NOPE

Nope. I was wrong. 

Back to square one.

I’m so tired.

FYI

Things are currently…ok. 

Not perfect, not awesome, but a bit better. Working on it, at least.

It’s been a long, fecking few months, though. 

We’ll see how it goes.

I’m so damn tired.

 Have you ever just given up? I think I’m there. I don’t want to be there, but I don’t have a choice.

Again, sorry to be cryptic, but it’s still not my story to tell.

I made some mistakes that made things bad. Everything I try to do to help makes things worse. It’s like I’m trying to stop a tsunami with a net.

Everything is black. There isn’t any hope and I am drowning. This is just life now. I’m not being melodramatic.

I’m not sure prayers work anymore, but if you have a few lying around you don’t need, I could use one.

SIGH

 Everything in my life is spinning out of my control right now and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

I am so completely overwhelmed. Like, really, really.

Sorry to be cryptic, I know that’s annoying. Most of it isn’t actually my story to tell, but I'm getting pulled along in the wake and I’m beginning to feel a bit desperate.

I’m not looking for pity, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to, so I’m telling whoever still reads this thing.

(As a thank you for reading this, kind stranger, I hope my discomfort means the universe is too busy with me to make things difficult for you. Hope it’s great, whatever you’re doing. Balance and all that. Good luck with that thing.)

 Y’all…

I’m straight up not having a good time anymore.

TWO THINGS

 1) A couple of entries ago, when I was writing about the Chattanooga Ironman thing, I used the phrase “personal PR.” It has since occurred to me that “PR” means personal record, so I basically said personal personal record. I apologize for the mistake and promise to try and wordsmith better in the future!

I still hope the perv got his shoe clips stuck, though.

2) Speaking of dreams: two nights ago I had a dream about a friend I haven’t seen in years and years. I was so excited to see them, but in my dream they wouldn’t talk to me. It bothered me in my dream, and I was even upset about it when I woke up! Last night the same friend showed up in my dream again, and this time they tried talking to me, but I shook my head and ran away.

At this point I’m so confused about who is snubbing whom that I’m tempted to call and interrupt their life just to see which one of us hangs up first. “Sorry, I know we haven’t spoken in years, but I have been dreaming about you and I need to clear something’s up…”

A QUICKY

I had the mother of all stress dreams.

I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow, but you know how sometimes you have a dream about going back to school and having to take a test you didn't study for and things like that? It was like that, but it wasn't just one thing, it was all the things.

The Gist: I went on vacation with Steve and some other people, but when we got to the resort, we found out that most of the staff were not there because of a scheduling snafu. Since I wanted everyone else to have a good time, I went to the manager and said if he told me what I could do, I'd work for the week to help fill in the gaps in staffing.

Everything went wrong. I couldn't get a uniform right away. No one would tell me what to do or how to do what I needed to do. I couldn't have fun with the people I had gone on vacation with, but I couldn't be mad because I'd volunteered to work! I didn't know how to be a waitress and I was afraid the rich, mean people would yell at me. Then the resort flooded, like...furniture floating and water to our knees flooded. Apparently, what pushed the whole dream over the edge was when I went into the bathroom to pull my hair back so it wouldn't be in the way, I saw that it had started falling out. I woke up in a panic over that.

That dream was so vivid and real that I still expect to look in a mirror and see that I've gone bald.

What could cause a dream like that? Geez.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) You had to be there, but still:

I was having lunch with Steve on Monday and I said "Do you know what I'm mad about today? I'm mad that there are colors that I'll never see." I'm 100% serious about that.

I had been watching a YouTube video about light wavelengths that produce colors that the human eye can't detect because we don't possess the right kind of hardware for that, as we only have 3 types of visual cone cells. There are birds and bugs that can see them, but humans can't. However, there ARE some humans who have a mutation that gives them four types of visual cone cells, and so they can see a layer of colors that the rest of us can't and that pisses me off so much I can't even explain. I want 4 cones! I want to see the hidden colors!

Now, I didn't expect that Steve cared much about my number of cone cells, and he just looked at me like I was kind of crazy. That's fair. It's a weird thing to be mad about. So, knowing how way leads on to way, we moved on to another topic of conversation and I forgot I mentioned it.

Fast forward to the end of the day and we were getting ready to go to sleep. I looked up at the Alexa Dot we have in the bedroom, and I asked it "Alexa, what is your favorite color?" because I like to ask her personal questions sometimes to see what she's programmed to say (and also so she remembers that I was nice to her in case she goes rogue.) She answered "My favorite color is ultraviolet. It glows with everything!" and Steve looked over at me and said, "And you'll never see it with your THREE CONES!"

I swear, he said it with such glee and he laughed so hard that I'm almost positive that he had been holding on to that just on the off chance that he would one day get to use it! It was both the meanest and funniest thing I'd heard in a long time, and I think I laughed for 15 minutes. So, if I ever question if Steve is paying attention to me, I'll have to remember that he is, even if it's only to take the piss later on. Heehee.

2) Our company had a work outing to a baseball game a few nights ago. I'm not the biggest fan of baseball, but it was fun to sit and make jokes and people watch. One of the things our local team seems to be proficient at is foul balls. I'm not judging, as I can't personally play the game, but it seems like lots of them tend to go into the stands. The kids that are there are crazy about catching them, and/or getting them from whoever does catch them. There is apparently an unspoken rule that if a grown up catches a ball, they've got to give it to a kid. (One hopes that the adult doesn't mind this, I guess.)

So, Anthony (Yes, he was invited. Shut up.) and I were sitting a couple of rows behind this group of young 20 somethings who were really into the game. I guess they were like the cool kids, maybe? It's hard to explain. Anyway, that group was really into the game and they were having a blast, and a foul ball comes flying over our way. One of the guys gets the ball and he throws it to a kid. Standard business.  A couple of innings later, another foul ball comes our way and lands in a group of kids standing by the outfield fence. This one kid (a bit older than the others) grabbed it, and he was so excited! Then he walked over and gave it to the older guy who gave up his ball earlier. It was so cute. I'd never seen a kid do that before. So the turntables.

It was freaking heartwarming.

3) Ooooh, y'all, I took a melatonin supplement last night because I couldn't sleep. I'd actually fallen asleep earlier, woken up, and couldn't go back to sleep no matter what I tried. I could have gotten up, and been exhausted and miserable for the rest of the day. I could have taken one of my anxiety pills, but that is usually a last resort since I don't like to take them unless I really need them. So I grabbed the melatonin gummies. I feel asleep, alright. I fell asleep, had ridiculous more-vivid-than-usual dreams, and woke up feeling like my body was awake, but my brain was at the dry cleaners. I don't know how I'm going to function at work today, but I'm really hoping my mind gets significantly less sticky as the day goes on, or I'm going to have to make a nest out of classified files and sleep for another couple of hours.

4) I know this sounds morbid, but I've been reading through The Charley Project files. I originally learned about it through a true crime YouTube channel I was using as background noise one day, and I was curious to see what it was all about. The Charley Project is a database of cold case missing persons files. It has a picture of them, sometimes a bit about their life, and as much as the writer knows about the day they disappeared and what was going on. It's oddly fascinating, but also so terribly sad. I originally started reading it out of morbid curiosity, but I've found myself feeling like I need to read as many of the stories as possible so that they aren't forgotten about. You know that saying about how people aren't really gone as long as someone is thinking about them? I'm reading them because I don't want them to be gone completely.

They have cases listed from as far back as 1910, up until about a year ago, I think. Currently, I'm only to the 1970s, and man, did the cases multiply then! From the 1910s-1960s the officials seemed to think that a lot of people just got spontaneous amnesia and wondered away. Granted, they didn't know about how rare true amnesia actually is back then, so I'll give them a pass. Also, quite a few of the cases can be (rationally) attributed to "Husband Kills Wife and Kids" even if they didn't have enough proof to convict them. In the 70s, I'm pretty sure the two biggest causes of death were hitchhiking and Ted Bundy. It's all so terribly sad. It's made me wish I had the super-hero power to know where lost people could be found, even if they weren't alive anymore. 

Probably not great for my psyche to dwell on this stuff, but I wish they (or information about them) could be found! 

THE NOOG: MAY 2023

Completely out of character for us as of late, we went on a quick overnight trip to Chattanooga.

It was my fault.

As most of you might know, Steve doesn't like to travel because he travels so much for work now (plus we have wildly different ideas about where we'd go, and if he's bored he makes it obvious) so we rarely go on vacations anymore. I love to travel, but I can't go alone because the world sucks and I don't feel safe doing it. So, when Steve told me he had a band concert in Chattanooga (one he does every year, but I never attend because of reasons that are my business) I asked if he wanted me to go with him. Mainly, I wanted to get out of our house for a while, and I thought this would be a good chance to do so. The band concert would be incidental! He was surprised, I think.

We also invited Anthony, because he's family, and he said that he couldn't make it as early as we were going (he teaches and had an early class that day) but that he would meet us there that afternoon and we could have dinner and do some stuff! From there we made dinner reservations and planned to attend an event at the Chattanooga Zoo - Spirits in the Wild -where you can drink, eat, and be around animals! 

Once I realized that the event ran until 9, I talked Steve into getting a hotel room for us so that we didn't have to drive back so late, especially if we would be having cocktails at this event. I was really kind of surprised when he agreed to do it!  We had a little bit of a problem getting a room because some big events were happening in Chattanooga that weekend, so we had to get a place just a smidge out of town, but it wasn't too far away.

Unfortunately, the actual reason for the trip got cancelled. His concert was called because there was supposed to be rain, but we'd already bought tickets to the zoo thing and had the dinner and hotel reservations, and it was within 24 hours of all of it before we knew about the cancellation, so we decided to go anyways. I felt really bad. I knew Steve would have rather not gone, but he also didn't want to lose the money we'd already spent. Eh, well, carpe diem, I guess. Heehee.

So we left late on Saturday morning and made it into Chattanooga by about 10:00 AM. It was so busy! The Chattanooga Ironman triathlon was scheduled for that weekend, and streets were blocked off and people in spandex were everywhere with their fancy, flat bikes! We finally found a place to park and got out to walk around. I'm not unfamiliar with the Ironman event (I have a cousin who coaches the people who do them) but I had no idea the scale of the thing. There was a whole village of tents set up for the athletes and a big shop where you can buy merch. Athletes were testing out the route on bikes and running, and there was a whole parking lot full of bikes and bags. It was a bit overwhelming. I really just don't "get" it though. Don't get me wrong, I have a deep awe and respect for people who can do that sort of thing and I know it takes months of training and discipline, but I don't understand why they want to do it. It seems like an incredibly brutal thing to put yourself though. Of course, I say this as someone who almost died trying to run a 5k on a hot day, so maybe I don't understand because my body rejects the very idea of that kind of physical activity! At any rate, despite my confusion with why, mad respect to everyone who participated (except for the one guy who was resting on the sidewalk that tried looking up my skirt. I hope his shoe clips got stuck in the pedals of his fancy bike when he tried to get off and it took him two tries to transfer to the next stage of the race, negatively affecting his personal PR. I also hope the banana he got at the snack tent was bruised.) Perv.

Despite my feeling bad that I got us caught up in all of that and obligated to stay out of town, we actually had a good time, I think. We walked around, ate snacks at a couple of the local places, and shopped a bit. we also stopped and had a couple of midday cocktails (one that didn't affect me at all, but another in a place a couple of hours later that caused me to do some expensive drunk shopping at the Hot Chocolatier. I regret nothing.) 

Anthony got there just in time for our dinner reservations at a place called Tupelo Honey Cafe. the food was fantastic! I picked it blindly when looking for a place to eat because it was close to downtown, but I'd gladly eat there again. I didn't know it was a chain, but you wouldn't really know it!  We left there to go to the zoo, and the rain started pouring down by the time we got there. We got some shitty gift shop ponchos, though, and powered through! That was actually a lot of fun, I thought, even with the rain. You could walk up to any booth or bar and eat and drink as much as you wanted, and you got to see all the different animals! Don't worry, after my afternoon cocktail excitement, I had about 4 sips of the drink they gave me when I walked in and decided that I'd rather be sober thankyouverymuch. 

The highlight of my evening was that I got to feed a giraffe! You could pay 5 dollars and get a hand full of lettuce, and they let you feed a male giraffe named George! I loved him! Anthony took some pictures of me doing it, and despite my face, it was great. George licked me by accident, though. Ah, well, how many people can say they've been licked by a giraffe? 

My face is a whole journey!

We stayed until almost closing, but Anthony had to leave for Huntsville. He wasn't able to stay overnight because A) He couldn't get a room, and B) he had to drive to Memphis the next day to visit his folks, so Steve and I said our goodbyes and headed off to the hotel to sleep!

The next day was very chill. We avoided going downtown because the race was going on, so we drove around a bit and then headed home. It was a short, and enjoyable, little trip! 

ONE THING

 Ok, I know this is random, but it is a thing I’ve only recently become aware of.

You know that song “One Headlight” From 1997? That song gives me creeping anxiety. Like, it’s bad enough that it makes my stomach feel weird. I don’t know what it is, but whenever I hear it, I feel like I’m reliving some kind of mild trauma that I can’t put my finger on.

In fact, it was only after recently hearing that song and realizing how uncomfortable it made me that I also realized there are several songs from around that time, of a similar genre, that make me feel weird and I don’t know why. Granted, that wasn’t the greatest time of my life, but it wasn’t anything I would consider bad enough to get flashbacks from.

Am…am I repressing something? 

EVEN MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) You know, I appreciate people who are being supportive of me since I had weight loss surgery, I really do. However, it's hilarious to me (albeit understandable) that there is so little understanding about how the whole thing worked.

I had someone recently point to an outfit and say "Hey, you should wear something like that!" and it was shorts and a kind short top. Cute enough outfit, but not a thing I'd ever be brave enough to wear. I said as much and they were like "WHY?! You've lost weight, you should be able to wear anything you want now!"

Here's the thing. Yes, I lost 90 pounds, but I lost it fast. When that happens, your body doesn't...react the same way as it would if you lose it over a longer period of time. I had to tell them that I didn't magically start looking like a supermodel when I lost weight. That doesn't compute to a lot of people. Basically, I had to explain that, from mid torso down, it looks like I opened my eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened. Heehee! 

2) Last week I went to Dismals Canyon! It's funny to me that I've heard about that place, heard that it is gorgeous and amazing and has freaking GLOW WORMS, and I've never made more of an attempt to go there. Anthony, who is a dedicated hiker and a member of the Land Trust in Huntsville, ended up reading about it and got proactive about getting tickets to the night hike. Apparently, it's like trying to win an old school radio contest to get those, but we got spots for the 8:45 tour.

We actually went up much earlier to hike the 1.5 mile trail in the canyon, and it was gorgeous. Even though there was a prepared trail down to the canyon floor, the walk down wasn't the easiest one to traverse after the wooden stairs stopped, just because of the rocks and stuff, but once you got down there it was fine. It was also one of the prettiest places I've ever seen in Alabama. Big walls of water worn sandstone tower above your head, and a stream runs through the whole thing. This link explains it better than I can, plus it has pictures! The trees and plants are gorgeous, and it was fun to wonder around down there looking at the cool rocks and stuff. I really like rocks! 

Maybe the only thing that wasn't so fun was one spot where you have to cross the stream. There were stepping stones placed out there, but one of them had washed away, making it very difficult to reach the next one from the bank. We stood there trying to figure out what to do for a long time, and our individual choices speak volumes about our characters, I think. Anthony decided that he was going to roll up his pants and take off his shoes and socks to wade across. Steve watched him do that, and decided that he'd do the same. Me? I was too lazy to re-lace my hiking boots, so I just walked across without taking them off! One boot filled with water and made one whole foot wet and cold, which sucked, but I made my choice! Heehee. (Don't worry, when we left to get dinner before our night hike, I stopped by Wal-Mart and got another pair of socks!)

The visit at night was amazing. I really mean that. It was such a cool experience, and not something everyone gets a chance to do. It wasn't easy walking those stairs and trails in the dark, but being able to go through those stone walls with the tiny sparks of blue light all over them was like walking though banks of stars.  I wish I could explain it better. The trail guide said that the Discovery Channel had been out to film the Dismalites (glow worm things) and it's supposed to air sometime this year, I think? I can't wait to see it! 

I will say, though, that as cool as it was to see the Dismalites, I think I liked the hike during the day better. It was so beautiful, and I'm so glad I got to go and visit! 

3) I gave blood! I was very scared to do it, but I was determined! Our company sponsored a blood drive, and I promised myself that I'd go through with it if at all possible. I knew you had to pass a preliminary screening, and because of the way I eat, I wasn't sure that I'd qualify, so I woke up at 1:30 AM and ate cheese, took my multi-vitamin, had a protein drink, and started drinking water like crazy. Then I fell asleep, and woke up two hours later and drank more water (I'm in a constant state of near dehydration, usually) and so by the time my 9:00 appointment rolled around, I was hydrated, full of iron and vitamins, and still very scared. They were so kind, though, and it put me at ease. The only iffy part was when he put the needle in my arm and had to dig around for a moment, but he found the vein! It took me 22 minutes to give a pint of blood, though, which I think is a long time. I also almost fainted a little later, but that was my fault for overexerting while getting something off of a shelf. Now some lucky soul will be walking around with my blood in their body at some point!  

That last part actually kind of weirds me out, but I'm not sorry and I hope I'll be able to do it again!

4) We went to the National Cornbread Festival in South Pittsburg, TN! Since the pandemic closed it down in 2020 and 2021, it's been impossible to get into because of how popular it is. Last year we tried to go, but we couldn't even get to the parking area where we could be bussed in, but this year we found a really, really backwoods (that is not a euphemism, we really drove down a gravel road back in the woods and almost got eaten by a giant dog) way to get into the town! It was fun!  We ate cornbread, shopped at the vendors booths, and I entered a frozen t-shirt contest! I didn't even know what it was, but I volunteered from the audience. Thankfully it didn't have anything to do with nipples like I assumed, and we literally had to unwrap a frozen t-shirt to see who could get it out of the container, unwind it, and put it on first! I didn't win, but I got a free t-shirt out of it! (Looking back, would I still have participated if nipples were involved? Maybe...)

Steve and I also we to the Cullman Strawberry Festival a week later. It was a fairly spur of the moment decision (and Anthony was working, in case you were curious) so we drove down there late in the day. We were too late for any of the events except for some concerts that we had no desire to see, but we walked around, ate some strawberry stuff, and did some shopping at the vendors and the street that was blocked off. It was very chill and we had a good time. It's been a long time since I've been to Cullman proper and it has changed so much! I don't think I'd be able to find my way around to save my life. However, I do think all the updates are great! I bet things stay open past 7:00 now, too. Ha!

BTW, the whole time I was there, the song Watermelon Crawl was running through my head, and it annoyed me because it was about the wrong fruit.

I love small town festivals like these, and I hope I find more of them to go to before the summer is over!

MY VOTE? HAUNTED.

I had a moment of sheer weirdness the other day that I need to talk about. I feel I need to over explain this so I don't sound like a complete creep, so please bear with me.

First off, I need to make it clear that I am a very private bathroom person. I don't like going in groups and I don't like people talking to me through stall doors. All I want to do is do whatever I've got to do and get out. That's just how I am. I also like to let others do whatever they've got to do without bothering them.

Secondly, our company doesn't have its own bathroom. There are public bathrooms out in the hallway that we share with the other office on our floor. As far as the ladies' room goes, it's very rare that two people are in there at the same time but, of course, it occasionally happens. 

I went in there on Monday and headed for one of the stalls and only when I got near it did I notice it was shut, so I course corrected and went into another stall on the opposite side of the room. While I was in there, I realized that other than my own breathing, the room was deathly still and quiet. Now, if you've ever been in a public restroom with another person, usually there is the sound of movement, or they clear their throat, or feet get shuffled. There are signs of life, in other words, so I wondered to myself if the door had just been closed, or if there was actually a person in there. For reasons I still do not understand, I glanced along the floor and noticed that there was indeed feet under the stall, and with my curiosity satiated, I did what I had to do and left. 

Several hours later, I went back in the bathroom and noticed the same stall door was closed. I could see the same shoes were still under that same door and they were still not moving, and the room was again deathly quiet. Now look, I get that people have issues and sometimes camping out in a bathroom stall is a necessity. I'm aware that in those moments a person is vulnerable and doesn't want to be disturbed. I'm more than willing to leave them alone. But I'm not wrong to think that's weird, am I? The same feet under the same stall hours later with no sounds or movement or even rustling of clothes?

So my mind immediately went "Yep, that lady is dead. There is a dead lady in that stall who has died and no one is going to know because no one wants to bother someone while they're using the bathroom." It CONCERNED me, but did I do anything? No, I did not. I have no idea what the etiquette is for that situation. My sense of personal propriety overcame my worry that there was a dead body in the bathroom and so I left. I'd love to say that I did the decent thing and asked if she was ok, but I didn't. I just went back to the office, sat at my desk, and hoped that someone else would go in and, if the lady was indeed dead, they would deal with it. I Twitter crowd sourced some ideas on how to unobtrusively check if the person was alive, and what I got back spanned the spectrum of turning off the light and seeing if the person objected, to blasting an air horn, but I did neither of those things.  I did tell one of my coworkers to go and look, but that was the extent of my actions.

All of this turns out to be fairly anticlimactic in the end, because when my coworker did go to the bathroom later, she said the stall was empty. However, I never saw anyone come out before then and I have a direct line of sight from my desk to the bathroom door, so either the bathroom is haunted, the person in that stall crawled through the drop ceiling to go back to their lair in the walls, or someone went in there and unobtrusively Weekend-At-Bernie'sed the dead lady out of there so that there wouldn't be a fuss. I still don't know, and it has bothered me ever since.

A QUICKY

 Ooof, I had a terrible sleep paralysis nightmare last night.

The dream itself is mostly forgotten, but I know it had to do with cats, me being mostly blind, and the bad lady from the most current season of "Picard" holding me hostage. I think she was holding me hostage because she wanted my cats? I dunno, it didn't make sense.

All I know is that in a weird, half-awake, can't move, terrified and helpless moment of my dream, Steve's sleep breathing broke through to my subconscious and made him a part of my dream and it scared me so badly that I broke my paralysis and was 100% poised to full on assault him with every ounce of strength I had in my body had I not woken up enough mid swing to realize I was not blind and not being held hostage by a cat-loving, shape-shifting, revenge seeking space creature.

Steve really is living on the edge and has no idea.

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) I got bored the other day and had my nails done. Steve was out doing networking stuff and I didn't want to sit at home alone anymore, so on a whim I went to the same salon that the owner of our company goes to and said "Give me the works!"

Well, not really the works. Just a full set of acrylic nail tips and a gel polish. Heehee.

I don't think I've had fake nails put on since my wedding, or at least close to that long, but lots of women that I work with have such pretty, manicured nails and I have the hands of an offshore oil driller. I covet how put together they always look and figured I'd play along and try to capture some of their glamour.  

I forgot how claustrophobic I get when I'm having beauty stuff done. I literally had to take one of my panic-stopping pills while I was sitting there because having someone working on me and not being able to get away freaked me out. Not that I couldn't have left if I absolutely needed to, but it would have been awkward (and very rude) to run out in the middle of a manicure. 

So I got the things and they were gorgeous, and I loved them and they were so shiny and perfect! I had them painted a color shifting blue/pink/green so that they would go with lots of stuff, and they caught the light and made my hands look so nice!  I felt this way for about 24 hours before I remembered why I don't get acrylic nails done anymore.

I couldn't do shit with my hands. I have to face the facts that I'm usually like an unevolved primate that has to use its claws to dig for grubs and roots. With the fake nails on, I couldn't properly pick things up, write, put on/take off my clothes, open packages, or even scratch an itch. I purposefully got them short and still couldn't do normal everyday things without issues. I knew I was in trouble when I tried to take out my contacts and nearly blinded myself. Also, I forgot that real nails grow out, so the fake ones start looking weird and have a scratchy ridge on the bottom that will drive me crazy. Basically, I'm a basement gremlin who doesn't know how to be a fancy lady.

I kept them on for two weeks, cutting them, shaping them, trying to make them less intrusive, all to no avail. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to take them off, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be! When I had them before, I just soaked them in fingernail polish remover and they eventually peeled off. This time, and I think due to the gel polish (really a kind of resin that hardens with UV light,) the nail polish trick wasn't working. I scraped, pulled, soaked, snipped, and tugged. I finally had to go and get some pure acetone and soak my nails in that and then chip away at them and it STILL took two days to get most of them off. It wrecked my real nails, and my cuticles look like they got in a fight with an angry ferret! Also, I still have some of the acrylic nail stuff on my real nails, which makes it impossible to cover up the damage with other nail polish without looking like putting paint over peeling wallpaper. 

So, in an attempt to be pretty and fancy and polished, my hands look worse than they did before. At least I've learned my lesson about spending my money on fake nails! I guess, if I want to look nice, I'll just to focus on something less complicated. Like showing off my cleavage. ;)

2) Logan graduated from Air Force basic training last week!  We are so proud! I know he's a grown man who is married and has a child, but he will always seem so young to me. Angie sent me pictures and I unexpectedly got all weepy. I guess because he's officially an adult now! *sniff*

3) While Angie and Shawn were in San Antonio for logan's graduation, we got to keep Logan's dog, Beau. He's 8, almost 9 years old, but I don't think he knows it. He's still as hyper and crazy as ever. He was very sad when Angie left him with me, but he and I came to an understanding. He learned I am a sucker and will play with him all of the time, and I learned that he is a dog that can con me into playing with him all of the time. Steve was home with Beau most of the time, because he mostly works remotely. Beau was quiet, sleepy, and calm while Steve was there. Once I got home, all of that went out of the window. We played ball. We played tug. We disemboweled several stuffed animals. We also slept in the recliner together at night so he wouldn't be scared, and to be frank, he was the only one who got any sleep because it's not comfortable to have a 60-pound cinderblock of a dog sticking his pointy claws into my armpit, while he rolls over and over on top of me. Also, waking up randomly in the middle of the night for belly scratches was disruptive too. Steve went out of town for the weekend, and I was there with Beau alone for three days, and those three days almost killed me. I love the dog, he is precious, and if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in the room and then myself, but damn if I wasn't a little bit glad when Angie and Shawn picked him up on Sunday afternoon. I think I slept for 18 straight hours once I was alone. I still haven't recovered.

4) You know how I mentioned above that I don't know how to be a fancy lady? Well, we are going to a fancy-pants wedding this weekend and to date I've bought 4 dresses for it and still have no idea which one is most appropriate. At some point I've just forgotten how to be a woman.

Well, I've forgotten how to be a dressy, nicely put together woman, at least. There are all kinds of ways to be a woman that I still know how to be, but none of those ways can tell me what to wear to a black-tie-optional wedding - or wear fake nails. 

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) As much as I enjoy social media (well, as much as anyone can enjoy it if they manage to avoid the ugliness that it can produce) one thing really bothers me. Every once in a while, some app that I’m using will give me a notification saying that it has a new option for me to modify my circle, or however they put it. They tell you that you can create a special group of people within your followers to talk to and exclude other followers. Granted, I suppose this makes sense if you are a marketing site and have paid memberships that get special content, but I don’t understand it in the context of personal accounts. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s like inviting people to a party, but not talking to them or letting them hear any conversation. They can sit at the table, but no one will acknowledge them. It’s weird. I don’t like the fact that they are giving me the option of being a Mean Girl. 

2) I'm procrastinating SO HARD at work right now. I'm so tired and I don't want to do anything. Allergies are kicking my ass and I feel like the only thing I have any desire to do is lie down and float in the ether of pollen and malaise. 

I've got a lot of things on my to-do list, so I'm going to see how many of them I can ignore before things go 30 Seconds to Midnight.

3) Last Saturday, Steve and I went to the Mad Scientist Bash for this year with some of our other coworkers! It was fun! I'd been planning my costume for a while, but it turned out less "Mad Scientist" and leaned more towards "Super Villain." However, being fair, a lot of super villains start out as scientists that are mad, sooooo...

I found a black lab coat, wore all black clothes and boots, and had a pair of LED glasses that you could program with messages to scroll. Also, and I'm not sure how smart this was, I dyed my hair blue. Well, I tinted it blue. It's mostly noticeable in the places where my hair is already white, so it's not all that obtrusive. Also, and I didn't consider this until DAYS later, the event was in a large, dimly lit building, so no one could really see that my hair was tinted anyway. Oh well, I like it, even though I know it's going to turn green before it fades completely. Look, when I pick a theme, I COMMIT. Heehee.

The keynote speaker was obviously a very brilliant man, but he kept chasing tangents and so I didn't have any idea what he was trying to talk about. To be honest, it was probably going to go over my head anyways, but I think it could have been pretty fascinating. I may have to look into the subject on the internet and see if there is a "for Dummies" version out there. We ate, we drank, and we danced. Because I was wearing the mostly face obscuring glasses, I didn't have any self consciousness, so I was dancing like no one was watching. However, it turned out someone was watching and I got filmed by someone. I don't know who. So, if you happen to see a video clip of someone in black, with blue hair and a screen on their face that kept scrolling "Greetings Fellow Nerds" dancing like a lunatic, that was me. You don't have to admit to anyone that you know me. I'll understand.

4) Y'all, can I confess something? I feel overwhelmed lately. I don't even know what I'm overwhelmed with. Life, maybe? I don't know why, since my work load hasn't changed, and my everything else load is about the same, but damn, I feel like there is just too much. Does that make sense? I wake up ready to go back to bed, and during the day I just want to hide in a closet and wait there until it's time to go home so I can cram myself under a blanket and hide from everyone and everything. Like, I have so much I need to do at home, but by the time I get there all I can do is stare around and be overwhelmed by that, too, so I don't end up doing the stuff. Steve is hardly ever home anymore, so it's kind of up to me to make sure everything is all in order, and since it's just two of us you'd think that would be easy, but I can't get seem to make myself do any of it because it still feels like too much. In turn, not doing those things makes me feel even more overwhelmed because I know I'm just going to have to do it later. 

The occasional work event (see above) or hockey game, or things like that are a nice respite, but I sometimes almost feel like they're too much, too. 

Am I burned out? Is this what burn out feels like? I hate it.

5) I'm addicted to string cheese. Addicted to it! I have always been meh about it in the past, but a couple of weeks ago I got some for work (at the request of a coworker) and I ate a piece and now it's almost all I want to eat. I am going to get SCURVY.  I don't even know if it is the taste or the fact that it is a pleasantly tactile sort of food, but all I know is that I have to have a bag of it in arms reach at all time or I start feeling withdrawal symptoms.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

 1) Ok, so I'm going to try and catch up on some of those things I said I was going to write about a few weeks ago. Not everything needs a paragraph, but some of them do! I'll be brief-ish.

2) The cancer scare: During my last annual mammogram, the tech noticed some weirdness in my scan. They didn't tell me this while I was there, of course, so I got a letter a few days later saying that I would need to undergo a more thorough screening at one of the women's breast cancer centers locally. Of course, they couldn't get me into see them for two weeks, but they made it clear that it could be ANY NUMBER of things, and not necessarily cancer, buuuuuuutttt....

Yikes.

So I had to wait for a couple of weeks, wondering the whole time if I was about to have the rug yanked out from under me. I tried not to worry, and thankfully I was so busy that I didn't have a lot of time to dwell, but in the wee hours I spent time dwelling. That sucked.  However, I had my appointment with the space-age boob scanner and the doctor said he didn't think it was anything to worry about! 

The only thing that still kind of worries me is that I found a lump in that same breast a couple of years ago, and the weirdness was in the same place, so I don't know if this is indicative of an actual problem, or if I just have one rowdy, unpredictable boob. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

3) The church decided to use a temp agency to fill the position of secretary, but they still haven't found anyone to hire just yet. They actually got "fired" from the first temp agency that they engaged with because they wouldn't immediately take the people who the agency sent over. 

The biggest problem is that the church has morality parameters that they feel they have to fall within to hire a secretary. See, with me, they knew what kind of person they were getting (for the most part), and I didn't do anything that was going to publicly embarrass them. The people the agency was sending had social media videos of them scantily clad, dancing like hoochies with guns, or they were living with their significant others without being married, or they are into witchcraft.  So... it's been a process. I'm still working there twice a week to get the major stuff done, but I think they may be close to finally hiring someone this time. 

4) During December, Steve, Anthony and I went to Chattanooga to have dinner on the Christmas Train! It was a lot of fun and a whole new experience for all of us. The train left from the Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum and drove through the outskirts. We had waiters in white coats serving us dinner, and it was really neat! It drove really slowly, though, and we ended up staying out much later than we had intended, but it was fun.

We went to Gatlinburg the next day, and I was dumb enough not to remember to take a coat with me on this trip, so we had to stop at Wal-Mart so I could get something to wear. I ended up with something that looked like a shiny, quilted garbage bag, but it was warm enough! We ate and walked around downtown, and we even visited the Native American museum outside of town. 

We spent the last day in downtown Chattanooga doing the tour of the distillery and buying chocolate at the Hot Chocolatier. We hung out here and there until afternoon and then came back home. It was a fun weekend. Chattanooga is not my favorite place, for reasons, but it is the place we go, so I'm glad it was fun.

EXTRA:

5) My birthday was fine, thanks for asking. I went to work instead of staying home like I normally do and everyone was very kind. Steve had to work late, and so I made myself dinner, read, watched TV, and then went to bed early. I'm 45 now. Halfway to 90. 

KANSAS

 I've driven through Kansas twice in my life. 

It was all interstate driving, and we weren't there to go anywhere in actual Kansas. We were just using it as a through way to get to someplace else, as one does. It was flat, and monotonous, and I wouldn't have even known that we were actually moving forward except for the fact that we kept passing roadkill. 

Now, with all due respect to anyone who lives in Kansas, I'm sure the entire state is not like that. There are probably vibrant, wonderful, beautiful places there that I don't know anything about because I've never explored the place, but that interstate drive is the only impression of Kansas that I have. Flat, bland, and boring.

Just like those interminable rides down Kansas interstates, that's how life has been here lately.  Flat, bland and boring! 

That reminds me of someone I knew who'd joke "What emo Myspace page did you get that from?" Pffft, as if I couldn't come up with emo stuff on my own! But honestly, I don't mean to sound emo, or even melodramatic! I swear! It's just that I went from the hectic, never-ending stream of activity in December to January/February where I'm still busy, just bored. Does that make sense? 

I work, I eat, I sleep, I go to church, and I work there (still) and then I do it all over again ad nauseam. 

I'm not complaining, exactly. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Like those Kansas drives, it isn't bad. The weather is fine-ish and everything is going straight ahead. So far nothing is dangerous, and we aren't getting attacked by bears. There's just no plans, nothing to look forward to, and the only way I know I'm still moving forward is that I keep passing road kill! But, hey...forward is forward! 

Steve's been gone for three of the 4 weeks of January. His work wives have spent more time with him than me so far this year, so it's been a bit lonely I guess. Nothing I haven't delt with before, though! 

So, all of this to say that I haven't had much to write about lately, but I'm still here. You know, in case you were wondering.

Hopefully I'll have something more fun to write about soon. Fingers crossed!

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY ASS IN CHARLESTON, PART 3/FIN

I accidentally lied to you in that last post.

Well, is it lying if it was just a mistake? Who knows?

Anyways, I did break something in that office. A box fell over and a small candy dish shattered. I cut my hand on it. I can’t imagine how I forgot about that since I bled on my jeans, but it was just part of the experience, I guess.

Anyways.

**ETA - I worked in the morning. I don't usually work on Fridays, but I got caught not working and was given things to work on. It was unanticipated. I don't even remember how long I was at the office. Maybe we left after lunch? 

Friday was “Moving Hotels Day!” We had been staying at a place near the airport, but we ended up moving downtown so that we would be closer to the place where the Christmas party was being held. The party was at The Francis Marion Hotel (a place I’ve stayed before and loved wholeheartedly) but due to the season and the rooms being booked up, the people from our company booked rooms across the park from it at the Embassy Suites, which looks like a castle. I think it used to be the Citadel Military School. It was old and pretty cool!

We left the first hotel, dropped off the rental car early, because you can walk wherever you want downtown, and got into our room. I actually took about half an hour to walk down King St. before I got ready because I was looking for a gift for someone. I was hoping to find a local business, but it was all chain stuff as far as I was able to walk and I never found what I was looking for. Oh well.

I got back to the room and got ready for our party!

I had to be there early to make sure everything was ready to go, so I left Steve in the room, grabbed my folder and supplies, and hoofed across the park to the event venue. 

I suppose I could describe the party in painful detail, but I won’t. I’ll just say it was a great party! The hotel did a wonderful job, the food was fabulous, and everyone seemed to have a really good time! I met a lot of really cool people that I’ve only ever talked to on the phone, and everyone was very impressed with the way things turned out. The VP introduced me to the entire room and complimented me on the party and on the work I did at the office and they applauded. I was touched, but I don’t think I deserved it. I was just doing my job. It made feel like I wanted to go hide in the bathroom, but I didn't. Haha!

When it was all over we got everyone out of the room and down to the bar for after party drinks, and while we were there, that was the exact moment my ass fell off. I remember it because it came out of nowhere. I was, at this point, mentally and physically depleted. I sat off to the side and watched people drinking and talking and having fun, and I’d planned to stay there until everyone was gone. Steve came and sat down next to me and we were talking, and he- comfortably blurred from the drinks he’d had at the party- said something to me that hit me the wrong way. It wasn’t his fault because it wasn’t anything bad, or mean, or even very important. At some normal time, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Maybe it would have deserved a “Dude, we should probably look into that.” or something along those lines, but it broke me. 

I overreacted. I knew I was overreacting at the time, and I tried not to, but I was so tired and worn down, and just mentally spent from the lack of sleep and normal food (by that point I was 33% trail mix) that I couldn’t do anything to stop myself. I’m very good at holding back tears, I promise. Over the past year or so, I’ve gotten even better at it. I don’t even let myself cry in private anymore, but I knew in that moment I wasn’t going to be able to stop and I had to run out of the hotel bar so no one would see. 

BTW, If you ever visit the Francis Marion and find my ass in the bar, please mail it back to me.

I walked back in the rain, trying to get a hold of myself, but I wasn’t able to do so until I got back to the room and got into bed. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself because I knew Steve didn’t deserve my reaction, so I crawled under the covers and fell asleep. Hard. I don’t even know when Steve came back (Late, is all I know, because he went out for more drinks with some party people.) He was annoyed with me, for good reason, but I apologized and he got over it. Such is life.

We had to get up early the next morning to catch our plane home, and so we did. It was fairly routine. When we got home, we slept for hours and hours! As much as I love Charleston, I was very glad to be home. Kind of an anticlimactic ending, but again, such is life.

So that was my great adventure in Charleston! I want to go back under less strenuous circumstances, and maybe when it isn’t so hot. Is it ever not hot there? 

Let’s go and eat at Chubby Fish and visit the museums, and stay in some historic place and just…not work! Wanna go? 

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY ASS IN CHARLESTON, PART 2

I woke up at 4:30. EASTERN. What fresh hell was that?

Have you ever been completely physically exhausted, but your brain wouldn't shut off? That was me on my second day in Charleston. I lay in bed, trying desperately to go back to sleep, but since I couldn't, I just got up and showered. Again. I think I forgot I showered the night before.

Let me just stop here and say that you are never quite as naked as when you are naked in the full glare of florescent lights and in front of a huge mirror. That was what the hotel bathroom was like. The tub was right across from the sink and mirror, and I looked up after moving the shower curtain aside. I looked up and saw this:

*Shudder* It was...concerning. 

 (That was not an invitation to think about me naked. Stop it.)

Anyway, after getting ready it was time to start the day. I decided that I was going to be administrating the hell out of the Charleston office, and all of that started with a trip to Wal-Mart and Sam's for supplies because they do not have an admin assistant in that branch, and stuff that we all take for granted in Huntsville simply isn't dealt with over there. I crammed the rental Malibu as full as I could with snacks and supplies and somehow managed to man handle them all into the building. That sounds easy, but it wasn't because the parking is weird and the office is on the second floor, and I didn't have a cart or anything to assist carrying all of that stuff. It was multiple trips carrying heavy, unwieldy stuff and it sucked, but I managed to get it all up and inside!

I was all alone in this strange office and you'll be happy to know that I didn't snoop or break anything. In fact, I was useful! I cleaned and straightened and replenished all kinds of things. I organized! I made lists! I...got my groove interrupted in the middle of the day to go to Chick-Fil-A to buy lunch for the people at the conference! You know, I like Chick-Fil-A as much as the next person, I guess, but there is absolutely nothing so special about them that I should have to sit in a car line for 45 feckin' minutes to buy food!! It wasn't even that they weren't fast, it's just that there were that many people in line. Unbelievable. 

Anyways, I got them all fed and watered and headed back to the office where I got back into what I was doing. The main thing I had to do that day was organize a storage room filled with all kinds of stuff and computer equipment. I set bout inventorying everything, down to the last lapel pin. I actually had to make myself stop take a lunch break, and had one of the best hamburgers of my whole life from a place called The Tattooed Moose. It was called a Brunch Burger and you should try it immediately. I also met an awesome dog and I bought a t-shirt from a local shop on my break before getting back to it. It was all very confusing and busy, but I finally got things organized. 

At some point through all of that I had to leave and pick up a box of flyers, and the print shop was out in the middle of nowhere, but I found them and hauled my carcass back to the office to keep going.

By the end of the day I was dirty, tired, and my brain was fried. I went back to the hotel (where Steve was by that point) and I changed so that I could go out to an after party thing and dinner with our coworkers. Apparently, I didn't have to go, but unless I wanted to sit alone in the hotel room and eat trail mix for dinner again, that is what I had to do. I also learned that going to these after-party things is political and everyone feels obligated to do them. Not me so much, because all I am is a glorified secretary, but everyone else did. We went to a very loud, very crowded bar and hung out being seen until finally we got away to go have dinner. The marketing director (who is younger than me and I love her to bits) wanted to go to this particular restaurant to eat something she'd seen on Instagram, and because she'd been working her ass off and was more tired than I was, I made sure we made it happen. The restaurant was called Chubby Fish, and it was sublime. I don't use that word lightly. You order everything tapas style and share with everyone at your table, and everything we ordered (that I tasted, anyway) was excellent. The wait staff brings it out, explains it all, and lets you enjoy. I want to go back!

By that point we were all punchy and tired to the point of feeling drunk, so we walked through downtown for a while and then got a ride back to the hotel and went to bed.

BTW, the Charleston staff was thrilled with everything I did. They were so kind and excited to have had help. It made all the hard work worth it!

The next day was much less extreme, but still exhausting. I was on call all day, lived almost solely on that same damn bag of trail mix because I didn’t know our hotel had a restaurant, and had to run errands and buy more supplies. I did manage to sneak a quick nap that afternoon, which was nice. I had to take a break and go to a local mall, because I realized didn’t pack enough clothes! I mean, I had clothes, but because I didn’t realize what I’d be doing on the trip I brought things like leggings and long shirts/sweaters which weren’t appropriate for what I was doing and where I was going. It had been so hot that I needed short sleeved shirts, too. I didn’t expect Charleston to be hot in December!

That night we did a bit more socializing, and then afterwards three of us went out to a quiet dinner to get away from the noise. Again, we were so punchy and exhausted that when our Uber picked us up, we started laughing and couldn’t stop. I’m sure our driver thought we were all high, but really, we were just so tired that we lost all sense of composure. 

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO, AND MY ASS IN CHARLESTON, PART 1

Oof. 

Earlier in the year I volunteered to go to Charleston, SC to help out with a conference. Rookie mistake.

I like the city of Charleston a lot, and to have an excuse to go was exciting! I work closely with my company’s marketing department, and I knew that this conference was going to be a big deal and that the marketing director could probably use my help. Plus, Steve would be going, and he’d be attending the Christmas party we were having for the Charleston branch of our company, and since I’d been planning that party, I figured that it would be nice if I could attend, too. I figured I’d go to this awesome city on the company dime, do a bit of work, schlub around the place like a tourist the rest of the time, and then go to a party. It sounded like the perfect plan!

Things didn’t go like that. They didn’t go like that at all!

My first indication that this trip wouldn't be what I expected came via email from the Sr. VP of our company giving me a list of all the things I needed to do for our remote office in Charleston. So, I wouldn't be attending the conference like I thought, but I'd be running support for the people wo were there, as well as doing office admin work for the office in that town. Unexpected, but fine with me! I just had to trim my sails a bit.

I left on a Tuesday (Steve had a concert that night and couldn’t leave until the next day) so I was on my own. I caught an early morning flight from Huntsville, made it to Atlanta (I still hate the Atlanta airport, but my connection was fairly simple) and the only snag up to that point was that I had to ask a person to get out of my seat (the seat I chose and therefor one I wanted) on the second leg. For someone who has only flown alone once before - with disastrous results - I managed to do pretty good this time. I even remembered to buy snacks from the airport to have for emergencies later on!

Snag number two happened when got to The Charleston airport. When I went to pick up my rental car, I discovered that I hadn’t rented my car from the airport Enterprise like I thought, but one that was downtown. Damnit, damnit, damnit. However, not to be discouraged, and I wa determined not to be discouraged, I caught an Uber to the rental place and then drove back across the city to the hotel. Thank God for GPS.

I was exhausted by this point, but I hadn’t even gotten started on my day. The marketing director called me before I had even picked up my car to tell me I needed to be at the office to get ready for the first event, an after party for the first day of the conference, like…immediately. I told her I had to check in to the hotel, change out of my leggings and into grown up people clothes and I’d get there as fast as I could. I practically had to pull off my clothes in the elevator up to my room, dress again as fast as possible once I got inside and run out of the room and drive across town (again) so I could get there. It was across the street from the event venue, so that was convenient, at least! I was given a key, shown around a bit, and then sent across the street to the restaurant where the party was being held to act as a greeter and drink ticket passer-outer.

It wasn't a hard job, obviously, but it was a bit confusing. I'd been stationed at the hostess stand of a restaurant - a restaurant that wasn't closed to the public - and so I was not only greeting people who came to our party, but I ended up handing out menus to regular customers and directing them to tables. I wasn't asked to do this by the venue, and to be fair, I might have been doing it all wrong, but no one came out to stop me! Should I ask for a W2?

The event was eventful! I was charming, and I smiled and passed out tickets and got harassed by a creepy old dude, and had a young dude run his hand down my back down to my hip without an invitation to do so. A man went into cardiac arrest at the bar and the bartender had to do CPR to bring him back and emergency services were called (our party never even paused at this, believe it or not) but it was a bar patron and not one of our guests, so I guess that we weren't supposed to be worried! I don't even know how long I was there, I just know it was a long, loud night and someone almost died! 

Thankfully I was able to get back to the hotel before an obscenely late hour, eat some airport trail mix, and take a shower. It was weird sleeping alone in a hotel, but I didn't have much time to contemplate that because I was asleep before I could think of much of anything.