Wednesday, March 07, 2018


1) I have done something that I was JUST making fun a while back.  I signed up for a virtual race.

In case you aren't familiar, a virtual race is where you download an app, pay a fee, and then sign up to participate in one of a dozen or so "races" that are a certain distance long.  Your mobile fitness device will keep tabs on you while you walk, run, or whatever it is you're doing, and add the miles together until you meet or surpass the equivalent of the race distance.  It's pretty straightforward.  The only thing that really bothers me is that it feels like cheating a bit.  In a real race, you've got to haul your cookies for 13 or 26 or however many miles all at once, getting pelted with hail or running when it's hot.  This program really just adds in all of your normal walking, running, or working out and stitches them together, so it's not like you're doing it all together, and you can do this "race" over however long you want to. So it feels like cheating, but I suppose that's ok if it motivates you to keep moving, which is the point. I'm kind of glad we aren't doing this one all at once, because it's some kind of viking challenge and it's 65.3 miles long!  This particular one is the equivalent of starting somewhere in Sweden (there's no name on the map) to just past Hell (in Norway) to reach the fjords.  At least I think so, because the map is confusing.  Oh, and we get a medal at the end, so I guess that's ok too. We paid for it with our entry fee, after all! 

It's actually Steve's fault that I did this.  Well, sort of.  He signed up, and not to be outdone, I signed up as well.  He's really doing great with all of this fitness stuff right now.  He's lost over half of the weight that they told him to (and we aren't even halfway through the program) and he looks great and feels better, and he's basically a poster boy for this whole mess.  He's very gung ho about it all, and I wish to hell I felt the same way.  I basically do this stuff with him because I know the only way I'll do is if I'm not doing it alone. Plus, I'm trying to get motivated in any way I can. So I'm going to eat my words and sign up for these virtual races and get clever medals that I someone will have to get rid of one day after I'm dead!  Maybe we'll get good at it and one day do a real, outside and in person race!  Who knows?  I mean, I'm running a fake race through Norway, so anything is possible at this point!

2) I didn't watch the Oscars last night, but I did see some Red Carpet footage.  Eh, that's the best part anyway, seeing people in fancy clothes.  Anyways, I noticed that Gal Gadot, the woman who is currently playing Wonder Woman (my hero) in the movies these days was wearing a dress very similar to the one I wore to my senior prom!  She was totally copying me, you know.  I mean, I know she's a statuesque, ex-military, former beauty queen bad ass who is playing my favorite comic book hero of all time, but still...I think I wore it better!  ; )

L-R: Brian, Wonder Woman and some actress. 

Ok, well, it's not exactly the same. Shut up! Wonder Woman is totally copying my look.  At least that is what I'm going to tell everyone who'll listen!  Haha! 

3) Last night I had to talk to the behaviorist again. I feel like I have more appointments with him than anyone else, although I might be paranoid! We got done with our session and he said "Next week we'll be talking about raising your self esteem, but I'm not sure if you need any help with that..."  Oh bless.  I'm so good at faking it that I convinced a trained professional.  Well, like they say, fake it till you like yourself! Heehee.

Thursday, March 01, 2018


I am supposed to be sleeping, but I’m not having any luck with that.

Because I can’t sleep, I’ve got thoughts that have been running through my head.  Stupid, night time thoughts, but they won’t go away.

You know, I wonder if anyone really knew me, and I mean REALLY knew me, would they still like me? There are so many different versions of me. I don’t think anyone really knows me that well. Not even Steve.  I’m pretty open with people if I trust them, but not even the two people I trust the most to tell my real secrets to know everything.  Not that I expect them to care about that, haha, but still, it’s strange to know that there is a whole part of me that no one knows about.

Maybe that’s the way we’re supposed to be, though. Maybe that’s how we keep friends.

What a weird thought.

I wish I was sleeping.


1) This past weekend we (Steve, Anthony, and I) went to a sci-fi convention here in town! It was the Huntsville Comic and Pop Culture Expo.  It isn't big or fancy (yet), but we had a great time, I thought.  There were a lot of great costumes, so the people watching was so much fun. I sat on the Iron Throne, I met Jermaine "Funnymaine" Johnson - who is the guy to does the funny Alabama football recaps during the fall, and I met Kevin Sorbo.

If you remember (and I know you probably don't, but I'm going to pretend you do) several years ago, I saw Mr. Sorbo at Dragon*con and he, along with his entourage, almost knocked me down a flight of stairs.  He didn't even look my way as I had to catch myself.  He had been on my list since then, but it turns out the man is actually pretty nice.  Anthony was wearing a Saints shirt, and he stopped and we talked football with him for a minute.  He's a BIG Vikings fan ('cause he's from Minnesota) so we teased him a bit, but he had a good sense of humor about it.  Turns out he's very nice and probably wouldn't almost shove me down a flight of stairs at this point in his life, so he's no longer on my list. Is that really all it takes to get on my good side?  Pretty much.

There were a lot of booths in the vendor area that had cool stuff to buy.  I have to say, the vendor area is probably my favorite place in any Con I've ever been to, but that's because the sheer amount of local artists (and maybe not so local) that have stuff on display.  I don't have a lot of room for stuff like that right now, so I didn't buy anything other than a DIY Funko Pop figurine.  I'm going to make it into a Me figurine, because who wouldn't want their own Funko, amiright?  Haha!

One funny thing that happened was that at one of the vendor booths, I asked one of the guys running the booth if he had a particular figure Anthony was looking for, and after staring at him and wondering why he looked so familiar, I realized we graduated high school together and had gone to church together for a few years.  He hugged me and I asked him a few questions, but I have no idea if he knew who I was until right before I left him.  Heh, that's fine.  We didn't talk much in school, so it wasn't like he was my long lost BFF or anything.  It was good seeing him, though!

We went back that night to see Jermaine Johnson's stand up act, and he was very funny.  Go see him if you get a chance!  He does more than talk about football.

2) OK, so Steve and I have been on this weight loss program for roughly 8 weeks, which is halfway through the worst part of the program, and duuuuuuuude, it sucks.  Well, let me be more clear, it can suck.  It's easier than it was, so I'm grateful for that, but I'm losing weight so slowly and Steve is losing weight so quickly, that it's hard not to wonder what I'm doing wrong. I know that men lose weight faster than women, so that's not s huge surprise, but still, so far...6 weeks of nothing but liquids, 2 weeks of mostly liquids and one meal replacement bar a day, my fitness tracker app thinks I have an eating disorder and the people at the hospital (who are lovely and supportive) have asked if I was still following the program. I am, I promise! I don't think they believe me, because everything is happening so slowly for me. It's insanely frustrating.

I haven't cheated on the program, although I've been tempted, but I don't want to mess up whatever ground I've gained thus far. I'm constantly hungry, which they said I wouldn't be, but maybe it's just me. I already knew I was an emotional eater, but geez, I never knew how much of one.  Before, if I had a bad day or something was bothering me, I'd always eat something that made me feel better, because food is good and comforting, but now I can't do that and sometimes I have no idea how to handle myself when life gets on my nerves!  Hehe, don't worry, I'm not a complete basket case, but it's hard to change a lifelong habit and I'm still trying to find my footing.  I'm getting a bit better at it!

The behaviorist and I talked about how some parts of our lives were controlled by our "Logical Brain" and some our "Primitive Brain."  He told me to imagine having a 6 year old in my head, and that 6 year old controls how I eat.  If you give any normal kid a choice between a hamburger and a salad, most kids will pick the hamburger.  If my logical brain was in charge, I'd go with the salad, but apparently the 6 year old is loud and persistent.  For a couple of weeks, I tried very hard to rule myself in most areas of my life with my logical brain, but you know what?  Screw that. My logical brain is boring! I can't live like that. Plus, I think my primitive brain is more like a 20 year old, so technically I'm not letting a child choose my food for me.  However, I have been eating only what I'm supposed to eat, and my primitive brain has been pouting, but she is just going to have to chill until I see this thing through. I am determined to do that much if I can.  Just between you and me, though, I'm pretty sure my primitive brain is in charge of lots of stuff, because I don't think I'm very logical, and doing the fun, inappropriate stuff is usually my go to.

I'll tell you what, though, it's hard. I was describing this to a friend of mine, and I think the worst part is that I know I could just quit this program and do whatever I want, but I have to constantly stop myself from doing that. Imagine wanting something so badly that it almost hurts, knowing you could go out and grab it, but not letting yourself because you don't want to screw something up?  I'm really not good at telling myself no, I guess.  Ugh...denial is not my strong-suit. 

Anyways, I'm still chugging along.  I don't think I'm going to be anywhere close to the goal weight they set me at this point, but I'm trying very hard!  That's got to count for something, right?

Wednesday, February 21, 2018


I didn't expect to get any answers from my medical tests today, but thankfully they didn't let me leave until they talked to me about what they found. 

Everything is OK.  When they told me that, I almost cried. 

I can't tell you the absolute, pants wetting fear that I've lived through these past weeks. That probably sounds like a bit of an exaggeration, but it is not.  Every moment my brain wasn't fully engaged elsewhere (and sometimes when it was) little thoughts would creep in that would scare me to death.  Not really understanding much about what I might be facing, all I had was worst case scenario ideas to think of.

OK, so what happened is that I found a lump in my breast.  It was sizable and completely new, and I had no idea what kind of thing it could be.  I was going to ignore it and hope it would go away, but that seemed kind of stupid and dangerous of a thing to do. I'd had people in my family with breast cancer and to NOT get checked out felt fairly irresponsible.  So I went to see a guy (I got a boob guy) hoping he could tell me it was nothing to worry about, but he couldn't tell what it was either.  He said he was "pretty sure" it wasn't anything serious, but there were just a few things that kept him from being completely sure, so he sent me to have diagnostic tests done.  Today I was scanned and ultrasounded, prodded and poked, and thankfully what they found couldn't be classified as cancerous. 

I have been so afraid, you guys. Seriously. I'd been practicing how I'd have to tell people I was sick, and wondering how bad it might get if I was. I was considering what kind of plans I'd have to make and Steve and I had many talks about how we'd handle it if it turned out to be cancer. I know that seems extreme, but when you are potentially staring that in the face, it's not easy to be 100% cool about everything. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

So thank you for sending me your good vibes and your prayers, and the positive juju magumbo.

My boobs live to fight another day. :)

Tuesday, February 20, 2018


1) Have you ever just had everything break on you all at once?  That is what seems to be going on with us right now, and it's really frickin frustrating!  I mean, things breaking or whatever isn't necessarily a terrible thing when it happens one at a time, but when a bunch of stuff happens at once, even the little small, first world problems that happen, it's like we're cursed!  Haha!  So to help alleviate some of the frustration, I'm going to find the silver lining for each one if I can.

A) I broke our garage door.  Well, I didn't break it myself, but I didn't realize the cable had slipped off of the pully that raises and lowers it. I tried to close it, and the cable tangled in the wheel, the door got partially ripped off of its track, and the little arm that helps guide the center of the door as it lowers got stuck and cracked the door panel down the center. We had to call Steve's dad, one of his dad's engineer friends, and that guy's grandson to come and help us try and fix it.  We couldn't fix it and in the process the whole door fell off of our house.  We had to zip tie the broken door to the opening to the garage until a repairman could come and get the door rehung on the track. Now we have to get a new door.  Silver Lining: Now we go out of our front door more often and the cat gets a lot more attention! The cat enjoys that.

B) The fridge is slowly dying.  We have no idea what is going on with the refrigerator, because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, so when we think it isn't working, we will go in there and realize everything is cold. Good deal!  Then when we go back, everything is warm.  Bad deal! We're having to toss all of the food from the freezer and fridge, which is quite a loss. So. Much. Cheese. Is. Gone. Silver Lining: Right now we aren't eating normal food, and our "food" such as it is, doesn't need to be refrigerated to stay good.  Losing all of the food is bad, but we can't eat it anyway, so now we get to start with a clean slate when we get to eat again in May!  We also have an old fridge in the garage where we had some of our frozen food, so it isn't a complete loss.

C) There are lots of other, little things. One of our outside doors has a problem with the knob that makes it hard to close, one of our windows needs to be replaced, a piece of our siding got blown off in a storm, and since we have had so much rain, we can't put a ladder in our yard at this point to fix it because the ground is too soft. The hot water line for our washing machine has a leak, the newel post on the steps to the stoop has broken, and the ice we had in January caused a break in our driveway.  Silver Lining: None of that really matters in the long run. I mean, yeah, it's annoying, but it's all fixable!  Do we look like the white trash residence in our neighborhood?  Probably, haha, but we'll get it all fixed at some point!

2) Ok, so I'm going in for my medical tests tomorrow morning and I'd like to ask again for good vibes. It's probably nothing.  I hope so anyway.  I'm a little nervous, but I can handle anything that comes my way if I have to! I mean, I don't want to have to handle this kind of thing, but if I have to, I can.

But I don't want to have to.  That's all I'm saying.  I really don't.

3) Wow, this has been a fairly negative Nellie kind of post!  Sorry about that!  I'm not particularly angry or anything, I guess that stuff has been on my mind recently.  Good stuff has happened, I promise!  The weather is nice today. We saw Black Panther last night, and it was a good movie.  I'm learning to shoot a handgun, so if you need a bodyguard, I'll be available as soon as I know what I'm doing.  I got some new running shoes and I'm going to get the first solid food I've had in over a month tonight! So things are fine. Sorry if I sound unpleasant. I don't mean to, I promise!

Thursday, February 15, 2018


I am officially 40! 

I know, I sound very excited about it, don't I?

I actually had a very nice birthday, I really did!  I got to talk to, or at least I heard from (by FB messages/a fun video/flowers), all of my favorite people in the world, a nice lady at my church brought me tea, and the choir sang Happy Birthday to me after church last night. I didn't know what to do with my face the whole time, but still, it was nice.

The only dark spot on the day was having to sit across the table from my father in law, who was eating a burger and fries, while all I had was decaf coffee, but as that is no one's fault but my own, I can't be too upset about it. :)

Anyway, I hope the rest of my 40s will be as nice as my first day of being in the club.

Thank you so much!

PS: What the hell is the point of decaf coffee?  I mean, I like coffee, but DECAF?  There is no point to it. At all.  Thank you and good day.



Tuesday, February 13, 2018


Ok, so the doctor is sending me for some routine tests next week, so I should know something by that point. Yay? I’m going to spend the next week doing everything I can to not worry about it, because that is not how I want to live my life!  Anyone want to help? Haha

So...there we go. I don’t know any more than I did earlier, but I’m sure everything will be ok.


You know, I wasn't going to write about this.  I told myself that it would be better if I just waited to see how things turned out first, because I might not have to write anything at all, you know?  That talking about something personal, even on my own blog, might make people kind of uncomfortable.  I mean, I know that the majority of the people who read this are my friends, but still, why talk about anything before I know, right?

However, my current anxiety levels are about as maxed out as possible in my current medicated state, so I'm going to throw this out into the universe because I need to.  I'm going to be purposefully vague.  Not because I want people to guess or ask questions, but because I haven't gotten to the point where I can comfortably talk about it straightforwardly, even in theory.

Last week I became aware of a possible heath situation. I say possible, because what I noticed could be nothing.  It could also be a Bad Thing, maybe even a Really Bad Thing, and of course when faced with a potential Really Bad Thing, it's hard not to worry about it.  I was hoping it would go away, but it didn't, so I had to make an appointment with a specialist to see what is up.  They couldn't see me until this afternoon, so I've been a little freaked out for about a week now.  I've tried not to think about it, and to do stuff to take my mind off of it, but it's not an easy thing to do all the time.

See, if the Thing is nothing (and there are many types of nothing it can be) then I'm good.  If it's a Bad Thing, even just a little Bad Thing, then all kinds of things will go to hell. I would be sick. Not just sick, but Sick. I've pretty much gone through the scenario in my head already, and so many things would change and I'm not on board with that. At all. My biggest fear is that people would be uncomfortable and wouldn't know how to talk to me and I'd be avoided right when I needed them the most, or that they'd start seeing me as a "Sick Person" instead of just seeing me as me. I'm aware that real friends don't do those kinds of things, but it is a fear I have, OK?! 

I know that I should be positive and believe that until I know for sure what is going on I shouldn't worry.  I know that.  However, right now it feels too uncertain.  I very much don't want to be sick.  I am scared.

Maybe it really will turn out to be nothing and all of this worrying is supremely silly and all of you can point and laugh and thing "Wow, she sure gets worked up about nothing, doesn't she?." I certainly hope so.  I'll let you know one way or the other.

So, if you have a minute today, could you please put some good vibes out there for me?  I would appreciate it.

Friday, February 02, 2018


I don’t know what it is about being on an elliptical machine, but it makes me think of things, remember things, and figure out answers to problems that I didn’t even know I had.  I guess it’s the repetitive motion and me trying to ignore how bored I’m getting.

Anyways, today I was on the machine, and I started thinking about when I went to Ireland in 2016. The first day we were there, circumstances happened wherein we didn’t get to eat for many, many hours because of our schedule. We also couldn’t get any cash to buy food from the hotel vending machines because the closest ATM was out of order. It sucked and was very frustrating, as you’d imagine.  That first night, we went out to a pub in Dublin with some of the other band members, but after a drink or two, Steve and I decided to go back to our hotel because we were hungry and tired.

On the way out, we saw a grocery store and walked around in it for a few minutes to see what it was like before we headed back to sit in our room, hungry and exhausted.

It didn’t occur to me until today, almost two years later, that we went to a grocery store and for some reason didn’t buy anything. We were in a store that sold food, we were hungry, yet we didn’t buy food! 

I blame being tired, but man, that was stupid.