I DIDN'T QUITE CONQUER THE CAVE

Oooh, y'all.  I'm so embarrassed. 

About two months ago, Steve told me that he had signed us up for a local-ish 5K race. That isn't a thing that we normally do, of course, but this race was special because a mile and a half of it was inside a cave. Neat, huh?  

Since it had been nearly a year since I'd done a 5K I decided I needed to practice, and although it was tough to begin with, I was getting better. I wasn't great, by any means, and I was slower than last year, but not by a lot. I was much lighter and in better shape last year too, but I didn't think it would be difficult to get to a point where I could run/walk it in a decent enough time. I've done 5K races before, and I even did a practice one to check my timing to make sure I could finish it in the time allotted for the actual race, and I did in plenty of time.  That probably doesn't sound like much, but since I don't employ a coach, I did the best I could on my own.

We set out to Cathedral Caverns state park, where we were in the 4th wave of a race called Conquer the Cave 5K. It started on a half mile stretch of road, which you had to run down and back, then go up a monster hill which would lead you into the cave and then you would go to into the very back of that, and then back out of the cave to finish. 

Because so many people signed up, we couldn't all go at once, and since we had signed up so late in the game, our wave wasn't set to start until 3:30 P.M.  I started getting ready the day before to prepare, making sure I was drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, and that sort of thing. Well, I did what I thought I needed to, anyways, which had never steered me wrong before, but I think I did something wrong because it didn't take long before I knew I was in trouble.

First thing was that it was hot. I mean, it was middle of summer hot, and I don't think anyone was expecting that. I want to say it was 97 degrees?  Maybe not that hot, but it was miserably hot and bright, and the first leg of the trip was flat and unshaded. I actually started out pretty good, and had a moment of thinking "hey! I think I can run further than I ever have, today!" but right after that, I started to feel like I was in a furnace. It felt like all moisture in my body was suddenly gone, and I actually had a moment where I thought about asking someone to pour their water over me. I didn't do that, figured it was just because it was hot, and I trudged on.  I had to switch to walking, because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even my breath felt too hot. I made it to the turn around, began to walk back and it all got worse. I was genuinely afraid that I was going to throw up, or pass out, and I desperately didn't want that.  I made it to the first water station and got some water and poured it on my shirt, which helped a little, but it didn't last long.  The hill was what got me. It's not easy to go up a steep hill anytime, but it was so damn hot and I was getting dizzy and I was panting too hard.

I didn't want to stop, but I felt so sick I didn't have a choice. I finally had to wave down one of the hay ride trucks that were taking people from the earlier waves back down to the parking area and get in. The people on the truck were very kind, and they gave me water and got me to the paramedics. I don't know if I needed the paramedics, but they checked me out, said I was ok, and told me they thought I could finish. I didn't go far before I had to admit to myself that I wouldn't make it and I had to quit. I felt like I was on fire from the inside out. I was the last person in the race by far by that time, and I was so shaky that I had a hard time holding my water bottle. I had to flag down the paramedics again and ask to be taken back down the hill. I was done. It was humiliating.

Once I had a few minutes to wallow in my shame, I decided to catch a ride on one of the hay trucks up to the cave so that Steve wouldn't have to look for me when he was done and I realized when I got there that I was the only person who didn't finish. Old people, kids, people much more overweight than me, they all made it and I didn't. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. Well, at least not until I got back to the car. I was much better once I had a chance to cool off, but I hadn't been able to make it up the hill. I'd been working hard to make it to this stupid race and literally, all I wanted to do was finish it. It was only a 5K, and I couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself and embarrassed that I didn't talk much on the way home. All I wanted to do was lie down and forget the whole day.

I don't know why I feel like such a failure. My body, for whatever reason, just wouldn't do the thing. I know, intellectually, that not pushing myself harder than I could handle was smart, but I had been so convinced that I was going to do this dumb race and finish it that not doing so was a mental blow.

Anyway, so I boofed it. I couldn't even do a dumb 5K. I still don't feel well this morning, so who knows what was going on inside of my body, but it doesn't make me feel like less of a failure. I was the only person out of hundreds not to finish the race. Hehe, well, at least there's that!

At any rate, I have another race set for next month, so hopefully I'll do better then. I hope so, at least!  Gotta keep trying, right?

You know, I came here to write about something personal. It's nothing bad, or worrisome, not really, but it's something that has been weighing (heh) on me for a while.

I just can't do it yet. I know that sounds ominous, but it isn't. I'm just having a hard time trying to write about it without A) garnering a thousand eye rolls, and B) sounding like an idiot and C) expressing myself badly.

Have you ever had that?  You'd like to express a feeling, but can't figure out how?  It sucks, I tell ya.

Anyways, I'm only writing this because I was here in my dashboard and it felt like I shouldn't leave it blank.  I'll figure it out eventually.

Anyways, hope you're having a great day!