RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING 2022 STYLE

 1) Happy New Year, you guys! It's 2022 and so far...well, an asteroid hasn't fallen onto any of us and Godzilla hasn't crawled his (her?) way out of any nearby bodies of water! So, I don't care if we're only three days in, I'm calling that a win! Woo-Hoo!

2) The holidays were swell, thanks for asking. Because of my afore mentioned surgery, we didn't do a ton of festivities. We spent Christmas eve with Mr. Lee, wherein I cooked a very large dinner for Steve and his dad and we visited for a while. It was really fun! 

We spent Christmas Day with my mom and the extended family over there. I am still wary of spending time with big groups of people, but sometimes we aren't given much of a choice on things. Two of my nieces are now expecting babies, so there was much excitement about that! There was also a puppy there, which was much more my speed, so I got in some good cuddle time with him!

Probably the best part was dirty Santa, which is always fun and funny. The bag I originally picked turned out to hold a huge box of Godiva chocolate. Any other year, I would have bitten anyone who tried to take it from me, but it wasn't going to be doing me much good this year! Heehee! Thankfully someone took pity on me and took it away and I ended up with one of those plaid, earflap lumberjack hats. I love it so much, but Steve has claimed it for his own. I'm sure I can steal it for when I want to look like a Canadian hoser, so I'm not bothered too much. We ended the day watching movies and sleeping, so I guess you could say it was a pretty great Christmas.

3) One of my childhood best friends, who was like a sister to me for years, lost her husband to Covid yesterday. They are my age, not old or infirm, but my age. He had been on a ventilator for a while, I gather, and was struggling, but she was asking for prayers. I did pray, and hard, but he didn't get better. It broke my heart for her. I didn't know the guy, and to be honest, I haven't spoken face to face with her for close to 20 years, but somehow that didn't matter. When you are ever close to someone, I don't think you really ever stop caring about them, and she has had so much hard luck in her life since we were friends. I wanted desperately for him to get better so he could go back to her and their son, but it just didn't work out that way. Sometimes prayers just don't work like you think they will. His funeral is tomorrow, and I wish I could go, but I can't. 

4) Speaking of Covid, guess who has been quarantined for the past few days because of it? The Pratt family! Technically, Steve came down with it first and now I'm pretty sure I have it, too. I hadn't had a chance to get my booster yet, which sucks. Since my surgery, I had avoided going back to church because I was recovering and also because we have a few people there who haven't ever taken the whole pandemic seriously. I purposefully even missed one more Sunday than I actually needed to just to make sure I was in the clear. Steve went, because he had felt bad for missing so much, and wouldn't you know it...a couple came to church who didn't know that they had it. Steve shook the guy's hand and that's all it took. Weirdly, the man was fully vaccinated and had had his booster, but he still got it. We didn't know until Thursday that they were sick, but that's when Steve started coughing. He had a regular doctor's appointment the next day, where they gave him one of the tests that take a few days to get back, but the doctor said he should go get a rapid test, just to be safe. It took him two days to find a walk-in clinic that could see him. They are so busy that they have to stop taking walk ins by 11:00AM, but he finally managed to get a test and found out he was positive. He says he doesn't feel bad except for the coughing, which is good! I don't feel so great and I've had a low fever, coughing and runny nose, but it isn't terrible. It's like having an annoying cold. Maybe it is just an annoying cold, but we can't take any chances. Thankfully I'm stronger than I was even a week ago, so maybe it won't get any worse. Also, we didn't get any groceries before we found out we needed to quarantine, and we've had a hell of a time getting things delivered to our house, so it's good I'm not eating much at the moment. But it could be worse, so I'm not going to dwell too much on it! It just means I get to sit around in my nightgown for a couple of days while I avoid doing anything productive. That's not so terrible. :)

5) Being stuck at home and away from people, I've been thinking a lot about the people I haven't gotten to see in a long time. I'm really very worried that I'll never see some of them again. I know that sounds dire, but at this point it is also very possible. I hate the idea of that. I'm fairly sure they just don't want to see me, even after it's safe to do so. It's not like we haven't had the chance or opportunity even when it was safe, but what can you do? I wish I knew what I did to cause it. It makes me so sad and makes my heart hurt.

6) It snowed here last night! It looks to be about 5 inches, but I didn't measure. It's so beautiful outside. The downside is that we lost some limbs and part of a tree fell on our garage, but thankfully it doesn't look like it did any damage. The really funny thing is that the day before it was almost 80 degrees, and we had tornadoes! Even in our neck of the woods, which hasn't had a serious warning since 1989, we had them. I had on my bike helmet and had my emergency bag strapped to my chest (Literally, that's how close it came) but thankfully it passed over. We have such weird weather here!

7) Except for the possible covid, I'm doing fine. I actually got to go back to work last week and everything! I'm still struggling to figure out how eating works now, though. Sometimes I feel hungry all day, but when I try to eat, I can't. Sometimes I can eat just fine. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm hungry at all. I know I can't eat chicken, but I can eat lentils and eggs, and I figured out how to make a kind of gruel that doesn't taste terrible and has some nutritional value. You know, I kind of thought this surgery was an easier way to control my weight, but it really isn't. There is so much you have to figure out! You have to learn how to eat all over again! Also, I'll eventually have to begin exercising, and that'll be hard because I'm so tired all the time. Eh, I'll figure it out. I'm a smart cookie.

Want to know something weird, though? People are sometimes kind of rude about it. Granted, I don't think they mean to be, but they have a lot of anecdotes. They say things like "You know this might not work. I've heard that you can just eat and gain all of your weight back" or "I knew a lady who had this and one day she just died. You really need to be careful." So, I mean, WTF? I already have enough anxiety about this, but it's still not fun for other people to come out with stuff like that!

And although I can't 100% prove it, I know there are some people who, and they'd never admit to it, but I get the impression that they are kind of grossed out at the thought of what I had done, and by extension, they are grossed out by me. That makes me feel like a freak show on wheels! Ugh. I just didn't think there would be so many OPINIONS about it. Geez.

8) Wow, this is a lot of thoughts. I'll just end it here. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A WEIGHTY ISSUE

So here's the thing...and it's not a thing I think I'd normally talk about, but I'm nervous and talking about it helps a bit.

In December, I am going to have surgery! Don't worry, I'm not sick or anything! This is a completely elective sort of thing that I've been considering for almost a year. What kind of surgery is this, you may ask? 

I am going to have a vertical gastric sleeve surgery. It's a weight loss surgery. A doctor is going to poke some holes in my abdomen, remove part of my stomach, and then sew it all back up! This will limit the amount of food I can eat and, therefore, aid in weight loss. I have to make permanent changes in my eating habits after this surgery and take vitamin supplements and a myriad of other things, but ultimately, if I do it all right, I will lose weight and get healthier! Fingers crossed!

Look, y'all, I'm going to be just as blunt as I can be. I'm very overweight. Almost 100 pounds overweight, according to the BMI chart. That is not only unfortunate, ugly, and embarrassing, it is dangerous. I've tried all manner of things to lose it in the past, and for the most part I've had spells of being successful. I've been able to lose about 40 pounds at a time, three times, before gaining it back. Of course, the first two times I tried to lose weight, I had the help of pharmaceutical grade amphetamines (not great for the heart or anxiety issues) and the third time I was in a medically controlled fasting weight loss program that I hated so much that I was in a state of hungry misery for 6 months and that particular program was apparently my body's last straw. I was only able to maintain that weight loss for about 7 months before I ended up gaining twice the weight I lost. For the past three years, I've been steadily gaining weight, hating the way I look, not wanting to go out in public, being embarrassed every time I see a photo of myself, noticing a distinct strain on my joints and nerves, and not being able to find clothes that fit. Also, I'm beginning to worry about my heath in general. As of my last check-up, I'm still in general good health, but borderline on some of the things that will cause very bad health down the line if I don't do something drastic. Surgery was not my first choice to fix these problems, but it has become the choice I'm making for myself because I'm not sure what else to do.

You're probably thinking to yourself, why TF are you going to have surgery for something like that? Can't you just get out and run and eat less and go to the gym like a normal person? Well, apparently not. Or at least, not in a way that is helpful. I've mentioned before that I have spine problems. My bones are wearing down. I don't think that has anything to do with my weight (I mean, it might, but I don't think so) but it hurts, you guys. It hurts all the time. When I work out, in any way, it gets worse. I can't lift weights, I can't run, and even walking long distances or being on a stationary bike makes me hurt so badly that it causes nerve pain that almost drives me crazy. I know that I'll have to exercise after having this surgery, but I'm hoping that when I don't weigh so much, maybe my back won't hurt as bad. As for the eating less? I'm an emotional binge eater. I always have been. I use food as a crutch. It was hard to come to that conclusion, but I sometimes don't have any conscious control over myself when I eat. I hate that about myself, but as I've gotten older, I've been able to control it less. If I physically control what I can have and the amount of it I can have at a time, then hopefully that will help.

I might still have not decided to go this route, but my coworker had it and has had great results. Granted, it hasn't always been smooth sailing, but big life changes usually aren't easy. Before I committed to the surgery, I tried once more to lose it on my own, but I only gained more weight. So I talked to my doctor and this is where I landed.

Is this surgery foolproof? No. If I'm not careful, I could end up right back where I am right now. The surgery is just a tool to help me. I have to be more careful than ever to make sure I eat better and exercise more, but I'll have a better chance of succeeding with this surgery. I need something drastic to kick me in the butt and make me take control of things, which I hope this will do.

Am I scared? As fuck. Weirdly, I'm not afraid of the surgery, or even the life changes afterward. What I'm scared of is the complications that can happen. Any surgery can have complications, as you know, and for some reason I keep scaring myself by thinking of the absolute worst outcomes. During the day, it all seems silly, but at night, I'll scare myself to death thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Obviously, that is normal, but the fact that I'm so nervous makes it all worse somehow. Also, I'm (and this is the really crazy thing) scared that I'm going to chicken out of this. I desperately don't want to do that. As I said, I didn't come to this decision lightly or uninformed. I'm choosing to do this. So why am I so scared that I'm going to back out? It doesn't make sense. It seems normal to worry that I'll die, but it seems weird to be worried that I won't go through with it at all. I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

So that is what is going on with me. I'd appreciate any good vibes or prayers or whatever you could send my way. I'm ready to do something to help myself. The surgery sounds worse than it actually is, as far as I know, and the doctor I'm going to is supposed to be one of the best in the state. Just keep your fingers crossed for me, please!

SIGH

OK, just a heads up, I'm about to have a little pity party here for myself.

I feel like a failure.

Anyone who has been around these parts since January of this year knows about the rather extreme weight loss program that Steve and I were a part of. It wasn't fun.  It was hard, and awful, and hungry and depressing, but it worked.  I lost over 40 pounds and, I'm not going to lie, I was kind of proud of myself.  Granted, anyone who basically starves themselves will lose weight, but I felt like I was doing it in a relatively smart way: medical supervision, with a support group and an educational class to teach about nutrition and exercise.  It had all of the elements of a successful program that would provide long term results.

I think for almost everyone else in the program it has worked, but for me not so much, and it's all my fault.

Ever since Steve and I were released into "Maintenance Mode" which basically means that we are no longer under weekly supervision, things don't seem to be working out so well.  Some things are fine, as I'm way more aware of the things I eat, I go twice a week to pretty intense circuit workout class, I rarely eat fast food anymore (maybe 5 times since January,) I hardly eat sweets, I eat more vegetables and less carby stuff now than I ever have in my entire life, and a good half of what I consume in a day is hospital approved meal replacements.

Despite all of that, I am still not doing something right, even though I can't really pinpoint it. I know it has to be a lot to do with what I'm eating, as I do eat at restaurants and don't always make the best choices when I'm there.  I have a weakness for salty things, and although I don't do it often, I'll occasionally have a drink if we go out with friends. I'm so tired all of the time that when I don't specifically have gym class, I'm usually sleeping as much as possible so that I can make it through the day without falling asleep at work. Even though those habits aren't even at the level that they were, my weight is creeping slowly upwards and I am ashamed of myself for it.

I know I shouldn't be, because there are probably way more things I should consider being ashamed of myself for, but I can't help it. I worked so hard to lose this weight and now I'm just...failing...at food. I spent so much money and time doing the danged program and now it feels like I wasted all of it.  I know I didn't, as I saw results, but for them to be so easily lost is disheartening.  What's even worse is that when we do go to our monthly meetings, I see everyone doing their thing and it seems so effortless, and I'm just sitting there slowly melting back into a blob of personage by the second.

The thing is, that my shame isn't specifically just about gaining the weight back, although that is something I desperately don't want, but the fact that I couldn't be disciplined enough to maintain the weight loss I'd achieved for even a month after being let go from the program. I'm not back to where I was in the beginning, but if the trend continues, I will be and I don't want that.

I'm just so disgusted with myself, you guys!  I know that if I work at it, I can find some kind of groove to get back into, but right now it seems kind of hopeless and I'm just so frustrated.  I can't just live on meal bars and dietary Yoo-Hoo for the rest of my life. I can only do as much exercise as my body will let me.  I'm just...ugh.

I'm sorry, I know that in the scheme of things this is a very minor blip on the screen, and I hope that I'll just figure out what my issue is and fix it, but right now I'm just so disheartened. 

That is all.  Pity party over for a bit. :)  I hug you.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: AGAIN

1) This past weekend we (Steve, Anthony, and I) went to a sci-fi convention here in town! It was the Huntsville Comic and Pop Culture Expo.  It isn't big or fancy (yet), but we had a great time, I thought.  There were a lot of great costumes, so the people watching was so much fun. I sat on the Iron Throne, I met Jermaine "Funnymaine" Johnson - who is the guy to does the funny Alabama football recaps during the fall, and I met Kevin Sorbo.

If you remember (and I know you probably don't, but I'm going to pretend you do) several years ago, I saw Mr. Sorbo at Dragon*con and he, along with his entourage, almost knocked me down a flight of stairs.  He didn't even look my way as I had to catch myself.  He had been on my list since then, but it turns out the man is actually pretty nice.  Anthony was wearing a Saints shirt, and he stopped and we talked football with him for a minute.  He's a BIG Vikings fan ('cause he's from Minnesota) so we teased him a bit, but he had a good sense of humor about it.  Turns out he's very nice and probably wouldn't almost shove me down a flight of stairs at this point in his life, so he's no longer on my list. Is that really all it takes to get on my good side?  Pretty much.

There were a lot of booths in the vendor area that had cool stuff to buy.  I have to say, the vendor area is probably my favorite place in any Con I've ever been to, but that's because the sheer amount of local artists (and maybe not so local) that have stuff on display.  I don't have a lot of room for stuff like that right now, so I didn't buy anything other than a DIY Funko Pop figurine.  I'm going to make it into a Me figurine, because who wouldn't want their own Funko, amiright?  Haha!

One funny thing that happened was that at one of the vendor booths, I asked one of the guys running the booth if he had a particular figure Anthony was looking for, and after staring at him and wondering why he looked so familiar, I realized we graduated high school together and had gone to church together for a few years.  He hugged me and I asked him a few questions, but I have no idea if he knew who I was until right before I left him.  Heh, that's fine.  We didn't talk much in school, so it wasn't like he was my long lost BFF or anything.  It was good seeing him, though!

We went back that night to see Jermaine Johnson's stand up act, and he was very funny.  Go see him if you get a chance!  He does more than talk about football.

2) OK, so Steve and I have been on this weight loss program for roughly 8 weeks, which is halfway through the worst part of the program, and duuuuuuuude, it sucks.  Well, let me be more clear, it can suck.  It's easier than it was, so I'm grateful for that, but I'm losing weight so slowly and Steve is losing weight so quickly, that it's hard not to wonder what I'm doing wrong. I know that men lose weight faster than women, so that's not s huge surprise, but still, so far...6 weeks of nothing but liquids, 2 weeks of mostly liquids and one meal replacement bar a day, my fitness tracker app thinks I have an eating disorder and the people at the hospital (who are lovely and supportive) have asked if I was still following the program. I am, I promise! I don't think they believe me, because everything is happening so slowly for me. It's insanely frustrating.

I haven't cheated on the program, although I've been tempted, but I don't want to mess up whatever ground I've gained thus far. I'm constantly hungry, which they said I wouldn't be, but maybe it's just me. I already knew I was an emotional eater, but geez, I never knew how much of one.  Before, if I had a bad day or something was bothering me, I'd always eat something that made me feel better, because food is good and comforting, but now I can't do that and sometimes I have no idea how to handle myself when life gets on my nerves!  Hehe, don't worry, I'm not a complete basket case, but it's hard to change a lifelong habit and I'm still trying to find my footing.  I'm getting a bit better at it!

The behaviorist and I talked about how some parts of our lives were controlled by our "Logical Brain" and some our "Primitive Brain."  He told me to imagine having a 6 year old in my head, and that 6 year old controls how I eat.  If you give any normal kid a choice between a hamburger and a salad, most kids will pick the hamburger.  If my logical brain was in charge, I'd go with the salad, but apparently the 6 year old is loud and persistent.  For a couple of weeks, I tried very hard to rule myself in most areas of my life with my logical brain, but you know what?  Screw that. My logical brain is boring! I can't live like that. Plus, I think my primitive brain is more like a 20 year old, so technically I'm not letting a child choose my food for me.  However, I have been eating only what I'm supposed to eat, and my primitive brain has been pouting, but she is just going to have to chill until I see this thing through. I am determined to do that much if I can.  Just between you and me, though, I'm pretty sure my primitive brain is in charge of lots of stuff, because I don't think I'm very logical, and doing the fun, inappropriate stuff is usually my go to.

I'll tell you what, though, it's hard. I was describing this to a friend of mine, and I think the worst part is that I know I could just quit this program and do whatever I want, but I have to constantly stop myself from doing that. Imagine wanting something so badly that it almost hurts, knowing you could go out and grab it, but not letting yourself because you don't want to screw something up?  I'm really not good at telling myself no, I guess.  Ugh...denial is not my strong-suit. 

Anyways, I'm still chugging along.  I don't think I'm going to be anywhere close to the goal weight they set me at this point, but I'm trying very hard!  That's got to count for something, right?

ZERO TO SIXTY IN SIXTEEN WEEKS...ALLEGEDLY

I mentioned a while back that Steve and I were going to undertake a new weight loss program through one of our local hospitals.  I also said that I would try not to talk about it that much. However, as it seems to be the thing that is currently taking over every aspect of my life right now, I'm going to talk about it today.

(Don't worry, I've already got someone on stand by to tell me to shut up if I talk about it too much!  Haha!)

OK, so...

Almost three weeks ago, Steve and I went to our orientation meeting to learn about the program, receive our first batch of "food" (yes, that's in quotes, and I'll explain in a minute) and talk to the nurses, dietitian, and behaviorist to find out what is expected of us.  Every single person we talked to is very enthusiastic about the program and how successful it is, so that was nice.  We were given folders, lessons, appointments to see the different health professionals, and a month-long membership to the hospital's gym.  (We already have a membership to that gym, although we haven't been in a while, but don't tell them that!) The program doesn't have a snazzy name.  I don't know if it has a proper name at all, actually, unless you want to call it what I've referred to it as: Optifast800: Hell in a Juice Box.

So how does it work?  Well, The very first, and apparently most important rule of the program is that for 16 weeks we are not allowed to eat. What's that you say? We aren't allowed to eat? That is crazy! Well, yes. Yes it is.  But, that is, hand to God, the first thing that they told us.  We are not allowed to eat anything.

Stop looking at me like that.  I swear, it's the truth.

The dietitian said that to begin the process of losing weight, our digestive tracts needed to heal.  Heal from what?  Did someone tell him I'd been eating broken glass and staples again?  I dunno, but food - and by that I mean solid, you-can-chew-it-food, is tearing us apart.  I guess.  Again, I don't know, because that part wasn't explained well, but we got the gist.  No eating is allowed.

Well...shit.  Ok, then.

What we are allowed to have is a series of liquid meals that either come already mixed in juice box form, or that come in a powder that we have to mix with water. We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavored shakes, and pouches of powdered soup (because we need sodium) that are either vegetable, chicken, or tomato flavored. The shakes kind of taste like watery protein drinks and the soup tastes kind of like the pouches that come with ramen noodles, only thicker (except for the tomato soup, which is horrible and indescribable except by facial expression and grunts of disgust.) I'm not going to lie, none of it is very good, but it's balanced and portioned out depending on our situation and how much weight we need to lose. I get a total of 5 of these things a day. Eventually we will graduate to replacing one of our shakes with a meal replacement bar.  I'm not sure I'm going to remember how to chew! We can season our food with anything 10 calories or less, so we've learned to get creative. We can also have sugar free Jell-O for a treat. Whee. At any rate, all of this is so we can reset ourselves (?) and lose the weight that we need to lose. It was decided by the doctor that I need to lose 60 pounds.  Honestly, I thought he'd tell me to lose more, so... silver lining!

So I haven't had solid food, except random sesame seeds that happen to be in spice mixes that we're allowed to use in our soup, in three weeks. I have not cheated on the program, even though I've been tempted! Unfortunately I haven't lost much weight at all.  I have yelled at Steve twice.  Not because I was mad at him, or because any of this is his fault, but because I'm having a hard time adjusting and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is. I mean, I only have 3 things I enjoy these days and eating was one of them, now I don't have that, and I'm down to two of them!  It's frustrating! Steve is very sanguine about everything and he's doing very well with all of this and has thus far lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I want to hit him with a shoe.  Again, not his fault.  Ok, maybe a little his fault!  ; )

We have to attend weekly meetings, kind of like AA (we aren't supposed to talk about anyone else in the program or what they say) and I was worried that it would be an all evening thing, but luckily I get to come home at 5:30 or so afterwards, so that was a relief.  I've already had my first meeting with the behaviorist, and he seems like a pretty solid guy. I assume at some point I'll be in his office crying about something and have a breakthrough about why I like to eat so much.  Who knows? I'll have to see either him, a nurse, or a doctor once a week from now until May. I'll also have to have blood work every two weeks until a point in this program where they deem it unnecessary, but I don't know when that is!

This week we start working with a personal trainer, and hopefully she will be able to help me know what I need to do physically not just to lose weight, but to help my body be healthier.  I also told her I want to get to a point where I can run for funzies, so...we'll see how that goes.  She seems to think I can do it, so why not?

There is a part of me that really isn't sure I'll make it all the way through, much less lose 60 pounds, but I really want to succeed.  Not just to lose the weight, but to stick to something that is very difficult. I'm not generally a quitter, but damn, this program is tough!  I also want to make sure I don't do anything to deter Steve from succeeding, and I know me doing this along with him is very helpful. 

I'm currently making a kind of video diary of the process, so if I keep up with that, one day in the distant future, I'll show you how much "Fun" I've been having during all of this!  All I can ask is that you keep your fingers crossed for me, and maybe say a prayer for Steve!  Haha!

God, I'm hungry.

OY

Yesterday I stopped at Fresh Market after work so that I could pick up a few things.  I mainly needed some spinach, but I also got a couple of apples, some sandwich stuff, and some coffee.  Up until right before I got into the check-out lane, there was nothing really unhealthy in my basket. 

Since my weight loss has gone from slow and steady to flat out nonexistent*,  I usually look at the nutritional info of food I buy and I try not to get anything that isn't completely reasonable.  I say "usually" because I'm human and sometimes sister needs some potato chips or something OK?!  I'm not made of STONE!

So, I grabbed a bag of chips as well as a bag of the big, in-house made croutons to see what they tasted like. They only had big bags of them, so it was my only option.  I also got Steve some, well, I don't know what it was, but it was one of those mixed up snack things I knew he'd like from the bulk bin area. 

I get in line, totally not paying attention to anyone or anything around me - like I do - when the woman at the register right ahead of me says my name.  I looked up and it was my nutritionist!  You remember, the one who gets so excited when you're losing weight and doing well, and who looks like a punched kitten when you don't?  I say hello, and we do that whole awkward small talk thing that people who only kinda know each other do when they see each other out in the wild. You know what I'm talking about.  Right as she's getting her stuff to leave, she glances at the basket in my hand.  She doesn't say anything, of course, but I see her looking.

I swear to you, time slowed down.  It was like one of those slow-motion parts of a movie right before a bomb goes off, or bullets fly, or something equally terrible happens. 

I also glanced down at my basket and realized that all of the decent, healthy food I'd originally come in to buy was completely obscured by potato chips, a huge bag of croutons, and a vat of snack mix.  For all I know, she didn't really pay attention to what I was holding, but she IS a nutritionist and food is her jam, so I'm pretty sure she did.  When I looked back up, she was walking away, and I came within an ace of running after her and screaming "WAIT! THERE'S SPINACH IN HERE! APPLES! HEALTHY STUFF, I SWEAR!!!!!!"  Alas, she was gone, and I was left holding what looked like a 4:20 Munchy Run. Oy. I expect to hear about this at our next meeting.

So the moral of this story is: Now I have to go clear across town if I want potato chips, and Steve can buy his own damn snack mix.

*Seriously, I need to be in another wedding, or get invited to the Oscars, or something where I'm in danger of having my picture made.  Apparently, the only working motivation I have is the fear of being fat in front of large groups of people. It's quite frustrating.

LONG TIME NO SEE

Well, hello there!  It's been a while, hasn't it?

I wanted to assure you that I wasn't dead (at least not at the time of this writing I wasn't. But if I were, it'd be wicked creepy, right? Can ghosts even type?) and that I hadn't completely abandoned the idea of blogging.  I've just been...eh...well, I guess you could say I've been otherwise occupied.

OK, that's kind of a lie.  The reason I haven't been writing is because I've been to tired to type.  I know that sounds absolutely dumb, but it's the truth.  For the past two weeks, I've been too tired and brain addled to actually function as a thinking person.  I've had all these things I've wanted to write about, but I didn't have the energy.  Of course, now I can't remember any of my stories, which stinks, because I'm sure they were entertaining.

Anyways, so why have I been so tired?  Well, because I have recently been put on a rather demanding (for me anyway) diet and exercise regimen and I think it's killing me.

It all began a little over two weeks ago when I had to go see my doctor for my quarterly weight-loss checkup.  For those of you who know me well, you know that I've struggled with my weight for years.  I'm not, you know, carnival side-show fat or anything, but I've been heavier than I should be for a while.  I'd been trying to lose weight, but I wasn't having much success.  I'll admit to the fact that I'd been kind of half-hearted in my attempts since my last check-up, at least at first.  There were the holidays to get through (which is when all the good food is around) and also, I really, really, really like food.  I'm serious.  I like to eat a whole lot.   However, after the new year, I decided to get more serious about trying to lose weight and I thought I had been doing a pretty good, if kind of erratic, job at it.  At least I thought so until I went for my checkup and saw that I'd gained 5 pounds on top of all the other weight I needed to lose.  I actually started to cry, sitting right there in front of my doctor.  It was embarrassing.

I wasn't crying because I'd gained weight, really.  I was frustrated.  I'm sure everyone knows what it feels like to think that you are finally making some headway on a project or whatever, only to realize that you are not only stalled, but starting to go in the complete wrong direction. Gah!  My doctor, who is a dear, sweet, old guy, apparently doesn't like crying ladies, so after a few more questions, he walked out and sent a nurse in to finish up my appointment and to tell me they'd made an appointment for me with a dietician the next week.  That was not a good day for me, as you probably noticed, because I had to put an otter on this blog to make myself feel better. Shut up, otters are adorable.

The dietician was not a fitness nazi like I'd assumed she'd be.  She's very young, very sweet, and very perky.  I really have no idea how to explain my first impression of her, because I'm sure she wasn't being rude in any way, but I think tactless is the right word.  She took me into the room where she does her appointments and weighed me, and she said "Wow, I'd never had guessed you weighed that much!  I mean, I can usually call it withing a pound or two, I could probably work for a carnival, but you don't look like you weigh that much!"  Uh...thanks?  Luckily she turned out to be very nice and professional, so I forgive her initial comment. :)  Very good of me, no?

The things she said actually made a lot of sense to me, and surprisingly I'd been eating most of the right kinds of things all along.  However, as a whole, I was doing almost everything wrong as far as portions, exercise, and I was cheating way too often.  It wasn't until she lay it all out for me that I realized what I was doing wrong.  I'd learned a lot about about nutrition from a church program we had years ago called First Place, so that part was easy, but the exercise part was what gave me pause.  She asked how often I'd been going to the gym, and then said I'd probably need to be going 5 times a week.  Oy vey, y'all, the only thing that had made it possible for me to go to the gym up to that point was knowing that there were days I didn't have to go.  She also said one thing that really stuck with me.  She said that I'd have to make the decision: Do I want to eat the things that are bad for me more than I want to reach my goals.  Crap.  I hate it when people remind me that my own decisions affect my life.  I enjoy being able to blame other people!

It's been hard, I'm not going to lie about that.  Changing my eating habits has been, and continues to be, very hard for me because there are so many delicious things I want to eat and have to avoid.  I'm not on a diet, per se, because I can eat whatever I want, but for the first time I'm having to decide if it's worth it to eat the things that I know are bad for me. It sucks, but it's slowly getting better.  At least I'm passed the point of being willing to trade sexual favors for cookies! :)

The exercise, though...is the worst.  I think the exercising is what is slowly killing me.  I know that it's just because I'm just starting out with the new exercise regimen, but so far it's sapping my will to live.  I've been going in the mornings, and by the time I get back home I'm a worthless lump of person.  There have been days where I haven't been able to do anything at all for the rest of the day.  The best way to describe it is this:  Have you ever gotten really bad news?  Like, I don't know, someone you love has died or committed a murder or something equally as bad, and after the initial shock and tears are over, you just sit there in a soupy fog of despair, unable to think or move or function in any useful way?  That's how I've been feeling, minus the despair of course.  That sounds kind of melodramatic, but hand to God, that's as apt as I can be.  I've even had moments were my brain has thought "Oh, are we doing the moveless-depression thing?" and I've gotten tears in my eyes - which I suppose is some kind of reaction my body has to snap me out of that- but then I remember I'm not sad and crying would be weird and unhelpful.  I've had moments when one of my legs just refused to do what I asked it, and I've gone places to do errands and had to leave because I was so tired that I was afraid that I'd fall over in the middle of an aisle.  I'd sat down a couple of times to write on this blog, but the act of typing was just too much to deal with.  That part is also getting better, but very, very slowly.

So that's where I am.  I have no idea if I'm going to be able to stick with this, because quite honestly it's hard and I'm a little flaky, but I'm going to try.  I'd like to be successful through sheer will-power, but I don't have much of that.  We'll see.  Hopefully now I'm getting on top of some of this and there will be less of the jelly-legged exhaustion and more of the "Hey, exercise makes me feel good" type of stuff I'm hearing so much about.  I've got to get my head in the game, as the saying goes.  Maybe once I am able to see some kind of results from this, it'll get easier.  I hope so! Keep your fingers crossed for me, 'cause I'm going to need it.

At any rate, at least now I'm not too tired to write, so there's that.  :)  Now, if you will excuse me, I've got to drag myself across the room and find a place to curl up and sleep for a couple of hours.