YIKES

I may not be very smart. 

Yesterday, I was at work alone and I had to leave the office for a few minutes to load a Power Point presentation into the sanctuary computer. Before I left, I looked at the security monitors to make sure there was no one outside that needed to be let inside before I was out of the room.

I saw a van acting weird in our parking lot. By weird, I mean that there was a van in the middle of our parking lot in an odd position. People do park there during the day from time to time, as people feel safe stopping to make a phone call or answer a text in a church parking lot, but they always park in a space and they leave after a few minutes. This van was in the center of our lot, then it would move forward about 20 feet, then it would stop, then it would go another 20 feet and stop. It caught my attention. So I opened the desktop version of our security software (I always feel very CSI when I use it) and I watched as the van approached my car, stopped as if someone was looking at it, then began circling my car. I thought maybe it was someone trying to figure out if they knew my car. It has fairly distinctive stickers on the back, but other than that it's fairly common  and non descript. However, they just kept circling and circling, getting closer and closer, and then they'd drive around the parking lot again, only to come back to my car and stop after circling it again.

I've only seen a car do this kind of thing once before in our parking lot, and it ended up with three windows being busted out. As I had just paid more money than necessary for my car to be fixed last week, I was feeling protective of Brunhilda Fahrvergnügen and didn't want her getting violated.  So I did what anyone would do. I grabbed the bat that sits behind my desk and ran to the back door with it. I'm not kidding, I was honestly about to go outside and attempt to f*ck someone up for messing with my car.

I'd like to pause here to clarify something. I realize that to say I was about to go outside and use a bat on someone sounds like I'm trying hard to sound tough or bad ass. This is not the case. I joke a lot about using my bat to hit people with, and I joke a lot about throwing things and shouting at people, and while I do get the urge from time to time, I'm not really a violent person. It takes a lot for me to act on any sort of confrontational physical tendencies, and usually by the time I get to that point, I'm either crying in frustration and can't see well enough to do it, or I manage to control myself. If I do act on it, I usually only throw stuff across a room and that is a petty way to handle anger and I always regret it. As I said, I am not a violent person as a rule, but just like anyone else, I can be pushed in that direction.  However, taking the time to write about it on Twitter (which is my go to) gives me a second of clarity before I do stupid things.

I only say all of that because in that moment, I was genuinely about to go outside and do it. I don't know what was going on in my head, or why I thought it was a good idea, but the thought of some punk-ass neighborhood jerk (and we have lots of them here) messing with my car flipped a switch in me that doesn't get flipped often. Luckily, before I could do anything, I realized how stupid I was being. What exactly was I going to do when I got out there? Was I going to hit someone with the bat, for realsies?  WTF was I thinking?  Holy crap, y'all, was this some kind of severe PMS or something? I don't know, but thankfully I stopped, and when I got a good look at the van I saw it was a teenager and his mom, practicing driving.  We have such a big parking lot, and it's usually empty, that I guess people do stuff like this all the time. It just so happened that the driver was using my car as part of his homemade, SpongeBob Squarepants-ian driving course.  Can you imagine how scarred that kid would have been if some bat-wielding, crazy haired, land-locked sea witch came flying out of a church to beat his van windows in?  I mean....

Also, what if it hadn't been someone innocuous?  What if someone HAD been about to break into my car? I imagine that if they were going to do that, they wouldn't have a problem getting the bat away from me and hurting me before I could do anything to them. I could have been hurt, or hurt someone, and I have no idea why I immediately went into Mr. T "I pity the fool who messes with my Jetta" mode in the first place!

I suppose it's anticlimactic and all, because nothing really happened, but have you ever had a moment like that, where all common sense left your body? I think that I must be in constant state of high alert while I'm here at church, because there is a genuine chance that someone from around here will do something stupid to our property, but that is no excuse for dumb-assery of any kind.

I was going to include the security video of the moment I realized I was about to be an idiot, but the less you actually get to see me be an idiot, the less likely you are to remember me being an idiot. Haha.

Oy.

WHELP...THAT HAPPENED

Some of you have already read this.  I posted this on my Facebook page because I knew people who I'm friends with there would think it was funny. However, I also felt strange NOT writing about it here, because this is where all the crazy stuff that happens in my life ends up!  So I'm posting it here as well, because why not show the rest of the world what a doofus I am!

****

I know I don’t have to tell this story. I know that embarrassing myself is unnecessary, but I’m going to do it because no matter how I felt at the end of the day, it was funny.

Yesterday I had an early appointment and I was in a hurry to get dressed so that I wouldn’t be late. I grabbed a green dress out of the closet and put it on, only thinking for a moment that it seemed a bit short, but as I was wearing hose (don’t judge me) it didn’t seem that concerning.

I went to my meeting, and on the way in and out I struggled to keep my dress down to hide my business when the wind blew. I went to Wal-Mart and had the same problem, but I was shopping, so I didn’t think about it much.

At work, I finally looked at myself in the mirror and realized that my green dress was a lot shorter than I realized. It wasn’t completely indecent, but much shorter than I would be wearing if I had more time to pick my clothes that morning. Every time I’d go into the bathroom, I’d look at how short my dress was and wonder if it had shrunk in the wash. I didn’t remember it being that short before.
On the way home I got gas, and stood in the edge of a busy Huntsville street holding my dress down in the wind as cars went by. I went inside the store to get a drink, even.

As I was getting ready for bed and taking the green dress to put in the hamper, I took one last look and realized that...my green dress didn’t have pockets. It was also not by the brand that was on the tag.

You guys, it wasn’t my dress. It was a shirt. Granted, it was a long shirt, but it was not meant to be worn alone!! I essentially went out of the house, went to an appointment, went to Wal-Mart, went to work, only wearing a shirt! I LEFT THE HOUSE NOT WEARING PANTS.

I knew this day would come, I just thought I’d be older. I need your prayers.

ZERO TO SIXTY IN SIXTEEN WEEKS...ALLEGEDLY

I mentioned a while back that Steve and I were going to undertake a new weight loss program through one of our local hospitals.  I also said that I would try not to talk about it that much. However, as it seems to be the thing that is currently taking over every aspect of my life right now, I'm going to talk about it today.

(Don't worry, I've already got someone on stand by to tell me to shut up if I talk about it too much!  Haha!)

OK, so...

Almost three weeks ago, Steve and I went to our orientation meeting to learn about the program, receive our first batch of "food" (yes, that's in quotes, and I'll explain in a minute) and talk to the nurses, dietitian, and behaviorist to find out what is expected of us.  Every single person we talked to is very enthusiastic about the program and how successful it is, so that was nice.  We were given folders, lessons, appointments to see the different health professionals, and a month-long membership to the hospital's gym.  (We already have a membership to that gym, although we haven't been in a while, but don't tell them that!) The program doesn't have a snazzy name.  I don't know if it has a proper name at all, actually, unless you want to call it what I've referred to it as: Optifast800: Hell in a Juice Box.

So how does it work?  Well, The very first, and apparently most important rule of the program is that for 16 weeks we are not allowed to eat. What's that you say? We aren't allowed to eat? That is crazy! Well, yes. Yes it is.  But, that is, hand to God, the first thing that they told us.  We are not allowed to eat anything.

Stop looking at me like that.  I swear, it's the truth.

The dietitian said that to begin the process of losing weight, our digestive tracts needed to heal.  Heal from what?  Did someone tell him I'd been eating broken glass and staples again?  I dunno, but food - and by that I mean solid, you-can-chew-it-food, is tearing us apart.  I guess.  Again, I don't know, because that part wasn't explained well, but we got the gist.  No eating is allowed.

Well...shit.  Ok, then.

What we are allowed to have is a series of liquid meals that either come already mixed in juice box form, or that come in a powder that we have to mix with water. We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavored shakes, and pouches of powdered soup (because we need sodium) that are either vegetable, chicken, or tomato flavored. The shakes kind of taste like watery protein drinks and the soup tastes kind of like the pouches that come with ramen noodles, only thicker (except for the tomato soup, which is horrible and indescribable except by facial expression and grunts of disgust.) I'm not going to lie, none of it is very good, but it's balanced and portioned out depending on our situation and how much weight we need to lose. I get a total of 5 of these things a day. Eventually we will graduate to replacing one of our shakes with a meal replacement bar.  I'm not sure I'm going to remember how to chew! We can season our food with anything 10 calories or less, so we've learned to get creative. We can also have sugar free Jell-O for a treat. Whee. At any rate, all of this is so we can reset ourselves (?) and lose the weight that we need to lose. It was decided by the doctor that I need to lose 60 pounds.  Honestly, I thought he'd tell me to lose more, so... silver lining!

So I haven't had solid food, except random sesame seeds that happen to be in spice mixes that we're allowed to use in our soup, in three weeks. I have not cheated on the program, even though I've been tempted! Unfortunately I haven't lost much weight at all.  I have yelled at Steve twice.  Not because I was mad at him, or because any of this is his fault, but because I'm having a hard time adjusting and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is. I mean, I only have 3 things I enjoy these days and eating was one of them, now I don't have that, and I'm down to two of them!  It's frustrating! Steve is very sanguine about everything and he's doing very well with all of this and has thus far lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I want to hit him with a shoe.  Again, not his fault.  Ok, maybe a little his fault!  ; )

We have to attend weekly meetings, kind of like AA (we aren't supposed to talk about anyone else in the program or what they say) and I was worried that it would be an all evening thing, but luckily I get to come home at 5:30 or so afterwards, so that was a relief.  I've already had my first meeting with the behaviorist, and he seems like a pretty solid guy. I assume at some point I'll be in his office crying about something and have a breakthrough about why I like to eat so much.  Who knows? I'll have to see either him, a nurse, or a doctor once a week from now until May. I'll also have to have blood work every two weeks until a point in this program where they deem it unnecessary, but I don't know when that is!

This week we start working with a personal trainer, and hopefully she will be able to help me know what I need to do physically not just to lose weight, but to help my body be healthier.  I also told her I want to get to a point where I can run for funzies, so...we'll see how that goes.  She seems to think I can do it, so why not?

There is a part of me that really isn't sure I'll make it all the way through, much less lose 60 pounds, but I really want to succeed.  Not just to lose the weight, but to stick to something that is very difficult. I'm not generally a quitter, but damn, this program is tough!  I also want to make sure I don't do anything to deter Steve from succeeding, and I know me doing this along with him is very helpful. 

I'm currently making a kind of video diary of the process, so if I keep up with that, one day in the distant future, I'll show you how much "Fun" I've been having during all of this!  All I can ask is that you keep your fingers crossed for me, and maybe say a prayer for Steve!  Haha!

God, I'm hungry.