Friday, February 12, 2016


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with the absolute worst feeling. I don't know what I was dreaming, but it must have been awful to wake up feeling like that.  It was all muzzy and unformed and I couldn't protect my brain from it because I wasn't all the way awake.

It was like my family leaving me at the airport on purpose with no way home and no way to call anyone to come and get me and no money for a cab, and even if I could get someone to let me borrow a phone, no matter who I called, no one would admit to leaving me at the airport.  It's the way I feel when I have the panic dreams where no one will give me a straight answer to my questions. Bleh.  It was irrational and panicky and I literally started picking apart everything I'd done and said in the past week or two to try and figure out what I'd done to make everyone hate me. I felt completely abandoned, and it didn't help that Steve had gotten up to get a drink, so when I did wake up I actually was alone. I even started composing apology letters to people in my head, just in case.

I even made Steve talk to me about what I could have done when he finally came back to bed, and trust me, he hates my irrational fears and the fact that I need to talk about them sometimes!

I know that none of this makes sense.

I'm not the only person I know that this happens to. It's a weird thing and I hate it!  I wonder why it never happens that we wake up in the middle of the night and think "Hey, remember that time you did this awesome thing? Oh, and think of all the people who love you and think you're great! You were really funny the other day. Your friends would never in a million years abandon you without closure or even get angry without explaining why! Bask in the warmth and safety of your life! You've never once made a truly bad decision, and even if you had, it won't ruin everything!"  Heh. That would be nice!

No, it's always the worst things that pop into my head. least I was sufficiently awake to decide to go to the gym super early.  So, silver lining?

Haha, I hate morning brain!

Just in case, though... please still love me! I didn't do it, whatever it was, on purpose! Probably. :)

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