I DON'T KNOW

I have not been myself the past few days.

I'm not sure what is going on, but I have been feeling very odd and on edge, like I'm waiting for something to fall on my head.  Does that make sense?  As I posted elsewhere, I feel as though I'm in mental cover-my-head mode. Like I'm expecting something bad, maybe, but don't have any reason to.

Nothing is going on, as far as I know, and I have no real reason to feel like I do, but something feels "off" to me, and it's making me all jumpy and defensive and I'm beginning to get on my own nerves. All last week, I felt this way, just kind of prickly and growly.  I even got called out by a friend for being kind of an asshole (and to be fair, I was - and they used nicer language than that - but calling a spade and spade, that's what I was being!) Granted, at that time I was irritated at my boss for changing budget stuff again, but geez, that's just part of working with other people. I don't know why that made me get snippy at anyone else.  I've felt bad about it ever since. :(

I feel the way I usually feel when I'm around someone who is upset or angry, because I can pick up on that kind of thing at close range, but I haven't been around anyone like that lately. I used to be able to depend on my spidey-sense, which felt a lot like this, to let me know if someone that wasn't physically close to me having a problem, but that hasn't been a thing I could rely on for a long time. My spidey-sense is on the fritz, I guess you could say.

I don't know, but I wish it would go away! I want to feel normal again!  I'm ready for normal. I'd like to go back to the things I was doing before the December from hell, and I'd like to enjoy stuff and have fun, and not feel like I'm anticipating something bad!  UGH!  Y'all!  This sucks.

I'm sorry to complain. I just have this feeling something is off it's axis, and I can't place my finger on what it is, and it's like an itch I can't scratch!  I know it'll pass, as all things do, but I'm afraid I'll run everyone away from me before I can figure it out.  I don't want that! Just bear with me...I'm working on making this better! 

(On a completely different and much nicer note...I learned to make biscuits this weekend! They were good and they didn't burn or anything! There is hope for me yet!)

I still hug you!

ETA: It isn't PMS. Shame on you for thinking so! :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I am not good with words.

I have always wanted, very badly, to be the kind of person that can say things that would help people.  If someone is hurting or sad, I want to be able to sit with them, or write to them, and be able to say something that will make it better.  Problem is, if I am emotionally close to someone (and those are usually the people I want to comfort the most) I feel the things that they feel and that renders me kind of stupid.  Seriously, when I am sad, I can't express myself properly, and if someone I love is sad, scared, nervous, or anything like that, I catch it and I can't say anything helpful. I go completely off the rails. I end up saying the most bizarre and cringe worthy stuff in an attempt to help them and that tends to not help at all. 

What I seem to be good at is doing, or at least trying my best to do. You need a hug? I got you. My hugs have been honed by almost 41 years of squishy, southern womanhood and I will try very hard to squeeze the sad right out of you. I will go out of my way to make you laugh if I feel you are sad, to the point of probably seeming like a bit tactless, because I want you not to be sad. You need me to cook you dinner? Clean your house? Walk your dog? Try and poke food into your face if I don't think you're eating? Tell you a long rambling story about how I once fell down in front of everyone in the lunchroom and inadvertently did the splits in a puddle of school mashed potatoes? I can do that! I will buy you useless presents or make you something out of my seemingly endless stash of arts and crafts supplies if I think it will help, even if it doesn't really. I will send you a hug over email if I think you need one! I will also sometimes stand back and not say anything, because the knowledge that my words can't help makes me too afraid to say anything, and that sucks because I want very badly to help and it's a helpless feeling when I can't and I don't want to make it worse.

Why am I telling you a thing most of you know?  Because I didn't 100% understand this about myself until recently. I mean, I KNEW, but I didn't KNOW, ya know?  Realizing a spiritual gift is a little like finding out about a new super power and not knowing how to use it. It's my own kind of origin story, and I'm just trying to reign it all in now that I see what is going on. I suppose I'm mainly telling you this because if I come at you from nowhere with a gift, or food, or a weird story, or if I jump on you with a hug, I'm trying to help. I know it sometimes makes me seem like a golden retriever that no one ever trained, but please know it comes from a good place and it's because I love you very much and want to make you happy.

Geez, I really am like a Golden Retriever. Makes me reconsider my thoughts about reincarnation. What if this is my first human form?!  That would really explain the clumsiness, shedding, and the irresistible urge to fetch. 
 
2) Y'all...I need to lose at least five pounds and it is not happening! I know what is going on, though. I'm way out of practice of doing the things that keep the weight off. From Thanksgiving to New Years, we were not home very much and cooking and eating became catch as catch can.  Desserts became something I indulged in when I had managed to mostly give them up before. Also...potato chips. They are my kryptonite. I also pinched a nerve in my back the one day I was able to go to the gym to take my class, and my arms went numb for a while and I couldn't grasp anything, so lifting weights was out of the question and running only made it worse.  I am slowly trying to get back into my good habits, but it's hard! It's nice just to eat without worrying about everything you put in your mouth and going out to eat when you don't feel like cooking is great. Exercise is hard and sweaty and not as much fun as people make you think it is. I think back to the 6 months of being hungry last year and it makes me want to stuff my face even when I know better and at the same time not eat at all because I don't ever want to go through that again.  Ugh, I just need to work harder. The people at the weight loss clinic will not be happy with me when I go back to weigh in!  They can bite me though, because I am working on it!  Heehee...they can bite me, but they won't, because I'm way too fattening right now.

3) We have been binge watching the show Vikings on Amazon Prime, and I am surprised that I kind of love it.  Steve has always been fascinated with ancient Norse culture and history, so finding a show that is done by the History channel (making it a little more accurate than say, HBO, where I'm sure it would become a vehicle for gratuitous sex and nudity -not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what you're looking for *ahem Game of Thrones*- and drawing from real history as well as mythology) was a lot of fun. Granted, I have to take a break from time to time because it's kind of violent and I don't like mainstreaming stuff like that, but when it's not violent, it's great!  It has also sent me down a Wikipedia wormhole reading about the genuine historical people that it depicts, and now I know way more about Norse/early Anglo-Saxon history than is probably useful, but I have no regrets. You should watch it if you get the chance.

4) I know that parenthetical sentence above is a lot of grammatical nonsense (as is most of my writing) and I apologize. Don't come at me. I'm not good at words!

5) I hug you again, but for different reasons than before.

YAY

The days seem so odd now that we don't have a holiday to look forward to, don't they?

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that it's all over and I am not expected to go anywhere for a while, and I can cook my own dinner, and I don't have to prepare for anything big. I'm not complaining!  It's just that everything feels so quiet.

Steve is traveling for work for a couple of days, so things are even more quiet than usual, and that's OK, too.  I'm going to do whatever the heck I want!  Well, maybe not everything I want to do, but certainly as much of it as I can.

Three cheers for no big holidays for a while! 

You can use this quiet time to prepare for my birthday.  :)

I hug you!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

If you are reading this, it means you survived the holidays.  Congratulations!

December was, as you know, not so great this year, but we persevered as well as we could. By the time Christmas rolled around, it had gotten a little less grim in our neck of the woods. We spent the holiday quietly, with our various family, and it was nice.

We had dinner with Mr. Lee on Christmas eve. Steve grilled steaks since the weather was warmish, which is one of the nice things about living down here. Also, since we have Mr. Lee's older 3D television now, we asked him to bring a movie that he wanted to watch. He brought Doctor Strange, and I'll be honest, I enjoyed it a lot more in 3D! We saw the regular version in the theater, but it really added a lot to it!  Also, I love Benedict Cumberbatch, so win-win.

We spent Christmas Day with my mom and it was planned to be a very low key sort of day. Tommy's birthday was Christmas day, so I knew it was going to be very bittersweet. We didn't have anything big planned, just lunch and gifts and hanging out with the family.  Everything was fine, except for one really weird, uninvited guest.

Look, our family doesn't do drama. That's just not who we've ever been as people. Pretty much anything that ever came our way was dealt with quickly, which I can only just now appreciate, but all in all, we have always been like good diamonds: Conflict Free. ;)

Everyone was there except for my youngest nephew and his girlfriend, and so we hadn't started eating yet when someone knocked on the door. We thought it was Seth, but it turned out to be my paternal uncle's wife's brother. Did you follow that?  So, no one even remotely related to us at all.  The man is...not right.  After years of drug and alcohol abuse, resulting in a lot of trouble with his own family that caused them to disown him, he is an incredibly muddled, hostile, unhinged (not violent, but has that potential) sick old man.  I don't think I'd ever met him face to face, so when he walked into the house, I didn't know who he was. I was under the impression that he was a friend of my mom's husband, so when he walked in, I was pleasant to him and went about my own business.  It wasn't until I saw my mom's face that I realized something was wrong.  The man, who literally has no ties to our family even remotely since my father passed away, decided to stop at mom's house and tell her he was sorry about her losing her son. Nice, right?  No, not really.  I mean, yes, that part was nice, but he turned that opportunity into talking about himself and all of his problems, and that he didn't have any family and wow, look at all the food you have, and a litany of other problems and people that he didn't like and who had wronged him, blah, blah, blah.

My mother, being the saint that she is, told him he could eat with us because (as she told us when the guy was safely out of the room and we were quietly saying WTF did you invite him to eat for?!) she felt sorry for him and that is what Jesus would want her to do.

Take a moment and love my mom for that, won't you?  She's too good for this world.

Now, I might not have minded so much if I hadn't been reminded by my sister that this man had, after my dad died and we were still trying to settle his affairs, stole his farm equipment and sold it off before we had a chance to take inventory of it. It's bad enough for him to be a thief, but the fact that he stole my deceased father's stuff before he'd been dead two weeks (which incidentally would have become MY stuff since I inherited the farm portion of the property) infuriated me. We never pressed charged on him or even called him out over what he'd done (we should have, but by the time we realized the extent of what he'd done, it wouldn't have done any good and we were still shell shocked over Papa's death to do much) but we didn't want to cause a fuss.  I won't lie, though, I have resented the hell out of that for years from afar.  I can't stand a thief or a liar. I was unhappy with the fact that this man who had treated our family so poorly was now sitting at the table talking trash about my uncle and cousins, likely because they wouldn't let him come over and mooch anymore, but we were as welcoming as we could be because as mom said, that is what Jesus would want us to do.

Sometimes I think Jesus asks a bit much.  Heh.

So he ate and talked and lied and rambled and we all sat there uncomfortably. My mom's husband was PISSED. He didn't say anything, but he was very uncomfortable with the man being in their house, so he wouldn't even sit down. He kept pacing around, muttering. It was, by far, the most bizarre Christmas lunch I've ever sat through, but soon enough, the man stood up and said he had to leave. That he didn't mean to impose, or some such thing.  It was just so WEIRD. Towards the end, I started laughing because I was so uncomfortable and had to go into another room. Eventually, though, he was gone and we locked the door.

After that, the day was nice. We played a game called Spoons, which got kind of violent, but it was fun. We exchanged gifts, sat around and talked, and then we came home.

For new years, we spent the evening at the symphony listening to songs by John Williams, which was good, and I barely made it to midnight! Haha.

By the end of 2018 I buried people I loved, gained too much weight, lost the drive to do a lot of things that I usually enjoy, and missed my friends so much it hurt, but I made it out of the other side with only a few scars. I don't make resolutions, as I am not good at keeping things like that, but I do hope that this new year will be good and fun and prosperous, and full of accomplishments and adventures and most of all happy and full of strength and love for myself and all of you.

Happy New Year! I hug you!

OY

Ok. Let's...let's just hope that things will calm down a little bit around here.  Please?  Ok? 

I mean, I know it could be worse.  It could be a lot worse.  Things have been sad, and busy, and busy with sad stuff, but for right now, right this second, things are calm.  Lots of people have it worse than what I've been going through, and I'm going to keep that in mind every time I start feeling overwhelmed.

Yesterday we buried a wonderful lady.  Aunt Brenda, the lady that we always go and stay with on Thanksgiving, passed away Sunday morning after a sudden health issue no one knew about caused a problem.  She and I were close. After my lovely mother-in-law passed away 12 years ago, Brenda became a de facto MIL to me. We talked a lot, and sent each other gifts, and it wasn't until she was gone that I realized how much of Aunt Brenda had been enmeshed my daily life.

It's like waking up and realizing a chair you sit in all of the time is missing, and you have to work around the knowledge that the chair isn't there anymore, and you keep walking to where that chair is supposed to be and it isn't there, and you have to think "well, shit, it isn't there anymore." and then you have to alter your course and find someplace else to sit that isn't as comfortable or convenient, and it throws you out of whack for a while.

She would probably hate that I'm comparing her to a chair, haha!  You know what I mean, though.

We traveled to Georgia on Tuesday for her wake and stayed until Wednesday for her funeral. I'm very glad that she had a closed casket, because I want to remember her the way I saw her last, and not in a coffin.  I sang at her funeral. It's one last thing I could do. Steve played his trumpet, which was nice.

Also, just for fun, I got some bad news about a close friend of mine and I can't help her at all with it.

I'm sorry if I'm framing it as being about me. None of this is ultimately about me and I know that, but people I love are hurting and I can't help them and it sucks.  Sitting around knowing you can't help is bad.

However, up til this point, I've managed to stay relatively gangster. When other people hurt, you just have to stuff your feelings all down and be strong for them, and I think I've managed that so far.  I don't think I've really had time to process all of the things that have happened in the past three weeks, but hopefully that will happen soon. I'm tired, and sick of being sad, and I would like to have some time where I don't have to think about all the bad things that have been going on, but that will have to wait because Christmas is here and we have to go and do a million things and if we didn't do those things we'd hurt people's feelings and there would be lots of questions and I just don't have the capacity to deal with that because the first moment someone questions why I don't want to do some big Christmas thing I think I'll snap and be rude out of sheer exhaustion and hurt someone's feelings and I really don't want to do that.  It's not even that I want to isolate myself or anything like that, it's just that I'd like so much to not have to think about everything shitty that has been going on, you know? 

But...for now, I'm fine.  I'm just fine. I'm gangster. However, I have a feeling that if anyone looks at me wrong or hurts my feelings in any way, I'm going to very much crack apart. 

via GIPHY

Not because I want to, but because there is just a lot of feelings in here that want to get out and I'm not letting that happen, damnit! 

So, that's where I am right now. I'm OK. I'm just full of all of this and it needs to settle. I'll be fine, I promise.  I think I'm just being selfish.

I hug you.

A FAMILY STORY -OR- THE (DAMN) YANKEES WANTED TO STEAL MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDMOTHERS AND SELL THEM TO A SIDE SHOW

That is not just a catchy title, you guys.

I'll be honest, I don't know an awful lot about the history of my family. It's not that I'm not interested in knowing about it, but no one ever seemed to keep many records. We always heard stories about how we were related to this family or that (because we came from a small southern community that didn't see fit to marry outside of the county lines) and occasionally we'd hear a fifth-hand anecdote about how this cousin might have been buried alive, or that relative was sent to live in a mental asylum because they hit menopause and got a little emotional, but information is sparse as far as any real concrete history of our family goes. 

While we were staying with my brother before he passed away, one of the things that we did to pass the time was look through boxes of old pictures and news clippings that my mom had stashed away in a closet. My sister found a newspaper clipping, from a 1993 edition of the formidable Athens News Courier with a story (a story which I thought would have been brought to my attention at the time, but was not) about two of my great grandmothers. This was a story that would have tickled me to death as a teenager, and honestly, it kind of tickles me to death now. It's so rare that I find out real stories about my ancestors and its a bizarre story to boot!

First off, I suppose I need to explain why I keep saying "my grandmothers" in plural.  My family tree kind of joins back together in a certain spot.  My great-great-great grandmothers on both my mother's side and my father's side were sisters.  Actually, they were part of a set of triplets, born in 1862, and thought to be the first set of triplets born in the state of Alabama.  Their names were Melissa, Artimisa, and Narcisa Smith and they were the youngest of 21 (gulp) kids born to Roland and Elizabeth Smith on a plantation close to Cherokee, Alabama in Colbert County.

First off, I had no idea that any of my relatives ever lived on a plantation.  So...yikes. Until reading this story, I was under the impression that all of the people in my family had once been po' white sharecroppers and Native Americans, with some randos from other places thrown in for good measure. However, apparently this branch of my family tree had some money, and a plantation, and triplet daughters that were a very unusual occurrence at the time.

As you know, during the Civil War northern troops came down and burned and pillaged a lot of the plantations and farms of the people who lived in the south. They were not stand up guys, obviously, and when they got wind that there were triplets in one of the homesteads, it got back to the Smiths that soldiers intended to kidnap their daughters, probably to sell them to a circus as a side show act.  Roland Smith then took the time to build a false wall in their house where the hid the girls whenever the Union soldiers were nearby.  The fact that representatives from a county fair had also been after the family to allow them to display the girls in their own side show made the family aware that the threat of the Yankee soldiers very real, so according to the article "Fearing for the triplet's safety, the family left their plantation home and moved to Madison County, just over the Limestone County Line. They fled in the night, crossing the Tennessee river on a ferry, and traveled on to Madison County by horses and wagons."

Neato.

The Smiths then settled on a farm in Madison County, where the girls lived altogether until they were 21 and unfortunately Artimisia died of Pneumonia.  The other two girls, Melissa and Narcisa, went on to marry and have babies and those babies grew up and met and some of them got married and somehow I am a result of that craziness.

That is really all I know about the family, but I'd love to learn more.  Also, knowing that the family had 21 children probably explains my very complex, very interconnected list of cousins around these parts. The only other things of note that I found out was that Melissa (my maternal GGG Grandmother) had really thick ankles, so I guess I know where I got those from now.  The more you know! 

SIGH

Do you ever feel like life is just taking the piss?

Yesterday morning we received word that the husband of our cousin, one of the ones we visit every year in Georgia, passed away after a fairly short illness.  He was only 45, has two teenage kids, and was doing fine until he got sick in October.

I can't even imagine how our cousin is feeling right now. How do you suddenly have to live without your partner of 19 years, the father of your kids, all unexpectedly? My brain won't even wrap around it.  It makes me feel sick for her.

So it looks like this will be a two funeral week for us. We started out the week with one, and we'll be traveling to another one in Georgia for a couple of days at the end of this week.

I'm so, so, so tired of being sad.

LAST UPDATE

For those of you who have been keeping up with the story of my brother and his illness, I wanted to let you know that he passed away Friday night, just before 9:00 PM.

It was peaceful and everyone in our family was there with him when he passed.

I wish I could be poetic, and write some wonderful, elegantly worded essay about him, but I can't do that. At least, I can't do it right now.  It's still too new and it still stings too much.

I told a friend of mine that I have a lot of feelings that I don't understand about all of this, and that is true. I haven't understood any of this situation from the very beginning. I don't believe it is meant for me to understand and right now I'm ok with that. My brother was the person who least deserved to suffer, but for some reason he did. The universe is a weird place.

His memorial service will be tomorrow and I already wish it was over. Not because I don't want to remember him, but I need time to remember him on my own terms; without the music and the preachers and the people telling me "He's in a better place" or "He's healthy now" or any of those platitudes that well-meaning people say at funerals.

He was my brother. He was good and happy and the weight of the world and all of its problems never touched him. He had the purest soul of anyone that I ever met. I loved him so much.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

At least for now.

Thank you.

A NEW UPDATE

Just to let you know, because I know that some of you are keeping up, my mom called me today and told me that my brother is not doing well at all. 

The Hospice nurse told her today that he is basically wearing down and is probably not going to last much longer. They said that before when he first got sick, but he's physically wearing out now and the signs are getting clearer.

I don't really know what to say other than that, but I'd appreciate your prayers and good vibes for my brother and my mom.

SIGH

OK, just a heads up, I'm about to have a little pity party here for myself.

I feel like a failure.

Anyone who has been around these parts since January of this year knows about the rather extreme weight loss program that Steve and I were a part of. It wasn't fun.  It was hard, and awful, and hungry and depressing, but it worked.  I lost over 40 pounds and, I'm not going to lie, I was kind of proud of myself.  Granted, anyone who basically starves themselves will lose weight, but I felt like I was doing it in a relatively smart way: medical supervision, with a support group and an educational class to teach about nutrition and exercise.  It had all of the elements of a successful program that would provide long term results.

I think for almost everyone else in the program it has worked, but for me not so much, and it's all my fault.

Ever since Steve and I were released into "Maintenance Mode" which basically means that we are no longer under weekly supervision, things don't seem to be working out so well.  Some things are fine, as I'm way more aware of the things I eat, I go twice a week to pretty intense circuit workout class, I rarely eat fast food anymore (maybe 5 times since January,) I hardly eat sweets, I eat more vegetables and less carby stuff now than I ever have in my entire life, and a good half of what I consume in a day is hospital approved meal replacements.

Despite all of that, I am still not doing something right, even though I can't really pinpoint it. I know it has to be a lot to do with what I'm eating, as I do eat at restaurants and don't always make the best choices when I'm there.  I have a weakness for salty things, and although I don't do it often, I'll occasionally have a drink if we go out with friends. I'm so tired all of the time that when I don't specifically have gym class, I'm usually sleeping as much as possible so that I can make it through the day without falling asleep at work. Even though those habits aren't even at the level that they were, my weight is creeping slowly upwards and I am ashamed of myself for it.

I know I shouldn't be, because there are probably way more things I should consider being ashamed of myself for, but I can't help it. I worked so hard to lose this weight and now I'm just...failing...at food. I spent so much money and time doing the danged program and now it feels like I wasted all of it.  I know I didn't, as I saw results, but for them to be so easily lost is disheartening.  What's even worse is that when we do go to our monthly meetings, I see everyone doing their thing and it seems so effortless, and I'm just sitting there slowly melting back into a blob of personage by the second.

The thing is, that my shame isn't specifically just about gaining the weight back, although that is something I desperately don't want, but the fact that I couldn't be disciplined enough to maintain the weight loss I'd achieved for even a month after being let go from the program. I'm not back to where I was in the beginning, but if the trend continues, I will be and I don't want that.

I'm just so disgusted with myself, you guys!  I know that if I work at it, I can find some kind of groove to get back into, but right now it seems kind of hopeless and I'm just so frustrated.  I can't just live on meal bars and dietary Yoo-Hoo for the rest of my life. I can only do as much exercise as my body will let me.  I'm just...ugh.

I'm sorry, I know that in the scheme of things this is a very minor blip on the screen, and I hope that I'll just figure out what my issue is and fix it, but right now I'm just so disheartened. 

That is all.  Pity party over for a bit. :)  I hug you.

WHELP...THAT HAPPENED

Some of you have already read this.  I posted this on my Facebook page because I knew people who I'm friends with there would think it was funny. However, I also felt strange NOT writing about it here, because this is where all the crazy stuff that happens in my life ends up!  So I'm posting it here as well, because why not show the rest of the world what a doofus I am!

****

I know I don’t have to tell this story. I know that embarrassing myself is unnecessary, but I’m going to do it because no matter how I felt at the end of the day, it was funny.

Yesterday I had an early appointment and I was in a hurry to get dressed so that I wouldn’t be late. I grabbed a green dress out of the closet and put it on, only thinking for a moment that it seemed a bit short, but as I was wearing hose (don’t judge me) it didn’t seem that concerning.

I went to my meeting, and on the way in and out I struggled to keep my dress down to hide my business when the wind blew. I went to Wal-Mart and had the same problem, but I was shopping, so I didn’t think about it much.

At work, I finally looked at myself in the mirror and realized that my green dress was a lot shorter than I realized. It wasn’t completely indecent, but much shorter than I would be wearing if I had more time to pick my clothes that morning. Every time I’d go into the bathroom, I’d look at how short my dress was and wonder if it had shrunk in the wash. I didn’t remember it being that short before.
On the way home I got gas, and stood in the edge of a busy Huntsville street holding my dress down in the wind as cars went by. I went inside the store to get a drink, even.

As I was getting ready for bed and taking the green dress to put in the hamper, I took one last look and realized that...my green dress didn’t have pockets. It was also not by the brand that was on the tag.

You guys, it wasn’t my dress. It was a shirt. Granted, it was a long shirt, but it was not meant to be worn alone!! I essentially went out of the house, went to an appointment, went to Wal-Mart, went to work, only wearing a shirt! I LEFT THE HOUSE NOT WEARING PANTS.

I knew this day would come, I just thought I’d be older. I need your prayers.

A WHOLE LOT OF RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Oh, Lord, y'all....I had a very full weekend!  I'm not complaining, as I enjoyed everything, but it is Monday morning , and if I could take off all of this week just to recover from the weekend, I would.

2) I spent the night at my mom's house Thursday night so that I could stay with my brother the next day while my mom had a procedure on her eye (thankfully nothing serious, but it involved lasers which is a little scary.) I like my mom's house because it is so clean!  She complains about it being messy, but it isn't at all.  It's like a vacation from my own house that still hasn't recovered from our wall remodel! Also, she has a shower the size of my whole bathroom, which I fully appreciate.

Tommy is still doing about the same, although he has persistent fevers that none of the doctors or nurses can figure out. They told my mom that she could send him to a hospital and he could be extensively tested on, or she could keep him at home and make sure he's comfortable. She has chosen to keep him at home. He is so incredibly fragile that I am terrified to take care of him in case I hurt him somehow, but we did ok. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses and I let him play "Got Your Nose" with me, because for some reason pinching my nose makes him inordinately happy.  That rascal took my nose a hundred times, and in the end refused to give it back, so it's still under his pillow, I guess.  He also got me in a bear hug before I left, and even though he is thin and weak, he can still hug like a bear! Hehe.

Of all the things in the world I don't understand, I really don't understand why he, of all people, is going through this kind of hell.  I don't even know how to pray about it. I suppose it's one of those "by and by" things I hear so much about, huh?

3) Friday night we went out with some of Steve's coworkers and I'm so glad he works with nice people who like me. We had to set up a tent in the downtown area for a race that was going on the next day, so we headed to downtown proper and went to a local brewery and a new restaurant that had opened up a few months ago.  We had a good time, although I think I had more to drink than I should have, i.e. I had two pints of cider instead of just one. I know, I'm a total lush, right?  Actually, I misread the ABV info on the cider and I didn't realize until it was too late. Oops. I didn't embarrass myself or do anything stupid, but I was just a little floopy before it was all over. 

4) I did wake up in the middle of the night regretting the cider because I was supposed to be running in the race the next day.  It was the fifteenth annual Liz Hurley Ribbon Run 5K, which I told you about before (I think.)  There were 6,500 registered participants, and I was number 4146! I didn't realize until the day of that the race was going to be timed, so that was fun! Steve works with a woman who is a survivor of breast cancer, and his company got together a group of people to participate in the race. I was excited about it, because I'd wanted to do another 5K, and hadn't been able to find one that really interested me. This was for a good cause and I wouldn't be running alone!  I didn't practice very much before the race, which was stupid.  I know it's just a 5K, but most people can't just wake up one morning and decide to run that far without doing a little bit of preparation. I kept thinking I'd have more time, but I didn't. Totally my fault. At any rate, I knew I wanted to run as much of it as possible, so that's what I did. Steve was going to walk the whole thing, but I pulled him into the runners area with me and so he didn't have a choice!  Haha! It was cold and raining, so it wasn't the best weather for running, but we were ready to go!

Ok, in light of full disclosure, I did walk a lot of the course. I just wasn't fit enough and I run slowly.  I like to run, but I'm very bad at it.  I don't just mean I'm slow, though. I don't think I run...right?  Is that a thing?  I feel like I'm stomping the ground instead of smoothly running, and I get out of breath so quickly, but I soldiered on as hard as I could.  I did manage to run the fastest mile I've ever run. It was less than I expected, and even with walking, I didn't do too badly time wise.  Steve can run faster than me (even though, unfairly, he never walks, runs, or exercises as much as I do...grrr) so when we'd do our running parts he'd get ahead of me and stop to wait. I told him not to, but he insisted, which I know is nice, but I felt bad holding him back.  He did decide to leave me on the final stretch, which was fine.  He beat me by two minutes almost exactly!  I finished at a perfectly average time of about 46 minutes and change, so I was solidly in the middle of the 6,500 people who started out.  I'm ok with that, though. I didn't need to be fast, I just wanted to finish before it was all over! I can get better if I want. Like I said, I like running, but I don't think I want it to become my only hobby, so it'll be a process. In the end we were tired, wet, cold and covered in glitter, but we had a good time!

5) Right after the race, and I mean I just had time to change out of my wet shirt before we left again, we went to Steve's band picnic, which was cold, wet and also unfortunately poorly attended. There were less than twenty of us shivering in the pavilion, eating sandwiches and talking, but it was nice. I was really ready to go home, though, because I was so, so, so tired.  Everything was hurting by then, and being cold for so long wasn't helping matters.  We finally went home and got dry and fell asleep for a while.  It was much better when we woke up, but everything still hurt! I'm pretty sure I rattled some bones that hadn't been rattled in a while!

6) Sunday I got someone to cover me on the sound board at night, and Steve, Anthony and I went to do autumnal things in a corn maze and a zombie splatter!  I think we were probably too old to do most of the stuff, but we enjoyed getting, literally, lost in the corn maze.  We wound up exiting out the way we got in, so I've decided that we are very bad at corn mazes.  We also shot a pneumatic corn cannon, which was a little scary, but fun!  The zombie splatter was a new thing to me, but it was clearly the most fun. There is a big flatbed on wheels that is rigged with mounted, air powered paint ball guns. Someone on a tractor takes you out into this course with overturned cars and drives through it while people dressed as zombies come at you, so you get to peg then with paint balls!  I really hope the actors were well padded, because I shot one of them in the crotch, like, five times.  It didn't last nearly long enough, though!

Afterwards we went to a diner and had cake, which was a very nice way to end my weekend!

7) Hope your weekend was just as nice!  I HUG YOU! (hug)

I REMEMBERED!

Ha!  I remembered the last thing I was going to write about earlier, and while it's not a big deal, the fact that I remembered without, like, a week going by makes me happy and I'm going to write about it anyway!  YAY!

Ok, so I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. Most of them are what I think of as "Stress Dreams" which I would categorize as the kind of dreams that are fairly common where people dream they show up to class and realize they have a test and they haven't studied for it, or they have a presentation at work and realize they are unprepared.  I don't remember all of them, but the one that sticks out is that I was taken on one of those TV reality baking shows and was told I had to decorate a cake, and I'd be judged on it, but I had no idea how to decorate a cake.  Looking back, it's actually kind of funny, because I was standing behind a big white cake and completely panicking because I had no idea what to do.  I remember my last thought before waking up was

"Sprinkles! I'll put some f*cking sprinkles on it and nobody will know the difference!"

I'm such a problem solver.

Last night, though, was something else.  In my "second sleep" or the time I went back to sleep after being awake for a few hours, I dreamed I was in my bedroom, still in bed (and it was so realistic, which is what made the dream so upsetting) and my sister ran into the room and pointed at the covers and said "OH MY GOD, IT'S GOT A TAIL!" and a lump in the covers started moving towards me and I jumped on it, thinking there was a mouse under it and I didn't want it to bite me.  So I'm holding this big, wiggling lump of sheets, pinning it underneath me and trying not to let whatever is under there get away, and then she starts yelling at me because of something to do with mom. I don't remember what it was, but I know I had forgotten to do something for her, or I had failed to realize something that had to do with her, and the whole time I'm holding down this...thing...under the covers and so I couldn't move or get away.  I felt so bad for whatever it was I'd done (or not done) and I was panicking because the wiggling vermin under the covers was thrashing around, and it has somehow gotten inside my shirt, but I knew that if I took my hand off of it, it would start running around and I'd lose my mind.  I finally got the thing to stop wiggling and I took my hand off of it, and a cockroack the size of an athletic shoe started climbing out of my pajama top, and that's when I woke up in a blind panic, slapping at the front of my shirt and spitting because the dream roach's antenna had gotten into my mouth. 

It was awful and took almost a minute before my awake brain took over and I realized I wasn't being infested.  I honestly can't understand why I didn't remember this dream earlier to write about it, but in a way I'm glad I didn't because now I've got the heebies pretty badly.

Now, would anyone like to analyze these dreams for me?  I'm not sure why I'm having stress dreams, as I don't think I'm particularly stressed, or why I'm dreaming of roaches bigger than my foot!  Send help!

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I should probably rename this blog "Random Acts of Blogging" shouldn't I?  Heehee.  I can't help it! This is what being in my head is like.  It's all random acts of something!

2) I feel kind of blah.  Do you ever have blah days?  You don't feel necessarily bad or good, you're just...existing? That's me today. I don't think I've been sleeping well, to be honest.  I have a hard time going to sleep, but when I finally do I wake up every morning around 3:00 AM and just stay awake until I fall asleep again a couple of hours later.  Then I sleep so hard that I have a difficult time getting out of bed to get to work!  It's an odd feeling, this blahness.  Eh, well, I'd rather be blah than depressed or sad!  Look! There is a silver lining!

3) We went to a "haunted cave" event at Cathedral Caverns on Saturday night and it was fun!  I don't know if this is the first time that they held this particular event, but it was really crowded and I was glad to see we weren't the only adults there without kids.  We went for Anthony's birthday, which I didn't realize was on Saturday (I am a bad friend.)  The haunt itself wasn't really scary.  I'd say it was probably on par with your local Jaycee's haunted house staffed with high school kids and what not. Well, except for one tunnel that had been built along the trail that was creepy. I wasn't sure if someone was going to jump out at me and it was very dark, so I closed my eyes and ran face first into a wall, and there was a big, plastic spider, which Steve didn't appreciate, but other than that it was kind of tame. Actually, walking through the cavern was the eeriest part, because it's already so big and quiet. They had a fog machine and red lights going, and I imagine that there must be parts of hell that look a lot like that, but otherwise it was just silly fun! I started to feel bad for the actors along the trail, because they were trying their level best to scare us, so I started to pretend I was scared towards the end so that they didn't feel like they were wasting their time.

There was one guy in our group that kind of killed the mood for all of us from the beginning. I mean, obviously it wasn't going to be terrifying, but he spent the whole walk through the thing being kind of an asshole to the actors. Someone would jump out at him and he was say (loudly) "oh, awesome." and things like that. He was very obviously trying to be the coolest guy in the cave, I guess. At the end we overheard him say "Well, it wasn't scary at all. They'd jump out at me and I'd just laugh or say -insert whatever it was he'd said- and basically I MADE the tour more than any of the actors." Yeah, friend, you made the tour. I'm sure your friends were thrilled being there with you. 

4) On Friday night, Steve and I went on an impromptu adventure and drove out to Guntersville to eat at a place called "Crawmama's" which is a kind of just-off-the-lake family seafood place that is only open about three nights a week.  Steve had been wanting to try it for a while, but we never could catch it while it was open.  I liked it fine, although I'm not crazy about seafood, but it felt like we were eating in someone's garage.  A garage filled with wild, non-supervised children.  No kidding, there were a plethora (... I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.) of very small, very loud, very unsupervised kids in a sand pit just behind where we were sitting.  It added to the ambiance of the place, I guess.  The food was good, though, and that is what really matters. I enjoy finding new, local places to eat, so that was fun. We've been trying to go out and find places we've never been before more often. So far, we've found a couple we like! Huntsville is full of places like that, and I never had any idea.  Weird.

5) Sunday, after I got back from church, I took off my church shoes and put on a pair of ratty, rubber flip-flops that I've had forever. I tend to wear them around the house to be comfortable, and apparently I was too comfortable because I forgot to take them off and only realized I was still wearing them when I got back for church in the evening.  I actually posted a picture of my feet on Instagram, which not unusual, because I thought it was funny.  This morning, my coworker came in ans said that he thought someone had posted pornography on Instagram because he saw my legs.  Oy.  I mean, I know my dress was above my knees, but the guy isn't Amish!  Haha!  I promise, he doesn't ever have to worry about seeing me naked. I'll do my damndest to make sure that never happens. People pay good money to....I mean, what? Haha. Nooooooooooo thank you please.

6) I feel like there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember what it was right now. Luckily I can come back at a later date and write it if I remember.  If. 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Taking your sweet time to get undressed and leisurely walk down the hallway to the bathroom to shower is all fun and games until you realize your spouse (who has been remodeling) has removed the blinds from the windows that face the big, glass fronted house that our brand new neighbors just moved into.

So, you know, at this point I can't introduce myself to them. I feel like we are way beyond that now. 

Sorry, new neighbors. Usually I wait about a month before I get naked in front of your house. My bad.

2) OK, this is weird.  I'm suddenly gaining weight incredibly fast, even though I'm not doing anything much different from what I was doing before.  I suppose I might be eating more, but I don't think it can be that much more, and I've been working out pretty regularly.  Maybe we've been eating out more often? I dunno, but it seems odd.  Good Lord, will all that work even last for a year? I genuinely don't want to be back in the same situation as I was...ever again.  *sob*

3) I've started Christmas shopping already, and I know it's too early, but I want to get it finished.  Last year we left it til the last minute and it made me hate Christmas. 

Don't get me wrong,  I love giving people gifts, especially if they are gifts that I think they'll enjoy. However, unless I start in like June or so, I always feel like I'm running out of time.  Blerg.

4) Steve and I have signed up to do a race together! Well, we are with a group of people from his work, but I'm excited! I'm not sure why, as it will require me to run, but I am glad to have another chance to do a race and this time I won't be by myself!  It's the Liz Hurley Ribbon Run, which is to benefit breast cancer research.  Boobs are something I hold close to my heart (rimshot) and I'm all about helping to make sure we help keep them healthy!  Specifically, the charity is using the proceeds to purchase 3D tomosynthesis machines to do mammograms. When I had a mammogram earlier this year, I was put in one of those machines and it was weird.  It's like they squash your boob into something off of Star Trek and take images.  It's a great thing, though, because it takes clear and concise images.  Not everyone gets to use them yet because there aren't enough of them, but I got lucky. 

Our team is called (Oy, y'all) Wall of Breast Friends - because the woman we are running in honor of has the last name of Wall - if you feel like donating. I'm not asking you to do that, though, but just FYI.

I hope no one makes we wear a tutu.

OH, Y'ALL.

Today I went to my first monthly maintenance meeting for the weight loss program we've been doing.

I. Hated. It. Exclamation Point.

I hated it so much that it's hilarious.  I mean that, I was on the verge of cracking up the entire time I was in the room, and the fact that I didn't do so is proof that I have some semblance of self control deep down.  This was how I felt about 15 minutes in:

via GIPHY

Don't get me wrong, I know it's important for us to continue going to these meetings. We need to be held accountable, we need encouragement and guidelines and all of that, and we need the resources to continue with the work we started, but geez.  The worst part of trying to lose weight, and I mean this universally and I'm guilty of it as well, is doing nothing but talking about what you're eating and how you're exercising, and how you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing. That kind of thing bores me into an itching fit.

That was literally what we did the whole time.  THE. WHOLE. TIME.

Granted, this was an entirely new class of people and we had to do the "go around the room and tell a little bit about ourselves."

via GIPHY

But honestly, I thought we'd been there for an hour and when I looked at the clock, we'd only been there for 20 minutes.  It was brutal.  We had to listen to this man describe every vegetable that he put in a salad.  I'm not exaggerating.  Instead of just saying "I eat salads with no meat" he listed off the entire produce inventory for Whole Foods. He also didn't know how to pronounce "cruciferous." One lady had to explain, in painstaking detail, her day and what she does in it and how she militantly doesn't allow herself to eat except on a schedule and that she asks to take home food from parties just so she can throw it away.  At least two women spent their time berating themselves, like, almost to the point of pulling out a cat-o-nine-tails (not the fun kind) and scourging their own flesh because they'd gained weight.  Steve, one other lady, and I gave a fairly abbreviated description of how we'd been doing since we left the main part of the program and the rest was just some weird self flagellation or grocery list recitation.  It was so uncomfortable that I came very close to getting laugh-in-church syndrome.  I kept trying to catch Steve's eye, but he wouldn't look at me because he was feeling the same way.  Oh, and the topper of the whole thing is that the lady just interrupted me while I was talking and then moved on, which really endeared her to me for life!  Haha.

I know that what we are in is basically a support group, and I know that these people need to talk, and I'm hoping that now that we know one another we don't have to do that part of it again and we can get to talking about nutrition and exercise and more helpful stuff instead of a group misery session.  If we don't, I'm not sure I'll survive . 

via GIPHY

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I like gifs! 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I lost a good friend yesterday.

He was a good man.  That doesn't seem like a very fitting eulogy for a person like him, but if you took all of the things he was and added them together, that feels like the perfect word to describe him.  He was GOOD.

He was the former Minister of Music at our church, only retired because he was diagnosed last last year with ALS, an asshole of a disease that progressed so quickly that he literally went from having a slight limp around this time last year, to being bed ridden and unable to talk when I saw him two weeks ago.  He had been an amazing musician (playing piano for many years of his life) a loving father of six (four of which were adopted from terrible homes and addict parents, and who all had varying levels of mental illness,) a grandfather of five girls he loved so much, and he was so funny.  We worked together for five years and made each other laugh constantly, which in my opinion, that is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person.We'd talk and confide in each other. We sang with each other a lot. We got each other in a way our other coworkers couldn't, even though he was old enough to be my father.  We were friends. 

I don't have many friends. That probably sounds kind of pathetic to state it so baldly, but it's the truth.  That is why the friends I do have mean so much to me and losing one hurts.  Part of me feels like I don't have the right to be too sad, because he wasn't my father or my brother, and there are so many others who loved him more than I did that my feelings feel selfish, but he was important to me and knowing he's gone is painful. He's the kind of man the world needs more of. I will miss him. Everyone will.

2) Just for the record, I know that my blog has recently seemed a little bleak and I'd like to apologize for that. I know that you don't come here to read sad things or get bummed out.  In fact, I know that you probably want to avoid getting bummed out at all costs. I mean, why deal with other people's unhappiness if you don't have to, right?  Well, I hope you don't decide to avoid my blog for good.  I don't mean to be bleak.  See, the world is beautiful and it has so many wonderful things in it that when the bad things come, it's like a load lands right on my shoulders and I don't feel like I have a place to put it down, except for here.  So, I'm sorry if I've been harshing your buzz, man. Heh. It just feels like there have been a lot of loads lately and I can only hold so much at a time.  Hopefully there will be less of them soon.

3) Actually a funny thing happened to me this morning.  I had to go to the doctor to finish getting my Hep A&B vaccination (the last shot!) and my flu shot.

Let me just pause here and suggest that you get your flu shot, either at your doctor's office or at a pharmacy. Protect yourself and others! (Shut up! I don't want you to be sick! I like you and don't want you to feel bad, OK?  Sue me.)

Anyway, our particular doctor's office makes you show ID and fill out forms every time you go.  I'm not sure why that is, but it's routine for them to hand you a clipboard after you walk in and tell you to fill out a questionnaire that you hand over to the nurse that takes you back.  Usually it's just one form, but today I got handed a stack of them and was told to fill it out and hand it to the nurse that would be giving me my vaccinations.  Well, ok then! The questions on the papers seemed kind of odd, but I thought that because our current doctor is about to leave the practice (thanks, lady) that perhaps we had to fill these out so that we could be placed with a new doctor that would decide who would be their patents due to the forms.  I literally had no idea, but they gave me forms and told me to fill them out, so I did.  Everything on them was fairly routine until I got to the question "Have you fallen in the past year? What caused your fall?"  I didn't answer that, because I was too embarrassed to tell them I was super clumsy.  Then it asked me if I could call for help if I needed to, and if I had weapons in the home, and if I suffered from dizziness.  There was a long list of questions about depression, and even a section labeled "Geriatric Depression."  I thought, what the hell, man!  I'm only 40!  I reasoned that maybe when you turn 40, you get put into some other kind of category, medically, so I filled out that part too.  The last page was the weirdest, because it had a blank space in the middle and said "Draw a clock face with the numbers in the correct places and the hands pointing towards ten after eleven." WTF?  Ok, I can deal with being asked if I'm depressed, and if I'm clumsy, but this seemed like, borderline condescension on their part. I drew the clock, figuring that maybe it was important for some reason. I even added some little curly-qs around the edges and put the hands in perspective, because why not. It wasn't the best I could do, but darnit, they wanted a clock and I gave them a pretty good clock.

When I was finally called back, I handed the clip board to the nurse and he looked confused and said "Did they give you a Medicare form? What? Why?  Oh, my god, did you draw the clock?"  I told him I did and he started laughing.  Apparently the woman behind the desk was new and had given me the Medicare paperwork that was supposed to go to the older gentleman that had checked in after me. The nurse took my paperwork out and showed the other nurses and the desk people and the doctor. It was, up to that point at least, the best thing that happened to him all morning. He even said that I drew the best clock he'd ever seen!

Then he got to give me a shot in the butt, so I got to make his day twice!  Heehee.

4) I hope you're having a great day, by the way!  (Hug) 

C'MON SON...

I am irritated. It's kind of funny, too, but still irritating.

Before I explain why, let me get this out of the way because it's the crux of the matter and it's already well documented how I feel about it.  Ghosting is a dick move.  The idea that it's ok to simply stop responding to someone because you don't want to deal with finishing out a conversation, or answer a question, or even end a situation is cowardly, mean, dishonorable, and shitty.  It just is.  I'm pretty sure we all feel that way, or at least we should, if we are decent people who were raised right.  That is awful way to treat another person, and the ONLY reason it would ever be acceptable is if you are in a situation where you might get hurt or get into a fight and need to walk away before things get out of hand.  It's bad, is what I'm saying, and people who use this tactic with dealing with other people are dickbags.

Doing that to another individual is bad enough, but to do it in a professional setting might even be worse.

OK, here is the situation.  It's silly church drama, so forgive me in advance.

For the past few months, our church has been looking for someone to fill an important position on our staff.  The vacancy came quite suddenly, so we've had to scramble to get all of our ducks in a row. A lot of people have shown interest, most of which were not qualified for one reason or another, but we finally found a person who seemed perfect for the job. He'd done similar work in the past, his references were good, his interview seemed to go perfectly and we were ready to move to the next step in the process when a monkey wrench got thrown into the mix.

Someone else comes along at the last minute who is also uniquely qualified for the job and asks to be considered for the position.  This person (forgive my vagary, but anything more specific and I might make someone mad if they were to stumble upon my blog) would also be good at the job, they are a member of our church, and everyone already knows them. The problem is that this particular person being hired isn't the best case scenario for our church for a few different reasons, but because positions like the one we are talking about are hired by votes from our church members, chances are that our church wouldn't even consider the first person and want to hire this second person simply because they are already familiar with them, no matter how qualified the first person might be.  It has become a thing, is what I'm saying, and it has caused a lot of confusion, people getting into business that they have no business getting into, and opinions are all over the place.  The gist is that having a candidate for the job that is not a church member, and who would do a great job, is important to give the church some perspective. So it has become a thing, although thankfully, not a big thing. Yet.

OK, so with that situation going on we had to go into damage control mode.  We had to call the first person and postpone them coming and doing a trial run for us until the the pastor could interview him a second time.  No biggie, obviously, so the pastor sets out to go and visit with him.  Can't find the guy anywhere.  The business this person is supposed to own is deserted, and the phone number on the resume is wrong.  Ok, fine...  We finally track down the person's phone number, call him, and he agrees to meet with the pastor after he finishes an errand he's running.  The pastor, who has driven across town to meet with him, waits in a restaurant for a couple of hours, only to finally call the guy back and hear "Oh, well, I got caught up in something. Sorry. Can we meet tomorrow?"  Could the guy have called the pastor and told him that he couldn't make it? Yes. Did he? No. So the pastor, understandably irritated, agrees to meet with him the next day and tells the guy pointedly to call him when he has a few minutes to talk.  The guy doesn't call.  At this point, I doubt he'll be considered for the job anymore and the other person will be hired by default. Great. Fine. Mysterious ways or whatever.

But still...here we have a guy, by all accounts a functioning adult man, interested enough to apply for a job, come to church to meet people - twice - and who was more than willing to come and do a dry run of the job to see if he'd be a good fit, simply avoid calling us back for whatever reason. Does he not want the job anymore? Did he change his mind? That would be fine, we'd leave him be if that is what he wants, but he needs to TELL US. Why is it that people feel that they can just stop responding altogether and that be all well and good.  It isn't!!!!!  We have put time and effort into creating the rapport and relationship with this man (again, a grown up, professional man) and he has decided that just noping out without an explanation is ok? That is seriously uncool, especially when he asked to be considered for the job in the first place and we have to go back and unpick all the stitches that we've put into place, and that's a pain in the ass.

I don't understand people.  Have we devolved so much as a society that some people think it's acceptable to blank out, not just in personal situations, but in professional ones too?

I don't understand people at all.  Doing stuff like that makes them look like such an asshole, and chances are, they are creating chaos somewhere. Even if they are a misanthropic person, they should have the decency to end the things they start. If nothing else, it'll guarantee the person/people/business/situation they don't want to be involved in will stop trying to contact them and they won't end up on someone's shit list.  I hope that you, whoever you are reading this, don't do this sort of thing. Be a good person.

And that is my rant for today. Thank you for coming. :)

AN UPDATE

Hey guys, this is an update on my brother's situation!  It's a good one, so don't worry. :)

Yesterday, mom took Tommy to see his doctor, who was concerned and upset that the hospice group they'd been using had dropped him as a client.  It is clear that, in his current condition, he needs to be checked on by a regularly visiting health professional. So the doctor made sure to immediately contact a new service to take on his case. That is a huge relief for all of us.

That in itself is good news, but to make it better, the particular hospice that the doctor chose to call gave my brother's case to the former pastor of the church my parents went to when my father was still alive. I remember the pastor (who I nicknamed Lieutenant Dan) as a very sweet man who cared a lot for my family, so to know he is familiar with my brother and his particular needs is a nice bonus.

So, although things are still not great as a whole, there are a few bright spots for now! Thanks again for your concern and I'll let you know more when there are more things to know.

AN EXCESS OF RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) For those of you asking about my brother, he did get to go home last Tuesday!  That is a really good thing, because he doesn't sleep very well when he's away from home and my mom won't let anyone else stay the night with him so that she can rest.  Being home is good for both of them.  Thanks for your prayers and concern, because even if I don't know the correct way to express it sometimes, knowing you care means a great deal.

Weirdly, the hospice group that they had dropped them as clients, because Tommy was taken to the hospital. I don't think that's fair, because he was taken to the doctor by direction of the hospice nurse, but they have strange rules. My mom doesn't seem to care much, but I hope she will reapply if she needs to. She is one of those types of women who will do everything on her own and not ask for help, even if it is too much for her.

So, silver lining is that they are home and can rest and be comfortable.  So please continue your prayers and good vibes, as they are still needed!  Thank you!

2) Steve and I have recently been adopted by a group of people who play trivia on Monday nights and it's been lots of fun.  We don't contribute that much, as the other folks there are very smart and have been doing the trivia thing for a long time now.  I don't know if we'd have a single thing in common with these people outside of the trivia setting, well, except for Anthony (they're all his friends) but they're all very nice people. It's still fun to have a thing to do, though, so I'm glad we have been included.  We've gotten first place all but twice every time we've played!

3) I have officially been moved into the "Maintenance" phase of our weight loss program, which means that I no longer have to go to the weekly meetings, just go once and month to be weighed and go to a new kind of class.  Basically, they don't think I'm going to lose anymore weight and so they put me on the program that is supposed to put me in a holding position so as not to gain weight.

I've been left to my own devices and I'm not sure I'm responsible enough to handle it!  As I was telling a friend, I'm the one who screwed up myself in the first place! I can't be responsible for it again!  Ahhhhhhh!  Haha!

I didn't reach the weight loss goal that was set for me, but I have gotten to a place I don't mind sticking to, if I can't lose any more. It's still a process, because I still make poor eating decisions and my weight fluctuates still, but hopefully I won't go back to the way I was, or even get close. I just want to be as fit and healthy as possible without getting weird about it.

4) I've got a question. Are you more or less likely to do a thing when someone asks you to do it as a "personal favor" even if that favor is slightly uncomfortable?  I'm not talking about anything weird, obviously, but, for example, if someone says "Can you do me a personal favor and tell me if I start being a nag?" would you do it? None of us want to be the person who tells a friend that they are nagging, because that sounds mean, but if that person has specifically asked for help recognizing when they're doing it and asked you specifically to tell them (as a personal favor) then would you?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well when I need something from someone else. As you know, my anxiety levels can be off the charts about certain things, especially personal interactions, and as annoying as it probably is, sometimes I need people to help me understand things outright and not just expect me to know what they mean. Otherwise, the way my brain works, I'm immediately going to assume the worst or most hurtful thing. This is not on purpose, this is literally a weird brain thing I have, so it's not meant to be annoying.

I don't ask for "personal favors" very often, and only from people I know well and interact with a lot, so I was hoping that expressing it that way would be enough for them to know it was something I really needed and not just a throw away comment. Is it not?  If I need someone to let me know something, even if it's not pleasant, how can I ask so that they'll do it?

Oh, and don't worry. I'm not aiming this at anyone specific. Me trying to navigate personal relationships by asking (and sometimes begging) for clarification of things outright, has been going on all of my life. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  Usually it doesn't because people are hesitant to tell me things that might seem harsh or that might be disappointing, even if I've made it clear that I would rather know than not.  My need to know how the land lies is integral for my mental calmness, so I wouldn't ask things if I really didn't want to know, even if the knowledge is hurtful.  Does that make sense?  How can I put it across that I need information so that I'm not sitting up at night wondering if I've made someone mad, or if they aren't telling me because I don't matter, or if I've done something wrong...blah, blah, blah. People just...not...letting me know things has been happening for so many years that I must be doing it wrong. What do I need to do?  Anyone?  Bueller?

5) Anyways, enough about that.  I hope you have a great day!  I HUG YOU! (HUG)