Happy Thanksgiving!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

My inspiration building is gone!

There was an old carpet store downtown that had a big sign that said "CARPET" over the door. The letter "T" was always out, though, so the sign always said "CARPE."

It always reminded me to go and seize the day.

It got torn down. :( Now I need to find inspiration someplace else.

VINDICATION! I HAS IT!

So the wedding went well Saturday night with one notable exception: Me.

It wasn't that I sounded bad, unless a lot of people lied when they told me how well I did on my song, but it was more of a slight "flow" issue that I caused in the ceremony. It wasn't a terrible thing that happened, but it was both mildly embarrassing and confusing!

The very capable wedding coordinator we have in residence at our church always makes an itinerary for every ceremony she presides over. These things are exhaustive, seriously, and have everything listed in the order they are supposed to go. Everyone involved in the ceremony in any way gets a copy of this itinerary so that we all know exactly what we need to do, and to my knowledge, everything ALWAYS goes according to this plan. Sounds rather wonderful, right? Especially for those of you who know how confusing weddings can be.

Well, Saturday night I arrived at the church and realized that I had forgotten to bring my itinerary with me. I knew about where my song was supposed to be in the scheme of things, but I didn't want to wind up standing up too soon and grabbing the microphone before the sound guy was ready, or having to stand there like a giant Muppet while important wedding things were going on. I knew that the assistant wedding director would have a copy of the thing, so before the wedding started, I took a look at the list and ran back to my "soloist chair" in the shadowy corner of the church.

(FYI, that is the nice little niche where I get to sit and be as unobtrusive as possibly while I wait for my cue. I like that place because I don't have to walk in front of anyone to sing and pretty much no one sees me, only hears me, which is the way I like it. But I digress...)

Anyways, when I read the list, it said that there would be the "wedding vows & prayer" and then my solo for the unity candle. I was glad that there would be a prayer so I could would magically be at the microphone when everyone looked back towards the stage. So, I waited for my cue of "Let Us Pray." Everything was going fine, the bride and groom said their vows and exchanged their rings and suddenly, there was silence. Then there was rustling. Then there were people looking around. Then the wedding party was looking around! Apparently I had read the itinerary wrong! The harpist (yes, there was a harpist) said "I think you're supposed to be singing!" and so I ran to the microphone, my face aflame. I heard the pastor say that there was going to be a song, which wasn't part of his script, but he didn't know where I was thanks to the shadowy corner, and didn't know if I was even in the sanctuary or not! I did my song and sat down, and THEN the pastor said a prayer. Oy vey. A good thing about it is that I was so embarrassed that I didn't have a chance to be nervous about singing, so at least there was that!

Now, all I could think of what that I had contracted a terrible case of dyslexia if I actually read "Vows & Prayer" and then "Solo" after that if that wasn't what the list said. I knew it wasn't a big deal, and in reality the people looking for me probably didn't last more than a few seconds. However, I couldn't believe that I got that confused. Well, after everything was done and I was at the reception, I apologized to everyone I could think of (no one was upset, but I felt bad anyways.) I was honestly kind of worried about my eyes or brain, though, to have made that kind of mistake.

However, when I got home, I did a search for my itinerary and lookie what it said:
IT WASN'T MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

I felt much better. You could probably tell that, though.

All in all, it went well. So I live to fight another day. :)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

RANDOM ACTS OB BLOGGING

1) Crap. I'm singing at a wedding tomorrow and I'm not at all comfortable with my song or my voice. I mean, damnit, Jim, I am not Shania Twain! There are notes in this song that defy my understanding. I'm going to have to fake it. I'm going to sound like a basset hound.

2) I am currently disgusted with clothes. Nothing I own is comfortable except for my sweatpants and giant hoodie sweatshirt, but I can't wear those everywhere! Heck, I can't wear them anywhere really. I have been looking for a decent dress to wear to Steve's Christmas party, but almost everything is sleeveless! SLEEVELESS! What the hell? Chubby girls don't like sleeveless, yet almost every danged dress in my size is sleeveless! AAAAGGGGH! I finally found a dress with sleeves on the internet, and I'm praying that it looks OK once I've gotten it. You know what though? I'm going to wear it anyways! I might wind up looking like a hooker librarian from 1976, but I don't care anymore. I'm done. I can't take shopping for clothes anymore for a while.

3) I harmed myself at the gym yesterday, and I have no idea how. I kind of have to shuffle from place to place at this point, but it is getting better. Yesterday I got up to walk down the hall and promptly fell over into the wall. :) I'm so graceful.

4) Steve and I have been playing Lego Indiana Jones, and it's so much fun! Well, except in those places where we keep falling off of cliffs or missing walkways and have to start all over. A part of me is sad that I've spent the last three days playing a video game at night. The rest of me is having too much fun to care. :)

5) I'm usually done with Christmas shopping by September, but since I wasn't sure who I'd be spending the holidays with this year, or even if I'd celebrate them at all, I didn't bother shopping. Now I'm very far behind with my Alabama family. I'm going to have to shop *gulp* during the Christmas shopping rush. I think I'll just wrap things in the house and give them to family members. What? I have nice things! Don't judge me!

YES, I NORMALLY LIKE SCARY MOVIES

I saw a movie yesterday that scared me badly. I knew it was supposed to be a scary movie, but I didn't think it would be that bad! It was called "The Strangers." Now, if you want to watch this movie for yourself and see what happened, go away immediately! I'm going to talk about it so I'll feel better! Shoo!

OK, the story is about this young couple already having a really bad night. They were on their way home from a wedding, where the guy had proposed to his girlfriend at the reception. She said no (she wasn't ready), so understandably, they weren't happy. Their original plan was to go to his parent's - predictably isolated - summer house that night to stay and then go on a road trip the next day. Of course, telling her boyfriend she wouldn't marry him kind of changed plans for them. When they got to the house, the guy had decorated the place with candles, roses, and champagne, which didn't make either of them feel any better about what happened. Needless to say, everything was kind of sad and awkward. The guy calls his best friend and leaves a voice mail asking if he will pick him up the next day because things didn't go as planned. That's important, I swear. He goes back to the girl and while they were talking, a woman knocks on the door and asks them if "Tamera" was there. They tell her no, she had the wrong house, and she says "are you sure?" and then walks away. It was creepy, but not too weird. Inside the house things continue to be awkward, and when the girl runs out of cigarettes, the guy says he'll go and get her more and leaves her at home alone.

While he's gone, she starts hearing things. The woman who had knocked earlier comes back and knocks on the door again, and asks again if Tamera was there. The girl, already freaked out, says that she had already been there and asked that, and the woman says "are you sure?" again and then walks away. The girl calls her boyfriend and tells him that weird stuff is going on, and for him to hurry up and come home, but the phone cuts off. She keeps hearing weird things, and finally opens the curtain and sees this huge dude outside with a mask over his face. It was just a bag with eye holes cut out of it and a mouth drawn on, but it was a freakishly scary mask. She screams and hides. Her boyfriend finally comes home and she's trying to get him to understand what has been going on, but he doesn't believe her. Instead of shagging ass to the car and getting the hell out of Dodge, he tells her nothing was outside and spends valuable time trying to calm her down. When she runs to get her cell phone, it's gone. The guy goes back to his car to get his own cell and sees that his car had been destroyed. He finally believes the girl was telling the truth. It all kind of went downhill after that. The boyfriend winds up accidentally killing his best friend with a shotgun because he didn't realize the friend had felt so sorry for him that he came out there that night to get him. The three bad people (2 girls and a guy, all in masks) methodically terrorize the couple, as well as cut off all means of communication to the outside world. They wind up mentally torturing them for hours and eventually killing them, all "because they were home."

I can't say that the director didn't use some of the cheaper forms of scaring the viewer, because there were plenty of those sudden noises and misdirection that startle you. However, it was so atmospheric and, well, scary. There are scenes where it's totally quiet and the room is full of shadows, so your focused on the main actor, but eventually you realize that you see a faint silhouette or the faintest glimpse of a white mask in the shadows. They didn't use normal, scary music at all to alert you to what might happen. In fact, there isn't really any music at all in the movie except for what they show playing on an old record player in the house. The music that plays is weirdly cheerful and unsettling, because it doesn't fit what's going on. The whole movie is quiet, except for that music, with very little dialogue. The bad guys aren't supernatural, but they give off that impression because they appear and disappear so quickly, between the three of them there are only two lines that are spoken, and the masks they wear have frozen expressions that don't allow you to see them as human at all. Not to mention, you can tell they were just playing with the two people to scare them as much as possibly before they killed them, and enjoying it the whole time. I think part of what made it so scary was that it was plausible. Maybe real people would have reacted differently than the victims did, and maybe the bad guys wouldn't have been able to pull things off so smoothly, but in the realm of hard-core-crazies, you never know. The movie was probably more of a psychological thriller than a proper horror movie, but it was really, damn scary. It made getting to sleep difficult, and movies don't normally do that to me anymore.

It was scary. I watched it in daylight and it was still scary. So, there you go. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and find a weapon to carry around with me today.

WELL, THAT WAS AWKWARD.

I have a theory about the Comfortable Silence. They are either automatic when you click with someone immediately, they grow organically as you get to know people better, or they simply don't exist at all with some people. You never really know how much you take a comfortable silence for granted until you are faced with an uncomfortable one.

We have a new guy working here that I haven't had a chance to get to know very well. He seems really sweet and like someone I could possibly become good friends with given a chance. Yesterday I was sitting at my desk fooling around on my computer when I happened to look up and see the new guy in my doorway. He didn't really say anything, but just stood there and smiled. I said hello, thinking he needed something, and he just kept smiling and standing there. He did eventually tell me he was up there to see one of my co-workers who turned out not to be in his office, and decided to say hello to me while he was there. We sat there basically smiling and looking at each other for a while. I had no idea what to say. I mean, as most of you know I could talk to a mailbox for an hour, if it were a familiar mailbox. I suddenly started feeling awkward. I wanted very badly to make him feel comfortable and not bored, but the more that I wracked my brain for a subject, the less my mind wanted to fix on a subject. I mean, I don't really know the guy! Outwardly, I probably looked fine, except for the big smile that never left my face, but inside I was thinking "OK, what can I talk about? I don't know! He's going to think I'm an idiot if I just sit here and smile. But he's not saying anything, either! He's just standing there and smiling! Dear Lord, I don't know what to do! Now I'm awkward! Awkward! AHHHHHHHH!" It was traumatic.

We finally did end up talking a little and to kind of break the awkwardness I jumped up to try and see if I could find whatever it was he came up here to get from my co-worker. I babbled to fill up quiet time, which probably made me sound silly. We also spent a lot of time just looking at each other and smiling because we didn't know what to say. If he's going to work here and come to visit me, I'm going to need to find out more about him. I'll google him if I have to!

Quick note: I hate working out.

That is all. Carry on.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I had a dream last night that I had died. Don't worry, though. Even though I was dead, it wasn't a bad dream. I was a ghost and I went to my funeral, which for some reason was being held in the church I attended when I was younger. I was floating down the center aisle and looking at who was there, but I didn't recognize anyone. There weren't that many people there, and they all seemed to be busy messing around with their cell phones or playing games on hand-held things. No one seemed sad, or even interested that this was a funeral! I was pissed! After it was over, I went back to someone's house (where several people from my family had gathered) and I spent a great deal of time getting revenge on their indifference by scaring the hell out of everyone by moving things around and knocking things over. :) It was funny.

2) I'm so tired this morning! When I go to the gym, I have to wake up at 4:30 to get there when it opens. It's not that I'm that dedicated about working out, but I know if I don't go first thing in the morning, I will be too tired to go after work. Normally I feel a lot better and awake after I do this, but today I feel like I've been drugged and I'm really sore. I shouldn't be sore, because I've been working out, at the very least, once a week since late May or early June of this year. That brings me to another point: I thought working out helped you lose weight! It's a lie! A lie, I say! I'm either going to have to completely stop eating altogether, or cut off a part of my body to lose weight. I don't want to do either of those things! No fair!

3) I think I had more to say, but my mind keeps wandering this morning. I'll write again if I remember what I was going to say.

I know I've mentioned on here before that on our anniversary, Steve and I go to the list of "proper anniversary gifts" and buy something that corresponds with the appropriate year. This year, number 8, the choices were traditional: Bronze/Pottery or modern: Linen/Lace. Quite honestly, since the gift is for both of us to share, none of those choices sounded good. We decided that we could reserve the right to look outside of those perimeters and pick a gift that we liked better, and we did.

We have decided that year 8 would be: The Year of Rock Band 2!

Yes, somewhere deep inside we are both 12 years old.

We actually bought the game Saturday, you know, since we'd probably be busy on Tuesday. Heh, yeah...that's why. We've been having fun playing the game, although there are some things we haven't figured out. Steve plays the guitar and I play the drums. I kind of suck at the drums, but I am better at them than Steve is, owing, no doubt, to my 4 years of being in the percussion section of my high school band. Granted, I didn't play the drums. I played the xylophone. However, I guess since I once hit an instrument with sticks, that makes me the drummer! So far I can only play in "easy" mode, but I only started playing this week. I'll practice and soon I'll be better than that one armed fella from Def Lepard!

A MEME ACCORDING TO iTUNES

1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, Winamp, etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put the artist after a dash following the song name.
5. Put any comments in brackets.

How would you describe yourself?

Beer For My Horses - Toby Keith & Willie Nelson [ I choose to believe this means I'm intoxicating. Otherwise I'm stumped]

How do you feel today?

Dr. Feelgood - Motley Crue [Word]

What is your life's purpose?

Hello Mr. Heartache - Dixie Chicks [Hmmm...does that mean I'm the heart breaker? I hope so!]

What is your motto?

A Kiss To Build A Dream On - Louis Armstrong [I can totally appreciate the idea in that song!]

What do you think about very often?

Rock -N- Me - Steve Miller Band [Well, I wasn't aware I thought of that very often]

What is your life story?

The Saga Begins - Weird Al [My story would have less Gunguns, but it's close to the truth.]

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Breathless -The Coors [Hopefully in the amazed way and not like, emphysema or something]

What will you dance to at your wedding?

The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra [Not bad. Now to find a Sinatra fan who'll marry me!]

What will they play at your funeral?

I'll Fly Away - Allison Krausse [Not a bad idea, actually]

What is your hobby/interest?

I Love Rock and Roll - Joan Jett [Again, I think my iTunes over emphasizes my interest in Rock music]

If you could do anything right now, what would it be?

Something Deep Inside - Billie Piper [That kind of sounds dirty. My apologies.]

What do you want most of all?

Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe - Barry White [*snickers* OK, I apologize again]

What is your greatest fear?

L-O-V-E -Nat King Cole [Maybe being without it, but I actually like L-O-V-E. iTunes FAIL!]

What is your darkest secret?

Broken Wing - Martina McBride [Which is why I don't fly without a plane these days.]

What is your favorite thing in the world?

Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash [Yes. I like to shoot people just to watch them die.]

If you could have one wish, what would you wish for?

At Last - Etta James [This has no relevance to the question unless the words to the song count]

What is your theme song?

Pump It - Black Eyed Peas [I'm not exactly sure what this song is about, but OK!]

The next time you hear this song (aside from now, that is), you must dance.

You Drive Me Crazy - Britney Spears [Already do that, iTunes. Way ahead of you.]

Why will you post this meme?

It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones [HAHAHAHAHA! It's really not!]

Maybe this just proves have very confused taste in music.

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) OK, so Obama won the election. Good for him! I'm not going to lie and say I voted for him, but to be frank, I practically eenie-meenie-miney-moed in this election. I'm not proud of that, because I would much rather vote because I believe in someone and what they stood for. There were only one or two tiny things that I liked about McCain that I didn't like about Obama, so that's how I chose. However, I want to say that I think the new president-elect seems very sincere about his desires to make a difference and I hope the changes he makes are ultimately positive ones. Now, of course, I get to go to a family gathering in the nest couple of days and listen to the racist side of my family bitch and moan about a black man being president. Beer me strength.

2) I'm so tired. Steve had to go into work last night to some work on a network thing (I'm not going to pretend to act as if I understood what it was) and I went with him. We got there at a bit after 10 p.m. and stayed there until after 2 a.m. this morning. I mainly sat in his office and read catalogs and played Solitaire with real cards! I don't like playing solitaire with real cards because you have to shuffle them and set them up, and I'm not good at shuffling cards. I had no idea we had been there so long until about an hour before we left. Steve showed off all of his high tech toys, and I got to see him and his co-worker Alan in action. I was duly impressed. However, I've decided that if I had to do their job, I'd shoot myself. I just would. Server rooms are some of the most depressing places on earth.

3) I was able to get in touch with a friend of mine from high school after Googling his name the other day. Well, I say we were friends, but we had a love/hate relationship for a long time after we went together for a while and then broke up. Ultimately, though, we ended up friends after we realized how dumb it was to not like each other for reasons neither one of us could determine. He makes me feel dumb, though. He doesn't do it on purpose, but he has a PhD in Secondary Education (or some such thing) and is an assistant professor at JSU. I only got my BA last year! Oh well, he was always more driven than me, so I'm proud of him. He told me he was on his way to Texas to present and that his oldest son will be 6 this year! So now I feel dumb and old! :)

4) My novel writing isn't going so well. It isn't that I don't know what to write, but I have a problem with adding in too much exposition, and it makes my story all convoluted. I didn't expect my first attempt at writing to be All Quiet on the Western Front or anything, but I kind of figured I'd do better than I am. Oh well, it's all about the journey, right? Anyone? Eh, I'll do my best. That's all I can do!

5) Here is another picture from St. Louis, just for funzies. It's kind of a neat shot, even if it's a bit crooked and dark. I wish I'd had a tripod, but I don't tend to visit friends with a portable studio in tow. This was taken from the top of Bro. Josh's building that he lives in.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Voting day is tomorrow and I'm not comfortable with who I'm going to vote for. Quite honestly, I'm not comfortable with either candidate. I want to vote for who I believe would be best for the job due to their stance on a lot of different issues, but it's been so difficult to even know for sure what those things were this time. I mean, if I want to vote for someone who has been on SNL more often or who has the best commercials, I wouldn't have had a problem deciding. However, this time it seems to be all about hype and I don't want to vote on hype. I am usually excited about voting, but this time I'm not because I don't know if either person is going to be good for the country. I don't like to be "Meh" about the person who is going to run our country.

2) Steve got to experience Fathead Rudepants at the gym today. He's the guy who gets on a stationary bike for five minutes, but feels he needs to cut off the TV in front of him before he can pedal. Apparently he flipped off the TV that someone was watching this time. Too bad a fight didn't break out! I'd like to see those geezers in a dog pile!

3) I'm writing a novel! Wait, let me rephrase: I'm attempting to write a novel. Because Amy inspired me, I decided to join NaNoWriMo this year. For the uninitiated, that is "National Novel Writing Month" and it's where you try (emphasis on try) to complete a 50,000 word novel in a month. It sounds daunting, but I'm going to try! So far I have 368 words or so (heh heh heh). I'm glad that the book doesn't have to be any good or even publishable. I just want to be able to mark "Write a Novel" off of my "Things To Do" list. Go me!

4) I still haven't pulled myself from the sticky pool of complete apathy long enough to tell you about my trip to St. Louis, but here are a couple of pictures to tide you over. Enjoy!
Metropolis, IL (I think). No, I wasn't intentionally trying to kick Superman in the crotch.
Jesuit Hall, St. Louis, MO. Steve and Bro. Josh in his Jedi Robes. On one of our walks, it was very windy and his cape thing kept getting tangled around my head. True story.
The Arch, St. Louis, MO. No, I didn't go into the arch (already done that) but no picture of St. Louis would be complete without the arch, right? I had to lay down in a parking lot to get this shot. Also, I hate wearing sneakers with those pants. I don't know why.

I have found a new favorite movie. Unless you've seen it, you probably won't understand why it's funny.

It is, though. :)

Ack. I totally just blanked on my co-worker's name. I don't mean I just couldn't remember it for a second, I mean I couldn't remember it at all. I had to go and ask him. Well, I went to ask him and then remembered his name when I was looking at him, but it was scary! Scary and kind of embarrassing, because when I went into his office and started to ask, I suddenly shouted out "ANDREW! Your name is Andrew!" I'm glad he has a sense of humor.

Something is wrong with my brain, seriously. My perspective of time is all out of whack and I'm forgetting really random, yet completely familiar, things. Steve went to help Anthony sort out a computer problem the other day and he left while I was reading something on the internet. I looked up at the clock and thought "Good grief, he's been gone for an hour! It's not time for him to be there yet, but he's gone! Where did he go?" I called his cell and he was in the car driving over there. He had only been gone for 15 minutes. It was really strange. I was so confused that it scared me. That has happened more than once over the past couple of weeks. Does stress do this to people? Anyone? Bleh. I'm not old enough for memory issues of this magnitude.

In other news, we just got back from a week long trip to St. Louis, which was fun. I couldn't "Blog Along the Way" because I didn't have much access to a computer, but I'll tell you all about it when my brain is back in working order. Wait...no. I'll tell you about it before then, because that could take years! I'll post about it soon. :)

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Now that I'm fairly established as the "Friendly Neighborhood Sign Lady" (and yes, I sign emails that way when sending something out en masse) I am given a bit more leeway to do different things with my special event signage. The standard signs are white, with red and blue borders, a SpRocket logo at the top and "welcomes" the name or logo of the group having the event. However, since we've built the Davidson Center, we are getting more things like wedding receptions and rehearsal dinners and a lot of our guests want signs that match their wedding colors or invitations or whatever. That probably would have been a no-go at some point, but now that we are hurting for money, people who pay get what they want! :) I like doing the wedding and rehearsal dinner signs because it gives me a chance to do a bit more design work than usual and I get to use fonts other than Helvetica Black. Occasionally I get a request for an culturally specific event that I'm completely clueless about, so I have to be very careful about colors or symbols or whatever. Yesterday I got a request for a sign for something called a Simcha, which the internet tells me is a Jewish celebration that can be for anything. I am not Jewish and I know all of one Jewish person (and as far as I know, she is from a Jewish family but doesn't follow the lifestyle). Ergo, I was lost. At any rate, since it was for a rehearsal dinner, I knew I didn't have to be too specific with traditions, even if I did want to be sensitive about their traditions. So, I researched and downloaded things and did a lot of rearranging and starting over until I had what I believed was both appropriate and pretty. Then I checked to see what wording was requested for the sign and it said "Shalom, Y'all". I kid you not. I was not aware that we had Jewish rednecks in Huntsville, or anywhere else in the world, but there you go. You learn something new everyday. SIGH.

2) I watched a very scary movie on YouTube yesterday! Normally I can watch scary movies and they don't bother me, but this one was freaky. It's called [REC] and it's basically the Spanish-language original that the movie "Quarantine" is based on. Steve hates horror movies, so I knew I'd have to wait until it came out on DVD before I'd get a chance to see Quarantine, so I decided to watch the original with the subtitles. If you like scary movies, I suggest you watch this one (you can find it on Google Video, too). It's very claustrophobic and freaky. I watched it during my lunch break yesterday and I was listening to it with my earphones in. There were a lot of jump-out-at-you moments, so I can only imagine the sounds coming from my office: silence then "AHHH!" more silence then "NOOO!" It was the kind of movie that made it hard for me to sleep, so it must have been scary. The only other movie that does that to me is The Exorcist, and I refuse to watch that one ever again.

3) My voice is almost gone. I ran out of allergy meds on the same day that I had to replace a sign outside. The sign is planted in a built up flower bed that is about waist high on me and the flowers poked me in the face the whole time. I have been fighting my body's urge to get any worse, and I even bought the kind of allergy medicine that you have to get by giving a DNA sample and 8 forms of identification to the pharmacy. If I but anything else with pseudoephedrine in it in the next couple of days, the FBI will come and cart me off. I'm on their Meth watch list now, I suppose. Of course, we also have the nice cough syrup that Steve got the last time his allergies were acting up, so I take that too. It makes me all warm and tingly. DARN POLLEN. It's freaking October! Go away already!

Hello :)

It's been a while, but I'll be honest, I haven't really felt like writing lately.

No, don't worry, everything is OK right now and hopefully getting better as the days go on. I've just been in a kind of "blah" about everything, including my blog. Blasphemy, I know. I suppose it's my subconscious' way of saying "Well, you just spent 3 1/2 months in a kind of borderline insane/hurt/losing-ones-mind hell, so maybe we'll just try to see what it's like to be calm and a bit bored for a while, shall we?" My subconscious is cool like that, sometimes.

(This next part is a bit personal, so for anyone sensitive to that kind of thing who doesn't want to read it, you can go now.)

So here's an update: things have been better for the past couple of weeks. Steve and I are working on making things better and I'm trying very hard to deal with everything that happened without going crazy. It isn't easy, but I'm doing OK with it. My main problem right now, even though it isn't a constant issue, is being angry. Not mad, not irritated, but ANGRY. It's a scary feeling, because I don't have much (if any) experience with true anger and I don't like it. I can be rolling along, feeling fine, and then it hits me and I find myself standing there shaking and wanting to hurt people. It ruins my day. I know I could never hurt any of them as bad as they did me, but I want to try. I want to make them suffer and I hate the way that feels. I now understand why wrath is one of the 7 deadly sins, because it feels evil. However, I'm working on dealing with the anger and I think I'm doing OK. Please don't think I'm going to wind up on a roof with a sniper rifle or anything like that, though. :) Apparently it is a level of the grief process, which our counselor said I would go through, and that it's normal, but I really hope it goes away soon. I pray for the anger to be taken away and to be given charity, like it says in 1 Corinthians 13, in its place. I'm certain that I'll have that in time. I just wish it was soon.

Other than that, things seem to be going OK. We have good days and not so good days, but we are both trying to figure out how to do the things for each other that need to be done. It's an ongoing process and there is always the chance we just can't fix it, but so far so good. I'm kind of a basket case at times, but honestly, I believe I have the right to be. Don't you?

I know that some of you don't understand why I didn't just leave and take everything with me, but that never seemed like the right thing to do, to me at least. On TV and the movies, it seems so cut and dried. When something like that happens, there is nothing you can do but turn your back and walk away. However, it wasn't like that for me at all. I had so many people giving me advice and telling me what I should do, I just ended up confused. It's not that I didn't appreciate the advice, and it wasn't that it was bad advice (most of it was excellent, actually), but I knew I'd eventually have to make up my own mind about how to deal with things no matter what I was told. After many "dark nights of the soul" I finally just had to tell God to take it, because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I couldn't deal with it mentally, physically or emotionally any longer or I probably would have literally gone insane. When I finally lay it down, things began to get easier. I believe that we are doing the right thing at this point, and not just because it was what I originally wanted. It's not easy. I know that quite a few of you who read this blog don't really believe in God and probably think I've deluded myself into following this path out of some kind of martyr's obligation. I can respect that, I guess. It's not true, but I can respect it. I just also hope that you realize I'm not nearly as naive as that. :)

Anyways, enough of that. I just wanted to get that out of the way so that I can hopefully move on and write about nice things here again. I miss being silly and would like to get back to it as soon as I can.

This amuses me.

Hello! I hope no one is offended if they tried to call or e-mail me last week. Steve and I went on a trip to Myrtle Beach, so I was kind of out of pocket. I wasn't ignoring you, I promise. We just needed to get away for a few days, and we did. It was nice.

The trip went really well. We stayed in a nice place called Carribean Resort & Villas, which was one of the last hotels on the shore before you get to the private sea-side houses (one of which I'm going to live in one day...hopefully) and it was much nicer than I was expecting. I thought that Myrtle Beach was just another cheesy beach town like Panama City, FL. Not that I'm saying Panama City doesn't have merits, but it is kind of skeezy in places. :) We were there from Tuesday to Friday, so we even missed the weekend traffic. It was quiet, with things winding down from the tourist season, but we did manage to get there right in the middle of the Biker Convention. Fortunately or unfortunately, none of the bikers asked me to be their old lady, but there's always next year!

I got up super early on Wednesday morning to watch the sun rise over the ocean. I couldn't find anything on TV that would tell me what time the sun was supposed to come up, so I finally just went down with my chair and waited it out. It was beautiful, and I got a lot of nice pictures of the sun coming up. I'll post a few here later on. I watched the sun come up, took pictures for myself, took pictures for an elderly couple who wanted to be together in front of the sunrise, and collected shells. There weren't that many nice shells out this time of year, at least not ON the beach, but I found quite a few I liked. I'm a scavenger. Don't judge me. It wasn't all lovely, though. When I was getting ready to go back inside, I felt something hit me, but didn't think anything of it. It was only later, when I was putting away some clothes, that I noticed that a sea gull pooped on me and that is what I felt hit me. I mean seriously, there were only about 6 seagulls out there, there were dozens of people, and it pooped on me. Figures. I also managed to get attacked by a fairly unusually large wave. Steve was watching me get into the water, and I'm not kidding when I say that the biggest wave I'd seen all day rose up righteous and body slammed me into a bed of broken sea shells and drug me along. It probably didn't take that long for me to get free and get back on the beach, but it felt like I was tossed around for an hour. I had sand and crushed sea shells in places that I didn't realize I had, enough sand in my bathing suit bottoms to build a castle, and I don't know how I did it, but the top of my suit was filled with tiny sea shells, too. Steve was laughing at me when I finally got out and struggled back to our beach chairs, but he stopped when he realized I was bleeding from two very abraded places on my left leg. Those hastared shells were SHARP. I managed not to bleed on too much, but I stayed out of the ocean after that. We spent the rest of our outdoor time that day in the pool and in the lazy river that our hotel had. I am also not sure what kind of seashells got into my suit and on to my skin, but they stuck tight and wouldn't come off. It took me almost two showers to get all of them off. I was still finding pieces of the shells in my hair over the next two days!

Wednesday was also the one year anniversary of when my father died, and I don't know what it says about me, but I was glad not to be at home. I spent that morning thinking about him while I walked on the beach. It made me think of the rare times my family got to go on vacation, so they were good thoughts. It helped not being at home where the memories were much less pleasant, even though I probably should have been near my mom and sister. I got to grieve for him in my own way, so I'm not sorry.

We spent the rest of our trip just relaxing, eating, and shopping. I finally got to go to a World Market and a Ripley's Aquarium! We also ate at a place called "The Melting Pot" which was nice, but kind of expensive. I joked with Steve that it was probably the only time I could ever convince him to cook his own dinner. :) It was a really nice trip and I think it helped being away from things for a few days. We got some important talking done, which was good, and we just used the time to try and have fun together, which we did. It was a good trip.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING - Yeah, I've got Blogging ADD

1) Saw the season opener of "The Office" last night and loved it. However, I feel like kind of a huge nerd for being excited that Jim and Pam finally got engaged. Hey, I can live vicariously through fake people's joy, can't I?

2) I got a honey-wheat bagel for breakfast this morning, which was sweet and yummy for the most part. Halfway through, I took a bite from a spot that apparently had been bumped up against a garlic bagel because it went from sweet to OMG, Keeping-Vampires-Away! It hit before I noticed, so I had a bite of strong garlic and grape jelly. I don't recommend that combination. Bleck.

3) Today is my last day of work before my annual lay-off. I'll only be off a week instead of two, but I don't mind. Maybe I'll go on a trip or something, who knows? I kind of wish I didn't have to be anywhere around here next week, because Wednesday will mark the one year anniversary of the day my dad died and the beginning of a whole year of complete, fucking sucktitude. I know that sounds overly dramatic to some of you, but alas, it's the truth. When the one day of the year that was actually good was my birthday (and you know how my birthdays usually go) then that should be proof enough for you. I want the good things in my life back. I miss them.

Somehow, this only makes me want him more.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) It's official. I'm addicted to Iron Chef. Ever since I found out I can watch the original Japanese version on YouTube, it's all I seem to do when I have the time. I like the American version of the show a lot, but there is something about Chairman Kaga that makes me smile. I also like the fact that they dub the voices with people who sound like they are commentating for Monday Night Football. Good stuff.

2) I didn't go to the gym this morning because I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I woke up, I argued with myself, I shamed myself and I still didn't go. That is not a good way to deal with exercise. Too bad I can't just do it in my sleep.

3) I fell down in the kitchen last night while on my way to throw something away. My big toe got caught in my pajama pants cuff and I just went over. Hard. I skinned my wrist and banged my elbow on my left side, and I have bruises on my right knee. I just kind of lay in the floor for a while in a daze. Such is my life lately, I suppose.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I need to get gas, badly. I meant to get some last Monday when I was off from work, but I was too tried after my morning of doctor appointments and errands. Had I known the fuel-price insanity that would begin in my town, I would have filled up the tank, the trunk and the back seat too. Now I can't find too many places that even have gas, so I'm boned. I am going to have to find a place on the way home or I'm going to get stuck somewhere.

2) Blerg, I hate fall allergies. I was out of work again last Thursday because of them and I kept dozing off anytime I got still yesterday. Right now I feel as if my muscles are on fire and my sinuses are stuffed with fiberglass insulation. Lots of fun.

3) The Sprocket is going to change it's hours this fall to save some money. They are going to be closed Mondays and Tuesdays from November 1 till some time in February. It won't change my hours, thank goodness, but customer service personnel will be changed. All I really care about is that for a few weeks, we'll be able to do repairs and put things up without having to do it in front of an audience. :)

4) I need to get to work! I've been sitting here doing nothing for long enough. Have a wonderful day, you guys.

Nothing stays the same from day to day. Good things turn into bad things and one decision changes to another with amazing speed. I want the good and happy things. Normal things. I haven't gone crazy yet, so there's that.

I know some of you must think I'm sort of an insufferable whiner or something, but this is honestly very, very hard. Hard for both of us.

Please for more prayers, if you have some to spare.

That is all.

Hi

I just wanted you guys to know I'm still alive. If you've e-mailed or called and haven't heard back from me, it's only because I've been in "Hiding Mode" lately. Please don't think I'm ignoring you or anything. Hopefully I will be more responsive soon. Thanks for checking in with me.

I hope things are well with you all.

Why am I always doing or saying just the wrong thing?

My foot, lost in Oakland, Ca. See the plight kids?

Prayers still, please.

Prayers. Please.

I'm having a very bad panic attack right now. I'm afraid and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm afraid about what I'm going to hear. I really wish everything was back to normal again.

I still have a sad, but I'm wanted to change my picture.
This is my foot in Key Largo. Well, on the side of the road in Key Largo. We were stuck in traffic.

This is my foot at the 17 Mile Drive, near Pebble Beach in California. I'd like to be back there right now, please.

I don't want to go to work today. I want to do something fun.
Here is my foot at the Grand Canyon. My feet didn't enjoy the Grand Canyon as much as the rest of me did.

Several people feel I'm being too personal with my blog entries these days, so I'll just post interesting pictures until things don't feel as personal.

This is a high speed image of a drop of milk. I like it.

Hello.

Just to let you know, things are OK right now. Once again, not good or great, but OK. I can handle OK. I just wish there were some good things to come, but I'm too scared to think too far into the future - especially when it seems like just when something decent could be happening, I get kicked in the face again. I'll just take it one day at a time at this point. If I don't, I'll go crazy.

I keep falling asleep at my desk and drafting table either because I'm not sleeping well at night or because of the anti-anxiety medication. Either way, I hope I don't wake up with an Exacto knife implanted in my face because I dozed off while holding it. Well, even if I do, scars give character, right? Look at Harry Potter....

Things keep changing every few hours, it seems, but I think I'm handling things well for right now. Thanks for coming here to check on me. I like knowing that most of you want to know how I'm doing. For the rest of you who are just being nosey...well, you're welcome here too. I'm not going to blame you for being nosey. I'd probably be nosey too if it weren't my life!

At any rate, I hope things are going well for all of you. Hopefully I'll feel like updating my blog more often, soon.

I am so confused.

Well...not much new to say. Steve didn't file on Monday because we thought it would be better for me to file myself, due to the circumstances. My appointment with the attorney is October 3rd, which is the soonest I could get a consultation with this particular lady. Well, unless Steve decides to find another place so that the documents can be filed sooner. I guess we'll just wait and see. I'm praying for God's will to be done for both of us, and peace in our hearts and minds. I ask that you all do the same thing for us, please.

Also, I need prayers that I can find a safe and affordable place to live.

I'm terribly unhappy and so is Steve. I wish none of this was happening. Pray for us.

I'm not doing so great. I know that's been the norm around here lately, but I think I'm finally at the breaking point and I don't know what to do.

I suppose you will hear it sooner or later, but Steve has decided to file for divorce. He doesn't think that we can do anything to fix things. It's not just about his infidelities anymore, but he tells me that he has been unhappy for a long time. He has been "content" but not happy. I didn't know. I feel like I should have known so that I could have done something to fix it. He told me that if I wasn't willing to have children, then he didn't want to be married to me. He doesn't like to talk to me, or look at me, and if we are going to have to be in the same house for longer than a few hours, he goes off and leaves me here alone. I've become a problem to be avoided, and I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to deserve it. He's not even doing it maliciously, which makes it even harder to understand. I'm not saying any of this to make him out as the bad guy, because I don't think he is. I've failed him in some way that I don't understand. I'm a failure at being a wife and a partner. I didn't mean to be.

I don't know if I can stand it. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not. I'm not strong at all. They don't see me on the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying because it hurts so much. I'm not strong. I'm losing everything and I don't know how to handle it. I'm so sad. Everyone keeps telling me things are going to be alright, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like someone ripping my stomach out and leaving me there to die. I have no choice in the matter. Things just keep getting worse and worse. My friends at the SpRocket won't talk to me anymore either, and I don't know why. Apparently there are some of our friends who told Steve that they thought we should have gotten divorced long ago, but I don't understand why. I was happy. I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong. I'm so stupid!

I've been getting things together and packing them away, and it hurts like someone just died. There are so many pictures of us having fun...I don't know when things changed.

I'm dying inside a little more every day. My whole life is being stolen from me. Everything I've worked for and loved is being taken and I hurt so much. I can't even begin to explain it. I didn't do anything...and now I'm losing everything that matters. I'm not strong and I'm not fine. Maybe I will be one day, but it doesn't feel like it. Things just keep getting worse. I've failed and I'm so sorry.

I went to my individual appointment yesterday, and I suppose it went well. Honestly, I can't remember much of what we talked about except that I babbled and don't know if I actually answered any of her questions directly. She did ask how I felt about everything, I remember that. I also believe I could have talked for another hour and not repeated myself. We mostly talked about Steve and what he did, and I never realized how hard it is to try and explain your life to a complete stranger and not make it sound crazy. Maybe our life has been crazy in some way and I just never realized. I don't know.

Steve went this morning, and I hope she can help him.

This is the first time that I've had absolutely no security in any aspect of my life, and it scares me to death. I don't know how to act, or what to say and not say, and there are so many things that have to be put on hold until I know if I'm even going to be staying married or not. I hate this so much, and there isn't anything I can do to make it better. I hate it. There is no reason that any of this had to happen. NO. DAMN. REASON. AT. ALL. It just hurts too much. However, I have no choice but to deal with it, and I am. I'll be OK. Someday.

For those of you wondering, things are OK. Not great, not good, but OK. At least I have been able to stay home, which helps. Our first individual therapy sessions are this week, and I can only hope they do something positive. A lot of people I've talked to have told me that therapy doesn't really help, but I hope there can at least be some good in there. I need a tiny bit of good. Please?

BROTHER JOSH, THIS IS FOR YOU.

Sorry for the bad picture, but it was the only one of me in official dress that I could find. Click to enlarge.

As you know, my mom got married in June. They didn't have a wedding, per se, but got married by a judge at the courthouse in Athens. My aunts, however, threw them a reception at her house afterwards and my Aunt and I were in charge of taking pictures. When putting the pictures on a disk for her, I took a few minutes and made them a DVD slide show to watch on their TV (they are a bit technologically impaired) and I put it YouTube so they could send the link to their friends. It isn't anything fancy, but I thought I'd share it with all of you, too. I think it's kind of cute. Enjoy.

Hmmmmmm...

I checked the tracking on my blog and realized I've been found by more than one person who has been typing the words "FFA + Pantyhose" into the search engine. Apparently, sometime in the past I have mentioned the time I interviewed for a district officer position (which I didn't get, sadly) and the fake tattoo I had on my ankle (and forgot to take off before the interview) could be seen through my pantyhose.

I can't imagine what would be the purpose of searching for those two particular words together unless there is some strange facet of the FFA (Future Farmers of America, for the unwashed) that wasn't in play during my years in the club. Of course, they could just be curious about official dress for a girl, in which case I might can help. It's been 12 years since I donned the corduroy jacket, but here is what I remember: White shirt with a collar, official FFA ascot (very sexy), black skirt or slacks, hose, black shoes, and the ever stylish National Blue & Corn Gold FFA jacket zipped up.

Hope that helped.

Weirdos.

SIGH.

There are so many things I don't understand anymore.

I can't understand how things can get so completely terrible between two people in such a short about of time. I can't understand how someone can consider throwing away years of their life with someone else without even trying to fight to save them. I can't understand how the things in my life that I've created, loved and worked for could just be discarded without my consent. I can't understand why any of this stuff is happening at all. People keep telling me that all of this is happening for a reason, but I certainly hope it's a GOOD reason.

However, I do know this: I'm going to be OK. Whatever happens, I'm going to be fine. I might not like the road I have to travel, but I'm going to travel it and I'm going to make the best out of whatever hand I'm dealt. I have people in my life who support me and love me and they will help me through all of this. I have to be strong, so I will be. I have to be smart, so I will be. I have to be forgiving, loving, and be able to deal with things that hurt and disappoint, and I will. There have been times lately that I thought I would just rather be dead than to feel as bad as I had been, but I know that isn't true. I didn't cause any of this, but it affects me and I have to deal with it. I'll be OK. I promise.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) I finally got my permanent crown this morning and it feels really weird. It isn't that it doesn't fit, but the tooth that was crowned had a filling in it for about 18 years, so it's strange not to fill the little ridges from that. Also, it doesn't feel all huge and awkward like the temporary crown, so I've got to get used to that too. The lady at the dentist office gave me the mold of my mouth that they used to build the crown, and it's mounted on this hinged, pinchy thing. I'm going to scare the hell out of the dogs with that tonight.

2) I think the SpRocket just got buzzed by some kind of military vehicle or something. I was listening to my iPod and messing around with the computer, when my office started to shake. Something sounded like thunder to begin with, but kept getting louder. Then a huge shadow went past the window. It scared me, so I raised the blind on the window and saw a bunch of camp kids looking over the museum. Whatever flew over was both loud and huge. The SpRocket isn't on a flight path with commercial airplanes because of the Saturn V and Space Shot, but we do get military helicopters doing fly-bys occasionally. If that is what it was, it was probably a Chinook or something. It had to be. No little Blackhawk could have made a sound like that. If it wasn't a helicopter, then somebody's got some 'splaining to do.

3) The licensing guy for the SpRocket has asked me to build a model of a proposed building. I build things like that all of the time, but not from engineering schematics. He talked like it was the easiest thing in the world, but I still had to get my boss to print out the basic shape of it so I could put it together. I hope I don't mess anything up. We are going to be showing it to NASA in hopes that they will give us one of the space shuttles once they are decommissioned.
No pressure, right? Heh...

Just FYI, I'm probably going to be going insane if things don't start getting better soon.

Just wanted to let you guys know that in case you see me on the news. I don't want anyone to think it came out of nowhere.

Nah, I'm doing OK. I'm just confused about everything and where it is going. I'll be alright.

We went to our first counseling session this morning. I wasn't expecting much from the doctor since it was our first time there, but we were able to tell her at least the gist of what was going on. She seemed nice enough and she told us that there were no guarantees, but that it was at least worth it for us to try and work things out. We each have to go to an individual session, which I don't mind so much. I suppose she needs to pick our brains separately so that she will know which one of us is the crazy one. Twenty bucks says it's me. :)

The place we went had a lot of people inside waiting to see their therapists. One guy looked like a biker, and he had a t-shirt on that said "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves." I wonder if he's there for anger management issues. There was also a door marked "Triage" which was a little scary. Why would a counseling center need triage?

So, you know, there's that.

I hate all of this. I. Hate. It.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) To deal with the stress of all that has been going on, my mom gave me a few of her tranquilizers that she got when Papa died. They are surprisingly helpful. I don't take them often, because they are addictive, but when I do I'm nicely un-freaked out. Well, up until later on in the day, and then I start to doze off at my desk and hallucinate people in the hallways. Fun stuff.

2) By the way, thanks to everyone who comes and checks up on me by reading my blog. Sorry there hasn't been much to tell lately, but I've been kind of one track minded lately, so there hasn't been much to say. I will say that our first couple's counseling appointment is Thursday morning, so keep us in your thoughts. No matter what the outcome winds up being, I just want us to be smart about everything and I think a counselor might help to see everything in the right way.

3) I'm tired of this infernal temporary crown. It doesn't fit perfectly, so I always have an aching jaw from clenching my teeth in my sleep. It also looks kind of silly because it's so obviously a fake tooth, but since it's a molar, it isn't too obvious. If I hadn't already paid for the new one, I probably could have gotten a gold toof! It probably would have been cheaper than the one my dentist is making me. I swear, that guy could retired just from the scratch he's made working on my teeth. Boo to expensive dentistry. We've been thinking about getting another dentist who may be on the BCBS preferred list so that we don't have to pay so much. My secret hope is that somewhere in our town there is a Korean dentist named Doctor Hoo. I would SO go to that guy!

4)I wish it would rain already. It's dark and cloudy but it just refuses to rain. My dogs are dirty, dangit! They need rain!

I have a membership with Audible.com, which is where I get the legal copies of audio novels for my iPod. One thing about the MP3s from that particular site always makes me laugh: At the beginning of all of the books, a man with a very cheerful voice comes on and says "This Is Audible."

All I can think is "Yes. Yes it is. I can hear it."

...

Yeah, I know. Sorry, but my sense of humor is mending more slowly than I would like to admit.

Yeah, things are still crappy and I don't have any idea how much security I can have in my future, but when all else fails, there will still be otters. Cute ones. With babies.
That's got to count for something.

I'm still scared.

I wish things would become easier instead of harder.

After taking a long look at things, I've realized that maybe my life hasn't been as good as I thought. I am not unselfish, but I've always thought I tried to be. It turns out that part of this is my fault. Maybe not in the way that Steve chose to deal with things, but if I had been better at being a good wife, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

I know that it isn't as easy as all of that to decide what causes problems, and I can't take 100% of the blame for things falling apart, but I had a hand in it. I just wish I had realized before it came to this.

You know how sometimes you think that things are so bad that they can't possibly get any worse? How you think you are at the complete and utter rock bottom of your life and you don't think that you can go any lower? Well, there is a sub-basement to hell that a lot of people don't know about, but I'm in it right now.

As much as I would like, I can't give details about the things that have been going on in my life lately. Some of you know already, but out of respect for myself and my family, I'm not going to write about them here. All that is important is that I have been lied to, repeatedly betrayed, and emotionally beaten down to a point that I'm not altogether certain that I can come back from. I hurt, not just all over, but inside. I have to make some huge, life-altering decisions that I'm not sure I'm smart enough to make. I'm afraid, sad, angry, hurt, and completely confused at the path my life has taken, and I'm not sure I know how to deal with that.

There is a chance that my marriage can be saved, but I don't know if it will be. All I can do is try and see if anything can be done. I don't want to look back someday and know that I didn't at least give it a shot, but it's going to be so hard. There are certain things that can easily be forgiven, and some things that feel impossible to forgive. I'm sick about all of this, just so damn sick. I'm hurt, and I want to hurt all of the people responsible for it, but I know that isn't good. I want to be forgiving, and kind, and smart about it all, but I just don't know if I can. I have prayed that, and sincerely want that, God's will be done, good or bad, but I'm so afraid I'm not going to know what the right thing to do is. It isn't just my future that is in flux, but Steve's. Whatever he may have done, I have no right to destroy his chance for happiness, and I'm afraid I'll do that too. For the first time in my life, I've just wished I could be dead. I don't want to kill myself, but just not wake up in the morning. I know how that sounds, but it hurts that badly. I don't even know how I feel. Sometimes I feel fine, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, and sometimes I just feel defeated. I go in cycles, and I don't know where it will end. I say terrible things, and I cry every day. I wish I could explain how I feel, but I can't. For the first time in my life, I feel paper thin and easily torn apart, and I don't know how to change it.

Every breath hurts, every thought hurts, and every step I take scares me. I just need prayers from everyone. I already know I have some amazing friends, and I'm so grateful for them. I just want to make the right decisions, and I have no idea what they are yet. I'm so scared.

Just to let you know, I may not be writing very much for the next little while. Bad things have been going on in my life. Life changing, potentially marriage ending, sick to my stomach type things and I am afraid that if I talk about them on such a public forum as this, it'll just make it worse. Some things have to be private, I suppose.

Of course, that's not to say that I definitely won't write on my blog at all. I might think of something fun to write about instead. I hope so.

All I ask is that you pray for me so that I can figure out how to deal with things.

Thanks.

Dear everyone,

I'm officially in hell.

Kelly

Alright...does anyone else want to kick me while I'm down? Anyone? It's the perfect time, so go ahead.

I'd rather just go ahead and have it all at once at this point than have it stretched out. Do me a favor and get it over with.

Thank you.

My Family According To Google Image

I actually stole this from both Amy and Greg, our cousins from the great state of GA. Since I don't know if any of you know what nicknames Steve and I call each other, you may not have a clue what the pictures are supposed to mean. Half the fun is in the guessing, so I won't tell you what they are! :)

Steve:
Me:

MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Josh! If you are reading this, could you comment and tell me if the address on the business card you gave me is still the one where you can receive mail? I'd call you, but it makes me nervous to call your place after what you told your other brothers I said about the Catholic stuff.

2) Mr. Fathead Rudepants was back at the gym this morning, but at least he had the decency to ask the lady directly in front of the TV if he could turn it off. He didn't ask me, who was watching the TV, but I have given up on him. If a flashing picture box disrupts his concentration that badly, I can't fault him for turning it off. However, BOO, dude! There is also a new lady who has been coming in that I can't figure out. She is an older lady, possibly in her 60's, who comes in with a androgynous looking person who I still can't figure out for sure, but I think might be a woman. Anyways, this lady always comes in just as I start on the weight machines, and she jumps from machine to machine, doing maybe 5 or 10 pullies, pushies or lifties before she goes on to the next one. I wonder if it's helping her any to do so few reps on the machines. Anyways, she is forevermore getting in my way! I don't meant to be rude or anything, because honestly, it's not a big deal. It's just annoying to walk to the next machine and see her on the one I need, me go on to the next one, and before I can even get the seat adjusted, she is gone and now my list of things I need to do is all out of whack. I was given a list by the trainer, so please don't think I've gone OCD on you or something. Anyway, I dub this lady Old Bunny, because she hops around too much.

3) I have recently been placed in a very awkward position by someone here at work, but there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could tell you all what is going on, but I can't. It would just cause undue issues if someone from work found my blog and read it, and too many people I know here know I have a blog. At any rate, it has made me look really terrible and now I have a person I don't even know that well scared of me. I'd like to think I'm a nice enough person that it wouldn't matter what was said about me, but I also know I have the potential to be a psycho-hose beast if I'm rubbed the wrong way, and I can't really deny that. I can say honestly that the scared person had pissed me off, yes, but I was willing to just let it go. All I did was vent to someone I thought I could trust, wasn't even that specific with my issue to him, and then he went and twisted everything I said. It got all blown up and now I have been misrepresented, pissed off again and I am so tired of it all. I'm really too old for drama, and I don't enjoy dealing with it. I'd rather forget that anything happened, forget this person exists, and move on to live long and prosper. I can only hope everyone will let me do this now. PLEASE?

Lovely Day

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) You know how I normally decorate the lobby of the IMAX theater when we have new movies? I try to make it look good, but I can't always do a whole lot because I usually do it on my own, still have to do signs and be on demand for my boss. Well, things have been taken out of my hands, but not off of my shoulders. We will be getting the movie "The Dark Knight" later this month, and we have some serious comic book geeks who work here. Apparently, the went to the CEO and asked if we could make the lobby into the Bat Cave, and he LOVED the idea. No, not just hang a few bats and paint the glass of the booth, but actually make a Bat Cave. I don't even know what that looks like! These people have gone above and beyond anything I could have thought of, but they still want me to help, which appreciate. However, they seem to think that I know exactly what they have in mind, and I've never actually "built" anything very large before. The guy who is ringleader in all of this was asking me questions about things we could use, and I was trying to think and he actually said "You don't have any skills, do you?" I said "What?" not because I didn't hear him, but because I couldn't believe he would say something like that. He said "Nothing" and walked off. He was talking earlier about using paper mache and plaster to make this thing, and I was trying to explain that something like that would take way too long and cost way too much. He didn't really like that, I guess. I'm still in on the project, but I'm going to have to do some research. Bat cave, indeed.

2) My stupid tooth still hurts! Is this normal?

3) One of Steve's friends brought him some orange rolls from All Steak yesterday! They were really for him, but he was nice enough to share. :) You hear that, Josh? Mwahahahahhahahaa!

4) GEEK WARNING! The first half of the season finale of Dr. Who was so very, very awesome. BBC America is officially two episodes behind the showings in England I think, but Steve downloads them so we can keep up. We, along with my Teddy Dalek, watched it on Sunday, and it was so good it made me hate that it won't be back until 2010! Since some of you also watch the show, but are following on BBC America, I don't want to tell you what happened, but here are my reactions throughout the episode so far: YAY! Wait, what? Yay, again! Albinos? NO! What? AWESOME! *Rock & Roll Hand Gesture* Huh? *Dumbstruck Silence* Holy crap! Squeeeeeeeeee! YAY and AWWW! What? No...Nooo....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Best. Episode. Ever.

5) I finally deleted my MySpace account! I wasn't using it anymore, so I felt silly keeping it up. I am officially out of any and all social networking sites! So now if anyone wants me, I'll be here, updating when I feel like it. :)

OK, so now that I have recovered from the trauma, I can tell you about getting a root canal. It's actually funny when I think of it now!

When I posted about having to go and have the procedure, I told you that I had to take some pills before I left. I was afraid that the pills were all that I as going to get. When I got to the dental surgeon, or whatever they are called, they told me that they didn't do sedation. I was freaking out, but not as badly as I thought I would. They did tell me I could have nitrous, so I was very much "Yes, PLEASE!" I shouldn't have worried, though. By the time I got called back, the pills were working in full force. I was nice and high. Of course, I didn't really know it at the time, so when they strapped on the nitrous nose thing, I was breathing in really deeply and thinking "crap, this isn't doing anything!" I was wrong, though, because by the time they walked in, I was in la la land for sure. The guy put some kind of numbing stuff on my gum, and told me they what they were doing, I didn't think they were at the right place, so I asked "Is it the bottom one?" " Yes" they said. "Number nineteeeeeeeeeen?" I said. "Yes" they said. After that, it's all a haze. They talked to me, I mumbled to them, they gave me a shot of Novocaine, which hurt, but I didn't care. They gave me another shot of Novocaine, I still didn't care. I was breathing in the happy stuff. The doc showed me something that looked like the thing on a Clarinet that holds the reed on and told me what they were going to do with it. I said "Sounds good to me." Well, I think that's what I said, anyways, but I can't be sure. I was vaguely aware that some serious business was going on in my face, but I couldn't focus. The doc was humming, so I starting humming along. They kept asking me to hold this thing (still don't know what it was) so they could take x-rays of my tooth, and then getting irritated that I couldn't hold it still. Well, surprise, surprise! Imagine that. There was a flat screen TV over my head playing a soccer game or something. I tried watching it, but I couldn't keep up. I probably said some embarrassing stuff around all of their hands, but I don't remember. Then they took off the paper bib and told me they were done. I remember getting up and paying the receptionist, going to get into the car, but I have no idea what happened after that until I got home. While I was working out the rest of my nitrous, Steve went to get my pain medication and something for us to eat. When he came back, I was loopy and starving. I hadn't had anything to eat all that day and it was about 5:15 or so. Steve had gotten me some chicken fingers, which I was able to tear apart and chew on the right side of my mouth. I still had numb face from the Novocaine, so I didn't realize that while I was eating, I was destroying the inner part of my left cheek. I'm not kidding, I chewed it to pieces. Of course, when the Novocaine wore off, I knew...Lord, did I know. I went into the kitchen to get one of my pain pills and saw a stack of three different medicines. I knew I had only gotten a prescription for one, but for a second I thought I had been mistaken. I had a bottle of Lexapro (antidepressant), some kind of ointment for fungal infections, and about 6 packages of Estrogen tabs. I thought, what the hell did they do to me in there?! Of course, then I realized that the pharmacy had handed Steve a package of someone else's meds because they had a similar name as mine. Similar, but not exact. Steve had to leave again to go somewhere, but I have no idea where he went. I called to tell him I had the wrong medicine and he was going to come back to get it and take it back. Then the pharmacy called and I can only hope that I actually said what I think I said. I was still pretty loopy to tell you the truth. So I finally got the wretched pills and took one. Steve had to run some errands after that, so I can only be glad I didn't have a bad reaction to them since I was home alone! I think I slept, or tried to. Then I woke up at about 3:30 the next morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Good times.

Boo

This has been the worst weekend I've spent in a while. I won't go into much detail, mainly because it isn't all my own business and I'd rather not rehash. However, my face still hurts from Thursday and the pills they gave me make me crazy, but don't really help much and make me sick to my stomach. Sorry that I didn't get a chance to blog under the influence, but every time I'd take one, I wound up staring at the wall or looking at the pretty colors in books for a while. I probably wouldn't have made anything coherant! :)

Anyways, the weekend is almost over, so hopefully things will get better. I have faith!

Does anyone happen to know where Steve is? It's 3:30 a.m. and he's still not home.

Geez, I'm all for hanging out with friends, but you'd think he'd eventually come home. He must be feeling better.

It never ends!

This morning I had a dentist appointment at 7:50 a.m. When I arrived and waited an hour to be called back, even after some other guy had been called back, I was finally told that my appointment wasn't until 8:40. Um...no. I not only wrote down the date and time when I made the appointment, but I remember asking the person to repeat the date and time to make sure there were no mistakes. I didn't make a fuss because it didn't really matter, I was already going to be later to work than I thought.

I have been meticulously taking care of my teeth lately because I haven't been to the dentist in two years. It wasn't for lack of trying. Every time I'd make an appointment, they would cancel it. So I was cleaned, flossed, and mouthwashed within an inch of my life when I went in.

The hygienist is very sweet. She knows Steve really well, so she believes she knows me well by association. She's also always asking when I'm going to have babies. Sheesh. Anyways, the appointment goes by swimmingly until she takes a good look at my x-rays. I have one tooth that has been sensitive for a while, but I thought it had something to do with an old filling I have in that tooth. Nope. Apparently, I have a cavity. The first cavity I've had in over17 years! Not only do I have a cavity, but it's in an odd spot, so they can't give me a filling. In a bit less than an hour, I'm going to have to go and have a root canal. I'm scared to death. I hate dental procedures, especially invasive ones. I begged them if I could be sedated, and they are going to allow it. They proscribed some pills for me to take, but I hope they give me something stronger when I get to the dental surgeon. I'm such a baby about things like this. :(

I feel even worse because Steve has to take me and pick me up. He wasn't feeling well, and had called in sick to work, and now he's got to deal with me instead of feeling better. I hate this! All I wanted was to go to the dentist, go to work, and do my daily Kelly stuff. Was that too much to ask? Boo.

On the bright side, though, maybe I'll get some good pills or something out of this and I can entertain myself by blogging under the influence and then coming back to see if I made any sense. :)

Just FYI

OK! Everybody sing along!



You know you want to.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) To Mr. Fathead Rudepants at the gym this morning: If you are going to turn one of the TVs off, maybe one someone is watching, during your brutal, extensive, 4 1/2 minute workout so as not to get distracted, could you please turn it back on when you walk away?

2) It would be nice if we could get our paper shipment in soon. We use a special kind of matte, adhesive-backed paper for signs and displays. With so many signs people need (and honestly, don't need), we tend to run out of this paper fairly quickly. When we load the last roll into the printer, I usually alert Sam so that he can put in an order. This way we have very little down time in between jobs. My boss ordered a couple of rolls about three weeks ago and we never received them. I finally just ran completely out of the paper, and I don't want to use the other paper we have because it makes the ink smear and we have to use spray adhesive to stick it down, which doesn't hold for long when it's humid. He called our supplier yesterday, and the idiots had lost our order and had nothing shipped out to us. I mean, it isn't like we don't order from these people on a regular basis. They know us. We do lots of business with them. I don't know why I'm surprised. They almost always have the wrong paper shipped to us if we alter our order at all. *Sigh* Bunch of savages in this business.

3) Mean old interwebs. Yesterday I went to a website I'm a member of so that I could enter a contest they were holding. Short version: They give you a question, you give your answer in 75 words or less. Seemed easy enough. So I thought and thought of what to say, typed it in, and hit enter. It took me to the place to sign in, so that one was on me. I signed in, thought and thought about how to reword my original entry, typed, retyped, and typed again. I wanted to make sure I had it just right, and I really liked my answer. So I hit enter, and it took me to the contest page again, but didn't give me a conformation that my entry went through. I thought that maybe it wouldn't do that for this particular contest, so I typed in a quick answer to the question without thinking much about it to see if it would give me a conformation or not and this time I DID get a conformation. Crap. So I went back to the contest page, retyped my original entry and hit enter. I get the message "You may only enter this contest once." I could have eaten my own face. So much for winning that contest.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa.....*gasp*.....aaaaaAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

Even though I'm sure I would have power to spare, the first person who tries to plug an iPod into me is going to get hurt. Unless you buy me dinner first.

RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING

1) Apparently it wasn't food poisoning. I had some kind of stomach virus or something similar. Now I feel bad for trashing what was left of mom's wedding cake! :(

2) Do you know what is almost as good as thinking you see a friend at a store, running over to greet them, and realizing it isn't them just in time to detour and not to embarrass yourself? Thinking you see a friend in a store, being detained from running over to greet them, feeling kind of bad you didn't get to say hello before they were gone, and then finding out later that the friend wasn't even in town, couldn't have been the person you thought it was and you avoided embarrassing yourself by accident. Yeah.

3) It's perfectly natural for someone who knows you not to remember everything about you, right? Even the unusual stuff, mainly because they have their own thing going on and can't think about you constantly. However, is it normal for you to forget things about yourself? I Netflixed (is that even a real verb?) the series "The Tudors" and was watching the first disk when I suddenly remembered that years ago, Josh and I used to take lessons for medieval court dances with Huntsville's SCA? We were good at it, too! How could I forget that? I had forgotten we ever even went to the SCA meetings. We were going to join, but for some reason or another we didn't. Wow, that would have sent me crashing over the edge of the Geek precipice, wouldn't it? Probably for the best.

4) Speaking of that fabled Geek-Precipice. I don't know how many of you watch the new Dr. Who, but I for one love it. No, I don't think you understand. I. Love. It. I've been kind of sad about it recently, though, because I found out that it's going on hiatus until 2010. Well, excepting Christmas specials and the like. I really like David Tennant (meow) in the role of the Doctor, and who knows if he'll be back in the role when the show returns. So, we were watching the show on Sunday (Steve downloads the new episodes from England instead of waiting for them to be broadcast from BBC America, so we are one episode ahead) and they showed the previews of the season finale, and it is going to be geek paradise. Not only are they going to have the Doctor and his current companion, Donna, they are going to have Martha Jones, Rose Tyler (sqee), what is left of the Torchwood team (double squee), Daleks, Sarah Jane and her kiddies, and pretty much every one and everything of awesomness that has been a part of the new Dr. Who world since they revived the series!!! YAY! My head went *poof* and I think I might have an idea of how Steve feels when he finds out there is a new Han Solo figure he doesn't have. My transformation into a super-geek is complete. No more cool points. Take my dollies and go home. Am I proud of this? Not really, but I figure I had nothing to lose after telling you I took lessons in medieval court dancing.