Wednesday, December 13, 2017


1) You guys, this is getting stupid.  I tried to get into the wrong car AGAIN this morning.  I was leaving the hospital after picking up some paper work, had finally managed to find the parking lot level where I left my car, and decided to put the papers in the trunk.  I kept hitting the trunk button and wondering why it wasn't opening.  I stood there longer than I'd like to admit before I realized I was behind a Toyota and not a VW.  To add insult to injury, the trunk of my car did open when I hit the button, and so my car was sitting there all alone with it's mouth open while I was standing behind and silently cursing someone elses vehicle for not opening.  That is some security footage that I'd like to have erased.

Every since the last time this happened (ahem, shut up) I've been looking to make sure that I see the VW emblem on the back of the car before I try to get in.  Not only that, but I put a Psych sticker on the back to make SURE that I'm getting into the right car.  However, I realized after today, all I've been doing is making sure that the car has a shiny emblem on it, not specifically looking for a VW emblem.  What is wrong with me?!  I'm going to accidentally get into the wrong car some day and get arrested for auto theft. I can't go to jail! I'm too cute for jail!

2) Starting sometime in January, I am going to start a weight loss program through the local hospital.  It's not a surgical thing, but it is a very intense, very specialized program that will take into consideration the medication that I'm on.  I'll have to have medical tests, blood tests, I have to see a dietician and a behaviorist (? That doesn't sound right, but it's something like that.) and I have to go to meetings, work with a trainer and all that jazz.  It's a program that is more suited for people with much more severe weight issues than I have, but I figure that if I'm having this much trouble controlling my weight, I need some kind of help.  Steve is going to do it with me, so hopefully by the summer we will see some results.  I'll never be a supermodel, and I wouldn't want to be, but maybe I'll be more comfortable in my own skin!  That happens rarely these days!  I mean, I have my moments, but it hasn't happened much recently. ;)

At any rate, if you notice that I'm angry a lot starting in January, it's probably because I haven't had chocolate in a while.  I'll try not to talk about it too much, but I have a feeling I'll need to vent occasionally.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

3) OK, so our heater had to be turned off last week because of a crack in our heat exchange.  Apparently that would have caused a small carbon monoxide leak (that could explain SO many things, y'all!) and we could have died.  We didn't though, so, you know...yay!

It's kind of weird, though. We had no idea that it was time for our winter HVAC evaluation, so when they called and said they were sending someone over to look at the heater, I said that it was fine.  He only had to look for a second before he realized that we were in some trouble.  I think someone was looking out for us.  Anyway, he said we'd need to either repair the unit we have, or buy a whole new one.  Yeah...that's expensive, so we called a guy who does HVAC for our church and he quoted us a lot less to fix it, so we're going to do that.  He had to order some parts, so I hope that they come in very soon!

We have been very cold in the house, though.  You know, I don't think I've ever fully appreciated having central heating before.  It has been about 54-56 degrees inside, and we have to wear coats and shoes and cover up with blankets when we are watching TV.  We have to wear pants.  PANTS, y'all!  It's been tolerable, although not pleasant.  Steve thinks it's like camping, but I think he's nuts. The worst part is the bathroom.  A freezing cold toilet is no fun and taking a shower in a cold bathroom is also unpleasant.  Also, trying to put in contact lenses that have been soaking in cold liquid is a special kind of hell, but a hell I can live with! My makeup doesn't behave the way it should, because some of the stuff that is supposed to be liquid has solidified, and some of the stuff that is solid has become difficult to use. I find myself feeling very pitiful at times, but I have to remind myself that there are people who don't have central heat, so really, I'm just being a big weenie about it.  It's cold, but I'm still inside.  I have a house and electricity, I just don't have heat.  I need to MAN THE FECK UP!  I do try and remind myself all of those things, but it's not easy when you are a spoiled white girl, you know.

4) As I'm sure you know, we had a rather important election here yesterday.  During campaigning, the rest of the country took the opportunity to run down the state of Alabama and judge it according to the most base stereotypes.  I found myself having to defend our state to a lot of strangers online, but my friend, the Very Reverend Kenny Smith (not the basketball player) did a much better job than I ever could.  You should read his Twitter thread about it.

Friday, December 01, 2017


OK, I Have been considering something that I wrote earlier and feel like I need to clarify my statement. I was being irresponsible and I want to explain myself in case someone who doesn’t know me stumbles upon my tiny little blog and takes what I said the wrong way.

I have been telling you guys about the medicine I’m on for my panic attacks, and how I don’t like it.  I don’t like it, but the thing is, I need it. I need it and it works.

A very large part of my problem with taking the medication is that it takes control of my feelings out of my hands. I have said for years that I don’t like to feel feelings and that is only partly true. What I actually want to be able to do is have control over my feelings so that I don’t cry in public, or get my feelings hurt so easily, or any of the other millions of unpleasant things that happen because we have human emotions. The issue is that when left to my own devices, I feel too many things and it’s hard to control. I’m an emotional person and I always have been. I’m prone to going into some pretty deep depressions, just like a lot of other people do. My feelings are easily hurt, I get disappointed because sometimes I expect too much and things don’t turn out the way I hoped, and I sometimes get crushing, achingly lonely. Thing is, I think most people feel like I do, only instead of taking it in stride as part of the human condition, it can feel to me like a weakness. I know I don’t have control over much in this life, so my desire to control my feelings is one of those things I reach for and unfortunately, it isn’t a skill I’m good at.  I mostly try to hide that part of me by dealing with my shit outside of the public eye, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel things. I’m a big, squishy marshmallow of a person when I wish I was more of a rock, ya know?

So, enter the panic attacks. If you want to know what it’s like not to have control over anything in your own brain, please have a panic attack. It’s literally as if every fear, every emotion, every bad thing that might happen piles up on top of you and tries to smother you. You can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t control your body’s sucks. A lot of people see them as being the product of a weak person, but in reality, chronic anxiety attacks are a weird brain chemical thing. My grandmother had them, and unfortunately that was one of the prizes I got in the family genetic lottery.  Personally, I’d have rather gotten blue eyes, but I had no say in the matter. She was on primitive medication to control her anxiety for longer than I’ve been alive, and she handled it.

I have to be on my own medication so that I can function. Do I like it, absolutely not. There are side effects that I hate. Instead of having too many emotions, I currently have this fairly level baseline that can occasionally be disrupted either in good ways or bad ways. Instead of having a whole palette of colorful, vivid emotions, I now have a few muted colors that I can mix and match to paint my life with and for a person like me, that isn’t what I prefer. I want the colors and textures and all of that, but I want to be in complete control of the picture that I paint. The physical effects the medicine has on me sucks. The inability to focus sucks. Gaining weight sucks. Feeling like things and people that I know are very, very, very important to me are fading or faraway SUCKS. Not having a normal brain sucks the worst.

All that being said, here is why I’m writing this...(finally, heh.)

Sometimes we need a little help. Chances are, I won’t be on this medication for the rest of my life.  There are a million things that can effect your brain chemicals, and maybe mine are just temporarily out of whack. These meds aren’t ruining my life. They are a small inconvenience. I don’t want anyone to read the things I write about being on medication for my issues and think that it’s too scary to get help if they need it. I don’t want someone who might be depressed, or who has anxiety, or any number of other things not to get help because the idea of being on medication for a mental illness, or a temporary (or not so temporary) depression isn’t worth it. If you need help, please go and get it. Side effects are unpleasant, but so are violent anxiety attacks and deep, deep depressions.  Sure, you can diet and exercise and distract yourself in lots of ways, and if that works for you, trust me, I’m thrilled for you. But sometimes a person needs more than that, and if you find that all of the other stuff doesn’t work and you are miserable, please bite the bullet and go see a doctor. You may only need to talk to someone impartial to your life and medication won’t be necessary, but if you do need to take something, it isn’t a weakness.

Now, does this mean I’m going to stop bitching about the side effects of my medicine? Absolutely not! Haha! Talking about what it is doing to me helps me to deal with it. However, it might not effect you or anyone else in the same way, so don’t take my bitching about it as a sign that you shouldn’t take your own meds if you really need them.

If you need help, please go and get it. Live your best life, even if that means you have to take a detour now and again with therapy or medication to reach it.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017


1) Y'all, I can't focus on anything these days.  I'm sure it's the medication that I'm on, or at least it isn't helping things.  I started writing something three weeks ago and never finished it, so I'm starting all over on something new.  I don't like having the attention span on a chipmunk, but here we are.

2) Earlier this month, Steve and I went to Nerd Con, which is a small sci-fi/pop culture convention held at our local library.  Our friend Anthony works there and he's on the board for the event, so we like to go and support him.  We didn't stay long, but it was fun.  

There was a woman there who is amazing at cosplay.  She has very elaborate costumes that she makes herself, and she's been to several similar events in town before.  It's all very impressive.  She also had a booth where she sold things that she makes.  In particular, she had some sci-fi themed fascinators (which are fancy hair pins with big flowers and such.)  The lady in question happened to be dressed as a female Loki (from the Thor movies) and her costume was heavily corseted and, um.... very revealing in her upper mountainous region, if you get my drift.  Like, she had some "huge tracts if land" and a great deal of that land was on display.  I didn't realize any of this until I stopped at her booth and asked about her hair pins, so she took one off of the display and started showing me how to wear it.  She held it up to her hair and then said "Or you could pin it on your dress" and began showing me all of the different places on her neckline where a flower pin might go.  Now, I can appreciate huge tracts of land as much as anyone, but I don't need an in depth tour of all of it.  She spent so much time pinning that thing on different parts of her chest that I was stuck between being uncomfortable for staring, and not wanting to be rude and look away while she was talking to me.  There was one moment where I almost wanted to say "Your eyes are up there! Your eyes are up there!"

It didn't occur to me until much later that perhaps the lingering tour of her neckline was done for my benefit, and while I appreciate the thought, that kind of thing doesn't sway me one way or the other about buying things. Boobs hold no power over me!  I have my own considerable weapons in that battle!  And no, in the end I didn't buy a fascinator.  I'd never have been able to put it in my hair without wondering if it had been in her cleavage.

3) We had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year!  As usual, we traveled to Georgia to spend time with Steve's family.  There was a lot of cooking, a lot of laughing, and more napping than I probably should have done, but it was nice.  I managed to stay off of my phone/iPad/computer more than I have in a really long time, so that was weird.  All in all, it was a good trip and I hope we have a lot more of them still left to go.  I'm incredibly lucky that the family I married into loves me so much, and that they are the kind of people I can love in return.

Steve had a business trip immediately following our visit over there, so Mr. Lee and I dropped him off at the airport in Atlanta (I hate that airport. I HATE IT!) and then we drove home together.  We listed to Fox News (oy) part of the way home, and then we found a station on satellite radio that played old 1940's radio shows, so we listened to that the rest of the way.  We didn't talk much, but that's OK!  Comfortable silences are sometimes a blessing.

4)  I had something called Bulletproof Coffee this morning.  I've heard about it before, but I'd never seen it in ready made bottles, so I bought a couple of them to see what it was like.  I'm not certain what the deal with bulletproof coffee is, except that instead of milk or cream, it has butter and coconut oil in it and it's supposed to be very smooth and make you less jittery than regular coffee, while still giving you an energy boost from the caffeine.  According to their website it's supposed to give you energy from high quality fats instead of sugar.  I don't know, it just sounded cool, so I got some.  It didn't taste bad at all, but y' was thick and very creamy, but not exactly in the most pleasant way.  It was a little like drinking some kind of coffee flavored gravy, and although that sounds gross, it wasn't gross.  However it was oily and it made me very sick to my stomach.  Out of the 11 oz. that the container held, I was only able to drink about 5 oz before my body refused to take any more of it.  I do have energy somewhat akin of a caffeine high, but I'm not shaking, so that's good.  I have another bottle at home.  I think I'll portion it out and see if that helps.  It was expensive, so I'm going to finish it no matter what.  Right now, though, I'm not looking forward to it.  Bleck.

5) OK, and update of my medicine, since I mentioned it above.  I'm doing ok, although I can defiantly tell a difference in how I feel and think.  I will say this first: the panic attacks haven't been as bad, although I'm still having them almost every morning.  Well, let me rephrase, I still have the physical symptoms of the panic attacks (some days worse than others) but my brain hasn't been latching on to that feeling and sending me full throttle into mental panic mode as often.  Instead of thinking of the worst possible thing and worrying it to death, I manage to reroute those kind of thoughts into a different direction.  I appreciate that.  However, along with the inability to focus on anything longer than 45 minutes or so, I can tell my Give-A-Damn is broken.  There are things and people I am very invested in, and I find myself forgetting about all of that stuff from time to time.  I really, really don't want to forget about any of them, but sometimes my brain goes into white-noise mode and I find myself not thinking of anything for stretches of time.  I think that's why I like being on my iPad so much, because it gives me something to engage with. I also have zero motivation to do anything, which is bad.  I still don't want to get out of bed, or go many places, or do anything most of the time, so I have to force myself to do all of these things.  I don't like that, but it's like the part of my brain that contained my "get up and go" has gotten up and left without me.  This doesn't help the gaining weight part, either. I'm still doing that, which sucks.  Mostly I feel ok, but I'm so tired all of the time and  if I sit still too long I'll go to sleep.  It's all very strange, but I go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks and hopefully she will adjust what needs to be adjusted and I can go back to being a real girl again.  Stupid anxiety disorder.  Stupid medicine.  Stupid brain.  Just keep your fingers crossed for me! 

6) Ooh!  I finished a whole blog post in one sitting!  Maybe there is something to this bulletproof coffee after all! :)

Monday, October 30, 2017


1) Saturday evening, Steve and I attended a wedding out in Big Spring Park.  We didn't really know the couple, but Steve was hired to play his trumpet as an accompaniment to the pianist (who is the pianist at our church and stepmother to the bride.)  It was a lovely ceremony and Steve sounded great.

Y' was cold.  

It was, at most, 49 degrees.  We were sitting right on the edge of the water and the wind was blowing.  I felt sorry for the bridesmaids, because none of them were wearing sleeves!  I was wearing a long sleeved dress, boots, a thick coat and a scarf and I was still cold.  Steve had it even worse because he had to keep his horn warm and wasn't wearing gloves or a coat.  Granted, I know October in the South is usually still warm, but this was not a usual warm October day. There were maw maws out there that had to be wrapped in blankets! How will that couple feel if someone's grandmother dies because they got pneumonia sitting outside at their wedding?

Couples take everyone's life in their hands when they get married outside in Alabama. If you're reading this and are considering having an outdoor wedding,  Please.  You'll either get everyone killed in a tornado, choke them on pollen, they will fry to death, or they'll freeze.  Alabama is not a place where being outdoors is pleasant except for just a few days a season. You can't possibly know which days they will be!  We live in the Bible Belt.  You can find a church on every corner, some of which are air conditioned!  If you aren't particularly religious, there are many interesting and beautiful historical locations, or even places of local interest that host weddings - ALL INDOORS! Take pity on the people you have invited to your nuptials.  Think of the maw maws.

2) We had our annual church picnic yesterday and I got to run the cotton candy booth again!  I like doing that.  It's fun.  Not only do I get to run a machine that melts sugar, I get to hand over a wad of colored candy to smiling little kids.  In fact, everyone I gave cotton candy to smiled.  It was nice.  You can't be mad or sad while eating cotton candy.  I enjoyed myself. I also don't want to eat cotton candy again for a very long time.

What I didn't enjoy was the wind.  It was cold outside and the wind was blowing, and even though the machine had a hood over it, the wind would get inside of it and blow the candy all over me.  I was plated with it.  It was in my hair and on my clothes and stuck to my face!  Even my eyelashes were sticky with it.  I tried combing my hair when I got home and I couldn't get the comb to go through my hair at all.  It was gross.  Silver lining, though, I smelled heavenly and if you licked my face, you'd get a sugar high!

3) here's a mini update on my brother: He's actually doing a bit better than he was.  He's able to drink a little bit, and he seems to feel a little bit better.  He does still get sick every few days, but not as badly as he was before.  Thanks for all of the positive vibes, and keep them coming.

Thursday, October 19, 2017


Heehee.  The other day I was taking some pictures of pictures that we have hanging in our hallway (the official photo gallery of every American suburban family.) Steve and I have exactly one picture from our wedding on display in the house, and not many people have ever seen it, so I thought I'd post it to Facebook.  We've been married a long time, so I don't usually post wedding pictures, but I thought this one was cute.  Steve had hair, we looked happy, yadda yadda yadda...

Lots of people liked it, because of course they did.  Who doesn't like a good wedding picture?  But people have been telling us "Happy Anniversary!" all week.  Our anniversary is in November!  Of course they don't know that, because why should they, but now I wonder if I should post anything in November about our actual anniversary. I don't want embarrass anyone who has told us happy anniversary already.  They are so sincere about it that I hate to tell them they're wrong. 

Eh, I'll just tell Steve happy anniversary in private.  Like some kind of psychopath.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017


Yesterday was the first day of the work week for us, since Monday was Columbus Day and our offices were closed.

One of the first things I always do is to open the church's email to see if there is anything important that came in over the weekend. So I opened Outlook and the emails began to load.  One of the first ones I noticed was from last Friday, and it stuck out because it was from a real person and not an organization. It was an inquiry from a local mom about our yearly Fall Festival, which, modest as it is, it is kind of a big deal for some of the kids in the neighborhood.

I was just about to answer the message when I saw a second message from the same sender, which had arrived on Monday when the offices were closed, and in the preview line for the message, it said "Are you sure?"

I opened the second message and read it, and it said "Are you sure? The website said it would be on the 29th." I looked down a little further, and saw that I had written something along the lines of "Hi! It will be on November 1st."  I was completely confused, because A) I had not received or sent a message to/from this woman at any point last week, B) clearly I had written this woman back, because the evidence was right there, and C) That isn't the right date at all.

You know how sometimes a thing will happen, and you start questioning your own sanity?  Well, I sat there reading my own words and began to wonder if I actually had been at work on Monday and just didn't remember.  I remembered sleeping in, I remembered Steve making breakfast, and I remembered going to Best Buy on Monday, but maybe that was all a weird hallucination! I got that weird feeling in my stomach like I was about to find out the world was fake and I was nothing more than a brain in a jar hooked up to a battery or something.

I finally decided to re-read the entire message and saw that, yes, the woman had written the original email last Friday, October 5th. My reply was written on October 9th...but in 2015.  I have no idea what happened, but the lady had apparently written me the same question and message two years before, and had actually replied to a 2 year old response.  I don't know if I was more confused at that, or that she apparently still had my 2015 message in her inbox to reply to.

Anyway, I thought that was weird.  I deleted her messages and didn't write back, just in case there was some type of time warp thing and by sending her another email, I'd tear a hole in the space-time continuum.  Safety first!

Tuesday, October 03, 2017


I found a new YouTube channel that I love to watch.  I don't even know why I like it, but it's very soothing for some reason.

I have no idea how I came across these videos, but then, sometimes on YouTube you go to watch a scene from Ferris Beuller, fall down a rabbit hole of videos, and wind up watching a how-to video on home circumcision.  (Right?  That's happened to more than just me?)

Anyway, these videos are by an outfit called "James Townsend and Sons" and, according to their website they are "a manufacturer and retailer of quality reproduction 18th and early 19th Century clothing and personal accessories."  They are located in Pierceton, IN, and from what I understand, sell their merchandise to historical reenactors and the like.

The main guy, James, does 18th and early 19th century cooking, using actual recipes from those times, and usually he tries to do them using the tools and techniques that would have been used back then.  He sometimes stirs things with sticks.  I don't know why I like it so much, but it's very interesting.  He's gone to other historical places, kind of like Constitution Hall Village or Colonial Williamsburg type places, and he gets workers from there to show him how to make things from their particular area.  He also seems to have a thing for nutmeg. 

Also, the guy is so freaking EARNEST and excited about what he's doing that I can't help but enjoy watching him.  I don't know if any of you like watching people cook, much less historical cooking stuff, but this man is fun to watch just because he seems to be so in love with what he's doing.  He reminds me of Bob Ross a little, only less soft spoken. 

Why am I telling you about this?  I dunno.  I like it, so I'm telling you in case you might like it, too.  It's call sharing, CAROL!

In case you're bored one day, or develop a need to know how to make boiled puddings, you should go and watch a couple of videos. 


Sunday, October 01, 2017


I've been almost sick most of the weekend. Nothing terrible, but whatever I have made me feel yucky enough to miss church today.

After making sure someone would be able to cover the sound booth for services, and letting the others who'd be calling to track me down know what was going on - because that's what happens when you work for a church, I went back to bed and have been dozing off and on all morning.

Every time I doze off, I have a dream I wake up in a bed someplace else. When I wake up, I am back in my own bed. At least, I think that's what is going on. Maybe I'm in one of those other beds and am dreaming I'm waking up in this bed. I'm so confused.

I also dreamed I went to a football game with the wife of a friend of mine, but I'm pretty sure that actually was a dream.

Maybe I'm in the matrix. Someone send me Keanu Reeves.

Friday, September 29, 2017


1) The funeral went well, thank you for asking.  I managed to get the service in order and everything went smoothly as far as I could tell. Doing A/V for a funeral is as nerve wracking as it is doing it for someone's wedding, because if you play the wrong song, or a video doesn't play at the right time, you can't just say "Hey, hold up! Gimme a second!"  Luckily, that didn't happen!

During the song I was concerned about, I took a ball point pen and stabbed myself in the leg with it, so I managed to not cry as much as I might have.  It's not a bad trick, but my leg hurt for the rest of the day!  Haha!

2) The other day I had too much caffeine and was overly enthusiastic in my greeting to the UPS man.  It was uncomfortable.

Also, our UPS man is very nice and he remembers my name, but I don't know his name, but I can't ask him at this point because it would be awkward to admit I don't know it.

3) A small update on my brother.  I saw him last week, and although he is slowing down and sleeping more and more, the hospice nurses say that his vitals are pretty good and he seems to be in good spirits.  Please continue to keep him and my mom in mind, because this situation is still very tough.

4) I had to buy a new wedding band, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.  I don't wear my original wedding band and although I already had two alternate rings, one is too small and the other belonged to my grandmother and I'm too scared to wear it because I don't want to lose it!

I went to Wal-Mart (don't judge me) because I knew that they had cheap rings there, and I picked out a wide silver band.  I think it might be a man's ring, though, because it's very thick and not-at-all feminine.  It feels like I'm wearing a hula hoop on my hand.  It's also very shiny, which makes me feel self conscious!  Eh, well, it fits, and people can see it, so everyone will know I am married. That's what they're for, right?

I guess I could have shelled out for a few diamond stack rings or something, but why be vulgar, dahling?  Haha!   I'll worry about having diamonds when I'm older and have paid off more bills.

5) I wore some metallic green lipstick to work to mess with my boss.  That probably sounds kind of silly, but you have to understand, the pastor at my church is easily distracted by anything even the slightest bit unusual, so I felt it was my duty to play this little joke. Unfortunately, he didn't come into work, so I figured my coworker (who is also usually very observant and critical about anything even slightly unusual) would get a kick out of it.

Either he never noticed it, or he was not in the mood, because even though we had a conversation, he never mentioned it.  I was honestly surprised, because it is exactly the kind of thing he'd normally jump right on to.  I was determined to play it out, even though I looked ridiculous, but he never said anything.  I finally had to try and take it off, because eating breakfast was smearing it around. I say I "tired" to take it off, because the stupid stuff stained my lips.  I looked like I'd either been deprived of oxygen, or that I'd had a hot date with Kermit the Frog.

*EDIT: The pastor came to work late and noticed that my lips were the wrong color, even though the lipstick was gone. I am TICKED that he didn't get to see them green! It would have been funny.

6) OK, about the otters and why I abandoned them for a bit:  Someone told me (innocently, of course) that otters do terrible things.  I googled what it was, and yes, some otters do terrible things to baby seals.  I couldn't get that out of my head for a while, so every time I saw otters, I thought of what I had learned about them.  I mean, yeah, that's silly, but since I used pictures of otters to kind of forget
about the bad things of the world, it was no fun to think "Oh, how cute! Well, except for the ones who do these terrible things! In fact, forget how cute they are! They do terrible things!" That is, unfortunately, the way my mind works sometimes.  Heh.  Anyway, I've come to terms with the fact that, just like people, some of them are bastards and some are adorable, so I'm going to focus on the adorable ones.

They make me feel better.  Shut up.

7) Sometimes I make poor choices. I hope you fine people can still love me in spite of that.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


I'm taking otters back!  I don't care if some of them commit atrocities!  I think they're adorable and they make me feel better when I'm sad.

I'm not even sad right now, but I'm still putting up an otter because it's cute!

Never let anyone take away your otters.

That is all.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017


It occurred to me a couple of days ago that it will have been 10 years ago this coming Sunday (October 1st) that my father passed away.

It probably sounds odd to say that it "occurred" to me, because it seems like I should have the dates marked on a calendar, but really, missing someone doesn't work like that.  Well, at least not for me.  There really isn't a timeline in grief, it just is.  It goes back and forth between better and worse over and over, like the tides, but it never goes away. Even though you are aware of the days and hours, it also runs altogether into one big wash of time.

Ten years, though.  Somehow it seems like it just happened yesterday and sometimes it feels like it happened a hundred years ago.  Haha, how's that for a cliche?

I don't remember a whole lot about that time, because everything seemed so unreal, but the things I do remember are hard set in my mind.  Sara brought food to my mom's house and Steve had to bring me clothes - but nothing he brought fit exactly right.  A friend from church came by my mom's house and I was confused because I didn't know how she knew where I was.  Kenny came to my dad's visitation, stayed to the very end, and was the first person to make me laugh in days. His mom, Bonita, wrote me the kindest letter afterwards because she knew what it was like to lose a father unexpectedly. Our cousins Greg, Amy, and Kristin drove three hours to be there for the funeral, and Steve's boss sent a basket of beautiful flowers.  It's weird what you remember about times like that, but those are all wonderful things to remember about such an awful time, so I'm glad those memories stayed.

Thinking about his passing has also made me think of the past ten years and everything that has happened.  I wonder what he'd think about all of it?  For at least the five years following his death, every year I lost so much and so much changed. I changed.  I'm not the same person that I was, and it makes me wonder if he would even like me now. I hope so!  It's hard not to let yourself become hard and cynical when you're faced with certain things, but would him being here to talk to have made any of that better? I dunno.

Heh, I actually started out hoping to wrote an eloquent, heartfelt ode to my dad, but it didn't end up being that, did it?  That's ok, though.  Some people would be much better at expressing themselves than I am, but for me, all I can say is that I miss him and I wish he was here. I'll probably always feel that way.

One thing I've learned through his death and all that followed is that losing someone you love doesn't really get easier.  It doesn't matter if they die, if they just lose touch, or if your relationship with them changes in some significant, but diminished, way. If you ever truly cared anything about them, it hurts when that happens.  It's unfair that people can suddenly be out of your life before you're finished loving them.

And that's all I've got to say about that.


Thursday, September 21, 2017


1) Ugh.  One of our long time church deacons passed away yesterday, and I have been helping set up certain aspects of the funeral service.  It's never easy to help with a funeral, but I'm glad to do it because people in mourning aren't usually in the right frame of mind to handle all the little details that they want taken care of.  My particular job is to handle the A/V for the service, and that means I make sure the music that they want is available, that the photo slide shows are created, and that the service is set up to run smoothly.  Not a fun job, but one I am suited for, I guess.

Today I was working on putting everything together in the sanctuary computer so that when I get the order of service, I can put everything where it needed to go.  The family had sent me a list of 3 songs that had to be downloaded to be included in the service, and because of the program we use to run services (it's specific to churches to make things flow) I had to run the files within that program to make sure that we had the music in its entirety. One song was the Navy song, "Anchors Aweigh," one song was a hymn, and one song was "Go Rest High On That Mountain."  Damnit.

That song.  That damnable song.  I cry every time I hear it.  There are reasons, which I will not go into here, that it punches me right in the feelings and I can't get through it with any dignity.  Today, though, (and I'll explain why further down) I thought that I was going to make it all the way through with no problem.  I was sitting in the back of the church, singing along, thinking to myself that I was doing very well and then BOOM! Snotty, ugly, full on sobbing.  I couldn't stop.  Even when the song was over, I had to sit there and collect myself before going back into the office.

To add insult to injury, I had decided to wear what I thought was waterproof mascara today, only to find out that it was most assuredly NOT water proof.  I looked like a psychotic racoon.  Also, wiping my eyes caused both of my contacts to fold in half and slide into the corners of my eyes, which, if you've ever worn contacts, you know hurts like the devil.  So I had to go into the bathroom and try and repair my face and my eyes, and after all the sobbing and such, I looked like a sad, asthmatic clown and all I wanted to do was go home and eat a whole bag of potato chips.  Chips help sadness.  It's science.

How in the world am I supposed to actually run this stuff during the service on Saturday, when I can't even get through the one song when setting it up?  Oy.

2) OMG, I am so embarrassed!  I had to go run some errands earlier this week, and when I got out to the car, I clicked the remote to open the doors, heard them unlock, and then tried to open the door.  I say tried, because the door didn't move, but I know that it had unlocked because I'd heard the click. Turns out, it wasn't my car.  It wasn't a Volkswagen and it wasn't even really the same shape as my car.  The only thing it WAS, was red. My car was parked right next to the one I tried to open, which is why I heard the locks click, but apparently I walked right past it.

Seriously, folks, how do I still not know what my car looks like?  Granted, I drove the Seabring for 12 years, but still, I've never had this much trouble learning my new cars when I change one.   I'm going to have to get some stickers or something for the back window, because I need some sort of indicator that I'm actually at my own vehicle.  This is getting embarrassing!

3) I mentioned in my last entry that my doctor had put me on antidepressants (to help me with panic attacks) and I hate them. No, let me rephrase. I HAAAAAAAAAAATE THEM!

Now, I know this is going to sound kind of personal, but I hope you won't mind if I kind of describe the experience I'm having with this medication as things progress. It takes several weeks before it establishes itself into your chemical makeup, so changes come in stages.  I've had to take this kind of stuff at least twice before in my life (for different reasons) and this is the first time I've been so aware of the changes it's making as it's actually happening.  I think it'll help me to talk about it a little.

I've already told you about how I can't focus and how I'm gaining weight at an alarming pace.  The weight thing I expected, because the universe is a terrible place, but not being able to focus on anything is hard!  I already have the attention span of a ferret with ADHD, but now it's worse!  I'm either unable to sleep, or so tired I fall asleep whenever I sit down. I think the worst of it, though, is that now that the medicine has begun to work on my brain chemicals, I'm beginning to notice times when my feelings are getting numb.  Not all of them, of course, because that would make the most sense, but I don't really feel happy or joy or anything like that.  During those times, if I feel anything, I mostly feel sad, scared or irritated.  I also have times when I don't want to do anything at all.  I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to read, or do crafts, or do my graphics work, or go anywhere.  I just want to lie in bed and not do anything except communicate by email and internet, because it feels less complicated than real life.  It feels exactly like being in a deep depression, only without the depression. That part actually scares me the most, because I've been a zombie on this type of medication before, and it makes you not care about anyone or anything. I don't want to be like that again.  I'm afraid of the toll that it will take on my friendships and relationships.  There are people I love so much, and what if I can't show them? Will I stop contacting them, or cut myself off from everyone?  Will I start feeling like I don't need them anymore?  I really, really don't want to do that to anyone.  Not that anyone really relies on me, I guess, but the people I love, I love a lot, so what if I start avoiding them?  What if someone needs me?  Will I be able to help them? What will happen when I'm taken off of this medicine at some point?  Will I have irreparably scarred my friendships by not being emotionally available, or even physically available?  I'm concerned that all of that will happen, even though it might not be as bad as all of that, but it's a possibility!  I don't want to hurt anyone! I don't have a surplus of friends, and I'd like to keep the ones I have, if you please.  It sucks.  I'm thankful, at this point at least, that I don't feel like that all of the time.  I can pull myself out of the funk and be somewhat normal, but it's when I'm not actively trying to engage with people that I slip into that...blah-ness.  So I guess I'm sort of letting everyone know, before I go into that possible trance-esque state, that I still love you and will be back to normal as soon as I can! Please don't go anywhere! 

You have no idea how much I wish I didn't need to be put on this stuff.  I'd just like to have a normal brain, please!  Well, as normal as could be I guess, haha.  I guess at this point it's better than having a panic attack and thinking I'm dying. That'll be my silver lining for today!

4) Today is the last day of summer!  Woo-Hoo!  Everyone pull out the tall boots and the sweaters!  Of course, it'll still be in the 80s up until December here, but I like the idea of fall at least!  Bring on the colored leaves!

Wednesday, September 13, 2017


1) OK, so this is new.  Did you know that I have a form of OCD?  I sure didn't.  I don't have to touch the doorknob 23 times before leaving the house, nor do I aggressively clean and organize the house (which is really too bad) but apparently it has to do with my thought patterns.  You know how I tend to get a song stuck in my head for days and days?  That is a part of it!  How weird is that?

I had to go to the doctor a few weeks ago for a checkup and I told her about my panic attacks.  I don't know what I thought she could do about them, but it's certainly not normal to wake up in the middle of the night almost every night with the feeling that the world is going to end, right?  So, as I'm explaining this to her, she asked if part of these panic attacks included thoughts that seemed to overwhelm me, and I told her yes (because that's how panic attacks work) and so she put me on medicine for them.  I was not happy. The surgery I had not long ago was specifically done to take me off of one of the two prescriptions I've been on, because I was tired of taking pills, and now I have to take an antidepressant of all things.

Don't get me wrong, it does help the thought looping.  I'm good with that, I guess.  I still wake up with the physical symptoms of the panic attacks, and I gain weight super easily, and I can't focus for shit on anything for more than 25 minutes or so, but at least I don't have Fat Bottomed Girls looping through my head on a daily basis.  Silver lining.

2) I heard the robot voice again.  Steve and I were sitting at the table looking at some papers and I heard the freaking robot voice again, and Steve didn't hear it and he wouldn't believe that I heard anything!  I promise you, I'm not crazy and I don't normally hear voices, but I swear I heard the robot voice outside of our house again!

I swear on the manger of sweet baby Jesus, that if this is some kind of joke he's playing on me, like when he made my computer talk to me, I will beat him to death with my shoes.

3)  I had an odd, but funny, experience the other day.  Ok, maybe not as odd as the robot voice (THAT I SWEAR IS FREAKING REAL, YOU GUYS) but still odd.  I'm not going to use names, because that would be unnecessarily telling, but almost anyone who personally knows me will know who I'm talking about!

OK, so someone I went to school with is kind of famous now.  Not super, everyone would know his name kind of famous, but famous in a certain circle.  He and I were pretty good friends back in the day, but I haven't actually seen him in person since we graduated from high school.  I've kept up with him on social media, which is why I know he's kind of famous, and I've been following his career with interest because, hey, we were friends and it's neat that he's doing his thing and doing well in it.  Good for him!  Not long ago, I happened to see him out in the wild, so I ran up to him and gave him a big hug (like I do) and we started talking a little bit.  Of course I asked him about his career and all of that, but mainly I just wanted to know how he was doing.  While we were talking, I started noticing that he was talking to me the way you'd talk to a little kid.  There was a lot of wide eyed, somewhat disingenuous, "Oh really? Wow!" type of reactions to the things I said.  I didn't think anything of it at first, but as we kept talking, I realized that he wasn't talking to me like an old friend, or even really listening to me.  He was talking to me like he would talk to one of his fans!  Full disclosure, while I do follow his career, I don't actually buy his merchandise or go to his events, so I wouldn't call myself a fan!  I didn't really know what to do, but I didn't want to make it weird by laughing at him, so I just told him I had to go and waited until I was far enough away to laugh.  It was very odd to see someone you spent nearly every day with from 8th-12th grade and be treated like a stranger who's asking for an autograph, but there ya go!  Haha!

4) There was more, but that "not being able to focus" thing has robbed me of my memory!  Maybe I was going to talk about something awesome, maybe not.  I'll probably remember in an hour when I'm nowhere near a computer.  Oh, well.  We'll pretend I wrote something super interesting here, ok?!   

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Feeling blue, but otters got ruined for me and now I have to use penguins. 
 Penguins aren't quite the same, but they'll do for now.

(I swear that if anyone ruins penguins for me, I'll burn the whole damn world to the ground.)

Tuesday, September 05, 2017


We left fairly early Monday morning and headed back to Valdosta.  We did make a stop at the Jacksonville Trader Joes, because when you don't have a local Trader Joes, you have to make a haul when you find one, amiright?  The cookie butter alone...oh my.

We made it back to Sara's house right as the solar eclipse was starting.  If there was anything I regretted about this particular trip, it was that I was so far away from eclipse totality.  Eh, it's ok.  If I'm still alive in 7 years, hopefully I'll get to see it then.  At any rate, we all got our stylish cardboard glasses and headed out to the backyard to watch the moon go by.  It was still pretty cool, even at 94% totality!  It got dimmer outside, and the temperature cooled off considerably, but it wasn't so drastic that it looked much different than just a cloudy day. stuff!

Afterwards, Sara and I decided to end our vacation with a bang by getting a couple of Red Box DVDs, getting into our PJs at 4:30 in the afternoon (do NOT judge us), and watching two of the worst movies we've seen in years, "King Arthur: Legend of the Sword" (the dungeon octopus lady is worth checking out, heh) and "Snatched" with Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn...bless their hearts.  Still, though, it was nice to hang out and relax.

There was one aspect of the day that wasn't so much fun.  I haven't mentioned it before now, because it was very sad, but Sara's 13 year old Jack Russel terrier Scrappy had been very sick.  The vet didn't know what was wrong with him, but he had stopped eating and drinking, and would pretty much just follow you around with big, puppy dog eyes, albeit with occasional bursts of barking, but mainly, he just wanted to be held.  The vet didn't think he'd make it for very long, but he hung in there the whole time we were in Florida, and seemed to be about the same when we came back.  I was glad to be able to see him again, because he was a very sweet dog.  So during the movies, Scrappy and I cuddled on the couch, I petted him, and I told him what a good boy he was.  I also explained that he didn't need to worry, because when he was ready to go, my own boys would be waiting to play with him when he got to the other side.  Needless to say, Sara and I loved on and cried over that dog a lot that afternoon. (Kind of like I'm crying now thinking about it, damnit.)  As it turned out, Scrappy hung in there for another few days before Sara finally had to make the call take him to the vet.  That's never an easy decision, but it was the best one.  He was a very good boy. :(

We basically just hung out, watched TV and talked until I had to go to bed.  It was low key, but nice.  It was a long drive back to Huntsville, so I was going to have to get up fairly early and gird my loins to drive with the semi-trucks. The next morning I got up, said my goodbyes, and headed home.

As luck would have it, when I was getting my GPS ready for the drive, it gave me a meandering, slightly longer, yet Atlanta-avoiding route home.  It was only about 45 minutes longer and instead of driving up I-75, it sort of wobbled through west Georgia, back into east Alabama and headed north.  I was fine with that, and as it turned out, it was a much more pleasant drive.  Mostly it was rural highways, and some of the roads were so backwoods that it made where I grew up look positively metropolitan, but I managed to avoid the big groups of 18 wheelers and heavy traffic. If I have to complain about anything (and I'm beginning to think that I do, haha) it was that I had no idea where I was for most of the trip.  I didn't even realize I'd made it back into Alabama until I passed a sign for Roanoke, Alabama, which I'd never heard of!  I found out that I don't know about an awful lot of places in my home state, but I'll remedy that one of these days.

I made it home just after 2:00, and I was glad to see my house.  After hauling my stuff in, I immediately took off my pants and fell asleep for about an hour! I love Sara, and her family is awesome, but they haven't reached Kelly Doesn't Wear Pants Around Them status (a high honor, of course, ha!) as of yet, so it had been a long week!

It was a really wonderful trip and I am so glad Sara and I got a chance to get together and act silly for a few days.  It's hard when you live so far away from your best friends.  Sometimes you don't realize how much you miss them until you get to see them, which makes spending time with them all the better, but the leaving part sucks.  It's still worth it, though. :)

So there you have it, folks, a tale for the ages! It had it all: danger, intrigue, exotic locations and lots and lots of food! Hopefully time and circumstance will allow me to visit her, and my other far away friends, so that I can have more adventures to tell you about!  Thanks for reliving it with me!

Thursday, August 31, 2017


Sunday we were going to get up in time to watch the sun rise from the beach.  Of course, when the alarm went off, I turned to Sara and asked "Do you still want to get up?"  The response was "murflemurflemurfle" which I took to mean, "No thank you, please!" and so we slept blissfully for another couple of hours. 

Hey, the sun comes up every day.  We'll watch it another time. 

When we finally did get up for realsies, we got ready to head down to the beach.  That day had been set aside for all beach, all day!  Woo-Hoo!  We packed up our cooler and our chairs and all of the other accoutrements, and drove down to the shore.  One of the surprisingly awesome things about this beach is that it is wide and flat enough that they allow driving and parking right out on the sand.  Normally I would hate that, I think, but there was so much room that the cars didn't get in the way and it was very convenient to have your vehicle so close by.  I didn't understand the desire to drive along the length of the beach, but I guess people need to cruise somewhere. 

Once we got settled, we sat for a while and watched people come and go.  It was really very nice.  Well, except that Sara's chair (provided by the Air BnB place) had a rip in it that kept getting bigger and bigger until she was barely hanging on for dear life. We read for a while, and then I left her behind to walk around a bit.  I didn't feel like swimming, so I only got into the water up to my knees, but it was nice to just be there. It wasn't that hot, and it was a bit cloudy, but it was wicked humid out there. I'd look down and water would have condensed all over me.  It was really strange!

We hadn't been there for long, but when I went back to our spot, Sara was looking kind of pale. She wasn't feeling well, and after a few minutes of trying to convince her that I wouldn't be upset if we left, she allowed us to pack up the car and drive back to the apartment.  Dunno what was wrong, but she must have felt terrible.  When we got back, she fell asleep and stayed asleep for a long, long time.  In the mean time, I showered and changed, and sat by the bed reading and hoped she wasn't going to die. Granted, that's a huge overstatement, but I was worried!  I finally went out on the balcony so as not to disturb her and I fell asleep out there, myself.  Naps are awesome!

I have no idea how long I was out there, but Sara was awake and feeling much, much better, so we decided to drive around a bit and get lunch.  We ate at a place called "Yellow Dog Eats" and it was wonderful.  They have great barbecue and our waiter looked a lot like Jesus, so it was awesome!  We drove around a bit after that, just talking and looking around, until we decided it would be a good idea to go back and clean the place up.  That's one of the rules, to clean up after yourself, so we did so and then packed up what we could before the next day so it wouldn't take us as long in the morning. 

We decided to eat much later in the evening, so we searched around until we found something still open and settled on the NSB Seashack, which was delightful, even if their live music was, shop level at best.  We still had a good time! 

Unfortunately, this was our last night there and just like any trip where you're having a good time, the fact that we were leaving the next day loomed.  Boo! We resigned ourselves to the fact and went to bed.  I wished we'd had several more days, but until I can become independently wealthy and not need to go back to work, I suppose all vacations will have to end at some point! 

Monday, August 28, 2017


Saturday morning we got up early so that we could make it to the local farmer's market that was being held not very far from where we were staying.  Actually, almost everything we did was not very far from where we were staying, which was nice, because driving when you don't have to sucks!

The market was fairly small, but it was much more varied than any other one I'd ever been to.  There was food, of course, but mainly the rest of the booths were crafts and things.  I really enjoyed it.  We did one circuit around the place before we bought anything, and once done, we shopped in earnest.  Well, Sara shopped in earnest and I instigated her shopping, haha!  We had a lot of fun, though. I did buy some yarn made by a local alpaca farm (because of course I did) and got a beautiful lotus shaped candle holder from a local potter.  We didn't want to buy any food, because it wouldn't have traveled well, and for that I'm sorry, because there was some awesome fruits, veggies, and prepared foods for sale there.

One incident at the farmer's market has to be told, though, because it's so stupid.  Scratch that, I am the stupid one.  I think you'll agree.  One of the stalls at the market was some kind of hippy-dippy couple selling powdered clay of some kind.  I don't remember what it was called, but I think it was supposed to be used as a cosmetic mask.  I wasn't sure, because I got distracted by another thing they were selling.  They had a small table off to the side that held what looked like small bottles of lotion. There was a sign that had the name of it (I'm not going to put it here, because I don't want anyone googling it and finding this entry) and it had a list of many, MANY, special benefits that included aligning your chakras, finding your soul mate, lucid dreaming, levitation, telepathy and the like.  Basically, it was your run of the mill hocus-pocus BS, but I was intrigued.  I asked the guy behind the table what it was (to be polite) and he started trying to explain it to me.  I asked him if it was a lotion, and he said "No, you put it under your tongue, want to try it?"  Now, normally, I'd never, ever do that unless I knew what was in it.  However, I was in "Adventurous Vacation Mode" and didn't even think before I scooped some up and put it in my mouth.  As soon as I did that, my brain kicked in, and I immediately regretted my decision.  It's pretty solid advice NOT to put random white mystery goo into your mouth when it's offered to you at a farmer's market, or really anywhere else, to be frank.  It could have been ANYTHING, y'all, and I had voluntarily put it in my mouth!  Blerg!  He offered it to Sara and she was all "Hell No!" which made me feel even stupider.  So for the duration of us standing there talking to these people, I couldn't swallow or spit, so I had this mystery substance in my mouth for what seemed like a year.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to spit without anyone noticing? I do!  I finally managed to spit it out, and I don't think I absorbed much of whatever it was, so I didn't meet my soul mate and my chakras still feel in the same position as they were before. I'm not convinced that it was a real thing.  I guess I'll never know. :)

We left the farmer's market and had breakfast, and then we moved on to Flagler Ave, which was the main street of where we were staying.  It was lined with shops and restaurants, so we spent the next few hours of the day walking, talking, shopping and eating.  It wasn't so much about spending money or eating, though, we were just enjoying hanging out.  It was great fun! I'm pretty sure several of the shop keepers we met thought we were an adorable lesbian couple (and I mean, we would be if that was the case) so that was kind of hilarious!  Eh, that's fine with me. Sara should be so lucky!  Haha!

I'm not sure how long we were out, just that by the time we got back to the apartment, we were tired.  At this point we probably could have just hung out for the rest of the day, but there was one thing that Sara wanted while we were in Florida that we hadn't found while we were out.  She told me that when she was a kid, she was never allowed to buy one of the cheesy, air brushed vacation shirts that seemed to be so ubiquitous when we were kids, so she wanted to get one as an ironic souvenir.  Used to, air brush shops were everywhere at the beach, but we had to drive 30 minutes away to Daytona Beach to find a place that still did it!  That was a mess.  I don't know how many of your have been to Daytona Beach, but it's a big, skeezy, crowded tourist trap surrounded by enormous hotels and restaurants that pretty much obscure the ocean view, but it's a POPULAR big, skeezy, crowded tourist trap.  We drove down the strip and around and around all of the places trying to find the air brush shop, but we couldn't find it!  Sara, who was driving, got angrier and angrier because we couldn't find a place to park, or even a place that resembled where we were going.  We almost gave up, but decided to call the number on the facebook page and see if they could help us.  Turns out we were driving right by it, over and over, but it blended in with all the rest of the neon, so we never saw it!  We finally managed to put our shirt order in, but it was going to take an hour and a half, so we spent the next little bit continuing to drive around and around and around and up and down Daytona, until we stopped at a beach ramp to walk out and take some pictures.  We should have done that much earlier, because about three minutes later, the air brush shop called to let us know that our shirts were ready.  Oh, they were glorious.  You can see the final design here:

Good Lord, how big is my forehead?

We've promised that these will never be worn as functioning clothing, although I'll admit, I wore mine to a drive through window after I got home, but mainly these are just for funzies and to remind us that we are classy through and through!  Haha!

It was late by the time we made it back to New Smyrna Beach and we were starving, so we found an open restaurant, which was kind of a bar, I think, and had delicious hamburgers for dinner.  Next to us was a family with small children. In a bar.  Let that sink in.  We were wiped out when we got back to our apartment, and so we got ready for bed and sat up and talked for a long time before we fell asleep.

Friday, August 25, 2017


Friday morning we got up relatively early and set off towards New Smyrna Beach!  Sara drove, thank goodness, and time seemed to go so much faster with someone to talk to!  It only took us about three hours to get there, so we got there well before we could check into our apartment, but that was fine.  We drove around and got to know the area a bit.

We stopped and got provisions for the apartment, had lunch at a tiny place called Cafe Verde, and wondered about until it was time to check it.  We LOVED the apartment.  It was small, to be sure, but so cute and perfect for what we needed.  We got settled and changed clothes, and decided to ride one of the provided bicycles down to the beach to check it out.  Unfortunately, that didn't go so well.  There were quite a few bikes in the little shed, but none of them were in great condition.  They weren't anything fancy, just regular bikes like we rode as kids, but Sara had not ridden a bike in a very long time.  I'd peddled one of the bikes to the end of the driveway to wait on her, when behind me I heard a crash.  Sara, bless her heart, and gotten on and promptly fallen off of her bike.  It was too tall for her, and the gears were rusted from exposure to salt (I assume) so when she tried to pedal, the bike hadn't gone too far.  Oops.  To my credit, I never laughed.  Ok, yes I did, but only after the fact.  She scraped up her leg pretty good, but she got it cleaned up and we walked the 80 or so yards to the beach. Screw you, rusty bicycles!

The beach was beautiful, of course!  We walked around and stepped out into the very warm water, and I looked for shells.  There weren't that many there, so I don't know if that is normal, or if it's the time of year, or what, but I found a few.  We'd brought some beach mats with us, so Sara sat and rested while I walked around some more.   It was very nice.  We had accidentally sat our mats down too near the edge of the surf, so once I came back and sat down next to Sara, a wave came and surrounded us!  It almost made off with my shoes!  Haha.  After that we decided that we would save the beach for another day and go get something to eat.

We went back to the apartment and looked in the little travel book for a restaurant.  One of the great things about New Smyrna Beach was that there weren't any (that I know of, anyway) chain places around, so we'd get to try something new each time!  That night we picked Blackbeard's Inn,  which seemed to be a very popular local place, and we had such a good time!  We also had cocktails, which might have been part of why we had such a good time.  Sara said hers didn't seem to have any alcohol in it, but mine sure did. Yikes. Ok, look, y'all, I like tequila. I just do. Pretty much anything else is gross to me, but I like tequila, so I got two margaritas.  That was too many for me, due to my low alcohol tolerance, but at least I didn't do anything embarrassing.  I did, however, tell Sara all of my secrets and now I can never make her angry, or she'll ruin my life.  :)  Everything got very fuzzy for a bit and I had trouble walking to the car, but I didn't take off any of my clothes and I didn't French kiss a stranger, so at least there was that!  Thankfully, even though the alcohol hit me pretty hard, it didn't bother me for long.  By the time we'd made it back to our place, I was only just a little silly and we sat up and talked for a long time before finally going to sleep. 


Hello, friends and random Internet people who've never been here before!

I went on an adventure last week!  Sara (one of my best friends in the world) and I have been wanting to go on a girl's only trip for some time now, and after talking about it for a year or two we finally decided to do it!

Sara, who is used to organizing things for her family, basically planned it for us.  I'm very grateful for that! She found a nice Air BnB apartment (this one, which was awesome and you should go and stay there too) which is located in New Smyrna Beach, FL.  I'd never even heard of New Smyrna Beach. It was charming and small, had all kinds of shops and restaurants, and it wasn't anything like Panama City Beach, which is a plus. Trust me.

My part of the adventure actually started on Thursday morning, because I was going to be driving down to Sara's house, which is located in Valdosta, Georgia.  I'll admit, I was a little nervous about driving all that way alone.  After getting my license, I was never allowed to take long trips by myself (I was quite sheltered. Heh.) and even when I became an adult, driving long distances my myself was heavily discouraged by my family.  I'd love to say that I thumbed my nose at them and went where I wanted anyway, but when you have people who you love and trust telling you all kinds of horrible things, it can get in your head. HOWEVER...I finally decided that I needed to be an adult and do this thing, because I'm way too old to have people telling me what I should and shouldn't do, don't you think?  (Yeah, 39 IS a little old to come to this conclusion. I know this. Bite me.)

At first the drive was fine. I had my audio novel going and my GPS directing me through some twisty little north/east Alabama roads.  I was so chill and wondering why I had waited so long to do this.  Then I hit I-75 and was transported into straight up flaming hell, and hell is full of semi-trucks.  I've driven on interstates before, and I've driven next to 18 wheelers, but I swear to you, almost the moment I merged onto I-75 I was surrounded by these things, and I was not prepared. It doesn't help that this particular road is very wide and full of traffic, all going much faster than I had anticipated, but Brunhilde is a small car, and being surrounded by giant trucks unnerved me.  I know it wasn't anything horrible, really, but since it was the first time driving I-75 myself around all the traffic, I was very nervous.  Actually, I did pretty well, all things considered.  I managed to make it to Atlanta and take the proper exit to the perimeter roads so that I didn't have to drive straight through the city (another level of hell altogether) and had just made it to the other side of Atlanta when I almost died.  It was my fault, because I didn't realize the lane beside me was a merging lane, and I was trying to speed up to get ahead of this big semi.  He sped up too, and I had to slam on my brakes to keep from getting destroyed.  It rattled me so badly that I had to take the next exit and sit in a parking lot until I could stop shaking.  Once I got back on the road, and further away from Atlanta, things got a little better.  It was still unnerving to get surrounded by semi-trucks, but at least the traffic thinned out a little.  After that, my main issue was that the last leg of my journey was 127 miles of straight road, and I'd catch myself sort of zoning out while watching the lines go by.  I know road hypnosis, but I'd never experienced it like that before.  Bleh.

Anyway, as you can see, I finally made it to Sara's house in one piece!  Thank goodness!  She and her family had just moved into this house last summer, and so it was all brand new and gorgeous.  Her three dogs tried to eat me the minute I stepped into the house, but they are all small, so I wasn't too worried.  We sat and talked until Ron, her husband, came home and then we all set out to Parent Teacher night at Sara's stepson's high school.  Yep, I went to parent teacher night.  I told them I'd just pretend I was Sara's sister wife if anyone asked.  Ron liked that idea, haha! When we got back, we all sat around and talked until bed time.  Sara and I needed sleep because we were heading out to Florida the next day!  Woo-Hoo!

Monday, July 31, 2017


(You know, you don't have to agree so readily..geez.)

July is car tag month for our family. Unfortunately, when we got the new car registered and had the tag transferred, we did it at an awkward time that didn't allow the DMV records to have time to be updated to show we no longer owned the convertible before the bill was sent out.  When we got our tag payment paperwork in the mail, it still showed that we were responsible for the Seabring, and not the Jetta.  Lovely.  Because of this problem, we couldn't just pay online like we always did.  Steve informed me that I'd need to go to the DMV satellite office (which is luckily at the mall near our house) and try and fix the issue. 

I didn't wanna go!!  It was going to be the last day of the month, which meant that everyone who'd been slacking off would be there!  I'd be there foreverrrrrrrrrr!  But, as I am an adult and have responsibilities, I (begrudgingly) hauled my cookies down to the office and stood in the very long line of people this morning. 

Actually, it wasn't that bad.  I was only in line for about 10 minutes, and even with the mistake on the payment form, the lady who helped me had me in and out in no time!  Go me!  As I was leaving, I decided that I was going to put the sticker on my car right away and not risk losing it before I could get home and put it on the tag.  So I knelt down and very firmly applied the sticker to the license plate, quite pleased with how well I'd covered the old one.  As I was just about to stand up, my eye fell on the back of the car.  I noticed that it didn't say "Jetta" like I expected it would.  It said "Focus."  Well, that was weird.  My car isn't a Focus!  So, yeah, I'd just applied my tag sticker to the wrong car.

To be fair, it was the same color and general shape of my car AND it was parked in the spot I'd originally pulled into (I pulled forward into the empty space in front of that one at the last minute) so it was directly behind my car.  It was a mistake anyone could have made....right?  Heh.

So I had to pull the sticker off of that car, tearing a chunk off of the other car's sticker in the process, and run to my car and slap it on and then jump in and drive away.  That parking lot has CC cameras all over the place, so I know that there is video of me doing something that looks shady.  I was so embarrassed.

So to the person who owns the dark red Ford Focus, I'm sorry I ripped your tag sticker, and I'm sorry I look like I was trying to break into your trunk. I was just trying to hastily cover up the fact that I still don't know what my car looks like out in the wild. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017


For those of you who have been checking in on updates about my brother, I have another and unless something changes, this will be the last one for a while.

He finally got to come home on the 3rd of July and everyone was very glad.  He's been resting much better and I know he's much more comfortable at home without people coming in at all hours and poking him with needles.

Last weekend, he had to be taken back to the ER because of a fever, and they found he had an infection and several blood clots in his lung.  He was given medication for both and sent back home.  It was decided that it wouldn't be useful, or kind, for him to be sent back to the hospital.  He is now under the care of Hospice, and will be for the foreseeable future.

My mom now has help with a lot of the "heavy lifting" and hopefully that will take some of the stress off of her, and also we hope that being at home will make him happy.  There's really no way to know how long this will last, could be months or even years I guess, but we're just glad he won't be put through any more useless, frightening, and painful, medical procedures.

Thanks again to everyone who has checked in on him and that want to know how he's doing. It's not necessarily an easy thing to talk about, but it does help to put it out in the universe.  I'll let you all know what is going on as things progress. 

Monday, July 03, 2017


I've got another update about my brother and unfortunately it isn't as great as we had hoped last week.

Without going into a lot of detail, I just wanted to let you know that his surgery was unsuccessful.  We had hoped that the surgeon would be able to repair the damage from the last surgery, as well as fix whatever needed to be fixed, but it wasn't possible.  Tommy's problems are just too varied and complicated to repair.  They did implant a feeding tube and plan to send him home as soon as they are able.  We were all hoping for a different outcome.

The news isn't all bad, obviously, because the feeding tube will help feed him at least, and my mom will be getting help from home health, as well as from my sister and me. 

I'm very worried about my mother and the stress this will put on her.  She's the kind of lady who will try and do it all by herself and not ask for help until she just has to.  So, keep her in your thoughts and cheer her on from the sidelines, if you please.

As of now they are still in the hospital and they are very ready to come home.  We don't really know how things are going to go from here, but let's just hope that they can come home soon and get started on whatever new kind of normal they'll have from here on out.

Thanks for thinking of them.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017


1) So, I have a new update on my brother! 

He was moved to a bigger, more well equipped hospital in Huntsville to get treatment, and so far he's doing better than he was. That's good news and we'll take that!  When I wrote before, he was very sick and weak from not being able to eat, but in the new hospital they have given him a feeding tube (?) which has helped him a lot.  He's still not doing great, but he's much more stable and a little bit stronger, or at least he seems to be.  I have gone to see him a couple of times and he seems to be in a better mood, but of course, if you know my brother, he's usually in a good mood. 

He will have to have another, fairly complex, surgery this Friday morning, and as long as he pulls through that with few complications, the doctor seems convinced that he will get back to the way he was before he got so sick, which would be a huge improvement.  Once again, keep some good vibes out there for him and my mom, who has been by his side this whole time.  She is a superwoman for sure!  I'm sure everyone would just like to go home and be able to get some normalcy back in their lives.

Thanks to everyone who's checked up on them and sent hugs!

2) Last Friday I had a bit of minor surgery, myself. I hate to even call it surgery, because it took all of two hours from start to me being back home, but it did involve actually going to the hospital and being sedated and all of that.  It was nothing serious, just one of those things that I knew I needed to do, and then kept putting it off until I just bit the bullet to get it over with. It's been a looong while since I've had anything more serious than a root canal, so a lot has changed since I was in the hospital last. 

First thing they did was tell me to take off all of my clothes and put on thigh high stockings.  Heh...yeah, I've head that before! It was like college all over again! :)  Actually, along with my blood-clot-fighting stockings, they also gave me some sexy, barf-colored non-skid socks, and a hospital gown that afforded me zero dignity.  Being a hospital patient is decidedly non-glamorous, no matter what ER and Grey's Anatomy might say to the contrary!  Everything seemed to go really quickly once my IV was in place, and then some very lovely gentleman gave me a shot that made me not care about anyone or anything, and they took me into the OR.  I remember saying "WOW, there's a lot of stuff in here!  I didn't think you needed all this kind of stuff!"  Stuff being lights and medical equipment, which in retrospect, makes a lot of sense.

I woke up in recovery, not really sure of what was going on.  I had been fitted with an oxygen mask and remember saying "Oh, good, I like oxygen." after asking why I had it on. They scratched my vocal cord with a breathing tube, and my voice is still a little scratchy from that, but not terribly. I also remember singing a little and then bursting out crying for no good reason, but I think it was just a reaction to everything.  The very sweet nurse talked me through it, so there's no telling what I said to her.  I probably confessed many private sins to that nurse, who now has to live with the terrible knowledge. I have no idea how long that went on, but it seems like in a flash I was back in one of the recovery rooms with Steve getting redressed and wheeled out to the car.  I wasn't completely lucid, though, because there are big chunks of the next couple of days I don't remember, but apparently I survived.  By Sunday night I was almost back to normal and trusted myself enough to send an email.  I still tend to burst out crying from time to time (stuff like, oh, God, I've been abandoned by everyone and every little thing sets me off so don't hurt my feelings, yo) but it is getting much better.  You'll also be happy to know I only had to take 3 of the heavy pain pills, and I behaved myself each time. Mostly. I wanted badly to get out of the house at one point, and so I hobbled into Publix to get some juice.  I had taken one of the pills before we left, and about halfway through our trip I kind of fazed out and found myself giggling and petting a carton of drinks.  I also got into a weird smiling fit, because the more Steve told me not to make "that face," the less control I had over making "that face."  He managed to pay for the juice and get me back home before I did anything embarrassing.  He was a good nurse, all told.  Anyway, I'm healing and hopefully very soon will be back to fighting shape!

3) I'm sure you've been waiting with baited breath about what I ended up naming my car.  I took a poll on Facebook and it was close.  I had an equal number of votes for "Joan Jetta" and "Other" and I had a couple of great suggestions from the "Other" camp.  My cousin Amy's suggestion was perfect.  Now my car has been christened "Brunhilde Farfegnugen" but I'll just call her Brunhilde for short.  I also liked the suggestion "Dave" but the car is clearly female, so what can I do?

So far I like the Volkswagen, with one exception.  When you connect the sound system to Bluetooth and listen to music from the phone, the sound will get louder and softer depending on your speed.  That doesn't happen with the radio, but I've almost deafened myself  when listening to my playlist because when you slow down, the music gets quieter, and not realizing it was a feature, I turned it up to hear what was playing, but then when I started driving again, the sound blasts out at you without any warning.  I hate that and haven't figured out how to disable it.  Don't tell me how loud I can listen to my crappy playlist, Brunhilde!  All in all, though, it's a nice car and I'm glad to finally have something reliable.

Now I get to take all of those road trips I've been talking about!  Imma visit everyone! 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017


So, guess what?

I finally got a new (well, new to me) car!  Aren't you excited? 

Can you at least pretend?  Thanks. :)

I've been saving up for a new car for a couple of years because my poor car was hanging on by a thread.  I was hoping to eventually save up enough money to buy whichever car I chose straight out, because I'd gotten very used to not having a car payment!  Unfortunately, my convertible was beginning to do some things that made me wonder if it was going to last long enough for me to save up the whole thing, which would have taken me a couple more years. Shakes, creaks, and bits falling off I can handle, but once the air conditioner starting skipping out on me, all that went out of the window.  Maybe it makes me a huge weenie, maybe it doesn't, but air conditioning is essential when you live in Devil's Buttcrack, Alabama, where it's 6 inches closer to hell than anyplace else on earth.  No, seriously, that's the town slogan. ; )

Monday night, Steve and I began looking online for some of the new cars I was interested in, but I got discouraged with how much the cars cost. I mean, I know cars cost a lot of money, and I was prepared for that, but it seemed like anytime we found a car I liked and maybe changed a paint color, or wanted an automatic transmission, it was adding on thousands of dollars over what I could afford.  Sigh. 

We stopped looking at the new cars and began looking at the "certified pre-owned" cars at the different dealers around town.  Most of them were either way older than I wanted, or way more expensive than I wanted to pay for a used car, but one caught my eye.  I'd never considered a Volkswagen (unless I could get one of those Mystery Machine type vans, and I'd still totally get one of those if I could) but out of curiosity I checked out their website and they had a 2016 Jetta that had several nice add ons for a very, very reasonable price.  It had 41,445 miles on it, but it had gone through the official check and had a great warranty, so we decided to check it out in person.

My boss was so excited.  He loooooooooves wheeling and dealing with sales people, and so he spent the first half of the day giving me pointers on how to pay lots less than they were asking on the car if I decided to get it.  He even called me on his way home to make sure that I "had my game face on."  Heh.  I assured him I did, but I'm not like him.  The man can walk into Wal-Mart and get a discount on something because he doesn't want to pay retail price, but I'm not that aggressive.  However, I figured I could do a bit of haggling. 

We got to the place and test drove the car, and is there anything more nerve wracking than test driving a car in after work traffic?  Add to that, that the windshield was covered in stickers and papers, and I'm just lucky that I made it to where we went and back!  It drove well, had some nice get up and go, and after I figured out how to adjust the seat and steering wheel, I decided that I liked it fine.  Maybe it wasn't exactly what I set out to get, but it was nice, and I couldn't find anything wrong with it.

We got back to the dealership and sat down, and I was all prepared to start to haggle over the price, but Steve...bless him, he wanted me to have a more reliable car so badly...tried to do it for me. When they wouldn't give him the price he asked for, he caved and agreed to everything.  I did interject and manage to get a little bit of money off.  Not a lot, but still a little is better than nothing!  (My boss was disgusted and wished he could have gone with me. I probably would have walked out of there with them paying me to take it, that's just how good he is.)  I also had to trade in Lois, my convertible.  Bless her heart, she was a good car that held on for a long time, but she was in bad shape.  They were only able to give me $750.00 trade in value on her, and that was being generous.  I checked Kelly Blue Book to make sure, and what they gave me was more than it was worth on there.

At any rate, now I'm the proud owner of a car that was made in this decade!  It doesn't seem to leak, I'm certain that the door doesn't hold water when it rains, air doesn't hiss through various cracks and crevices so loud that you have to shout when you talk, and so far it doesn't sound like it's cracking apart when I drive over bumps! Also, I can play music from my phone on the radio!  That probably doesn't sound like much to you, but for someone who had to make mixed CDs up until early last year (when the CD player quit working in the Seabring and trapped a CD of "Let It Go" in it's guts) it's fun to listen to music I choose!  The only downside of it is if I want to sneakily play a little Marvin Gaye, the name of the song pops up on the LCD screen before the first guitar licks of "Let's Get It On" even come on.  Tsk, tsk, tsk...

I'm also trying to name the car. It's just a thing I do, so don't judge me. I put a poll on Facebook for help choosing, but we've narrowed it down to these:  Joan Jetta, Jetta James, Jetta Li, Kenny "The Jetta" Smith (which is not named after my own personal Kenny Smith, but after the basketball player turned commentator on TNT) or The Cranberry.  So far Joan Jetta is winning, but as of now the car has no name. If any of you fine folks have a recommendation, I'd be glad to hear it. 

Anyway, here is a picture!
I hope we have many adventures together!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017


Well, this is not the update I was hoping to give, but it's the one I have.

My brother is not doing well.  He has been in the hospital since Friday night, and his body just doesn't seem to want to work the way it's supposed to.  So far, nothing the doctors have tried is working to make him any better.  He's being fed through an IV, and that's about all they can do right now.

I'm worried about him. I don't want him to be scared or in pain.  I'm worried about my mother, because she is doing everything she can to get him well again, and she won't leave his side longer than an hour at a time and she is stressed beyond reason.

There's nothing I can do, and it feels so helpless.  I don't even know how to pray about it.  It's too much.

He doesn't deserve this. My mom doesn't deserve this.

Every time the phone rings I'm expecting awful news.  I feel guilty every time I eat because I know he can't.  I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do.

I hate this.

If anyone ever tries to me that all this is happening for a reason, I'll gouge out their damn eyes.

Friday, June 02, 2017


I haven't been talking much about my brother because up until a few days ago, everything was fine.  He wasn't eating much, but the doctor said that was to be expected.  We assumed that after a few months, he would get back to whatever new normal that his surgery would allow.

For the past few days he's been sick.  Not terrible, but not great.  I saw him yesterday when I was out that way, and he seemed OK, even though he hadn't been eating much.  My mom told me about him feeling sick, and she was worried, but he'd just been to the doctor a week before, so again, we assumed it was normal.

Today they had to take him back to the hospital because he wasn't getting any better and he couldn't eat at all.  Some tests they did show that his surgery came undone, and now he's back in the same shape he was before.  According to my mother, there isn't anything they can do for him now.  To try and redo the surgery is too risky, so they are going to send him home and hope for the best.  If he can't eat, then the best isn't so great, is it?

I don't really know what to say about any of this except that it sucks.  Again, please send prayers and good vibes towards my mom and brother.  I'm not sure what will happened from here on, but I know this is going to be very stressful and difficult.

Thanks in advance.

Thursday, June 01, 2017


I took the day off today.

I lay in bed a bit longer than I should have, procrastinating the moment when I'd have to get out of bed and begin getting ready for what the day was bringing, but I finally got up and did what I had to do.

I dressed carefully.  I slid on the new, navy blue dress that I'd bought for a special occasion, but today it would be serving as a mourning dress.  I suppose a funeral is still a special occasion, but not the one I had intended the dress for.  I had to be careful about the jewelry I chose, because so much of what I have is big and flashy and inappropriate.  Luckily I found something subdued, my earrings and bracelet both reflected the occasion, having tear shaped pendants attached.  I only realized the significance later on.

I drove back to my home town, if you can call where I'm from a town.  I've been gone from there 17 years, but driving the old roads that I traveled so much when I was a teenager is still second nature.  I know where I'm going without even thinking about it. Things have changed, of course, but not a lot.  In places like that, change isn't much of a priority.

I arrived at the church, which I'd been to before.  Half the people I grew up with had attended it at one time or another so I was familiar with where I was.  I walked through a smattering of people, somber men and women and teenaged boys wearing football jerseys, and was ushered inside by the same smiling man that had presided over my own father's funeral almost 10 years ago.  He hadn't aged very much.

I thought I was running late, but the crowd inside was sparse.  Not knowing the man who sat by the coffin, I found a seat in the back of the church where I would be out of the way, not wanting to intrude on the people who had known the deceased better than I had.  I hadn't been sitting long before I felt someone walk up behind me and put their hand on the pew.  When I looked up, I saw my friend.  

His eyes were red and his face was swollen, but that was to be expected.  His mother had passed away after a long battle with cancer.  However, it's clear that even when you know death is inevitable, the knowledge doesn't dull the pain.  I stood and wrapped my arms around him tightly, hoping, in my way, that I could squeeze away some of the hurt.  My immediate question was "How are you doing?" which we both had a quick laugh about.  He wasn't doing great, obviously, but it seems like that is the question you ask first, no matter what the situation, doesn't it?

We stood in the back of the church and talked for quite a while.  How long had it been since we'd done that?  I'd met him in the band room one random day a hundred years ago.  He was a tall, skinny kid who played the bass drum and suffered from Pectus Excavatum.  Me, in my unfailing tactlessness, made a silly joke about his sunken chest and despite my bad taste, from that minute on we were fast friends.  That's how it was with him.  He was easy to know and easy to love, and I did love him fiercely in the way one does when a friend becomes more like family than anything else.  Of course, knowing how way leads on to way, we lost touch after I graduated high school.  I've seen him twice, maybe three times since, but I've always attacked him with a hug because to me, at least, nothing ever changed.  We talked of other things than his mother, catching up, and I hoped that taking his mind off of the elephant in the room for just a few minutes might help.  I never really know if that's the case, but we joked and chuckled for a bit as more people came in.

He introduced me to his best friend from college, and a steady stream of people from our days in marching band also went in and out of the church. There was a lot of hugging and chatting, as if this had become a combination funeral and class reunion.

The service was lovely and full of music.  His mother was a wonderful lady.  I remember her as a top notch "band mom" who was at every band camp, football game and competition.  She gave of her self tirelessly, taking us all in as her kids at one point or another.  She worked hard to make sure we had what we needed and helped where she could.  She loved our school, and had more school spirit than most of the students.  Her grandsons played football and she was very involved in the booster club. In fact, her pall bearers were all football players and the two coaches.  She was loved at the school.  Her fight with cancer was long and hard, and after a year of remission, it came back with a vengeance.  I sent her hats that I'd made so that she could keep warm during her treatments.  Her final days were painful and her family rallied around her, but ultimately she passed away in her sleep, surrounded by the people she loved and cared about.  You can't really ask for more than that, can you?

When the service was over, we watched as her casket was wheeled out of the church and the procession headed towards her burial plot.  I didn't accompany them, feeling that I didn't really belong at the more intimate service.  I feel bad that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my friend, but I was glad that I'd been able to see him and offer what tiny but of comfort I could.

Funerals are hard.  They are like parties you desperately don't want to attend, but can't get out of.  I used to never go to them, but in recent years I've come to understand that the support you give those left behind can be a lifeline to someone who is hurting.  Chances are, they will never remember who didn't come, but they'll remember the person to hugged them, who encouraged them, who made them smile, and the person who breaks through the shell of sadness and makes them laugh a little, even when their heart is hurting.  I hope I managed to do some good today, even if it was just a little bit.  As I drove back towards home, I thought about my friend and his family, and how they are going to have to heal from their loss, and I thought about all the people who'd been there to show their love and support. I know that ultimately, with all of those that gathered around them in their time of need, they'll eventually find peace.

Rest easy, Ms. Charlotte.