Monday, October 15, 2018


Ha!  I remembered the last thing I was going to write about earlier, and while it's not a big deal, the fact that I remembered without, like, a week going by makes me happy and I'm going to write about it anyway!  YAY!

Ok, so I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. Most of them are what I think of as "Stress Dreams" which I would categorize as the kind of dreams that are fairly common where people dream they show up to class and realize they have a test and they haven't studied for it, or they have a presentation at work and realize they are unprepared.  I don't remember all of them, but the one that sticks out is that I was taken on one of those TV reality baking shows and was told I had to decorate a cake, and I'd be judged on it, but I had no idea how to decorate a cake.  Looking back, it's actually kind of funny, because I was standing behind a big white cake and completely panicking because I had no idea what to do.  I remember my last thought before waking up was

"Sprinkles! I'll put some f*cking sprinkles on it and nobody will know the difference!"

I'm such a problem solver.

Last night, though, was something else.  In my "second sleep" or the time I went back to sleep after being awake for a few hours, I dreamed I was in my bedroom, still in bed (and it was so realistic, which is what made the dream so upsetting) and my sister ran into the room and pointed at the covers and said "OH MY GOD, IT'S GOT A TAIL!" and a lump in the covers started moving towards me and I jumped on it, thinking there was a mouse under it and I didn't want it to bite me.  So I'm holding this big, wiggling lump of sheets, pinning it underneath me and trying not to let whatever is under there get away, and then she starts yelling at me because of something to do with mom. I don't remember what it was, but I know I had forgotten to do something for her, or I had failed to realize something that had to do with her, and the whole time I'm holding down this...thing...under the covers and so I couldn't move or get away.  I felt so bad for whatever it was I'd done (or not done) and I was panicking because the wiggling vermin under the covers was thrashing around, and it has somehow gotten inside my shirt, but I knew that if I took my hand off of it, it would start running around and I'd lose my mind.  I finally got the thing to stop wiggling and I took my hand off of it, and a cockroack the size of an athletic shoe started climbing out of my pajama top, and that's when I woke up in a blind panic, slapping at the front of my shirt and spitting because the dream roach's antenna had gotten into my mouth. 

It was awful and took almost a minute before my awake brain took over and I realized I wasn't being infested.  I honestly can't understand why I didn't remember this dream earlier to write about it, but in a way I'm glad I didn't because now I've got the heebies pretty badly.

Now, would anyone like to analyze these dreams for me?  I'm not sure why I'm having stress dreams, as I don't think I'm particularly stressed, or why I'm dreaming of roaches bigger than my foot!  Send help!


1) I should probably rename this blog "Random Acts of Blogging" shouldn't I?  Heehee.  I can't help it! This is what being in my head is like.  It's all random acts of something!

2) I feel kind of blah.  Do you ever have blah days?  You don't feel necessarily bad or good, you're just...existing? That's me today. I don't think I've been sleeping well, to be honest.  I have a hard time going to sleep, but when I finally do I wake up every morning around 3:00 AM and just stay awake until I fall asleep again a couple of hours later.  Then I sleep so hard that I have a difficult time getting out of bed to get to work!  It's an odd feeling, this blahness.  Eh, well, I'd rather be blah than depressed or sad!  Look! There is a silver lining!

3) We went to a "haunted cave" event at Cathedral Caverns on Saturday night and it was fun!  I don't know if this is the first time that they held this particular event, but it was really crowded and I was glad to see we weren't the only adults there without kids.  We went for Anthony's birthday, which I didn't realize was on Saturday (I am a bad friend.)  The haunt itself wasn't really scary.  I'd say it was probably on par with your local Jaycee's haunted house staffed with high school kids and what not. Well, except for one tunnel that had been built along the trail that was creepy. I wasn't sure if someone was going to jump out at me and it was very dark, so I closed my eyes and ran face first into a wall, and there was a big, plastic spider, which Steve didn't appreciate, but other than that it was kind of tame. Actually, walking through the cavern was the eeriest part, because it's already so big and quiet. They had a fog machine and red lights going, and I imagine that there must be parts of hell that look a lot like that, but otherwise it was just silly fun! I started to feel bad for the actors along the trail, because they were trying their level best to scare us, so I started to pretend I was scared towards the end so that they didn't feel like they were wasting their time.

There was one guy in our group that kind of killed the mood for all of us from the beginning. I mean, obviously it wasn't going to be terrifying, but he spent the whole walk through the thing being kind of an asshole to the actors. Someone would jump out at him and he was say (loudly) "oh, awesome." and things like that. He was very obviously trying to be the coolest guy in the cave, I guess. At the end we overheard him say "Well, it wasn't scary at all. They'd jump out at me and I'd just laugh or say -insert whatever it was he'd said- and basically I MADE the tour more than any of the actors." Yeah, friend, you made the tour. I'm sure your friends were thrilled being there with you. 

4) On Friday night, Steve and I went on an impromptu adventure and drove out to Guntersville to eat at a place called "Crawmama's" which is a kind of just-off-the-lake family seafood place that is only open about three nights a week.  Steve had been wanting to try it for a while, but we never could catch it while it was open.  I liked it fine, although I'm not crazy about seafood, but it felt like we were eating in someone's garage.  A garage filled with wild, non-supervised children.  No kidding, there were a plethora (... I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.) of very small, very loud, very unsupervised kids in a sand pit just behind where we were sitting.  It added to the ambiance of the place, I guess.  The food was good, though, and that is what really matters. I enjoy finding new, local places to eat, so that was fun. We've been trying to go out and find places we've never been before more often. So far, we've found a couple we like! Huntsville is full of places like that, and I never had any idea.  Weird.

5) Sunday, after I got back from church, I took off my church shoes and put on a pair of ratty, rubber flip-flops that I've had forever. I tend to wear them around the house to be comfortable, and apparently I was too comfortable because I forgot to take them off and only realized I was still wearing them when I got back for church in the evening.  I actually posted a picture of my feet on Instagram, which not unusual, because I thought it was funny.  This morning, my coworker came in ans said that he thought someone had posted pornography on Instagram because he saw my legs.  Oy.  I mean, I know my dress was above my knees, but the guy isn't Amish!  Haha!  I promise, he doesn't ever have to worry about seeing me naked. I'll do my damndest to make sure that never happens. People pay good money to....I mean, what? Haha. Nooooooooooo thank you please.

6) I feel like there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember what it was right now. Luckily I can come back at a later date and write it if I remember.  If. 

Thursday, October 04, 2018


1) Taking your sweet time to get undressed and leisurely walk down the hallway to the bathroom to shower is all fun and games until you realize your spouse (who has been remodeling) has removed the blinds from the windows that face the big, glass fronted house that our brand new neighbors just moved into.

So, you know, at this point I can't introduce myself to them. I feel like we are way beyond that now. 

Sorry, new neighbors. Usually I wait about a month before I get naked in front of your house. My bad.

2) OK, this is weird.  I'm suddenly gaining weight incredibly fast, even though I'm not doing anything much different from what I was doing before.  I suppose I might be eating more, but I don't think it can be that much more, and I've been working out pretty regularly.  Maybe we've been eating out more often? I dunno, but it seems odd.  Good Lord, will all that work even last for a year? I genuinely don't want to be back in the same situation as I was...ever again.  *sob*

3) I've started Christmas shopping already, and I know it's too early, but I want to get it finished.  Last year we left it til the last minute and it made me hate Christmas. 

Don't get me wrong,  I love giving people gifts, especially if they are gifts that I think they'll enjoy. However, unless I start in like June or so, I always feel like I'm running out of time.  Blerg.

4) Steve and I have signed up to do a race together! Well, we are with a group of people from his work, but I'm excited! I'm not sure why, as it will require me to run, but I am glad to have another chance to do a race and this time I won't be by myself!  It's the Liz Hurley Ribbon Run, which is to benefit breast cancer research.  Boobs are something I hold close to my heart (rimshot) and I'm all about helping to make sure we help keep them healthy!  Specifically, the charity is using the proceeds to purchase 3D tomosynthesis machines to do mammograms. When I had a mammogram earlier this year, I was put in one of those machines and it was weird.  It's like they squash your boob into something off of Star Trek and take images.  It's a great thing, though, because it takes clear and concise images.  Not everyone gets to use them yet because there aren't enough of them, but I got lucky. 

Our team is called (Oy, y'all) Wall of Breast Friends - because the woman we are running in honor of has the last name of Wall - if you feel like donating. I'm not asking you to do that, though, but just FYI.

I hope no one makes we wear a tutu.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018


Today I went to my first monthly maintenance meeting for the weight loss program we've been doing.

I. Hated. It. Exclamation Point.

I hated it so much that it's hilarious.  I mean that, I was on the verge of cracking up the entire time I was in the room, and the fact that I didn't do so is proof that I have some semblance of self control deep down.  This was how I felt about 15 minutes in:


Don't get me wrong, I know it's important for us to continue going to these meetings. We need to be held accountable, we need encouragement and guidelines and all of that, and we need the resources to continue with the work we started, but geez.  The worst part of trying to lose weight, and I mean this universally and I'm guilty of it as well, is doing nothing but talking about what you're eating and how you're exercising, and how you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing. That kind of thing bores me into an itching fit.

That was literally what we did the whole time.  THE. WHOLE. TIME.

Granted, this was an entirely new class of people and we had to do the "go around the room and tell a little bit about ourselves."


But honestly, I thought we'd been there for an hour and when I looked at the clock, we'd only been there for 20 minutes.  It was brutal.  We had to listen to this man describe every vegetable that he put in a salad.  I'm not exaggerating.  Instead of just saying "I eat salads with no meat" he listed off the entire produce inventory for Whole Foods. He also didn't know how to pronounce "cruciferous." One lady had to explain, in painstaking detail, her day and what she does in it and how she militantly doesn't allow herself to eat except on a schedule and that she asks to take home food from parties just so she can throw it away.  At least two women spent their time berating themselves, like, almost to the point of pulling out a cat-o-nine-tails (not the fun kind) and scourging their own flesh because they'd gained weight.  Steve, one other lady, and I gave a fairly abbreviated description of how we'd been doing since we left the main part of the program and the rest was just some weird self flagellation or grocery list recitation.  It was so uncomfortable that I came very close to getting laugh-in-church syndrome.  I kept trying to catch Steve's eye, but he wouldn't look at me because he was feeling the same way.  Oh, and the topper of the whole thing is that the lady just interrupted me while I was talking and then moved on, which really endeared her to me for life!  Haha.

I know that what we are in is basically a support group, and I know that these people need to talk, and I'm hoping that now that we know one another we don't have to do that part of it again and we can get to talking about nutrition and exercise and more helpful stuff instead of a group misery session.  If we don't, I'm not sure I'll survive . 


By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I like gifs! 

Monday, September 24, 2018


1) I lost a good friend yesterday.

He was a good man.  That doesn't seem like a very fitting eulogy for a person like him, but if you took all of the things he was and added them together, that feels like the perfect word to describe him.  He was GOOD.

He was the former Minister of Music at our church, only retired because he was diagnosed last last year with ALS, an asshole of a disease that progressed so quickly that he literally went from having a slight limp around this time last year, to being bed ridden and unable to talk when I saw him two weeks ago.  He had been an amazing musician (playing piano for many years of his life) a loving father of six (four of which were adopted from terrible homes and addict parents, and who all had varying levels of mental illness,) a grandfather of five girls he loved so much, and he was so funny.  We worked together for five years and made each other laugh constantly, which in my opinion, that is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person.We'd talk and confide in each other. We sang with each other a lot. We got each other in a way our other coworkers couldn't, even though he was old enough to be my father.  We were friends. 

I don't have many friends. That probably sounds kind of pathetic to state it so baldly, but it's the truth.  That is why the friends I do have mean so much to me and losing one hurts.  Part of me feels like I don't have the right to be too sad, because he wasn't my father or my brother, and there are so many others who loved him more than I did that my feelings feel selfish, but he was important to me and knowing he's gone is painful. He's the kind of man the world needs more of. I will miss him. Everyone will.

2) Just for the record, I know that my blog has recently seemed a little bleak and I'd like to apologize for that. I know that you don't come here to read sad things or get bummed out.  In fact, I know that you probably want to avoid getting bummed out at all costs. I mean, why deal with other people's unhappiness if you don't have to, right?  Well, I hope you don't decide to avoid my blog for good.  I don't mean to be bleak.  See, the world is beautiful and it has so many wonderful things in it that when the bad things come, it's like a load lands right on my shoulders and I don't feel like I have a place to put it down, except for here.  So, I'm sorry if I've been harshing your buzz, man. Heh. It just feels like there have been a lot of loads lately and I can only hold so much at a time.  Hopefully there will be less of them soon.

3) Actually a funny thing happened to me this morning.  I had to go to the doctor to finish getting my Hep A&B vaccination (the last shot!) and my flu shot.

Let me just pause here and suggest that you get your flu shot, either at your doctor's office or at a pharmacy. Protect yourself and others! (Shut up! I don't want you to be sick! I like you and don't want you to feel bad, OK?  Sue me.)

Anyway, our particular doctor's office makes you show ID and fill out forms every time you go.  I'm not sure why that is, but it's routine for them to hand you a clipboard after you walk in and tell you to fill out a questionnaire that you hand over to the nurse that takes you back.  Usually it's just one form, but today I got handed a stack of them and was told to fill it out and hand it to the nurse that would be giving me my vaccinations.  Well, ok then! The questions on the papers seemed kind of odd, but I thought that because our current doctor is about to leave the practice (thanks, lady) that perhaps we had to fill these out so that we could be placed with a new doctor that would decide who would be their patents due to the forms.  I literally had no idea, but they gave me forms and told me to fill them out, so I did.  Everything on them was fairly routine until I got to the question "Have you fallen in the past year? What caused your fall?"  I didn't answer that, because I was too embarrassed to tell them I was super clumsy.  Then it asked me if I could call for help if I needed to, and if I had weapons in the home, and if I suffered from dizziness.  There was a long list of questions about depression, and even a section labeled "Geriatric Depression."  I thought, what the hell, man!  I'm only 40!  I reasoned that maybe when you turn 40, you get put into some other kind of category, medically, so I filled out that part too.  The last page was the weirdest, because it had a blank space in the middle and said "Draw a clock face with the numbers in the correct places and the hands pointing towards ten after eleven." WTF?  Ok, I can deal with being asked if I'm depressed, and if I'm clumsy, but this seemed like, borderline condescension on their part. I drew the clock, figuring that maybe it was important for some reason. I even added some little curly-qs around the edges and put the hands in perspective, because why not. It wasn't the best I could do, but darnit, they wanted a clock and I gave them a pretty good clock.

When I was finally called back, I handed the clip board to the nurse and he looked confused and said "Did they give you a Medicare form? What? Why?  Oh, my god, did you draw the clock?"  I told him I did and he started laughing.  Apparently the woman behind the desk was new and had given me the Medicare paperwork that was supposed to go to the older gentleman that had checked in after me. The nurse took my paperwork out and showed the other nurses and the desk people and the doctor. It was, up to that point at least, the best thing that happened to him all morning. He even said that I drew the best clock he'd ever seen!

Then he got to give me a shot in the butt, so I got to make his day twice!  Heehee.

4) I hope you're having a great day, by the way!  (Hug) 

Thursday, September 20, 2018


I am irritated. It's kind of funny, too, but still irritating.

Before I explain why, let me get this out of the way because it's the crux of the matter and it's already well documented how I feel about it.  Ghosting is a dick move.  The idea that it's ok to simply stop responding to someone because you don't want to deal with finishing out a conversation, or answer a question, or even end a situation is cowardly, mean, dishonorable, and shitty.  It just is.  I'm pretty sure we all feel that way, or at least we should, if we are decent people who were raised right.  That is awful way to treat another person, and the ONLY reason it would ever be acceptable is if you are in a situation where you might get hurt or get into a fight and need to walk away before things get out of hand.  It's bad, is what I'm saying, and people who use this tactic with dealing with other people are dickbags.

Doing that to another individual is bad enough, but to do it in a professional setting might even be worse.

OK, here is the situation.  It's silly church drama, so forgive me in advance.

For the past few months, our church has been looking for someone to fill an important position on our staff.  The vacancy came quite suddenly, so we've had to scramble to get all of our ducks in a row. A lot of people have shown interest, most of which were not qualified for one reason or another, but we finally found a person who seemed perfect for the job. He'd done similar work in the past, his references were good, his interview seemed to go perfectly and we were ready to move to the next step in the process when a monkey wrench got thrown into the mix.

Someone else comes along at the last minute who is also uniquely qualified for the job and asks to be considered for the position.  This person (forgive my vagary, but anything more specific and I might make someone mad if they were to stumble upon my blog) would also be good at the job, they are a member of our church, and everyone already knows them. The problem is that this particular person being hired isn't the best case scenario for our church for a few different reasons, but because positions like the one we are talking about are hired by votes from our church members, chances are that our church wouldn't even consider the first person and want to hire this second person simply because they are already familiar with them, no matter how qualified the first person might be.  It has become a thing, is what I'm saying, and it has caused a lot of confusion, people getting into business that they have no business getting into, and opinions are all over the place.  The gist is that having a candidate for the job that is not a church member, and who would do a great job, is important to give the church some perspective. So it has become a thing, although thankfully, not a big thing. Yet.

OK, so with that situation going on we had to go into damage control mode.  We had to call the first person and postpone them coming and doing a trial run for us until the the pastor could interview him a second time.  No biggie, obviously, so the pastor sets out to go and visit with him.  Can't find the guy anywhere.  The business this person is supposed to own is deserted, and the phone number on the resume is wrong.  Ok, fine...  We finally track down the person's phone number, call him, and he agrees to meet with the pastor after he finishes an errand he's running.  The pastor, who has driven across town to meet with him, waits in a restaurant for a couple of hours, only to finally call the guy back and hear "Oh, well, I got caught up in something. Sorry. Can we meet tomorrow?"  Could the guy have called the pastor and told him that he couldn't make it? Yes. Did he? No. So the pastor, understandably irritated, agrees to meet with him the next day and tells the guy pointedly to call him when he has a few minutes to talk.  The guy doesn't call.  At this point, I doubt he'll be considered for the job anymore and the other person will be hired by default. Great. Fine. Mysterious ways or whatever.

But we have a guy, by all accounts a functioning adult man, interested enough to apply for a job, come to church to meet people - twice - and who was more than willing to come and do a dry run of the job to see if he'd be a good fit, simply avoid calling us back for whatever reason. Does he not want the job anymore? Did he change his mind? That would be fine, we'd leave him be if that is what he wants, but he needs to TELL US. Why is it that people feel that they can just stop responding altogether and that be all well and good.  It isn't!!!!!  We have put time and effort into creating the rapport and relationship with this man (again, a grown up, professional man) and he has decided that just noping out without an explanation is ok? That is seriously uncool, especially when he asked to be considered for the job in the first place and we have to go back and unpick all the stitches that we've put into place, and that's a pain in the ass.

I don't understand people.  Have we devolved so much as a society that some people think it's acceptable to blank out, not just in personal situations, but in professional ones too?

I don't understand people at all.  Doing stuff like that makes them look like such an asshole, and chances are, they are creating chaos somewhere. Even if they are a misanthropic person, they should have the decency to end the things they start. If nothing else, it'll guarantee the person/people/business/situation they don't want to be involved in will stop trying to contact them and they won't end up on someone's shit list.  I hope that you, whoever you are reading this, don't do this sort of thing. Be a good person.

And that is my rant for today. Thank you for coming. :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2018


Hey guys, this is an update on my brother's situation!  It's a good one, so don't worry. :)

Yesterday, mom took Tommy to see his doctor, who was concerned and upset that the hospice group they'd been using had dropped him as a client.  It is clear that, in his current condition, he needs to be checked on by a regularly visiting health professional. So the doctor made sure to immediately contact a new service to take on his case. That is a huge relief for all of us.

That in itself is good news, but to make it better, the particular hospice that the doctor chose to call gave my brother's case to the former pastor of the church my parents went to when my father was still alive. I remember the pastor (who I nicknamed Lieutenant Dan) as a very sweet man who cared a lot for my family, so to know he is familiar with my brother and his particular needs is a nice bonus.

So, although things are still not great as a whole, there are a few bright spots for now! Thanks again for your concern and I'll let you know more when there are more things to know.

Monday, September 17, 2018


1) For those of you asking about my brother, he did get to go home last Tuesday!  That is a really good thing, because he doesn't sleep very well when he's away from home and my mom won't let anyone else stay the night with him so that she can rest.  Being home is good for both of them.  Thanks for your prayers and concern, because even if I don't know the correct way to express it sometimes, knowing you care means a great deal.

Weirdly, the hospice group that they had dropped them as clients, because Tommy was taken to the hospital. I don't think that's fair, because he was taken to the doctor by direction of the hospice nurse, but they have strange rules. My mom doesn't seem to care much, but I hope she will reapply if she needs to. She is one of those types of women who will do everything on her own and not ask for help, even if it is too much for her.

So, silver lining is that they are home and can rest and be comfortable.  So please continue your prayers and good vibes, as they are still needed!  Thank you!

2) Steve and I have recently been adopted by a group of people who play trivia on Monday nights and it's been lots of fun.  We don't contribute that much, as the other folks there are very smart and have been doing the trivia thing for a long time now.  I don't know if we'd have a single thing in common with these people outside of the trivia setting, well, except for Anthony (they're all his friends) but they're all very nice people. It's still fun to have a thing to do, though, so I'm glad we have been included.  We've gotten first place all but twice every time we've played!

3) I have officially been moved into the "Maintenance" phase of our weight loss program, which means that I no longer have to go to the weekly meetings, just go once and month to be weighed and go to a new kind of class.  Basically, they don't think I'm going to lose anymore weight and so they put me on the program that is supposed to put me in a holding position so as not to gain weight.

I've been left to my own devices and I'm not sure I'm responsible enough to handle it!  As I was telling a friend, I'm the one who screwed up myself in the first place! I can't be responsible for it again!  Ahhhhhhh!  Haha!

I didn't reach the weight loss goal that was set for me, but I have gotten to a place I don't mind sticking to, if I can't lose any more. It's still a process, because I still make poor eating decisions and my weight fluctuates still, but hopefully I won't go back to the way I was, or even get close. I just want to be as fit and healthy as possible without getting weird about it.

4) I've got a question. Are you more or less likely to do a thing when someone asks you to do it as a "personal favor" even if that favor is slightly uncomfortable?  I'm not talking about anything weird, obviously, but, for example, if someone says "Can you do me a personal favor and tell me if I start being a nag?" would you do it? None of us want to be the person who tells a friend that they are nagging, because that sounds mean, but if that person has specifically asked for help recognizing when they're doing it and asked you specifically to tell them (as a personal favor) then would you?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well when I need something from someone else. As you know, my anxiety levels can be off the charts about certain things, especially personal interactions, and as annoying as it probably is, sometimes I need people to help me understand things outright and not just expect me to know what they mean. Otherwise, the way my brain works, I'm immediately going to assume the worst or most hurtful thing. This is not on purpose, this is literally a weird brain thing I have, so it's not meant to be annoying.

I don't ask for "personal favors" very often, and only from people I know well and interact with a lot, so I was hoping that expressing it that way would be enough for them to know it was something I really needed and not just a throw away comment. Is it not?  If I need someone to let me know something, even if it's not pleasant, how can I ask so that they'll do it?

Oh, and don't worry. I'm not aiming this at anyone specific. Me trying to navigate personal relationships by asking (and sometimes begging) for clarification of things outright, has been going on all of my life. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  Usually it doesn't because people are hesitant to tell me things that might seem harsh or that might be disappointing, even if I've made it clear that I would rather know than not.  My need to know how the land lies is integral for my mental calmness, so I wouldn't ask things if I really didn't want to know, even if the knowledge is hurtful.  Does that make sense?  How can I put it across that I need information so that I'm not sitting up at night wondering if I've made someone mad, or if they aren't telling me because I don't matter, or if I've done something wrong...blah, blah, blah. People just...not...letting me know things has been happening for so many years that I must be doing it wrong. What do I need to do?  Anyone?  Bueller?

5) Anyways, enough about that.  I hope you have a great day!  I HUG YOU! (HUG)