RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) OMG, you guys, my oldest nephew is getting married! He proposed to his sweetie last Sunday and will be getting married this Sunday! Apparently they just want to do the thing small and quick with immediate family around, so I will not be there to see it.  I'm not bothered by that in the least (you know my feelings about weddings and all of that) but I told my mother - who will be there- to tell them the day of that I'm completely devastated that I wasn't invited and will not leave them anything in my will. Kind of like Maleficent, but with less cursing and sleeping and more petty malice.

I need them to believe I'm secretly rich so that they will take good care of me when I'm old. Nothing motivates people like a potential inheritance.  

Hehe, also, her name is Kelly. That makes three Kellys in our family now. Me, my step sister, and now Logan's intended. I told mom they can call me Tae to alleviate confusion, but I think that will only cause more confusion. Christmas will be fun.

In a week, both of my nephews will be married men. *SNIFF* Why do they insist on making me feel so old?

2) Y'all, I dyed part of my hair blue last night and it was a bad decision. It wasn't proper dye, so I didn't have to bleach anything, but still... 

I bought something called "Color Depositing Conditioner" which is kind of like a stain and it's supposed to be temporary. I was going to go damn-the-torpedos and just dump it on my hair, but out of an abundance of caution I did one of those inner-elbow allergy tests and realized immediately that it was a very dark, very hard to remove stain. So I put it aside for a while. Then, last night, I got bored. I didn't want to dye my scalp a dark blue (that happened before with some red dye and was a bad look) so I just did a couple of stripes on each side, under the top layer of hair to see if I liked it. It...well, it was not a good thing. It dyed my hair, but it's not a stable dye, so it's very patchy and now it's faded in some places, and in others it's a dark blue green. I suspect by Friday, the gray hairs that are currently blue will be a nice seaweedy green-brown color.Very sexy.

I'm not saying that my hair will not eventually be a fun color, but maybe I'll let a professional do it. 

3) The other day I saw Sara's dad, and he brought me some pictures that she'd had boxed up. One was a drawing of a moon that I did for her in 1996, one was a framed picture of Steve and I, and the other was one of our senior photos that we had made together. That last one was wrinkled and dog eared and had probably been hidden for a while, because after she lost so much weight, her old pictures were not allowed to see the light of day, but I'm very glad I have it. I'd like to frame it, but she'd hate that. Haha. 

I wish I could have had a piece of her jewelry or something. I know that sounds greedy and weird, but I don't mean anything expensive or valuable, just something I could wear and keep close. Is that weird? It feels like a weird thing. Plus, I can't go to her dad and say "Hey, let me root around in her jewelry box and pick something out." Eh, well, I don't really need anything like that. 

I might still frame that picture, though. She'll probably haunt my bones! 

4) You know, I had like three other things I was going to talk about, but I can't remember any of them. I'm sure they were very clever and entertaining. I'll come back if I think of them.

IT’S ALWAYS TOOTH HURTY HERE…GET IT? TOOTH HURTY. HEH.

 Thursday morning I (finally) got to go have the procedure on my tooth done. 

I only say finally, because it seemed like a long time to put off having an abscess taken care of, but the endodontist went to many years of school to make these calls, so who am I to question it? It had actually stopped hurting, so I had a very slight hope that maybe it had gone away, but no such luck.

I had Steve drive me to the appointment because I requested having nitrous during the visit, and although I know I could probably drive home afterwards, I didn’t want to take a chance of being woozy and trying to drive. I was being conscientious, ok? Geez. 

The procedure itself was uneventful, I suppose. I have only vague impressions of someone drilling into my jawbone, thank goodness. I guess it was pretty routine, except that he was only able to do half of it. I don’t know if it was worse than he thought, or if it’s normal to do this kind of thing in two visits (I get the rest of it done in July) but it took less than an hour to drill it, fill the abscess with medication, and slap some dental concrete on my crown and send me on my way. It didn’t even hurt that much, but then, half of my entire face was pumped full of the stuff that takes all the feeling away. Seriously, it was hours before I could feel my lips again! I was even able to go to a Trash Panda baseball game with Steve’s company before I started to feel any pain.

Oh, but the pain was waiting on me. Y’all…when my nerves recovered, I felt like I’d been punched repeatedly in the face. The doc prescribed pain meds, and even though they were the kind you have to show ID to get, they did nothing! I was hurting so badly. Friday and Saturday were spent just trying to manage it, and floating somewhere in a codeine haze. I feel like I must be a huge weenie dog because I can’t seem to get over the hump on this, but even today, Sunday, I woke up in enough pain to keep me home from church with my face on ice. I’m trying very hard not to take more of my pain meds than necessary. Opiates scare me, even the relatively weak ones I was prescribed, but I know I’ll need them at least once a day until they’re gone so I can function until this gets better, because I still feel like I was slammed face first into a wall.

Thankfully, I think it maybe getting a bit better. OTC stuff is helping more today, I think, but my face is also numb from the ice pack, so we’ll see! I hope it is, at least, because another month and a half of this without relief, and I will go insane AND I WILL TAKE YOU ALL WITH ME!

There is no clever way to end this entry. Just send my face some good vibes, if you don’t mind. ;)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) Y'all, we went to the fanciest wedding reception I've ever been to in my whole life the other day!

Now that most people around here are getting vaccinated, and going to outside events is becoming normal again, a friend of ours finally got to have her wedding reception! She was supposed to get married last June, but couldn't have the wedding where they could invite all their friends, so they postponed it until October. October came, and again, they couldn't do the big to-do because we weren't out of quarantine yet, so they went ahead and had a tiny, family-only wedding and postponed the big party until vaccinations were more common. 

Now, these people are rich. I know that sounds gauche for me to say, but they are. Like...really rich. That is important to know so that you can understand the scale of this party.  When the original wedding was being planned, the bride's mom began redoing her property to have the wedding there. We had never been to her mom's house before, so we didn't know what to expect. She lives in a rather rural part of North Alabama, and driving through there was like driving through any other country neighborhood so I thought maybe I'd misunderstood and it was going to be like a backyard party, with just lots of well dressed people.

I was very wrong. When we got to where the GPS told us to go, there was a long driveway that was blocked off and a field to park in. There were golf carts with drivers to take us to the actual party, and showing up to the house was like unexpectedly arriving at Hogwarts Castle. It was this big, beautiful stone house overlooking the valley. When she mentioned redoing the backyard, she didn't mean she planted some shrubs, I mean she resculpted the lawn, dug a lake, laid down paths...that kind of redoing the property.  On the other end of the property there was a massive white tent, a dance floor, a freaking bandstand, and little satellite places with flowers, bars, booze, food, a photo booth, waiters/waitresses bringing around drinks and food and cotton candy and party favors. It was like nothing I'd ever been to before.

I don't mean to sound in awe of the thing, because receptions don't have to be big or fancy to be fun, but it was hard not to be impressed. But all that fancy stuff aside, it was a really fun party! I don't know if it was that people finally felt comfortable getting together again, or what, but we had a blast. Steve even danced! He NEVER dances! We didn't stay very late, but we enjoyed ourselves very much.

2) Steve, Anthony and I went to Nashville to see an art exhibit by Pablo Picasso. It was at the Frist, and it was a lot of fun! 

We got to Nashville around 11:00 Friday morning and had some time to walk around and get lunch before our tour. I will never understand why that city has become a mecca for bachelorette parties. Honestly, from the time we parked our car to the four blocks we walked to get to Broadway, we saw no less than four bachelorette groups walking the same way, and when we finally got to the main street, there were countless more. Granted, Nashville is a city I've been to dozens of times, so I'm sure I take it for granted, but why would people travel from out of state to go to Nashville for something like that? Vegas (tacky, tacky Vegas) I understand...Nashville, not so much.

We had lunch at a place called "Ol Red," which I think is owned by Steve's man crush, Blake Shelton. It was loud. Like, really loud. There was a live band in a relatively small space, so if you wanted to actually have a conversation with the people you are eating with, you're kind of out of luck. We had to shout to be heard, so that sucked, but the food was good at least. Hehe, we did have a small SNAFU at dessert time, though. We each got a different dessert so we could share with each other. You know when you see "To Share" on a dessert menu, usually that means it's slightly bigger than a normal dessert and they bring more than one spoon or fork. Apparently at Ol Red, when they say "To Share" they mean you have enough to share with a softball team. It was a truly alarming amount of dessert. When the waitress brought the platters to us, she looked concerned and so did we. We tried to share with the tables around us (we didn't touch the food with our hands or anything, but people are understandably hesitant to share food with strangers) but ultimately we had to take it home with us. Even after splitting it into two to-go boxes, it still took Steve and I three days to finish our share. So, you know, if you ever eat at Ol Red, just get one dessert for the table. That is more than enough. Geez.

The exhibit was a lot of fun as well, although I was reminded about how irritated I get at Picasso. I don't know why, really, because I don't mind cubist works (although it can be confusing to look at) but I think he is kind of a cheat. See, he was a very talented painter. His early work was more traditional, and beautifully done, and if you look at his progression to cubist work, his stuff is still lovely. Even his more straightforward cubist art is nice. Then he just got weird and stuck with that. I know that's just my opinion and there are people smarter than me that could explain why I'm wrong, but I think he did some avant-garde stuff, the right hoity-toity people said it was awesome, and we ended up with an "Emperor's New Clothes" situation. A lot of his later work is weird, if not down right disturbing. I'm not saying he wasn't talented, but I think he was like "I'm going to make this picture as ugly as possible and people are still going to love me for it." I dunno, it irritated me. It still irritates me. I still enjoyed seeing his work, though, because any time you get a chance to see famous artwork you should, even if it's just to see what the fuss is about. Some of it was nice, other stuff made me angry. But I suppose that's what art is all about, right? Eliciting feelings, even if those feelings are that you want to punch a hole in some of them. Ha!

3)  I need a haircut. I don't want to get one. I love having long hair, but I do not know HOW to have long hair. I'm constantly getting it caught on things and it gets all tangled and crazy looking, and I have split ends, but I still don't want to bother with it! I kind of love the fact that, for a year, we all went slightly feral with our appearance. I mean, I could have done without the weight gain, but I like pandemic hair! I think people look better slightly shaggy! I'll be sad when everyone looks put together again. Well, except for me, I don't think I'll ever look put together, but I never really have so it's ok!

4) I ordered a box of perfume samples from a company that I generally can't afford to buy perfume from. I thought it would be fun to try all the fancy smells and see which one I liked and maybe save up for a bottle, but I think I'm in big trouble. Almost all of the scents are vanilla based, which I usually don't gravitate towards, but they all smell so delicious. I've decided to wear one a day and see which one I like best. My favorite so far is Vanille-Banane, which smells like fancy banana pudding and I'm in love with it. Today I'm wearing something that has the word cacao in it, and it also smells divine. I keep sniffing myself, which is weird, but I don't care. I smell like dessert and I am loving it!!!!

BAD LANGUANGE! EXPLETIVES!

 DADGUMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About a month ago I was eating dinner and there was something hard in my food. The bite of food just so happened to hit right on the only crown I currently had in my mouth and it hurt so bad. SO BAD, YOU GUYS.

I thought that the pain would go away, and it did for a bit, but it came back and was persistent enough that I decided not to be stupid (like I was in 2006) and go ahead and go to the dentist in case I had cracked a tooth or something. Why? Because the last time I ignored a dental problem, for 2 years, I ended up getting a root canal which was horrible and which was the beginning of the shit year that was 2008. Granted, most of my problems that year were not because of my root canal, but the association is embedded in my head. 

SO...I go to the dentist and they tell me I have an infection (sorry if that's gross. It's not a, you know, festering mess, just a painful tooth) in my jaw and that I'd need to go see an endodontist and have it looked at. Why? WHY? Because it was the same effing tooth that had been root canal-ed and they might have to do something called a reversal, or maybe a retrieval, which means redoing the root canal. Why? I DON'T KNOW! Because my stupid tooth wasn't done giving me shit, I guess. 

Apparently it's just been waiting, watching, and biding it's time again. I've apologized to the tooth! I told it I was sorry for not taking it seriously back in the day. I've taken care of it, cleaned it, flossed it, given it fluoride, but for all intents and purposes, it has held a grudge this whole time!

So I go see the endodonist today, and yep, they are going to have to redo the root canal. They took pictures of my jaw bone and there the little pocket of misery was. Why did it happen? No one can explain it. All they can tell me is that they are going to have to drill into my mouth hole until they reach it and can fill it full of...cement...or whatever it is that they do. I told them I'd need nitrous or something, because I couldn't stand the idea of people leaning over me and breathing on my face, and so they agreed to that.

The kicker is that I have to wait until May before I can have it done, so my jaw is going to get worse before it can get better. They did say that if it gets very painful I can call them and hopefully get a sooner appointment for them to do horrible, yet helpful, things in my skull. I am so mad, I could spit.

The silver lining (and I'm determined to have one) is that they didn't mention maybe having to pull my tooth. I was scared of that. I mean, I don't have a lot going for me in the looks department, and I really hoped that being snaggletoothed will not be yet another strike against me in that category. Let's hope that the month and change I'm going to have to wait will not make an extraction necessary.

SIGH. OK, I think I may have ranted enough for today. I just needed to get that out of my system. Keep your fingers crossed that I get this done and this damn molar of mine will finally be content to just chew and allow me to smile with all the teeth I have. :)

Oh, and PS: Possible bad weather tonight. If anything happens to me remember that I like you a great deal. AVENGE ME!

EVEN MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING. AGAIN.

 1) Well, shit, y'all.

On Saturday I got a text from the woman I work for at the cyber security office saying she was giving me a heads up because she was sending me an email with some bad news. She was very nice about it and apologized for telling me this on a weekend, but what it all boiled down to when I got the email was that the company had suddenly, and unexpectedly, lost the contract support she had built up. Because of that, she would have to lay me off.

She was quick to mention that it didn't have anything to do with me or my work, or anything like that, but it was just a bad situation business-wise. I totally understand that. One thing I've learned is that working for the government is like a particular boyfriend I had when I was a teenager. They slobber all over your face, promise you the world, tell you how much they like you, and then one day you find out that they've broken up with you and didn't bother to mention it, and they already have a new girlfriend. (Am I still bitter? Yes. He was a damn fine kisser and it sucked to be dumped without being told. My heart was BROKEN! Heehee.)

I wasn't angry, of course, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I know it was only my job one day a week for now, but I'd thought that it would turn out to be a real, long term job in the long run. As per usual, I counted my chickens before they hatched. I won't lie, I had a few hours of feeling a bit sorry for myself, but ultimately I realized I worked as hard and as well as I could, and you really can't ask more of yourself than that. Also, I'm very lucky to still have the job at church, and I'm still doing freelance graphic design, so it isn't like it was my only way of making money. I still have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, so who knows where I'll be next.

I think feel worse for the woman I worked for, because this company is her dream. She worked so hard to get it to the level that it was at before the dominoes began to fall. I mean it, she was working so much, so late, and running a non profit on the side, and raising her kids and it sucks that this has happened. Thankfully the company still exists, on a much reduced scale, but she hasn't lost it completely. I have all the faith in the world that she will build it back up and hopefully it will become more successful than ever. She's a hip, and very smart, lady. 

Maybe I'll become a welder. 

2)  I had a birthday! Another one! I'm (physically) 43 years old now and it was a really nice birthday. I got to have lunch with my mom, sister, and oldest nephew the Friday before, which was fun, and on the actual day I was at church. Lots of people remembered my birthday, which I though was sweet. It was a low key day, but the people who mattered most to me were a part of it one way or another. Got a great video card, someone at church gave me a cake, Steve gave me some funny gifts, and my mom called and sang to me first thing! 

It was a good day. It's nice when people are glad you're still alive! 

3) I know you'll be shocked to know that things have been quiet here. I wish I had more exciting things to write about. We got some snow, which was fun. Not everyone likes snow, but I like southern snow. It shows up, makes a fuss, and fucks off. There is none of that staying around that other parts of the country have to deal with. It got cold, but that only lasted about three days. It was actually warm here this morning, which - as nice as it is - doesn't bode well for tornado season. It rained like crazy last night, but the sun is out now. So...you know, it's February. 

4) I've literally been sitting here trying to think of other, interesting, things to talk about and I don't have anything else. Maybe I'll be drafted to play for the Falcons or something soon so that I'll have some fun news. I hope so. There's been enough misery to last a few years. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: YES, ANOTHER ONE

 1) Y'all, a homeless man has set up camp in one of the church doorways. 

The pastor noticed that someone was sleeping out in our breezeway yesterday morning. We have this gap between the buildings where our mailbox is, and the entrance to the building from there is a small covered area that has a security camera trained on it. We have had people sleep there before, and we generally don't bother them, especially if it is a woman, because we know they are probably looking for a safe space for the night. They tend to move on after they notice people moving around in the church. 

I may have screwed up, though. When the guy, a very slight, young looking man with prison tats all over his face, woke up, I knocked on the door and spoke briefly to him. He thought he was going to get yelled at, but I told him it was fine. I meant that I wasn't running him off right then, but I think he took it to mean that he could now live here or something. When I came in today, his stuff was scattered out in the doorway again. On days like today, when I'm here alone, I don't particularly care for having a strange man right outside the doorway where I can't see him, especially when I have to go out there as part of my job. I don't think that being homeless makes a person bad or anything like that, but because this guy is an unknown element, I don't know if he's someone I should be worried about or not.

I am torn for wanting this person to feel safe and for wanting myself to feel safe. If I was homeless, I'd want someone to have compassion on me, but I know we can't have this guy living in our doorway. I don't know what to do.

2) OK, I know you're going to think I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy. However, I'm going to tell you this because it 100% happened, and if I am crazy, you can at least know where I started to lose it.

Yesterday afternoon, I was the only person left in the building. Our homeless friend had walked off of the property and according to all of our security cameras, there were no other people around. I was killing time, watching YouTube videos, and waiting for it to be 3:00 so I could go home.

I heard a child shriek out in the lobby of the church, which is just outside my office. It wasn't a scary sound, really. It was the kind of sound a little kid makes when they are either playing or just about to get mad. I wasn't even startled at first, because when little kids are around, it's a sound I've heard a thousand times here. Only thing was, there were no children here. It was loud enough that I looked up to see what was going on before I remembered I was alone. I stood up and looked out into the breezeway, just in case the homeless guy had a family we didn't know about, but no one was there. I looked outside, in case the family next door, which has kids, were playing in our parking lot. There was no one there.

Y'all, I don't know if you've ever experienced hearing a sound that has no reason to be heard, but part of my skin that normally doesn't crawl, crawled. My heart was telling me to GTFO of the building as fast as I could, but my brain was telling me that I should grab my bat and go check out the strange noise. I don't know what I was going to do with my bat, bludgeon a child to death, I suppose, but thankfully I listened to my heart this time. Before I left, I paused long enough to shout into the void of the empty church (you know, just in case a small child sneaked in through a vent or something. Kids can do that, right?) and ask if anyone was there, but I didn't get an answer. I was so unnerved that I was even afraid to turn off the light, but I did manage to do that much. I ran out to the car and locked myself in that, because as you know, ghosts can't get inside locked cars (allegedly...hehe) and went home early.

I'm sure there is a good reason for what I heard. Probably even a rational reason. Until I know for sure, I don't think I'm going to be comfortable alone in this building for a while.

If it is a ghost, do you know anyone I could call? 

3) I've picked up my crocheting again for the first time in almost two years! I don't know why I stopped, but I have so many different interests that when I put one down to try another one, sometimes it takes a while to pick things back up!

I don't know what made me grab my hooks again, but I sat down one night with a, mostly used, roll of yarn to make a dish cloth, and I just kept on making dish cloth sized squares! I don't know if I'll keep up with this long enough to make a whole afghan's worth of squares or not, but we'll see. To date, I've still only managed to make one entire afghan, and that was a labor of love and endurance. I was determined to finish that one because I'd set a goal and knew where the end product was going. Right now, I'm just chugging along to see where I get to on this one. 

If it ends up as a blanket, it's not going to be very pretty, but it doesn't have to be pretty to be warm!

(That philosophy applies to humans as well. Just FYI.)

HAHA

I had some time today to go back and read the blog entries that I've written throughout last year, and this last entry, I realized that I basically wrote the same things, over and over and over!

Y'all, I know I have a terrible memory, but I genuinely had no idea that I had the same thoughts so often and that I'd write about them as if they were just occurring to me!

I blame the COVID. Oh, and 2020. It was Groundhog Day for an entire year!

Yes. That is what I will blame. Not my terrible memory and lack of things to talk about.

I'll try and do better, I promise!

Hehe!

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: EARLY 2021 EDITION

 1) Happy new year, y'all!  

Did you guys celebrate in an appropriate manner like I did?  You know, a giant party, swapping drinks, and tongue kissing strangers at the stroke of midnight?  Hehe.  You know, just like every year!

OK, please don't call the police, I'm kidding. I had to work until noon on NYE, and then Steve and I met Anthony at the big park downtown and we walked around for a while. We grabbed dinner and then fell asleep asleep well before midnight.

Steve and I did, at least. Regardless of what some people think, Anthony wasn't involved in that part!

January 1st was an oddly disjointed kind of day for me, though. I tried to get in touch with people to say Happy New Year, as per usual, but I couldn't connect with some of them. It made the day feel kind of weird and incomplete. I didn't even get a new years kiss till way later in the day! Steve and I set about trying to clean out our pantry, but only managed half of it before we ran out of garbage space! He and I also didn't have the requisite black eyed peas, but we improvised by finding a plethora (... I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.) of random beans and peas in the afore mentioned pantry. We invented a soup that turned out pretty good, but was too big for our soup pot! It had hot Italian sausage, every bean and pea we could fit in it, barley, and cabbage. Sounds pretty gross when I write it out, but it was a version of a real soup recipe we already had, and we liked it! I hope it checked whatever boxes that superstitious new year food might need to be checked. 

I picked up a crochet hook for the first time in about two years and made plain squares while we watched football games. It was a weird, yet cozy, day.

I hope you had a nice New Year's Day, too!

2) January is always an odd month for me. 

I admitted this elsewhere, but every single January I have this little voice in my head that whispers that someone I love has resolved to cut me out of their lives for good. I suppose that speaks volumes about my current self esteem, doesn't it? I constantly feel like I'm someone's bad habit! Haha! Even worse is that, as adults, people can choose at any time that they don't need you. They don't have to make a new years resolution. I know this. I don't know why that feeling always creeps around the new year, but it happens every year, and every year I pray fervently that it isn't true. I spend the entire month feeling on edge, waiting to see who is still talking to me by February. Anxiety is weird like that, though. Weird and irrational.  At least I hope it's irrational. 

You're still gonna love me forever, right? RIGHT?!

3) OK, I feel like I need to correct something I said in my last entry even though it's not really a big deal. It's been bugging me. 

In my attempt to explain our rather bland existence over the past few months, I think I might have implied that Steve and I had been keeping exclusively to the house for the duration of all the quarantine times. We have not. We should have, I know, but it didn't work out that way. I'm sorry if I made it sound like we'd been more conscientious that we actually were.

We've mostly stayed home, I guess you could say, but Steve has been exclusively working from home since early March and he did get the bug to get out of the house a few times, which meant some travel. Some of it was against my better judgement, I'll admit, but I won't lie and say I didn't go along. We were as careful as we could be under the circumstances, for what it's worth. I'm probably always going to feel like I had a hand in killing someone's grandmother, though, just because I have been someplace other than my house during 2020. 

It's hard, because literally no one else in my circle is the least worried about getting sick or getting other people sick. The main refrain is "You'll be fine. It'll be fine. Don't worry so much." I don't know what to do with that, so I just go along. Its easier not to argue. I always joke that Steve will have a COVID positive person just spit directly into my mouth at some point, so that I'll stop worrying, but let's hope that is something he resorts to down the line. WAY down the line!

4) I've found a version of "You Can Leave Your Hat On" that I might like better than Tom Jones' version. Its the one by Etta James, and a style of music I didn't know she made! Do yourself a favor and give it a listen. It's awesome!

5) You guys, I have jacked up my back big time and I don't even know what I did. I know I did something to it in August, but it's gotten much worse over the past month and change. I probably should have gone to the doctor way before now, but most doctors are very busy at the moment. 

I can't really do anything, exercise wise, without being in agony for two or three days afterward. I can't walk very far, can't run, can't even do Yoga. I'm fine if I sit or lie down, basically. I have gained so much weight and I hate it! I feel like I'm inside someone else's body. I also feel the need to apologize to people who have to look at me, and I'm terrified that I'm going to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time. I'm very embarrassed at myself at the moment, which is an icky feeling. I never knew how vain I was until now, I guess. LOOK AWAY! I'M A MONSTER! It's a good thing I have such a winning personality, right?! Heehee.

At some point I'm going to have to go see a doc about it, or I'll end up having to be moved around Hannibal Lechter-style everywhere I go, strapped to a moving dolly. At least I'll already be wearing a mask! :)  My dad had to have surgery on his spine, and they replaced some of his bone with cadaver donor bones. Maybe that will be what they do to me!

Go ahead and get the "Got a strangers bone inside you" jokes ready, if so. I'm going to want to hear all of them!  

6) This is a lot of randomness, so I'm going to stop here. I hope your 2021 is a hell of a lot better than last year was!

Oh, and I hope we're still friends in February!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 Hello there! I'm so glad you're still around.

This has been a weird year. What a time to be alive, am I right? Hehe!

I'm sorry that there hasn't been a lot to read about on my blog this year. I sat down to write here several times, but I just couldn't make myself be interesting. I wanted to write some stuff, because I like my little blog and I'm not ready to let it die just yet, but most of the time when I sat down to write, I didn't think I had anything good to say. There wasn't much I felt like writing about.

Plus, as I've mentioned several times, there just hasn't been that much going on. Steve is still working from home, and I've still been going into the offices. We buy groceries, wash our hands, watch TV, and eat. I worry about how much weight I have gained and how little exercise I actually do. Seriously, it's getting desperate! I miss my friends and I worry every time I'm with family that somehow I'm going to make them sick. It's been kind of a bummer for the past nine or ten months, and who wants to write (or read) about that?

But I'm still around, and good and virus free (so far!) I hope very much that things start to improve on a global scale very soon. I hope that the virus gets bitch-slapped, and people shut up about politics, and things can get back to a kind of normal in the days to come.

Also, I'm very thankful for you guys who still stop by to see what I'm doing. I just wanted to say hello, and merry Christmas, and that hope that the new year will bring you many happinesses and joys and the good kind of excitement! 

Let's hope that in the new year, we have a lot more exciting stuff to talk about!

Cheers!

PS: There is one more thing I need to say and it's very important.

For some reason the song "You Can Leave Your Hat On" has been circling my brain for the past little while (which means my OCD meds are probably not working correctly) and I have an issue.

First off, I learned about the song from "The Full Monty" soundtrack, where it is performed by Tom Jones. That is the version I love. I used to have the MP3 of that version before my old computer decided to shuffle off this mortal coil, and I didn't have a back-up of it. 

When I tried to go to Apple and buy it, there were a lot of versions of the song, but none of them were by Tom Jones. When I asked Alexa (shut up, I love her) to play it, she would only play the one by Joe Cocker. Cocker's version is not bad, but it doesn't hold a candle to the one by Tom Jones. 

Joe Cocker sounds like he's having fun singing a slightly risque song. Tom Jones sounds like he's trying to peel off your panties with his voice. I suppose you know which one I like the best.

Apparently you can't buy that version of the song for love or money anymore. Perhaps the incidences of spontaneous pregnancies due to Tom Jones' version of the song became overwhelming. I don't know, but I am bitter about this.

So if you come across that version of the song someplace other than YouTube and it doesn't cost an arm or a soul, let me know. I need it in my life.

That is all.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING 2: THE BLOGGANING

 1) Up until last year, Steve had never carved a pumpkin for Halloween. 

Pause:

Steve's childhood baffles me, because although he had loving, attentive parents and had a seemingly otherwise normal childhood, he didn't do a lot of things your average, non-Jehovah's Witness, kid would have done as a matter of course. Until we got married, he had never colored Easter eggs, never made a Jack-O-Lantern, and had never had a birthday party. None of this is relevant to what I'm going to talk about, but a tangent is a trip I always seem to take regardless of the direction I NEED to be going in. 

Unpause:

Last year he carved his first pumpkin and he seemed to enjoy it, so this year he went to a place and brought home two pumpkins so we could carve them to decorate the stoop.  Unfortunately, lack of time and waning interest in doing the carving left us two pumpkins sitting around the house. We moved them to the floor of the kitchen for a day or two to get them out of the way. Well, one of them started to mold. I didn't notice right away, because it started at the bottom, and it leaked pumpkin water (?) all over the floor and caused one two of our floorboards to warp a little. Gross and inconsiderate! So I took it outside and threw it against some rocks in our back garden to bust it open so that the critters could eat the seeds while they were stocking up for winter. No critter would touch it. I would watch squirrels and birds circle it, and none of them would go near it. 

For some reason this ticked me off. I threw a moldy, but still useful, pumpkin out there for them and they were not eating it! We have all kinds of small animals back there, and even some bigger ones that come around, and that stupid pumpkin was never touched.  Maybe they didn't want it because it was moldy or something, but still...

So I took the other, perfectly normal, non-moldy pumpkin that we had placed on our stoop to the back yard and cracked it open. No mold, full of seeds, and should have been delicious to any animal getting ready for winter, and yet, none of them will eat it! I literally watch animals walk over and look at it and then walk away!  Why do they not touch my autumn offerings? WHY?!

My only consolation is this: If I were to have woken up one morning to find a random bacon cheeseburger in my kitchen, would I eat it? Probably not. I would wonder where it came from, and maybe wonder if someone was trying to poison me with delicious foods. Maybe I'm not giving my back yard vermin enough credit. Maybe they are suspicious of the feast that suddenly appeared in their living space. Maybe they don't trust me. This makes me weirdly sad.

These are the kind of things that occupy me these days. Oy.

2) Y'all, I made a stupid, stupid, stupid impulse purchase the other day. 

In my defense, online shopping has made it WAY too easy to buy things when I'm tired, and when I'm tired, I don't make very good choices. Shopping while sleepy is how I ended up with two pairs of Pajama Jeans.

I already know that you are going to judge me and think I'm very dumb with money, and yes, obviously sometimes I can be, so judge away. I deserve it. I'm telling you this as a way to shame myself.

I bought a $49 dollar pineapple. It's not a fake pineapple that will last forever, but a real pineapple that we can eat.  Please don't disown me.

In my defense, it isn't a normal pineapple! It's a newly created and rare kind of pineapple that Del Monte has just put out for sale. I have this...thing...I guess you'd call it, about being able to taste interesting, new, different things! Usually, I never get a chance to do it, because whatever it is isn't sold where I can get my hands on whatever it is. There are fruits that I'll never get to try unless I backpack through South America, and dishes I'll never eat unless I decided to live in rural China. There are a million variety of apples I'll never taste because they can't be shipped! That isn't fair!!!!  So when I was reading about this pineapple, and saw there was a link to a fruit company that was selling them, I kind of lost my head.

It's called a Pinkglow Pineapple, which, now that I think about it, sounds like a kinky sex toy. 

OK, so pineapples usually contain lycopene, which is the same thing that makes tomatoes red, but a naturally occurring enzyme in the fruit usually converts the lycopene to beta carotene, which is yellow. This pineapple has been changed to contain less of the enzyme, so the fruit stays pink. It's supposed to taste a little different, be sweeter, and be pink. Probably for Instagram. I have no idea. This fruit takes years to grow and and is only just now available to be shipped. 

Look, I know none of this makes spending $49 dollars on a damn pineapple any better, but what is done is done. I have grounded myself from buying anything other than necessities for a while because this was indeed a stupid, frivolous purchase.

But...but... let's be real here, I'm probably still going to enjoy it, because right now, I'm going to take any chance for a new experience! If it takes a pink pineapple and some buyers remorse to do it, so be it. 

NOTE: We tried it last night. It was good! It was not $49 good, though. :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) So, here is how the situation with the cat has ended.

Steve decided that he didn't want her remains to be disposed of without anyone to claim them, so he had Simba cremated and now we have her cremains on the same shelf as Butler and Bear. We aren't sure they would have gotten along very well in life, but we figure that in that Rainbow Bridge place, they are probably all friends.

The really weird thing is that we know that Simba was someone else's cat. She had to be. She was fat, way too friendly for a feral animal, and she had no instinct to protect herself when the dogs got after her. We are fairly sure she had been a house cat for some time before she came to us, which means that there is a family, or a person, who has no idea what happened to her. Although she lived with us for more than a year, and was for all intents and purposes our cat, we both feel kind of bad that somewhere out there are people who might miss her, and they don't know she died, and that we have her ashes in an urn in our dining room. 

Animal control came over and talked to Steve the next day. We could have pressed charges against the people who owned the dog, but we chose not too. As much as the whole situation sucked, we didn't want to make it a THING. You know what I mean? We hate that Simba died the way she did, but we didn't want to be responsible for anyone losing their dog, when really, the dog was just being a dog. The Animal Control guy said that they wouldn't have lost the dog, but they would have had to pay more fines. Apparently when the neighbors called the police after it all happened, they are already getting hit with a vicious animal charge, which is a hefty fine already. We still declined, and the officer thought we were being really too nice about the whole thing. We were just done wanting to think of it. The officer did go to the house where the owners lived and told them how kind we were being, and how they need to be more careful with their dogs and all of that.

Ya know, I don't expect any of them to offer to pay the vet bills or bring us cookies, but you'd think one of them would at least holler over the fence and say that they were sorry their dog ate our cat. Don't you?

2) I think the social distancing is starting to get to me. Granted, Steve is at home and we see people at church and when we run errands (and the craziness that is associated with not really having control over who you see in places like that) but I've realized that I've developed a borderline Imaginary Friend. I say borderline, because it is a real person I pretend to talk to, but that person isn't really there, so really, I'm projecting my own ideas and thoughts onto the idea of a person and having conversations with them. 

Not out loud, though. Sigh. This seems weird. It is weird, isn't it?

I guess the only real problem with what I'm doing is if I see this person in real life and expect them to remember what we talked about in my head.

Is this what it feels like to go mad? 

3) We have been re-watching The Office again lately. When it was first on the air, I was a HUGE fan of the show. I made sure that I was at home to see it when it aired if possible, and it is, to date, only one of two shows I ever paid Apple to watch if I wasn't at home to watch it live. (The other was Lost. Don't judge me.) I watched every episode, and I got emotionally involved with characters, and I think it made me cry a couple of times. It was one of those shows I connected with for whatever reason, and I loved it so much.

I'm not sure it's held up, though. As we've watched it again, I find myself wanting to punch Michael Scott so much, and Jim...well...he isn't as nice as I remember. I also don't remember it making me cringe quite so much as it does now. In fact, I worry more about the fact that they work in a paper company during a time when paper was being used less and less, than I care about anything else they're doing! I get stressed because I know their company will become obsolete in a few years time. How stupid is that? Haha!

I guess that's the difference between being 27 and 42 years old and watching the same show. Now I'm old and jaded, I guess! Sometimes you can't go home again!

4) Sorry for the filler, but things are so boring. Nothing fun is happening right now, so there isn't much to talk about. Probably the most exciting thing I've gotten to do lately is see the Super Retriever Series dogs compete in the parking lot of the local Marshall's. You can social distance and watch dogs jump into big tanks of water and, well, retrieve stuff and swim back. We can't pet the dogs, though, so it's almost not worth it!

Ugh, I miss my friends and my cat, but otherwise, things are fine. We are fine. Our jobs are fine. Our families are fine. Everything here is fine! I hope you're also fine and enjoying life as much as possible!

 

IT'S ALL RELATIVE

Humor me for a moment, will you? 

Are you familiar with the "Many Worlds Theory?" I'm not going to pretend that I can explain it the right way, but as I understand it, it means that all possible outcomes occupy a place in and on an infinite amount of different worlds. That's probably not exactly right, but it's close enough. I have always interpreted it as every possibility of a choice creates it's own reality. That makes a lot of realities, since we make hundreds of choices every day, but the idea makes an odd amount of, ahem, sense to me. I will think of it as the Quantum "Sliding Doors" Theory. (Pratt, 2020) So every time a decision is made, another reality is created where the opposite decision was made. So, say, I decided not to marry Steve back in 2000, and now there is a very complex parallel reality where I become a plus size stripper or anchor person on MSNBC. Maybe both. 

One thing that Steve and I talk about sometimes, only partially seriously, is that people must have the ability to inadvertently slip between realities. I already know that sounds crazy, but my theory is that if a new reality is created to accommodate a new outcome it has to go someplace, and if the outcome of a choice is fairly minor, then the reality isn't that far removed physically from the one we are currently living in, maybe even overlapping it. So, say, if in one reality Kool-Aid never created a blue raspberry flavor, then that blue-raspberry-less reality is positioned much closer to the original reality because it would be a small change. So one day you might wake up with a craving for that Kool-Aid, but go to the store only to find out it never existed. You might remember having that flavor many times, or seeing commercials for it, but no one else remembers it. That would mean you somehow crossed over into the different reality through one of the overlapping places. Stephen King calls them a "thinny" or a thin place in reality. Of course, in his case, the alternate realities are full of Lovecraftian monsters, while my own ideas are more about which Kool-aid you can buy. 

Potato - Potahto

Anyways, this has been coming up a lot for me lately and it's getting weird. Not long ago I had a conversation about something I thought I heard a friend say years ago, but he said he didn't say. I could remember it so clearly that you could have held me at gunpoint at any time and asked about it, and I would have sworn on the bible that he did. However, he didn't. Obviously, I just misunderstood what he did say, but in my head it was so freaking clear that hearing otherwise makes it seem unreal.

Another example is something my mom told me, or so I thought. It was a story about my aunt going somewhere and getting sick. I remember hearing the story and being indignant about it, because it seemed like a silly risk for her to take. I remember details about the story, down to being able to imagine the situation. I even told that story to my coworker, because I was irritated that it happened. I brought it up to my mom yesterday and she had no idea what I was talking about. She said that never happened, and proceeded to tell me a completely different story of how she got sick. In fact, over the past couple of years, that same thing has happened to me with my mom. I remember her telling me stories about family members, and those stories became part of the way I thought of my extended family in general, but when I've asked her about it, she said none of it was the way it actually happened.

It's not just me, though,. It's happened to Steve as well! We were standing in his office and heard a big truck outside, so we looked out of the window and saw a utility truck a crew working on a fire hydrant. He said "When did we get a fire hydrant there?" I didn't remember ever seeing any big utility work being done on that side of the street, so it couldn't have been put there in the past 20 years, so it had to be there much longer. Also, it's an old hydrant, so if it were newer, it wouldn't look the way it does. That might not be so weird under most circumstances, but he's lived in that house literally all his life. How could he live somewhere for 45 years and not notice a yellow fire hydrant right across the street? He's also had other things happen to him several times that he's noticed recently don't exactly jive with his memories.

Now, I'm not saying any of this is real or that it's true, or even that I honestly believe in it. For all I know, we are just considering a pseudo-scientific explanation for both of us having really bad memories! But it has been happening enough lately that it's starting to become almost too much of a coincidence. 

Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever believed or remembered something clearly, only to have it be proven later on that it was different than you thought? Think about it, or at least start paying closer attention to some of your memories in case some things you've thought for years are suddenly very different. 

I'll just stop here before you really think I've gone off the deep end. I hope you wake up in the right reality! Especially the one that has blue raspberry Kool-Aid!

UGH

 You know, one day I will eventually have something good and fun and interesting to post about. 

But it is not this day.

You know, I actually wrote the story with all of the details and asides, and meandering facts, but I just don't have the heart to publish it. It was sad, and personally traumatizing, and although I'd like to talk about it, it just...sucks. So I will sum it up.

Basically, the three dogs that live next door from us attacked the stray cat we've been taking care of. Hell, I say we were taking care of the cat, but she was basically our cat. She came inside all of the time, and Steve had been sleeping in the living room with her, because he was afraid the coyotes that sometimes show up in our neighborhood at night would kill her. Steve wanted to formally adopt her and let her live inside, and I made a fuss about it because I didn't want an animal pooping in our house, so we had put off the decision until we could think about it a bit more. Nevertheless, I loved the cat. I wanted her to be happy and safe.

There is a weak spot in the neighbor's chain link fence and the dogs got out. I didn't know what was going on, except that I saw the dogs in our backyard, so I ran out to get them back in their own yard and I heard a commotion. One of the dogs, a pit bull (who seemed to be the sweetest of the three dogs when we met them) had approached some people walking in the street. They were yelling, and the girl who the dog belonged to was crying, and it was all very confusing. As I was going back home, I heard the neighbor say "They attacked this cat" and I immediately worried that it was Simba. I went over there and she was all bloody and messy and still alive. It was awful. When I saw it was her, I started crying (in front of strangers, which I hate to do) but they got a box for her and told me to take her to the emergency vet.  They called the cops, even, because Animal Control doesn't work on Sundays. It was very surreal.

I called Steve (who was at church. I wasn't feeling well that morning and I stayed home.) and told him to meet me there. The people helped me get Simba into the car, and I drove a bloody, hurt cat making terrible sounds to the emergency vet. It was horrible. I was crying and telling her that I was sorry, and I couldn't even pet her because I was driving and didn't know where she was hurt.

They took her back immediately, but said she had spinal injuries that would seriously make her quality of life awful, so Steve and I decided to do the humane thing. We got to see her and pet her and be with her while they put her down. It was awful.

So now the cat is gone. We loved her. I keep tearing up thinking about her on the table at the vet's office. She made the saddest sounds. They keep echoing in my head. I hope she knew how much we cared about her. She didn't deserve that.

FIVE MONTHS

It's been a little over five months since Sara died. It feels weird to even type that sentence, but life has been weird all summer, hasn't it? 

I thought that, when my oldest friend passed away, that I'd feel very different than I actually have. Grief is a weird thing and it is different for every person and in every situation, but I don't think I really understood that until the past few years.  When my dad died, I felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest that wouldn't heal. It was a physical feeling, not just an emotional one. I'd forget to breathe sometimes and find myself randomly gasping for air. It was like being buried under heavy rocks all of the time. What happened in the following year didn't help that feeling in the least, so that's what I thought grief was supposed to feel like for everything.

Of course, then in 2018 I lost four people I liked a great deal, one right after another, and found that real, honest grief comes in various colors and flavors (none of them good) but all of them very particular to each person. Because of that, you can never be quite prepared for how you'll feel.

See, the thing is, I knew Sara was dying. I knew she was that sick. She had gone for treatments for her problems in late February and found out that she would need another transplant if she was going to recover and that she wasn't going to do it. I still thought we'd have way more time. Kind of like those scenes in the movie "Beaches" (hehe, don't judge me) where you'd get those chances to see each other, and  get used to the idea that the end was near. We didn't get that, of course. She got an infection and that was that. She passed away, alone, and in another state. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I expected to feel that hole in the chest feeling again, but it didn't come. I sometimes struggle with that, because I feel like that should have been the more appropriate feeling. She was a Soul Friend, and honestly, you don't get many of those in a lifetime. I had four of them (now three) and the thought of being without any of them has always made me feel afraid and panicky. I thought that it would be a time of black depression and sadness, and maybe in a world where we weren't dealing with COVID-19 and quarantined all of the bullshit that has gone along with it, that would have been the case. Instead, it's been like pain from a thousand paper cuts. 

Sometimes I forget she's gone. I see something and I want to tell her about it, or something happens that I want to update her on and I realize I can't. I'll go to a restaurant and think "Oh, Sara and I need to go there" or I'll want to complain about something. She was the only one who knew all of my secrets, and I'll want to talk about something to do with those, but I can't. Even this morning, I was looking at make-up online and saw eyebrow makeup for red-heads (Sara fought the eyebrow battle until the day she died) and wanted to send it to her, but of course, I couldn't. Then I think of the things that I didn't do, or couldn't do, or should have done or said, and it's just a constant reminder that I'm powerless about it. 

It's the little things like that that make it hard.

But having said all of that, I'm kind getting to the point where I am ok with it all. Sara was my best friend, and I'll always miss her every day. I'm not ok with her death, obviously, but I'm ok with feeling the sadness. When you lose someone you love they leave a hole. You can fill that hole with pain and anger, you can fill it with all kinds of things that you can use to try and make you forget, or you can fill that hole with good memories and love and gladness that you knew them. Even with the pain, I'm trying mightily to fill it when the latter. 

And that's all I have to say about that.

STILL...ALIVE...

Ten points if you know where the title of this blog entry came from!

WARNING: Rambling Ahead. 

Yes, I'm still kicking, and no, nothing interesting has been happening. At least I don't think so. It's kind of weird, but I have the WORST memory right now. I don't know if it's because so many days are the same, too much Sweet and Low, or if my brain is finally catching up to my age. At any rate, if anything interesting has happened, it wasn't interesting enough to remember.  

I haven't known what to do with myself, lately. I feel like everything is still on hold. I suppose that's really is what is going on. The world hasn't gotten back to normal yet and I am heartily tired of it!

Let's see...I went to the doctor the other day. Finally. I used to go three or four times a year, but my current GP only sees me once a year. In some ways that's rad, because I don't particularly like going to the doctor, but in other ways it kind of sucks because a year is a long time not to know if your blood work is right or whatever. Granted, I know I could make an appointment if something was wrong, but what if it's something I don't notice? How do you know if your cholesterol is bad, or something like that? Eh, well, I guess that's the price you pay not to have to be arsed to go to the doctor more than you want to.

I like my doctor a lot. I met him last year. He's a bit younger than me, quite nice, and funny. He is one of those people that I immediately felt comfortable around when I met him, which is both rare and cool. He came into the exam room wearing a Batman print mask. I made a comment and he said he normally has some Harry Potter masks that he wears, but he'd forgotten them at home and had to wear that one as a backup.  Of course I asked him if he was a Harry Potter fan, in which he demurred and said that he wasn't a huge fan. So I pressed him about whether or not he knew his Hogwarts house. He was a Griffindor. Of course he was. 

Look, I know knowing your Hogwarts house seems like a silly thing, and it means nothing, but I love it when people have enough of a sense of humor to enjoy silly things like that. Especially adults. If you're reading this and don't know your house, please go to Pottermore and find out! It brings me joy. (Of course, I'm a Slytherin, so what do I know? Haha!) ;)

Since my appointment was a wellness check, he and I talked about a lot of stuff. I told him about the panic attacks (he didn't seem worried, but did refill my emergency meds) and I told him about my back. That he seemed worried about. Mainly because I'm so limited as to what I can do because of it. I can't run anymore, I can't comfortably ride a bike, and hell, I can't even do yoga anymore without having to sleep on an ice pack. He told me I could probably swim for exercise, which would be great if I could swim. He told me I could have ...and I don't know what it was...radicular something or other. The only reason I remember that much is because I thought he said I had a ridiculous something or other. I mean, maybe whatever it is is ridiculous, but it still hurts. Other than that, there were just a few things I need to work on. My weight, my cholesterol, my blood sugar levels. The usual. They took a lot of blood for some other tests, but I guess they all came back fine because they didn't contact me again.

Ya know what? I just realized I talked, at length, about a doctor's appointment. I really am turning into an old person! But really, it's been the highlight of the last two months! What else can I talk about?

One day we will get to to stuff again and I'll have new stories and adventures. One day! Don't give up on me! 

SO WEIRD!

As anyone who's been around me a while knows, I always have very vivid dreams. I dream every night and I usually dream in such a way that I remember what I dream about, for a while anyways. I love dreaming. Granted, not every dream is good, or even interesting, but at least I don't get too bored while I sleep.

Steve, on the other hand, doesn't dream very often, or at least he hardly ever remembers his dreams. I think I probably irritate him by telling him my weird ass dreams, and asking him about his own, because I don't think dreams matter much to him. That's not a terrible thing, except when I want to talk about them! Heehee

Anyways, last night I had two dreams. The first one isn't the important one, but the second one is the weird one. It's not even weird because of the subject matter, but...well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I dreamed that Steve and I were supposed to meet Josh to have drinks in the restaurant of a hotel. We decided to get a room at the hotel so we wouldn't be late and miss Josh before he had to leave town, so we spent some time (Shut up, it isn't that kind of dream. Perv.) sitting and talking in the room before we went downstairs. Since we were staying at the hotel, I left my purse, my shoes, room key and my other stuff in the room so I didn't have to keep up with them. We had our drinks, said goodbye, and walked back towards the lobby of the hotel. The lobby was attached to a mall (?) and so while I was standing in the edge of the hallway looking into the mall, Steve turned and walked out the front doors. He didn't say anything to me, so I stood there for a long time waiting for him to come back. He never did. So I panicked and ran to one of the stores in the mall to ask if I could find a phone to call him to come and get me, but I couldn't remember his number. So I was stranded, barefoot, with no money and no way to get back into the room. I was mad about it! There was more, but that was the gist.

So I woke up and told Steve about the dream. He gave me a weird look and said "I dreamed I left you in a hotel so I could go and fill the car with gas before we had to go home. I realized I didn't tell you where I was going, so I called to tell you and you got mad at me."

We have not talked about traveling together recently, nor have we had an argument about anything remotely like that, but both of us had a dream, on the same night, that he left me in a hotel and didn't tell me where he was going, and I ended up getting mad about it! The fact that Steve hardly ever remembers his dreams, plus the fact that we had complimentary dreams about basically the same thing on the same night, that's weird, right? 

Well, I think it's weird. Pretty darn cool, but still weird. 

WELL, THAT SUCKED!

 Let me preface what I'm about to say with I'm sorry if this sounds like whining. That is not my intention at all. I just want to write about an experience I had over the weekend that freaked me out a bit so that I can hopefully stop thinking about it!  It's more of a therapeutic writing down of things, if you will. It's harshing my chill.

Over the weekend, Steve was gone to visit some family. I was alone, which I have never minded being. These days, especially with, (*gestures widely at the world*) all of this that's going on, I rarely get time by myself and it's nice to do my own dos and think my own thinks. No offense to Steve, but, yeah.

So Friday was fine. Friday was great. Friday was all the things that a Friday should be and more. I stayed up fairly late so Friday wouldn't be over so fast, you know how those things go. So when I finally went to sleep, I was 100% fine. That is important to know.

I woke up exactly two hours later in a blind, complete, irrational panic. You know that feeling you get when someone jumps out at you and you scream and jump back? Imagine that, but that feeling doesn't stop. I sat up in bed, mostly asleep, and every fiber in my body is on edge telling me that something was very, very wrong. It felt like electricity was running through my body and my first clear thought was that I couldn't breathe. I sat on the edge of the bed gasping and clawing at my throat, only to only finally realize that I was breathing just fine. That didn't help, though, so I ran through the house to the bathroom and threw some cold water on myself (because that sometimes works to shock me out of an anxiety attack) but it just made it all worse. I managed to grab one of my anti-anxiety pills out of the cabinet and tossed it back, but I knew that it would take about 1/2 an hour before it would take effect.

I ran back and got into bed, with waves and waves of panic running through me. I lay there and tried to rationally figure out what was wrong, which is another thing that sometimes helps pull me out of an attack, but my brain wouldn't cooperate. I kept thinking "I'm here alone and something is wrong. I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!" Every one of my muscles were locked up and I was shaking. It was awful. I thought about calling my mom, but I knew she would be afraid because I couldn't tell her what exactly was going on, and if she decided to drive across town (which she absolutely would) she might not be careful. I finally called Steve, even though he was hours away, because what I mainly needed was someone to talk to to keep me from feeling so alone. I hated to do it, because I knew he'd be asleep and he might get mad, but thankfully he didn't. I lay there in bed, shaking, talking to him, trying to explain what was going on, but finally just talking about anything while trying to unlock my brain from whatever was going on. He talked me into taking another of the pills, which I did - chewing it up this time to make it work faster - and after about 15 minutes, I calmed down enough to get off of the phone. It was terrifying, and I have no idea what the trigger was that caused it.  I've had one anxiety attack similar to it before, years ago, and I wound up in an emergency room because the doctor thought I was having a heart attack. This one was arguably worse. I finally managed to fall asleep again after about an hour when the meds kicked in.

I ended up sleeping until after noon, because the medicine does that to me. When I woke up, I felt like I'd been in some kind of accident. I hurt all over, and I still had remnants of the shakes. I couldn't eat, I couldn't work on the graphics stuff I needed to do, and I couldn't even take a shower. I sat in my chair and watched mindless TV until I could function like a human being again. My mom called and I told her what had happened, and I was right not to call her, I think. She would have come right away, but not in a good frame of mind. She invited me to come and stay with them, but I told her no. I had to be at church the next day, and I didn't want to admit I was too shaky to drive. I ended up taking another anti anxiety pill and calming down enough to eat and get out of the chair for a while, but I was completely drained. I was ok after that, but I made sure to have my medicine in the bedroom with me and a phone in my hand when I went to sleep, in case it happened again. Thankfully, it didn't.

Hand to God, I don't know what triggered such an awful attack. I don't sleep much anyway, so it wasn't going to bed late. I was in a great frame of mind when I was falling asleep, and I don't remember any nightmares. The main thing I remember when waking up was that something just felt wrong. Once I realized I could breathe, my main issue was that I was afraid that I'd have to call someone to come and help me, and I kept thinking "I don't want to go to the hospital again, I don't want to go to the hospital again."  I don't know why I kept thinking that, because I couldn't pinpoint anything that would make me have to go to the hospital. It was very, very weird.  Thankfully by Sunday morning, I felt more myself. I made it to church and was ok by the time Steve came home.  I still don't know what happened.

I do have one theory, and it may be very stupid, but it's the only one I have.

As I have mentioned before, I have degenerative disk disease and that causes constant, relentless back pain. It isn't debilitating, thankfully, but it keeps me from doing a lot of physical activities because one wrong move and my arms go numb and my spine sends signals to my shoulder and rib cage telling me that I could be dying. I already have a phobia of sudden heart attacks because that is how my dad died and apparently I was traumatized by that, so when my arms go numb and my chest hurts, well, that's just where my brain goes. It sucks donkey balls, because even when I can rationally think "that is not how a heart attack works" the lizard part of my brain says "Well, yeah, but what if you're wrong this time?" Also, the nerve shocks that I get through my back feel exactly the same as when I get startled. You know that creepy feeling like someone is looking at you from behind? It's like that, so I have a constant feeling of being stalked, which just adds on to the scary feeling. I think maybe I slept weird and pinched a nerve that set off a bunch of pain that my body didn't know how to handle all at once. I put an ice pack on my back, and it helped me calm down, so maybe it's all just nerve impulses that are triggering a fear response. It's all very stupid, I can say that with authority.

Oh, but the best part? Since then, it's like I have PTSD and anytime I've been alone (which even goes to being alone in a room) I start having mini panic attacks. I had a panic attack so massive that being by myself now scares me. It's so much fun. I can't live like that, though, because Steve has to travel for work and I sometimes have to be in room by myself, and I am a grown ass woman who shouldn't have to have a babysitter. I can't be afraid all of the time. That is not how I want to live my life.

SIGH. I'm hoping this goes away very soon, because I have a life to live and fun stuff to do in it. If there is one part of this that I can appreciate, it's that I am trying to fight against it instead of submitting to it. I cannot stress enough about how stupid I feel this all is. It makes me MAD. I hope I can get the source of whatever is causing this corrected.

So (for those of you still here reading this) I'm asking you to pray or send good vibes, or whatever you might do, that I can get this weird situation under control. I don't have time for this!!

STUFF

This is just to report that nothing interesting has happened. Not really. But in the interest of updating you guys on my life, let’s see...

We drove to the mountains over the holiday weekend, which was nice. We did come into contact with strangers, but thus far, we seem to have avoided getting sick (knock on wood.) we actually walked on a tiny section of the Appalachian Trail, and it was Just as miserable as I thought it might be! Seriously, if I ever talk about looking forward to hiking the AT, that is code for something bad happening that I can’t talk about it. Send in the national guard. :) 

I‘ve gained an alarming amount of weight. Not going places, not being able to go to my gym for so long, breaking my bike, it being too effing hot to do things outside, and a newfound appreciation for baking hasn’t helped. Perhaps I’ll be on one of those reality shows where I get yelled at by a personal trainer until I develop an eating disorder at some point, but for now, I’m making an attempt to lose it the old fashioned way, but with little success! Cookies make it hard. Hehe!

Sara’s birthday was the other day. I miss her.

They finally hired someone at the church to do the bookkeeping. It only took 8 years for them to realize how bad I am at it!

Josh came to visit! His mom is moving and he was helping her pack up their old house. I was so glad to see him! (Responsibly social distancing and no hugging, of course.) Weirdly, we haven’t seen Anthony in weeks and weeks. I’m starting to get withdrawals!

I keep buying masks. I have so many, and many of them are cute or sparkly! I still don’t really like wearing them, but I love accessorizing, So it all works out! Also, I love sparkles, so...I mean...my hands are tied!

I know I sound kind of mopey, but I’m not really. There is just nothing interesting going on at all. I hope that if that changes, it’s a good kind of interesting and not a we-have-to-fight-hoards-of-alien-badgers interesting. 

I hope you’re life is less boring (in a good way) than mine! 

Excelsior!

GAH

Hello everyone!

Ok, so there may only be one or two of you, but still, that constitutes an "everyone" doesn't it?

Look, don't argue semantics, alright?  Geez.

I'm just stopping by to tell you I'm still here. Kind of, anyway. Nothing of true interest has been happening lately, but not by choice. If I had my way, I'd be dressed in a big, poofy, sequined evening gown, walking four adorable corgis, while dancing down Jefferson Street accompanied by a marching band.

But, since it's Pride month, I'm afraid I'd get mistaken for a drag queen. Plus, where would I find a marching band right now?  SIGH.

Nah, I'm just a little blah at the moment. There's just so much ugly and scary stuff going on.

Each day feels like it weighs a thousand pounds and it's sitting on my shoulders. It's heavy and smothery and as oppressive as a humid southern summer day.  I do my best to stay away from what is going on, because it just feels like too much at times, but it seeps in, ya know?  One day I went to bed at 6:00 just so I wouldn't have to hear about anything anymore.

I hate to admit it, but I think the muggles have finally gotten me down. Probably not forever, but for now, yeah.

Weirdly, this doesn't feel like a depression setting in. It feels more like incessant noise, only you can't put your hands over your ears to keep it out. I even feel kind of like an jerk for complaining, but it seems like no matter what you're watching or reading (out in the world, at least) something bad is happening. It's...it's a lot.

The worst part is that most of it comes from people I know on social media. I had no idea I knew so many, and forgive me for being this blunt, assholes.  Honestly, otherwise lovely people are just being THE WORST right now. Surprisingly it isn't even just on one side of the political spectrum, it's on both! People are not being rational, or reasonable, and some are being racist, and some are being pig headed, and others are being willfully ignorant, and it's just overwhelming.

Stay off social media, you say? Well, if I wanted to be cut off from everyone I know, I could do that, of course. However, since I can't see people, or go out for lunch, or stop for a chat or any other kinds of social interactions at the moment with people I really want to see, social media is kind of my only way to do that.

Sorry, this is not a "Feel bad for me" post, because I'm sure a lot of people feel like I do right now. It's just a state of the union, if you will.

I wish I could see my friends. I wish I could hug people. There are some people I want to punch in the face and some I want to kiss right on the mouth. It's a weird time, is what I'm saying, so I feel very weird right now.

At any rate, I hope you (whoever you may be) are doing well and not letting the muggles get YOU down.  Have a great day!

SO, I DID A THING

Don't get too excited, because it was ultimately not successful, but I didn't want to say anything about it until I was sure one way or the other.

Earlier this year there was an open call to be a part of a real, live movie that is coming out this year. I auditioned for it! It wasn't for a speaking part or anything like that, but it was one step up from being an extra, at least! I had to send in a video of myself doing the audition piece of it, which I did, but unfortunately I didn't get chosen.

As silly as it sounds, it was still a pretty fun experience, even if didn't work out!

So no, I will not be appearing in Bill and Ted's Face the Music movie, but I did try!  Just pretend that I'm in there, if you ultimately go to see it. :)