Wednesday, December 28, 2011


OK, just so you know, I didn't actually get so depressed after thinking about the "It's a Wonderful Life" scenario that I ate 32 Rolo turtles.  I ate that many because they are delicious.  :)  Seriously, they are awesome, and if I don't get rid of them soon, I'm going to get diabetes or something.  I can't stop eating them.

Actually, I was only depressed for a second or two and then I started thinking about a problem I have with that dumb movie.  Indulge me for a moment...

OK, so George gets upset because of the money troubles he's having with the building and loan company he runs and decides to commit suicide.

-First off...what a dick move, George.  Seriously.  You've got kids and a family, you selfish bastard!  I understand the depression and hopelessness of your current situation, but killing yourself isn't the best course of action, here.  They wouldn't even get your life insurance (if you had any) because they don't pay out in cases of suicide! If you'd shown signs of depression or suicidal behavior before now, or if you'd had some kind of mental or emotional problems in the past, I think I'd probably understand, but geez man.  A sudden attack of things-are-looking-kinda-bad is no reason to kill yourself!

Then Clarence comes along to show him how horrible things would have been if he'd never existed.

-I have no trouble with this part. As freakishly messed up as Bedford Falls (i.e. Potterville) became without his influence, maybe people like that exist. The hubs on which certain wheels of the world turn.  I dunno.  I'm just going to go with it.

When George sees how his existence has made the world a better place, he forgoes suicide, runs home to hug everyone, bells ring and angels get their wings.  The end.  It's freaking heartwarming.

OK, my problem with the movie is this:  George did exist.  George had always existed. George would not negate his existence simply by killing himself.  Granted, I know that the whole purpose of the story is that George realizes that he's done really great things and that his life is really wonderful, but if he had actually managed to throw himself off of the bridge before Clarence could show him everything, the world wouldn't have automatically reverted to that bleak existence that had never included him.  Sure, his family and most of the town would have been devastated that he'd killed himself, but Bedford Falls wouldn't blink out of existence and be replaced by Potterville the second after he died.  He'd leave a trail of heartache, emotional suffering, and possible daddy issues behind him, but all of the things he had done in the past would have still been done.  Lots of people who've done really great things die without the effects of what they'd done in the past wearing off.  To show George what life would have been like if he'd never existed doesn't make as much sense to me as it does to show George what life might be like if he killed himself.

Something tells me that if you show a man who truly loves his family what would happen if he (selfishly) killed himself, that man would not do it. 

OK, look, I realize I've over analyzed this.  However, I can't help but think that the whole reason Clarence hadn't gotten his wings by then is because he didn't quite get the point of cause and effect.  The effect of showing George what life would have been like without his existence was a fluke.  Wings is wings, though, so I'm sure he didn't go back to the Almighty and say " bad.  No, don't give them to me yet.  I need to get this right."

Oh, and also, what the hell kind of name is Zuzu?

That is all.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Over the Christmas holiday, I noticed that a lot of television shows have an episode that rips off "It's a Wonderful life."  You know what I'm talking about, right?  The main character gets depressed and thinks his/her life is meaningless, and then is taken around by some benevolent spirit that shows them how awful everything would be if they had never existed. Blah, blah, and blah.

Anyways, I started thinking that it would be interesting if I got the chance to see how things would have turned out if I'd never existed.  Not because I want to do away with myself or anything, but just out of curiosity, you know?

Of course, then I realized, what if I got to do it only to find out that everyone's life turned out for the better?  How would I deal with that? 

Then I got depressed and ate 32 Rolo Turtles.

Thanks a lot, Jimmy Stewart.

Other than that, Christmas was awesome! 

More later...

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

As a child, when thinking about what would happen to me in the future, I never thought I'd ever want to become a groupie for a Jewish boy band.

Then this happened. Life is weird.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Today was the day we had our annual Christmas cantata!  The choir has been practicing for months, and they sounded amazing!  I'd love to give them all the credit, but I can't.  Most of it goes to me, since I was the one running the sound.  :)  Hehe!  Just kidding.  I basically just made sure the music came on, and the choir did the rest.  I wish you could have been there to hear them!  They almost blew away the first four rows of pews!  Awesome!

We did have one small incident, though.

A weird thing about our church is that the choir loft seems to defy the laws of thermodynamics.  It can be freezing cold in the whole sanctuary, people literally bundled up in the fleece loaner blankets we have on hand for the little old ladies, but up where the choir is seated people are fanning and sweating.  I'm sure it has something to do with the placement of the can lights above the stage, but whatever it is makes it very difficult to keep the temperature at a level that won't cause the choir members to pass out while simultaneously throwing the rest of us into hypothermia.  Of course, when they have special musical events, we tend to keep the temperature at the coldest it can be to accommodate the choir.  It's hard to stand and sing for 45 minutes wearing a heavy robe anyway, and the last thing we want to do is have any of our choir members pass out (it's happened before.) 

This morning the temperature was set to 69 degrees, the house lights were turned down to keep the room from getting too hot, and we had the air conditioning fans running hard on both sides of the sanctuary.

We also have the entire sanctuary decorated for Christmas, having done the hanging of the green a couple of weeks ago. We have swags of garland and wreaths and in each window we have an arrangement of artificial greenery, ribbons, and hurricane lamps with tall, red taper candles in them.  It's all very beautiful, and our minister of music wants to make sure that we light all of the candles at every service until the end of the Christmas season. So the candles were lit and everything looked very nice.

(I promise that is all important, albeit in a round about way, so bear with me.)

The cantata went off without a hitch, and I guess the preacher got all excited, because after the singing was done he got up and started preaching a very short sermon.  Well....short-ish.  We're Southern Baptist, after all.  :)   During all of this, I was sitting in the back of the room in the sound "booth" and the associate pastor was standing back there with me.  He'd had to do something earlier during the service and had decided to just hang out in the back so that he wouldn't disturb anyone during the cantata.  I'm so very, very glad he did. 

As the preacher was doing his thing, I was waiting on my cue to turn the projector on so that we could sing the last song.  I hate to admit I wasn't really listening to him, but I was trying to think of what I had to do next.  After about five minutes I noticed a weird smell.  It was bitter and familiar, but I couldn't place it right away.  My first thought was that we'd finally pushed the heating/cooling system to the point of no return, but something made me look over to my left, and I saw fire.  One of the window arrangements was on fire!  Apparently it had been in the perfect place for a draft from the air conditioner to blow the flame of the candle sideways, which caused the candle to melt super-fast, which in turn caused the flame to reach the plastic greenery before the service was over and caused everything inside of the hurricane chimney to burn.

I realize that the whole thing was over in only a matter of seconds, but from the time I looked over and saw the fire, everything sort of went in slow motion.  My first thought was "Yep. Fire."  Then my second thought was "HOLY SH*T! FIRE!!!!!!!"  My third thought was "Why is no one doing anything about the fire? No, really...can they not see that? The fire? Burning where a fire ought not burn?"  Literally, there were dozens of people sitting next to the fire, and no one was moving.  I was in no position to do anything myself, because I was in the booth which is enclosed on 3 sides, and on my 4th side I was hemmed in by a video camera that we'd set up to record the cantata.  I didn't know what to do, so I looked over in panic at the associate pastor and mouthed (so as not to disturb the congregation or preacher) "FIRE!"  I don't think he understood what I was saying, because he just looked confused.  So I pointed (in what I thought was a subtle way, but was told afterwards that I was basically flailing my arms) and panic whispered "THAT. THING. IS. ON. FI-YER!"  What I lacked in volume I apparently made up with panic in my eyes.  He walked over, grabbed the arrangement, and cool as a cucumber escorted it outside and put it out.  Seriously, the man was carrying a tray of fire and he didn't turn a hair.

Me?  I was a giggling mess.  I guess that's what panic does to me... it makes me giggle-snort.  Oy vey.  The smell of burning plastic and florist's foam was strong, but the damage was surprisingly minimal.  The only thing that suffered was the hurricane chimney, the candle and the burnt arrangement, of course.  I'm glad that it didn't become engulfed completely, because the glass could have shattered and hurt several people, not to mention spreading to the wooden window sill and the carpet underneath it.  Whew. 

I still don't understand why no one sitting over there moved.  I mean, I suppose that they didn't want to disturb the sermon,  It was burning. Flames. The flowers were on fire! Inside the church something was on fire. No one batted an eye.  THAT'S NOT NORMAL!!!!!!    I don't think our pastor would have minded a bit of shuffling about if it meant that the fire was put out.  Oh, well...all's well that ends well, I guess.  Thank goodness.

Oh, and as an added bonus, I got stuck under the sound booth desk before services started.  It was my own stupid fault, though.  I had to make an important phone call, but I couldn't leave the sanctuary because I had to babysit some A/V equipment (we worship in the ghetto...what can I say) that didn't belong to the church.  I was alone in the sanctuary, but I didn't want to make the call where my voice would echo around the room in case anyone came in, so I crawled under the desk and made my call.  I somehow got tangled up and couldn't get out.  I spent a full five minutes struggling before I  managed to crawl out, but not before people came in and saw me under there. 

SIGH.  It's been an interesting day.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Last night, Steve and I attended a Christmas party at the home of a man who is important in his company.  Honestly, I wish I could tell you exactly what the man does, but I'm not sure because I got confused while Steve was trying to explain.  All I know is that he's an important guy.

(By the way: don't worry, I'm not here to ruin Steve's career by telling weird tales about strange things that went on at the party, I promise!  One internet ruined career in the family is enough.)

Anyway, the party was lovely, and the host and his family were so nice and welcoming, and the house...OMG the house.  It was probably the most beautiful family home I've ever been in.  I mean that literally.  It was a big, gorgeous farm-house and I completely fell in love with it.  It looked like something Martha Stewart would live in.  They also had these sweet dogs, one giant (and I mean huge) black lab, a springer spaniel, and two little fox terriers (?) who ran around looking for dropped food.

Anyone who guesses that I spent most of my time there with the dogs wins a cookie.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

I am just not good at cocktail party mingling, I guess.  I never really learned how to do that sort of drive-by, party chatting thing.  I wish I did, because when I'm put in that position, I always feel like I'm doing it wrong.  I don't remember ever being this shy when I was younger, but now when I'm at a gathering, unless I know the people around me, I feel like a bear in a tutu, riding around on a unicycle.  I don't know if that makes sense, but that is about as apt as I can be.  I feel clumsy and goofy, and like I'm saying and doing the wrong thing the whole time. I honestly tried not to do or say anything weird.  It was harder than it sounds, though, because when I don't know what to say, I generally start talking about the first things that pop into my head and that is usually something abnormal.  I can't help it!  That's just where my mind goes when I'm nervous.  I think I managed to blend in with everyone pretty well, except for one awkward second when I hugged one of the catering staff in a moment of not-knowing-what-else-to-do-edness.  I'm sure he felt violated, but hopefully he just thought I was drunk or something.  I wasn't...but still. 

I know that some of you are probably thinking that I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think of me.  If so...congratulations for having high self esteem and for not knowing what it feels like to constantly second-guess everything you do.  I don't know why I feel this way!  I hate it!  I'd like to think I'm generally charming and easy to talk to...but it's like my brain switches off during these situations and after everything is over, I have no idea what I've said to whom.  I'm going to have to start wearing a spy cam or something to record what I do so that I can at least know whether or not I should go into hiding for a while.

Anyways, I know I'm not the only person to feel this way, but I really wish I didn't worry so much.  At least I know for a fact that I didn't destroy anything or set anything on fire...and that is probably the best I can expect in a situation like that!  :)

Saturday, December 03, 2011


1) I hate my cell phone.  I hate it so hard.  If it weren't for the abject fear of something bad happening to someone I love and me not being reachable to be told, only to find out about it on the news or something later on, I'd burn it and dance around the flames like a pagan.  Blerg.  Sorry, that was a bit dramatic, wasn't it!  :)  Actually, I just don't like cell phones in general.  Past the point of being a good emergency tool or whatever, I just think they're intrusive.  I also think that they have caused the public at large to forget basic manners.  Honestly, has anyone noticed how it is now completely acceptable to ignore people around you while people watch movies, or play video games, while sitting in a restaurant? What about having loud conversations (not important ones) while walking around a store?  I'm not even counting myself out of this, because I've done it too. have to keep the stupid things charged all of the time!  GAH!  I think that's what has brought on my hatred of my cell phone, in truth.  I don't use my phone that often anymore, and because I'm not constantly looking at it, sometimes the battery just dies without me noticing.  That's usually when someone calls or sends me a text message and when I don't see it for a couple of days it just looks like I'm ignoring them when I'm not! 

Yes, this rant was brought on by the fact that one of my aunts (who doesn't normally call me) called me and left a message to call her back and I had no idea until I charged my phone.  Even the voice mail didn't tell me when she called, so she probably thinks I'm avoiding her.  Now I'm sitting here, waiting for a decent time to call her back.

(All the other ranty stuff I said above is still true, but today my ire is because of the battery thing.  I just figured if I'm going to rant about my phone, I'd just get in all of the salient points.)

2)  We had a lovely Thanksmas, thanks for asking!  There was lots of cooking, which I enjoy immensely, presents and great food at Greg & Kristin's place, and Jon and Amy took us on an adventure to the Mall of Georgia and to a place called H-Mart in Duluth (YOU CAN'T HANDLE DULUTH!).  H-Mart is a giant, Asian grocery store with all manner of interesting things I'd never seen before!  My only issue with the place stemmed from their meat section.  Along with the things I'm used to were things I didn't know people would, or could, eat.  It was like a menu from the Leatherface Cafe or something!  I don't mean to sound culturally insensitive...but why would anyone want to eat a pig uterus?  Steve and I had fun picking out lots of strange (to us, anyways) snacks and things to take home with us. We watched the Iron Bowl too, and I cheered for Alabama on behalf of my dad.  I think I've realized it just makes me sad to watch Bama play, though.  It just reminds me of Papa and how much he enjoyed it. I miss him a lot.

Also, and hold on to your shorts people...I held a baby that didn't scream or vomit on me!  WOOOT!  You have no idea how rare that is.  Jack is a sweet baby. :)  Also, he probably just thought I was his mom because I look so much like her.  I say that with apologies to Kristin, of course...I hope she isn't offended.

3) I am an idiot.

OK, you don't have to agree so heartily, you know.  :(

Heh, actually, I actually did a very stupid thing yesterday that makes me feel like an idiot.  I was in Target looking for a watch battery.  My watch has the battery number on the back of it, but the number didn't match any of the numbers on the packaging.  Brilliant me decided to pull out my Swiss Army knife and pry the back of the watch off so that I could look at the battery itself.  I thought it would be fairly easy to do, but the knife blade skipped and sliced partially through the pad of my thumb on my left hand.  I honestly had no idea that the knife was sharp enough to actually cut anything!  For some reason I kept trying to pry the back of my watch off for another few seconds (probably because I was really invested by this point) but my hand started to bleed too much, so I had to rummage around in my purse for a wet-nap.  I managed not to bleed on anything, but we had to go to the pharmacy and buy band-aids and Neosporin. 

I never managed to figure out what kind of battery I needed, so to add insult to injury, my watch is still running slow.

4) We had a "Hanging of the Greens" thing at our church today!  It was the first time we've ever done anything like that before and it was very nice!  We had a lot of good music and now the sanctuary looks very festive.  I had no idea what to expect from a "Hanging of the Greens" but quite literally, we hung up garland and wreaths, and lit the Christmon it was aptly named!

Now I'm super tired, though. We didn't get a chance to come home in between services today because we were working to get the Christmon tree assembled and decorated.  We also had to figure out how to make some of the christmons last another year until I can go back and remake them.  Some of the large symbols are completely falling apart, and we had to wire them together so that they'd stay on the tree.  The big ornaments were made by my late, great mother-in-law, so they are very special to people in the church and they hate to replace them, but if they want to keep having a Christmon tree, they will have to be remade.  I'm lucky they want me to do it.  Keeping it in the family, I suppose.  I'm hoping to update them a little bit and make them more sturdy, but I have to get the book so that I know what each symbol entails.  I'll have all of next year to work on them, so hopefully I can make them look nice!  :)

Friday, December 02, 2011

A Quicky

I've got things to talk about...oh yes.  But believe it or not, I'm busy.  Freelancing, plus Christmas time stuff, makes Kelly a dull blogger.  However, I had to share this bit of frustrating minutia:

I was flossing, as I have obsessively done since the root canal 3 years ago, and the dental floss caught in between two of my molars and broke.  Not only did it break, a wad of it got wedged in between those teeth and refused to move.  I grabbed another strand of floss, thinking I'd just floss out the first bit of floss, but the wedged floss was in there so tight that I couldn't get the new floss in between my teeth to get it out.  The new strand snapped in half when I tried!

I was then in the strange position of getting dental floss stuck in between my teeth, while flossing my teeth, and being unable to floss the floss out from between my teeth with more floss.  (Yo, Dawg...)

Huh.  However, the story has a happy ending!

Luckily, I have a permanent wire appliance glued to the back of my top teeth to correct the hillbilly gap I was born with, and I remembered I had a handful of those blue, plastic floss threaders that look like flat embroidery needles.  I was able to go in from above the stuck floss and get it out.

Dental hygiene shouldn't be this complicated.