BROKEN

I fucked up.

I fucked up and ultimately destroyed one of the oldest, most important, precious to me, dear relationships I have ever had and I can't do anything about it. 

I'm not going to elaborate. I don't really even understand all the details. Suffice it to say that something that seemed fun, silly, and harmless wasn't. I should have been smarter, but ultimately I didn't want to be. I hate myself for it. Losing my friend was the one damn thing I didn't want to happen. I tried to explain but I don't think my message made it to the right place.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, my heart is genuinely broken. I don't want to eat, I can't think straight, my body physically hurts, and I forget to breathe. I feel the same way as I did when my father died. If I had my way, I'd sleep until it didn't hurt anymore. I know one day I won't feel like this, and somehow that's worse, because it'll be like it didn't really matter at all, and it does. I feel like I've lost part of myself.

Everyone else involved will be fine. I have no doubt. They always are. I doubt anything truly bad ever happens to them these days. They're too perfect. That's a good thing, though.

My only hope is, at this point, that maybe it won't have to be forever, but it'll be a long time.

You might think I'm over reacting. If so, then you probably don't know me or my heart very well.

That's all I've got to say about that.