What Now

As most of you know, today is my birthday. I am 29. For a normal person, this would be a time to celebrate or lament. However, I am doing neither. I am very likely hiding out somewhere in my home, trying my best to contain the jinx that plagues me and those around me. I believe very much that the only thing I've ever done to cause this jinx is to have the audacity to want to have a good birthday. So, because I am now probably in my hall closet with a flashlight and a MRE at my elbow so that I don't have to go anywhere and taint anyone else's day, I wanted to go ahead and apologize in case my bad luck infects any of you. Oh yes, it has done it before, and usually to the people I love most.

If at some point today you find yourself engaged to, married to, or impregnated by, someone whom you'd rather not be...I'm sorry.

If you find out you have a nasty disease or a fatal wound of some kind...I'm sorry.

If your house is suddenly plagued with paranormal activity...call TAPS...and I'm sorry.

If you have an accident or get murdered in some horrible way...I'm sorry.

If an ex boyfriend/girlfriend shows up at your house and takes you prisoner and you have to be smoked out of the hostage situation with tear gas bombs...I'm sorry.

If you wake up expecting breakfast in bed or roses (after all, it is Valentine's Day, too) and you are disappointed...I'm sorry.

If the romantic candles you placed in your bedroom catch the curtains on fire and you have to be rescued by a big, burly fireman...your welcome...and I'm sorry.

If you are secretly in love with someone and you find out they are getting married, or are gay...I'm sorry.

If you are attacked by penguins in the middle of a desert...I'm sorry.

If your favorite TV show is preempted by a State of the Union address, or weather coverage...I'm sorry.

If a dog steps in your dessert...I'm sorry.

If you get into a fight and wind up not speaking to someone you dearly love...I'm sorry.

If you happen to realize that your significant other completely forgot to get you anything for Valentine's Day and they give you a crappy gift that wasn't intended for you to begin with, but they give it to you so that you will think that they just have really bad taste instead of just not thinking about you...I'm sorry.

If you lean out of your top floor window after you take a shower to get a better look at who is driving into the garage of your next door neighbor, fall out of said window leaving your towel behind caught on the window latch, land naked and unconscious into your begonias and are arrested for public lewdness...well, you shouldn't be so nosy, but also, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if you have a bad day. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. However, it's probably my fault anyways, even though I'd never wish any of that stuff on anyone ever. All I can ask is for forgiveness and a wide berth each February 14th. Tomorrow I'll give you an update and let you know how things went. If I'm still alive, that is! : )