Wednesday, August 15, 2018

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Have you ever had a moment of realization that kind of slapped you in the face? I did, and I'm panicking a bit.

You know how we all have secrets, right?  Some are just dumb things we are embarrassed about and some are, well, more secrety than others? 

Usually I'm pretty transparent about myself, because I'm not so interesting that I have things to hide, but there are a couple of things that I don't talk about, ever, to anyone.  Usually.  I have one such secret, and what it is isn't important, just know that it's something I hold close and dear and it's mine.  I don't talk about it. Nothing bad, or scary, or anything like that, just a stupid little secret that I keep close, but if anyone else knew, it would...well, it would be complicated.  For a while now, I've known for a fact that one person knows it, but it's because she can read me like a book.  She's had the good grace never to mention it straight out, but I know she knows because she knows everything about me.  I felt pretty confident that she was the only one who did know and I was fine with it because she wouldn't tell anyone. I trust her implicitly.

Then I remembered.

About eight or nine years ago, in a moment of what I can only remember as desperation (and I don't remember what brought it on) I happened to tell someone, like...outright...what that secret was. I know that it was germane to whatever was going on, but I don't know why I told this person. It wasn't even a person I know very well, but I assume that I was in a fairly vulnerable state, which breeds confidences like that. I mean, we're friends and all, but not...you know...FRIENDS. I know that it made them look at me differently. Once whatever crisis passed, I completely forgot about telling them until recently. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I have regret!  I don't know what I was thinking.  This person will probably never tell anyone my dumb little secret, but I have no way of knowing that. Their spouse knows me and what if they told them?  I mean, it's been however many years and they haven't said anything, and they seem to be a decent sort of person, but what if I make them mad?!  I've been in a low grade fever of discomfort since I remembered.  I need to shut up.  I especially need to shut up when I'm in emotional turmoil.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this now.  GAH!

2) Last week I mentioned that I'd be missing my weight loss class because I needed a break from it.

I skipped it!  I stayed at work and finished some of the stuff that had been backing up and I felt better about things in general because that was one less thing that I had to deal with that week. Steve was supposed to go and pick up our supplies from them the next day so that I wouldn't even have to do that, but he didn't.  He got caught up at work and asked me to go by and get them. Dangit. I agreed, because usually, if you have to pick anything up late, it is left on a desk in the front of the office and you don't have to talk to anyone.

Wellllll, our stuff wasn't there, and so I had to go back and talk to the lady who puts together our packages.  She had forgotten about us, so she told me to wait a few minutes and she'd get us sorted. While I was waiting, the behaviorist came by and saw me and  I ended up getting weighed AND lectured!!!!!!!  Everything I purposefully avoided the day before happened anyway!  This is all the proof I need that I have no control over my destiny. Someone that does not like me much is in control of my schedule now.  I will be weighed, measured, and found too heavy every time. :(

3) I've been cleaning out my closet lately and you know what I realized? When I make special plans to do something (and by special plans I mean plans that are out of my normal, everyday deal, and possibly with people I don't see very often) I will sometimes buy new clothes to wear that day. Its a weird thing, I know, but I like to look nice and/or appropriate so these nice people don't find out that I am normally a huge slob! Haha! Anyways, since I've had to start weeding clothes out of my closet, I've found a LOT of clothes that I bought for specific plans that ended up getting cancelled.  Like, a lot.  It's not a big deal, of course, because every cancelled plan means one less day of wearing pants, but I could remember what most of the outfits were for and it made me sad that they never happened. Why do we, as adults, cancel plans so much?  We are going to die sooner than later! We should take more time to see our friends. I ended up having to get rid of some stuff I never even got a chance to wear.  Eh, well...Silver Lining...maybe someone else can wear them for their own special plans AND they'll be able to buy the clothes for cheap at Goodwill!  Maybe I made someone's day!

4) OK, just so you don't think I'm in a complete funk (I'm not. I'm just...slightly blue, I guess. Sorry.) I have started a project and have been having a lot of fun with it!  I have been building models!  Not like, cars or anything like that, but model houses.  Well, model rooms, to be specific.  I happened to find some videos on YouTube of some Japanese model builders, and I enjoy watching them because I find them restful.  I thought the kits were only available in Japan, but as it turns out, you can buy them on Amazon!  They are very detailed and complex, and some of them are wired with lights. I'm currently building this one.  It's all made out of paper, balsa wood, beads and wires and bits of plastic.  When I worked at the SpRocket (ptooey) I used to build doll houses and miniature things out of scraps leftover from signs when things got slow, and it reminds me of that, only the kits come with everything you need.  I HAVE discovered that I'm not really great at following directions! Haha! I wanted to finish the structure before I made the details, so I would have a place to put everything, but you have to build some parts to put on other parts, and the directions for each thing you build are in no particular order in the booklet, so I keep having to pull things apart and reglue other things to make them right.  One whole wall I glued in backwards, and the "windows" are spotted with glue and on the wrong side of the wood, but I'll just put that part against the wall when I set it up!  I also accidentally cut through some of the paper patterns because I didn't know the paper was folded in half! Oops.  I did manage to wire the lighting in correctly, which I'm quite proud of!  It works!  It's slow going, though, because each thing has to be assembled individually, but I'm having a lot of fun and it gives me something to do with my hands. I'm already excited about building another one when I'm done with this. I've missed making things.

5) I hope you're having a great day, by the way. I really do. :)

Thursday, August 09, 2018

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I meant to tell you about this when I was writing about out trip, but I forgot.

One of the weirdest things I saw in Paris were the groups of soldiers walking around in the city. That shouldn't be weird, considering that I live in a town with an Army base, but these soldiers seemed ominous in some way.  There were always four of them walking in formation, wearing fatigues, carrying automatic weapons and not talking to anyone.  They were on some sort of patrol, I suppose. I know that there have been terrorist situations where people have run vehicles into crowds of people in Europe, so I suppose that was what they were on the lookout for, but it was kind of scary!  It wasn't the guns that bothered me (I mean, let's be serious, where I live even your morticians have a conceal carry permit in case of the zombie apocalypse) but I think it was that the out-of-placeness (I know there is a word for that, but I don't know what it is) that felt so weird. I also noticed that the cops there had very obvious guns.  I dunno, maybe I just didn't expect to see guns at all over there, so it was a bit jarring to be walking along the Seine and suddenly having to move out of the way of the soldiers with big-ass guns.

Shout out to them for protecting my American behind in their country though!

2) I've gone back to Boot Camp after taking a month off and it was a tough reintroduction! Granted, I know that the class (a mixture of strength and resistance training and cardio) isn't that intense, but for me, a giant marshmallow filled with pudding, it's hard!  The first day back I almost threw up, which is so embarrassing. The poor instructor has been scared every since we met that I'm going to pass out or throw up at some point. It's not that the class is that intense or that I'm that big of a weenie, I just have terrible balance and I get motion sick very easily for some reason and we move around a LOT.

Other than that, though, I'm still enjoying it and I'm getting a little better!  I did a plank correctly for the first time!  That is huge for me!  I also have a muscle in my stomach now!  It's nowhere close to being an actual ab or anything like that, but I know it's there. Buried. Like a shoe box under a pile of laundry!

My weight loss has stalled and keeps trying to reverse, to my great chagrin. That is my fault, as I am heartily tired of the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I am still working on it, but now that I'm allowed food, I do tend to eat things I'm not supposed to have and we've gone out to dinner at restaurants several times, but I really don't understand the extent of the gaining. At the most I should be maintaining my weight, but no.  I keep gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over, which sucks.  I need to get back into my good head space, because I need to lose about five more pounds, which is proving to be really freaking hard.  Also, I'm afraid once I'm not going to the weekly meetings, I'm going to lose my motivation and regain all the weight I lost, and I desperately don't want to do that.  It's all so hard and frustrating. I want to be healthy and fit (I don't care much about being skinny, but I'd like to be comfortable in my own skin and I'm not quite there yet) but I also want to eat delicious food. It is becoming apparent that you can't do both.

I've actually been keeping a weekly video diary of the process, which is funny going back to look at them. I'm thinking about editing some of it together and posting it here. It is truly a timeline of all of this madness!

P.S. I skipped this week's meeting because I needed a week off from being weighed like a cow. I'm calling it a mental health break.

3)  I wish there was more to tell!  Not a lot going on at the moment, but that's ok. I'm at least making myself do some crafts instead of only sitting around watching videos in my spare time, and I ordered some stuff to do a fairly elaborate project that I've never tried before, so that should be fun!  I hope your days are much more exciting than mine! In a good way, of course, not in an "we have to hide from flesh eating platypodes" kind of way.  Although that WOULD be exciting!