What Now

TIME TO LET GO

Don't you just love the feeling you get when you decide you have to make a change in your life, and you become determined to do it? I do. Over the course of this weekend I took a deep look at some things in my life, and I've become determined to - clean out my inner closet - so to speak. It's was kind of a scary thought at first, but the more I've thought about it and prayed about it, it has sort of become a relief as well.

I used to pride myself on never staying mad at anyone for a long time. In fact, I had a few people tell me that it was hard to stay mad at me because I could come in the next day and act as if nothing had happened at all. Of course, they thought that was weird, but to me, nothing had ever been bad enough to harbor inside. Of course, while not keeping bad feelings inside, I would keep hurt inside. I'd hold on to that with both hands like a Little Debbie cake at a Lane Bryant fashion show. I suppose it all came down to not wanting anyone to see that part of me, because people came to me to feel better, and I didn't want them to think I was weak. So since I was about 14 years old, I've held all kinds of personal hurt inside. After letting that get to me for a while, I started holding other things inside. Every time someone hurt me, it was like I wrote it down and read it every day. Basically, I was being very pathetically self indulgent. At any rate, I never really thought about it much. It was a part of my life, and a part I let fester a little more every day. Whenever I thought about any of it, I just got a little more hurt or mad instead of letting it fade. I didn't let time heal any of those wounds.

Well, this past week, it hit me how dumb I have been. I've let people I haven't seen in years, who haven't done things to me in years, eat away at me a little at a time. It all began when I found out a girl whom I'd been best friends with from Jr. high to high school, although we hadn't been close for the past couple of years, got married and I wasn't invited. In fact, when I had seen her a couple of months ago and she told me she was engaged, she acted like she really didn't want to give me any details about her wedding at all. I don't know why I let that bother me, since like I said, we haven't been close lately, but I did. It took a conversation with a very smart person to get me to see it all in the right perspective, and realize that people move on. It was then that I realized that I wasn't moving on at all. In fact, it seemed like I was dwelling more on the past these days than thinking about the present. How embarrassing! When this realization sunk in I just stopped everything and prayed that I would be able to just let go. I want to let go of all the hurt and bad feelings that I've been holding on to all of this time and I don't ever want to see it again. I want to be able to forgive all of the people who have hurt me or made me angry. I also realized that I needed to do what God told us to do and pray for those who hurt you or despitefully use you. It's hard to feel animosity towards someone you're praying for, I've come to realize. So far, so good, although it's only been a few days, but I'm hoping that eventually I can hear these names or see these people and not think bad thoughts.

I didn't tell you this to get a pat on the back or to make you think I'm such a GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD person, 'cause quite frankly that's not true. What I want from you is for you to pray for me so that I don't fall back into that rediculous way of thinking and living. I really don't want to be that way again, and I can't do it on my own.