BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: ORLANDO, FLORIDA, MARCH 13, 2020

Ok, hear me out...

We went to Disney World today. It was one of the things that we’d planned to do, the tickets were bought, and it’s literally Steve’s favorite place on earth. That’s not an exaggeration. It holds a lot of sentimental value to him and the trip there meant a lot to him. I felt very weird about going, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. So we went.

I expected that it wouldn’t be crowded, because things have been getting hairy with COVID-19 since we left Huntsville last Sunday and people were being told to stay home. I’d hoped that, if it weren’t crowded, then we wouldn’t be in as much risk.  As it turns out, I was very, very wrong.

People won’t go to work. People won’t go to school. People won’t go to church, the grocery store (except to hoard toilet paper for some reason), or to the mall. But people will absolutely go to fuckin’ Disney World. They will go and take their kids, their tiny babies, their old grandmothers and pawpaws. It felt like the whole state of Florida was in those parks with us not giving one damn about anything else going in right now. It was crowded beyond anything I’ve ever seen when I've been there. It blew my mind. 

 

I’d like to think it was society bravely giving the finger to danger, but what it really is, is misplaced priorities and bad judgement. I include us in that statement.

I can’t really throw stones, since I was there too, but I genuinely thought more people would have better sense than to brings kinds and elderly people into the parks, but I give people too much credit.

Look, I enjoyed the day as much as I could. It was hot, crowded, and loud, but it was fun watching Steve have fun, and he (knowing DW is not at all my favorite place to be) wanted so badly for me to have fun with him that I did my best to oblige. We rode in the Millennium Falcon and had blue milk in Galaxy’s Edge, we went all around the world in Epcot, and we went into the miserably packed Magic Kingdom and only managed to get on one ride before we had to leave. I did begin to lose my sense of humor about being there around the time I got packed into a queue line with roughly a million other people to ride Pirates of the Caribbean, and that was the end of our day. I just couldn’t deal anymore. We made one last stop at a shop and then hopped a bus back to the car to drive out to our final hotel near the airport.  

I had fun, I truly did, and I am so glad Steve had fun, but I’m not going to lie: I felt like an asshole for going to that theme park. I knew I was exposing myself to a potential illness that I could pass on to someone else, and it seems so dumb in hindsight. Earlier in the week, I didn’t feel so much that way, but after being inundated with everything going on in social media, and people getting asked to stay home from, well, everything, and finding out even Disney would be closing next week, in the end, I really, genuinely felt like an asshole for the possibility of what could happen. I still do.

Ah well, nothing can be changed now. I’ll have to deal with the fallout if it happens. I don’t expect sympathy if it does. Maybe I really am just an asshole.

Two funny things happened: 1) Steve and I were riding the sky bucket/gondolas things from one park to another, and four other people got into our pod. Since we are in the South, of course pollen was super thick there. I have awful seasonal allergies, and had taken medicine to help, but I got a tickle in my throat while in that pod. I knew if I coughed, it would scare those folks, so I had to stifle it. Have you ever tried not to cough? It is impossible! I finally had to turn to the people (who were eyeing me quite warily by this point) and say “Sorry! Don’t be scared! I swear I’m just allergic to pine trees!” They laughed and seemed to relax, but I felt so bad!  2) Steve and I had lunch at the Rose & Crown restaurant, which is located in the UK part of EPCOT. (Aside: will they remove England from that part of EPCOT after Brexit?) It was hot, and we were pretty dehydrated by that point, but I ordered something called a Welsh Dragon, which was electric green and mildly (I thought) alcoholic. Apparently, being dehydrated and drinking booze is a bad mix. By the time we were done, and in the Canadian pavilion “Circlevision” show, I almost lost the ability to stand under my own power. Luckily, though, I got a hold of myself before face planting in the theater. Also, just FYI, being slightly (or more) tipsy makes Disney much more fun! Hehe!

 

One very not funny thing happened and it was possibly karmic in nature. I wore a pair of baggy linen pants to the park. During the course of the day, they got wet (as pants do in theme parks with water and such) and I don’t know if it was a problem with the inner seam, or because of the way they fit, or what, but they chafed my legs so badly that it drew blood! Oh, dear heavens, I’ve never had that kind of pain with walking in my life before! It was like walking with knives stabbing me right in the thigh! If you ever want to know about places your body rubs up against itself that you had no idea about, let me know and I’ll let you know where to get pants like that! Youch. 

 

Tomorrow we drive home. I'm going to miss being in Florida, but I think I"ll feel better not having to go out into crowds for a bit until all the craziness dies down.

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: TAMPA, FLORIDA, MARCH 12, 2020

I decided that I was going to hang out at the Hotel today instead of driving anywhere on my own. It’s a combination of laziness, not wanting to drive in Tampa traffic (which is nuts), and not really knowing what I’d do once I was out there anyway. My main plan was to go to the beach, but since we went yesterday, and since I couldn’t really swim or have a place to clean up or anything, I’m cool not going. Plus, it means Steve will have the car instead of calling an Uber, so he can have a little more freedom while he’s at his conference. When I first decided not to go anywhere on my own, I felt like I was being cowardly, but after some internal searching, I realize I just want to be on my own today. I’m feeling hermity. Hehe.

I think it’s great that Steve got invited to speak at this event. He is considered a cyber security expert, so not only will he speak, he will be on a panel. I’m actually curious to see if many people will be there after all, though. 

I spent the day in the room watching Amazon Prime stuff, mainly. I did go to the vending machine at some point, but mostly just enjoyed myself in the room in various ways until Steve texted me with plans for when his conference would be over. 

The only thing of note that I did today was go have dinner at a swanky hotel restaurant with one of Steve’s coworkers and his wife, which was a lot of fun. It was the hotel where the New York Yankees and the Detroit Lions were staying during their spring training. Unfortunately, they had all gone by the time we got there because of their training being cancelled. BOO!!!! But we had some good food, fun conversation, and beautiful scenery anyways. 

 

Not a bad way to end the day! 

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: TAMPA, FLORIDA, MARCH 11, 2020

Today we didn’t know what we were going to do. Steve had to stop by a convention for a bit. He is due to speak and be on a panel discussion about Cybersecurity tomorrow, but he needed to meet with the lady who set up the conference to get some information. They have no way of knowing if people who signed up to be at the conference will actually come a5 this point, but the show must go on, I guess.

Since I’m going to be on my own for most of the day tomorrow, I asked Steve to go with me today after his obligations were fulfilled, so I’d know where the beaches are, in case I decide to drive out there myself while he was at his thing. I know that is what GPS is for, but I didn’t think it could hurt to have a dry run! 

We drove over Tampa Bay and into St. Petersburg. Well actually, we ended up in a place called Treasure Island, but I never found out if that was a town, or the name of a neighborhood. It was so cute! There were a lot of very well preserved, old hotels along the beach, maybe from the 50’s or 60’s? I dunno, but we drove around until we ended up in Madeira Beach, and Steve and I took a walk so I could find some seashells! That is one of my very favorite activities, so I was excited to do it. I found my firs pieces of urchin shell in the wild, and a few mostly whole pin shells!  We walked for about an hour and then drove around some more. We looked for cheesy beach shops to see what kind of awful souvenirs that were out this year, but surprisingly, we didn’t find much. I guess St. Pete must be a nicer sort of place? Eh, oh well.

Steve had a phone meeting to attend, so we came back to the hotel to get cleaned up, because after his meeting, we indeed went back to the Colombian Restaurant! We weren’t just going back for the food, but we were also went back to see the Flamenco show they have. It was so cool! It doesn’t look like a hard dance to learn, but I think that’s the trick. I know I’d never be able to do it! The dancers were very good, and we had a great time. The food was still excellent, although I ate way too much -but who can resist churros?-  and I’m very glad I was told about the place!

By the time we got back, again, we were so tired that we went straight to bed. However, we both woke up in the middle of the night. Not cool. Save the first day, this whole trip has been a series of being tired, and not being able to sleep well, which makes us tired, but doesn’t let us sleep well. It’s weird. It also doesn’t help that since I’ve been up, I’ve been inundated with panic posts/articles about the Coronavirus and now I feel guilty for not being home, hiding in my house. I’m stuck between wanting to be careful and wanting to live my damn life. Ugh. Well, we’ll be living our damn lives this week. People will probably think we’re a couple of assholes for that, I guess.

Sigh.

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY ORLANDO TO TAMPA, FLORIDA, MARCH 10, 2020

Ok, first off, do not judge me. 

Colleges are stopping in person classes in favor of online work. Conferences, concerts, and other large group activities are being cancelled left and right. People are now being urged to work from home. We’ve had friends lose hundreds of dollars by simply not going to events that they’ve already paid for because there would be a crowd of people in one place. It’s kind of crazy, but an understandable kind of crazy, because right now, no one really knows the scope, incubation, and transmission rate of the Coronavirus. All of this makes sense to me. But guess what we did today?

Universal Studios. 

Shut. up.

Ok, hear me out... yeah, I really don’t know why we did this either, but damn the torpedoes, I guess.*shrug*

If it sounds weird that we took a day in the middle of a work trip to go to a theme park (during a budding pandemic, no less)  it all came down to timing. Originally, Steve was going to fly down here today, and so had no work planned. At the last minute, a meeting with a client got added On Monday, so we drove down on Sunday, and with that out of the way, we had Tuesday (Today) free. Get it? Got it? Good! 

You’d think that, with the afore mentioned pandemic, places like Universal Studios would be much less crowded. To be fair, maybe it was, but it didn’t look like it. We didn’t have to wait in extremely long lines, but there were still a lot of people there. I spent a great amount of time trying not to touch railings, handles, and surfaces, and I took the chance to wash my hands whenever I could, but let’s face it. I was at a theme park in Florida. If I don’t come home with Coronavirus, there is a good chance I got measles or second hand syphilis from someone we stood next to in line. I don’t know. Half of me is horrified that we went, and half of me knows you can’t live your life terrified of what ifs, and the other half of me (I’m a big woman, so yeah) is wondering if I’ll get sick and die myself, or accidentally kill someone with germs and knowing I’ll never forgive myself if it happens.

We actually had fun, all things considered. We rode the rides, we visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (my fave) and just enjoyed the day. The weather was amazing, the park had a Mardi Gras celebration going on, and we got to eat at an award winning theme park restaurant! Hehe, yes, that is what the sign said! My food (I ordered gnocchi bolognese) was not so great. It tasted EXACTLY, and I mean exactly, like canned ravioli. This leaves me with two unsettling possibilities: 1) We paid theme park food prices (stupid high) for canned Italian food in a fancy plate. Or 2) If a trained chef, or cook, or whatever, wins awards for making food like that, we have not been giving Chef Boyardee enough credit for his excellent food! 

I was completely exhausted by the time we were finished for the day, so we stopped by Voodoo Donuts for some sugar and caffeine, and then it the road for Tampa, where we will be for the next couple of days.

We finally got there (it seemed to take forever) and then took some excellent advice and had dinner at the Columbia Restaurant, which is the oldest restaurants in Florida. It is family owned and serves Spanish food. It was delish, and we already think we will go back tomorrow to try some other stuff and watch the Flamenco show! 

Now we’re back and I’m so tired and ready for bed! 

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: ORLANDO, FLORIDA, MARCH 9, 2020

Steve had to go to work this morning. I was awake while he got ready, and so he explained Uber to me since I’ve never used it, in case I wanted to go somewhere. We are basically across the street from UCF, and maybe some shops, but I couldn’t think of anywhere around here I wanted to go that couldn’t wait until he got back. Once he was gone, I Basically I spent a cozy, sleepy, even slightly hedonistic morning buried in puffy hotel blankets and fifty giant pillows. Like God intended.  

Ok, actually, my hedonism got a little out of hand. I fell asleep again until almost noon. I regret nothing. I finally made myself get up and shower, so I could go get something to eat. I wasn’t hungry, but I knew if I waited, I’d end up hangry, and no one wants that. Steve actually got finished with his work for the day just after 1:00, so he and I had lunch together and came back to the room so he could finish some work stuff before a deadline.  

After he was done, we took a drive around where we are staying. Ostensibly, we were looking for a Publix so we could get a toll pass (hastared toll roads are everywhere) but we also stopped at a place called Kung Fu Tea and got boba. What I really wanted to do was go find the gift shop for UCF so I could buy a sweatshirt, but we never found it! If we did find it, we never found where we could park. It was so freaking frustrating. I mean, the campus is basically a series of concentric circles, so it shouldn’t have been hard, but it was. We basically followed the rule of “don’t make it hard for us to spend our money at your establishment” and we gave up. 

Today ended up being very chill and uneventful, but I didn’t mind. This isn’t a normal vacation, after all, and we have other stuff planned for the week, so it will get more exciting, I think! 

Addendum: My allergies have kicked in high gear. I don’t know what it is I’m allergic to, but I’ve been sniffing, sneezing, and coughing all day. I’m afraid that I’m going to get tackled by strangers and taken to a CDC facility before I can explain that I’m just allergic to the outside.

BLOGGED ALONG THE WAY: ORLANDO, FLORIDA MARCH 8, 2020

Since mid February, Steve has been traveling for work quite a bit. He was in California for a couple of weeks (he finally got to go to the OG Disneyland!) and was scheduled to fly to Orlando, FL last Sunday for a job that would keep him there for a week...as well as give him a chance to go to Disney World. Let’s not pretend that wasn’t on the table. Hehe 

Of course, we all know the panic the US has been living under for the past few weeks about COVID-19, and how the idea of flying has been collectively giving us all the willies, so as Steve was beginning to pack for his new trip, I casually mentioned that it was too bad he wasn’t driving. He’d done it before, lots of times, and although it’s a roughly 9 hour and change drive, he never seemed to mind it. Plus...being in a car alone reduces the chances some germ laden stranger would cough on him. I also, just joking, said that if he drove, I could go too! 

To my surprise, he warmed to the idea! Well, we warmed to the idea of driving, and almost immediately decided that would be what he’d do. Then, slowly, we started circling the idea of me going as well. Going along on someone else’s work trips can be a bit tricky. They will be working, which leaves you on your own during the day, usually without a vehicle. Plus, if there are meetings, or client dinners, that can cause some issues after work hours. We talked about me going along for while and, although he seemed amenable to the idea, I asked him Pointedly if he wanted me to go to make sure I wouldn’t be in the way, and he said “You can do it if you want.”

Ok, let me stop here for a moment and go on a tangent. If there is a phrase used in the process of making plans that I hate more than just about anything, it’s “you can if you want to.” That is as frustrating and non-commital as you can get, and if a person (like myself) wants to know how someone else feels about a particular idea, that phrase is completely loaded. Of course I can go if I want to. We live in America! I can do almost anything I want! However, I want to know if YOU want me to do something, and that is a completely different thing. I recognize that the other person is giving me the freedom to make a choice, which is good, but I also need feedback. I live in perpetual fear that I am going to end up someplace where I’m not wanted. That is not a joke. It is one of those weird glitches in my brain, but I have an actual, deeply instilled fear of intruding into things/getting other people involved in things they don’t want to do. I may be one of the few people in the world where you can say you don’t want me someplace who won’t get wildly insulted. Seriously, about ten years ago I went to a wedding that I asked if I should come, was told “you can come if you want to” and against every instinctive had, I went, and I haven’t ever been able to shake the feeling I crashed it. You can ask the groom if you don’t believe me. It plagues me!

Anyways, Let’s circle back to the subject. Hehe!

I did consider not going along, to be quite honest. When Steve goes out of town, there are certain activities I enjoy having the freedom to do. I can watch whatever I want on TV, eat when and what I feel like, go to bed at 7:30 just to watch Netflix under the covers until I fall asleep, as well as other stuff that I guess would fall under the category of guilty pleasures, but let’s be real, I don’t ever feel guilty about the things that give me pleasure! :) I’d even sent some feelers out to a friend about getting together, but hadn’t heard back from them yet. Sometimes it’s nice to have the house to yourself for a couple of days, but also, I do love a good road trip! I also love to visit other places and try new stuff, and although I would be visiting Disney World (*Forrest Gump Voice*) AGAIN, I decided that a trip was just what I needed.  

So that is how I found myself in the passenger seat of a rented Camero, driving south, and on an adventure! The drive somehow felt simultaneously fast, and as if it took forever. With our busy Saturday and losing an hour, I was running on three hours of sleep and in a state of half asleep almost the whole way. We stopped quite a bit for different reasons, and of course we washed our hands at every place we visited. My go to washing song is the chorus to”The Gambler.” If sung at tempo, it lasts 23 seconds, which gives you time to rinse! I was going to learn “Jolene” but that song makes me too angry. Gurl, if your husband is in love with Jolene, it’s your husband you need to talk to. Oy.

By the time we got to our hotel, I was on the edge of exhaustion. We went out for dinner (at an excellent Mexican restaurant with a mariachi band, and while the music was great, it was so loud. The trumpet player was right by our table, and I felt like he was slapping me with music!) and came back to the hotel* and went to bed. It was a long, but fun, day!

*The family in the next room have what sounds like twelve screaming kids in there. We called the front desk and complained because we could clearly hear everything they were saying through the walls. I felt like a jerk to complain, but it was either that, or try and sleep while their three year old screamed directly into the vent that went between our rooms. Thankfully, after someone from the front desk went to talk to them, they quieted down. Whew.

THREE THINGS

I'm afraid I've been kind of irritating on Twitter lately.

I don't know why I think it's irritating, exactly, except that I know some people tend to think any kind of (I'm having trouble thinking of the term I'm looking for, but when you go out of your way to be cheerful or whatever) is cheesy.  Maybe I'm projecting.  Hehe.

Anyways, I happened to be reading an article that linked to a Reddit thread asking about what things made people glad to be alive. I like things like that, because you can learn a lot about people and what they enjoy that way. There were a lot of answers, some sweet, some kind of...ick...but then again, it's Reddit, so you have to expect that. I decided to add my own two cents into the mix and instead of Reddit, I put them on Twitter.  Off the top of my head, I thought of these:

1) Walking the beach and finding cool seashells. 2) Slow, hot, deep kisses that set every cell in your body on fire. 3) Dogs. Sometimes cats. Mostly dogs.

Now, obviously, to me those are some pretty damn good things; things that aren't common.

As an exercise, that was kind of fun, but it also made me think about my everyday life.

I don't talk about it much, and that's for a reason, but I've been struggling a bit these days. When you're a kid, and you think about being a grown-up, you always think you'll have everything together.  Most people think they'll have a great job, lots of friends, family, money...whatever. If we're lucky, we might have some or all of those things, in one degree or another.

But no one ever really prepares you for how hard it can be sometimes, even for the most privileged of us. Don't misunderstand, I know that I have it better than 99% of the rest of the world (I think, I didn't check that statistic) but I'm not talking about material things. I'm talking about, just, life.

No one tells you how hard it is to go to work everyday (if you have a job) and do stuff that you aren't passionate about. My jobs are great and I'm beyond grateful I have them, but working reception and in office admin isn't what my heart wants to do everyday. The fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up scares the shit out of me sometimes. I should have some idea, shouldn't I?

No one tells you how lonely it can be when your friends are all over the place and how bitter it can make you. Not bitter at your friends, obviously, because it isn't their fault, but bitter at the universe for taking them away. Of course, you can always go out and make new friends, they say, but it's not the same as having the people you love the most, the people that are a part of your heart, out of arms reach.  Sometimes it feels like you're holding a bunch of balloon strings as tight as you can, but every once in a while one slips out of your hand and it breaks your heart because you can't catch it no matter how hard you try. I'm so glad for social media, and texting, and other things like that, because I've been able to keep my friends virtually nearby, if not physically.

No one tells you that sometimes you'll just be so freaking BORED. That you'll try to find a million things to do to fill your time, but sometimes you don't want to do any of it. You'll wind up sitting on your couch, looking at the internet, or staring at the TV and not really paying attention. If anyone had ever told me that one day I'd rather stay in bed with my iPad all day rather than making something, or going someplace, I'd have thought it was a lie, but it happens sometimes. Also, I never knew that there would be times when the only thing to look forward to would be eating, and how that has wreaked havoc on my physical self. I mean, dude...

But all that being said, it doesn't mean my life is bad. I have a pretty good life on the whole, actually, and I'm glad for that. I also know I'm not the only one who feels that way sometimes. There are days, though, that feel so heavy and gray and as flavorless as old gum. I struggle with depression sometimes, and I know myself well enough that if I can't shake my brain loose from it, I'll sink way down and stick there for weeks, only really living in fits and starts. During this time of year (and for some reason during the month of June) it's easier to fall into that than other times, and recently I've been feeling that way more than usual. Is it a mid life crisis?  Maybe. Who knows?

So, I've said all of that to explain why I've begun trying to find at least three things every day that make me glad to be alive. Some of those things are big, but most of them are tiny, seemingly insignificant, things that no one else might ever notice, but they add just a little light into my day. Sometimes it's a message from one of my far away friends, sometimes it's ice cream, and sometimes it's talking to the nice lady at my gym that makes my workout feel faster. I put them on Twitter because I hope that someone else who might be struggling, can be reminded that little things in their own lives can be really great things too!

I also hope that, if you're reading this and you're feeling down, that you can find three, or even just one, thing every day that makes you glad to still be here. They're out there, I promise.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

1) Wow, so Happy New Year! *Fireworks

It feels like it shouldn't be 2020, yet here we are, over two months in. Sorry for the delay. Honestly, you have missed very little.

I didn't update anything during December of last year because I was busy almost every damn day.  I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it wasn't.  The first day I had to myself was December 26th, and I didn't really even have that to myself, but it was the first day of that month that I didn't have to go to work, church, to some kind of gathering, or anything like that. I mostly slept.  It was amazing.  Christmas was great, however. I got to spend it with family, which I love dearly, although I missed my friends that are scattered far and wide. Being an adult sucks sometimes, because where you might have once had dinner or coffee with a friend, caught up for a bit, said Happy Holidays and all of that, there is no time for that anymore. We are all in our own spaces and places, and while that is understandable, I still miss seeing them in person. Social media creates a pale shade of friendship sometimes, but we take what we can get these days.

2) I also didn't update anything in January, because not much of note happened then, either.  Seriously, I just had to look at my phone to see if we actually did anything during the month. Haha! Of course you know the saying, pics or it didn't happen! 

I was actually reminded that we did go out for new years eve. Steve, Anthony, and me went to Noccalula Falls Park because they had the whole place strung up with lights for Christmas, and since we'd never had time to go during December we went that night. It was weird and trippy and so much fun!  It was like someone on acid decided to decorate their yard for the holidays. There was a little train that circled the place and a petting zoo with a lemur! (We didn't get to pet the lemur, damnit, but it was there and that's what is important.) I suppose it sounds kind of childish, but we had a really good time. The drive up there was fun, as journeys with friends usually are, and on our way home we had dinner at the Boaz Waffle House. I'm fairly certain we shared the evening with a meth dealer, because Boaz Waffle House. We got home, literally, just a few minutes before midnight, toasted, and went to bed. It was a fun evening.

Oooh!  Steve and I also got to go to this thing at the SpRocket (ptooey) called the Mad Scientist Bash, which is, well, a mad scientist themed fundraising party where the money goes to sponsor STEM programs. Steve's company bought some tickets, and since he knew I was always ready to wear a costume, he said we would go! It was a lot of fun, and we looked so cute!  BEHOLD:

We had to go to a legit medical supply place to buy our lab coats, and trying to explain to the lady who was helping us why we needed them was a little weird, but she had a good sense of humor about it. It was slightly swanky, costumes notwithstanding, and I have learned that this kind of thing is full of people who have money that they can toss at a fundraiser all willy-nilly. A lady at our table threw out $1,800.00 on something she probably can't even use during the auction portion of the evening, and while that isn't a lot of money in the larger scheme of things, it is a lot to bid at an auction on a whim. She asked if we were going to bid on anything and all I could do was laugh nervously. I've never sat so still in my whole life. I couldn't even scratch my nose! Other than that, we had a grand old time. 

There was one thing that kind of, well, it didn't hurt my feelings exactly, but it irked me.  I haven't worked there in 10 years, but there are people still there that worked with me for years and years. People that I went to dinners with and hung out with outside of work and all of that. I saw a lady I've known for I don't know how long, and stopped to say hello, and she had no idea who I was. This is someone I considered a friend and she didn't have a clue. I have seen her and talked to her several times since I left the place, even, so for her not to know me was weird. Eh, well, maybe she didn't recognize me because she didn't expect to see me with Huntsville-society-old-money-people. Haha! 


3) I have been working a lot, which is another reason I haven't posted much. Working at the church, at the cybersecurity office, and doing my freelance work makes for one dull boy...uh, I mean, Kelly.  By the time I come home from work, and if I don't have any graphics stuff to do, I usually turn my brain off. I need to stop doing that, or I'm going to become a pudding brain. I haven't done any of my hobbies in months and months! I have good intentions, and I make trips to Hobby Lobby for supplies that end up sitting on a shelf, but one day I'll get back to it!

All of my jobs are currently going well, though, although I've cut my time at the newest job in half until the new contracts open up in a month or so. I still really like my new boss, and I haven't had to travel again, but I've come to realize that I actually enjoy office admin work I do there. I'm on the ground floor, so eventually as the business grows I'll move on to something else, but I'm having fun helping her get started and organized. Also, I love her dog Henry. :)

4) My birthday was wonderful this year, thank you for asking. Everyone I love the most in the world was a part of it in one way or another. I got to have lunch with my mom and sister, which was fun. I also decided that, since I went to the trouble of buying a cocktail dress for a party that I didn't end up getting to go to, that I would wear it on our day out. I was a big, chubby, green sequined disco ball of a person, and I don't regret it a bit! I was a glorious land-dwelling mermaid! I got to at least talk/message with my friends that I couldn't see in person, and one of them made me a video that I loved wholeheartedly, and it was just a very good day. I hope I have many more birthdays just as nice. 

5) This morning, I had a very bad anxiety attack at the gym and had to leave less than three minutes into my work out. I am SO PISSED OFF. Y'all, I hate that I have anxiety attacks. They make me feel scared and weak and helpless and I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS. I hate every single second of them. I'm actually kind of glad that I am angry about it, because angry sure beats the hell out of scared. My newer medication usually take care of them, but I've had a couple attacks recently that have knocked me flat. I don't know why the meds have off days, but there you go.  What makes me even madder about this morning was that I really need to be able to go to the gym. No, really, I do. I have gained back every pound, plus extra, that I lost on that horrible diet we did in 2018 (which I will one day talk about when I'm not so embarrassed about it) and when I am motivated enough to work out, I need to do it. I literally ran out of the gym and hid at home. Stupid brain making stupid crossed signals!  I am a powerful sea witch, you guys! I don't have time for anxiety attacks!  Grrrr.

6) So I think that catches us all up! I know you haven't been holding your breath about what I've been doing, but I do like to check in now and again so that you know that, as of this writing at least, I am still alive. I hope you're still alive too!  I mean, I guess you are since you're reading thing, but I hope the being alive continues. For the both of us. I want us all to be alive for a good long time to come. You know what I mean. I'll quit typing now.

7) WAIT! One more thing.

I hug you.

I HAVE A THEORY

I have this theory that all of our weird, irrational fears come from the way we died in other lives.

For example:

My fear of heights: I probably fell out of a tree or down a mountain or something.

My fear of suffocation: I was probably murdered by a jealous lover in my sleep or buried alive by a jealous lover. (Honestly, I'd be disappointed if I wasn't murdered by a jealous lover in one of my past lives, so LET ME HAVE THIS, OK?)

My fear of suddenly dying: I probably suddenly died, like, at a baseball game in front of thousands of people.

I have others, but I'll spare you.

Anyways, I figure that if reincarnation could possibly be real, then all the stuff we are afraid of that doesn't make sense comes from things that made a big enough impression on us at another time, and what could make a bigger impression on us than something that kills us?!

I know, this is a hell of a way to resume blogging after all this time, but honestly, I just needed to write that down and I figured I might as well share my wisdom with all of you fine folks! :)

Also, I started another entry weeks ago and haven't finished it yet, so this is what you get right now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND STUFF!  *Fireworks!*


PS: Please don't tell the preacher I'm thinking about reincarnation. He'd disapprove.

I CONQUERED THE CAVE AND IT CONQUERED ME

Well, that was an...experience.

As you might remember, back in September Steve and I signed up for a 5K race and I totally failed it. It was close to 100 degrees that day, I was apparently dehydrated, and I managed to get heat exhaustion not even halfway through it so I had to stop.  It sucked, man, and I was very upset with myself for not finishing.

It wasn't long after that, that the same racing outfit decided that it had been so popular that they needed to have another race at the same location in November, and in a burst of inspiration, Steve decided that I should redo the race so that I could finally finish it and not have it hanging over my head anymore. So he signed both of us up for it. He told me that this time he would stay with me the whole time and make sure I finished it. He is a much faster runner than I am, and I knew that meant I'd be holding him back (which I wasn't thrilled about) but I mean, I genuinely thought that was a very sweet thought and gesture, so I agreed.

I wasn't thrilled at the prospect, though.  Almost falling out at the earlier race had actually scared me a lot more than I had realized at the time. I don't usually get dizzy and fainty like that, and the experience had really unsettled me. Knowing Steve would be with me on the course helped, but also knowing that it could happen again (maybe not the heat exhaustion since it was in November) made me afraid of trying.

In the meantime, I signed up for and ran/walked another 5K in October. There is a big to do here about breast cancer research, and there is a race every year to benefit the charity that Steve's company does. I was afraid that I wouldn't finish that race either, but I did manage to do it.  I couldn't run very much, though. I can't seem to catch my breath enough to run anymore. I also realized that a big part of my anxiety stems from the fact that I can't seem to BREATHE enough! Ugh, I hate that feeling so very much.  Anyway, I made it through that, which helped, but the closer I got to the November race, the more anxious I became.

Y'all, I literally had nightmares the night before this race. Like, stupid ones. I dreamed I went to the bathroom and ended up starting the race 10 minutes late, then found out the race was more like an obstacle course and I had to figure out these weird puzzles before I could advance to the next part. Then when I got to the final leg of the race (everyone was on roller skates by this point) I couldn't figure out which way to run, and I couldn't find the roller skates. I finally started yelling at the judges (?) and started saying that I couldn't find the skates, and one of them removed a hidden panel on the wall to uncover the skates. I started screaming "HOW THE F*CK WAS I SUPPOSED TO FIND THEM IF THEY WERE IN THE WALL????!!!!" only to then be told the race was over and I wasn't going to be allowed to finish at all.  That's about the time I work up and realized that I was taking the whole thing WAY too seriously.  Hehe.

We had to leave the house at the crack of dawn to get to the state park and it was absolutely pouring down rain the entire time.  I hoped that it would stop by the time we got there, but alas, I was disappointed. The second I stepped out of the car, I sank into an ankle deep puddle.  So, out of the gate I had wet feet.  Somehow, defying physics and hydrodynamics as I understand them, water was running and standing everywhere regardless of elevation, incline, surface, and grade.  Seriously, there was no place to make a path. You had to just walk through water no matter where you stepped. We found a small tent near packet pick up, and that sheltered us a little, but we were already soaked from walking there. We finally decided that we should just stand out in the rain to acclimatize us to it.  That sucked.

The 15K runners left 15 minutes before we did, and we finally got to start on the trail. Oh, did I mention that this was a trail race?  Yeah.  I can't run on pavement, but we were going to be in the woods and shit. Nice. Once we started I was able to run a little, but then my breath seized up and I had to stop and walk. Steve was as good as his word, though. He stayed by me even when I had a mild panic attack as we were walking.  I broke through that, and finally found my stride.  Fast walking in the gentle rain wasn't so bad. However, about the time we reached the next trailhead, the bottom fell out and I couldn't see.  Steve had to pull me into the tree cover before I could open both eyes again (I was afraid my contacts would wash out.) Oh, and that trail was a special kind of hell.  I don't know how, on the side of a freaking mountain, you can have standing shin high water, but it happened. Mud sucked at our shoes as we stomped our way down the trail, trying to find purchase and not slip on any rocks.  Steve was ahead of me, but I managed to keep up if only because I wanted out of that trail so badly. I twisted my ankle three times, almost lost my shoe, and said several curse words before we made it out of the woods. I had nature all over me and I was unhappy.

The rest of the race was mostly on paved paths, except for some reason we had to go across a field. It was mostly underwater, so that cleaned some of the mud off at least.  The big hill that got me last time was cut from the race, but we still had to go up a fairly steep service road before we finally made it to the cave!  It was here that I screwed up a little.

The race is weird because there are people going both ways on the walkway inside the cave. Directions are that we are supposed to stay to our left, no matter which way we are running, so no one runs into each other.  There were two pathways into the cave, one on the left and one on the right, but I saw the people in front of us run to the path on the right and stay to the left of that path.  Does that make sense?  Steve directed me to the left path and no one was on it, so I said I didn't think we were going the right way.  Heh, damn, this is confusing.  He swore that we were in the correct place, but for some reason he listened to me and we joined the other (right) path and headed in.  In about a minute, I realized he had been right all along because I hit the timing mat going the wrong way and saw the clock register my name and a time that defied anything I could have actually done.  Well, crap. Also, just after that a guy saw us and said we were going the wrong way, and Steve said we were following everyone else. The guy said "Don't Follow Anyone Else!"  Wow, thanks guy. Glad you were standing halfway in the cave to tell us that.  Ugh.  At any rate, I got to the back, got my glow stick (proof you went all the way in) and made it out and got my medal!  Woo-Hoo!  I actually finished the race in 1:07:43:12, but the official stats say I finished in 42:02:17.  Going the wrong way on the course is the only way I'd ever get a time like that.  I feel like I should tell them my time is wrong so that the rankings will not be skewed, but I don't know if it matters that much.  Hehe, it feels like stolen valor, though!

I was so glad it was over when I got out of the cave. Everything hurt and I was soaking wet, and I realized in that moment that no matter how much I wish I was good at running, I don't think I ever will be. I know I could spend every free moment running and working up to things and getting better, but it would take more work that I think I want to put into it.  I mean, I could beat my body into submission, but would it make me hate running? I like running, I wish I was better, I like crossing finish lines, but I don't know if I want it bad enough to make it my hobby, and I think I would have to.  Granted, I know that the shape I am in now (which is round. Round is a shape) I need to be doing something, but I don't know if running is the thing I want to do. That makes me a little sad, but I'll figure something out, I hope. We'll see.

Oh, and there are photos from this race, but I will never, ever show them to anyone. First off, the pink and gray ensemble that I chose for the occasion was a bad choice. I looked like a giant, wet, morbidly obese, raw turkey wearing muddy shoes. My hair was pulled back so tight that it looked like I was bald underneath my wide hair band, and worse....oh worse...  Forgive me for being crude, but nipples.  I was cold, and my sports bra was apparently no match for my headlights.  Every single picture of me prominently displays them, and trust me, it isn't cute.  I am going to keep the photos though, so I can look at them and remember that day, but only so I can laugh. Hehe.

All of the unplesantness aside, I did finish the race, and I'm proud of that! Even if Steve had to be my seeing eye person, and sometimes pull me up a hill.  I might be undignified, but I am a finisher this time. Since that Saturday I've been sore, exhausted, and realized just how out of shape I have become, but damnit, I finished my race!

BLOGGED AFTER THE FACT: CAPE CANAVERAL, FL PART 2

OK, so where were we?  Geez.  I have a lot going on.

So my boss and I arrived at the Cape Canaveral port while it was still dark outside. This place is usually where cruise ships dock and take on their load of travelers, but today it was outfitted with a million little booths and tables for all of us who would be pimping out our businesses.  'Cause that's what we were doing.  Haha!

We got to our booth and set up our swag and flyers, and then schmoozed around with other business owners as we waited for the trade show to open. I really had no idea what to expect.  Well, I've been to trade shows, and I got a tiny taste of what it would be like at a much, much, much smaller venue here in town, but this was on a grand scale that I wasn't sure about.  Angela told me all I really needed to do if someone came up to the table was talk about our company.  Trouble is, I still had no grasp as to what our company really did!  That sounds terrible, but if you consider I only work there part time, and I generally do office administration stuff, it's not that surprising. However, after the doors opened to participants, and I listened to her do the spiel a time or two, I got the gist and was able to talk about what we do.

I could give you a play by play of the trade show, but you'd be terribly bored.  Let's sum it up by saying I talked earnestly about things I didn't quite understand, I joked, I complimented people's outfits, I visited other tables, and flirted with old men.  It was like customer service and marketing on steroids, and I can do that!  I was there for hours, and I stood up and talked for so long that by the time we packed up our booth to leave, my feet were swollen and I was dehydrated to the point of delirium.  It was actually kind of fun, though! 

Afterwards, Angela had a meeting she had to attend, and she said I could go with her, but that it wouldn't be anything I'd enjoy. I said I would indeed not enjoy it, so she drove me to the beach!  I was still in my business casual dress, so I'm sure I looked a bit out place around all the people in swim suits and shorts, but I didn't care.  She and I had a drink with some other people from Huntsville that she knew in the industry (I just nodded and smiled and made nonsensical jokes, per my usual) and then Angela left me there to relax.

I realized pretty quickly that Spanx and hose are not a good combination with sand and humidity, so I trekked over to some shops that were near the boardwalk and bought a bag to hold all of my stuff, a water bottle, and pretty much got mostly naked under my dress so that I could enjoy the rest of my time there!  And I was there for, um...longer than I expected.  I didn't mind, of course, because I love walking along the beach, but I had to keep myself in a pretty small area so that I wouldn't miss her when she came back. I finally had to find a bench and sit until she arrived. I think a group of teenage girls thought I was a creepy adult, because I sat next to the sand volleyball court and watched them play for about an hour.  Eh, well, what else could I do?! 

By the time Angela came back, I was starving, so we went to a pier restaurant, had dinner and then headed back to the hotel.  Haha, we actually got lost along the way, though, and it took us over an hour to find our way back!  We saw the seedy underbelly of Orlando that night, I tell you. By the time we got back, we only had a couple of hours to sleep before we had to get up again to catch our butt-crack-of-dawn flight back to Huntsville.  BTW, my room was roach free when I got back, so one point for me!

We had to leave by 3:00 AM to catch our flight the next morning, so by the time we got to the airport, got patted down (thankfully I didn't get another pelvic exam by the TSA agent) and boarded the plane, I was all but unconscious.  I think I probably snored and maybe drooled on my seat mate (sorry, man) but I made it back in one piece by 8:00 AM that morning and went home and went straight to bed! 

All in all, I actually really enjoyed the experience, even though it was confusing and exhausting, but I think I learned a lot about how the business development side of the defense industry works, so next time I'll be a little better prepared!  Who knows?  One day I may get to schmooze you!  :)

BLOGGED AFTER THE FACT: CAPE CANAVERAL, FL : PART 1

OK, you guys, this trip was a quick one and I'm still trying to recover!  Oy.

Tuesday evening, around 5 o'clock, Steve dropped me off at the airport for my very first, official, real-life business trip! Woo! I know I sound overly excited about it, and in a way I guess I was. I don't know why exactly, because it wasn't like I was going on vacation or anything, but saying that you're going on a business trip sounds awfully grown up and professional.  Those are two things I rarely get to say about myself!

Anyway, so Steve dropped me off and, since I'd already checked into my airline online, I went directly to security.  We are very lucky to have such a small airport nearby. While it's a pain in the ass that we can only fly directly to just a few cities, the silver lining of it is that it doesn't take any time to get through the unpleasantness of being scanned and x-rayed.  Well, usually.  For some reason I set off the scanner. Not only that, but when I looked at the body outline on the screen, the portion of my body that seemed to be questionable was (and forgive my indelicacy) was my crotch.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Kelly," you're thinking "there are better places to store your iPhone." You are correct, which is why my phone was in my purse. I genuinely couldn't think of any other questionable object that might have gotten lost in there over the span of the day, so I expected the TSA agent to get the woo-woo wand and do a few swipes over my person to make sure my crotch was weapon free, find me innocent of any devices, and let me go on my way.  Alas, that was not what happened. The nice TSA agent said that I needed to be patted down, and she explained in (almost) full detail about what she was going to do.  As I was wearing a trapeze dress for travel comfort, my considerable form was shrouded in a rather shapeless mass of cloth, so I figured that a good pat down would ease their minds. So I submitted.

Y'all...I've been patted down by security before, but this was the first time I ever got to third base with a TSA agent. Yikes. I'll say no more about it, except to say I thank God that I'd pregamed with my anti-anxiety meds before getting to the airport, because I think that was the only reason I managed not to faint in the process.  And just in case you're concerned, there were no liberties taken by this agent, I promise. From what I could tell, it was all by the book. I just didn't expect that my own "book" would be thumbed through, if you catch my meaning.

In due time, myself and my boss, Angela, got on the airplane and took off towards Florida. I'd been told we were going to Tampa, but found out a few days before it was actually Orlando that we were headed to. Eh, that was fine, although it was disturbingly close to Disney World.  We made it to our Hotel after 10:00 pm, and I grabbed some dinner at the hotel shop and enjoyed it, as well as the complementary cookie, in my room before passing out from near exhaustion.

We had to wake up early, and by early I mean by 4:00 AM, to be able to get ready in time to go to Port Canaveral, where the trade show was taking place. Everything was fine as far as that goes, except for one thing: Since I didn't have a napkin when I'd eaten dinner the night before, I'd wiped my mouth and hands on one of the washcloths from the bathroom. I'd placed it on the TV tray the night before, but when I went to pick it up to put it in the bathroom so it would be taken out my housekeeping, it was moving. Yep, there was a big, German roach having a field day on that washcloth. I've been in a lot of hotel rooms, both nice and questionable, and I've never seen a roach crawling on stuff in any of them until that moment. You'd be proud of me, though.  I didn't scream, or panic. I steeled myself and very gently picked up the washcloth so that I could shake that little hastared into the toilet and drown his wretched soul, but the minute I picked it up, it disappeared.

*SHUDDER*

I don't know where it went, and I didn't care. I got out of there ASAP, and I told the man at the front desk about my little visitor. I guess I could have made a fuss, but there was no point. I asked that the room be sprayed and cleaned, and went on my way.  Bleh.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I know, I know. I don't write here much these days. I don't mean to neglect ye olde blog, but as I've mentioned, things have been kind of boring. I work, I eat, I go home, and once I'm there, I don't do much of note. That sounds kind of sad, actually, but it's fine. I'm sort of in a rut, I guess you could say. I need to get back into doing some things I've been neglecting, but it's a process. We all have our processes, right?

2) So, the biggest news I suppose is that I have a new job!  I also have my old job. I'm also still doing my freelance graphic design, so I have two and a half jobs! It's all very confusing, I assure you. In addition to my job at the church and the graphics, I have also been hired to work with one of Steve's colleagues at her new office!  I am an office administrator, or assistant office administrator (which is weird, because there isn't anyone other than the CEO I'm assisting) or maybe I'm an Admin Assistant. I really don't know, because we haven't landed on a title yet. The business is an IT/Cyber Security/AI kind of deal, and I'm eventually going to be running the office while other, smarter people do important computer work for other, bigger companies.  Basically, I'm doing the same type of thing that I do at the church, only I'm allowed to drink during lunch breaks!  No, seriously, I think it might even be encouraged. :)

I didn't set out to have more than one job. The new job was intended to replace my church job, but it turned out that being the very first non-contractor for this company (which I'm not naming because I don't know if anything I say on my blog might embarrass anyone) would require training that my boss would have to be able to do, and she's so busy that she doesn't have time to do the amount of training I need all at once. So we're doing it in bite size increments! In 6 months, we will reevaluate my work and go from there. So I'm part time office help for two offices!

What I like the most about the job (other than the fact that my new boss brings her dog to work and I love him) is that we have an office downtown in one of the historical buildings that has been outfitted as office space! I can't be 100% sure, but I think our particular office space used to be a bridal shop back in the day. I can't find the history of it online, but I'm still looking to find out for sure. Our floor has been separated into strange, uneven office spaces, but you can tell it was a part of something else at some point. We have a set of stairs that literally goes to a blank wall. I love working downtown, because we are right next to the swanky, hipster area that has been revamped for the influx of young professionals being lured to town with all of the new jobs. We can walk in any direction and be in a coffee shop, a restaurant, a neat little shopping area, or the courthouse square. It's all very cozy.  I'm sure the novelty will eventually wear off, but for now, I like it a lot.

So I'll keep you posted as things progress! Now my main concern is trying to remember what I'm supposed to do at two different jobs. I'm not sure my brain was made to handle that much.

3) Steve signed me up to do a redo of the race that almost killed me last week. He said "You're going to finish this time!" which I'm not sure if that is encouragement or a threat, but I'm game. It's not until November, so at least it won't be as hot! I just want to get the medal. I'll be honest, I like winning things. Medals are kind of a silly, borderline useless thing to have in the house, but that changes nothing! I WANT IT.

4) My weekend was fine, thank you for asking!  It wasn't at all what I was expecting, but honestly, no weekend ever really is.  One of the best things was, and I kind of hate that the food was the best part, but was breakfast on Saturday. Steve took me to a little hole-in-the-wall BBQ joint on the edge of town. It's literally inside a gas station, but the barbecue is excellent. We had something called a Boarhog biscuit, which was pulled pork, an egg, and cheese on a giant, homemade cat head biscuit. It was excellent! I was skeptical, because I'm not one to eat barbecue for breakfast, but it was better than any breakfast I've had in years. If you're ever in town, I'll take you to have breakfast there so you can try it!  If you don't want me to go with you (which is understandable) I can at least give you the address so you can go! Eat One Before You Die!

I DIDN'T QUITE CONQUER THE CAVE

Oooh, y'all.  I'm so embarrassed. 

About two months ago, Steve told me that he had signed us up for a local-ish 5K race. That isn't a thing that we normally do, of course, but this race was special because a mile and a half of it was inside a cave. Neat, huh?  

Since it had been nearly a year since I'd done a 5K I decided I needed to practice, and although it was tough to begin with, I was getting better. I wasn't great, by any means, and I was slower than last year, but not by a lot. I was much lighter and in better shape last year too, but I didn't think it would be difficult to get to a point where I could run/walk it in a decent enough time. I've done 5K races before, and I even did a practice one to check my timing to make sure I could finish it in the time allotted for the actual race, and I did in plenty of time.  That probably doesn't sound like much, but since I don't employ a coach, I did the best I could on my own.

We set out to Cathedral Caverns state park, where we were in the 4th wave of a race called Conquer the Cave 5K. It started on a half mile stretch of road, which you had to run down and back, then go up a monster hill which would lead you into the cave and then you would go to into the very back of that, and then back out of the cave to finish. 

Because so many people signed up, we couldn't all go at once, and since we had signed up so late in the game, our wave wasn't set to start until 3:30 P.M.  I started getting ready the day before to prepare, making sure I was drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, and that sort of thing. Well, I did what I thought I needed to, anyways, which had never steered me wrong before, but I think I did something wrong because it didn't take long before I knew I was in trouble.

First thing was that it was hot. I mean, it was middle of summer hot, and I don't think anyone was expecting that. I want to say it was 97 degrees?  Maybe not that hot, but it was miserably hot and bright, and the first leg of the trip was flat and unshaded. I actually started out pretty good, and had a moment of thinking "hey! I think I can run further than I ever have, today!" but right after that, I started to feel like I was in a furnace. It felt like all moisture in my body was suddenly gone, and I actually had a moment where I thought about asking someone to pour their water over me. I didn't do that, figured it was just because it was hot, and I trudged on.  I had to switch to walking, because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even my breath felt too hot. I made it to the turn around, began to walk back and it all got worse. I was genuinely afraid that I was going to throw up, or pass out, and I desperately didn't want that.  I made it to the first water station and got some water and poured it on my shirt, which helped a little, but it didn't last long.  The hill was what got me. It's not easy to go up a steep hill anytime, but it was so damn hot and I was getting dizzy and I was panting too hard.

I didn't want to stop, but I felt so sick I didn't have a choice. I finally had to wave down one of the hay ride trucks that were taking people from the earlier waves back down to the parking area and get in. The people on the truck were very kind, and they gave me water and got me to the paramedics. I don't know if I needed the paramedics, but they checked me out, said I was ok, and told me they thought I could finish. I didn't go far before I had to admit to myself that I wouldn't make it and I had to quit. I felt like I was on fire from the inside out. I was the last person in the race by far by that time, and I was so shaky that I had a hard time holding my water bottle. I had to flag down the paramedics again and ask to be taken back down the hill. I was done. It was humiliating.

Once I had a few minutes to wallow in my shame, I decided to catch a ride on one of the hay trucks up to the cave so that Steve wouldn't have to look for me when he was done and I realized when I got there that I was the only person who didn't finish. Old people, kids, people much more overweight than me, they all made it and I didn't. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. Well, at least not until I got back to the car. I was much better once I had a chance to cool off, but I hadn't been able to make it up the hill. I'd been working hard to make it to this stupid race and literally, all I wanted to do was finish it. It was only a 5K, and I couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself and embarrassed that I didn't talk much on the way home. All I wanted to do was lie down and forget the whole day.

I don't know why I feel like such a failure. My body, for whatever reason, just wouldn't do the thing. I know, intellectually, that not pushing myself harder than I could handle was smart, but I had been so convinced that I was going to do this dumb race and finish it that not doing so was a mental blow.

Anyway, so I boofed it. I couldn't even do a dumb 5K. I still don't feel well this morning, so who knows what was going on inside of my body, but it doesn't make me feel like less of a failure. I was the only person out of hundreds not to finish the race. Hehe, well, at least there's that!

At any rate, I have another race set for next month, so hopefully I'll do better then. I hope so, at least!  Gotta keep trying, right?

You know, I came here to write about something personal. It's nothing bad, or worrisome, not really, but it's something that has been weighing (heh) on me for a while.

I just can't do it yet. I know that sounds ominous, but it isn't. I'm just having a hard time trying to write about it without A) garnering a thousand eye rolls, and B) sounding like an idiot and C) expressing myself badly.

Have you ever had that?  You'd like to express a feeling, but can't figure out how?  It sucks, I tell ya.

Anyways, I'm only writing this because I was here in my dashboard and it felt like I shouldn't leave it blank.  I'll figure it out eventually.

Anyways, hope you're having a great day! 

YIKES

I may not be very smart. 

Yesterday, I was at work alone and I had to leave the office for a few minutes to load a Power Point presentation into the sanctuary computer. Before I left, I looked at the security monitors to make sure there was no one outside that needed to be let inside before I was out of the room.

I saw a van acting weird in our parking lot. By weird, I mean that there was a van in the middle of our parking lot in an odd position. People do park there during the day from time to time, as people feel safe stopping to make a phone call or answer a text in a church parking lot, but they always park in a space and they leave after a few minutes. This van was in the center of our lot, then it would move forward about 20 feet, then it would stop, then it would go another 20 feet and stop. It caught my attention. So I opened the desktop version of our security software (I always feel very CSI when I use it) and I watched as the van approached my car, stopped as if someone was looking at it, then began circling my car. I thought maybe it was someone trying to figure out if they knew my car. It has fairly distinctive stickers on the back, but other than that it's fairly common  and non descript. However, they just kept circling and circling, getting closer and closer, and then they'd drive around the parking lot again, only to come back to my car and stop after circling it again.

I've only seen a car do this kind of thing once before in our parking lot, and it ended up with three windows being busted out. As I had just paid more money than necessary for my car to be fixed last week, I was feeling protective of Brunhilda Fahrvergnügen and didn't want her getting violated.  So I did what anyone would do. I grabbed the bat that sits behind my desk and ran to the back door with it. I'm not kidding, I was honestly about to go outside and attempt to f*ck someone up for messing with my car.

I'd like to pause here to clarify something. I realize that to say I was about to go outside and use a bat on someone sounds like I'm trying hard to sound tough or bad ass. This is not the case. I joke a lot about using my bat to hit people with, and I joke a lot about throwing things and shouting at people, and while I do get the urge from time to time, I'm not really a violent person. It takes a lot for me to act on any sort of confrontational physical tendencies, and usually by the time I get to that point, I'm either crying in frustration and can't see well enough to do it, or I manage to control myself. If I do act on it, I usually only throw stuff across a room and that is a petty way to handle anger and I always regret it. As I said, I am not a violent person as a rule, but just like anyone else, I can be pushed in that direction.  However, taking the time to write about it on Twitter (which is my go to) gives me a second of clarity before I do stupid things.

I only say all of that because in that moment, I was genuinely about to go outside and do it. I don't know what was going on in my head, or why I thought it was a good idea, but the thought of some punk-ass neighborhood jerk (and we have lots of them here) messing with my car flipped a switch in me that doesn't get flipped often. Luckily, before I could do anything, I realized how stupid I was being. What exactly was I going to do when I got out there? Was I going to hit someone with the bat, for realsies?  WTF was I thinking?  Holy crap, y'all, was this some kind of severe PMS or something? I don't know, but thankfully I stopped, and when I got a good look at the van I saw it was a teenager and his mom, practicing driving.  We have such a big parking lot, and it's usually empty, that I guess people do stuff like this all the time. It just so happened that the driver was using my car as part of his homemade, SpongeBob Squarepants-ian driving course.  Can you imagine how scarred that kid would have been if some bat-wielding, crazy haired, land-locked sea witch came flying out of a church to beat his van windows in?  I mean....

Also, what if it hadn't been someone innocuous?  What if someone HAD been about to break into my car? I imagine that if they were going to do that, they wouldn't have a problem getting the bat away from me and hurting me before I could do anything to them. I could have been hurt, or hurt someone, and I have no idea why I immediately went into Mr. T "I pity the fool who messes with my Jetta" mode in the first place!

I suppose it's anticlimactic and all, because nothing really happened, but have you ever had a moment like that, where all common sense left your body? I think that I must be in constant state of high alert while I'm here at church, because there is a genuine chance that someone from around here will do something stupid to our property, but that is no excuse for dumb-assery of any kind.

I was going to include the security video of the moment I realized I was about to be an idiot, but the less you actually get to see me be an idiot, the less likely you are to remember me being an idiot. Haha.

Oy.

VICE

I have a shameful secret. I shouldn't even talk about it on here, but I think I've kept it to myself long enough.  I hope that the repercussions don't spread too far and ruin lives, but I need to talk about it.

I can't stop watching these horrible, gross, slime videos on YouTube. I mean, I don't indiscriminately watch slime videos, and trust me that is a weirdly prolific genre, but just one "creator's" version of slime videos.  The channel is called "Lena Slime" and this woman (I assume) makes clear slime, and then smushes makeup into it.  I know that description doesn't really sound terrible, but trust me, it is.



You don't have to watch it, but just in case you're curious of what I'm talking about, there you go.

I accidentally found this channel when I was on Facebook. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but if you watch a video on Facebook, they try to keep you watching videos (and therefore ads) by scrolling down to another video, and another, and another. One of these popped up and I thought I'd see WTF it was, and this is what I was shown. After I started watching them, I couldn't stop. I even subscribed to the channel.

The Shamalanian twist about this, though?  I hate the videos. I don't just hate them, but I'm actively disgusted by them. I don't care than this person is wasting makeup, which seems to be the biggest concern in the FB comment section, but I hate it because it's gross. I am grossed out by the sound of the squishing slime. I am grossed out by the fact that she mixes all manner of different textures of waxy, oily, powdery makeup together into a big disgusting paste inside whatever slime is supposed to be. I can somehow mentally FEEL the mix-matched lumps of stuff and it makes my skin crawl. I am also weirdly disturbed when she puts the "wrong" color into the slime - as there is always a theme - and I am completely sure that the end result has something else mixed in to make the colors so homogeneous and for some reason it makes me mad.

There is only one thing I like about these videos, and that is the one moment when she is through destroying makeup, she curls the sides of the clear slime up over the mess in the middle and for a very brief moment it looks like a ball of really pretty, dichroic, blown glass. That's it.

So why do I watch it?  I'm not sure. The only explanation I have been able to come up with is that I can turn my mind off while I'm watching it and I don't have to think about anything. I just watch this woman crumble up makeup and my brain is free to roam at will. That's not always a great thing, especially in my head, but I don't have to focus on anyone talking about politics, or bad things, or people getting shot, or anything like that. I just wish I didn't hate the videos so damn much.

So if you can think of some type of restful, brain unplugging, non gross thing I could be watching instead, please let me know.

Thank you for listening.

BLERF

I am stressed.

Not, like, super stressed, but a fairly constant, low level kind of stressed that is like having a slight headache that I can’t shake. It’s not even about really big-deal type stuff, either, and it’s all stuff I have zero control over.  It’s just a lot of small things that are suddenly happening all at once, and I don’t feel as if I can get a good grasp on any of it. It’s a cumulative thing, I think.

I wish I could be like some of you and give zero fucks about everything, but alas, I was not wired that way. I have a three fucks minimum. Hehe!

Ugh, sorry. I don’t want to sound complainy. Genuinely, I don’t even know why I am mentioning any of this, as it just makes me sound whiny, and I know you have little tolerance for that. I suppose I could just delete this, but I’m not gonna. I’d like to think if you read this, you must care a little bit about me, so maybe you won’t mind me mentioning it.

It’s one of those times when all I want to do is curl up in someone’s lap and get petted until I figure it all out. Metaphorically, of course. Unfortunately, I don’t have any laps.

Ok, so let’s just get through this day and if you could spare some good vibes, I’d appreciate it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta pull myself together and be gangster for a bit.

NEIN, ICH BIN KEINE BANANE

So far, this has been kind of a shit day. 

I mean, it hasn't been terrible by any stretch of the imagination, and it could certainly get worse, but it's been one of those days where little things keep happening that just build up and keep the day from being as awesome as it should be. I woke up not feeling well but had to come to work anyway, I'm still waiting for a response from at least two people I need to get in touch with and cant seem to catch, my car had some kind of seizure and I couldn't turn it on, or off, because the computer got stuck somewhere in the middle, I had to drive the truck (which is a non-air conditioned adventure in itself) and I have had to listen to my coworker bitch for a solid, everlasting, two hours. You've been there right? 

But I don't want to dwell on any of that. Seriously. I know that doesn't sound true since I just outlined all of it, but I did that to kind of purge it out of my brain. I also wanted to put out some good vibes to you lovely people to counterbalance my own weird karma today.

So I hope your day is better than mine has been so far.  I hope your lunch tastes awesome and your tea is perfectly sweet. I hope your dogs and cats behave themselves and no one throws up on your carpet. I hope you get to kiss your sweetheart hello and/or goodbye, at the proper intensity and as often as you like, and the fact that they're wearing lip gloss won't matter at all. I hope your favorite movie comes on and you get to watch it in it's entirety uninterrupted with your choice of pants or no pants and the snacks of your choosing. I hope you get to make your vacation plans, that you find that thing you lost, that you get to go home from work early, and that you get that text you've been waiting for. I hope you run into that friend you've been missing and get to have lunch with them, that your bike ride is epic, and that you hit all of the steps your fitness tracker seems to think you need. I hope you are suddenly struck with a wonderful memory that you haven't thought of in a while that makes you smile and laugh spontaneously while you are coming back from lunch so that other people see you and wonder how you can be so happy just walking back to your office. I hope the doctor visit results in good news, that the package you've been waiting for gets delivered early, and that you are having a really great hair day.  And finally, I hope that if you decide to get naked, either by yourself or with the person of your choosing, that your time is well spent.

I genuinely mean all of those things because, whoever you are, I want you to have an amazing day.

I hug you.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: HELLO AGAIN!

1) I didn't realize until a day or so ago how long it had actually been since I've written anything here. I mean, it isn't as if I have ever written on my blog every day, but geez, it's been...well, it's been a long time. Part of it is because I'm lazy, part of it is because I've been trying to write something that is difficult for me to express (nothing at all bad, FYI, just kind of personal and I need to find the right tone for it) and partly, actually mostly, because there is very, very little going on worth talking about! 

So I come to you today with some notes about my recent life and to assure you that, as of today at least, I am still kicking. You're welcome!

2) A couple of weeks ago, Steve and I were supposed to go to New Orleans for the weekend. It was just a quick trip for a couple of days, but we ended up cancelling it because there was supposed to be some kind of music festival going on and the town was going to be packed.

Honestly, New Orleans is a crowded, hot, and sticky place even at the best of times, and to think about going during some big to-do was unpleasant for the both of us, so we decided to reschedule.  Probably should have gone since it flooded again a week later!  Haha! 

It all worked out, though, because that Saturday we took an impromptu trip up to Gatlinburg. I had no idea that it was only 4 hours away from us.  Every time we've ever been, it's seemed like it took forever to get there. I am always game for a road trip, so we jumped into the car and did the thing.

It was hot, sticky, and crowded, but not New Orleans below-sea-level hot, sticky and crowded!  We had fun! We just walked around, went to a moonshine distillery for a tasting, visited the Star Cars museum, and had lunch.  Honestly, that was all we wanted to do, so then we headed home!  It was a good day!

3) Sara came into town and spent July 4th with us! Yay! She was actually here to visit her dad, but we hijacked her and took her to Guntersville with us to watch the fireworks.  Anthony was supposed to come with us too, but he punked out. BOO!  We never really have a plan when we go out there, so we spent most of our non-sitting-by-the-lake time going to different stores to buy snacks and walking around. We also ate at a restaurant called "What the Crab!" because you can't go to a place where a restaurant exists called "What the Crab" and not eat there. It's the law.

The fireworks were fun and I wore a plastic sea-shell bra I got at the Dollar Tree (over my shirt, don't worry) and we gave the kids around us glow sticks and bracelets and all kinds of fun stuff that we'd gotten that day, so it was a good time. Now I need to go visit Sara is Dallas.  We will have shenanigans.

4) Tomorrow night we are going to the Dancing in the Streets party in downtown Huntsville! It's the 50th anniversary of the moon landing and there have been all kinds of things going on in town since Monday.  I'm not sure what all there will be to do, but Steve, Anthony and I will be there to do it. I don't know if Steve will dance, but Anthony probably will. He dances like no one is watching. :)

It's funny, because I was actually at the 25th anniversary of the moon landing when I was 16 years old.  For some reason, volunteers from our marching band were there either running a concession stand, or handing out souvenirs, or something.  It was a big party in downtown Huntsville and we were there, and Grass Roots performed, and there was indeed dancing in the streets then too.  Of course, at that point, I had very little idea about the moon landing and what it entailed. I knew it had happened of course, and that it was a big honking deal, but I didn't know any particulars about it. I think that I can appreciate it a lot more these days, so I hope it's something memorable!

I still haven't taken off my dancing slippers, Mr. Von Braun!

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) We finally finished watching Game of Thrones!  It took us a lot longer than it should have, but Steve had to travel and he had band practice and he didn't want me to watch it without him.  Also, I don't know how to access the server where our shows are stored because it needs to be as complicated as necessary to watch television in our house for some reason.

My thoughts: - I liked it a lot more towards the end than I did when we started it, although you can tell a marked difference in quality where the original material stopped and the television writers headed out on their own.  - There were a lot of naked people on the show. Like, a lot. It didn't bother me, exactly. I mean, sometimes I'm a naked person too, but it seemed like more than was strictly necessary at times. Granted, it was on HBO and I think that's kind of their thing. I suppose it's just a fact that sometimes you can get people interested in something if you make it sexy and then hope they stick around to find out they like the rest of it on it's own merits. -  The scenes with the wights were intense, claustrophobic, and sometimes completely overwhelming, even for me as a person who likes zombie stuff! I loved it! - Bran was useless. I don't know why they made him king!  I mean, yeah, he knows everything that was and will be, but haven't they seen Minority Report? Knowing the future doesn't make someone fit to rule. -  Also, dangit Jon Snow!  He could have kept him mouth shut, right?  He didn't want to be king of Westros, so it's not like his true identity was important.  Sure, maybe he didn't want to keep sleeping with his aunt, because gross, but there are a million different reasons he could have given her for stopping that stuff!  He could have given her any one of the million bullshit reasons men give women when they are done with them, or ghosted her like a jerk, but he picked the absolute worst thing to tell her.  Usually I'm all about people telling the truth. I insist on it, even. But when you're dealing with a potential crazy person with megalomaniac tendencies and big scary dragons, I'll give you a pass if you want to give her the old "It's not you, it's me" speech.  UGH.

As much as I hate to admit it, though, I think I identified with Daenrys a little too much. Were I in her place, I might not be so different. I'd have the best intentions, want to free slaves, and make the world better, but I can definitely see myself letting the power go to my head and just losing my shit. Add to that being rejected by the man I love and who knows? I might even dracarys the crap out of a city!

Haha...no, I'd probably just eat the dragon in the end. I'm an emotional eater. Drogon wouldn't have stood a chance. :(   

All in all, though, I enjoyed the ride. I can see why so many people enjoyed it!

2)  I am very discouraged with my latest freelance gig.  had three different jobs in May, which is a lot more than I usually have at a time.  One job was big, one was medium, and one should have been fairly easy.  I finally managed to finish the big job after a lot of back and forth with the client, and the medium job was finished once I had all of the pieces, but the little job is what has me frustrated.

I completely misunderstood what my client wanted. It's my fault for not understanding what he asked for, but he said he wanted me to redesign his business card. I took that to mean he wanted to change everything, including the logo, so I spent all my extra freelance time coming up with 4 drafts of the card. I used pieces of his old logo as place holders until we could figure out where to go from there and sent him all of the drafts, keeping my fingers crossed that I'd come up with something at least close to what he was looking for. I was way off base.  He just wanted me to make him a simple card with the existing logo and his info, which should be one of the easiest things in the world to do.  He was very kind about it, and told me exactly what he needed, but I feel like such a tool.  My client is new, but he is a former teacher of mine who is throwing work my way to help out my side hustle, and I was hoping I would, at the very least, look professional. Now I look like I can't even follow simple instructions. I'm still working to send him what I think he wants (VBS week has kept me busy) so hopefully I can get him what he wants, but stuff like this makes me question my ability to do design at all.

It's a good thing I already know I'm talented. ;)

3) This time last year I was counting down the days for our trip to Spain/France!  That was such a fun trip!  Good grief, that feels like it was a whole other lifetime ago. I was 30 pounds lighter and a big chunk of my family were still alive, so it feels like it happened to a completely different person, anyway. Haha! I kind of miss having something exciting like that to look forward to!  Ok, that sounds kind of depressed, but you know what I mean. I miss the anticipation of going on an adventure, I suppose.  As much as I love to travel, it's not like I want a big, complicated trip every year or anything like that, so I don't need that. I just enjoy that sense of something exciting to look forward to.  Who knows?  Maybe on my way home I'll turn left instead of right and have an unexpected adventure, kind of like Frodo!  You never know, after all! :)

4) There was more, but I can't remember what I was going to talk about. That's no fun!  I'm sure it was amazing and I'm sorry you didn't get to read whatever it was. 

via GIPHY

Haha! Dear God, I'm so tired.