What Now

Hello :)

It's been a while, but I'll be honest, I haven't really felt like writing lately.

No, don't worry, everything is OK right now and hopefully getting better as the days go on. I've just been in a kind of "blah" about everything, including my blog. Blasphemy, I know. I suppose it's my subconscious' way of saying "Well, you just spent 3 1/2 months in a kind of borderline insane/hurt/losing-ones-mind hell, so maybe we'll just try to see what it's like to be calm and a bit bored for a while, shall we?" My subconscious is cool like that, sometimes.

(This next part is a bit personal, so for anyone sensitive to that kind of thing who doesn't want to read it, you can go now.)

So here's an update: things have been better for the past couple of weeks. Steve and I are working on making things better and I'm trying very hard to deal with everything that happened without going crazy. It isn't easy, but I'm doing OK with it. My main problem right now, even though it isn't a constant issue, is being angry. Not mad, not irritated, but ANGRY. It's a scary feeling, because I don't have much (if any) experience with true anger and I don't like it. I can be rolling along, feeling fine, and then it hits me and I find myself standing there shaking and wanting to hurt people. It ruins my day. I know I could never hurt any of them as bad as they did me, but I want to try. I want to make them suffer and I hate the way that feels. I now understand why wrath is one of the 7 deadly sins, because it feels evil. However, I'm working on dealing with the anger and I think I'm doing OK. Please don't think I'm going to wind up on a roof with a sniper rifle or anything like that, though. :) Apparently it is a level of the grief process, which our counselor said I would go through, and that it's normal, but I really hope it goes away soon. I pray for the anger to be taken away and to be given charity, like it says in 1 Corinthians 13, in its place. I'm certain that I'll have that in time. I just wish it was soon.

Other than that, things seem to be going OK. We have good days and not so good days, but we are both trying to figure out how to do the things for each other that need to be done. It's an ongoing process and there is always the chance we just can't fix it, but so far so good. I'm kind of a basket case at times, but honestly, I believe I have the right to be. Don't you?

I know that some of you don't understand why I didn't just leave and take everything with me, but that never seemed like the right thing to do, to me at least. On TV and the movies, it seems so cut and dried. When something like that happens, there is nothing you can do but turn your back and walk away. However, it wasn't like that for me at all. I had so many people giving me advice and telling me what I should do, I just ended up confused. It's not that I didn't appreciate the advice, and it wasn't that it was bad advice (most of it was excellent, actually), but I knew I'd eventually have to make up my own mind about how to deal with things no matter what I was told. After many "dark nights of the soul" I finally just had to tell God to take it, because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I couldn't deal with it mentally, physically or emotionally any longer or I probably would have literally gone insane. When I finally lay it down, things began to get easier. I believe that we are doing the right thing at this point, and not just because it was what I originally wanted. It's not easy. I know that quite a few of you who read this blog don't really believe in God and probably think I've deluded myself into following this path out of some kind of martyr's obligation. I can respect that, I guess. It's not true, but I can respect it. I just also hope that you realize I'm not nearly as naive as that. :)

Anyways, enough of that. I just wanted to get that out of the way so that I can hopefully move on and write about nice things here again. I miss being silly and would like to get back to it as soon as I can.