I feel like I need to apologize.
I mean, I know I don't have to, but I feel like I need to.
I know that I haven't seemed like my old self lately. Maybe I've even been kind of a bummer. The world needs less of that.
I've suffered some very painful losses over the past couple of months and that is something that has affected my mood and my brain and the things that I put out into the universe. Add to that, my body is doing some recalibrations, both physically and chemically, and that also has affected me quite a bit while I'm trying to get used to those changes.
More than anything in the world, I want to be a source of light and happiness and laughter for the people who know me. I want to make people smile and laugh, and I want to help people have a better day. Lately I haven't felt like I've been doing any of that.
(Well, unless you got a big kick out of me trying Delta 8 and nearly dying of sensory overload, and in that case, you're welcome. Heehee.)
I don't know how to explain how I've been feeling, except that I don't seem to find much joy in anything right now. That's not exactly right, because I can go out and do things, even enjoy those things, but I tend to find myself fazing out halfway through whatever it is and wishing I was back home. I have to force myself to do those things. I have zero desire to go anywhere, or do anything, or talk to anyone, but I make myself do that stuff so I don't just stay home and sleep all of the time. I literally have to give myself pep talks to meet Steve and his work friends for dinner, or agree to watch movies, and stuff like that. I even have to make myself use social media because it feels pointless. The second I'm done with whatever it is, it's like something has turned the light off.
It isn't even like depression, at least not like I've experienced it before. It's nothing. It's not even like I'm feeling beige. I feel blank. Not, you know, psychopathic blank - don't worry about that - but just...like looking at a blank wall with no pictures. I can't find my sparkle. I know it's out there somewhere, and I know it'll come back at some point, but for now, it's gone. No sparkle, no color, no fire. Like a prism covered in thick dust.
BUT...but...I'm trying hard to get it back. I miss it. I just wanted to apologize in case anything I've written here (or anywhere else that you might follow me, if you haven't muted me by now, at least) has done anything to bum you out, or make you feel blah. That's never my intention.
Oh, and just so you know, this isn't a cry asking for anyone to tell me how awesome I am. I know that when I'm on my game, I'm a fricking delight. All I'm asking for is for your patience (and to not abandon me) as I adjust to things, and hopefully I'll get my sparkle back soon.
