I have not been myself the past few days.
I'm not sure what is going on, but I have been feeling very odd and on edge, like I'm waiting for something to fall on my head. Does that make sense? As I posted elsewhere, I feel as though I'm in mental cover-my-head mode. Like I'm expecting something bad, maybe, but don't have any reason to.
Nothing is going on, as far as I know, and I have no real reason to feel like I do, but something feels "off" to me, and it's making me all jumpy and defensive and I'm beginning to get on my own nerves. All last week, I felt this way, just kind of prickly and growly. I even got called out by a friend for being kind of an asshole (and to be fair, I was - and they used nicer language than that - but calling a spade and spade, that's what I was being!) Granted, at that time I was irritated at my boss for changing budget stuff again, but geez, that's just part of working with other people. I don't know why that made me get snippy at anyone else. I've felt bad about it ever since. :(
I feel the way I usually feel when I'm around someone who is upset or angry, because I can pick up on that kind of thing at close range, but I haven't been around anyone like that lately. I used to be able to depend on my spidey-sense, which felt a lot like this, to let me know if someone that wasn't physically close to me having a problem, but that hasn't been a thing I could rely on for a long time. My spidey-sense is on the fritz, I guess you could say.
I don't know, but I wish it would go away! I want to feel normal again! I'm ready for normal. I'd like to go back to the things I was doing before the December from hell, and I'd like to enjoy stuff and have fun, and not feel like I'm anticipating something bad! UGH! Y'all! This sucks.
I'm sorry to complain. I just have this feeling something is off it's axis, and I can't place my finger on what it is, and it's like an itch I can't scratch! I know it'll pass, as all things do, but I'm afraid I'll run everyone away from me before I can figure it out. I don't want that! Just bear with me...I'm working on making this better!
(On a completely different and much nicer note...I learned to make biscuits this weekend! They were good and they didn't burn or anything! There is hope for me yet!)
I still hug you!
ETA: It isn't PMS. Shame on you for thinking so! :)
Monday, January 14, 2019
Tuesday, January 08, 2019
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING
1) I am not good with words.
I have always wanted, very badly, to be the kind of person that can say things that would help people. If someone is hurting or sad, I want to be able to sit with them, or write to them, and be able to say something that will make it better. Problem is, if I am emotionally close to someone (and those are usually the people I want to comfort the most) I feel the things that they feel and that renders me kind of stupid. Seriously, when I am sad, I can't express myself properly, and if someone I love is sad, scared, nervous, or anything like that, I catch it and I can't say anything helpful. I go completely off the rails. I end up saying the most bizarre and cringe worthy stuff in an attempt to help them and that tends to not help at all.
What I seem to be good at is doing, or at least trying my best to do. You need a hug? I got you. My hugs have been honed by almost 41 years of squishy, southern womanhood and I will try very hard to squeeze the sad right out of you. I will go out of my way to make you laugh if I feel you are sad, to the point of probably seeming like a bit tactless, because I want you not to be sad. You need me to cook you dinner? Clean your house? Walk your dog? Try and poke food into your face if I don't think you're eating? Tell you a long rambling story about how I once fell down in front of everyone in the lunchroom and inadvertently did the splits in a puddle of school mashed potatoes? I can do that! I will buy you useless presents or make you something out of my seemingly endless stash of arts and crafts supplies if I think it will help, even if it doesn't really. I will send you a hug over email if I think you need one! I will also sometimes stand back and not say anything, because the knowledge that my words can't help makes me too afraid to say anything, and that sucks because I want very badly to help and it's a helpless feeling when I can't and I don't want to make it worse.
Why am I telling you a thing most of you know? Because I didn't 100% understand this about myself until recently. I mean, I KNEW, but I didn't KNOW, ya know? Realizing a spiritual gift is a little like finding out about a new super power and not knowing how to use it. It's my own kind of origin story, and I'm just trying to reign it all in now that I see what is going on. I suppose I'm mainly telling you this because if I come at you from nowhere with a gift, or food, or a weird story, or if I jump on you with a hug, I'm trying to help. I know it sometimes makes me seem like a golden retriever that no one ever trained, but please know it comes from a good place and it's because I love you very much and want to make you happy.
Geez, I really am like a Golden Retriever. Makes me reconsider my thoughts about reincarnation. What if this is my first human form?! That would really explain the clumsiness, shedding, and the irresistible urge to fetch.
2) Y'all...I need to lose at least five pounds and it is not happening! I know what is going on, though. I'm way out of practice of doing the things that keep the weight off. From Thanksgiving to New Years, we were not home very much and cooking and eating became catch as catch can. Desserts became something I indulged in when I had managed to mostly give them up before. Also...potato chips. They are my kryptonite. I also pinched a nerve in my back the one day I was able to go to the gym to take my class, and my arms went numb for a while and I couldn't grasp anything, so lifting weights was out of the question and running only made it worse. I am slowly trying to get back into my good habits, but it's hard! It's nice just to eat without worrying about everything you put in your mouth and going out to eat when you don't feel like cooking is great. Exercise is hard and sweaty and not as much fun as people make you think it is. I think back to the 6 months of being hungry last year and it makes me want to stuff my face even when I know better and at the same time not eat at all because I don't ever want to go through that again. Ugh, I just need to work harder. The people at the weight loss clinic will not be happy with me when I go back to weigh in! They can bite me though, because I am working on it! Heehee...they can bite me, but they won't, because I'm way too fattening right now.
3) We have been binge watching the show Vikings on Amazon Prime, and I am surprised that I kind of love it. Steve has always been fascinated with ancient Norse culture and history, so finding a show that is done by the History channel (making it a little more accurate than say, HBO, where I'm sure it would become a vehicle for gratuitous sex and nudity -not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what you're looking for *ahem Game of Thrones*- and drawing from real history as well as mythology) was a lot of fun. Granted, I have to take a break from time to time because it's kind of violent and I don't like mainstreaming stuff like that, but when it's not violent, it's great! It has also sent me down a Wikipedia wormhole reading about the genuine historical people that it depicts, and now I know way more about Norse/early Anglo-Saxon history than is probably useful, but I have no regrets. You should watch it if you get the chance.
4) I know that parenthetical sentence above is a lot of grammatical nonsense (as is most of my writing) and I apologize. Don't come at me. I'm not good at words!
5) I hug you again, but for different reasons than before.
I have always wanted, very badly, to be the kind of person that can say things that would help people. If someone is hurting or sad, I want to be able to sit with them, or write to them, and be able to say something that will make it better. Problem is, if I am emotionally close to someone (and those are usually the people I want to comfort the most) I feel the things that they feel and that renders me kind of stupid. Seriously, when I am sad, I can't express myself properly, and if someone I love is sad, scared, nervous, or anything like that, I catch it and I can't say anything helpful. I go completely off the rails. I end up saying the most bizarre and cringe worthy stuff in an attempt to help them and that tends to not help at all.
What I seem to be good at is doing, or at least trying my best to do. You need a hug? I got you. My hugs have been honed by almost 41 years of squishy, southern womanhood and I will try very hard to squeeze the sad right out of you. I will go out of my way to make you laugh if I feel you are sad, to the point of probably seeming like a bit tactless, because I want you not to be sad. You need me to cook you dinner? Clean your house? Walk your dog? Try and poke food into your face if I don't think you're eating? Tell you a long rambling story about how I once fell down in front of everyone in the lunchroom and inadvertently did the splits in a puddle of school mashed potatoes? I can do that! I will buy you useless presents or make you something out of my seemingly endless stash of arts and crafts supplies if I think it will help, even if it doesn't really. I will send you a hug over email if I think you need one! I will also sometimes stand back and not say anything, because the knowledge that my words can't help makes me too afraid to say anything, and that sucks because I want very badly to help and it's a helpless feeling when I can't and I don't want to make it worse.
Why am I telling you a thing most of you know? Because I didn't 100% understand this about myself until recently. I mean, I KNEW, but I didn't KNOW, ya know? Realizing a spiritual gift is a little like finding out about a new super power and not knowing how to use it. It's my own kind of origin story, and I'm just trying to reign it all in now that I see what is going on. I suppose I'm mainly telling you this because if I come at you from nowhere with a gift, or food, or a weird story, or if I jump on you with a hug, I'm trying to help. I know it sometimes makes me seem like a golden retriever that no one ever trained, but please know it comes from a good place and it's because I love you very much and want to make you happy.
Geez, I really am like a Golden Retriever. Makes me reconsider my thoughts about reincarnation. What if this is my first human form?! That would really explain the clumsiness, shedding, and the irresistible urge to fetch.
2) Y'all...I need to lose at least five pounds and it is not happening! I know what is going on, though. I'm way out of practice of doing the things that keep the weight off. From Thanksgiving to New Years, we were not home very much and cooking and eating became catch as catch can. Desserts became something I indulged in when I had managed to mostly give them up before. Also...potato chips. They are my kryptonite. I also pinched a nerve in my back the one day I was able to go to the gym to take my class, and my arms went numb for a while and I couldn't grasp anything, so lifting weights was out of the question and running only made it worse. I am slowly trying to get back into my good habits, but it's hard! It's nice just to eat without worrying about everything you put in your mouth and going out to eat when you don't feel like cooking is great. Exercise is hard and sweaty and not as much fun as people make you think it is. I think back to the 6 months of being hungry last year and it makes me want to stuff my face even when I know better and at the same time not eat at all because I don't ever want to go through that again. Ugh, I just need to work harder. The people at the weight loss clinic will not be happy with me when I go back to weigh in! They can bite me though, because I am working on it! Heehee...they can bite me, but they won't, because I'm way too fattening right now.
3) We have been binge watching the show Vikings on Amazon Prime, and I am surprised that I kind of love it. Steve has always been fascinated with ancient Norse culture and history, so finding a show that is done by the History channel (making it a little more accurate than say, HBO, where I'm sure it would become a vehicle for gratuitous sex and nudity -not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what you're looking for *ahem Game of Thrones*- and drawing from real history as well as mythology) was a lot of fun. Granted, I have to take a break from time to time because it's kind of violent and I don't like mainstreaming stuff like that, but when it's not violent, it's great! It has also sent me down a Wikipedia wormhole reading about the genuine historical people that it depicts, and now I know way more about Norse/early Anglo-Saxon history than is probably useful, but I have no regrets. You should watch it if you get the chance.
4) I know that parenthetical sentence above is a lot of grammatical nonsense (as is most of my writing) and I apologize. Don't come at me. I'm not good at words!
5) I hug you again, but for different reasons than before.
Monday, January 07, 2019
YAY
The days seem so odd now that we don't have a holiday to look forward to, don't they?
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that it's all over and I am not expected to go anywhere for a while, and I can cook my own dinner, and I don't have to prepare for anything big. I'm not complaining! It's just that everything feels so quiet.
Steve is traveling for work for a couple of days, so things are even more quiet than usual, and that's OK, too. I'm going to do whatever the heck I want! Well, maybe not everything I want to do, but certainly as much of it as I can.
Three cheers for no big holidays for a while!
You can use this quiet time to prepare for my birthday. :)
I hug you!
Don't get me wrong, I am glad that it's all over and I am not expected to go anywhere for a while, and I can cook my own dinner, and I don't have to prepare for anything big. I'm not complaining! It's just that everything feels so quiet.
Steve is traveling for work for a couple of days, so things are even more quiet than usual, and that's OK, too. I'm going to do whatever the heck I want! Well, maybe not everything I want to do, but certainly as much of it as I can.
Three cheers for no big holidays for a while!
You can use this quiet time to prepare for my birthday. :)
I hug you!
Friday, January 04, 2019
HAPPY NEW YEAR
If you are reading this, it means you survived the holidays. Congratulations!
December was, as you know, not so great this year, but we persevered as well as we could. By the time Christmas rolled around, it had gotten a little less grim in our neck of the woods. We spent the holiday quietly, with our various family, and it was nice.
We had dinner with Mr. Lee on Christmas eve. Steve grilled steaks since the weather was warmish, which is one of the nice things about living down here. Also, since we have Mr. Lee's older 3D television now, we asked him to bring a movie that he wanted to watch. He brought Doctor Strange, and I'll be honest, I enjoyed it a lot more in 3D! We saw the regular version in the theater, but it really added a lot to it! Also, I love Benedict Cumberbatch, so win-win.
We spent Christmas Day with my mom and it was planned to be a very low key sort of day. Tommy's birthday was Christmas day, so I knew it was going to be very bittersweet. We didn't have anything big planned, just lunch and gifts and hanging out with the family. Everything was fine, except for one really weird, uninvited guest.
Look, our family doesn't do drama. That's just not who we've ever been as people. Pretty much anything that ever came our way was dealt with quickly, which I can only just now appreciate, but all in all, we have always been like good diamonds: Conflict Free. ;)
Everyone was there except for my youngest nephew and his girlfriend, and so we hadn't started eating yet when someone knocked on the door. We thought it was Seth, but it turned out to be my paternal uncle's wife's brother. Did you follow that? So, no one even remotely related to us at all. The man is...not right. After years of drug and alcohol abuse, resulting in a lot of trouble with his own family that caused them to disown him, he is an incredibly muddled, hostile, unhinged (not violent, but has that potential) sick old man. I don't think I'd ever met him face to face, so when he walked into the house, I didn't know who he was. I was under the impression that he was a friend of my mom's husband, so when he walked in, I was pleasant to him and went about my own business. It wasn't until I saw my mom's face that I realized something was wrong. The man, who literally has no ties to our family even remotely since my father passed away, decided to stop at mom's house and tell her he was sorry about her losing her son. Nice, right? No, not really. I mean, yes, that part was nice, but he turned that opportunity into talking about himself and all of his problems, and that he didn't have any family and wow, look at all the food you have, and a litany of other problems and people that he didn't like and who had wronged him, blah, blah, blah.
My mother, being the saint that she is, told him he could eat with us because (as she told us when the guy was safely out of the room and we were quietly saying WTF did you invite him to eat for?!) she felt sorry for him and that is what Jesus would want her to do.
Take a moment and love my mom for that, won't you? She's too good for this world.
Now, I might not have minded so much if I hadn't been reminded by my sister that this man had, after my dad died and we were still trying to settle his affairs, stole his farm equipment and sold it off before we had a chance to take inventory of it. It's bad enough for him to be a thief, but the fact that he stole my deceased father's stuff before he'd been dead two weeks (which incidentally would have become MY stuff since I inherited the farm portion of the property) infuriated me. We never pressed charged on him or even called him out over what he'd done (we should have, but by the time we realized the extent of what he'd done, it wouldn't have done any good and we were still shell shocked over Papa's death to do much) but we didn't want to cause a fuss. I won't lie, though, I have resented the hell out of that for years from afar. I can't stand a thief or a liar. I was unhappy with the fact that this man who had treated our family so poorly was now sitting at the table talking trash about my uncle and cousins, likely because they wouldn't let him come over and mooch anymore, but we were as welcoming as we could be because as mom said, that is what Jesus would want us to do.
Sometimes I think Jesus asks a bit much. Heh.
So he ate and talked and lied and rambled and we all sat there uncomfortably. My mom's husband was PISSED. He didn't say anything, but he was very uncomfortable with the man being in their house, so he wouldn't even sit down. He kept pacing around, muttering. It was, by far, the most bizarre Christmas lunch I've ever sat through, but soon enough, the man stood up and said he had to leave. That he didn't mean to impose, or some such thing. It was just so WEIRD. Towards the end, I started laughing because I was so uncomfortable and had to go into another room. Eventually, though, he was gone and we locked the door.
After that, the day was nice. We played a game called Spoons, which got kind of violent, but it was fun. We exchanged gifts, sat around and talked, and then we came home.
For new years, we spent the evening at the symphony listening to songs by John Williams, which was good, and I barely made it to midnight! Haha.
By the end of 2018 I buried people I loved, gained too much weight, lost the drive to do a lot of things that I usually enjoy, and missed my friends so much it hurt, but I made it out of the other side with only a few scars. I don't make resolutions, as I am not good at keeping things like that, but I do hope that this new year will be good and fun and prosperous, and full of accomplishments and adventures and most of all happy and full of strength and love for myself and all of you.
Happy New Year! I hug you!
December was, as you know, not so great this year, but we persevered as well as we could. By the time Christmas rolled around, it had gotten a little less grim in our neck of the woods. We spent the holiday quietly, with our various family, and it was nice.
We had dinner with Mr. Lee on Christmas eve. Steve grilled steaks since the weather was warmish, which is one of the nice things about living down here. Also, since we have Mr. Lee's older 3D television now, we asked him to bring a movie that he wanted to watch. He brought Doctor Strange, and I'll be honest, I enjoyed it a lot more in 3D! We saw the regular version in the theater, but it really added a lot to it! Also, I love Benedict Cumberbatch, so win-win.
We spent Christmas Day with my mom and it was planned to be a very low key sort of day. Tommy's birthday was Christmas day, so I knew it was going to be very bittersweet. We didn't have anything big planned, just lunch and gifts and hanging out with the family. Everything was fine, except for one really weird, uninvited guest.
Look, our family doesn't do drama. That's just not who we've ever been as people. Pretty much anything that ever came our way was dealt with quickly, which I can only just now appreciate, but all in all, we have always been like good diamonds: Conflict Free. ;)
Everyone was there except for my youngest nephew and his girlfriend, and so we hadn't started eating yet when someone knocked on the door. We thought it was Seth, but it turned out to be my paternal uncle's wife's brother. Did you follow that? So, no one even remotely related to us at all. The man is...not right. After years of drug and alcohol abuse, resulting in a lot of trouble with his own family that caused them to disown him, he is an incredibly muddled, hostile, unhinged (not violent, but has that potential) sick old man. I don't think I'd ever met him face to face, so when he walked into the house, I didn't know who he was. I was under the impression that he was a friend of my mom's husband, so when he walked in, I was pleasant to him and went about my own business. It wasn't until I saw my mom's face that I realized something was wrong. The man, who literally has no ties to our family even remotely since my father passed away, decided to stop at mom's house and tell her he was sorry about her losing her son. Nice, right? No, not really. I mean, yes, that part was nice, but he turned that opportunity into talking about himself and all of his problems, and that he didn't have any family and wow, look at all the food you have, and a litany of other problems and people that he didn't like and who had wronged him, blah, blah, blah.
My mother, being the saint that she is, told him he could eat with us because (as she told us when the guy was safely out of the room and we were quietly saying WTF did you invite him to eat for?!) she felt sorry for him and that is what Jesus would want her to do.
Take a moment and love my mom for that, won't you? She's too good for this world.
Now, I might not have minded so much if I hadn't been reminded by my sister that this man had, after my dad died and we were still trying to settle his affairs, stole his farm equipment and sold it off before we had a chance to take inventory of it. It's bad enough for him to be a thief, but the fact that he stole my deceased father's stuff before he'd been dead two weeks (which incidentally would have become MY stuff since I inherited the farm portion of the property) infuriated me. We never pressed charged on him or even called him out over what he'd done (we should have, but by the time we realized the extent of what he'd done, it wouldn't have done any good and we were still shell shocked over Papa's death to do much) but we didn't want to cause a fuss. I won't lie, though, I have resented the hell out of that for years from afar. I can't stand a thief or a liar. I was unhappy with the fact that this man who had treated our family so poorly was now sitting at the table talking trash about my uncle and cousins, likely because they wouldn't let him come over and mooch anymore, but we were as welcoming as we could be because as mom said, that is what Jesus would want us to do.
Sometimes I think Jesus asks a bit much. Heh.
So he ate and talked and lied and rambled and we all sat there uncomfortably. My mom's husband was PISSED. He didn't say anything, but he was very uncomfortable with the man being in their house, so he wouldn't even sit down. He kept pacing around, muttering. It was, by far, the most bizarre Christmas lunch I've ever sat through, but soon enough, the man stood up and said he had to leave. That he didn't mean to impose, or some such thing. It was just so WEIRD. Towards the end, I started laughing because I was so uncomfortable and had to go into another room. Eventually, though, he was gone and we locked the door.
After that, the day was nice. We played a game called Spoons, which got kind of violent, but it was fun. We exchanged gifts, sat around and talked, and then we came home.
For new years, we spent the evening at the symphony listening to songs by John Williams, which was good, and I barely made it to midnight! Haha.
By the end of 2018 I buried people I loved, gained too much weight, lost the drive to do a lot of things that I usually enjoy, and missed my friends so much it hurt, but I made it out of the other side with only a few scars. I don't make resolutions, as I am not good at keeping things like that, but I do hope that this new year will be good and fun and prosperous, and full of accomplishments and adventures and most of all happy and full of strength and love for myself and all of you.
Happy New Year! I hug you!
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