Monday, February 29, 2016


1) I've had time to think about my theory of mental time travel, and I know...I has flaws. All kinds of cause and effect problems come to the forefront, not to mention that if we will have the ability in the future to mentally influence people to do stuff, why hasn't someone made Hitler jump off of a roof?  There are obvious flaws.

I still stand by it.  Otherwise, I can't explain some of my past actions.  Don't judge me.

2) Today is Leap Day and I'd like desperately to do a fun thing that I've never done before.  You know, because Leap Day. I can't explain, it just seems right, so let's go with it.  However, I can never think of anything. I get a mental block. No joke, I can think of a thousand things when I don't have the time or the reason, but I go blank otherwise.  It's frustrating.

At any rate, I'll be taking suggestions. Keep it clean.

3) Do you remember last summer when I talked about having a bad reaction to some medication that I was taking? It was because of a change in manufacturer or because they switched me to a generic brand, but it all boiled down to the fact that the medicine had different ingredients. One of the things that the medicine did to me was make my ears ring, and even though I got switched back to the old medicine, it hasn't stopped. It's like high pitched sleigh bells ringing in my head all of the time. It's become so constant that it's become normal to me. It doesn't keep me from hearing other things, but when I'm in a quiet room, it's all I can hear. Yes, I finally told my doctor about it last week. I didn't say anything before because it's such a normal thing now that I forget about it until it's driving me crazy.

Anyway, this morning when I woke up, the ringing was super loud. I think it was because it was so quiet in the house, but I finally just said aloud "Gah, I wish the ringing in my ears would stop!" Steve rolled over and said "Well, maybe you should answer it."

...maybe I should answer it.

4) Well, that isn't a good thing.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


Bear with me.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I was thinking about the people that I've met during my life so far that I immediately felt a connection with.  You know what I mean, right?  You meet someone, and it doesn't feel like you are strangers getting to know each other, but like you are old friends that are just catching up? You get that feeling of "Oh, there you are! I've been waiting on you!"  That has happened to me a wonderful few times, as well as the opposite where I've met people and immediately disliked them for no discernible reason. 

So I have this theory...

What if, sometime in the future, someone has developed a type of non-corporeal time travel.  You can't physically travel in time, but you can contact yourself mentally (or maybe someone else can connect to you mentally for whatever reason) and although you don't get completely clear messages, you can at least get feelings about stuff if you have the right kind of psyche.  So, let's say, my future self wants to go back to experience being a kid or teenager again and in the inexact science that time travel would be (of course) the day that I land on happens to be the day I meet a certain person.  Obviously, my future self would know this person and have warm (or icky) feelings about them from the experience of knowing them, and since I can't get clear thoughts, I only get that feeling of either happiness or disgust! Maybe some people can "hear" more clearly than others and so that's why you never question certain situations. Why do I like and trust this person immediately? I don't know, it's just the way it is!  Why do you want to punch this person in the neck even though you just met them? Who knows?  Just go with it!

That would also explain why sometimes you might do stuff that makes perfect since at the time, but completely confuses you later on when you think about it! You aren't being controlled by someone, exactly, but something just seems like a good idea at the moment and you make a decision based on that idea. Since the person time traveling in your head can't stay there forever, when they're gone, you don't know why you felt that way to begin with.  It makes sense.

Of course, that opens up the idea that people are mentally time traveling for important reasons, like, certain people have to meet because the butterfly effect of their meeting and being friends causes certain things to happen that are important in the future.  Maybe there are bad guys who mentally time travel, too, and they get people to do bad things, and then good guys have to mentally time travel to get people to do good things so that the future isn't destroyed!

So I tell Steve about this when he comes to bed and he pointed out that the fact that I have come up with this theory out of nowhere, I may be accidentally getting a message too clearly and understanding the whole time travel thing could cause irreparable damage to the future. Or....or..maybe since I'm writing about it here, some random person (hello, future time travel pioneer!) will take this idea and create the technology to actually make it happen!  (Name it after me!)

So, if I have accidentally created a rift in the space time continuum, I apologize.  If I've given someone the idea of non-corporeal, mental time travel, you're welcome. :)

You know...I like my going-to-sleep thoughts much better than my suddenly-waking-up thoughts.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016


1) Boo.  I had gotten a really neat opportunity and had gotten kind of excited about it, but it didn't work out. A man I worked with at the Sprocket (ptooey) had been a long time, local TV news reporter before he worked there, and after he left, he jumped right back into reporting. We'd always gotten along really well when we worked together.  I'm friends with him on Facebook and he often mentions stories that he's working on.  Last week he sent out a casting call, of a sort, asking for volunteers to film a recreation of something that had to do with a story he was working on. It wasn't a big thing, but it sounded interesting. He needed a woman "between 35-40 with average build" who wouldn't mind that their face wouldn't be completely shown on screen.

It was like he was casting for my autobiography! Haha!

I volunteered. Actually, what I told him was that I was the right age, and even though I didn't know how average my build was (rowr) it should be fine, and that my face is at it's best when you can't see it in it's entirety! He said I'd be perfect for it and he explained everything and told me he'd let me know when the filming would be and then I didn't hear anything else. I kind of figured out that he probably didn't need me to do it anymore, but since he'd never said anything, I sent him a message.  He said management took over and they did the filming two days earlier so the story could run the next week.  Huh, well, thanks for letting me know! I wasn't mad or anything. As I said, I'd started to get the idea that they didn't need me when I didn't hear from him, but you'd think he'd have said something before I had to ask.  Eh, oh well.  I was a little disappointed, of course, but really only because it's so rare that I step out of my comfort zone voluntarily that it seemed like kind of a waste that I'd done it for something that didn't pan out.

At any rate the story is very interesting!  You can find out all about it here! 

Just think, that dark silhouette could have been me!  :)

2) I have hurt myself, yet again.  Actually, I think I probably hurt myself sometime last year and have slowly and carefully exacerbated the problem until it has how began causing me problems on a daily basis! Yay, me! For the past few weeks, my shoulders and left arm have been hurting. I thought I was getting the flu for a few days, but then my arm and hand started going numb in stages. I probably would have freaked out over my heart again if my back hadn't started prickling at the same time.  I'm fine unless I have to sit for long periods of time, which, unfortunately, is what I do everyday. The only way I could relieve the pain was lying down on the ground and stretching my arm out as far as it could go.  It felt like I needed to pop my back but I couldn't.  I tried, though!

My boss' daughter is a DPT, and Steve told me to ask her what I should do. I  didn't want to because it makes me uncomfortable to ask professional people to give me free advice, so he told her what was going on (when I wasn't there and couldn't object) and she was very cool about it.  She sat me down after church and started feeling around my spine. She found the spot that hurt and pressed on it. It was unpleasant. She told me I had some kind of disk torsion (or something, I don't know) and told me to talk to my doctor (I had an appointment the next day) about it.  Of course, she was thumb-deep in my spinal cord at the time, so if she'd told me to put a live ferret down my shirt and dance the Macarena, I'd have agreed!

She also put KT Tape on my back, which weirdly helped a lot.  I don't know how it works, but it did help. She told me I could leave it on for as long as I wanted, but to take it off it it started to hurt or itch. I left it on all day yesterday, but by that evening, it was itchy. I wanted to pull it off, but it didn't want to come off. It REALLY didn't want to come off. I'd resigned myself to living with tape on my back for the rest of my life, but finally just gritted my teeth and pulled it off.  It would have been easier to pull off my own face, and I dare say, it would have hurt less.  I feel like I've got a terrible sunburn on my back and I can't get all of the glue off of myself.  Yuck.

At any rate, My doctor is referring me to an osteopath to make sure no nerves are getting damaged and hopefully my arm will stop going numb! Yay!

3) I've been getting steady freelance design work lately!  Woo-Hoo!  I had forgotten how much I enjoy making things pretty. I just finished a wedding invitation for someone Steve knows.  I had a lot of fun with it, but I have to say, wedding invitations can be complicated. I spent DAYS on the set of drafts that I did, and I came up with six things I thought were kind of awesome! I remembered at the last second that she'd sent me an example of one she'd liked online, so I threw together something similar for her so that she'd know I hadn't forgotten it, and of course, the one I spent the least amount of time on was the one she picked!  Haha!  Oh, well, she's happy with them, so I'm happy.

I've also been working with another bride who's family has the potential to throw some professional design work my way, so I hope I can keep her happy, too!  :)  I'll be working on her stuff during my free time this week. I'm in wedding stuff up to my eyeballs.

My only problem is that when I bill these clients, I do not charge them nearly enough. I need to figure out how that works. I don't want to over charge, but I want to be fair to myself, too.  Eh, I'll figure it out one of these days. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016


To my knowledge, I have never told this story on my blog. I'm not even sure I've told people in real life. It's time. My shame can no longer be contained.

This painting is probably the only piece of legitimate art I have in my house.

I love this painting. I am not usually a fan of this style, but something about it just spoke to me. It also was a perfect match for the wall color in my office.  It doesn't look like it in the picture, but it compliments  beautifully. I've had it for almost 10 years.

My problem is that I only own it because I stole it.

I didn't mean to steal it.  I didn't even realize I had stolen it, at the time.

When I was in college getting my art degree, we had a very small art building. That's not so unusual at a college that's main purpose is churning out astrophysicists and engineers, but because of that, space was kind of an issue. When I came back to school for my last year, I walked into the lounge area of the building and saw that a lot of projects were piled everywhere. Mostly it was drawings, but there were a couple of paintings and this one caught my eye. The frame was peeling and there was a hole in the canvas, but I immediately wanted it. I couldn't read the signature, and I didn't know anyone in painting classes anyway, so I went to the office and asked the lady in there who the art belonged to and why it was in the lounge. I don't remember her exact words, but I do remember she basically said it didn't belong to anyone and was art that had been graded and that students had left behind over the summer. I know I asked her again if it belonged to anyone, and I know she said no.  Trust me, I'm way too paranoid to just assume something is free to be taken.  So I went and got the painting and took it home.  Over that semester, when art would get piled into the lounge, I'd sift through it and take stuff I liked.  Free art!  Woo!

My last semester of school, I walked into the lounge to see if anything interesting had been left in there over the break. The room was completely bare of any art. I was disappointed, of course, but I didn't think much of it until later on when I overheard someone asking where last semester's projects were being kept, and heard the reply that they were now in a locked room because stuff had gone missing.


I literally had no idea that the artwork that I was taking wasn't just left over, it was final project type stuff, which is usually a big deal and had been left there over the summer because it was being graded and there was no other place to put them! I had just been going in there and taking whatever I wanted, when there was a pretty good chance that the artist didn't get a chance to decide if they wanted to keep it or not!  Without realizing it, I was Thomas Crowning the sh*t out of the art department.  I almost died, right then and there, and in a perfect world I would have confessed and brought everything back. I didn't. I was too embarrassed.  I think I just went home and got rid of everything I hadn't given away, except for that painting.

It's still hanging on my wall in the same place it's been this whole time. Judging me.

Now you know that, at one point in my life, I was a prolific art thief and I never got caught!

Monday, February 15, 2016


Happy birthday to me!  Well, yesterday, anyway.

Yes, I am now a woman of a certain age and that age is 38.  I'm no longer the young, beautiful, blushing spring flower that I once was. Pardon me while I weep in a corner.  *SOB*

Nah, just kidding! I'm still pretty awesome. Actually, I've got 38 years of awesome built up, so I'd say it's a fairly significant amount of awesome. 

My birthday was good. It was a good day. It wasn't the most exciting birthday I've ever had, but that may be because it was a Sunday and it was cold, and I was not feeling well.  I did manage to make it through the day without any major disaster, so at least that's a thing!  I went to church in the morning, had lunch with Mr. Lee and Steve that afternoon, and spent the rest of the day at home relaxing. 

The church was showing a movie last night and it was one I flat out refused to sit through. One day I'll explain why, when I'm not ashamed of myself. So I got it all ready except for pressing "PLAY" on the machine and left it to someone else so I could spend the rest of my day in my pajamas.  I know... pajamas, but it was just too cold here not to wear pants.

I'd actually been celebrating on and off since Friday, when my mom, sister and I went to lunch and went shopping. We usually do that together before our birthdays.  It was a lot of fun!  That night we also got to have dinner and watch TV with Anthony, who I've missed a lot since he changed jobs and he's been too busy to hang out much. 

Saturday was kind of a weird-ass day, but only because I think I experienced every emotion a person can have, all in the space of a couple of hours.  True story!  Steve and I were out, doing Saturday stuff and went from having an argument in a Cracker Barrel (well, not so much an argument as it was a misunderstanding. We didn't cause a scene and throw syrup or anything.) to laughing and joking five minutes later, to me getting frustrated as I ran all over town looking for something that apparently isn't sold until spring, getting my feelings hurt by a rather rude shop owner who didn't seem to feel I belonged in her store, and then I UGLY cried, and that is not an exaggeration, over a dog Steve wanted to bring home from an adopt-a-thon (he was a 12 year old dog named Augustus, and we can't have a dog right now for several reasons and I had to be the voice of reason about it, but the idea that we were leaving him behind and alone unhinged me for a while. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive when you are full on weeping? Very hard! Oh, and just in case you're worried, if he is still not adopted by July, we're going back to get him.) THEN, less than an hour after I got home and calmed down from the dog thing, I got flowers delivered, which made me happy.  I honestly don't remember the rest of the day, because that was too many feelings to process in such a short amount of time and I think my brain shorted out.

On my actual birthday, lots of people at church very kindly remembered my birthday, and of course, my Facebook friends and family told me happy birthday, which is always nice.  So, all in all I either saw, spoke to, or got texts (and a video) from the people I love the most in the world and I don't know how things can really get much better than that! 

In light of full disclosure, there was one tiny thing that didn't go my way.  It's so stupid and personally embarrassing that I'm not going to tell you what it was, but it really was such a dumb, little, truly unimportant-in-the-scheme-of-all-things thing that I'm sorry I let it bring down my day even a little.  You know how sometimes little stuff can sometimes take on huge proportions when you think about them too much?  That's what it was.  I just wanted a certain thing to happen, and it didn't. I could have probably forced the issue, but I didn't want to, and got upset that no one read my mind.  It was really silly.  I think if I hadn't had so many other good things happen, it might have upset me more, but even then, it was a dumb thing to get upset over.

Stuff like that is the just way I'm made.  Really, it's because without those little flaws, the gods would get jealous and destroy me in a truly spectacular way. It's best for everyone that those flaws exist. :)

So anyway, let's see what my 38th year has in store. I hope it's lots of good things! Keep your fingers crossed for me! 

Friday, February 12, 2016


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with the absolute worst feeling. I don't know what I was dreaming, but it must have been awful to wake up feeling like that.  It was all muzzy and unformed and I couldn't protect my brain from it because I wasn't all the way awake.

It was like my family leaving me at the airport on purpose with no way home and no way to call anyone to come and get me and no money for a cab, and even if I could get someone to let me borrow a phone, no matter who I called, no one would admit to leaving me at the airport.  It's the way I feel when I have the panic dreams where no one will give me a straight answer to my questions. Bleh.  It was irrational and panicky and I literally started picking apart everything I'd done and said in the past week or two to try and figure out what I'd done to make everyone hate me. I felt completely abandoned, and it didn't help that Steve had gotten up to get a drink, so when I did wake up I actually was alone. I even started composing apology letters to people in my head, just in case.

I even made Steve talk to me about what I could have done when he finally came back to bed, and trust me, he hates my irrational fears and the fact that I need to talk about them sometimes!

I know that none of this makes sense.

I'm not the only person I know that this happens to. It's a weird thing and I hate it!  I wonder why it never happens that we wake up in the middle of the night and think "Hey, remember that time you did this awesome thing? Oh, and think of all the people who love you and think you're great! You were really funny the other day. Your friends would never in a million years abandon you without closure or even get angry without explaining why! Bask in the warmth and safety of your life! You've never once made a truly bad decision, and even if you had, it won't ruin everything!"  Heh. That would be nice!

No, it's always the worst things that pop into my head. least I was sufficiently awake to decide to go to the gym super early.  So, silver lining?

Haha, I hate morning brain!

Just in case, though... please still love me! I didn't do it, whatever it was, on purpose! Probably. :)

Tuesday, February 09, 2016


I don't know about you, but cold weather makes me hungry for warm things.

It was snowing and yucky on my way to work, so I couldn't stop anywhere and get breakfast because my windshield had started freezing over (my heater was having one of it's not working days) and I wanted to get to work before I couldn't see anymore.

I had food in my bag, so I didn't starve or anything, but it was all cold and my brain is now telling the rest of me that it wasn't good enough and still wants something hot.

I'm not even hungry anymore, but I'd kiss someone right on the mouth if they'd bring me a biscuit.

(I think people may see that more of a threat than an enticement these days, but I'll at least leave it as an option.) 

Monday, February 08, 2016


1) I can't believe it's the second week of February already!  This is nuts.  My mother always told me that when you get older, time goes faster, and now I understand!  I think I've figured out the phenomena, though.

Every day is the same. Well, close enough, anyway!  I don't think I have ever realized this until I started working at the church.  I have such a regular set of things that I have to do each week that the days just blend into one another.  It's really kind of weird when you think about it.  I bet it's the same when you have to drive a lot for your work; just miles and miles of road that eat up your time and after a while, you stop seeing it.  I'm lucky to have the job I have, so no complaints exactly, but you do have to break things up a bit.  Luckily, I have a few things I do to make things more fun!  Otherwise I'd wake up and be 100 years old and have no idea what had happened!

2) Sorry, I'm just realizing that I'll be another year older soon and I'm trying to fight off the panic of getting old.  Well, older. I don't guess I'm old enough to be OLD just yet. I just start getting kind of breathless when I realize how old I am and that there are so many things I want to do! I've barely started!  *wheeze, wheeze, wheeze...uses inhaler...*

I'm going to have to start thinking about who I'm going to do for my midlife crisis soon!  Hee!

3) You guys, I have a problem. Ok, it isn't a real problem. Well sort of. It's a stupid thing, really, and also kind of embarrassing, but only in the sense that it's about underwear.  If you don't want to read about underwear, then you can skip this one.  I apologize.

Last Friday, I was shopping and I found myself in the lingerie section of a store. They didn't have what I'd specifically been looking for, but they did have lots of pretty bras and I like pretty bras!  They even had some in my size! It's rare enough to find pretty bras in the size I need that I tend to seize the moment and get them if I can.

Let me stop here and explain that, for those of you who don't know the actual, in person me, I have been blessed with what my sister refers to as bodacious tatas.  I don't know how bodacious they are, but there you go.  (*EDIT: I feel I need to be more clear, here. This is why I have trouble finding nice bras on my size. At a certain point, they either get prohibitively expensive because you have to go to special shops, or they go ugly industrial elastic and rubber, or porn-star stuff that I don't think would work under normal clothes. I'm not bragging or anything like that.)

Anyway, so I bought two of them and decided to wear one today, and although it's doing it's job admirably as far as keeping everything contained, the bra is creaking. It's creaking like an old wooden ship being rocked by waves. It's awful. Every time I move, I sound like an old rocking chair. I think it might be the wire inside rubbing against whatever the bra is made of, but it's embarrassing and I'm afraid to move around too much because it's loud enough for others to hear it!  I'm lucky that I work with people who have their own offices, but if I have to take something to them they're going to wonder why my boobs are creaking.  I'm sure there's a joke in this somewhere, but you'll have to figure it out for me.

4) Sometimes I am forcefully reminded that I am not enough. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I've never been enough. I guess something is missing. I wish I knew what. 

5) I have been slowly, but surely, clearing out my home office since Friday night.  Steve is installing some shelving in there that, hopefully, will alleviate the cluttering issue I have now.  It had gotten way out of hand.  I try to keep my books and art supplies in there, and I have a LOT of books and art supplies.  I had actually forgotten that it had once been a small dining room and was big enough for a family to eat in since there was very little room to move around!

While I was going through stuff, I found a lot of old pictures and things from my high school days. I had a nice little stroll down memory lane, although, something about looking at old pictures makes me melancholy.  I guess it's because so many of those people aren't a part of my life anymore, but even pictures of the good times always make me a bit sad.  That always happens.  Who knows why.  At any rate, I got a chance to look through a lot of my pictures of old friends and good times!  I even found my senior portraits and I can't believe how young I looked!  I also had some weird eyebrow game going, because in a lot of those pictures, I looked MAD.  Haha!  I always feel mentally that I'm still that age, but it's an unpleasant realization that I'm 20 years older when I look in the mirror!  I mean, I'm still really adorable, and have the bodacious tatas (ha) but still, I'm 20 years older.  At least my eyebrows aren't as angry! Silver linings!