Monday, April 18, 2016


1) This morning while I was getting ready for work, I reached over and grabbed one of the sample bottles of perfume that I keep on the edge of my vanity.  I have a lot of these tiny bottles as a result of being a member of Birchbox and because I'd sent off for some samples from a new perfume company I found on the web. The vial didn't have a name on it, just a number, and I couldn't smell which one I picked up through the glass.  I was in a hurry, so I didn't think about it before I sprayed it on and immediately realized that I'd put on one of the samples of men's cologne that I'd been sent from that new company.  Since it's one I don't usually wear, I haven't gone nose blind to it and I have been smelling it all morning.

I normally wouldn't have a problem with that, but y'all, this is a sexy smelling men's cologne and it's distracting!  I love it when I come across a good smelling man. I used to make my boyfriends uncomfortable at times because if they just naturally smelled good (maybe it's a pheromone thing?) or wore cologne that I liked, I'd pretty much latch myself to them and just sniff them for a while. That actually sounds pornier than it should, but it's true. 
I think that because I don't see very well, my sense of smell is heightened more than it should be. Because of that, I am affected by scents almost more than any other thing. I can't help it!  It's a very primal thing.  Of course, with great power comes great disappointment. If I don't like the way a person smells, it can ruin the way I feel about them. If I really don't like the way they smell, I can't be around them at all.

Good grief, I just made myself sound like a golden retriever. :) Well, at least I don't bark. OK, well, sometimes I do.

Anyway, so this cologne is awesome and would smell good on a man, and Steve doesn't like wearing cologne, so I need someone who will volunteer to wear this stuff (I don't even know what it's called) so I can just stand by and sniff you.  That's not a weird request, is it?  Anyone?

Eh, I can probably find someone on Craigslist!  ; )

2) I hurt myself this morning when I was getting some Jell-O for my lunch.  I hurt myself on Jell-O.  How is that even a thing that can happen?  That's more embarrassing than the time I hurt myself crocheting.

3) Last Saturday night, Steve, Anthony and I went out together for the evening.  We started out at the food truck rally, which would have been cool if the lines weren't so darn long!  The only things I was interested in trying had ridiculously long lines, and we didn't have a lot of time, so I ended up having a hipster, Margarita popsicle for dinner.  It was very good, hipster or not! I should have fancy popsicles for dinner more often! :)
After that, we went to a play Anthony had heard about.  It was very unusual.  I don't mean it was bad, because it wasn't, it was just very different from what I'm used to.  For starters, it was held in an old, historic house that I didn't even know existed called The Lowry House.  It was a really beautiful house, and I wish I'd had time to tour it, but there were a lot of people wondering around and I didn't want to lose my seat, so we sat and waited for the show to begin. We saw "Bluebeard: the Trial of Gilles de Rais" which was the story about the man who inspired the fairy tale Bluebeard.  Only instead of killing his wives, he seems to have been a child rapist and serial killer.  Maybe.  No one really knows if he actually did those awful things or if he was only accused of them and then admitted to them so that he wouldn't be tortured.  The play was set up like a trial.  It was actually interesting, if not a bit long.   The main guy (Gille de Rais) was a fantastic actor, and as far as I could tell, they were all local folks. so it was both odd and impressive.

Once it was over, all of the actors stood outside in a kind of receiving line so that you could talk to them as you left. I know it was rude and I shouldn't have done it, but I felt too awkward talking to them, so I just ran past them all and hid in the car. I'm an awful person, but I was just too shy.  I might have shouted that they did a good job as I went by, but I can't be sure any of them heard it. :(

4) I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: How did the couple in The Pina Colada song not end up in a screaming fight when they met up with each other?  Basically, we are led to believe that they are perfectly OK with the fact that each of them were caught getting ready to cheat on the other one, but there wasn't a problem because they still ended up together at the end?  I call shenanigans.

I think they needed couples therapy, not rum drinks.

5) I accidentally killed a turtle over the weekend.  I feel really terrible about it.  Its ghost will probably haunt me.  It will haunt me slowly!


Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just grow up.

I'm a ridiculous, silly person and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.

I know so many people who do amazing things, and I'm just here...making dumb jokes, telling weird stories and making videos and pictures for friends.  That's not a very useful thing.

I feel like I should apologize to everyone I know for not having it more together.

Sorry, you guys!

I feel like I'm running out of time.

Maybe one day I'll figure it out.  I hope so.

Monday, April 11, 2016


Last week I finished my physical therapy! 

I can definitely tell a difference in how I feel, so I know it helped.  My arm doesn't go numb nearly as often and I have learned some stretching exercises to help if my neck and shoulders start hurting again.   I still have some pain, but so far, it's not nearly as bad as it was before.  It's more annoying than anything, really.  It's like sitting in a chair that has a big button in the upholstery, right at the top of my back, and no matter where I turn I can't get away from the button.  But hey, it's better than not being able to feel my hands, so I'll take it! :)

The silver lining I spoke of isn't that I was done with therapy, though.  It's better!  As I mentioned, the doctor said I have bone spurs, degenerative disk disease (which sounds worse than I think it really is), and arthritis in my neck. Apparently, the arthritis has made it possible for me to tell when it's going to rain!  My neck knob (or the C7 vertebra prominens if you're nasty) now functions as a weather detecting device!  I never thought that was a real thing.  You always hear of old timers that say they can tell the weather by their knee or elbow or something like that. It's really a thing, though! I can attest!  Every time it gets ready to rain, my neck starts hurting.  How funny is that?

So if you ever see me rubbing my neck, don't plan any picnics!

James Spann wishes he was that accurate.  

(Also, just like Karen, my boobs can tell the weather, but that's a different process.)

Wednesday, April 06, 2016


1) I had a weird and kind of upsetting dream the other night.  I'mma tell you about it.

The other night I dreamed I was dead.  I didn't die in the dream, because when stuff like that happens a person tends to wake up completely.  No, I started off the dream knowing I was dead.  I could see my coffin, I could see my body in the coffin (although even in my dream I wouldn't get close to it or look at it in detail because it was giving me the serious wiggins) but I could still walk around and interact with people.  I guess I was dreaming I was a ghost, which is a new one for me.

I don't remember many details, but I do remember that I understood that I was going to be lying in state three days.  I only had those three days to do whatever it was I had to do as a walking dead person.  On the third day was my funeral and the minute they closed the coffin lid, I'd go on to wherever it was I was going to go.  It was a stressful dream.  As I said, I can't remember what I actually did, but one thing I know I was trying to do was look for people I loved so that I could say goodbye, only I couldn't find them all.  I was rushing around until my funeral (and I didn't recognize ANYONE who was there. Boo, you guys. Seriously.) and when it was over, I knew they were going close the lid, so I ran up and tried to keep that from happening.  I didn't make it.

When the lid closed, I blinked and realized I didn't go to any afterlife that I'd ever heard of. I wasn't in heaven or hell, I was in a library of some sort.  It didn't have books, but it did have computers.  I finally asked someone what was going on, and they told me I was in the year 3017. I'd been sent to the future!  I was horrified, because I knew I was too far gone to ever see anyone I knew again, but I jumped onto a computer and tried looking up information on my friends and family, only I couldn't find it because it was over 1,000 years ago and no one had kept records that long.

It was a sad dream and I didn't like it.  I did get to go to the future, though, so that was kind of interesting.  Silver lining, I guess.

2) Steve and I went to a very sweet wedding on Saturday!  His band director's daughter got married at a place called Hudson Family Barn, which was a lovely, lovely spot.

I wasn't exactly expecting the place to be as nice as it turned out to be.  I had designed their wedding invitations and when she told me where she was getting married, she just told me it was in someone's barn.  Now, I'm not so far out of the loop that I didn't know that barn weddings are a thing.  I have Pinterest, after all!  I was literally expecting a barn that had once held animals and farm equipment, but as it turns out, it was a gorgeous spot that (I think) had actually been created to hold events.  There were three buildings, all designed to look like old farm buildings, but in a good way.  It's kind of hard to explain, so here are a few pictures I took:

 It really was a great spot for a wedding and the day was slap your eyes out gorgeous, so everything turned out beautifully!

There was only really two things that bothered me about the whole thing.   Let me just get this out of the way first: I personally think that it is absolutely tacky to take pictures with your phone during someone's wedding.  I know, I know, that isn't a popular opinion, but people holding out phones ruins a lot of the professional pictures AND since some people haven't figured out how to mute their phones, you hear camera sounds during the ceremony.  I'm a big believer of having fun during your wedding ceremony if that's what you want, but still, it's a sacrament and should be treated with at least a little solemnity.  When the bride walked down the aisle, at least 5 people in front of us (we were on the third pew, so I have no idea how many people behind us were doing it) held out their phones to take pictures. There was a brass ensemble playing and it was interrupted by camera sounds.  Even when the music stopped and the preacher started the ceremony, someone's mawmaw held out her phone and started snapping away, sound on her phone turned all the way up.  It literally sounded like:

"Dearly beloved, we are *CAMERASOUND* in the sight of God and *CAMERASOUND* *CAMERASOUND* *CAMERASOUND* and I believe it was the Apostle John who said *CAMERASOUNDCAMERASOUNDCAMERASOUND* bond between two people who...."

It was so annoying and rude! Maybe the bride and groom didn't care and therefore I shouldn't care, but I don't like it when people have no manners!  Then there were the people sitting in the seat directly in front of us. Oh. My. Word.  These people got on my nerves!  When we arrived and sat down, as I said, we were on the third row.  We were sitting towards the middle, and the man of the couple was sitting ahead of us, but got up and went someplace.  I thought he was one of the photographers, because he had a big DSLR camera around his neck, but he never moved to take any pictures before the wedding started.  He came and sat down right in front of me.  I mean, he blocked everything.  Then his wife (I guess) walked over and he pulled out a big, blue towel and spread it over the pew.  Now, the pews were a little splintery (I lost a new pair of hose that day) but they weren't dirty.  This lady came wearing a white pants suit, and I guess she figured that the outside was just too filthy for it.  Even the mothers of the bride and groom, wearing their fancy dresses, didn't drape a towel over the pew.  It didn't really annoy me, exactly, I just thought it was tactless and made the pews look junky, plus it made me feel as if they were making a big deal about having to be outside or something. How about you don't wear a white suit to an outside wedding? (Or at all, but that's just my humble opinion.)

Immediately after the ceremony began, both of these people pulled out cameras.  He had his big DSLR and she had her phone, and while she took pictures, the guy was filming on his big ass camera and he didn't care how much he was blocking everyone behind him.  I couldn't see the couple get married because his big, damn camera and his big, damn head, kept getting in my way.  I made a dramatic recreation so you can see what it was like for everyone behind him:


Today the rude wedding man will be played by Baby Chewbacca.
Just imagine Chewbacca holding a big, bright camera and waving it around his head and completely blocking what was going on.  I actually did that thing where I sighed really loudly, hoping he'd hear and maybe have a little shame, but he never did.  Steve thought I was disapproving of the ceremony and just being rude, but really, I was just trying not to punch this guy in the back of the head.

I did have one moment of embarrassment right before we left the venue.  The groomsmen were tearing down the wedding decorations and carrying them back to the storage shed, but I wanted to get a picture of the arch before they got to it.  I walked up ahead of them and sort of bent down to get the shot I wanted, when a big gust of wind blew the back of my dress pretty much over my head. I'm just thankful I was wearing a slip and decent underwear!

But everything else was great and I'm glad the wedding went so well.  :)

 3) I woke up at 2:00 AM with a weird desire to learn how to make edible sequins.  I don't know why.  Anyway, I looked it up online and those are actually a thing!  Who knew?

Tuesday, March 29, 2016


3) Because I know a couple of you were concerned, I was going to let you know that my dingy gray funk is now just sort of really pale gray.  It's not so much of a funk anymore as it is a film over everything.  A much thinner film than it was, though, thankfully. 

This has been a tough one, but I'm definitely feeling better than I was.

My inner music is almost back, though, which is good.  I now that sounds weird, so let me explain.  I usually always have music in my head.  It's a good thing, because when it isn't overpowering stuff (like Fat Bottomed Girls was literally stuck in there for days) it's just a good thing to have inside.  It gives me a beat to walk to and something to hum. It's a happy thing. Sometimes, though, when things get funky (in a bad way) the music stops and it gets too quiet in my head and everything feels too heavy.  That isn't a thing that happens a lot, so when it does, it's just a little scary.  It's like being in a house when the power goes off, so instead of that background noise of the little machines doing their thing that we get used to, you hear the weird sounds of your house settling.  I don't like it when my house settles. 

Buuuut, recently it's been like someone inside of me has been rolling a radio dial really fast.  So I can hear it, but I can't really catch it yet. I did have a moment when I was getting ready this morning when "Me and Mrs. Jones" came up on my play list and I almost had it back!  So, I'm getting there.  I'm hoping it sticks.

Thank you for caring, though! I'm glad you do.

Oh, and while I'm here...

4) Do you know why I was late to work today? 

Just as I was getting into the shower, the guy who does our quarterly bug spraying thing showed up.  When I say I was just getting in the shower, I mean I was completely ready to get into the shower, only the water wasn't warm enough.  I had to turn off the lights, stand for a minute or two wrapped in the decorative outer shower curtain in case he passed by the bathroom window until I could actually stand to get under the water, and I just stayed in the shower until Steve told me he was gone.  Steve was kind enough to make himself late for work so that he could let me know when it was safe to come out. I was in there a LONG time.

I'm glad the hot water held out.


1) I went to see Batman vs. Superman on Saturday night and I liked it.  I don't care what anyone else says, it wasn't terrible.  It was dark and kind of humorless, but it wasn't a bad movie.  If you want a funny superhero movie, go see one from Marvel!  I even liked Ben Affleck as Batman!  So there, world!  Someone out there liked it.

I didn't have the best time while I was in the theater, though, because a teenage couple decided that they were going to sit right next to me and carnally explore one another during the movie.  I was so grossed out.  It was a weird situation, because even though there was an almost entirely empty row just ahead of us (we were in the back row of lower seats) and, in fact, many other places they could have sat, these two goobers decided that sitting right next to me was the best course of action.  When they first came in and sat down, I thought they were preteen kids coming in with their parents and they just didn't want to sit right next to them.  The boy sat down next to me and then the girl sat next to him.  I was uncomfortable, because I don't like strangers sitting that close to me when they don't have to, but what could I do?  Then they got up, moved down a seat to leave one in between us, but then got right back up and moved back.  Then the guy raised the armrest in between them and the girl pretty much lay down in his lap with her feet up on the seats ahead of us. I glanced over and saw how old they were, realized they were on a date, and prayed that they'd just watch the movie and leave each other alone. 

That prayer was not answered.

Look, I was a teenager once and did my fair share of movie theater kissing. However, when I knew I wasn't going to be watching the movie, I didn't sit right up in front of the theater, pressed up against a perfect stranger while I was doing it!  They were practically in my lap!  It was like they saw me and thought "Oh, she looks nice and squishy, let's go lie on her while we are publicly inappropriate!" They were literally so close to me that I could smell what she'd washed her hair with, and the grease from whatever restaurant they'd had dinner at. I could feel their body heat, and that is closer than I allow a lot of people I know and like to be to me.  Really, if I want to feel your temperature through your clothes, I'm really going to want to have to be that near to you at my own discretion.  I'm also going to expect you to take me to dinner and I at least know you're first name! Oh, and they were kissing SO DAMN LOUD.  It was gross. So gross.  I was so uncomfortable, but I didn't know what to do!  I wanted so badly to be mean and say something rude to get them away from me, but I couldn't do it! Times like this are when I really wish I hadn't had politeness instilled into my brain. I simply didn't know what to do.  Had I known that there were empty seats on the other side of my friend, I'd have just moved, but I thought the seats were full.  I didn't want to have to drag Steve and Anthony off somewhere else in the middle of the movie. I was stuck.  Y'all, by the time the movie was over (2.5 long ass hours later) I was afraid I was going to need to go to a clinic for an STD panel and pregnancy test.   Oh, and to top it off, when that dumb chick wasn't attached to her boyfriend's face, she was texting, and the light from the screen was in my eyes. So...yeah.  Good times.

But Wonder Woman was in the movie, and she's been my favorite since I was young enough for Underoos, so I was glad for that! 

Bleh.  I still feel unclean.

2) So, I've been going to physical therapy for my back/neck and it is actually noticeably helping!  The woman is from my church, and the pastor's daughter, and she is the DPT at the clinic I'm going to.  I'm glad for that, because I feel more comfortable knowing the person who is helping me.  She was glad that I wanted to come to her clinic, because where she's located is in a pain management center and she told me that a lot of the people who come in to be assessed are people with chronic pain and on really hardcore pain meds, and that there isn't really anything she can do to help them. 

I am someone she can help!  Yay!  What she is helping me with is to stretch the muscles in my neck and upper back, which is helping me regain the natural curve to my spine. I have to do a lot of weird neck stretches and posture exercises. She also applies this heated thingie (that is it's scientific name, I swear) to my neck and back, and she digs around in my muscles with her exceptionally bony fingers to undo knots and realign some kind of thing I have in my neck.  If it wasn't for the more painful things, it would almost be like going to a really unusual spa for an angry massage. My favorite thing, though, is the E-Stim machine!  She applies these big pads to my neck and back and sends electric pulses into my muscles. It was the thing I was worried about before, thinking it would be like electro-shock treatment, but it is very nice and relaxing.

In fact, when I told the pastor that I liked it, he brought his own at-home e-stim machine to let me try out.  His daughters bought him a small one to use after he plays golf.  I was willing to give it a shot, but unfortunately, it wasn't a nice as the big, professional machine and I couldn't quite get the setting right and it was actually kind of painful.  I reached over to turn it off, and I accidentally turned the knob the wrong way! That was incredibly unpleasant!  I did manage to turn it off before I did myself any more damage, but I think I'm going to leave the e-stim treatments to the professionals. :)

3) There was more, but I can't remember what it was!  I'm sure it was entertaining, though. :) I'll probably remember it later.

Monday, March 28, 2016


Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you walk into school, and someone grabs you by the arm and tells you that you're late for your presentation, and you're all "What presentation?" and you get pulled into an auditorium full of very serious people who are interested in your presentation, and you still have no idea what you're supposed to be presenting, and then you look down and you aren't wearing pants, and it's not in any of the good ways that not wearing pants can be, and everyone is looking at you and you still have no idea what you're supposed to be presenting, but it is obviously very important?

(Wow, holy run-on sentence, Batman.)

Well, that happened to me on Sunday.  Ok, not exactly that same thing, but very similar.  I didn't have to make a presentation exactly and I at least had an idea of what I was supposed to be doing, but I was pulled into a situation that I was not altogether prepared for and it wrecked me for a while.

I actually wasn't wearing pants, though,  but since I had on a dress that didn't seem to matter.

When our minister of music picked out the Easter music earlier this year, instead of picking out a proper, ready made Easter cantata, he picked out three songs that were specifically arranged for a choir.  One of those songs was called "This Blood" and it is a beautiful, very powerful, very long and kind of complicated song that was a soloist backed with a choir.  Originally, the music minister wanted me to sing it and I had agreed to do it, but I was very intimidated.  It wasn't exactly in my range, and it had a lot of ad lib sections that I didn't know if I could pull off.  After I thought about it, I asked Jim (the music minister) if he thought me doing it was actually a good idea. Number one, I'm not exactly in the choir.  I am the sound tech and I really enjoy doing that job.  I've sung with the choir as a featured singer, but I never know if people get offended that he'd pull me in to do a solo since there are so many other people already in the choir that are available. Number two, it's such an awesome song, I didn't want to screw it up. I suppose he must've had second thoughts about me doing it as well, because a week later he told me that he'd asked another choir member to sing it instead of me.  To be honest, I was relieved.  I really liked the song, and wanted to sing it at some point, but it was supposed to be the climax of the Easter music service and that is a lot of pressure, even at a relatively small church such as ours.

Jim is such a sweetheart and he was convinced that by asking someone else to sing, that he had hurt my feelings. That wasn't the case, but he was genuinely worried about it. He fretted so much that I finally told him that I'd learn the song on my own as the understudy of the woman he'd asked to do it.  We do not generally have understudies for our choir, so I mainly offered to do it to make him feel better about the whole thing. I didn't really bother to learn the song, because what are the odds that the woman wouldn't be able to sing on Easter Sunday, right?  I mean, I knew the song well enough from sitting in the sound booth and listening to her during practice, but that was pretty much it. I knew enough of it, but not enough to perform the song.

The soloist Jim had picked had been working her ass off for weeks learning this song.  She had the range, but she mainly sings country/gospel songs, and this was not in her comfort zone.  She was very worried that she couldn't do it, but she could do it and she was coming along very well during practices. She practiced during Wednesday choir practice and sometimes on Sundays in between services. She was very dedicated.  She was also terrified of singing this song, but she had a lot of encouragement, and I think she was feeling better about the whole thing.

Saturday afternoon, I got a call at about 2:00 PM from Jim telling me that the soloist was sick and she didn't know if she'd be able to sing, and he wanted me to be ready to sing just in case she wouldn't be there.  I believe my initial reaction was a silent, but very intense "F*ck!!!!!"  I didn't say that to the music minister, of course, but I felt it in every cell of my body.  I'd been telling him this whole time I'd learned the song, but of course, I had not.  As I said, I knew it enough, but not enough to perform it, but I told him I'd be ready, just in case. After we got off of the phone, I went to my computer and played the song on repeat for two hours.  I didn't know all of the words, so I had to pull them up on the iPad to look at while I was making strawberry pretzel salad (the word salad doesn't make sense here, but just go with me. At least it didn't catch on fire.)  to take to my mom's house for Easter lunch.  So in between making a horrendous mess and getting covered in jello and whipped cream (also not in any of the good ways that can usually happen) I learned the words to the song, tried to figure out the ad-lib parts, and tried not to have a complete nervous come-apart.  I also didn't know if I'd actually have to do it at all, because for all we knew, the lady would be much better by the next day, but that didn't help me feel better about it!

I barely slept the night before because all I could think of was how badly I could screw up the song if I had to sing it.  My whole thing was this: church music can be incredibly important in setting the tone for the service, and I know from experience that if you really, really screw up a song, that will be the only thing people will remember when everything is over. I didn't want that to happen since there would be people visiting because of Easter and I didn't want to take away from the service.  I was also supposed to sing "Via Dolorosa" before the choir songs, because that song is kind of a tradition for our church and I know how to pronounce the Spanish parts. Y'all, I was so scared.  I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and it shouldn't have been one, but I'd gotten so psyched out about everything that I was convinced I was going to ruin church forever!

When I got to church the next morning, sure enough, the soloist couldn't come because not only was she sick, but she had completely lost her voice. My nightmare solo was a go.  Oy.  I only got to practice twice before services and then everything happened.  I got through "Via Dolorosa" just fine, and went to stand with the choir after that and pretended (I mean, literally, I mouthed the words to the song like a freaking muppet) to sing the next song with them. By the time it was time for me to do the other song, I'd worried so much that I broke through to the other side and managed to sing the song without any major incidences.  I know that sounds anticlimactic and everything, but I was so relieved that I didn't ruin the song. I'm sure it wasn't as good as it could have been, and that if I'd practiced the way the original soloist had done, it would have been much, much better, but I didn't mess it up at least.  I was so riled up by the whole thing that by the time I got back to the sound booth to finish the services, I had no idea what the pastor talked about. I honestly don't remember big chunks of Easter Sunday services.  That's just how nervous I had gotten.

Anyway, as it turned out, for a last minute, barely practiced solo, it wasn't terrible and I didn't ruin Easter.

And not ruining Easter is a good thing!

BTW, this is the song I sang yesterday, only we used a recording, there wasn't any hand waving that I know of, and our choir is much smaller.


Tuesday, March 15, 2016


1) For those of your wondering, I have another update about my back!  Aren't you excited!

I believe I mentioned that I was going to have to have an MRI done.  I've had numerous scans done because of my lungs, so I wasn't worried about that bit of it at all.  At least I wasn't worried until they called me back and handed me a booklet that just so happened to mention that people who are claustrophobic might have a problem.  Sigh.  Nice.

I had thought it would be an open MRI, but I was mistaken.  However, I put on my brave pants and decided that since it was only my neck that would be scanned, I'd mostly be outside of the machine and would be able to stand it.  The radiologist gave me a set of big, 1970s DJ earphones and said we would listen to the new Loretta Lynn album and everything would be over in 10 minutes. So I lay down on the cot and the lady got me settled, handed me a panic button, and then she inserted me into the depths of Hell's belly button.

Y'all, it is well established that I am violently claustrophobic. I've gotten claustrophobic is small places and I've gotten claustrophobic in huge places that just happened to be full of people.  The only, and I swear the only, way I'm usually able to handle it is if I can convince myself that I can get out if I have to.  Sometimes I have to literally get up and leave, but mostly as long as I know I CAN leave, I can deal.  When she slid that cot into the MRI machine, I was in there up to my knees. I think I was in there for 14 years, and every second of that time I was in a state of high adrenaline fight or flight mode. I immediately started to panic, but I stayed still because I knew if I freaked out and pressed the panic button, they'd just stuff me back into the machine. I clamped my eyes shut and counted forwards and backwards, tried self hypnosis, and did everything I could to stay calm.  At least 10 times I came within an inch of screaming and clawing my way out of the thing, but I barely managed to stay inside. She finally slid the cot out, and it was only when I tried to stand up that I realized those giant earphones were attached to clamps that basically had my head in a vice.  If I had known that, I really don't think I could have stayed in there.  At least before, I thought I could get out, but if I'd known I was clamped in, I would have probably Hulk-smashed my way out of the thing and gone running off into the night.  After it was over, I shook for a solid hour.  It was terrible.

But the scans turned out to be super awesome.  I saw my spinal cord and medula oblongata, and also saw that my disks are slightly bulging into the spinal cord, which is less awesome, but still, the fact that I can see it is pretty neato. I even got to keep the scans, so when we finally get another chair and can have a friend over, I'mma pull those things out and show them off like vacation slides!

2) So, my blue funk has faded a bit and now it's just sort of a dingy gray, but the funk it still around.  At least now I can make complete sentences and just look at otters on my own.  I don't need to post them here.  I hate feeling like this, but I still can't seem to shake it off.  (Cue Taylor Swift.)  I don't know.  I'm ok sometimes, when I'm distracted or talking to someone, and other times I just sit staring at the wall and feeling sad.  Haha, it sounds weird to type it out like that.  Very emo of me, no? The weirdest part of it is that my music is gone. That has happened twice before, and it came back, but it's really quiet in here when it's gone.

I've mentioned that I don't like to feel feelings anymore. One day, when I don't feel so weird and protective about it, I'll explain why so that you folks will get that it isn't just something I say and you will understand me a bit better. All I know is that I usually have my armor on and it protects me and I can just let it all bounce off. I get dented, of course, but not too badly.  Sometimes, though, something just whacks against me hard enough, my armor falls apart and I open up like a busted can of biscuits and feelings go everywhere. With a bit of perseverance (and duct tape) you can eventually get the biscuits back in the can, but it takes a while and stuff gets messy.  I'm in the process.

Thanks to those of you who were concerned, though. I appreciate it. I'll be fine. I always am!

EDIT: Heh...I'm a busted up can of emotional biscuits.  Emotional Biscuits is going to be the name of my new band. 

3) So, yuck, enough of that.  Look! Puppies!

4) I went to see a movie by myself the other day!  I've done that once, years ago, because I got stood up for a date and figured maybe the whole evening shouldn't be a complete loss.  Steve was working last weekend, so I decided I'd go see 10 Cloverfield Lane because I wanted a excuse to get out of the house.  It wasn't bad.  It was more like an episode of the Twilight Zone, or X-Files than a movie, but it was entertaining.  I've realized I don't mind going to movies alone, but it is better when you have someone to talk to afterwards so that you can pull yourself out of it a bit. That is true, especially when the movie is creepy, and this one was.

At any rate, to date, I have finished an entire tube of Chapstick on my own without losing it, and I went to see a movie alone!  At this point, I might as well run for President because I'm on a roll!

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

I've been in sort of in a blue funk and I can't seem to shake it off.  So today we get otters. One cute "hug me" otter and one "grumpy otter." The grumpy one looks like I just told him I failed Algebra even after he spent a lot of evenings tutoring me.

(Steve's grandma used to make the same face that the grumpy otter is making.)