A WEIGHTY ISSUE

So here's the thing...and it's not a thing I think I'd normally talk about, but I'm nervous and talking about it helps a bit.

In December, I am going to have surgery! Don't worry, I'm not sick or anything! This is a completely elective sort of thing that I've been considering for almost a year. What kind of surgery is this, you may ask? 

I am going to have a vertical gastric sleeve surgery. It's a weight loss surgery. A doctor is going to poke some holes in my abdomen, remove part of my stomach, and then sew it all back up! This will limit the amount of food I can eat and, therefore, aid in weight loss. I have to make permanent changes in my eating habits after this surgery and take vitamin supplements and a myriad of other things, but ultimately, if I do it all right, I will lose weight and get healthier! Fingers crossed!

Look, y'all, I'm going to be just as blunt as I can be. I'm very overweight. Almost 100 pounds overweight, according to the BMI chart. That is not only unfortunate, ugly, and embarrassing, it is dangerous. I've tried all manner of things to lose it in the past, and for the most part I've had spells of being successful. I've been able to lose about 40 pounds at a time, three times, before gaining it back. Of course, the first two times I tried to lose weight, I had the help of pharmaceutical grade amphetamines (not great for the heart or anxiety issues) and the third time I was in a medically controlled fasting weight loss program that I hated so much that I was in a state of hungry misery for 6 months and that particular program was apparently my body's last straw. I was only able to maintain that weight loss for about 7 months before I ended up gaining twice the weight I lost. For the past three years, I've been steadily gaining weight, hating the way I look, not wanting to go out in public, being embarrassed every time I see a photo of myself, noticing a distinct strain on my joints and nerves, and not being able to find clothes that fit. Also, I'm beginning to worry about my heath in general. As of my last check-up, I'm still in general good health, but borderline on some of the things that will cause very bad health down the line if I don't do something drastic. Surgery was not my first choice to fix these problems, but it has become the choice I'm making for myself because I'm not sure what else to do.

You're probably thinking to yourself, why TF are you going to have surgery for something like that? Can't you just get out and run and eat less and go to the gym like a normal person? Well, apparently not. Or at least, not in a way that is helpful. I've mentioned before that I have spine problems. My bones are wearing down. I don't think that has anything to do with my weight (I mean, it might, but I don't think so) but it hurts, you guys. It hurts all the time. When I work out, in any way, it gets worse. I can't lift weights, I can't run, and even walking long distances or being on a stationary bike makes me hurt so badly that it causes nerve pain that almost drives me crazy. I know that I'll have to exercise after having this surgery, but I'm hoping that when I don't weigh so much, maybe my back won't hurt as bad. As for the eating less? I'm an emotional binge eater. I always have been. I use food as a crutch. It was hard to come to that conclusion, but I sometimes don't have any conscious control over myself when I eat. I hate that about myself, but as I've gotten older, I've been able to control it less. If I physically control what I can have and the amount of it I can have at a time, then hopefully that will help.

I might still have not decided to go this route, but my coworker had it and has had great results. Granted, it hasn't always been smooth sailing, but big life changes usually aren't easy. Before I committed to the surgery, I tried once more to lose it on my own, but I only gained more weight. So I talked to my doctor and this is where I landed.

Is this surgery foolproof? No. If I'm not careful, I could end up right back where I am right now. The surgery is just a tool to help me. I have to be more careful than ever to make sure I eat better and exercise more, but I'll have a better chance of succeeding with this surgery. I need something drastic to kick me in the butt and make me take control of things, which I hope this will do.

Am I scared? As fuck. Weirdly, I'm not afraid of the surgery, or even the life changes afterward. What I'm scared of is the complications that can happen. Any surgery can have complications, as you know, and for some reason I keep scaring myself by thinking of the absolute worst outcomes. During the day, it all seems silly, but at night, I'll scare myself to death thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Obviously, that is normal, but the fact that I'm so nervous makes it all worse somehow. Also, I'm (and this is the really crazy thing) scared that I'm going to chicken out of this. I desperately don't want to do that. As I said, I didn't come to this decision lightly or uninformed. I'm choosing to do this. So why am I so scared that I'm going to back out? It doesn't make sense. It seems normal to worry that I'll die, but it seems weird to be worried that I won't go through with it at all. I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

So that is what is going on with me. I'd appreciate any good vibes or prayers or whatever you could send my way. I'm ready to do something to help myself. The surgery sounds worse than it actually is, as far as I know, and the doctor I'm going to is supposed to be one of the best in the state. Just keep your fingers crossed for me, please!