RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING - Yeah, I've got Blogging ADD

1) Saw the season opener of "The Office" last night and loved it. However, I feel like kind of a huge nerd for being excited that Jim and Pam finally got engaged. Hey, I can live vicariously through fake people's joy, can't I?

2) I got a honey-wheat bagel for breakfast this morning, which was sweet and yummy for the most part. Halfway through, I took a bite from a spot that apparently had been bumped up against a garlic bagel because it went from sweet to OMG, Keeping-Vampires-Away! It hit before I noticed, so I had a bite of strong garlic and grape jelly. I don't recommend that combination. Bleck.

3) Today is my last day of work before my annual lay-off. I'll only be off a week instead of two, but I don't mind. Maybe I'll go on a trip or something, who knows? I kind of wish I didn't have to be anywhere around here next week, because Wednesday will mark the one year anniversary of the day my dad died and the beginning of a whole year of complete, fucking sucktitude. I know that sounds overly dramatic to some of you, but alas, it's the truth. When the one day of the year that was actually good was my birthday (and you know how my birthdays usually go) then that should be proof enough for you. I want the good things in my life back. I miss them.

Somehow, this only makes me want him more.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) It's official. I'm addicted to Iron Chef. Ever since I found out I can watch the original Japanese version on YouTube, it's all I seem to do when I have the time. I like the American version of the show a lot, but there is something about Chairman Kaga that makes me smile. I also like the fact that they dub the voices with people who sound like they are commentating for Monday Night Football. Good stuff.

2) I didn't go to the gym this morning because I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I woke up, I argued with myself, I shamed myself and I still didn't go. That is not a good way to deal with exercise. Too bad I can't just do it in my sleep.

3) I fell down in the kitchen last night while on my way to throw something away. My big toe got caught in my pajama pants cuff and I just went over. Hard. I skinned my wrist and banged my elbow on my left side, and I have bruises on my right knee. I just kind of lay in the floor for a while in a daze. Such is my life lately, I suppose.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I need to get gas, badly. I meant to get some last Monday when I was off from work, but I was too tried after my morning of doctor appointments and errands. Had I known the fuel-price insanity that would begin in my town, I would have filled up the tank, the trunk and the back seat too. Now I can't find too many places that even have gas, so I'm boned. I am going to have to find a place on the way home or I'm going to get stuck somewhere.

2) Blerg, I hate fall allergies. I was out of work again last Thursday because of them and I kept dozing off anytime I got still yesterday. Right now I feel as if my muscles are on fire and my sinuses are stuffed with fiberglass insulation. Lots of fun.

3) The Sprocket is going to change it's hours this fall to save some money. They are going to be closed Mondays and Tuesdays from November 1 till some time in February. It won't change my hours, thank goodness, but customer service personnel will be changed. All I really care about is that for a few weeks, we'll be able to do repairs and put things up without having to do it in front of an audience. :)

4) I need to get to work! I've been sitting here doing nothing for long enough. Have a wonderful day, you guys.

Nothing stays the same from day to day. Good things turn into bad things and one decision changes to another with amazing speed. I want the good and happy things. Normal things. I haven't gone crazy yet, so there's that.

I know some of you must think I'm sort of an insufferable whiner or something, but this is honestly very, very hard. Hard for both of us.

Please for more prayers, if you have some to spare.

That is all.

Hi

I just wanted you guys to know I'm still alive. If you've e-mailed or called and haven't heard back from me, it's only because I've been in "Hiding Mode" lately. Please don't think I'm ignoring you or anything. Hopefully I will be more responsive soon. Thanks for checking in with me.

I hope things are well with you all.

Why am I always doing or saying just the wrong thing?

My foot, lost in Oakland, Ca. See the plight kids?

Prayers still, please.

Prayers. Please.

I'm having a very bad panic attack right now. I'm afraid and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm afraid about what I'm going to hear. I really wish everything was back to normal again.

I still have a sad, but I'm wanted to change my picture.
This is my foot in Key Largo. Well, on the side of the road in Key Largo. We were stuck in traffic.

This is my foot at the 17 Mile Drive, near Pebble Beach in California. I'd like to be back there right now, please.

I don't want to go to work today. I want to do something fun.
Here is my foot at the Grand Canyon. My feet didn't enjoy the Grand Canyon as much as the rest of me did.

Several people feel I'm being too personal with my blog entries these days, so I'll just post interesting pictures until things don't feel as personal.

This is a high speed image of a drop of milk. I like it.

Hello.

Just to let you know, things are OK right now. Once again, not good or great, but OK. I can handle OK. I just wish there were some good things to come, but I'm too scared to think too far into the future - especially when it seems like just when something decent could be happening, I get kicked in the face again. I'll just take it one day at a time at this point. If I don't, I'll go crazy.

I keep falling asleep at my desk and drafting table either because I'm not sleeping well at night or because of the anti-anxiety medication. Either way, I hope I don't wake up with an Exacto knife implanted in my face because I dozed off while holding it. Well, even if I do, scars give character, right? Look at Harry Potter....

Things keep changing every few hours, it seems, but I think I'm handling things well for right now. Thanks for coming here to check on me. I like knowing that most of you want to know how I'm doing. For the rest of you who are just being nosey...well, you're welcome here too. I'm not going to blame you for being nosey. I'd probably be nosey too if it weren't my life!

At any rate, I hope things are going well for all of you. Hopefully I'll feel like updating my blog more often, soon.

I am so confused.

Well...not much new to say. Steve didn't file on Monday because we thought it would be better for me to file myself, due to the circumstances. My appointment with the attorney is October 3rd, which is the soonest I could get a consultation with this particular lady. Well, unless Steve decides to find another place so that the documents can be filed sooner. I guess we'll just wait and see. I'm praying for God's will to be done for both of us, and peace in our hearts and minds. I ask that you all do the same thing for us, please.

Also, I need prayers that I can find a safe and affordable place to live.

I'm terribly unhappy and so is Steve. I wish none of this was happening. Pray for us.

I'm not doing so great. I know that's been the norm around here lately, but I think I'm finally at the breaking point and I don't know what to do.

I suppose you will hear it sooner or later, but Steve has decided to file for divorce. He doesn't think that we can do anything to fix things. It's not just about his infidelities anymore, but he tells me that he has been unhappy for a long time. He has been "content" but not happy. I didn't know. I feel like I should have known so that I could have done something to fix it. He told me that if I wasn't willing to have children, then he didn't want to be married to me. He doesn't like to talk to me, or look at me, and if we are going to have to be in the same house for longer than a few hours, he goes off and leaves me here alone. I've become a problem to be avoided, and I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to deserve it. He's not even doing it maliciously, which makes it even harder to understand. I'm not saying any of this to make him out as the bad guy, because I don't think he is. I've failed him in some way that I don't understand. I'm a failure at being a wife and a partner. I didn't mean to be.

I don't know if I can stand it. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not. I'm not strong at all. They don't see me on the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying because it hurts so much. I'm not strong. I'm losing everything and I don't know how to handle it. I'm so sad. Everyone keeps telling me things are going to be alright, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like someone ripping my stomach out and leaving me there to die. I have no choice in the matter. Things just keep getting worse and worse. My friends at the SpRocket won't talk to me anymore either, and I don't know why. Apparently there are some of our friends who told Steve that they thought we should have gotten divorced long ago, but I don't understand why. I was happy. I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong. I'm so stupid!

I've been getting things together and packing them away, and it hurts like someone just died. There are so many pictures of us having fun...I don't know when things changed.

I'm dying inside a little more every day. My whole life is being stolen from me. Everything I've worked for and loved is being taken and I hurt so much. I can't even begin to explain it. I didn't do anything...and now I'm losing everything that matters. I'm not strong and I'm not fine. Maybe I will be one day, but it doesn't feel like it. Things just keep getting worse. I've failed and I'm so sorry.