YIKES

I may not be very smart. 

Yesterday, I was at work alone and I had to leave the office for a few minutes to load a Power Point presentation into the sanctuary computer. Before I left, I looked at the security monitors to make sure there was no one outside that needed to be let inside before I was out of the room.

I saw a van acting weird in our parking lot. By weird, I mean that there was a van in the middle of our parking lot in an odd position. People do park there during the day from time to time, as people feel safe stopping to make a phone call or answer a text in a church parking lot, but they always park in a space and they leave after a few minutes. This van was in the center of our lot, then it would move forward about 20 feet, then it would stop, then it would go another 20 feet and stop. It caught my attention. So I opened the desktop version of our security software (I always feel very CSI when I use it) and I watched as the van approached my car, stopped as if someone was looking at it, then began circling my car. I thought maybe it was someone trying to figure out if they knew my car. It has fairly distinctive stickers on the back, but other than that it's fairly common  and non descript. However, they just kept circling and circling, getting closer and closer, and then they'd drive around the parking lot again, only to come back to my car and stop after circling it again.

I've only seen a car do this kind of thing once before in our parking lot, and it ended up with three windows being busted out. As I had just paid more money than necessary for my car to be fixed last week, I was feeling protective of Brunhilda Fahrvergnügen and didn't want her getting violated.  So I did what anyone would do. I grabbed the bat that sits behind my desk and ran to the back door with it. I'm not kidding, I was honestly about to go outside and attempt to f*ck someone up for messing with my car.

I'd like to pause here to clarify something. I realize that to say I was about to go outside and use a bat on someone sounds like I'm trying hard to sound tough or bad ass. This is not the case. I joke a lot about using my bat to hit people with, and I joke a lot about throwing things and shouting at people, and while I do get the urge from time to time, I'm not really a violent person. It takes a lot for me to act on any sort of confrontational physical tendencies, and usually by the time I get to that point, I'm either crying in frustration and can't see well enough to do it, or I manage to control myself. If I do act on it, I usually only throw stuff across a room and that is a petty way to handle anger and I always regret it. As I said, I am not a violent person as a rule, but just like anyone else, I can be pushed in that direction.  However, taking the time to write about it on Twitter (which is my go to) gives me a second of clarity before I do stupid things.

I only say all of that because in that moment, I was genuinely about to go outside and do it. I don't know what was going on in my head, or why I thought it was a good idea, but the thought of some punk-ass neighborhood jerk (and we have lots of them here) messing with my car flipped a switch in me that doesn't get flipped often. Luckily, before I could do anything, I realized how stupid I was being. What exactly was I going to do when I got out there? Was I going to hit someone with the bat, for realsies?  WTF was I thinking?  Holy crap, y'all, was this some kind of severe PMS or something? I don't know, but thankfully I stopped, and when I got a good look at the van I saw it was a teenager and his mom, practicing driving.  We have such a big parking lot, and it's usually empty, that I guess people do stuff like this all the time. It just so happened that the driver was using my car as part of his homemade, SpongeBob Squarepants-ian driving course.  Can you imagine how scarred that kid would have been if some bat-wielding, crazy haired, land-locked sea witch came flying out of a church to beat his van windows in?  I mean....

Also, what if it hadn't been someone innocuous?  What if someone HAD been about to break into my car? I imagine that if they were going to do that, they wouldn't have a problem getting the bat away from me and hurting me before I could do anything to them. I could have been hurt, or hurt someone, and I have no idea why I immediately went into Mr. T "I pity the fool who messes with my Jetta" mode in the first place!

I suppose it's anticlimactic and all, because nothing really happened, but have you ever had a moment like that, where all common sense left your body? I think that I must be in constant state of high alert while I'm here at church, because there is a genuine chance that someone from around here will do something stupid to our property, but that is no excuse for dumb-assery of any kind.

I was going to include the security video of the moment I realized I was about to be an idiot, but the less you actually get to see me be an idiot, the less likely you are to remember me being an idiot. Haha.

Oy.

VICE

I have a shameful secret. I shouldn't even talk about it on here, but I think I've kept it to myself long enough.  I hope that the repercussions don't spread too far and ruin lives, but I need to talk about it.

I can't stop watching these horrible, gross, slime videos on YouTube. I mean, I don't indiscriminately watch slime videos, and trust me that is a weirdly prolific genre, but just one "creator's" version of slime videos.  The channel is called "Lena Slime" and this woman (I assume) makes clear slime, and then smushes makeup into it.  I know that description doesn't really sound terrible, but trust me, it is.



You don't have to watch it, but just in case you're curious of what I'm talking about, there you go.

I accidentally found this channel when I was on Facebook. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but if you watch a video on Facebook, they try to keep you watching videos (and therefore ads) by scrolling down to another video, and another, and another. One of these popped up and I thought I'd see WTF it was, and this is what I was shown. After I started watching them, I couldn't stop. I even subscribed to the channel.

The Shamalanian twist about this, though?  I hate the videos. I don't just hate them, but I'm actively disgusted by them. I don't care than this person is wasting makeup, which seems to be the biggest concern in the FB comment section, but I hate it because it's gross. I am grossed out by the sound of the squishing slime. I am grossed out by the fact that she mixes all manner of different textures of waxy, oily, powdery makeup together into a big disgusting paste inside whatever slime is supposed to be. I can somehow mentally FEEL the mix-matched lumps of stuff and it makes my skin crawl. I am also weirdly disturbed when she puts the "wrong" color into the slime - as there is always a theme - and I am completely sure that the end result has something else mixed in to make the colors so homogeneous and for some reason it makes me mad.

There is only one thing I like about these videos, and that is the one moment when she is through destroying makeup, she curls the sides of the clear slime up over the mess in the middle and for a very brief moment it looks like a ball of really pretty, dichroic, blown glass. That's it.

So why do I watch it?  I'm not sure. The only explanation I have been able to come up with is that I can turn my mind off while I'm watching it and I don't have to think about anything. I just watch this woman crumble up makeup and my brain is free to roam at will. That's not always a great thing, especially in my head, but I don't have to focus on anyone talking about politics, or bad things, or people getting shot, or anything like that. I just wish I didn't hate the videos so damn much.

So if you can think of some type of restful, brain unplugging, non gross thing I could be watching instead, please let me know.

Thank you for listening.

BLERF

I am stressed.

Not, like, super stressed, but a fairly constant, low level kind of stressed that is like having a slight headache that I can’t shake. It’s not even about really big-deal type stuff, either, and it’s all stuff I have zero control over.  It’s just a lot of small things that are suddenly happening all at once, and I don’t feel as if I can get a good grasp on any of it. It’s a cumulative thing, I think.

I wish I could be like some of you and give zero fucks about everything, but alas, I was not wired that way. I have a three fucks minimum. Hehe!

Ugh, sorry. I don’t want to sound complainy. Genuinely, I don’t even know why I am mentioning any of this, as it just makes me sound whiny, and I know you have little tolerance for that. I suppose I could just delete this, but I’m not gonna. I’d like to think if you read this, you must care a little bit about me, so maybe you won’t mind me mentioning it.

It’s one of those times when all I want to do is curl up in someone’s lap and get petted until I figure it all out. Metaphorically, of course. Unfortunately, I don’t have any laps.

Ok, so let’s just get through this day and if you could spare some good vibes, I’d appreciate it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta pull myself together and be gangster for a bit.

NEIN, ICH BIN KEINE BANANE

So far, this has been kind of a shit day. 

I mean, it hasn't been terrible by any stretch of the imagination, and it could certainly get worse, but it's been one of those days where little things keep happening that just build up and keep the day from being as awesome as it should be. I woke up not feeling well but had to come to work anyway, I'm still waiting for a response from at least two people I need to get in touch with and cant seem to catch, my car had some kind of seizure and I couldn't turn it on, or off, because the computer got stuck somewhere in the middle, I had to drive the truck (which is a non-air conditioned adventure in itself) and I have had to listen to my coworker bitch for a solid, everlasting, two hours. You've been there right? 

But I don't want to dwell on any of that. Seriously. I know that doesn't sound true since I just outlined all of it, but I did that to kind of purge it out of my brain. I also wanted to put out some good vibes to you lovely people to counterbalance my own weird karma today.

So I hope your day is better than mine has been so far.  I hope your lunch tastes awesome and your tea is perfectly sweet. I hope your dogs and cats behave themselves and no one throws up on your carpet. I hope you get to kiss your sweetheart hello and/or goodbye, at the proper intensity and as often as you like, and the fact that they're wearing lip gloss won't matter at all. I hope your favorite movie comes on and you get to watch it in it's entirety uninterrupted with your choice of pants or no pants and the snacks of your choosing. I hope you get to make your vacation plans, that you find that thing you lost, that you get to go home from work early, and that you get that text you've been waiting for. I hope you run into that friend you've been missing and get to have lunch with them, that your bike ride is epic, and that you hit all of the steps your fitness tracker seems to think you need. I hope you are suddenly struck with a wonderful memory that you haven't thought of in a while that makes you smile and laugh spontaneously while you are coming back from lunch so that other people see you and wonder how you can be so happy just walking back to your office. I hope the doctor visit results in good news, that the package you've been waiting for gets delivered early, and that you are having a really great hair day.  And finally, I hope that if you decide to get naked, either by yourself or with the person of your choosing, that your time is well spent.

I genuinely mean all of those things because, whoever you are, I want you to have an amazing day.

I hug you.