Tuesday, May 24, 2022

I feel like I need to apologize.

I mean, I know I don't have to, but I feel like I need to. 

I know that I haven't seemed like my old self lately. Maybe I've even been kind of a bummer. The world needs less of that.

I've suffered some very painful losses over the past couple of months and that is something that has affected my mood and my brain and the things that I put out into the universe. Add to that, my body is doing some recalibrations, both physically and chemically, and that also has affected me quite a bit while I'm trying to get used to those changes. 

More than anything in the world, I want to be a source of light and happiness and laughter for the people who know me. I want to make people smile and laugh, and I want to help people have a better day. Lately I haven't felt like I've been doing any of that. 

(Well, unless you got a big kick out of me trying Delta 8 and nearly dying of sensory overload, and in that case, you're welcome. Heehee.)

I don't know how to explain how I've been feeling, except that I don't seem to find much joy in anything right now. That's not exactly right, because I can go out and do things, even enjoy those things, but I tend to find myself fazing out halfway through whatever it is and wishing I was back home. I have to force myself to do those things. I have zero desire to go anywhere, or do anything, or talk to anyone, but I make myself do that stuff so I don't just stay home and sleep all of the time. I literally have to give myself pep talks to meet Steve and his work friends for dinner, or agree to watch movies, and stuff like that. I even have to make myself use social media because it feels pointless. The second I'm done with whatever it is, it's like something has turned the light off.

It isn't even like depression, at least not like I've experienced it before. It's nothing. It's not even like I'm feeling beige. I feel blank. Not, you know, psychopathic blank - don't worry about that - but just...like looking at a blank wall with no pictures. I can't find my sparkle. I know it's out there somewhere, and I know it'll come back at some point, but for now, it's gone. No sparkle, no color, no fire. Like a prism covered in thick dust.

BUT...but...I'm trying hard to get it back. I miss it. I just wanted to apologize in case anything I've written here (or anywhere else that you might follow me, if you haven't muted me by now, at least) has done anything to bum you out, or make you feel blah. That's never my intention. 

Oh, and just so you know, this isn't a cry asking for anyone to tell me how awesome I am. I know that when I'm on my game, I'm a fricking delight. All I'm asking for is for your patience (and to not abandon me) as I adjust to things, and hopefully I'll get my sparkle back soon.

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

HOW LONG CAN IT LAST?

I'm seriously going to have to stop trying weird things from farmer's markets.

A couple of weekends ago, Steve and I went to our favorite farmer's market. We usually go to this particular one because the Mennonite Lady (I don't know her name) who keeps a booth there has the best bread I've ever stuck in my face. We also sometimes buy squash, or peaches, or coffee, or meat from the Meat Lady (I also don't know her name) but unless something particular catches our eye, we tend to stick with those things. However, on this particular day, something new did catch our eye.

There was a booth that had some small packets and bottles that we had never seen before, so we walked up and the nice fellow behind the table started telling us about their products. Apparently there is a hemp farm a couple of counties west of us, and the stuff they were selling were products that were infused with CBD and Delta 8. I had heard of CBD before, and had even tried some to help control my back pain for a while, but didn't see any effects whatsoever. As for what Delta 8 was, I had no clue. The guy was explaining that it's completely legal and was not THC (I do know what that is) but it had some similar properties. He even opened one of the little bags and gave both of us a little gummy square to try. I figured, why not? Certainly if he can give us a sample at a farmer's market, it couldn't be all bad. My main takeaway was that it's supposed to help you relax, and boy did I need to relax.

The last few weeks have been a patchwork of different kinds of suck and sleeping/relaxing has been difficult, so we bought some of the gummy squares to keep until we needed them and went on our way. I figured maybe it would keep me from needing to take my anxiety pills as often. The sample one he gave us didn't do anything throughout the day other than make me slightly sleepy, really, so I figured that if nothing else they might help me go to sleep if I had trouble doing so.

Skip forward a day. I'd spent the afternoon with my family in Athens for Mother's Day, and had just gotten home. Steve (who'd been with his dad) had gotten home just after I did and we decided to take our traditional Sunday afternoon nap. I had the bright idea to see if the gummies would help us sleep better, so we each took one (and they were twice the dosage of the sample we'd had the day before, but still not strong.) We didn't end up sleeping right away. We decided to watch a couple of episodes of Fringe to unwind from the day before we napped. There was no effect from the gummies at all. I figured that whatever Delta 8 is, it wasn't going to bother us, so I didn't think about them again until I stood up when the two episodes were over.

I don't know if it was because I hadn't been moving around, or if the food I'd had for lunch slowed down the effect of whatever it was supposed to do, but I was so incredibly woozy that I decided I needed to go lie down immediately. I felt drunk, but not drunk. It's hard to explain. You know how if you've been swimming for a long time and you get out of the pool, you sometimes still feel a bit like you're floating? I felt like that. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't normal. I figured that was the relaxing part finally kicking in. Steve felt the same. It was like it was on a timer. We lay down and talked for a minute or two and Steve fell asleep. I did not. I did the opposite of falling asleep.

I don't know if it reacted with some of my medications, or if it hit my bloodstream too fast, or if I metabolize things differently now that I only have 20% of my original stomach, but I was no longer relaxed. In fact, I'm fairly certain that if I hadn't been lying down, I might have crawled right up onto the ceiling like Spider Man. It was one of the worst sensations I'd ever felt in my life. Every single nerve ending in my body felt like it grew horns made of electricity. I literally couldn't relax my muscles. It was like being hooked up to a TENS machine on the highest setting. I was in a state of complete sensory overload and it scared the crap out of me. I tried to wake Steve up, but he couldn't wake up enough to help me. The stuff put him out like a light. He said "I can't help you, I'm sleeping." and that was the last thing he said. I couldn't calm down. It was physically like the worst anxiety attack I'd ever had in my life, but my mind was at least not as muddled. I was afraid I was allergic to it or something like that, but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Ripples of what felt like electricity went through my body and it wouldn't stop. I tried to get up and go into another room so I wouldn't focus solely on the horrible feeling I had, but it was too much input to my brain. Walking down the hall felt like experiencing an earthquake. My teeth chattered and any movement of my head or hands felt too...much. I finally ran back and sat on the bed to try and calm down. It didn't work. If I had sneezed while feeling like that, I might have literally exploded. The only thing I could think to do was put on a pair of headphones and watch a video online. I didn't know if it would help, but I had to focus on something or I thought I'd fly to pieces. So for the next couple of hours, I made myself watch YouTube videos until the horrible tingly feeling backed off a bit. It was awful. The sounds were too loud and the lights were too bright, but the only way I could calm down was to focus on the videos. I finally yanked off the headset and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't do anything other than try to relax my muscles and that took hours. I think I finally slept for a while, but it was more from exhaustion than because I was in any way relaxed.

Do you know how long it lasted before I felt normal again? Over 24 hours. I had to go to work feeling like I had live wires running under my skin and I had to behave normally while doing it. It was the worst out-of-control feeling I've ever had in my life and that includes being sedated for surgeries. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. That stuff was being sold next to tomatoes and jellies and was supposed to be relaxing and safe! It wasn't relaxing at all! At least not to me!

Now, don't come for my neck and tell me I shouldn't have tried something I wasn't familiar with.That is obvious. To be fair, the lower dosage one didn't do anything remotely like that to me, so I thought it was safe. I've also never used THC before and had no frame of reference, so maybe I didn't understand what something similar was supposed to do in general. All I know is that I'm going to dig a deep hole and bury the rest of those accursed gummy squares in the backyard so that I never have to be in the same room with them again. I also have zero desire to ever try anything remotely close to them again. I'll take my anxiety and trouble sleeping over that feeling any day.

PS: Steve slept for a solid 14 hours and barely moved the whole time. The bastard.

Monday, May 02, 2022

A GOOD MAN

The world lost a good man on Sunday morning.

Capping off a spectacularly shitty April, and now moving into a probably similar May, my uncle, Garry Puckett, passed away after a fight with a long term illness.

He is Steve's uncle, technically, but I've been lucky with all of my in-laws and they all loved and accepted me immediately. He might as well have been my own blood. He was a good, gentle, kind, and funny man and the world is a lesser place now that he is gone.

I'm not good with words. I know people who could write beautiful paragraphs about someone's character, but I'm too clumsy. I mean, I could write a lot of words, but I don't think they would be the right ones. I think I've mentioned this before, but if I could cut myself open and spread out my feelings onto a table, it would be easier to show people how I feel about things than for me to try and explain.

Death is a weird thing. It can be sudden and cruel, it can linger, or it can be a relief. Uncle Garry had been sick and sad for a long time, so I believe death came as a friend to him. He was ready. He said as much. It doesn't make those of us he left behind hurt any less, but it helps us to hurt differently; maybe less sharply, and less raw.

I will miss him.  

That is all I have to say about that.