What Now

2006: A "What Now" Retrospective.

If I were a chicka of few words, I could sum up my thoughts on 2006 in three words:


This Year Sucked.


However, I am not a chicka of few words PLUS I'm sure several of you are probably saying to yourselves, "Wha? She's kidding, right? This year has been so great I've been puking rainbows each month!" Well, for some of you, that may be true. For me, not so much.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me and tell me to get over it, let me just say this: Yes, I know it could be worse. It's not as bad as it could get, and I understand that clearly. In fact, I know even through all of the suckage, that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. So please spare me the lectures on that, because you know what? I already know. You know what else? My year still sucked.

So why did my year suck?

This year I had to deal with the deaths of two very special people in my life. I was actually there when one of them died, and I found out that death isn't peaceful, it isn't beautiful, and no matter how much better off they may be, it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye.

I've had to watch people I love dearly suffer, and there was nothing I could do to make things better. For someone who always wants to make things better, that is a jagged pill to swallow. Sometimes you just can't do anything, and that kind of helplessness is painful. I've also learned that being the person who always wants to make things better, sometimes makes people think that you don't need help yourself. They think you will be okay, so they don't ask you how you are, or offer sympathy, or give you a shoulder to cry on. Let me be the one to say, that isn't true. Even the most cheerful seeming person still hurts.

I've found out that no matter how much you love someone and do things to make them happy, sometimes they take and never give back. They look at you like you're a vending machine and all they have to do is push a button to get what they want. They never think about who's going to restock it once it's empty.

I've learned that sometimes you have to smile, even when someone is hurting you, because if they find out that you feel anything other than perfect contentment, they will drop you like a hot rock. I've also learned that even though you know this about them, you do it willingly because they are still important to you. In a way, that makes it worse.

I've found out that sometimes I hurt people and don't even realize it. Having an opinion and telling it isn't always the best way to handle a situation.

Sometimes your own brain can confuse you to the point where you think your going crazy.
Sometimes you don't know how to tell people how you feel.
Sometimes people just don't care how you feel, even when they tell you they do, even when they convince themselves that they do. Actions will always speak louder than words.

Sometimes people forget you. Replace you. Don't need you anymore. Ignore you. Sometimes you become invisible, no matter how hard you try not to.

My doctor wouldn't listen to me when I told him I thought something was wrong. I almost drove my car into the side of a building...so I got a second opinion. Three months later I was put on medicine to correct a chemical imbalance that had me convinced that no one would miss me if I were to die.

I've known these things before, but I hadn't had to deal with them all at once until this year. So yeah, my year sucked.

However, there were some good things. Don't get me wrong, every single day wasn't utter crap. In fact, there were periods of time where I was actually happy.

I know this isn't my usual happy-go-lucky kind of post, and I'm sorry. However, I just wanted to vent.

Here's hoping 2007 is better, for me anyway! For all of you who've been puking rainbows, may your year be even better.

Cheers.