What Now

CRIPPLING MOMENT OF SELF DOUBT?

Yes, please. Hey, just for funzies, how about two?

SIGH, I've had the worst mental week ever. It started on Sunday with a minor irritation, and has swiftly rolled downhill from there. Of course, I'm wondering how I can go from worrying about gaining a little weight to the ever popular "I'll-never-amount-to-anything-and-I'll-die-alone-and-no-one-will-care-until-they-notice-the-smell" kind of thoughts.
Hmmmm, let's consult the timeline:

Sunday: Realized I gained five -FIVE- pounds in a weeks time. Lovely.

Monday: Web registration wouldn't work. We waited up until after midnight to get the classes we needed, but no matter what we did, it wouldn't let us in. So there was stress about that. Steve's truck quit, so I had to pick him up, making me late for a mid-term (which I freaked out about) that didn't even take me 20 minutes to complete, therefore I freaked out about nothing. --we did eventually get registered, so no worries there.

Tuesday: My graphics teacher all but said that I was untalented and didn't know what I was doing. So I just get up and leave. I'm sitting out back, elbow deep in a bag of chex mix (because if this was turning out to be a comfort food week, I was jumping all over that) wondering if I was doing the right thing by majoring in Graphic Design, wondering if I was going to be able to find a job even if I DID ever manage to graduate, wondering what was going to happen if I am as bad as my teacher is implying, and just plain wondering what was going to happen to me. We didn't have much to do in the print studio that night, so I went home early, once again ate more than my fair share of comfort food and then couldn't sleep. So I watched the election coverage, and for a while there, I thought Kerry was going to win. That right there would have pushed me over the edge.

Wednesday: Nothing specific happened, but I suppose all of the negativity starting off the week had taken it's toll on me. I just got this horrible feeling that my life is not going to turn out anything like I want it to. I'm afraid that by the time I'm able to graduate, my bachelors isn't going to be worth the paper it's printed on. I'm going to be working in a job I hate, if I can get hired anywhere to begin with, watching people not even half as talented as I am getting promoted over my head by bosses like my teacher. I'm going to end up fat and unhealthy (because, let's face it, I can't keep eating everything around me whenever I have a bad day!) and no matter what I do, I'm always going to be awkward and socially weird. I'm going to end up getting pregnant (my worst nightmare. Oh, and thanks to everyone who keeps freaking asking when we're going to have kids. I JUST LOVE HAVING THAT CONVERSATION BY THE WAY! PLEASE, ASK ME AGAIN! I LOVE TO SEE THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACES WHEN I TELL YOU THAT KIDS ARE THE LAST THING I WANT RIGHT NOW! NO, REALLY, IT'S NOT AWKWARD AT ALL!!!) and having to put everything I've ever wanted to do on hold while I watch myself get so wrapped up in PTA and soccer practice that I forget who I was in the first place. Steve's going to die and leave me alone and I'll just have cats and dogs with me until the day I fall over dead and the abandoned animals have to eat me to survive. Yeah, Wednesday was fun.

Thursday: Today hasn't been as bad as yesterday, but as you can see, I'm actually venting today. I am, however, the only person who showed up for work today. The only bright spot in that, is that I have an excuse to miss my graphics class. SIGH.

I wish I'd taken the blue pill and stayed in the Matrix.