WELL, THAT SUCKED!

 Let me preface what I'm about to say with I'm sorry if this sounds like whining. That is not my intention at all. I just want to write about an experience I had over the weekend that freaked me out a bit so that I can hopefully stop thinking about it!  It's more of a therapeutic writing down of things, if you will. It's harshing my chill.

Over the weekend, Steve was gone to visit some family. I was alone, which I have never minded being. These days, especially with, (*gestures widely at the world*) all of this that's going on, I rarely get time by myself and it's nice to do my own dos and think my own thinks. No offense to Steve, but, yeah.

So Friday was fine. Friday was great. Friday was all the things that a Friday should be and more. I stayed up fairly late so Friday wouldn't be over so fast, you know how those things go. So when I finally went to sleep, I was 100% fine. That is important to know.

I woke up exactly two hours later in a blind, complete, irrational panic. You know that feeling you get when someone jumps out at you and you scream and jump back? Imagine that, but that feeling doesn't stop. I sat up in bed, mostly asleep, and every fiber in my body is on edge telling me that something was very, very wrong. It felt like electricity was running through my body and my first clear thought was that I couldn't breathe. I sat on the edge of the bed gasping and clawing at my throat, only to only finally realize that I was breathing just fine. That didn't help, though, so I ran through the house to the bathroom and threw some cold water on myself (because that sometimes works to shock me out of an anxiety attack) but it just made it all worse. I managed to grab one of my anti-anxiety pills out of the cabinet and tossed it back, but I knew that it would take about 1/2 an hour before it would take effect.

I ran back and got into bed, with waves and waves of panic running through me. I lay there and tried to rationally figure out what was wrong, which is another thing that sometimes helps pull me out of an attack, but my brain wouldn't cooperate. I kept thinking "I'm here alone and something is wrong. I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!" Every one of my muscles were locked up and I was shaking. It was awful. I thought about calling my mom, but I knew she would be afraid because I couldn't tell her what exactly was going on, and if she decided to drive across town (which she absolutely would) she might not be careful. I finally called Steve, even though he was hours away, because what I mainly needed was someone to talk to to keep me from feeling so alone. I hated to do it, because I knew he'd be asleep and he might get mad, but thankfully he didn't. I lay there in bed, shaking, talking to him, trying to explain what was going on, but finally just talking about anything while trying to unlock my brain from whatever was going on. He talked me into taking another of the pills, which I did - chewing it up this time to make it work faster - and after about 15 minutes, I calmed down enough to get off of the phone. It was terrifying, and I have no idea what the trigger was that caused it.  I've had one anxiety attack similar to it before, years ago, and I wound up in an emergency room because the doctor thought I was having a heart attack. This one was arguably worse. I finally managed to fall asleep again after about an hour when the meds kicked in.

I ended up sleeping until after noon, because the medicine does that to me. When I woke up, I felt like I'd been in some kind of accident. I hurt all over, and I still had remnants of the shakes. I couldn't eat, I couldn't work on the graphics stuff I needed to do, and I couldn't even take a shower. I sat in my chair and watched mindless TV until I could function like a human being again. My mom called and I told her what had happened, and I was right not to call her, I think. She would have come right away, but not in a good frame of mind. She invited me to come and stay with them, but I told her no. I had to be at church the next day, and I didn't want to admit I was too shaky to drive. I ended up taking another anti anxiety pill and calming down enough to eat and get out of the chair for a while, but I was completely drained. I was ok after that, but I made sure to have my medicine in the bedroom with me and a phone in my hand when I went to sleep, in case it happened again. Thankfully, it didn't.

Hand to God, I don't know what triggered such an awful attack. I don't sleep much anyway, so it wasn't going to bed late. I was in a great frame of mind when I was falling asleep, and I don't remember any nightmares. The main thing I remember when waking up was that something just felt wrong. Once I realized I could breathe, my main issue was that I was afraid that I'd have to call someone to come and help me, and I kept thinking "I don't want to go to the hospital again, I don't want to go to the hospital again."  I don't know why I kept thinking that, because I couldn't pinpoint anything that would make me have to go to the hospital. It was very, very weird.  Thankfully by Sunday morning, I felt more myself. I made it to church and was ok by the time Steve came home.  I still don't know what happened.

I do have one theory, and it may be very stupid, but it's the only one I have.

As I have mentioned before, I have degenerative disk disease and that causes constant, relentless back pain. It isn't debilitating, thankfully, but it keeps me from doing a lot of physical activities because one wrong move and my arms go numb and my spine sends signals to my shoulder and rib cage telling me that I could be dying. I already have a phobia of sudden heart attacks because that is how my dad died and apparently I was traumatized by that, so when my arms go numb and my chest hurts, well, that's just where my brain goes. It sucks donkey balls, because even when I can rationally think "that is not how a heart attack works" the lizard part of my brain says "Well, yeah, but what if you're wrong this time?" Also, the nerve shocks that I get through my back feel exactly the same as when I get startled. You know that creepy feeling like someone is looking at you from behind? It's like that, so I have a constant feeling of being stalked, which just adds on to the scary feeling. I think maybe I slept weird and pinched a nerve that set off a bunch of pain that my body didn't know how to handle all at once. I put an ice pack on my back, and it helped me calm down, so maybe it's all just nerve impulses that are triggering a fear response. It's all very stupid, I can say that with authority.

Oh, but the best part? Since then, it's like I have PTSD and anytime I've been alone (which even goes to being alone in a room) I start having mini panic attacks. I had a panic attack so massive that being by myself now scares me. It's so much fun. I can't live like that, though, because Steve has to travel for work and I sometimes have to be in room by myself, and I am a grown ass woman who shouldn't have to have a babysitter. I can't be afraid all of the time. That is not how I want to live my life.

SIGH. I'm hoping this goes away very soon, because I have a life to live and fun stuff to do in it. If there is one part of this that I can appreciate, it's that I am trying to fight against it instead of submitting to it. I cannot stress enough about how stupid I feel this all is. It makes me MAD. I hope I can get the source of whatever is causing this corrected.

So (for those of you still here reading this) I'm asking you to pray or send good vibes, or whatever you might do, that I can get this weird situation under control. I don't have time for this!!

STILL ALIVE

Yep. Still here.

If you thought you could get rid of me that easily, you were wrong! HAHAHA! SUCK IT!

Hehehe, sorry. That is just my way of saying that as of this writing, I'm still here! Yay! If you're reading this, it means your still here too! I'm so glad!!!

Today I'm waiting for a meeting I'm having with my not-church boss to discuss not-church business. It's very exciting.

Currently, I can hear Steve doing one of his Very Important Meetings (the kind he'd usually go out of town for, but is doing remotely) through the wall. His business voice is very soporific. If I fall asleep and miss my own meeting, it will be his fault for not having vocal inflections.

So, what else is going on...

OH!  Ok, the last time I wrote I told you about the lawn man weed eating my potato plants! Turns out, they are ok! He cut off the big part of the plant, but it started sprouting again, so it's all good! I'm honestly surprised, but maybe the potato gods took pity on me or something!  Last week I posted a video about it on IG (and accidentally cross posted it to Facebook) and as it turns out, people thought I was crying in that video. I wasn't crying, I was mad! I went back and listened, and it did sound like I was crying. That's embarrassing. No wonder no one ever takes me seriously when I'm angry! This is why I throw things. Heehee!

I've gained an impressive amount of weight in just one month, which is fun. I blame emotional eating. That's pretty much how I deal with stress, which is not good, but I seem to have no control over it. Don't roll your eyes at me. If that's not how you deal, that sounds stupid, but it's how my brain is wired. Eating and sleeping to deal with stress is how my brain works. It's like being addicted to something. I hate it. If I had my druthers, I'd be one of those people who think "Hey, I'm going to go run 10 miles, or bike 50 miles, or lift 400 pounds! That sounds like fun!" but I'm not that person. One day I'll figure out how my body works so I can fix it, I hope. You know, that awful diet we did a couple of years ago was supposed to train me out of that kind of thing, but I genuinely think it only made things worse. It's easy to lose weight when you're systematically starving yourself (and let's be frank, that's what we were doing, albeit with medical supervision) but all it did was make my emotional food dependance worse once I was off of it. What a fucking waste of money and time. I'll just have to deal with the self loathing until I figure something out. Oh well, at least no one who might care has to look at me.

Tangentially related, we have been going on hikes about once a week since all of this started. I think I mentioned that before. I've really enjoyed it, except for last weeks trail. It was muddy and incredibly rocky, like we were walking down a dry riverbed. Halfway, my ankles were screaming at me. It was also mostly downhill, which sounds nice, but when you're trying not to fall on a bunch of smallish, but pointy, rocks, gravity is not your friend. It was easier walking back up that trail, if you can believe it. I like climbing on rocks, but not for an entire 4 or 5 miles.  We did get to see a big well that had been drilled in the mountain back in the day when people lived out there, so that was neat. We threw rocks in it! We plan on going to a much better maintained trail next time. It wasn't all bad, though! It was a beautiful walk. The trees were gorgeous and the wildflowers were blooming. There were streams and big, rocky bluffs. It's easy to forget out beautiful Alabama can be (even though a reminder is literally our state motto!) when you take it for granted, but I'm trying not to do that these days. With the development going on around here, you never know when the pretty stuff will get paved over!

Geez, this post sounds depressing and full of complaints! I'm sorry, that wasn't my intent. I'm fine, really. I hope you are too!

IS THIS STILL GOING ON?

Hello out there!

I'd love to talk about anything but quarantine, I genuinely would, but that is kind of all that is going on right now.

OK, full disclosure, I'm not always stuck at home. Turns out, I am considered essential. Like, the state of Alabama says that church workers are essential, so I'm still going into church. We've suspended pretty much everything we do with a few exceptions, so I'm focused on making sure the bills are paid, the staff is paid, and that we can publish two video sermons a week.  It's all very exciting, I can assure you! Hehe. The pastor has even started letting us do some funny stuff for the videos.  Oooh, and we ordered a green screen so we could set up a makeshift studio-esque area in one of the unused rooms. That should be interesting! But I'm going between church and home and that's mostly it. We have gone to the grocery store when we run out of milk and bread. OH! I also get to go to the mailbox!

Not very different from my everyday life, now that I think of it! Haha!

I've been painting and reading a lot. My watercolor attempts are a mixture of sad and not bad, but it's still relaxing and fun.  Steve has discovered the John Prine musical catalog, so we've been listening to that, and he plays video games at night.

I have begin to miss other people! I mean, I'm not a social butterfly in the best of times, but we did talk to other, non-work people occasionally. I have been requesting proof-of-life from Anthony every week to make sure he's still sane. I can really see him embracing the hermit way of life, but maybe it's just because he has the beard for it.  I stopped by my mom's on the way back from Athens the other day. Do you know how weird it is for me to visit my mom and not hug her?  She would have risked it, but I'm not taking any chances. I like my mom a great deal and I'm not going to possibly kill her if I can help it.  That's my usual philosophy, really.

How are you handling social distancing? I've seen on Facebook and Twitter that some of the cool kids have get togethers on Zoom/Hangout programs with their friends. I think that's neat. I don't really know enough people who know each other for that. Boo. The closest I've gotten was when a cousin of mine accidentally butt dialed some people who were in a group text, so I got to talk to my uncle for a second before it was over. Butt dials are always funny, though! I'm still emailing and messaging when I can, though!

But hey, we're doing the best we can in a very weird situation, and hopefully we'll come out on the other side and resume our lives and get things back to normal soon! I hope you're treating yourself well!

I Hug You!

Last night I stayed up late to sew myself a plague mask to wear at my best friend's funeral.

(Let's all take a moment to focus on that sentence, which in a sane world, would either be the opening line of a bad Gothic novel, or part of an overwrought MySpace entry from an emo kid trying too hard to be dark.)

Ok, ok, so a plague mask really isn't what it is, but nonetheless, that is what I spent last night doing before I went to bed. I'd actually cleaned out my fabric stash a while ago, but I found something appropriate. Nothing with unicorns or Star Trek insignia on it, at least. I had to make it by hand, because for the life of me, I've never been able to figure out my sewing machine. It wasn't great, and probably wouldn't need to be used, oh, and I had to hot glue part of it together, but desperate times and all of that, ya know?

This morning, as I was getting dressed to go, I kept wondering to myself what Sara would think of all of this. I can almost see her making that scrunched up face she always made when she thought something was funny. I kept hoping what I picked to wear she would have liked. I think so, but with her you never could tell. We didn't have the same taste in clothes.

I didn't order any flowers, so I went out and cut some of the tulips that grow by the mailbox. Only three of them were nice enough to take, but I think she'd like them. They were bright and showy, kind of like her.

It took a long time to drive to the cemetery, because one of the main roads into Athens had been closed, but I finally figured out where I was from old, hazy memories of driving around there back in the day and found the place. There were maybe 12 people there, only two of us were her friends. Funerals are really for the living, after all, and her dad needed the support.

From beginning to end, the service lasted about 15 minutes, and no offense to her father or the pastor, but I'm not sure it was her style. Hehe. She wasn't religious at all, so I knew she would have rolled her eyes at the bible reading. The preacher didn't know her at all, so he kept stumbling over everything he said. She would have liked what her sister said, though, but everything else she would have shaken her head at. I don't mean that to be cruel in any way, but I knew her so well. All I could think of was her standing off to the side with her arms crossed saying "I can't believe she wore that! That guy got my name wrong! Holy shit! What is this?!" I almost cracked up at the thought and literally had to hide a smile.  That wouldn't have done under the circumstances.  She was cremated, so there was only one little hole in the ground for us to stand around. It didn't seem like enough, somehow.

My flowers were the only ones there.

I also ended up giving her sister my mask to use at her job. At least the work didn't go to waste.

I wish I was eloquent, and could write something beautiful about her in the way other people can. Friends on Facebook have been so eloquent and kind, and I wish more than anything she could have known they felt those things about her. I'm not good at words, though. If I could show you my soul, you'd know what I am feeling, but I can't. So I'll just say this:

She never wore appropriate shoes. Ever. She had a great sense of style, but never a practical sense of footwear. I could have invited her hiking, and she would have shown up in a pair of wedge heels and then complained about her feet the whole time.

She was the one who made me get my eyebrows waxed before my own wedding. She wouldn't let me get married looking like Frida Kahlo. She was also the only bridesmaid I had that took me out before I got married. She took me to a dive bar where they thought we were prostitutes and I wouldn't change that memory for anything.

She could be such a brat! On our trip to Florida, I was going back into the Air B&B to check to make sure we didn't forget anything and she yelled at me that she had already checked and we needed to go. We ended up leaving about $200 worth of wine behind because she didn't want to admit she hadn't checked everywhere.

She had only just figured out how to draw her eyebrows on so that they didn't look fake!

Several people have reached out to me to tell me they were sorry she had passed, and they have all said the same thing: They said she loved me. Having people love you is humbling, isn't it? No one has to love us, or even like us much, so when you know someone loves you it should change something in us. Make us better somehow. I think I am better for our friendship. I hope everyone has the kind of friends that love them and make them better.

I could sit here all day and tell you little bits about her and maybe one day I will, but I think I'll just simply say that she was my friend, and in that word there are a million stories.

I am going to miss her so much. I'm going to carry her in my heart always.

THIS IS NOTHING LIKE MY ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE NOVELS

How are you doing?  No, really, I mean it. How are you? Very well, I hope, in spite of the world going crazy these days.  I want you to be ok.

So, what have you been doing while stuck at home?

That's assuming you don't live in the south, because I don't think anyone feels like they need to be stuck at home down here. They have literally had to post police cars at the entrances to two of the parks near the church.  Of course, one of those parks is where drug dealers hang out and the other is where closeted gay men go to hook up out in nature, but along with them, the people who have kids that aren't in school right now who feel the need to still let them congregate in large groups (all while using the same dirty playground equipment) made the police a necessity.

I don't want to be too judgy, though, because I imagine people are going kind of stir crazy. You wouldn't think so, what with phones and tablets and backyards and all of that, but I think the idea that we shouldn't go out is worse than actually not going out, so people are being defiant. That won't be so great if they catch COVID-19, but hindsight will be our luxury by then.

I feel sorry for Steve, because he never stays home this much. Ever. When he is home, he's usually settled in, doing his thing, but during a normal week, he's either at work, or at band practice, or at some cyber security professional organization board meeting (he's on several boards) or traveling on business. It didn't occur to me how much he wasn't home until he was!

As for myself, I'm ok. I usually have quite a bit of time to myself, so it's been an adjustment!  I have gone outside more in the past couple of weeks during the spring than I have in years.  No idea why, except that I am appreciating the nice weather more than I ever have. Usually I have to avoid the spring because of my terrible allergies, but maybe I'm feeling the pressure of being cooped up as well. If I want to be inside, that's were I'll be. Now that I SHOULD be inside, well, I'm being a brat about it, allergies be damned! Hehe. I got two hammocks for my birthday that finally arrived a few days ago, and we have been laying out in them (weather permitting) as much as we can.
We've also done some trail walking, but I haven't decided if we're being stupid by doing that or not. We aren't hanging out with other people and we are distancing ourselves as much as possible, but it's impossible to avoid people all of the time. It's even worse if we tried to walk in our neighborhood, because the sidewalks are kind of crowded.

One of the things that sucks about all of this is having to plan the Just-In-Cases. Say, if I get this stuff, not much will change if I shuffle off the mortal coil, except that the next lady in line for my job (she's literally next in line, already decided on) will step in. Someone else will need to post funny memes on Facebook, and Steve and my mom will probably be sad. I did tell him to wait until I was completely gone before he found another wife or girlfriend, and she is, in no uncertain terms, not allowed to live in my house. If Steve gets it and goes, I'll have to sell the house and cars and get access to accounts and figure out insurance and figure out where to live and all kinds of fun things. This is the unfunny side of being a kept woman, I guess, but there we go. Now, if I could just get him to write stuff down so I'd know what to do...

As for other, less morbid, things, I am trying to learn about watercolor painting, which is a skill I'd like to have. I didn't study painting in college, although I wish I had, so I'm having to piece together information I've found online. I'm also borderline cheating, because I found sheets of watercolor paper with designs already applied in wax, so it's more like a coloring book than actually painting, but I think it will at least allow me to learn some techniques without being a huge waste of supplies in the end. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll be able to paint an actual picture of my own one day! I've also ordered a massive paint-by-numbers kit because I liked the image. I feel my art degree cringing at these elementary attempts at creating, but unless someone wants to hire me for a massive graphic design job, or buy me print shop equipment, I'll do what I can. I still have my beads and yarn as well, but I'm trying to learn some new stuff while I have the time. And I have the time right now, friends.

Speaking of friends, I've been trying to keep in contact with people as much as possible, but it isn't easy. I have weird anxiety about bothering people. I don't know why. So me reaching out to anyone without prompting takes a superhuman amount of effort. Some of the messages get answered, but some messages I send feel more like I'm putting them in bottles and throwing them in the ocean rather than typing a DM, but I completely understand that everyone has things going on right now and they are trying to figure out how to deal with work and life in captivity, but I have faith that one day I'll get replies. Haha!

I had to go to the grocery store a couple of days ago and it was just too damn weird. I stopped at Target after work (with my own baggy of Clorox wipes to clean the buggy myself, thank you) and it was like a scene out of some kind of post apocalyptic movie. There were people there, although we all gave each other wide berths when we walked by each other, and one was wearing a quite frightening black mask over most of her face. Others just looked kind of shell shocked. There were so many empty shelves, and I can't decide if people are still panic buying things, or if the supply chain still hasn't caught up. There didn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for the things that were missing, but maybe I just don't understand the diets of people stuck at home. I mean, the ice cream was untouched, but the flour was almost completely gone. Weirdness. I'm so glad that we are still getting our meal subscription boxes once a week because it brings us fresh stuff, but I'm wondering if we shouldn't donate some of that to other people. We're more fortunate than others and it feels selfish to keep it all for us.

Apparently I am an essential worker at church. I am solely responsible for making sure that the church services keep on getting out to our members and it is a tiny bit stressful. It's probably shouldn't be, but people who aren't really involved in how we do things get ideas. We all know how welcome ideas can be when the people with the ideas don't know what they're talking about, but hey, we are trying to keep people happy, right?  It's funny that my iPhone has become an ad hoc studio. We record the sermons, the music, and I edit most of it directly on the phone. The only thing I can't do is add the opening graphics and things on it, so I have to bring it home and use my editing software to do that, then I have to move it to a thumb drive and take it back to church so we can made DVDs for our older members who don't use the internet. I accidentally lost one of the videos I had uploaded last week, which sent me into a weeping, panicked spiral of trying to figure out what to do, until I remembered I'd saved a copy somewhere else. I don't think I'm cut out for this kind of responsibility! But I'm getting it done, which is the important thing, and I think it will be a good bridge to build until our members are able to come back!  Want to know something hilarious? More people watch the videos than ever show up for church. Hehe! Maybe he'll want us to go full digital after this!

I'm trying not to let being essential go to my head, you know. ;) I don't think I've ever been essential before in my life!  Most of the time, I feel I'm like one of those NPC in games that just walk around in the background filling in space until someone talks to them. Then they come to life and do stuff!  How will I ever go back to being non-essential? It will be a challenge.

So that's me for now. I hope you stay sane and happy, whoever you are.

*rolls this up, stuffs it in a bottle, and throws it into the ocean* BLOOP!

SARA

Tonight I lost my best friend.

She died at 9:47, surrounded by strangers, in a hospital in Tennessee.

No one could be with her. The quarantine rules for hospitals didn't allow any visitors, not even her father.  She died from complications from an organ transplant she had 15 years ago.

We had been friends since the 7th grade.

She knew me better than anyone else alive. She was my secret keeper. She knew everything.

She was smart. She was a nurse. She was funny and mean and so soft hearted.

She was my best friend.

I thought there was more time.

I wanted to sit and write about her in the way she deserves to be remembered, but I can't think of the right things to say right now.  One day I hope I can do it.