A STRANGE HAUNTING

When I was getting ready to go into the hospital, I asked the nurse at the surgeon's office what kinds of things I would need to wear on the day of my surgery. Granted, I knew I would eventually be wearing a hospital gown, but they told me I'd need to wear something loose and comfortable so that my sutures wouldn't be irritated when I left the hospital. However, one of the things I was particularly curious about was underpants.

Now, I don't know if every surgery requires you to get completely naked under the hospital gown, but I didn't want to go commando into the operating room if I didn't have to. Those places are cold! The nurse said that I would need to get 100% cotton underpants, because if I were wearing anything synthetic, the equipment they use during the surgery might melt them onto my skin. At least I think that was what she was saying, because they use electrical currents and things, and possibly because I'd be hooked up to specific equipment, that synthetic fibers would react badly to that? Don't quote me on that, but that is how I understood the reason why I had to go and get cotton underpants before the surgery. 

So I went to Target and found the packages of sensible, cotton underpants. You'd be surprised how much underwear isn't completely cotton these days, so I didn't have a wide selection. Instead of anything cute, all I could find were legit granny panties. It was all big, voluminous, and spacious. However, I thought to myself, what's the big deal? I'm wearing them to the hospital, not out on a date with Chris Hemsworth, right? (Pfft, like I'd wear underwear on a date with him!) So, I grabbed a package and went on my way.

My first mistake was buying the wrong size.  I overestimated. There is a size chart on the back, but I didn't know my measurements. I'd been too ashamed to measure myself for anything for a long time, and it didn't occur to me to do so to buy underpants, so the package I got was a size too big. They were the most granny-ish of granny panties I'd ever seen. They were more like bloomers from Little House on the Prairie or something. They were the kind of underwear you wear if you plan to shoplift and need a place to hide things. Again, though, I figured that it wouldn't matter because I'd be wearing them during surgery and it might be more comfortable if they were roomy. I did wash them before wearing them, just to shrink them down a tad (for not-falling-off purposes) but they didn't shrink much, if at all. And because you can't just go and buy one pair of underpants in a regular store (unless they are the slinky, cute kind) I had not one, but five pairs of these monster underwear now loose in my laundry.

Ultimately, I didn't even need the underwear, because they gave me those weird mesh ones that I talked about before, so the giant granny pants were pretty much going to go unused. I had the one pair I'd taken to the hospital, but the others were just loose, and I keep coming across them at weird times. It's like I'm being haunted or something! I'll turn over a basket of laundry and BAM! giant pink underpants end up tangled with something I'm looking for. I'll reach for a pair of socks, and a ghostly pair of white granny panties will be right next to what I'm looking for. I don't even know how they all got to different places in the house, but I can't seem to get rid of them! I swear, I think they're multiplying. Soon, every time I open a cupboard or unscrew a jar of peanut butter, there will be underwear inside waiting to tangle itself around my hands. They are following me! They are mad that I didn't wear them more, I think. When I bought them I didn't know I was making a lifelong commitment!

So, I'm just throwing it out here, in case any of you have a solution. How do I end an underpants haunting? I'll take any and all suggestions. Thank you for your time!