RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) I figured that I needed to come back and let you know I am still alive. Well, at least at the time of this writing. It would be weird if I wasn't, right? Who knows, maybe we can blog beyond the grave, but that isn't what is happening right now. I'm in my office and completely alive.

But isn't that what a ghost/vampire/zombie would say? Hmmmm...

2) So...yeah. Not much has changed since my last entry. I hate to sound like a broken record, but I still just don't feel much more than sad most of the time. Sad and blank and tired. I hate it. I hate every minute of it, but there's not much I can do. I'm still working it, though! I'm sure I'll wake up one day and things will be back to normal. It has to happen at some point, right? Can forever be like this? No color or sparkle or any of that? I hope not. But hey...currently still alive! That's gotta count for something!

It sucks, but there is still some tiny hope, so I'm better off than lots of people. That's...that's the silver lining that I have.

3) My weight loss is going well. I still haven't had the energy to get into any sort of exercise program or habit, but I'm hoping I'll figure something out soon. I don't think I'm eating the right things, or maybe not enough of the right things. I've been to see a dietitian, and she says that all my vitamin levels are good, and only my protein levels (the most important level) are a little low, but otherwise I'm doing well! I can definitely eat more than I could before, but hopefully that won't get out of hand again for a while. I hope not! I don't want to have gone through all of this for nothing!

It's funny, a lot of people who have this surgery are very active about posting pictures of themselves and their progress. Before and after photos are very common, especially in swimsuits and underwear and stuff, but I don't think I'm going to do that. Firstly, I'm incredibly picky about who sees my entire personage. Most pictures of me online are strictly shoulders and up, and if you've seen more than that, then you've either seen me in person or are subscribed to my OnlyFans*. Secondly, I don't really know how I feel about myself yet, which is weird. I don't really...recognize...myself. It's so weird! I mean, I haven't lost so much weight that am unrecognizable, but my brain image of myself and the mirror/photo image of myself doesn't match up and it's odd. I don't like looking at my own face in pictures because it's unsettling. I also think I look really old now, and my hair is awful, and I don't really feel like myself yet, but I've been told this is all normal. One day it'll just click and I'll recognize myself again. For what it's worth, even though I can't readily see it, everyone else has been very complimentary. 

Also, people ask me lots of weird questions. I don't mind questions, and I'll answer them all the best I can, but it's weird to have casual acquaintances so very interested in my body. They look at me all over and ask personal questions and it's...I dunno...a lot. It's like the weight loss surgery equivalent of when people feel free to touch a pregnant lady's stomach without permission.  

*I don't really have an OnlyFans, you perv. Good Lord. Although in this economic climate, it might not be a bad idea. I'll look into it.

4) So many people I know are traveling right now and I'm a bit jealous. I think that envy is my worst deadly sin, because I'm definitely envious of all my friends who are in fabulous places. Some of the band members went ahead and did the trip to Germany (sans band) and Josh and Geoff are in Portugal, and lots of people I know are currently in England and Scotland. Steve went on a solo trip and has two more vacations planned. I could technically go on one of those, but I declined because going to Hazzard Fest sounds like a nightmare to me. Maybe I'm just too picky, but I don't want to attend a hillbilly weekend somewhere in the butt crack of Georgia just to meet Daisy Duke. So, unfortunately, I don't think any major traveling will be possibly for me this year, but I can live vicariously through others! 

5) I have to do a stressful thing today. It's not a bad thing, but I'm low key wigging out about it because it is a thing I don't feel prepared to do and I'm not sure I'll do it well. I'll let you know the outcome because it'll be kind of a medium deal if it all goes well. We'll see.

6) Is it weird to send emails to someone's junk mailbox? Like...if you want to say some things, but can't say it right out, is it weird to send the messages where you know they probably won't be read? It's not a thing I've done yet, but it's a thing I'm considering just to know that my message has gone someplace out into the ether, but also to a place where the only possible person who could conceivably read it would be someone I trust. It feels like kind of a creepy thing to do. I don't want to be creepy. Eh...I guess I'll just have to try it and see how I feel. It's not like anyone will actually read whatever it is!

Yeah, probably definitely creepy. Damnit.