MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Ugh.  One of our long time church deacons passed away yesterday, and I have been helping set up certain aspects of the funeral service.  It's never easy to help with a funeral, but I'm glad to do it because people in mourning aren't usually in the right frame of mind to handle all the little details that they want taken care of.  My particular job is to handle the A/V for the service, and that means I make sure the music that they want is available, that the photo slide shows are created, and that the service is set up to run smoothly.  Not a fun job, but one I am suited for, I guess.

Today I was working on putting everything together in the sanctuary computer so that when I get the order of service, I can put everything where it needed to go.  The family had sent me a list of 3 songs that had to be downloaded to be included in the service, and because of the program we use to run services (it's specific to churches to make things flow) I had to run the files within that program to make sure that we had the music in its entirety. One song was the Navy song, "Anchors Aweigh," one song was a hymn, and one song was "Go Rest High On That Mountain."  Damnit.

That song.  That damnable song.  I cry every time I hear it.  There are reasons, which I will not go into here, that it punches me right in the feelings and I can't get through it with any dignity.  Today, though, (and I'll explain why further down) I thought that I was going to make it all the way through with no problem.  I was sitting in the back of the church, singing along, thinking to myself that I was doing very well and then BOOM! Snotty, ugly, full on sobbing.  I couldn't stop.  Even when the song was over, I had to sit there and collect myself before going back into the office.

To add insult to injury, I had decided to wear what I thought was waterproof mascara today, only to find out that it was most assuredly NOT water proof.  I looked like a psychotic racoon.  Also, wiping my eyes caused both of my contacts to fold in half and slide into the corners of my eyes, which, if you've ever worn contacts, you know hurts like the devil.  So I had to go into the bathroom and try and repair my face and my eyes, and after all the sobbing and such, I looked like a sad, asthmatic clown and all I wanted to do was go home and eat a whole bag of potato chips.  Chips help sadness.  It's science.

How in the world am I supposed to actually run this stuff during the service on Saturday, when I can't even get through the one song when setting it up?  Oy.

2) OMG, I am so embarrassed!  I had to go run some errands earlier this week, and when I got out to the car, I clicked the remote to open the doors, heard them unlock, and then tried to open the door.  I say tried, because the door didn't move, but I know that it had unlocked because I'd heard the click. Turns out, it wasn't my car.  It wasn't a Volkswagen and it wasn't even really the same shape as my car.  The only thing it WAS, was red. My car was parked right next to the one I tried to open, which is why I heard the locks click, but apparently I walked right past it.

Seriously, folks, how do I still not know what my car looks like?  Granted, I drove the Seabring for 12 years, but still, I've never had this much trouble learning my new cars when I change one.   I'm going to have to get some stickers or something for the back window, because I need some sort of indicator that I'm actually at my own vehicle.  This is getting embarrassing!

3) I mentioned in my last entry that my doctor had put me on antidepressants (to help me with panic attacks) and I hate them. No, let me rephrase. I HAAAAAAAAAAATE THEM!


Now, I know this is going to sound kind of personal, but I hope you won't mind if I kind of describe the experience I'm having with this medication as things progress. It takes several weeks before it establishes itself into your chemical makeup, so changes come in stages.  I've had to take this kind of stuff at least twice before in my life (for different reasons) and this is the first time I've been so aware of the changes it's making as it's actually happening.  I think it'll help me to talk about it a little.

I've already told you about how I can't focus and how I'm gaining weight at an alarming pace.  The weight thing I expected, because the universe is a terrible place, but not being able to focus on anything is hard!  I already have the attention span of a ferret with ADHD, but now it's worse!  I'm either unable to sleep, or so tired I fall asleep whenever I sit down. I think the worst of it, though, is that now that the medicine has begun to work on my brain chemicals, I'm beginning to notice times when my feelings are getting numb.  Not all of them, of course, because that would make the most sense, but I don't really feel happy or joy or anything like that.  During those times, if I feel anything, I mostly feel sad, scared or irritated.  I also have times when I don't want to do anything at all.  I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to read, or do crafts, or do my graphics work, or go anywhere.  I just want to lie in bed and not do anything except communicate by email and internet, because it feels less complicated than real life.  It feels exactly like being in a deep depression, only without the depression. That part actually scares me the most, because I've been a zombie on this type of medication before, and it makes you not care about anyone or anything. I don't want to be like that again.  I'm afraid of the toll that it will take on my friendships and relationships.  There are people I love so much, and what if I can't show them? Will I stop contacting them, or cut myself off from everyone?  Will I start feeling like I don't need them anymore?  I really, really don't want to do that to anyone.  Not that anyone really relies on me, I guess, but the people I love, I love a lot, so what if I start avoiding them?  What if someone needs me?  Will I be able to help them? What will happen when I'm taken off of this medicine at some point?  Will I have irreparably scarred my friendships by not being emotionally available, or even physically available?  I'm concerned that all of that will happen, even though it might not be as bad as all of that, but it's a possibility!  I don't want to hurt anyone! I don't have a surplus of friends, and I'd like to keep the ones I have, if you please.  It sucks.  I'm thankful, at this point at least, that I don't feel like that all of the time.  I can pull myself out of the funk and be somewhat normal, but it's when I'm not actively trying to engage with people that I slip into that...blah-ness.  So I guess I'm sort of letting everyone know, before I go into that possible trance-esque state, that I still love you and will be back to normal as soon as I can! Please don't go anywhere! 

You have no idea how much I wish I didn't need to be put on this stuff.  I'd just like to have a normal brain, please!  Well, as normal as could be I guess, haha.  I guess at this point it's better than having a panic attack and thinking I'm dying. That'll be my silver lining for today!

4) Today is the last day of summer!  Woo-Hoo!  Everyone pull out the tall boots and the sweaters!  Of course, it'll still be in the 80s up until December here, but I like the idea of fall at least!  Bring on the colored leaves!