Wednesday, December 28, 2011


OK, just so you know, I didn't actually get so depressed after thinking about the "It's a Wonderful Life" scenario that I ate 32 Rolo turtles.  I ate that many because they are delicious.  :)  Seriously, they are awesome, and if I don't get rid of them soon, I'm going to get diabetes or something.  I can't stop eating them.

Actually, I was only depressed for a second or two and then I started thinking about a problem I have with that dumb movie.  Indulge me for a moment...

OK, so George gets upset because of the money troubles he's having with the building and loan company he runs and decides to commit suicide.

-First off...what a dick move, George.  Seriously.  You've got kids and a family, you selfish bastard!  I understand the depression and hopelessness of your current situation, but killing yourself isn't the best course of action, here.  They wouldn't even get your life insurance (if you had any) because they don't pay out in cases of suicide! If you'd shown signs of depression or suicidal behavior before now, or if you'd had some kind of mental or emotional problems in the past, I think I'd probably understand, but geez man.  A sudden attack of things-are-looking-kinda-bad is no reason to kill yourself!

Then Clarence comes along to show him how horrible things would have been if he'd never existed.

-I have no trouble with this part. As freakishly messed up as Bedford Falls (i.e. Potterville) became without his influence, maybe people like that exist. The hubs on which certain wheels of the world turn.  I dunno.  I'm just going to go with it.

When George sees how his existence has made the world a better place, he forgoes suicide, runs home to hug everyone, bells ring and angels get their wings.  The end.  It's freaking heartwarming.

OK, my problem with the movie is this:  George did exist.  George had always existed. George would not negate his existence simply by killing himself.  Granted, I know that the whole purpose of the story is that George realizes that he's done really great things and that his life is really wonderful, but if he had actually managed to throw himself off of the bridge before Clarence could show him everything, the world wouldn't have automatically reverted to that bleak existence that had never included him.  Sure, his family and most of the town would have been devastated that he'd killed himself, but Bedford Falls wouldn't blink out of existence and be replaced by Potterville the second after he died.  He'd leave a trail of heartache, emotional suffering, and possible daddy issues behind him, but all of the things he had done in the past would have still been done.  Lots of people who've done really great things die without the effects of what they'd done in the past wearing off.  To show George what life would have been like if he'd never existed doesn't make as much sense to me as it does to show George what life might be like if he killed himself.

Something tells me that if you show a man who truly loves his family what would happen if he (selfishly) killed himself, that man would not do it. 

OK, look, I realize I've over analyzed this.  However, I can't help but think that the whole reason Clarence hadn't gotten his wings by then is because he didn't quite get the point of cause and effect.  The effect of showing George what life would have been like without his existence was a fluke.  Wings is wings, though, so I'm sure he didn't go back to the Almighty and say " bad.  No, don't give them to me yet.  I need to get this right."

Oh, and also, what the hell kind of name is Zuzu?

That is all.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Over the Christmas holiday, I noticed that a lot of television shows have an episode that rips off "It's a Wonderful life."  You know what I'm talking about, right?  The main character gets depressed and thinks his/her life is meaningless, and then is taken around by some benevolent spirit that shows them how awful everything would be if they had never existed. Blah, blah, and blah.

Anyways, I started thinking that it would be interesting if I got the chance to see how things would have turned out if I'd never existed.  Not because I want to do away with myself or anything, but just out of curiosity, you know?

Of course, then I realized, what if I got to do it only to find out that everyone's life turned out for the better?  How would I deal with that? 

Then I got depressed and ate 32 Rolo Turtles.

Thanks a lot, Jimmy Stewart.

Other than that, Christmas was awesome! 

More later...

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

As a child, when thinking about what would happen to me in the future, I never thought I'd ever want to become a groupie for a Jewish boy band.

Then this happened. Life is weird.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Today was the day we had our annual Christmas cantata!  The choir has been practicing for months, and they sounded amazing!  I'd love to give them all the credit, but I can't.  Most of it goes to me, since I was the one running the sound.  :)  Hehe!  Just kidding.  I basically just made sure the music came on, and the choir did the rest.  I wish you could have been there to hear them!  They almost blew away the first four rows of pews!  Awesome!

We did have one small incident, though.

A weird thing about our church is that the choir loft seems to defy the laws of thermodynamics.  It can be freezing cold in the whole sanctuary, people literally bundled up in the fleece loaner blankets we have on hand for the little old ladies, but up where the choir is seated people are fanning and sweating.  I'm sure it has something to do with the placement of the can lights above the stage, but whatever it is makes it very difficult to keep the temperature at a level that won't cause the choir members to pass out while simultaneously throwing the rest of us into hypothermia.  Of course, when they have special musical events, we tend to keep the temperature at the coldest it can be to accommodate the choir.  It's hard to stand and sing for 45 minutes wearing a heavy robe anyway, and the last thing we want to do is have any of our choir members pass out (it's happened before.) 

This morning the temperature was set to 69 degrees, the house lights were turned down to keep the room from getting too hot, and we had the air conditioning fans running hard on both sides of the sanctuary.

We also have the entire sanctuary decorated for Christmas, having done the hanging of the green a couple of weeks ago. We have swags of garland and wreaths and in each window we have an arrangement of artificial greenery, ribbons, and hurricane lamps with tall, red taper candles in them.  It's all very beautiful, and our minister of music wants to make sure that we light all of the candles at every service until the end of the Christmas season. So the candles were lit and everything looked very nice.

(I promise that is all important, albeit in a round about way, so bear with me.)

The cantata went off without a hitch, and I guess the preacher got all excited, because after the singing was done he got up and started preaching a very short sermon.  Well....short-ish.  We're Southern Baptist, after all.  :)   During all of this, I was sitting in the back of the room in the sound "booth" and the associate pastor was standing back there with me.  He'd had to do something earlier during the service and had decided to just hang out in the back so that he wouldn't disturb anyone during the cantata.  I'm so very, very glad he did. 

As the preacher was doing his thing, I was waiting on my cue to turn the projector on so that we could sing the last song.  I hate to admit I wasn't really listening to him, but I was trying to think of what I had to do next.  After about five minutes I noticed a weird smell.  It was bitter and familiar, but I couldn't place it right away.  My first thought was that we'd finally pushed the heating/cooling system to the point of no return, but something made me look over to my left, and I saw fire.  One of the window arrangements was on fire!  Apparently it had been in the perfect place for a draft from the air conditioner to blow the flame of the candle sideways, which caused the candle to melt super-fast, which in turn caused the flame to reach the plastic greenery before the service was over and caused everything inside of the hurricane chimney to burn.

I realize that the whole thing was over in only a matter of seconds, but from the time I looked over and saw the fire, everything sort of went in slow motion.  My first thought was "Yep. Fire."  Then my second thought was "HOLY SH*T! FIRE!!!!!!!"  My third thought was "Why is no one doing anything about the fire? No, really...can they not see that? The fire? Burning where a fire ought not burn?"  Literally, there were dozens of people sitting next to the fire, and no one was moving.  I was in no position to do anything myself, because I was in the booth which is enclosed on 3 sides, and on my 4th side I was hemmed in by a video camera that we'd set up to record the cantata.  I didn't know what to do, so I looked over in panic at the associate pastor and mouthed (so as not to disturb the congregation or preacher) "FIRE!"  I don't think he understood what I was saying, because he just looked confused.  So I pointed (in what I thought was a subtle way, but was told afterwards that I was basically flailing my arms) and panic whispered "THAT. THING. IS. ON. FI-YER!"  What I lacked in volume I apparently made up with panic in my eyes.  He walked over, grabbed the arrangement, and cool as a cucumber escorted it outside and put it out.  Seriously, the man was carrying a tray of fire and he didn't turn a hair.

Me?  I was a giggling mess.  I guess that's what panic does to me... it makes me giggle-snort.  Oy vey.  The smell of burning plastic and florist's foam was strong, but the damage was surprisingly minimal.  The only thing that suffered was the hurricane chimney, the candle and the burnt arrangement, of course.  I'm glad that it didn't become engulfed completely, because the glass could have shattered and hurt several people, not to mention spreading to the wooden window sill and the carpet underneath it.  Whew. 

I still don't understand why no one sitting over there moved.  I mean, I suppose that they didn't want to disturb the sermon,  It was burning. Flames. The flowers were on fire! Inside the church something was on fire. No one batted an eye.  THAT'S NOT NORMAL!!!!!!    I don't think our pastor would have minded a bit of shuffling about if it meant that the fire was put out.  Oh, well...all's well that ends well, I guess.  Thank goodness.

Oh, and as an added bonus, I got stuck under the sound booth desk before services started.  It was my own stupid fault, though.  I had to make an important phone call, but I couldn't leave the sanctuary because I had to babysit some A/V equipment (we worship in the ghetto...what can I say) that didn't belong to the church.  I was alone in the sanctuary, but I didn't want to make the call where my voice would echo around the room in case anyone came in, so I crawled under the desk and made my call.  I somehow got tangled up and couldn't get out.  I spent a full five minutes struggling before I  managed to crawl out, but not before people came in and saw me under there. 

SIGH.  It's been an interesting day.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Last night, Steve and I attended a Christmas party at the home of a man who is important in his company.  Honestly, I wish I could tell you exactly what the man does, but I'm not sure because I got confused while Steve was trying to explain.  All I know is that he's an important guy.

(By the way: don't worry, I'm not here to ruin Steve's career by telling weird tales about strange things that went on at the party, I promise!  One internet ruined career in the family is enough.)

Anyway, the party was lovely, and the host and his family were so nice and welcoming, and the house...OMG the house.  It was probably the most beautiful family home I've ever been in.  I mean that literally.  It was a big, gorgeous farm-house and I completely fell in love with it.  It looked like something Martha Stewart would live in.  They also had these sweet dogs, one giant (and I mean huge) black lab, a springer spaniel, and two little fox terriers (?) who ran around looking for dropped food.

Anyone who guesses that I spent most of my time there with the dogs wins a cookie.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

I am just not good at cocktail party mingling, I guess.  I never really learned how to do that sort of drive-by, party chatting thing.  I wish I did, because when I'm put in that position, I always feel like I'm doing it wrong.  I don't remember ever being this shy when I was younger, but now when I'm at a gathering, unless I know the people around me, I feel like a bear in a tutu, riding around on a unicycle.  I don't know if that makes sense, but that is about as apt as I can be.  I feel clumsy and goofy, and like I'm saying and doing the wrong thing the whole time. I honestly tried not to do or say anything weird.  It was harder than it sounds, though, because when I don't know what to say, I generally start talking about the first things that pop into my head and that is usually something abnormal.  I can't help it!  That's just where my mind goes when I'm nervous.  I think I managed to blend in with everyone pretty well, except for one awkward second when I hugged one of the catering staff in a moment of not-knowing-what-else-to-do-edness.  I'm sure he felt violated, but hopefully he just thought I was drunk or something.  I wasn't...but still. 

I know that some of you are probably thinking that I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think of me.  If so...congratulations for having high self esteem and for not knowing what it feels like to constantly second-guess everything you do.  I don't know why I feel this way!  I hate it!  I'd like to think I'm generally charming and easy to talk to...but it's like my brain switches off during these situations and after everything is over, I have no idea what I've said to whom.  I'm going to have to start wearing a spy cam or something to record what I do so that I can at least know whether or not I should go into hiding for a while.

Anyways, I know I'm not the only person to feel this way, but I really wish I didn't worry so much.  At least I know for a fact that I didn't destroy anything or set anything on fire...and that is probably the best I can expect in a situation like that!  :)

Saturday, December 03, 2011


1) I hate my cell phone.  I hate it so hard.  If it weren't for the abject fear of something bad happening to someone I love and me not being reachable to be told, only to find out about it on the news or something later on, I'd burn it and dance around the flames like a pagan.  Blerg.  Sorry, that was a bit dramatic, wasn't it!  :)  Actually, I just don't like cell phones in general.  Past the point of being a good emergency tool or whatever, I just think they're intrusive.  I also think that they have caused the public at large to forget basic manners.  Honestly, has anyone noticed how it is now completely acceptable to ignore people around you while people watch movies, or play video games, while sitting in a restaurant? What about having loud conversations (not important ones) while walking around a store?  I'm not even counting myself out of this, because I've done it too. have to keep the stupid things charged all of the time!  GAH!  I think that's what has brought on my hatred of my cell phone, in truth.  I don't use my phone that often anymore, and because I'm not constantly looking at it, sometimes the battery just dies without me noticing.  That's usually when someone calls or sends me a text message and when I don't see it for a couple of days it just looks like I'm ignoring them when I'm not! 

Yes, this rant was brought on by the fact that one of my aunts (who doesn't normally call me) called me and left a message to call her back and I had no idea until I charged my phone.  Even the voice mail didn't tell me when she called, so she probably thinks I'm avoiding her.  Now I'm sitting here, waiting for a decent time to call her back.

(All the other ranty stuff I said above is still true, but today my ire is because of the battery thing.  I just figured if I'm going to rant about my phone, I'd just get in all of the salient points.)

2)  We had a lovely Thanksmas, thanks for asking!  There was lots of cooking, which I enjoy immensely, presents and great food at Greg & Kristin's place, and Jon and Amy took us on an adventure to the Mall of Georgia and to a place called H-Mart in Duluth (YOU CAN'T HANDLE DULUTH!).  H-Mart is a giant, Asian grocery store with all manner of interesting things I'd never seen before!  My only issue with the place stemmed from their meat section.  Along with the things I'm used to were things I didn't know people would, or could, eat.  It was like a menu from the Leatherface Cafe or something!  I don't mean to sound culturally insensitive...but why would anyone want to eat a pig uterus?  Steve and I had fun picking out lots of strange (to us, anyways) snacks and things to take home with us. We watched the Iron Bowl too, and I cheered for Alabama on behalf of my dad.  I think I've realized it just makes me sad to watch Bama play, though.  It just reminds me of Papa and how much he enjoyed it. I miss him a lot.

Also, and hold on to your shorts people...I held a baby that didn't scream or vomit on me!  WOOOT!  You have no idea how rare that is.  Jack is a sweet baby. :)  Also, he probably just thought I was his mom because I look so much like her.  I say that with apologies to Kristin, of course...I hope she isn't offended.

3) I am an idiot.

OK, you don't have to agree so heartily, you know.  :(

Heh, actually, I actually did a very stupid thing yesterday that makes me feel like an idiot.  I was in Target looking for a watch battery.  My watch has the battery number on the back of it, but the number didn't match any of the numbers on the packaging.  Brilliant me decided to pull out my Swiss Army knife and pry the back of the watch off so that I could look at the battery itself.  I thought it would be fairly easy to do, but the knife blade skipped and sliced partially through the pad of my thumb on my left hand.  I honestly had no idea that the knife was sharp enough to actually cut anything!  For some reason I kept trying to pry the back of my watch off for another few seconds (probably because I was really invested by this point) but my hand started to bleed too much, so I had to rummage around in my purse for a wet-nap.  I managed not to bleed on anything, but we had to go to the pharmacy and buy band-aids and Neosporin. 

I never managed to figure out what kind of battery I needed, so to add insult to injury, my watch is still running slow.

4) We had a "Hanging of the Greens" thing at our church today!  It was the first time we've ever done anything like that before and it was very nice!  We had a lot of good music and now the sanctuary looks very festive.  I had no idea what to expect from a "Hanging of the Greens" but quite literally, we hung up garland and wreaths, and lit the Christmon it was aptly named!

Now I'm super tired, though. We didn't get a chance to come home in between services today because we were working to get the Christmon tree assembled and decorated.  We also had to figure out how to make some of the christmons last another year until I can go back and remake them.  Some of the large symbols are completely falling apart, and we had to wire them together so that they'd stay on the tree.  The big ornaments were made by my late, great mother-in-law, so they are very special to people in the church and they hate to replace them, but if they want to keep having a Christmon tree, they will have to be remade.  I'm lucky they want me to do it.  Keeping it in the family, I suppose.  I'm hoping to update them a little bit and make them more sturdy, but I have to get the book so that I know what each symbol entails.  I'll have all of next year to work on them, so hopefully I can make them look nice!  :)

Friday, December 02, 2011

A Quicky

I've got things to talk about...oh yes.  But believe it or not, I'm busy.  Freelancing, plus Christmas time stuff, makes Kelly a dull blogger.  However, I had to share this bit of frustrating minutia:

I was flossing, as I have obsessively done since the root canal 3 years ago, and the dental floss caught in between two of my molars and broke.  Not only did it break, a wad of it got wedged in between those teeth and refused to move.  I grabbed another strand of floss, thinking I'd just floss out the first bit of floss, but the wedged floss was in there so tight that I couldn't get the new floss in between my teeth to get it out.  The new strand snapped in half when I tried!

I was then in the strange position of getting dental floss stuck in between my teeth, while flossing my teeth, and being unable to floss the floss out from between my teeth with more floss.  (Yo, Dawg...)

Huh.  However, the story has a happy ending!

Luckily, I have a permanent wire appliance glued to the back of my top teeth to correct the hillbilly gap I was born with, and I remembered I had a handful of those blue, plastic floss threaders that look like flat embroidery needles.  I was able to go in from above the stuck floss and get it out.

Dental hygiene shouldn't be this complicated.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011



Guess who's picture you'll see if you do a Google Image Search for "Sexy Girl in FFA Uniform*?"

Granted, I realize that me popping up on that search has more to do with the "Girl In FFA Uniform" part than the "Sexy" part, but still...that is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

I was prompted to look it up when I got that phrase as a referrer on my web tracker and had to check it out.

Everything else aside, the fact that someone, somewhere typed that into a search engine because they wanted to find sexy girls in FFA uniforms is a little disturbing, isn't it?  I'd imagine that is one very specific, very niche kink for someone to have.

I mean, the corduroy alone...

So to whomever typed that in and found my picture...I'm sorry that you only found me. 

Now go get therapy.  Immediately.

*I may be off the page now, but I was there earlier today. 

Monday, November 14, 2011


1)  SIGH.  Do you remember a couple of months ago I told you about having a traumatic experience that involved my dog Butler, his kennel, and some severe gastric distress?  Well, it happened again, only with the other dog.  *SHUDDER*  Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a blow by blow of the situation, mainly because I don't like talking about poo.  However, this time Steve was out of town and I had to deal with it all alone, and believe it or not, I think I handled the situation better this time.  Of course, I already had some experience with this, so how could I not handle it better?  It was still gross and traumatizing, but at least I didn't cry or get rained on this time.

Unfortunately, Bear was really sick, and it wasn't just an adverse reaction to eating too many of the wrong treats.  He was so sick that after wrestling him into and out of the shower (gah...) I had to take him to the vet.  Bless him, he hates going to the vet, and he cowered against the wall most of the time we were there.  We also ended up seeing the vet that usually drives me insane with rage, but since I was worried about the dog, I was able to resist beating her about the head and face with my shoes.  The poor doggy had to have an IV and be poked and prodded in every orifice.  He kept looking at me with his pitiful little face as if I was doing all if this just to be mean, and if you've ever seen a border collie look sad, you know that it broke my heart.   Before the vet came back with any sort of decision on what to do, I kept having this awful worry that Bear could be really sick, as in, maybe he'd have to go live on a "farm" kind of sick, and I'd have to make that decision by myself since Steve was in D.C. and I didn't know if I could handle that.  I was almost in tears.  Luckily, though, the vet came back and said that while it looked bad it probably wasn't anything serious, or at least they couldn't detect anything very serious at the time.  They had to give me special food and pills, and probably the most complicated set of instructions for feeding a dog I've ever heard.  They also told me I'd have to keep watch on him to make sure he wasn't getting depressed or more lethargic (and quite frankly, if he got any more lethargic he'd be dead) because that meant we'd have to bring him back and do x-rays and blood work and all manner of terrible things to him.   Happily, he seems to be doing better, so I guess whatever it was has passed or is in the process of passing.  I'm very glad. 

2) I almost broke my arm in the single lamest way possible last week. Before Steve left on his trip, he asked me to wash and dry a new button up shirt to get rid of the creases (and as an aside...why are mens shirts so complicated? Geez.)  Anyway, I don't normally just wash or dry one thing, but since the shirt was new, I didn't want to run the risk of it getting linty or snagged on anything else, so it was the only thing in the dryer when I went to check on it.

Now, something is wrong with our dryer, in the sense that when you open the door, the tumbling doesn't stop like it is supposed to.  It just keeps going.  I keep forgetting about that problem since I don't normally open the door as it's running.  This time I opened the door, saw the shirt, and decided to grab for it.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking, because had I been thinking clearly, I obviously would have turned the dryer off first. When I stuck my arm in, one of the paddles that help tumble the clothes caught my arm just above the elbow and slammed it into the top of the top of the machine.

You know that moment after you hurt yourself, when the pain hasn't quite gotten there yet and you're basically just standing there clutching the part of you that has been injured?  That's when I stood there in a blind panic, hoping to all that was good and holy that I hadn't broken my humerus or dislocated my elbow while drying a damn shirt.  I'm not sure what hurt worse, my arm, or the idea that I'd have to tell a doctor that I hurt myself because I was too stupid to turn off a piece of machinery before sticking my arm into it.  Of course, then the pain hit and all of that flew out of my head.  I'm glad to tell you that my arm, while bruised and lumpy, did not get broken.  It hurts, of course, but I'm taking that as a reminder from God that I should show more intelligence when operating household machines.

Also, and this is just between you and me, I decided if I did have to go to the hospital about my arm, I was going to lie and say I'd broken it while saving a baby from a rabid mountain goat...or something equally heroic.

3) Steve and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary last Friday!  Yeah, I know...I'm just as shocked as you are.

Anyway, we had a very nice day!  We didn't do anything fancy, and we skipped The Melting Pot this year, but we drove over to Mentone and spent the day rambling through leaves and antique shops.  I've been to Mentone twice before while I as in high school: both times during band camp.  I'd never seen any of the town at all, so this was way more fun than band camp.  Of course, getting my arm caught in the dryer was more fun than band camp...but I digress.  The place is gorgeous this time of year with all the leaves and everything.  None of the pictures I took could do it justice, and I also forgot to take a foot picture, which makes me sad. :(  Steve and I ate at a restaurant called Moonlight Bistro, which was inside an old log cabiny place.  Steve said it used to be a different kind of restaurant, more country cooking than bistro chic, but it was a nice place.  The food was I recommend it!  We also looked through the souvenir shops and a giant antique store (which was housed in an old hotel built in 1910, I think.)  It was awesome and crammed full of all kinds of stuff.  I was in a constant state of fear that I'd break everything, but it was still fun.  I'll be going back to peruse the giant collection of depression glass, I think. 

Since we couldn't find anything made of steel to buy out there (apparently, the gift for year 11 is steel. Weird.) we drove back into Huntsville and got a stainless steel mulling infuser from Williams Sanoma.  I know that sounds random, but the we didn't need utensils or pots, and this seemed to make as much sense as anything else.  I guess this means we will do some mulling of cider or wine this year.  Just got to figure out what that means!  :)

4) Saturday was the Fayetteville, TN Host of Christmas Past event!  Madison Community Band was performing again this year, so I was there to listen to Steve play!  The band sounded great, as usual, and I managed to record one of their songs.  It was my favorite of their whole set, called "Bugler's Holiday."  The sound isn't so great, because I recorded it with my camera, plus there was a giant generator clacking along behind me and that screwed up the sound as well.

They sounded amazing in person, though.  The guys who play the main trumpet part are so good!  I wish you could've heard how it really sounded.  You could hear all of the yellow.

Steve also played in the brass quintet later that night.  There is some kind of reverse caroling thing that goes on in the historic district where music groups play on the porches of some of the homes and people walk around to listen to them.  They also sounded great.  The video doesn't make much sense because there was a camera-man from a local TV station standing in the way, but I only filmed it for the sound anyway.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011


Yes, my life can be lived in vignettes!  My days have a few notable bits bracketed by long patches of nothing interesting.

1) I have yet to go to the gym this week and I'm feeling both mad at myself because I know I should go and defiant because I shouldn't have to go if I don't wanna!  Harumph!  Monday I didn't go because I was lazy, which is pathetic, but today I didn't go because I think I've borked my knee and I wasn't sure if it would be smart.  I had a tiny bit of knee pain over the weekend, but didn't think much about it because I'm getting old and things just hurt sometimes.  Plus, my knee seemed fine after being off my feet for a while.  Then yesterday I went to the pet store to buy dog food, and knelt down to see the turtles in the bottom layer of tanks and I actually screamed when my knee hit the floor.  Well, screamed the way I do...which sounds like someone stepping on a squeaky toy.  I didn't know if I'd be able to get back up!  It's a bad feeling to be kneeling on the floor of a pet store and wonder if you are going to have to call for assistance to stand back up again.  Seriously, I'm this close to having to wear one of those Life Alert necklace buttons!  I did manage to get up and back home.  The thing is that my knee isn't hurting badly, it just feels like something is stuffed inside my knee.  Like it's swollen inside.  I can't explain it the way it feels, but I know it feels like I have too much knee on one side and it twinges when I bend it too far.  Anyway, I explain all of that to say that I'm not sure if my knee actually has some kind of problem, or if I'm just using that as an excuse to be lazy.  It just seems like it should hurt more if I'm going to use it as an excuse.  Hmmmmm.

2) I bought something neato the other day!  I realize that a lot of people will think it's a dumb thing to own, and I know that my sad little kitchen is already bursting at the seams with my many beloved gadgets, but I was so excited to find one because I've been looking for one like this for over two years!  I got a cotton candy machine!  I know, I know...don't judge me.  I love cotton candy and have wanted a machine for ages, and I know you can find cheap ones everywhere, but I didn't just want a regular one.  The one I wanted was special!  Instead of getting one that only uses the granulated sugar that you pour into the middle, the one I got can utilize both sugar or hard candies and then spins it into cotton candy!  Even though I like the regular sugar kind, making cotton candy out of hard candies is better because the resulting candy floss actually tastes like whatever hard candy you put into it!  See, neato!  I actually found one of these online a couple of years ago, which is where I got interested in buying one, but it was from Japan and cost a lot.  Like, a whole lot.  More than I could justify spending on something I wouldn't use everyday.  I just figured I'd never be able to buy one and left it at that.  However, we did find one in the "Beyond" section of Bed, Bath & Beyond, and it wasn't expensive at all and so I grabbed it and ran.  Well, I paid for it first, but...still.

I've had so much fun making cotton candy out of all the weird hard candy we've accumulated.  You can only put in two pieces in at a time, but even those two pieces makes a ton of cotton candy.   I had no idea it took so little. The only problem is that I'm not very good at making it yet.  Well, actually, the machine actually makes the candy, but it takes a practiced hand to twist it around the cones without ruining it.  You have to keep it away from the heat source so it doesn't melt, and you have to be able to spin it to keep it soft instead of turning into crunchy strings.  Also, you have to pay attention to what you're doing, and I'm not so good at that.  I looked away at the wrong time once, and the machine shot cotton candy floss all over the kitchen and all over me.  It was like an incontinent spider sneezed and sprayed the whole room with web strings.  Everything was sticky.  Eventually I'll figure it out. If you want, come on over with a bag of hard candy and we can make a mess together!  :)

3) Speaking of candy...Halloween was on Monday!  I actually forgot to buy any candy for trick-or-treaters, although how I could have forgotten I have no idea. Target practically buries you in it the second you walk into the door.  I just kept thinking I'd get some later, and then the day of snuck up on me, I guess.  I had other things to do than make a Target run, but I figured we already had something to give out if any kids came by.  Sometimes we get a few kids and sometimes we don't, but I thought for sure we'd have some this year since kids actually live in our neighborhood. 

I started to ransack our snack stash (oooh, say that five times fast) and realized that we didn't really have things that kids would like.  Don't get me wrong, we have sweets.  Lots of sweets.  But it isn't normal stuff that you can get anywhere.  I don't tend to buy a lot of candy for myself unless it's an unusual flavor or something that I've never had before.  For example, we have candy from the different nations of Epcot from when we went earlier this year.  Most of it is in different languages, or isn't individually wrapped, or has something like caffeine and hot chili powder in it.  I wouldn't mind giving that out, but I have the feeling that a lot of parents wouldn't let their kids eat something that they couldn't identify.   We have artisan candy with tea, coffee and ginger in it, which I don't imagine kids would like very much, and we have a lot of booze flavored lollypops I got in a bulk bag with some other stuff, and they just don't seem appropriate for kids.  I mean, unless you let your kids have white Russians and bourbon...I don't know your life.

I did find two candy bars, one being a Godiva bar that was white chocolate and therefore an abomination and could be parted with, but this ended up being my original stash of Halloween treats:

Mostly tricks, I think.

Luckily, I realized I had an entire, unopened box of Hershey bars that came with a s'mores kit, and I decided to hand those out instead of vegan protein bars and old Christmas candy!  Of course, after all that, no kids came to our door, so it wasn't even an issue after all. In the end, Steve ate the Godiva bar and no kids went away with weird treats.  It was a win-win for everyone.  :)

4) You know, I've been noticing something lately that really bothers me.  I know it shouldn't bother me, because I don't think there is any malice behind it or anything, but I'm beginning to suspect that I know a lot of people who think I'm stupid.  No one has out right called me stupid, but I have found myself in the position where people seem to feel as if they need to explain simple things to me.  It's a bit insulting, actually, because I'm not stupid!  Is it because I don't have an advanced degree?  I mean, I know a lot of people my age have or are working towards Master's degrees or PhD's but is that a prerequisite to not being treated like an idiot?  I know I come across as being silly a lot of the time, but I have no idea what I'm doing to make people think I don't understand simple concepts.  Honestly, if I don't understand something, I'll ask.  If I don't ask, then I either probably know what is being talked about, or it means I'm going to Google it as soon as I get home!  Oy.

5) Oh, I almost embarrassed myself so very, very badly yesterday.  While I was out running errands, I went into a store to ask about a particular item. (I won't be more specific, since this is about a Christmas present, so pardon the vagueness.)  Anyway, the particular brand of thing I was looking for has an unusual name that, for some reason, my brain gets confused with the name of a particularly gross sexually transmitted disease.  I don't know if this makes much sense, but the words look so much alike that even though I know they are completely different, when I think of the brand, my brain always translates the brand name into the name of the STD.  I always, always have to remind myself to pronounce it right before I say it out loud.  When I went into the store, I came within an ace of asking the salesman if he had an STD rather than asking for the brand of thing I was looking for.  Even though I didn't say it out loud, I was so embarrassed I practically had to run out of the building.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


If this entry doesn't publish this time, obviously there is information included that the universe doesn't want you to read.  

1) I just got back from the gym and everything on my body is angry with me.  You'd think that it would be grateful that I'm trying to take care of it, but nooooooooo.  All it wants to do is sit in the puffy recliner and eat Krispy Kreme donuts and watch British sitcoms from the late 90s.  Why must my body fight me at every turn?  Also, it keeps complaining that it's getting old and it wants me to leave it alone.  Getting old sucks.

2)  Our sort-of cat (meaning that it is only sort of our cat, not that it isn't quite a cat. As far as I know it's 100% cat...but only DNA testing can tell for sure) Rorschach has decided that he loves me.  I think.  Whenever he sees me, he does the kitty-biscuit thing, which is very sweet, but he also has a darker side.  I suppose you could tell from the haiku posted a few days ago that he has started bringing me offerings of dead and mangled creatures.  Sometimes the critters are simply dead, and sometimes the critters are dissected and strewn about, but they are always on my porch.  Ugh.

Anyway, I wish you could have seen the cat's face the other day.  We heard the cat making really weird sounds, so I opened the door to see if he was OK, and of course, there was a dead mouse-thing on the porch.  It was in the "sacrificial corner" so I assumed it was a gift for us.  Blarg.  So I called Steve to come and sweep it off, because I'm a big sissy and I couldn't do it myself.  So he swept the thing off of the porch and the cat looked absolutely confused.  Seriously, the cat looked puzzled.  He'd look at me, the corner where the mouse was, the edge of the porch, and then back to me.  His face said "Hey! What...hey!  That was a gift, lady! That was a gift for the whole family!"  We just laughed and closed the door.  Later, when we had to go out again, the mouse was back.  I guess he thought maybe it had been a mistake.  Gross.  We just told him what a good kitty he was and thank you for the dead mousie.  Cats are weird.

3) Steve and I just refinanced our mortgage, and while financially it was smart...I absolutely hate paperwork.  Granted, it was only signing paperwork, but that is a terribly mind-numbing way to pass time, isn't it?  The notary came by with a huge stack of papers, and Steve and I waded in with our blue pens.  Of course, we managed to forget to initial one page in that stack, and the notary asked if we could meet her in the parking lot of the ghetto Wal-Mart to finish them up.  She didn't call it the ghetto Wal-Mart, of course, but that was the one she meant.  We met her in the corner of that lot like we were doing some kind of drug deal.  "Yeah, man, I got some interest rates you won't believe!  Just sign here.  Ooooh, cops!  Look natural...look natural..."  *whistles and looks away* 

4) When Steve went out of town last week, I wound up playing about 45 hours of Portal 2.  I'm not bragging about that, and honestly I'm a bit ashamed that I got so wound up the game, and the only reason I know how long I actually played is because there is a parental thing on the program that keeps track.  Geez, parents are sneaky! :)  Other than being ashamed I spent so much time playing a game, I had fun!  Portal 2 is longer and more complicated, and there is a robotic eye that follows you around and talks to you that sounds like Simon it was enjoyable!  A problem I have with playing that game is that it gets in my head and I think about it at odd times.  I'll be somewhere with white walls and I'll get an urge to fire a portal at it. Or I'll be in a room and I'll sit there and think about how I could escape if I needed to.  I even caught myself at church thinking "You know, I don't understand how the neurotoxin could flood that last room, because I KNOW I disabled the neurotoxin tubes, like...way earlier in the game!"  It's not a normal way to live.  Oh, well, I did manage to finish the game, with the help from hints and cheats when things got too difficult for me, so at least I can think normal-people thoughts for a while.  :)

5)  I went to the eye doctor at the very beginning of this year and got a new prescription for contact lenses.  I didn't want to fill the script right away, because I still had several pairs of my old contacts to go through and didn't want them to go to waste, so I didn't actually get around to getting the new ones until the end of September. When I put the new ones in, I felt that something was wrong with the right one, but I thought that maybe because it was a new prescription, I just needed to wear them a while and  get used to them.  So that's what I did, and sometimes I'd be OK, but generally, the right lens is just blurry.  Not so blurry that I can't function, but when I drive or need to read something far off, my eye starts feeling strange and it gets blurry.  So I made an appointment with my eye doc, just to make sure I didn't accidentally get the wrong kind or something.  When I went in, they did some tests and said... "Oh, you can see perfectly, but your eye is just really dry."  I know I must have looked as if I didn't believe them, because they kept telling me (as if they were trying to convince me) that nothing was wrong, it's just that I have dry eyes.  Actually, dry eye, since my left eye is fine. 

You know, I realize they are the "eye care specialists" or whatever, and I don't know anything about vision correction, and I know they know better than I do about what is going on with my eye.  However,  I do know that I wasn't having any problems what so ever with this dry eye thing until I put in my new contacts, and my eye is fine when I'm wearing my glasses.  That isn't to say I thought they were wrong, even, but they were telling me only one eye is dry and that's why my contact on that side is being weird.  OK.  So they gave me a bottle of cleaner, which I already had but don't use that often because it makes my eyes sting, and told me to use that instead of the cleaner that doesn't bother my eyes.  They also gave me a set of drops and told me to use them 3 times a day, every day, and my right contact will start working correctly.  Whatever.  I'm doing everything they say and the fracking contact lens is still acting weird and my vision is still blurry.  I guess I'll just tough it out until my next eye appointment, and hopefully the lady was right about my eye being dry and I don't go blind on one side from wearing a wonky lens. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


You know, I just spent a lot of time writing a post and the rackin' frackin' internet had a brain fart and deleted it. 

I don't have the time or patience to write all that again right now.

Hastared computer. 

Monday, October 17, 2011


1) Since I've started running A/V on Sunday mornings, one part of my job is to add in new announcement slides that run before the services begin.  Usually we just use a plain blue background for the announcements, but if here is some kind of special event taking place, I try to find a background that fits the "theme."  The other day I had to make a slide to remind everyone about the sign up sheet in the lobby, for people who would be bringing a cake for the fall festival cake-walk.  I couldn't find a background I liked very much, so I used Google image search to find something and managed to find a big, high-res still of the infamous cake from the game Portal that I could turn into a slide. I thought it would be funny, but absolutely no one has a clue what it is from.  :(

2) I felt like such an idiot yesterday.  I don't want to go into much detail, because I know it won't make sense to any of you even if I tried. Suffice it to say that I mistook a statement about one person to be about another person, and made a comment that made zero sense to the man I was talking to. Instead of taking the obviously acceptable chance to just say "Oh, my bad, I thought you were talking about someone else," I tried to play it off, and only made myself sound more insane.  I honestly really did try and correct myself, but I don't know why I didn't just admit I thought they were talking about someone else.  It was like my brain refused to consider it!  I'm fairly certain the man I was talking to thinks I'm a lunatic, and I don't blame him a bit. 

3) We had a meal after church, and I took on the job of washing dishes. I swear to you, I washed like 20 sharp, serrated steak knives and I didn't even nick myself.  Then I picked up a plastic butter knife to cut a roll in half and sliced a gash in my hand. How does that even happen?

4) I suppose you saw from my last post that I do not like going into public places with my computer.  Actually, since I've had time to think about it, I don't think I'd mind so much if I were alone, or doing some kind of work.  I just don't like doing that when there is a person with me.  It feels rude.

5) I finally got to see Scream 4, and it was so much fun!  I know those movies aren't much more than your average slasher flicks, but I still enjoy them.  They're silly.  In fact, I enjoy most screamy slasher movies, as long as they don't veer off into gross, torture-porn territory.  Only one thing about these particular movies really bothers me.  The movies are very tongue-in-cheek, very meta, and making fun of horror movie tropes in general and I get that.  The killers use stuff that they learned from watching scary movies to commit crimes that they think can be blamed on other people, because they've "Thought Of Everything!"  But if we imagine these things happened in real life...there is no way the people they are setting up to be blamed for the crimes would be found guilty.  Forensics, even your everyday, non-CSI-type forensics, would work against them.  Even if the actual killers couldn't be found, the people set up to take the fall would probably be eliminated, simply due to bullet wound entries, knife slashes, DNA evidence, and etc. The ghost-face killers may watch a lot of scary movies to figure out how to kill people, but it's obvious that they don't watch a lot of true-crime TV to figure out what NOT to do in a murdery situation.

Aaaaaaaaand, I've officially thought too hard about it.  

Saturday, October 15, 2011


So, I'm currently sitting in a Starbucks, with my iPad, not talking to Steve (who's on his laptop), and mothra-freaking blogging. Does that make me a pretentious hipster? I think it does. I'd like to apologize to everyone I know.

Ok, well, maybe not a hipster. But this strikes me as sad, to be sitting across from someone and ignoring them. I have the insane urge to reach over and start poking Steve in the forehead repeatedly so that we can at least have a little interaction.

Things I'm Thinking:

I don't like the new Starbucks logo. I know that the brand is ubiquitous and everyone knows them simply by the logo, but to have a logo with no company name smacks of hubris. Like they are the business version of Cher or Madonna. Strangely, I don't feel that way about other companies like Nike.

The salted caramel hot chocolate is delicious. They sprinkle big grains of salt on top of the whipped cream and it is awesome.

I'm only writing this so I don't look sad, sitting here not talking to anyone. Right now I'm socially-awkward penguin.

Yay, Steve just talked to me. The large group of friends who are over there having fun and having conversations don't have to feel sorry for us anymore!

If I am going to successfully look aloof, I should have worn one of my scarves. It's easier to be aloof while wearing a scarf.

Now Steve is describing Memes to me. It loses something when you can't see the picture.

Sorry to sound all complainy. I'm just uncomfortable playing with my computer toys in public. It makes me feel like I'm showing off.

Hey, they painted over the awesome mural. Boo! It was weird, but I liked it! Well, the green is nice too, but still...

I'm going to stop now and play a game.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Oh, Cat, stop leaving
dead animals on my porch.
It's pissing me off.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


1) You know how in my last post I told you about the new cookbook I got at Peach Park, and how I hoped it wouldn't have an actual recipe for possum in it?  Well, it does. It also tells how to catch, kill and burn the fur off of them before you eat them.  I died a little inside.

Oh, and as for the peach cider I got at the same place, it was so very, very sweet.  It wasn't bad, but I think it would be better if mixed with something to cut the sweetness a bit.  You could have poured it over pancakes!  Ooooooh, that would have been good...

2) Raise your hand if you like over-reactions?  Heehee.  Don't ask me how I came across this train wreck of an article, but it has to do with those "Happy Family" stickers that a lot of people have on the backs of their cars.  You know the ones, the mommy-daddy-kids-pets stickers in various themes that basically tell every stranger who sees your car how your family is made up?  I've heard of them referred to as "pedophile menus."  Anyway, someone wrote what I'm sure was intended to be some kind of sociological statement piece about family hierarchy, and it just came across as a little silly, in my opinion.  Actually, the article aside, it is the comment section that really made me roll my eyes.  Really?  People get their panties in a bunch because the male figures are depicted as being taller than the female figures?  Geez.  Some people...

Oh, and as for some of the comments about how you don't see homosexual couples with kids depicted on these stickers, that is untrue.  I saw a two daddy car the other day! 

3) This has to be one of the funniest Flickr photo streams ever!  You may have heard about this already, but in case you haven't, please go click through this.  Apparently there is a haunted house somewhere near Niagra Falls called The Nightmare Fear Factory.  Part of the attraction catches people off guard with bright lights and some kind of jump-scare where their pictures are taken, kind of in the same vein as roller coaster photos.  Whatever the scare is, it must be bad, because these people look terrified and the resulting pictures are hilarious.  Steve and I laughed until we cried over some of these.  If you're having a bad day and need a laugh, please take a look.  It'll make you feel so much better!

4) You know, I've never been to Wisconsin. 

5) My allergies are kicking my butt right now.  I wish I knew what kind of thing was blooming or dying at this time of year so I could destroy it, because it never fails that when fall comes my sinuses shut down and try to murder me.  It's been that way for years.  I can deal with the stuffy nose bit, but the headaches are what get to me.  Blarg, headaches.

6) Yesterday I got out the Sodastream maker and set about making a bottle of soda.  I know that it might seem to be a silly thing to own, but if you consider how much soda we drink, you'd know it's paid for itself many times over.  Anyway, I bought a bottle of tonic water flavoring, because I like drinking tonic water with lime, and I thought that it would be more economical to just use our machine to make it rather than buy it.  We don't normally use the mixes from the Sodastream company, we use fruit juice or something of the like.  My problem with the Sodastream flavorings, which I think I've mentioned before, is that they use a mixture of sugar and artificial sweeteners - and the result is that the mix often has that bitter, artificial taste that some diet drinks have.  I didn't think that it would be a problem with tonic water, though, because it is already kind of bitter and wangy, albeit in a pleasant way.  However, since I don't know how to mix quinine into something drinkable, I thought the mix would be ok.  Well, I made the bottle of soda and put it in the fridge to get cold, and then I had the brilliant idea to taste the concentrated flavoring to see what it was like.

Oh, dear Lord in heaven, it was foul. All I did was dip my fingertip in the bottle and touch it to my tongue, and I think my whole head tried to turn itself inside out.  It was bitter and sour, and the taste of the artificial sweetener that I dislike so much was turned up to 11.  Not only was the concentrate disgusting, the taste stuck in my mouth and I couldn't get rid of it.  I could have gone outside and licked the dog, and still tasted that yuck in my mouth.  Of course, since that happened, I can't bring myself to drink the diluted tonic water that I made.  Although the soda itself would be lighter and not anywhere as bitter, and the artificial sweetness would have been way less noticeable, just the thought of it right now makes me gag.  So much for being economical. 

Friday, October 07, 2011


October 3, 2011

Today was our "travel back" day and I was very sad to leave Destin.  Actually, Destin - Shmestin, I was sad to leave the beach, but the city was nice, too. 

We ate at the hotel for breakfast one more time before we headed out and let Jeepus lead us home.

Nothing too exciting happened as we drove back, sadly, and I kept dozing off.  Well, almost dozing off, but I tried to stay awake so Steve would have someone to talk to.  You know, in case he ever started talking.  Heehee.

Probably the only interesting spot on the whole ride back was stopping briefly at Peach Park in Clanton, AL.

TANGENT: Did you know that Clanton is the peach capital of Alabama? It also has a water tower shaped like a peach. In your FACE, Georgia!* :)

Millions of peaches, peaches for me...

I'd been there once before, a really long time ago, with a very, very dear friend of mine.  However, it was closed when we visited it so this was the first time I'd ever actually gone in.  It's sort of like a farmer's market / tourist stop / restaurant where they have all kinds of fun stuff, plus rocking chairs outside to rest in.  We didn't stay long, and unfortunately we didn't try the peach ice cream (which I hear is boss) but we did purchase some Fuzzy Navel Jelly (not as gross as it sounds), Peach and Scuppernong Cider (which we have yet to try) and a cookbook for my collection called "Possum & Sweet Potatoes."  I haven't looked into the book to read the recipes yet, but I sincerely hope there are no recipes for actual possums in there.  I may be southern, but I don't think I could handle that.

At any rate, after that we got back on the road and made it home in time to pick up the dogs and get settled in before dinner time.  

We had a great trip, although it was too short for me!  

*I actually love Georgia, as some of my favorite people live there.  Please don't be offended. That being your face, Georgia.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011


This morning I learned a bit more about our hotel neighbors. As I was standing at the sink doing morning stuff, I could hear them through the infernal connecting door. There are three kids instead of one, and Gavin is not the baby. Apparently he's the oldest of three, Gavin, Grace, and Grey, who is actually the baby. Since the parents spent a great deal of time fussing at the two older kids and telling them "NO!", I'm going to assume that baby Grey cried for so long yesterday because Gavin and Grace stood around him and poked him with sticks. Question: why do people name their kids soap opera names? Also, why do they all have "g" names? Maybe it was so they didn't have to buy new monogrammed baby stuff. Who knows?  I want to clarify that I wasn't pressing my ear to the door to hear any of this info, I was brushing my teeth.  So think about that the next time you've got a connecting door to another room in your hotel. Be careful what you say, or someone may go home and blog about you!  :)

Enough about that. I left Steve asleep and walked down to the beach to walk around for a while and pick up shells. It was just as gorgeous as yesterday. Seriously, the weather couldn't have been more perfect if I had ordered it from a catalog. It was cool,  but the sun was bright and the water was warm. The only dark spots were the giant jellyfish that had washed up on the beach and were floating in the shallow pools. I mean, they weren't Sy-Fy original movie big, but they were still very large. I had to be very careful not to step on them when i was wading in the water or walking along the edge of the water. You couldn't see them until you were almost right on top of them, so....yikes.

We went to breakfast in the hotel restaurant, and if your curious whatever happened to Andy Dick, he apparently grew a goatee and is now the host at the resort. :)

We had planned to go out and do many things today, but ultimately we decided that we just wanted to relax. We rented a couple of chairs and an umbrella, and we stared at the ocean for a few hours. It was lovely.  When we left the beach, we went to the pool for a while. It was actually really too cool to swim, but I got in the pool anyway. The water was so cold it hurt. I thought it would get warmer, but it really didn't. I finally had to get out, and that was even colder! It was fun, though.

Unfortunately, when we got back to the room, both Steve and I realized we had gotten just a bit more sun than we had realized.  Even though we had drenched Steve in sun block, he was fried. Oy, he was so very, very burnt. He just recently stopped taking some medication that makes his skin very sun sensitive, and we thought that he'd been off of it long enough to be safe, but even though he had been under an umbrella and mostly out of the sun, AND covered in sunscreen, he was toasted. Me...I was just stupid. I was so busy making sure Steve had on enough, I didn't put enough sun block on myself. Plus I didn't think my legs would burn. I have no idea why I thought that, because I've had bad sunburns on my legs in the past (that I didn't remember until staring down at my bright red knees.)  OH, and my face was burnt as well, but not everywhere.  I have bangs and a pair of giant sun glasses, so the top half of my face is fine, but the rest is bright red. Sexy! So Steve was in agony, and my legs and face were on fire. Good times!

We didn't feel like going anywhere else, so we had dinner at the hotel restaurant and it almost killed us.  It wasn't that we ate too much, but everything they serve in that place was so heavy and rich that we got sleepy, so we came back to the room and ended the day by watching television and trying not to let anything hurt our sunburns.

Wow, I go all summer not getting sunburned, but October rolls around and I get one.  Nice!  

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


October 1, 2011

I woke up this morning to the sound of a baby crying.  Wha?  Yeah, I had no idea where it was coming from, but it was incessant. I was looking under furniture and checking in the closet, but I never found the baby.  Heh.  Actually, the kid was in the room next to ours (the two suites share a connecting door) and so we could hear him through that. It wasn't loud, but unless that kid was being attacked by an army of angry crawfish, I have no idea what was wrong with him.

But he wasn't my kid, so I ignored him and went about my morning.

I walked out on the balcony and watched the beautiful sunrise over the water.  I love the ocean so much! I have seen mountains, deserts and prairie, and nothing I've seen so far matches up to the seaside for me. One day I will have a home on the beach if I can, I hope.  Steve and I walked downstairs to walk on the sand and it was so nice. It was warm and gorgeous. I like to look for shells first thing in the morning before the best ones are gathered by someone else, but there were hardly any out there. The sand is sugar white and very fine, and where we are the water is very shallow and there are hardly any waves. I've seriously never seen ocean that calm along a shoreline except when we were in Key West. It's just gorgeous.

After a while of puttering around outside, we came back upstairs and got ready to have breakfast.  That kid was still crying, by the way.  I was starting to worry about him, because we had been gone a while and that just seemed like a long time for a kid to cry like that.

After breakfast, Steve and I decided to go shopping while we waited for the day to warm up a bit more. We had a great time going to different places in town. We also stopped at a thrift store near our hotel, just to see what a thrift store in a town full of wealthy residents would have in it. Let me tell you, if you want some awesome furniture at insanely low prices...find the nearest resort town and hit up their thrift store. There is so much we would have gotten if we could have managed it!

When we got back, we changed and headed down to the beach. I donned my new muumuu over my suit and prepared myself to be in public.  I think I've mentioned before how nice it is to go to the beach, because it never fails that no matter how bad you think you look in your suit, someone else comes along who looks worse and so you don't feel so bad. Well, today, I got to be the person who made everyone else feel better.  I'm not just saying that, either.  It was like Baywatch out there, and then there was me.  Oy.  So many gorgeous women in perfect bikini was mortifying. Whatever.  I sucked it up and owned it, y'all, because sometimes it's just what you have to do.  Besides, no one was paying any attention! :).

Tangent - DOLPHINS!!!!!!!!!

Steve and I got into the water, but it was hard to get used to. The water wasn't cold, but the air above it was cool, so we had to inch our way in. When we'd finally gotten out aways, we were surrounded by fish. Not teeny fish, either, but five or six inch silver fish with yellow fins. At first I thought it was funny, because they kept nibbling Steve's feet, but after Steve went back to the towels, they really started swarming around me. I was sitting in the water trying to shoo them away, but they wouldn't go! I probably looked insane shouting at the water, telling the unseen-by-others critters to go away, but I was starting to get nervous. I was fine until they started nipping at me, and the I got out of the water. Honestly, I expected to have dozens of tiny fish-hickies on my legs, but luckily I was unscathed.  I decided to lie on my towel and dry off for a while, so I just lay there like a lump in the sun, loving every minute. Steve had gone back to the room, and it was only after I had lain there a while that I remembered that I am so rarely out in the sun that it wouldn't be too smart to stay out much longer, so I came back to the room.  When I got back, that kid was crying again, or possibly still crying. I was seriously worried about him by that point. What if he was alone in there? I mean, maybe his parents were the type who go on vacation, throw the kid into a playpen with a bottle and turn on the tv, leaving him alone so they could go play golf or something.  I went as far as lying down on the floor by the connecting door to listen and see if anyone else was in the room, and thankfully I heard a woman come by and tell "Gavin" that he needed a nap. A nap, hell, that kid needed a Percocet. Personally, I think he cried so much because he suddenly realized his parents had named him Gavin.

We got cleaned up and went back out again. We went to Fudpucker's to eat, and I'm fairly certain the food there made me sick. I don't mean it was spoiled or anything like that, but something in my lunch made me very sick to my stomach. There are certain types of oils or spices that do that to me, so I guess I'm allergic, but since I don't know specifically what they are, I can't avoid them. Anyways, I at least managed to leave the restaurant without hurling in the alligator tank, so queasiness aside, I'd call that a win!  Luckily, I started feel a bit better after a while, so we stopped by the outlet mall! Steve found a lot of great clothes for himself, which I'm glad about, but I guess I'm too fat to buy clothes in Destin because I couldn't find a darn thing in my size at any of the stores we went into. Actually, the same thing could be said about  almost every store I have been into in this town so far. That isn't an exaggeration. I can't find clothes in my size anywhere that I have checked so far except for maybe the Under Armor outlet, and I'm not 100% certain that my work out pants will fit because I didn't try them on first. Oh well... I guess I'm just too bodacious for this town! :)

We shopped in the outlets for a while and came back to the hotel for a late dinner. We've been trying to stay quiet so as not to wake up Gavin, and either he finally came to terms with his name, or his parents have drugged him, because we haven't heard crying since we've been back.

So far we are having a great time!


 September 30, 2011

Oh, I've been waiting on a beach vacation for so long.  I suppose that sounds ridiculous when you consider all the places I've been this year, but none of the trips I've taken thus far can be considered relaxing.  Steve surprised me a few weeks ago by making reservations at the Hilton Sandestin Resort down in Florida!  He had been to Destin before while on a work trip, and he decided that he'd like to see what it was like to visit it in a less official capacity! Onward!

We actually started off much later in the day than we had anticipated.  For some reason, the alarm didn't wake us up as early as we hoped, but we were still able to wrangle the mutts into their harnesses and get them off to the boarding place before 8:00 am!  We didn't have any biting incidents this time, so that was good.  After that, we had to finish packing and get ready to leave, but we didn't manage to actually get out of the house until about 10:15, which sucked, because it is a six hour drive to Destin from home, and I was afraid we would get there too late to do anything. After we finally got on the road, we actually made pretty good time. We did have a bad moment when we came very close to getting trapped in a homecoming parade in a place called Brewton (I think), but we managed to just miss it. Of course, had we wound up in it, I planned to smile and wave until we made it to the end.  :) We finally made it out of there and began passing through some rather creepy places. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean the places were decrepit or scary, but they all had a very empty, "everyone-could-be-dead-and-no-one-would-ever-know" feeling about them.  It was like being in one of those movies where you have to stop at a normal looking house and ask for directions, only to have at least three of your traveling companions eaten by something gruesome that lives in the barn behind it.  Luckily, we had a GPS, so we didn't have to stop. 

Tangent - Did you know that a town called Castleberry is the strawberry capital of Alabama?  Now you do!

It took us until about 4:45pm to reach our hotel and good grief was it fancy, much more so than either of us expected.  Apparently there had been a major refurbishing done very recently. There was a guard at the entrance who had to give us a parking pass, and he asked our last name, which Steve gave him. Then the guard asked how it was spelled, and Steve spelled it out for him. It's important to know that Steve didn't mumble or whisper while he was spelling our last name, but still, when the guard gave us the pass, it said we were Mr. and Mrs. Perpe. Oh, well, we decided that it should be pronounced "per-pay" so that it didn't sound common. :) We managed to dodge the valet parking guys, because I have an irrational fear of them, and got our things together to get checked in.  Luckily, we had both packed light (I'm finally learning how) and walked in. The hotel is gorgeous, and I had a bad moment of feeling out of place  (like one of the Beverly Hillbillies) but after I saw a lady wearing the same outfit I had on -although I'm sure hers was much more expensive, ha! - I felt better.

The view from our balcony. BEACHY!

Believe it or not, I didn't set foot on the beach at all the first day, but mainly it was because of timing. We were both hungry after taking our stuff to the room, and so we set out to find some food. We had dinner at a place called The Black Pearl, which was very good, and after leaving we went on a wild goose chase to find a bathing suit cover up for me, because I'd forgotten to pack one. There were some for sale in the hotel shop, but I couldn't imagine paying that much for something that was basically going to get wet, so we thought we'd hit up one of the local surf shops and find something a bit more reasonable.  It was a tough job, though, because if you aren't a teeny tiny teenager, or a maw-maw, there is nothing out there. Everything was either way too small or a muumuu. Ugh. We had to go to three or four different places before I found anything I would wear, but I'm still not happy with it. I had to go the muumuu route, because - no joke - everything else was way, way too small.  I'm not thin by any means, but I'm not so crazy big that I can't find clothes for myself.  But in this town, you'd think I was the circus fat lady or something.  It was frustrating!!!!  I wouldn't have even bothered looking for anything, but unfortunately, the hotel has a dress code, and you have to wear something over your swim suit while in the lobby. Granted, I guess I could have worn my street clothes over my suit, but I didn't want to get them sandy and wet because packing light means not having replacements!

The restaurant had fish utensils. I'd eat there just for that.  :)

When we got onto our floor, we tried to find a vending machine for some drinks, but the one on our floor had been removed. Steve had to go up two floors before he found one, and I think I know why they are so hard to find. I found a mini-bar hidden in the television stand and the cans of soda inside were $3.25 apiece! I suppose they want you to get frustrated when you couldn't find the vending machine and buy the ones in the mini-bar instead. Yikes. No thanks. The vending machine ones were still more expensive than normal, but not as much as the ones in the mini-bar.  I'm not at all bad-mouthing this hotel or anything, so please don't think that, but geez, everything was so flapping expensive. 

We heard a couple arguing in one of the nearby rooms, but we never figured out why. It got pretty bad, though. Too bad we didn't hear what the fight was about. Aside from just being nosey, if one of them flings the other off the balcony, it would be nice to be able to tell the police why! :)

Oh, and you know how I said I had earned to pack light? Well, I think I did too good of a job, because when I was unpacking tonight I realized that I forgot some of my clothes! I should have enough to see me through the weekend, but I'd better not spill anything on myself or fall into the gulf, or I'll end up having to wear my new muumuu home!

Monday, September 26, 2011


1)  Chances are, by the time you read this I will have mutated into some kind of grotesque, lumpy, gray humanoid creature that can read minds and ooze under doors.  Why?  Well, while I was at the gym this morning, I wasn't thinking and I wiped my mouth on my gym towel.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The scratchy, overly bleached towel provided by the gym that people use to wipe sweat off of their hands and weight machines?  Wiping your face on a gym towel is bad enough, but not totally disgusting, but wiping your mouth...ugh.  Not only that, before I could stop myself, I licked my lips.  It was just a reflex, and my brain was not quick enough to tell me to stop.  I was inside, so I couldn't spit, and so now I'm fairly certain that I've infected myself with something that will probably cause Athletes Liver or something like that.

I feel unclean. UNCLEAN ON THE INSIDE!  *whimper*

2) So...Facebook has changed and it's annoying.  I mean, I'm not flipping out and threatening to stop using it like some people, but it's irritating simply because it's new.

 It's funnier if you say it in his voice. DO IT!

My only problems with it at this point are A) It janked up the privacy settings, which you have to figure out how to deal with and that is kind of a serious issue that needs to be addressed and  B) I'm tired of people complaining about it. Threatening to stop using the site isn't going to get Mark Zuckerberg in a tizzy and cause him to change it back.  Honestly, he's probably too busy rolling around naked in zillion dollar bills to care much of what you think.  He's got 750 million or so other people who are going to stick around even if you don't.

Then, of course, some rumor got started that Facebook was going to start charging for memberships and people got their knickers all in a twist about it, once again threatening to stop using it.  First off, when you sign up, the page says "Free and always will be."  Also, Facebook Users are the product that Facebook sells to advertisers, and I doubt any smart business is going to charge it's product for the privilege of being sold.  The whole debacle just makes me wish that Facebook had an app that allowed you to remotely smack people upside the head.

3) I've got to hide from the Jehovah's Witnesses for the rest of my life, and it's all my fault.  OK, see, the former J.W. who used to come to our neighborhood was a nice lady that would stop by and hand me a copy of her magazines.  I'd always take them because I knew she was just out doing her thing and I didn't want to discourage her from telling people about God.  Also, I'm fairly certain that she probably got the door slammed in her face more than once.  I think she knew I wasn't interested in joining her religion, but I was nice to her, so she'd always drop by.  The last time I actually saw her in person was while I was sick with pneumonia and drugged beyond the capacity of rational thought.  I had been asleep and heard the doorbell ring.  In full-on drugged Crazy Town mode, I jumped out of bed and ran to the door, jerked it open and scared the crap out of her.  I mean, she actually jumped back, got caught on a broken pot that was behind her and almost fell down the stairs.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I probably looked like the girl from The Exorcist, which isn't exactly what a traveling missionary is expecting to see when they stop by a house.  I have no idea what I said to her, but she didn't waste time getting away from me.  I know she said she was sorry I was sick, and in my memory, I said it was OK, but for all I know I mumbled something only the Elder Gods would understand.  Yog Sithoth rules!  I dunno.  All I know is that I never saw her again, and whomever took over for her was like some kind of Jehovah's Witness ninja.  I'd never see or hear them come by, but when I'd open my door, a Watchtower magazine would be rolled up and stuck between the doorknob and the door frame.  I liked it that way.

Well, last week I was in the middle of eating lunch and the doorbell rang.  I thought it was a package being dropped off, but was Elvis.  Not that Elvis, silly...a Jehovah's Witness named Elvis who wanted to ask me questions about God.  I didn't want to be rude, again, he's a missionary and I respect that, but still...sigh.  Of course, I wasn't in the mindset at that moment to be given a Sunday school lesson, and I answered his question wrong.  I tried to backtrack, but he was having none of it.  He went on with his spiel, handed me a magazine, and asked if he could come back and discuss it with me.  I didn't know what to say that wouldn't come out rude, so I said OK.  The thing is, I don't want to discuss it with him.  I already know that while our beliefs have similar themes and touchstones, they just do not agree on important things.  I wish I had the stones to just tell him, no, I'm not interested, but I didn't and now I've got to figure out a way to avoid these people because unlike the Mormons, these people WILL come back.  They are tenacious!  I always try to work in that I am a Christian when they come by and start asking me questions, which is my probably too-subtle way of letting them know I am not interested, but they probably hear that all the time and they want to win people over to their side. 

I just don't want to be rude, but I'm also really not interested. I going to spend the rest of my life with no lights on, creeping around the house on my hands and knees so as not to be seen through the windows.  I'm such a jelly-fish.

4) You know, I've never before realized just how often I walk around the house in various states of undress*.  Now that the family who owns the land behind us is having it cleared off by a large group of male landscapers, and since we haven't yet put blinds up in the dining room's big windows, I'm forcefully reminded, usually too late, that they can see right into my house.  We used to have opaque curtains in the kitchen, so I'm used to having privacy.  I mean, I'm not one of those people who vacuum naked or anything like that, but I've never thought twice about running to the other parts of the house while I'm getting ready to go someplace and not fully dressed yet.  I don't even know if anyone up there has seen me, but in my cringing imagination, they have and they've laughed. 

*I'd like to apologize for any mental pictures that might have caused.  It was not intentional and I can't be held responsible for therapy bills.  That is all.

Monday, September 19, 2011


1) Honestly, I wish more was going on in my life to write about.  I even bore myself. 

2) I bought a bathing suit the other day.  Blarg.  I think we all know how I feel about wearing a bathing suit, and it's precisely why I haven't even owned one in years.  I actually ordered it online from a place called Pin Up Girl Clothing, because secretly I want to own one of everything they sell.  I received said bathing suit (the one piece with the cherries on it, in case you're curious) and I can't say I'm impressed with the outcome of myself in the thing.  Eh, I wasn't expecting a miracle!  Also, the suit is super cute, so I'm not going to complain too much, and I will wear it.  Out.  In public.  *gulp*  Oh well, at least I haven't reduced myself to wearing a Victorian era bathing dress!  :)

3) I felt so stupid at church yesterday.  Oy.  While I'm running A/V for the service, one of the things I've gotten used to doing is signaling the ushers when it's time to walk to the front of the sanctuary to collect offering.  Usually, I let them know when it's time to get ready and when it's time to walk.  Yesterday, some changes were made on the order of services, and I got lost on the list.  I somehow managed to send the guys down an entire song early.  It wouldn't have been so bad if the man I was feverishly waving at to just GO didn't try to tell me I was wrong.  Since I was clearly convinced that he was wrong, I just signaled to the guys on the other side to go and since they did, everyone did...and that's when I realized I was wrong after all.  Granted, few people realized anything was amiss, but I was so embarrassed.  I probably wouldn't have been as embarrassed if I hadn't just been sitting there thinking: "I'm organized and I know what's going on today, why is that guy not doing what I say?!"  Luckily they forgave my incompetence. 

4) Other than miscuing ushers, guess what I did this weekend?  I played Portal for the first time and I loved it!  I'd known about Portal for a long time, and I knew the pop culture bits of it (The Cake Is A Lie) but I'd never had a chance to play it.  Luckily, I was able to download the game for free and it completely consumed me for hours.  I don't usually get that caught up with video games, unless I'm playing very specific ones with friends, but this one was fun!  Also, for not having a clue how to play it before hand, I was pretty good at it!  I did finally have to read some hints and walkthroughs on the last few levels, but I tried to keep that to a minimum unless I got completely confused.  In the end, I finally defeated GLaDOS - which creeped me out, by the way.  The whole game did.  It was just weird.  Now I am going to get Portal 2!  I'm the kind of dork these game companies love, I'm sure.

At the very end, while the player is scrambling to defeat the giant computer bad-guy, it taunts you the whole time that you're destroying it's various parts.  One line really stuck out for me.  GLaDOS says

"You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?"

All I could think of was "Wow, did the HR department for the SpRocket (ptooey) write this game?"  Heehee.

I did learn one important thing during all the game playing.  At some point while I was playing, I got sick.  Really sick.  It was the worst kind of car sick feeling I'd had in years, and that includes the 2006 New Years Eve incident.  At first I thought I really was sick, and that something was terribly wrong with me.  I took medicine and chowed down on ginger, and everything I could think of, but nothing worked.  I finally stepped away from the computer for a while and felt better.  It just turned out that first player shooter games make me really motion sick.  I'm so hard-core!  :)

5) I've been having a string of weird nightmares lately.  They aren't the sit up and scream kind, but they are unsettling.  I only clearly remember parts of two of them.  In one, I'm being murdered over and over again.  It isn't like I'm waking up when I'm killed, like a normal person would, it's almost like I'm being reincarnated immediately into someone else that's being murdered.  Oh, and every incarnation is being killed by being stabbed with poison needles.  What would Freud say about that, I wonder?  :)  The other one was not a violent nightmare, but it was about a homeless girl I meet and try to help get a job.  I help her put together a resume and give her recommendations, but no one will hire her because they don't want to hire someone who is associated with me.  She tries and tries to get work, but because I helped her, she can't get hired.  Then she gets hit by a bus, and for some reason it's my fault because I couldn't help her get a job.  I don't understand how the last part was my fault, but it didn't make me feel any better.  Poor imaginary homeless girl.  :(

6) Congratulations are in order for my friend Jason who just got engaged to his loverly girlfriend!  Good luck, you guys! 

7) Also, send out some good vibes to another couple of my friends who will be moving to Birmingham to pursue bigger, better, and more financially stable things!  I hope everything goes perfectly and that they are successful in all of their endeavors!  

Wednesday, September 07, 2011


1) OK, I'm having a much better morning this morning.  Seriously, I think I was traumatized by the events of yesterday.  No joke, I was cringing and washing my hands every 5 minutes, and I think I sat down at one point and went catatonic.  That sounds like an exaggeration, but I swear to you that I lost 3 hours of my life.  I heard the clock chime 11:00 AM, and the next thing I knew, I was looking at the clock and it said 2:45 PM.  I never once heard the clock chime again, nor do I have any idea what I was doing that whole time.  In my memory, I was sitting at my computer desk reading a website, but I don't think that I was reading anything so interesting that I wouldn't move for 3 hours or hear the clock chime.  Weirdness. 

2) It's so nice and cool outside that I finally got to break out my bluejeans again!  Oh, how I've missed them.  Besides that, I've been freezing cold, but I think that's because the temps changed so fast.   I prefer the cold, though, except that it makes me sleepy.  I have too much to do to be sleepy.  I wish the weather would hold right here for a while, but it's going to be sunny and warmer again before I know it.  Oh, well.  Right now it feels like football weather, which I love.  Only now I can enjoy it properly instead of wearing a wool band uniform!  I can't be certain, but my complete indifference to football may have stemmed directly from wearing those uniforms.  It was torture, I say!

3) Speaking of bands, Steve had his Madison Community Band Patriotic Concert last Saturday!  They were joined by the US Army Materiel Command Band, which was amazing.  They sounded so good, and I think it was better than usual because they were in a proper auditorium, plus they had 40-something more players than they usually do.  One of the Army guys played the oboe, and he was the first male oboe player I've ever seen.  He was also the best oboe player I've ever heard in person, plus he was big and buff enough to kick anyone's ass if they made fun of him for being a male oboe player.  I also got to meet Abraham Lincoln!  Well, not the original one, ' know...he's dead and stuff.  But Mr. Dennis Boggs, who often works with MCB, was there and he was just as good as the other one!  Maybe even better because he is alive!  Honestly, he did a great job at performing as President Lincoln, and I got to be his practice hand shaker as he walked down the aisle during rehearsal.  I kept cracking up while he was giving his speeches, because I've been reading the book "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" which tells about his part in history, as well as weaving in the fictional bits of story within the framework of his real life.  I kept expecting him to pull out an ax and talk about the vampires he'd killed along the way!

There were also civil war reenactors there, too, and I have to say it was odd seeing some of those wearing blue coats.  Being from Alabama, I've generally only seen Confederate soldier reenactors, but Union soldiers were just as cool.  I'm just glad they didn't get too into the part and burn the place down.  It was a close call, though, because there was almost a ruckus when the bad director wanted to place the Stars and Bars next to the Union flag. The band director reminded them that it was a concert, not a reenactment, so they cooled their jets.  There was also a fiddle player who did period appropriate songs and dancers in hoop-skirts.  Ahhhh, I'd love to be able to do something like that.  I love wearing costumes, and I'm fairly certain I could learn the old dances.  Old school waltzing can't possibly be as difficult as medieval dancing, and I was good at that!

Anyway, the band itself sounded so good, and hopefully we'll have some video of it up soon, for those of you who'd like to hear it!  :)

4) Rorschach left a pile of dead bird remnants on our porch last night.  I'm fairly certain it was supposed to be a gift, but I'd much prefer a nice fruit basket.  What is wrong with these animals?  All they do is leave me disgusting things in weird places!