What Now

HOW TO MAKE A GREAT ESPRESSO

1) Grind your own coffee beans. In fact, grind them so finely that when you open the top of the grinder, you inhale a lungful of powdered coffee.

2) Spill most of the coffee in the sink while trying to get it into the tiny little coffee filter thing. You don't want to pack it too tight after all.

3) Take the time to clean up all of the coffee you spilled since you know once you've actually achieved making an espresso, you'll forget to do it.

4) Snap the little filter thingie into the machine and turn it on. Please don't fool with the milk frother thing because it will get HOT.

5) Stand around and wait until you see a thin stream of muddy looking water drain into the carafe. Get excited because apparently, this is what espresso looks like when it's being made.

6) Suddenly remember that you forgot to get a cup of milk for the steamer so that you can dilute the evil looking coffee. Grab the closest clean mug and fill it to the top.

7) Run back to the Espresso machine and try to put the mug under the steamer. Realize that the mug you picked is too tall to put under there without spilling milk everywhere.

8) Slide the working (and hot, don't forget) machine to the edge of the table it's sitting on so that you can get the mug under the steamer. Get discouraged when the steamer doesn't work.

9) Remember that the steamer won't work until you turn the steamer knob. Turn the knob.

10) Stand there screaming as the steamer causes the milk to froth into a cloud that overflows the mug, spills down the side of the espresso machine, into the mixing bowls, oven mitts, and box of Top Ramen noodles. Don't let it dawn on you until it's too late to simply move the mug out of the way to prevent this mess.

11) Squirt some chocolate into the giant latte mug you got out of the cabinets and pour in the
milk that is left in the container. Notice that the latte mug is less than half full.

12) Add the shot of espresso. Notice the mug is still less than half full.

13) Clean up the milk that foamed out of the steaming mug. This will take a while since you have to move everything in and around the table. Crawl along the floor looking for where the rag dripped on the way to the sink. Clean that up with a second rag.

14) Taste the drink which is now cold. Shudder. Decide that since you went through the trouble to make it, you'll soldier on.

15) Realize that a latte is supposed to be one part espresso/three parts milk, not the other way around.

16) Decide to get your lattes at Starbucks until you practice more on your new machine.