my blog entries these days, so I'll just post interesting pictures until things don't feel as personal.

This is a high speed image of a drop of milk. I like it.

Hello.

Just to let you know, things are OK right now. Once again, not good or great, but OK. I can handle OK. I just wish there were some good things to come, but I'm too scared to think too far into the future - especially when it seems like just when something decent could be happening, I get kicked in the face again. I'll just take it one day at a time at this point. If I don't, I'll go crazy.

I keep falling asleep at my desk and drafting table either because I'm not sleeping well at night or because of the anti-anxiety medication. Either way, I hope I don't wake up with an Exacto knife implanted in my face because I dozed off while holding it. Well, even if I do, scars give character, right? Look at Harry Potter....

Things keep changing every few hours, it seems, but I think I'm handling things well for right now. Thanks for coming here to check on me. I like knowing that most of you want to know how I'm doing. For the rest of you who are just being nosey...well, you're welcome here too. I'm not going to blame you for being nosey. I'd probably be nosey too if it weren't my life!

At any rate, I hope things are going well for all of you. Hopefully I'll feel like updating my blog more often, soon.

I am so confused.

Well...not much new to say. Steve didn't file on Monday because we thought it would be better for me to file myself, due to the circumstances. My appointment with the attorney is October 3rd, which is the soonest I could get a consultation with this particular lady. Well, unless Steve decides to find another place so that the documents can be filed sooner. I guess we'll just wait and see. I'm praying for God's will to be done for both of us, and peace in our hearts and minds. I ask that you all do the same thing for us, please.

Also, I need prayers that I can find a safe and affordable place to live.

I'm terribly unhappy and so is Steve. I wish none of this was happening. Pray for us.

I'm not doing so great. I know that's been the norm around here lately, but I think I'm finally at the breaking point and I don't know what to do.

I suppose you will hear it sooner or later, but Steve has decided to file for divorce. He doesn't think that we can do anything to fix things. It's not just about his infidelities anymore, but he tells me that he has been unhappy for a long time. He has been "content" but not happy. I didn't know. I feel like I should have known so that I could have done something to fix it. He told me that if I wasn't willing to have children, then he didn't want to be married to me. He doesn't like to talk to me, or look at me, and if we are going to have to be in the same house for longer than a few hours, he goes off and leaves me here alone. I've become a problem to be avoided, and I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to deserve it. He's not even doing it maliciously, which makes it even harder to understand. I'm not saying any of this to make him out as the bad guy, because I don't think he is. I've failed him in some way that I don't understand. I'm a failure at being a wife and a partner. I didn't mean to be.

I don't know if I can stand it. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not. I'm not strong at all. They don't see me on the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying because it hurts so much. I'm not strong. I'm losing everything and I don't know how to handle it. I'm so sad. Everyone keeps telling me things are going to be alright, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like someone ripping my stomach out and leaving me there to die. I have no choice in the matter. Things just keep getting worse and worse. My friends at the SpRocket won't talk to me anymore either, and I don't know why. Apparently there are some of our friends who told Steve that they thought we should have gotten divorced long ago, but I don't understand why. I was happy. I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong. I'm so stupid!

I've been getting things together and packing them away, and it hurts like someone just died. There are so many pictures of us having fun...I don't know when things changed.

I'm dying inside a little more every day. My whole life is being stolen from me. Everything I've worked for and loved is being taken and I hurt so much. I can't even begin to explain it. I didn't do anything...and now I'm losing everything that matters. I'm not strong and I'm not fine. Maybe I will be one day, but it doesn't feel like it. Things just keep getting worse. I've failed and I'm so sorry.

I went to my individual appointment yesterday, and I suppose it went well. Honestly, I can't remember much of what we talked about except that I babbled and don't know if I actually answered any of her questions directly. She did ask how I felt about everything, I remember that. I also believe I could have talked for another hour and not repeated myself. We mostly talked about Steve and what he did, and I never realized how hard it is to try and explain your life to a complete stranger and not make it sound crazy. Maybe our life has been crazy in some way and I just never realized. I don't know.

Steve went this morning, and I hope she can help him.

This is the first time that I've had absolutely no security in any aspect of my life, and it scares me to death. I don't know how to act, or what to say and not say, and there are so many things that have to be put on hold until I know if I'm even going to be staying married or not. I hate this so much, and there isn't anything I can do to make it better. I hate it. There is no reason that any of this had to happen. NO. DAMN. REASON. AT. ALL. It just hurts too much. However, I have no choice but to deal with it, and I am. I'll be OK. Someday.

For those of you wondering, things are OK. Not great, not good, but OK. At least I have been able to stay home, which helps. Our first individual therapy sessions are this week, and I can only hope they do something positive. A lot of people I've talked to have told me that therapy doesn't really help, but I hope there can at least be some good in there. I need a tiny bit of good. Please?

BROTHER JOSH, THIS IS FOR YOU.

Sorry for the bad picture, but it was the only one of me in official dress that I could find. Click to enlarge.

As you know, my mom got married in June. They didn't have a wedding, per se, but got married by a judge at the courthouse in Athens. My aunts, however, threw them a reception at her house afterwards and my Aunt and I were in charge of taking pictures. When putting the pictures on a disk for her, I took a few minutes and made them a DVD slide show to watch on their TV (they are a bit technologically impaired) and I put it YouTube so they could send the link to their friends. It isn't anything fancy, but I thought I'd share it with all of you, too. I think it's kind of cute. Enjoy.

Hmmmmmm...

I checked the tracking on my blog and realized I've been found by more than one person who has been typing the words "FFA + Pantyhose" into the search engine. Apparently, sometime in the past I have mentioned the time I interviewed for a district officer position (which I didn't get, sadly) and the fake tattoo I had on my ankle (and forgot to take off before the interview) could be seen through my pantyhose.

I can't imagine what would be the purpose of searching for those two particular words together unless there is some strange facet of the FFA (Future Farmers of America, for the unwashed) that wasn't in play during my years in the club. Of course, they could just be curious about official dress for a girl, in which case I might can help. It's been 12 years since I donned the corduroy jacket, but here is what I remember: White shirt with a collar, official FFA ascot (very sexy), black skirt or slacks, hose, black shoes, and the ever stylish National Blue & Corn Gold FFA jacket zipped up.

Hope that helped.

Weirdos.