Ack. I totally just blanked on my co-worker's name. I don't mean I just couldn't remember it for a second, I mean I couldn't remember it at all. I had to go and ask him. Well, I went to ask him and then remembered his name when I was looking at him, but it was scary! Scary and kind of embarrassing, because when I went into his office and started to ask, I suddenly shouted out "ANDREW! Your name is Andrew!" I'm glad he has a sense of humor.

Something is wrong with my brain, seriously. My perspective of time is all out of whack and I'm forgetting really random, yet completely familiar, things. Steve went to help Anthony sort out a computer problem the other day and he left while I was reading something on the internet. I looked up at the clock and thought "Good grief, he's been gone for an hour! It's not time for him to be there yet, but he's gone! Where did he go?" I called his cell and he was in the car driving over there. He had only been gone for 15 minutes. It was really strange. I was so confused that it scared me. That has happened more than once over the past couple of weeks. Does stress do this to people? Anyone? Bleh. I'm not old enough for memory issues of this magnitude.

In other news, we just got back from a week long trip to St. Louis, which was fun. I couldn't "Blog Along the Way" because I didn't have much access to a computer, but I'll tell you all about it when my brain is back in working order. Wait...no. I'll tell you about it before then, because that could take years! I'll post about it soon. :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Now that I'm fairly established as the "Friendly Neighborhood Sign Lady" (and yes, I sign emails that way when sending something out en masse) I am given a bit more leeway to do different things with my special event signage. The standard signs are white, with red and blue borders, a SpRocket logo at the top and "welcomes" the name or logo of the group having the event. However, since we've built the Davidson Center, we are getting more things like wedding receptions and rehearsal dinners and a lot of our guests want signs that match their wedding colors or invitations or whatever. That probably would have been a no-go at some point, but now that we are hurting for money, people who pay get what they want! :) I like doing the wedding and rehearsal dinner signs because it gives me a chance to do a bit more design work than usual and I get to use fonts other than Helvetica Black. Occasionally I get a request for an culturally specific event that I'm completely clueless about, so I have to be very careful about colors or symbols or whatever. Yesterday I got a request for a sign for something called a Simcha, which the internet tells me is a Jewish celebration that can be for anything. I am not Jewish and I know all of one Jewish person (and as far as I know, she is from a Jewish family but doesn't follow the lifestyle). Ergo, I was lost. At any rate, since it was for a rehearsal dinner, I knew I didn't have to be too specific with traditions, even if I did want to be sensitive about their traditions. So, I researched and downloaded things and did a lot of rearranging and starting over until I had what I believed was both appropriate and pretty. Then I checked to see what wording was requested for the sign and it said "Shalom, Y'all". I kid you not. I was not aware that we had Jewish rednecks in Huntsville, or anywhere else in the world, but there you go. You learn something new everyday. SIGH.

2) I watched a very scary movie on YouTube yesterday! Normally I can watch scary movies and they don't bother me, but this one was freaky. It's called [REC] and it's basically the Spanish-language original that the movie "Quarantine" is based on. Steve hates horror movies, so I knew I'd have to wait until it came out on DVD before I'd get a chance to see Quarantine, so I decided to watch the original with the subtitles. If you like scary movies, I suggest you watch this one (you can find it on Google Video, too). It's very claustrophobic and freaky. I watched it during my lunch break yesterday and I was listening to it with my earphones in. There were a lot of jump-out-at-you moments, so I can only imagine the sounds coming from my office: silence then "AHHH!" more silence then "NOOO!" It was the kind of movie that made it hard for me to sleep, so it must have been scary. The only other movie that does that to me is The Exorcist, and I refuse to watch that one ever again.

3) My voice is almost gone. I ran out of allergy meds on the same day that I had to replace a sign outside. The sign is planted in a built up flower bed that is about waist high on me and the flowers poked me in the face the whole time. I have been fighting my body's urge to get any worse, and I even bought the kind of allergy medicine that you have to get by giving a DNA sample and 8 forms of identification to the pharmacy. If I but anything else with pseudoephedrine in it in the next couple of days, the FBI will come and cart me off. I'm on their Meth watch list now, I suppose. Of course, we also have the nice cough syrup that Steve got the last time his allergies were acting up, so I take that too. It makes me all warm and tingly. DARN POLLEN. It's freaking October! Go away already!

Hello :)

It's been a while, but I'll be honest, I haven't really felt like writing lately.

No, don't worry, everything is OK right now and hopefully getting better as the days go on. I've just been in a kind of "blah" about everything, including my blog. Blasphemy, I know. I suppose it's my subconscious' way of saying "Well, you just spent 3 1/2 months in a kind of borderline insane/hurt/losing-ones-mind hell, so maybe we'll just try to see what it's like to be calm and a bit bored for a while, shall we?" My subconscious is cool like that, sometimes.

(This next part is a bit personal, so for anyone sensitive to that kind of thing who doesn't want to read it, you can go now.)

So here's an update: things have been better for the past couple of weeks. Steve and I are working on making things better and I'm trying very hard to deal with everything that happened without going crazy. It isn't easy, but I'm doing OK with it. My main problem right now, even though it isn't a constant issue, is being angry. Not mad, not irritated, but ANGRY. It's a scary feeling, because I don't have much (if any) experience with true anger and I don't like it. I can be rolling along, feeling fine, and then it hits me and I find myself standing there shaking and wanting to hurt people. It ruins my day. I know I could never hurt any of them as bad as they did me, but I want to try. I want to make them suffer and I hate the way that feels. I now understand why wrath is one of the 7 deadly sins, because it feels evil. However, I'm working on dealing with the anger and I think I'm doing OK. Please don't think I'm going to wind up on a roof with a sniper rifle or anything like that, though. :) Apparently it is a level of the grief process, which our counselor said I would go through, and that it's normal, but I really hope it goes away soon. I pray for the anger to be taken away and to be given charity, like it says in 1 Corinthians 13, in its place. I'm certain that I'll have that in time. I just wish it was soon.

Other than that, things seem to be going OK. We have good days and not so good days, but we are both trying to figure out how to do the things for each other that need to be done. It's an ongoing process and there is always the chance we just can't fix it, but so far so good. I'm kind of a basket case at times, but honestly, I believe I have the right to be. Don't you?

I know that some of you don't understand why I didn't just leave and take everything with me, but that never seemed like the right thing to do, to me at least. On TV and the movies, it seems so cut and dried. When something like that happens, there is nothing you can do but turn your back and walk away. However, it wasn't like that for me at all. I had so many people giving me advice and telling me what I should do, I just ended up confused. It's not that I didn't appreciate the advice, and it wasn't that it was bad advice (most of it was excellent, actually), but I knew I'd eventually have to make up my own mind about how to deal with things no matter what I was told. After many "dark nights of the soul" I finally just had to tell God to take it, because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I couldn't deal with it mentally, physically or emotionally any longer or I probably would have literally gone insane. When I finally lay it down, things began to get easier. I believe that we are doing the right thing at this point, and not just because it was what I originally wanted. It's not easy. I know that quite a few of you who read this blog don't really believe in God and probably think I've deluded myself into following this path out of some kind of martyr's obligation. I can respect that, I guess. It's not true, but I can respect it. I just also hope that you realize I'm not nearly as naive as that. :)

Anyways, enough of that. I just wanted to get that out of the way so that I can hopefully move on and write about nice things here again. I miss being silly and would like to get back to it as soon as I can.

This amuses me.

Hello! I hope no one is offended if they tried to call or e-mail me last week. Steve and I went on a trip to Myrtle Beach, so I was kind of out of pocket. I wasn't ignoring you, I promise. We just needed to get away for a few days, and we did. It was nice.

The trip went really well. We stayed in a nice place called Carribean Resort & Villas, which was one of the last hotels on the shore before you get to the private sea-side houses (one of which I'm going to live in one day...hopefully) and it was much nicer than I was expecting. I thought that Myrtle Beach was just another cheesy beach town like Panama City, FL. Not that I'm saying Panama City doesn't have merits, but it is kind of skeezy in places. :) We were there from Tuesday to Friday, so we even missed the weekend traffic. It was quiet, with things winding down from the tourist season, but we did manage to get there right in the middle of the Biker Convention. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of the bikers asked me to be their old lady, but there's always next year!

I got up super early on Wednesday morning to watch the sun rise over the ocean. I couldn't find anything on TV that would tell me what time the sun was supposed to come up, so I finally just went down with my chair and waited it out. It was beautiful, and I got a lot of nice pictures of the sun coming up. I'll post a few here later on. I watched the sun come up, took pictures for myself, took pictures for an elderly couple who wanted to be together in front of the sunrise, and collected shells. There weren't that many nice shells out this time of year, at least not ON the beach, but I found quite a few I liked. I'm a scavenger. Don't judge me. It wasn't all lovely, though. When I was getting ready to go back inside, I felt something hit me, but didn't think anything of it. It was only later, when I was putting away some clothes, that I noticed that a sea gull pooped on me and that is what I felt hit me. I mean seriously, there were only about 6 seagulls out there, there were dozens of people, and it pooped on me. Figures. I also managed to get attacked by a fairly unusually large wave. Steve was watching me get into the water, and I'm not kidding when I say that the biggest wave I'd seen all day rose up righteous and body slammed me into a bed of broken sea shells and drug me along. It probably didn't take that long for me to get free and get back on the beach, but it felt like I was tossed around for an hour. I had sand and crushed sea shells in places that I didn't realize I had, enough sand in my bathing suit bottoms to build a castle, and I don't know how I did it, but the top of my suit was filled with tiny sea shells, too. Steve was laughing at me when I finally got out and struggled back to our beach chairs, but he stopped when he realized I was bleeding from two very abraded places on my left leg. Those hastared shells were SHARP. I managed not to bleed on too much, but I stayed out of the ocean after that. We spent the rest of our outdoor time that day in the pool and in the lazy river that our hotel had. I am also not sure what kind of seashells got into my suit and on to my skin, but they stuck tight and wouldn't come off. It took me almost two showers to get all of them off. I was still finding pieces of the shells in my hair over the next two days!

Wednesday was also the one year anniversary of when my father died, and I don't know what it says about me, but I was glad not to be at home. I spent that morning thinking about him while I walked on the beach. It made me think of the rare times my family got to go on vacation, so they were good thoughts. It helped not being at home where the memories were much less pleasant, even though I probably should have been near my mom and sister. I got to grieve for him in my own way, so I'm not sorry.

We spent the rest of our trip just relaxing, eating, and shopping. I finally got to go to a World Market and a Ripley's Aquarium! We also ate at a place called "The Melting Pot" which was nice, but kind of expensive. I joked with Steve that it was probably the only time I could ever convince him to cook his own dinner. :) It was a really nice trip and I think it helped being away from things for a few days. We got some important talking done, which was good, and we just used the time to try and have fun together, which we did. It was a good trip.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING - Yeah, I've got Blogging ADD

1) Saw the season opener of "The Office" last night and loved it. However, I feel like kind of a huge nerd for being excited that Jim and Pam finally got engaged. Hey, I can live vicariously through fake people's joy, can't I?

2) I got a honey-wheat bagel for breakfast this morning, which was sweet and yummy for the most part. Halfway through, I took a bite from a spot that apparently had been bumped up against a garlic bagel because it went from sweet to OMG, Keeping-Vampires-Away! It hit before I noticed, so I had a bite of strong garlic and grape jelly. I don't recommend that combination. Bleck.

3) Today is my last day of work before my annual lay-off. I'll only be off a week instead of two, but I don't mind. Maybe I'll go on a trip or something, who knows? I kind of wish I didn't have to be anywhere around here next week, because Wednesday will mark the one year anniversary of the day my dad died and the beginning of a whole year of complete, fucking sucktitude. I know that sounds overly dramatic to some of you, but alas, it's the truth. When the one day of the year that was actually good was my birthday (and you know how my birthdays usually go) then that should be proof enough for you. I want the good things in my life back. I miss them.

Somehow, this only makes me want him more.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) It's official. I'm addicted to Iron Chef. Ever since I found out I can watch the original Japanese version on YouTube, it's all I seem to do when I have the time. I like the American version of the show a lot, but there is something about Chairman Kaga that makes me smile. I also like the fact that they dub the voices with people who sound like they are commentating for Monday Night Football. Good stuff.

2) I didn't go to the gym this morning because I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I woke up, I argued with myself, I shamed myself and I still didn't go. That is not a good way to deal with exercise. Too bad I can't just do it in my sleep.

3) I fell down in the kitchen last night while on my way to throw something away. My big toe got caught in my pajama pants cuff and I just went over. Hard. I skinned my wrist and banged my elbow on my left side, and I have bruises on my right knee. I just kind of lay in the floor for a while in a daze. Such is my life lately, I suppose.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I need to get gas, badly. I meant to get some last Monday when I was off from work, but I was too tried after my morning of doctor appointments and errands. Had I known the fuel-price insanity that would begin in my town, I would have filled up the tank, the trunk and the back seat too. Now I can't find too many places that even have gas, so I'm boned. I am going to have to find a place on the way home or I'm going to get stuck somewhere.

2) Blerg, I hate fall allergies. I was out of work again last Thursday because of them and I kept dozing off anytime I got still yesterday. Right now I feel as if my muscles are on fire and my sinuses are stuffed with fiberglass insulation. Lots of fun.

3) The Sprocket is going to change it's hours this fall to save some money. They are going to be closed Mondays and Tuesdays from November 1 till some time in February. It won't change my hours, thank goodness, but customer service personnel will be changed. All I really care about is that for a few weeks, we'll be able to do repairs and put things up without having to do it in front of an audience. :)

4) I need to get to work! I've been sitting here doing nothing for long enough. Have a wonderful day, you guys.

Nothing stays the same from day to day. Good things turn into bad things and one decision changes to another with amazing speed. I want the good and happy things. Normal things. I haven't gone crazy yet, so there's that.

I know some of you must think I'm sort of an insufferable whiner or something, but this is honestly very, very hard. Hard for both of us.

Please for more prayers, if you have some to spare.

That is all.

Hi

I just wanted you guys to know I'm still alive. If you've e-mailed or called and haven't heard back from me, it's only because I've been in "Hiding Mode" lately. Please don't think I'm ignoring you or anything. Hopefully I will be more responsive soon. Thanks for checking in with me.

I hope things are well with you all.

Why am I always doing or saying just the wrong thing?

My foot, lost in Oakland, Ca. See the plight kids?

Prayers still, please.

Prayers. Please.

I'm having a very bad panic attack right now. I'm afraid and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm afraid about what I'm going to hear. I really wish everything was back to normal again.

I still have a sad, but I'm wanted to change my picture.
This is my foot in Key Largo. Well, on the side of the road in Key Largo. We were stuck in traffic.

This is my foot at the 17 Mile Drive, near Pebble Beach in California. I'd like to be back there right now, please.

I don't want to go to work today. I want to do something fun.
Here is my foot at the Grand Canyon. My feet didn't enjoy the Grand Canyon as much as the rest of me did.

Several people feel I'm being too personal with my blog entries these days, so I'll just post interesting pictures until things don't feel as personal.

This is a high speed image of a drop of milk. I like it.

Hello.

Just to let you know, things are OK right now. Once again, not good or great, but OK. I can handle OK. I just wish there were some good things to come, but I'm too scared to think too far into the future - especially when it seems like just when something decent could be happening, I get kicked in the face again. I'll just take it one day at a time at this point. If I don't, I'll go crazy.

I keep falling asleep at my desk and drafting table either because I'm not sleeping well at night or because of the anti-anxiety medication. Either way, I hope I don't wake up with an Exacto knife implanted in my face because I dozed off while holding it. Well, even if I do, scars give character, right? Look at Harry Potter....

Things keep changing every few hours, it seems, but I think I'm handling things well for right now. Thanks for coming here to check on me. I like knowing that most of you want to know how I'm doing. For the rest of you who are just being nosey...well, you're welcome here too. I'm not going to blame you for being nosey. I'd probably be nosey too if it weren't my life!

At any rate, I hope things are going well for all of you. Hopefully I'll feel like updating my blog more often, soon.

I am so confused.

Well...not much new to say. Steve didn't file on Monday because we thought it would be better for me to file myself, due to the circumstances. My appointment with the attorney is October 3rd, which is the soonest I could get a consultation with this particular lady. Well, unless Steve decides to find another place so that the documents can be filed sooner. I guess we'll just wait and see. I'm praying for God's will to be done for both of us, and peace in our hearts and minds. I ask that you all do the same thing for us, please.

Also, I need prayers that I can find a safe and affordable place to live.

I'm terribly unhappy and so is Steve. I wish none of this was happening. Pray for us.

I'm not doing so great. I know that's been the norm around here lately, but I think I'm finally at the breaking point and I don't know what to do.

I suppose you will hear it sooner or later, but Steve has decided to file for divorce. He doesn't think that we can do anything to fix things. It's not just about his infidelities anymore, but he tells me that he has been unhappy for a long time. He has been "content" but not happy. I didn't know. I feel like I should have known so that I could have done something to fix it. He told me that if I wasn't willing to have children, then he didn't want to be married to me. He doesn't like to talk to me, or look at me, and if we are going to have to be in the same house for longer than a few hours, he goes off and leaves me here alone. I've become a problem to be avoided, and I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to deserve it. He's not even doing it maliciously, which makes it even harder to understand. I'm not saying any of this to make him out as the bad guy, because I don't think he is. I've failed him in some way that I don't understand. I'm a failure at being a wife and a partner. I didn't mean to be.

I don't know if I can stand it. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not. I'm not strong at all. They don't see me on the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying because it hurts so much. I'm not strong. I'm losing everything and I don't know how to handle it. I'm so sad. Everyone keeps telling me things are going to be alright, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like someone ripping my stomach out and leaving me there to die. I have no choice in the matter. Things just keep getting worse and worse. My friends at the SpRocket won't talk to me anymore either, and I don't know why. Apparently there are some of our friends who told Steve that they thought we should have gotten divorced long ago, but I don't understand why. I was happy. I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong. I'm so stupid!

I've been getting things together and packing them away, and it hurts like someone just died. There are so many pictures of us having fun...I don't know when things changed.

I'm dying inside a little more every day. My whole life is being stolen from me. Everything I've worked for and loved is being taken and I hurt so much. I can't even begin to explain it. I didn't do anything...and now I'm losing everything that matters. I'm not strong and I'm not fine. Maybe I will be one day, but it doesn't feel like it. Things just keep getting worse. I've failed and I'm so sorry.

I went to my individual appointment yesterday, and I suppose it went well. Honestly, I can't remember much of what we talked about except that I babbled and don't know if I actually answered any of her questions directly. She did ask how I felt about everything, I remember that. I also believe I could have talked for another hour and not repeated myself. We mostly talked about Steve and what he did, and I never realized how hard it is to try and explain your life to a complete stranger and not make it sound crazy. Maybe our life has been crazy in some way and I just never realized. I don't know.

Steve went this morning, and I hope she can help him.

This is the first time that I've had absolutely no security in any aspect of my life, and it scares me to death. I don't know how to act, or what to say and not say, and there are so many things that have to be put on hold until I know if I'm even going to be staying married or not. I hate this so much, and there isn't anything I can do to make it better. I hate it. There is no reason that any of this had to happen. NO. DAMN. REASON. AT. ALL. It just hurts too much. However, I have no choice but to deal with it, and I am. I'll be OK. Someday.

For those of you wondering, things are OK. Not great, not good, but OK. At least I have been able to stay home, which helps. Our first individual therapy sessions are this week, and I can only hope they do something positive. A lot of people I've talked to have told me that therapy doesn't really help, but I hope there can at least be some good in there. I need a tiny bit of good. Please?

BROTHER JOSH, THIS IS FOR YOU.

Sorry for the bad picture, but it was the only one of me in official dress that I could find. Click to enlarge.

As you know, my mom got married in June. They didn't have a wedding, per se, but got married by a judge at the courthouse in Athens. My aunts, however, threw them a reception at her house afterwards and my Aunt and I were in charge of taking pictures. When putting the pictures on a disk for her, I took a few minutes and made them a DVD slide show to watch on their TV (they are a bit technologically impaired) and I put it YouTube so they could send the link to their friends. It isn't anything fancy, but I thought I'd share it with all of you, too. I think it's kind of cute. Enjoy.

Hmmmmmm...

I checked the tracking on my blog and realized I've been found by more than one person who has been typing the words "FFA + Pantyhose" into the search engine. Apparently, sometime in the past I have mentioned the time I interviewed for a district officer position (which I didn't get, sadly) and the fake tattoo I had on my ankle (and forgot to take off before the interview) could be seen through my pantyhose.

I can't imagine what would be the purpose of searching for those two particular words together unless there is some strange facet of the FFA (Future Farmers of America, for the unwashed) that wasn't in play during my years in the club. Of course, they could just be curious about official dress for a girl, in which case I might can help. It's been 12 years since I donned the corduroy jacket, but here is what I remember: White shirt with a collar, official FFA ascot (very sexy), black skirt or slacks, hose, black shoes, and the ever stylish National Blue & Corn Gold FFA jacket zipped up.

Hope that helped.

Weirdos.

SIGH.

There are so many things I don't understand anymore.

I can't understand how things can get so completely terrible between two people in such a short about of time. I can't understand how someone can consider throwing away years of their life with someone else without even trying to fight to save them. I can't understand how the things in my life that I've created, loved and worked for could just be discarded without my consent. I can't understand why any of this stuff is happening at all. People keep telling me that all of this is happening for a reason, but I certainly hope it's a GOOD reason.

However, I do know this: I'm going to be OK. Whatever happens, I'm going to be fine. I might not like the road I have to travel, but I'm going to travel it and I'm going to make the best out of whatever hand I'm dealt. I have people in my life who support me and love me and they will help me through all of this. I have to be strong, so I will be. I have to be smart, so I will be. I have to be forgiving, loving, and be able to deal with things that hurt and disappoint, and I will. There have been times lately that I thought I would just rather be dead than to feel as bad as I had been, but I know that isn't true. I didn't cause any of this, but it affects me and I have to deal with it. I'll be OK. I promise.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I finally got my permanent crown this morning and it feels really weird. It isn't that it doesn't fit, but the tooth that was crowned had a filling in it for about 18 years, so it's strange not to fill the little ridges from that. Also, it doesn't feel all huge and awkward like the temporary crown, so I've got to get used to that too. The lady at the dentist office gave me the mold of my mouth that they used to build the crown, and it's mounted on this hinged, pinchy thing. I'm going to scare the hell out of the dogs with that tonight.

2) I think the SpRocket just got buzzed by some kind of military vehicle or something. I was listening to my iPod and messing around with the computer, when my office started to shake. Something sounded like thunder to begin with, but kept getting louder. Then a huge shadow went past the window. It scared me, so I raised the blind on the window and saw a bunch of camp kids looking over the museum. Whatever flew over was both loud and huge. The SpRocket isn't on a flight path with commercial airplanes because of the Saturn V and Space Shot, but we do get military helicopters doing fly-bys occasionally. If that is what it was, it was probably a Chinook or something. It had to be. No little Blackhawk could have made a sound like that. If it wasn't a helicopter, then somebody's got some 'splaining to do.

3) The licensing guy for the SpRocket has asked me to build a model of a proposed building. I build things like that all of the time, but not from engineering schematics. He talked like it was the easiest thing in the world, but I still had to get my boss to print out the basic shape of it so I could put it together. I hope I don't mess anything up. We are going to be showing it to NASA in hopes that they will give us one of the space shuttles once they are decommissioned.
No pressure, right? Heh...

Just FYI, I'm probably going to be going insane if things don't start getting better soon.

Just wanted to let you guys know that in case you see me on the news. I don't want anyone to think it came out of nowhere.

Nah, I'm doing OK. I'm just confused about everything and where it is going. I'll be alright.

We went to our first counseling session this morning. I wasn't expecting much from the doctor since it was our first time there, but we were able to tell her at least the gist of what was going on. She seemed nice enough and she told us that there were no guarantees, but that it was at least worth it for us to try and work things out. We each have to go to an individual session, which I don't mind so much. I suppose she needs to pick our brains separately so that she will know which one of us is the crazy one. Twenty bucks says it's me. :)

The place we went had a lot of people inside waiting to see their therapists. One guy looked like a biker, and he had a t-shirt on that said "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves." I wonder if he's there for anger management issues. There was also a door marked "Triage" which was a little scary. Why would a counseling center need triage?

So, you know, there's that.

I hate all of this. I. Hate. It.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) To deal with the stress of all that has been going on, my mom gave me a few of her tranquilizers that she got when Papa died. They are surprisingly helpful. I don't take them often, because they are addictive, but when I do I'm nicely un-freaked out. Well, up until later on in the day, and then I start to doze off at my desk and hallucinate people in the hallways. Fun stuff.

2) By the way, thanks to everyone who comes and checks up on me by reading my blog. Sorry there hasn't been much to tell lately, but I've been kind of one track minded lately, so there hasn't been much to say. I will say that our first couple's counseling appointment is Thursday morning, so keep us in your thoughts. No matter what the outcome winds up being, I just want us to be smart about everything and I think a counselor might help to see everything in the right way.

3) I'm tired of this infernal temporary crown. It doesn't fit perfectly, so I always have an aching jaw from clenching my teeth in my sleep. It also looks kind of silly because it's so obviously a fake tooth, but since it's a molar, it isn't too obvious. If I hadn't already paid for the new one, I probably could have gotten a gold toof! It probably would have been cheaper than the one my dentist is making me. I swear, that guy could retired just from the scratch he's made working on my teeth. Boo to expensive dentistry. We've been thinking about getting another dentist who may be on the BCBS preferred list so that we don't have to pay so much. My secret hope is that somewhere in our town there is a Korean dentist named Doctor Hoo. I would SO go to that guy!

4)I wish it would rain already. It's dark and cloudy but it just refuses to rain. My dogs are dirty, dangit! They need rain!

I have a membership with Audible.com, which is where I get the legal copies of audio novels for my iPod. One thing about the MP3s from that particular site always makes me laugh: At the beginning of all of the books, a man with a very cheerful voice comes on and says "This Is Audible."

All I can think is "Yes. Yes it is. I can hear it."

...

Yeah, I know. Sorry, but my sense of humor is mending more slowly than I would like to admit.

Yeah, things are still crappy and I don't have any idea how much security I can have in my future, but when all else fails, there will still be otters. Cute ones. With babies.
That's got to count for something.

I'm still scared.

I wish things would become easier instead of harder.

After taking a long look at things, I've realized that maybe my life hasn't been as good as I thought. I am not unselfish, but I've always thought I tried to be. It turns out that part of this is my fault. Maybe not in the way that Steve chose to deal with things, but if I had been better at being a good wife, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

I know that it isn't as easy as all of that to decide what causes problems, and I can't take 100% of the blame for things falling apart, but I had a hand in it. I just wish I had realized before it came to this.

You know how sometimes you think that things are so bad that they can't possibly get any worse? How you think you are at the complete and utter rock bottom of your life and you don't think that you can go any lower? Well, there is a sub-basement to hell that a lot of people don't know about, but I'm in it right now.

As much as I would like, I can't give details about the things that have been going on in my life lately. Some of you know already, but out of respect for myself and my family, I'm not going to write about them here. All that is important is that I have been lied to, repeatedly betrayed, and emotionally beaten down to a point that I'm not altogether certain that I can come back from. I hurt, not just all over, but inside. I have to make some huge, life-altering decisions that I'm not sure I'm smart enough to make. I'm afraid, sad, angry, hurt, and completely confused at the path my life has taken, and I'm not sure I know how to deal with that.

There is a chance that my marriage can be saved, but I don't know if it will be. All I can do is try and see if anything can be done. I don't want to look back someday and know that I didn't at least give it a shot, but it's going to be so hard. There are certain things that can easily be forgiven, and some things that feel impossible to forgive. I'm sick about all of this, just so damn sick. I'm hurt, and I want to hurt all of the people responsible for it, but I know that isn't good. I want to be forgiving, and kind, and smart about it all, but I just don't know if I can. I have prayed that, and sincerely want that, God's will be done, good or bad, but I'm so afraid I'm not going to know what the right thing to do is. It isn't just my future that is in flux, but Steve's. Whatever he may have done, I have no right to destroy his chance for happiness, and I'm afraid I'll do that too. For the first time in my life, I've just wished I could be dead. I don't want to kill myself, but just not wake up in the morning. I know how that sounds, but it hurts that badly. I don't even know how I feel. Sometimes I feel fine, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, and sometimes I just feel defeated. I go in cycles, and I don't know where it will end. I say terrible things, and I cry every day. I wish I could explain how I feel, but I can't. For the first time in my life, I feel paper thin and easily torn apart, and I don't know how to change it.

Every breath hurts, every thought hurts, and every step I take scares me. I just need prayers from everyone. I already know I have some amazing friends, and I'm so grateful for them. I just want to make the right decisions, and I have no idea what they are yet. I'm so scared.

Just to let you know, I may not be writing very much for the next little while. Bad things have been going on in my life. Life changing, potentially marriage ending, sick to my stomach type things and I am afraid that if I talk about them on such a public forum as this, it'll just make it worse. Some things have to be private, I suppose.

Of course, that's not to say that I definitely won't write on my blog at all. I might think of something fun to write about instead. I hope so.

All I ask is that you pray for me so that I can figure out how to deal with things.

Thanks.

Dear everyone,

I'm officially in hell.

Kelly

Alright...does anyone else want to kick me while I'm down? Anyone? It's the perfect time, so go ahead.

I'd rather just go ahead and have it all at once at this point than have it stretched out. Do me a favor and get it over with.

Thank you.

My Family According To Google Image

I actually stole this from both Amy and Greg, our cousins from the great state of GA. Since I don't know if any of you know what nicknames Steve and I call each other, you may not have a clue what the pictures are supposed to mean. Half the fun is in the guessing, so I won't tell you what they are! :)

Steve:
Me:

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Josh! If you are reading this, could you comment and tell me if the address on the business card you gave me is still the one where you can receive mail? I'd call you, but it makes me nervous to call your place after what you told your other brothers I said about the Catholic stuff.

2) Mr. Fathead Rudepants was back at the gym this morning, but at least he had the decency to ask the lady directly in front of the TV if he could turn it off. He didn't ask me, who was watching the TV, but I have given up on him. If a flashing picture box disrupts his concentration that badly, I can't fault him for turning it off. However, BOO, dude! There is also a new lady who has been coming in that I can't figure out. She is an older lady, possibly in her 60's, who comes in with a androgynous looking person who I still can't figure out for sure, but I think might be a woman. Anyways, this lady always comes in just as I start on the weight machines, and she jumps from machine to machine, doing maybe 5 or 10 pullies, pushies or lifties before she goes on to the next one. I wonder if it's helping her any to do so few reps on the machines. Anyways, she is forevermore getting in my way! I don't meant to be rude or anything, because honestly, it's not a big deal. It's just annoying to walk to the next machine and see her on the one I need, me go on to the next one, and before I can even get the seat adjusted, she is gone and now my list of things I need to do is all out of whack. I was given a list by the trainer, so please don't think I've gone OCD on you or something. Anyway, I dub this lady Old Bunny, because she hops around too much.

3) I have recently been placed in a very awkward position by someone here at work, but there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could tell you all what is going on, but I can't. It would just cause undue issues if someone from work found my blog and read it, and too many people I know here know I have a blog. At any rate, it has made me look really terrible and now I have a person I don't even know that well scared of me. I'd like to think I'm a nice enough person that it wouldn't matter what was said about me, but I also know I have the potential to be a psycho-hose beast if I'm rubbed the wrong way, and I can't really deny that. I can say honestly that the scared person had pissed me off, yes, but I was willing to just let it go. All I did was vent to someone I thought I could trust, wasn't even that specific with my issue to him, and then he went and twisted everything I said. It got all blown up and now I have been misrepresented, pissed off again and I am so tired of it all. I'm really too old for drama, and I don't enjoy dealing with it. I'd rather forget that anything happened, forget this person exists, and move on to live long and prosper. I can only hope everyone will let me do this now. PLEASE?

Lovely Day

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) You know how I normally decorate the lobby of the IMAX theater when we have new movies? I try to make it look good, but I can't always do a whole lot because I usually do it on my own, still have to do signs and be on demand for my boss. Well, things have been taken out of my hands, but not off of my shoulders. We will be getting the movie "The Dark Knight" later this month, and we have some serious comic book geeks who work here. Apparently, the went to the CEO and asked if we could make the lobby into the Bat Cave, and he LOVED the idea. No, not just hang a few bats and paint the glass of the booth, but actually make a Bat Cave. I don't even know what that looks like! These people have gone above and beyond anything I could have thought of, but they still want me to help, which appreciate. However, they seem to think that I know exactly what they have in mind, and I've never actually "built" anything very large before. The guy who is ringleader in all of this was asking me questions about things we could use, and I was trying to think and he actually said "You don't have any skills, do you?" I said "What?" not because I didn't hear him, but because I couldn't believe he would say something like that. He said "Nothing" and walked off. He was talking earlier about using paper mache and plaster to make this thing, and I was trying to explain that something like that would take way too long and cost way too much. He didn't really like that, I guess. I'm still in on the project, but I'm going to have to do some research. Bat cave, indeed.

2) My stupid tooth still hurts! Is this normal?

3) One of Steve's friends brought him some orange rolls from All Steak yesterday! They were really for him, but he was nice enough to share. :) You hear that, Josh? Mwahahahahhahahaa!

4) GEEK WARNING! The first half of the season finale of Dr. Who was so very, very awesome. BBC America is officially two episodes behind the showings in England I think, but Steve downloads them so we can keep up. We, along with my Teddy Dalek, watched it on Sunday, and it was so good it made me hate that it won't be back until 2010! Since some of you also watch the show, but are following on BBC America, I don't want to tell you what happened, but here are my reactions throughout the episode so far: YAY! Wait, what? Yay, again! Albinos? NO! What? AWESOME! *Rock & Roll Hand Gesture* Huh? *Dumbstruck Silence* Holy crap! Squeeeeeeeeee! YAY and AWWW! What? No...Nooo....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Best. Episode. Ever.

5) I finally deleted my MySpace account! I wasn't using it anymore, so I felt silly keeping it up. I am officially out of any and all social networking sites! So now if anyone wants me, I'll be here, updating when I feel like it. :)

OK, so now that I have recovered from the trauma, I can tell you about getting a root canal. It's actually funny when I think of it now!

When I posted about having to go and have the procedure, I told you that I had to take some pills before I left. I was afraid that the pills were all that I as going to get. When I got to the dental surgeon, or whatever they are called, they told me that they didn't do sedation. I was freaking out, but not as badly as I thought I would. They did tell me I could have nitrous, so I was very much "Yes, PLEASE!" I shouldn't have worried, though. By the time I got called back, the pills were working in full force. I was nice and high. Of course, I didn't really know it at the time, so when they strapped on the nitrous nose thing, I was breathing in really deeply and thinking "crap, this isn't doing anything!" I was wrong, though, because by the time they walked in, I was in la la land for sure. The guy put some kind of numbing stuff on my gum, and told me they what they were doing, I didn't think they were at the right place, so I asked "Is it the bottom one?" " Yes" they said. "Number nineteeeeeeeeeen?" I said. "Yes" they said. After that, it's all a haze. They talked to me, I mumbled to them, they gave me a shot of Novocaine, which hurt, but I didn't care. They gave me another shot of Novocaine, I still didn't care. I was breathing in the happy stuff. The doc showed me something that looked like the thing on a Clarinet that holds the reed on and told me what they were going to do with it. I said "Sounds good to me." Well, I think that's what I said, anyways, but I can't be sure. I was vaguely aware that some serious business was going on in my face, but I couldn't focus. The doc was humming, so I starting humming along. They kept asking me to hold this thing (still don't know what it was) so they could take x-rays of my tooth, and then getting irritated that I couldn't hold it still. Well, surprise, surprise! Imagine that. There was a flat screen TV over my head playing a soccer game or something. I tried watching it, but I couldn't keep up. I probably said some embarrassing stuff around all of their hands, but I don't remember. Then they took off the paper bib and told me they were done. I remember getting up and paying the receptionist, going to get into the car, but I have no idea what happened after that until I got home. While I was working out the rest of my nitrous, Steve went to get my pain medication and something for us to eat. When he came back, I was loopy and starving. I hadn't had anything to eat all that day and it was about 5:15 or so. Steve had gotten me some chicken fingers, which I was able to tear apart and chew on the right side of my mouth. I still had numb face from the Novocaine, so I didn't realize that while I was eating, I was destroying the inner part of my left cheek. I'm not kidding, I chewed it to pieces. Of course, when the Novocaine wore off, I knew...Lord, did I know. I went into the kitchen to get one of my pain pills and saw a stack of three different medicines. I knew I had only gotten a prescription for one, but for a second I thought I had been mistaken. I had a bottle of Lexapro (antidepressant), some kind of ointment for fungal infections, and about 6 packages of Estrogen tabs. I thought, what the hell did they do to me in there?! Of course, then I realized that the pharmacy had handed Steve a package of someone else's meds because they had a similar name as mine. Similar, but not exact. Steve had to leave again to go somewhere, but I have no idea where he went. I called to tell him I had the wrong medicine and he was going to come back to get it and take it back. Then the pharmacy called and I can only hope that I actually said what I think I said. I was still pretty loopy to tell you the truth. So I finally got the wretched pills and took one. Steve had to run some errands after that, so I can only be glad I didn't have a bad reaction to them since I was home alone! I think I slept, or tried to. Then I woke up at about 3:30 the next morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Good times.

Boo

This has been the worst weekend I've spent in a while. I won't go into much detail, mainly because it isn't all my own business and I'd rather not rehash. However, my face still hurts from Thursday and the pills they gave me make me crazy, but don't really help much and make me sick to my stomach. Sorry that I didn't get a chance to blog under the influence, but every time I'd take one, I wound up staring at the wall or looking at the pretty colors in books for a while. I probably wouldn't have made anything coherant! :)

Anyways, the weekend is almost over, so hopefully things will get better. I have faith!

Does anyone happen to know where Steve is? It's 3:30 a.m. and he's still not home.

Geez, I'm all for hanging out with friends, but you'd think he'd eventually come home. He must be feeling better.

It never ends!

This morning I had a dentist appointment at 7:50 a.m. When I arrived and waited an hour to be called back, even after some other guy had been called back, I was finally told that my appointment wasn't until 8:40. Um...no. I not only wrote down the date and time when I made the appointment, but I remember asking the person to repeat the date and time to make sure there were no mistakes. I didn't make a fuss because it didn't really matter, I was already going to be later to work than I thought.

I have been meticulously taking care of my teeth lately because I haven't been to the dentist in two years. It wasn't for lack of trying. Every time I'd make an appointment, they would cancel it. So I was cleaned, flossed, and mouthwashed within an inch of my life when I went in.

The hygienist is very sweet. She knows Steve really well, so she believes she knows me well by association. She's also always asking when I'm going to have babies. Sheesh. Anyways, the appointment goes by swimmingly until she takes a good look at my x-rays. I have one tooth that has been sensitive for a while, but I thought it had something to do with an old filling I have in that tooth. Nope. Apparently, I have a cavity. The first cavity I've had in over17 years! Not only do I have a cavity, but it's in an odd spot, so they can't give me a filling. In a bit less than an hour, I'm going to have to go and have a root canal. I'm scared to death. I hate dental procedures, especially invasive ones. I begged them if I could be sedated, and they are going to allow it. They proscribed some pills for me to take, but I hope they give me something stronger when I get to the dental surgeon. I'm such a baby about things like this. :(

I feel even worse because Steve has to take me and pick me up. He wasn't feeling well, and had called in sick to work, and now he's got to deal with me instead of feeling better. I hate this! All I wanted was to go to the dentist, go to work, and do my daily Kelly stuff. Was that too much to ask? Boo.

On the bright side, though, maybe I'll get some good pills or something out of this and I can entertain myself by blogging under the influence and then coming back to see if I made any sense. :)

Just FYI

OK! Everybody sing along!



You know you want to.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) To Mr. Fathead Rudepants at the gym this morning: If you are going to turn one of the TVs off, maybe one someone is watching, during your brutal, extensive, 4 1/2 minute workout so as not to get distracted, could you please turn it back on when you walk away?

2) It would be nice if we could get our paper shipment in soon. We use a special kind of matte, adhesive-backed paper for signs and displays. With so many signs people need (and honestly, don't need), we tend to run out of this paper fairly quickly. When we load the last roll into the printer, I usually alert Sam so that he can put in an order. This way we have very little down time in between jobs. My boss ordered a couple of rolls about three weeks ago and we never received them. I finally just ran completely out of the paper, and I don't want to use the other paper we have because it makes the ink smear and we have to use spray adhesive to stick it down, which doesn't hold for long when it's humid. He called our supplier yesterday, and the idiots had lost our order and had nothing shipped out to us. I mean, it isn't like we don't order from these people on a regular basis. They know us. We do lots of business with them. I don't know why I'm surprised. They almost always have the wrong paper shipped to us if we alter our order at all. *Sigh* Bunch of savages in this business.

3) Mean old interwebs. Yesterday I went to a website I'm a member of so that I could enter a contest they were holding. Short version: They give you a question, you give your answer in 75 words or less. Seemed easy enough. So I thought and thought of what to say, typed it in, and hit enter. It took me to the place to sign in, so that one was on me. I signed in, thought and thought about how to reword my original entry, typed, retyped, and typed again. I wanted to make sure I had it just right, and I really liked my answer. So I hit enter, and it took me to the contest page again, but didn't give me a conformation that my entry went through. I thought that maybe it wouldn't do that for this particular contest, so I typed in a quick answer to the question without thinking much about it to see if it would give me a conformation or not and this time I DID get a conformation. Crap. So I went back to the contest page, retyped my original entry and hit enter. I get the message "You may only enter this contest once." I could have eaten my own face. So much for winning that contest.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa.....*gasp*.....aaaaaAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

Even though I'm sure I would have power to spare, the first person who tries to plug an iPod into me is going to get hurt. Unless you buy me dinner first.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Apparently it wasn't food poisoning. I had some kind of stomach virus or something similar. Now I feel bad for trashing what was left of mom's wedding cake! :(

2) Do you know what is almost as good as thinking you see a friend at a store, running over to greet them, and realizing it isn't them just in time to detour and not to embarrass yourself? Thinking you see a friend in a store, being detained from running over to greet them, feeling kind of bad you didn't get to say hello before they were gone, and then finding out later that the friend wasn't even in town, couldn't have been the person you thought it was and you avoided embarrassing yourself by accident. Yeah.

3) It's perfectly natural for someone who knows you not to remember everything about you, right? Even the unusual stuff, mainly because they have their own thing going on and can't think about you constantly. However, is it normal for you to forget things about yourself? I Netflixed (is that even a real verb?) the series "The Tudors" and was watching the first disk when I suddenly remembered that years ago, Josh and I used to take lessons for medieval court dances with Huntsville's SCA? We were good at it, too! How could I forget that? I had forgotten we ever even went to the SCA meetings. We were going to join, but for some reason or another we didn't. Wow, that would have sent me crashing over the edge of the Geek precipice, wouldn't it? Probably for the best.

4) Speaking of that fabled Geek-Precipice. I don't know how many of you watch the new Dr. Who, but I for one love it. No, I don't think you understand. I. Love. It. I've been kind of sad about it recently, though, because I found out that it's going on hiatus until 2010. Well, excepting Christmas specials and the like. I really like David Tennant (meow) in the role of the Doctor, and who knows if he'll be back in the role when the show returns. So, we were watching the show on Sunday (Steve downloads the new episodes from England instead of waiting for them to be broadcast from BBC America, so we are one episode ahead) and they showed the previews of the season finale, and it is going to be geek paradise. Not only are they going to have the Doctor and his current companion, Donna, they are going to have Martha Jones, Rose Tyler (sqee), what is left of the Torchwood team (double squee), Daleks, Sarah Jane and her kiddies, and pretty much every one and everything of awesomness that has been a part of the new Dr. Who world since they revived the series!!! YAY! My head went *poof* and I think I might have an idea of how Steve feels when he finds out there is a new Han Solo figure he doesn't have. My transformation into a super-geek is complete. No more cool points. Take my dollies and go home. Am I proud of this? Not really, but I figure I had nothing to lose after telling you I took lessons in medieval court dancing.

Wow. Quite a weekend.

Just like the past three nights, I can't sleep, so I thought I'd post a quick note thanking some of you for the prayers and finger crossings. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary at the wedding reception. In fact, I was the annoying one with the camera! My only problem with that was I borrowed the work Nikon (awesome camera) but I couldn't find the fast shutter setting until it was almost over, and some of the pictures got blurred. Good thing my Aunt and Uncle had little to no confidence in my ability to take pictures, and brought their own cameras. The important ones came out, so no troubles.

Right now I'm at my mother's house, taking care of my brother while mom is on her honeymoon. Let me tell you, my mom is superwoman if she does all of this on a regular basis. Not that Tommy is difficult or anything. In fact, it's rare that you find a man who doesn't talk, so now he knows all of my secrets and he won't tell anyone! :) Honestly, though, if he could suddenly talk, I wouldn't care if my secrets ended up on national news. (Not that they would make much news, unless it was to effectively crown me the World's Most Boring Woman. ) At any rate, it's hard taking care of a 40 year old invalid, but I think we're doing OK so far. He may harbor hate of me in his heart for the way I had to get him into bed, but we're both kind of new at me taking full care of him, so maybe he'll make allowances. He has to or I just won't feed him! Mwahahahaha.

Speaking of food, I've been subsusting on leftover reception food and I think I caught a slight case of food poisoning from it. I think it was the wedding cake. *shudder* It makes me sick to think of it. I hate bakery cakes and bakery icing, so I'm not sure why I ate it except for the fact that there is a metric ton of cake left and we have to get rid of it in some way. Yuck. At my next wedding, no cake, just margaritas.

Eventually, I will explain to you all of the issues I have about my mother getting married and you'll see that they aren't childish or petty, they have nothing to do with this man not being my father, nothing to do with me NOT wanting my mother to be happy, and that they are actually understandable. I'm not a child, after all.

For those of you who have already decided that I'm being immature and unreasonable, screw you.
For the rest of you, just keep your fingers crossed for me.

That is all.

*glerp

I am furious. FURIOUS!

OK, well, the second furious may have been a bit excessive, but I am mad.

You've heard me talk about my flake of a VP completely ignoring the fact that I do a great deal of work around here and that I actually come up with ideas that she thinks are good, but only when other people reiterate them for me. Well, today she just topped herself on my behalf.

We were in a meeting this morning with a couple of guys from a media company who have been in development of a mascot for our camp. They asked to hear about the ways we planned on using the character (i.e. print work, film, Flash & etc.) so that they would know what changes to make, or at least what kind of files we will require. VP said, and I quote, "Well, Sam, Rodney and Andrew are the ones who you will most need to be concerned about."

I just sat there. Um, excuse me, but aren't I a member of the design team? Will I not need to tell them what I might need to do my job? No? Well.....(*%^&%@ you lady, and the horse you rode in on. I was so pissed I could barely talk. The lady obviously feels that my importance is only equal to my ability to fill space and make sure things are spelled right. However, she is one of the first people in line to make sure I know I've dropped a ball somewhere.

Her mom.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I think my boss is on crack. Since we are getting a new Space Camp Barbie soon, I've been making different things for displays we'll have in the gift shop. One of the things I've done is a 3 foot Barbie standee. He has had to carry that thing around with him to different meetings, and he came into my office yesterday saying in a high screechy voice "I got a Barbie under my arm! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" He also keeps trying to bend her arms, but since she's made of foam board, she isn't exactly articulated. Seriously, the dude is cracked.

2) Either things at the gym are getting easier, or I did something wrong this morning. I actually felt good when I left. Maybe I'm just getting used to the routine or something. I still think that I'm supposed to be doing more cardio work, but my legs don't like it. I've never really had much trouble with my legs, so I'm not sure what's causing it. Meh, I'll figure it out.

3) There was a giant cockroach in the hallway at work this morning and I had to kill it myself. I hate the little bastardly things, seriously. I didn't touch it with any part of my body (I employed a large cardboard tube to both beat it to death and transport it to the trash) but I still feel unclean. UNCLEAN!!

4) I've been very blah lately. I don't like it. Blah-ness shouldn't be something I have to deal with. Boo.

WHAT IS: CONTINUED

4) Something that annoys you about yourself that other people probably like?
When I was a teenager, a very good friend of mine once told me that I always seemed to hurt people's feelings without realizing it. I was horrified, mainly because I, of course, didn't realize I was doing that to people. I'm still not sure what I did for her to tell me that, but that made me much more careful of other people's feelings. I'm sure people appreciate it, and I'm glad to do it. However, at this point, I'm so afraid I'm going to offend someone that I sometimes become hypersensitive and think I've offended someone by saying or doing something that I worry about it until I can apologize. Usually, the person I'm afraid I've offended has no idea what I'm talking about, so my apologies don't make sense. Of course, then I just feel stupid for apologizing. I just can't help myself, I worry! Although I figure that most people like that I care about their feelings, I would LOVE to find a happy medium here.
5) Something that frustrates you?
I don't understand why people don't want to be honest. Granted, I'm not talking about being honest without the use of tact (although between you and me, sometimes you have to do it that way) but people lie about some of the most ridiculous things when telling the truth would work just as well. It's even worse when you find out you have been lied to by someone you trust, and I'm a firm believer that most people will find out you've lied to them, given enough time. I have worked with two compulsive liars and went to school with at least one I knew of, over the years, and they lied about stuff that didn't even make sense. It drove me crazy. I don't even understand the idea of lying to spare someones feelings. Well, I mean, I understand the theory of it, but I also think that the truth is usually the best thing as long as you tell them in a delicate way. I'm not going to tell you I've never lied, but when I do I kind of loathe myself for it. It just seems so stupid and wrong. I dunno. Just MHO.
6)Your ideal vacation?
My idea vacation begins with going someplace to relax and not have to have a schedule at all. Wherever I would go would have to be a place where I could reach the beach by walking and have and streets lined with small shops and restaurants so that I could just walk from place to place at my leisure. It would be a place where I wouldn't have to stand in lines, or get stuck in the middle of crowds. There would be lots of interesting places to see and take pictures of, stuff of historical interest, and a kick ass old cemetery would also be nice. I'd be able to stay in an old house turned into a B&B and there would be antique stores nearby in case I wanted to browse. I wouldn't have to go anywhere or do anything unless I just wanted to and there would be nothing obligatory to deal with. If I traveled with someone, we wouldn't have to spend the whole time together unless we just wanted to see the same things, so we could just go do our own thing and then meet for lunch and after that, find something we both want to do if we wanted to. I'd just want to be able to relax and read, watch TV, walk, explore or whatever without having to worry about doing it in any certain order. Yes, please.

Wow, when you weed out the repeat questions, there really isn't much left!

I don't know if I have mentioned it, but Butler is molting again. Yes, yes, yes, I know dogs don't molt. Well, they aren't supposed to, anyways, but Butler certainly looks like it. His hindquarters look kind of crazy (but don't tell him I said that. He's always worrying that Cleatus is laughing at him, so I keep telling him that he looks fine.)

To see if I could fix his fur problem, I went to Target the other day and bought a special kind of dog brush that is supposed to remove the undercoat that keeps puffing out of his fur. It works great, as far as I have been able to use it. Bear will not let Butler get near me for long outside, and since I don't want another Back Yard Death Cage Match with me in the middle, I have really only gotten to brush Butler a little bit. Bear, Mr. Alpha-Dog himself, condescends to let me brush him all I want, though, and it always looks like I've sheared a black sheep out in the back yard. Butler, when I can get to him, looks as if he enjoys the brushing, but has to keep moving so as not to incite the wrath of the Dark One. Before I realized what was going on, I just thought Butler didn't like being brushed, so I was chasing him around the patio yelling "Sit still, wretched animal! The other dogs are going to laugh at you! You're molting again! Let me brush yooooooooooouuuuuuu!"

Yeah, the neighbors were loving that.

I love my dogs.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Is it normal to feel like your going to throw up in the middle of a workout? No? Just me? OK, then...

2) Blinkers, people. Use your frakin' BLINKERS! Why is this so difficult for you? Do you want me to hit you? Do you want me to keep going the same speed so that you are forced to speed up and then cut me off? I would slow down if I knew you wanted over! Please don't make me become another statistic of road rage.

3) I am really enjoying my Agatha Christie audio novels. I always forget how funny she is. Oh, and speaking of books, I actually had time to read one this weekend! I haven't done that in ages.

4) So, my mother is getting married on Friday. Yep. Whee.

5) Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and digitally spray paint a Barbie. Happy Monday!

Ok, yes, this is a meme post. HOWEVER, before you run screaming into the night, this one is a bit different. I've culled out the questions I've answered a million times (and quite frankly, if you don't know my favorite color and restaurant by now, you never will) and tried to only answer the ones I don't think I've ever done before. That didn't leave me with many questions to answer, so I will be thorough. So, you might learn something new. Or not.

WHAT IS:

1) The Meanest Thing You've Ever Done?
Eeesh. OK, well, bear with me here. When I was 15, I was at a friend's house and I was bored. I randomly picked up a notebook I found in her room and realized it was her diary. Instead of putting it away like I should have, I read it and found out that she had had sex with a guy friend of mine that she had only met once or twice. I was kind of shocked, mainly because at that age, in my circle, sex was fairly undiscovered country, especially random, casual sex. Since I couldn't tell her I read her diary, I couldn't ask her about it, but I still wanted to know if it were true or if it were just one of those 'wishes' that girls sometimes write in their diaries. So I called the guy friend of mine and just casually mentioned that my friend was pregnant by some random guy she had slept with. He panicked, hung up on me, and told his mother that he had gotten a girl pregnant. There was a scene, to say the least, and I had to tell this friend I had not only read her diary, but that I lied to Random Guy and caused him to freak out. I also had to talk to his mother and tell her I lied, and that guy was no longer my friend after that. The worst part is that I don't know if I ever really got to apologize to her because she got killed in a car accident not long after that happened. I still cringe when I think about doing that.
2) Your Secret Indulgence?
Although it seems overly girly for me, I wear expensive perfume. I love it, it smells good, but it really costs more than I should spend on something that frivolous. To make matters worse, I don't tell people what it's called when they ask because I don't want anyone else I know to buy it and wear it. It's not a popular brand, as far as perfume goes, but I still just want to be the only one I know who has it. Stupid, I know.
3) Something You Like About Yourself That Probably Annoys Other People?
Although I am not always as accurate as I would like, I am good at knowing stuff about people without being told outright. I guess it's really all a matter of listening to what they say, watching how they act and react, and paying attention to the things they do. My dad was a very perceptive person, so I guess I learned from him. I think it annoys people sometimes because I see things about them that they don't always want to be seen, which is usually the less noble aspects, and I can sometimes tell what they are thinking, which freaks people out. I can't do this with everyone I know, though, and that drives me nuts!

I'll finish this later, I need to go print some stuff

A Morning Haiku

I am so tired
Damn the ideals of beauty
I can't move my legs

Crap.

I feel like such a rodent right now.

A friend of mine called me while I was having a meeting in my office. He sounded a bit strange, but the guy is a bit strange, so I didn't think anything of it. I asked how he was and he said that his grandfather was in ICU because he fell off of the roof while fixing some shingles. Then he asked if it was a bad time to talk. My hands were kind of tied, because the guy was sitting in my office, so I had to tell my friend to call back in a couple of hours. I think he was really upset, and I basically brushed him off.

Boo on me. :(

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Steve got a new toy. I don't know the name of it, but it's a GPS system for the truck, and as GPS systems are likely to do, it tells you how to get to where you're going. Personally, it freaks me out a bit because it talks to you. However, it seems to be very accurate, so hopefully it will be useful for us. You know, because we travel so much. To places we aren't familiar with. *koff* I just hope he leaves it alone while he's driving. You hear me, Steve? Please don't kill me!

2) I didn't get a chance to eat my protein bar thing when I got back from the gym yesterday and I could really tell a difference in the way I felt the rest of the day. In fact, I finally had to leave a little early because my arms and legs felt like exploded fireworks. That's a weird way to describe it, but accurate. At any rate, I'm getting a bit more used to everything at the gym, so maybe it won't be a huge waste of my time when it's all said and done. I'll just have to remember to follow the nutritionist's suggestion about what to do after I'm finished.

3) Part of me feels like I should be offended by this and part of me thinks it's funny, so I'm going to go with funny with a touch of righteous indignation. I don't need awards for doing my job, but I do appreciate a nice "Thank You" or "Good Idea." Twice in the past couple of weeks, I've been ignored (while standing right in their faces) while my boss got the props for something I had done. Not the "Wow, thanks to you and your team!" stuff that is acceptable, but a "Thank you, Sam" for something he hadn't done at all. I don't blame my boss for this, though, because he didn't go asking for it. One very busy day, I got a request for a display that was both huge and ridiculous. Even though I was so busy I hadn't even had time to eat lunch, I stopped everything I was doing and fixed the stupid thing for them. I had to carry it down to our new building, and my boss happened to see me walking with this 10 foot thing and helped me carry it down. When we handed it over, the lady turned to him and said "Thanks, Sam!" but didn't say anything to me at all. If it hadn't been so stupid, I would have probably been angry. I was more surprised than anything. A week or two later, we were having our weekly meeting and we were doing a brainstorming session on new ways to market our place, (I was behaving myself this day, so I can't even blame what happened on my goofiness) and I came up with the idea to market the camp separately to boys and girls, the way a lot of places and products tend to do. The VP just nodded. A few minutes later, Sam said "I think Kelly had a good idea when she said..." and he reiterated my idea. She smiled and said "Great idea, Sam!" SIGH. Lowest rung on the totem pole...lowest rung.

Wow. No offence, Amy, but I can't believe I scored higher than you.

Your Score: Geek Aspirant

You scored 54 out of 60

If you don't consider yourself a geek, perhaps you could start.

If you do, you're probably mad at me for picking ambiguous quotes. (I swear they're the best IMDB had to offer... you might want to re-watch some of your movies).

I bet my boss thinks I'm drunk.

My "Goofy Switch" went off in our weekly meeting this morning, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shut it off. Normally I have a pretty good handle on being appropriate, but I just couldn't do it at all today.

We are working with a design company to develop a robot "mascot" for the SpRocket, and in the process of discussing how we would change the initial design, I just lost my composure. I couldn't help it, really. It had such expressive eyes, and so I began with the voices. It went downhill from there. I had really gotten a hold on myself once we started talking real business, but our media liaison came in and got me started all over again. He is a former reporter for our CBS affiliate stations, and he is hilarious. He honestly just doesn't have a shred of shame anywhere about him, so what he thinks always comes out of his mouth. He is apparently in talks with a TLC show about a family of little people who will be coming to the SpRocket. Actually, I think they prefer to be called "People Of Smaller Stature" now, but that is neither here nor there. Anyways, he was trying to tell us what they were going to be here for and he called them midgets, which got me laughing. I couldn't stop. That made him laugh and he couldn't remember what he was talking about. Then one of our co-workers pulled the TLC website up and showed us all of the pictures of the family, and our VP of marketing started calling the members of the family who are not little people "Normal People" which got me laughing again. I couldn't stop. From then on, we just couldn't be serious anymore.

At some point the Mexican accent I have came out unbidden.

There are so not going to let me come to another meeting!

THAT'S DOCTOR SHEPARD, IF YOU PLEASE.




Which LOST Character Are You?

Devbook Quizzes!!

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I'm really starting to like my gym, I think. It's kind of hard to tell when I'm retching and cursing at the machines, though. :) I've been trying to get up and go early so that Steve and I can carpool each morning. We like to drive in together so that we can have that 15 minutes or so to be goofy before the day begins. I've been getting to the gym at about 5:30 am and working out for about an hour; half cardio and half weights. I can already tell some ways that I'm getting stronger, even just after a week, but in a thousand other ways I'm still a big weenie. My legs start to hurt at about 15 minutes into walking on the treadmill, but I can usually finish my 30 minutes. I want to move up another level, but while my heart needs more speed to get to the right level, my legs tell me that they are strongly opposed to the idea. The ankle I sprained last month is giving me the worst problems, and then my knees. Boo. I love the elliptical machine, but my knees can't take that for very long. I guess I'll need to lose a few pounds before they stop hurting as much. I'm also starting to recognize some of the other members that I see there: Elliptical Lady, who is much larger than me, but can stay on that thing forever. She is a machine! I always cheer for her in my head while she's walking, because I can see how determined she is! Go Lady! Then there is Colonel Sanders, an elderly gent who lifts weights and always looks on the verge of collapse. There is No-Finger-Glove lady, Asian Grandma, and Tiny-Blond-Muppet lady. Then there is Tattoo Ted Kennedy who, of course, looks like Ted Kennedy but has a large blue snake tattooed on his forearm. He scares me a bit because he looks both like someone's grandpa, and like he could beat your ass without much prodding. I just hope I can keep up going. I enjoy it, except for the pain.

2) Yesterday while getting ready for church, I was helping Steve look for a pair of underwear that I had apparently misplaced when putting away laundry. While searching, I starting singing "Underpants are on the move, Underpants are loose..." to the tune of the theme song from that old Thundercats cartoon. I actually made it a decent way through the song before I realized I had no idea how I knew the words to a theme song I probably last heard when I was 9. What made it better, though, was when I stopped singing for a second, I hear Steve in the back of the house yelling "underpants, Underpants, UNDERPANTS, HO! This, of course, let to an all day brain song about underpants. Sometimes it's good to be married to a geek. :)

3) Since Grandma is in town, she asked if I could sing at church while she was visiting. I was going to sing a song last night that a former pastor bought for me when I was in high school and asked me to learn. It's fast and it's an old and I've always loved to sing it, so I picked up the tape and we hustled to church so I could practice. While I was waiting for it to rewind, the tape snapped! It was almost time for church, but Steve and I pealed off back home and I grabbed a CD of "I Can Only Imagine" and I listened to it in the car, but didn't really get to practice it at all. I guess I did OK, but I felt like I was eating the microphone and I was scared I'd forget he words. It all worked out, though, so yay.

I don't think I'm handling things inside very well these days.

I'm tired of pretending everything is fine, but I don't have a choice because I'm supposed to be happy. Apparently, that is my job. I'll continue to pretend if I have to, but I hate it.

I tried explaining this to someone once, and I don't think I explained it right because all they said was not to worry. It's a bit late for that. It's too big for that.

Things that I love keep slipping away from me; people too. People can be so blind when they want to. Blind and willfully ignorant.

I'll explain more when I can, but I don't know if what is going on would make sense to anyone else right now.

I'm really, very unhappy. I don't know what to do.

I guess I'll get over it. I kinda have to.

MORE FUNSIES FROM AMY!

My Life According to Google
Type in the following and choose the first result...

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search
Kelly needs to dump Katherine Heigl - NOW! (Hmmm, I didn't even know we were seeing each other! Sorry, Kath...the public has spoken.)

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Kelly looks like a disturbingly cute mushroom. (It's the hair)

3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Kelly does Hollywood! (Well, Dallas had been done to death already!)

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Kelly hates Japanese noiseless loos. (Absolutely. I want to wake the dead when I flush.)

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Kelly goes "Show Biz" for spring tour. (I like the pizza, what can I say?)

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Kelly loves Tony. (Hey, Tony!)

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Kelly eats boogers. (It used to be a secret. Now it's all over the net. *shame*)

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Kelly has fans and foes. (It's hard to be perfect. Some people love me, some hate me. What can I do?)

9: Type in "[your name] died" in Google Search:
Kelly died after suffering two strokes at the age of 83. (I shouldn't have been hand gliding.)

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
Kelly will visit for a laugh, the dirty truth, and witty banter. ( It's just how I roll.)

WAR KITTENS?

Ah, now I get it!

Years ago, a very dear friend of mine and I were having a conversation in which he used the word "Tangent." I had no idea what the word meant at the time, so I had to stop and ask him what he meant by "Going off on a tangent."

--EDIT-- I just realized that by asking him to explain the word, we actually went off on a tangent!

As a way to explain, he drew a circle in the mulch and drew a line starting in the middle of the circle and extending through the side of it. The circle, he says, is your conversation. The line through it would be your tangent, meaning you interrupt the conversation and talk about something else for a moment. (I'm paraphrasing, of course. I can't remember what he was wearing or his exact words. This makes me feel oddly guilty.)

Anyways, I've always liked that little drawing and I've used it many times in my artwork , doodles or whatever because it brought back good memories of that day, I guess. I didn't even know for years that a tangent is also a math thing.

I just now Google-Image searched the word "Tangent" and now I know why I got so many weird looks when I had to explain what the strange little symbol I had drawn was. An actual tangent symbol is a bit different. They must've thought I was an idiot! Heeheehee.

Eh, who cares. I like our version better!

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I wish I looked like Angelina Jolie. I'd even settle for looking like 18 months pregnant Angelina Jolie. Steve probably agrees. :)

2) I'm eating a salad. I don't really like salad. It's probably not all that good for me anyways because I put Thousand Island dressing on it. I want steak.

3) One of my teeth hurts! It's really sensitive to hot and cold, and it sometimes hurts to chew on that side. I hope it isn't cracked or something. Every time I've had a dental appointment in the past three years, the doctor has canceled it. I'm supposed to go next month for another expensive check-up. If anything is wrong with that tooth, I certainly hope that they can put me to sleep when they fix it. I will bite a bitch if I have to, but they will not do dental work on me while I know what's going on if I can help it. I hate going to the dentist. :P

4) I found out yesterday that I'm complicated. Meh.

5) I know that if you make cake in a muffin tin you can call them cupcakes. Yesterday I made pies in a muffin tin, so what do you call those? I don't usually like fruit pies, but I had some fresh cherries that were going to go bad if I didn't do something with them. I also decided to use up some other random baking ingredients that were getting in my way. I made Cherry pies with white and dark chocolate chips. Although they sound terrible, they are actually really, very good! Go me!

6) No, seriously, what do you call pies baked in a muffin tin? I don't like the sound of "CupPies."

7) As a shot in the dark, I added a show called "Jericho" into our Netflix cue. If anyone has watched it before, could you please let me know if it's good or not.

Several Entries ago I asked that you think of a word that describes me, Google-Image the word, and then pick one from the first page of results and send it to me without telling me the words you Googled. Here is what I got!

From Amy:

My guess is that she thinks I'm a crafty pirate. Arrrrrrgh!

From Aunt Brenda:She thinks I'm musical!

From last and certainly not least, MVF Kenny:

Well, I guess the words "Contorted Ballerina" came to mind. Uh...thanks, Kenny.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I'm disappointed with the way the IMAX lobby is going to wind up looking. The Dragon I made, although pretty bad-ass for what it is, will not support it's own weight. I had to stuff it with paper and some kind of polyester drop cloth material to retain it's shape, but I'm probably going to have to have it hung in the window rather than sitting on the base it's supposed to be on. My Darma doll is a complete mystery to the guys down there, even though I explained it, and the birds I hung from the balcony kind of don't make sense without the other stuff that was supposed to be there and didn't have enough time to finish. The decals I made still look good, so at least there is that. Oh well, you can't win them all, right? :)

2) If I have to make one more "Museum Parking" sign, I'm going to beat someone to death with my ruler. Seriously. If people visiting can't figure out where to park with all of the extensive existing signage, then they should be considered too stupid to drive.

3) In case you were wondering, my head is much better now. There are still lumps on it and they still hurt, but it doesn't feel like a mini-Everest under my hair anymore.

4) I got up and went to the gym at 5:30 yesterday morning. I'd love to pretend that is because I'm so dedicated, but it was mainly because I know that if I give myself enough time to think about going, I'll talk myself out of it. It wasn't so bad except for maybe the fact I wasn't fully awake. I also accidentally dropped a pencil into one of the Cybex machines and couldn't get it out. I didn't tell anyone because I was embarrassed. :)

Yay!

Friday night I got to have dinner with Sara! Here we are being supercutesexychicks right before we dove face first into Marble Slab ice cream. Hold onto your hats, folks...I let myself be photographed. I also photo shopped it, so NYEAH!