What Now

Have you ever said something completely in the heat of a moment because you were ticked off, upset, or sad and then realize that you didn't mean it or shouldn't have said it? I've come to that realization quite recently. I don't know if the person in question has ever even read my blog or my website, and I don't know that even if they did an apology would help, but I would like to apologize anyways. Let's face it folks, I'm an emotional half-wit. I don't always think before I say stuff and I let both my imagination and my emotions get the best of me. That, coupled with my "what goes on the Blog stays on the Blog" mentality, sometimes I say things I wish I could take back later. So whether or not this will help, and maybe this is more of an apology to anyone who may have read the mean things I've said and not just him, I'm apologizing.
After looking back at some e-mails I sent to a friend of mine, giving advice on their relationship, I realized what a hypocrite (what, democrat? heehee, kidding) I've been. One of the things I stressed over all was that once a person reaches a certain point, they have to stop blaming everyone else in their lives for the problems they have and take responsibility for their own actions. This is something that I haven't been doing and I've blamed someone else for my lack of patience, sympathy, and vicious defense mechanisms. In reality, I let getting hurt once in my life make me a total basket case. Instead of learning from the incident and moving on, I've let it eat away at me until I am, in the immortal words of Ouizer (Steel Magnolia Reference), "Not as sweet as I used to be."
The person in question is Kevin, the guy I dated in high school who turned out to be gay. I have to admit, I was/have been very bitter about the whole relationship. Now granted, he did treat me kind of badly at times, and yes I was disappointed a lot, but I should have had the insight and dignity to move on myself rather than to sit there and take it over and over. In reality, I believe I was just as much to blame for the way things turned out as he was. At that point in my life I was terrified. I was about to graduate high school, all of my friends were scattering to the winds, I didn't have a clue what was going to happen to me in the future. When I met him, I thought to myself, "Here is something I can control, here is something that is constant. As long as I have this relationship, everything will be fine." When it turned out that it wasn't like that, I guess I short circuited. I used him as an unwitting life preserver, without ever asking him if it was okay, and when he didn't behave just like I thought he should, I became unreasonable. I let that disappointment settle into my mind for so long that instead of gaining any kind of knowledge that could help me live better in the future, I used it as an excuse to strike out at anyone who I felt was going to hurt me, whether or not they ever actually did. So, to Kevin I apologize for blaming you for my hangups and for being bitter about things that should have been fogiven and forgotten a long time ago. To anyone else that has been affected by my inability to take responsibility for my own behavior, I'm sorry for that, too.
You're probably wondering why I would ever write all of this in a public forum in front of God, Bob, and Han Solo. I suppose it comes down to publicly admitting to being wrong. Maybe it's a little embarrassing to air ones laundry and to have your business all online, but to me, it's the first step towards making it better. And making it better is what I want to do. : )