What Now

ASK KELLY: THE REAL WORLD GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN SITUATIONS THAT ARE CONFUSING, AWKWARD AND INFURIATING.

OK, so maybe I'm being a little pretentious by saying "I" know what the proper etiquette in all situations would be. But hell, at least I'll be honest with you if you ask me what I think, so it can't hurt too much for me to give advice. : ) I mean, I usually do anyways, whether or not anyone asks me. I'm opinionated. Bite me.

Actually, this came about during a conversation I had with Anthony last night when we were discussing many worldly things, such as the Regan administration, Transformers, Christmas, and of course, proper etiquette in different situations. He thought my answers were practical enough, and he suggested that I share them with the world, i.e. the five or so people who read my blog. Lucky to be you, huh? So in the future, if you have a question about how to deal with a situation, feel free to let me get all up into your business. I can't be any worse than Dr. Phil, after all, right?

My first question comes from Anthony from Huntsville, who asks:
Q: WHAT IS THE PROPER TIME FRAME FOR GIVING BIRTHDAY GIFTS?

A: I believe that you have a grace period of a month either before or after the person's birthday. Any earlier and the person will think you didn't know when their birthday was in the first place, any later than that and they'll know you just forgot the birthday and no amount of trying to explain will convince them otherwise. Of course, this doesn't count for people like myself, who tend to get so excited about giving gifts that they will just pick a random date during the year and give the gift to the recipient if the gift has already been purchased. However, you have to make mention of the fact that you just couldn't wait. That way they aren't confused. Also, never give anyone a bulletin board for their birthday, especially if it's obvious that the bulliten board was something you have bought for yourself, but are giving it to them because you forgot it was their birthday. That's just asshattery to the twelfth degree. No seriously, it is. You know who you are.