BEAR 2003-2012

I suppose most of you already know that we had to put Bear to sleep yesterday afternoon.  We finally heard from the vet that the ultrasound and the other tests that they did showed that Bear had Lymphoma, which caused him to have an enlarged spleen.  It would have progressed, no matter what, and eventually he would have either starved or bled to death.  We could have brought him home and given him a few last days with us, but Steve and I knew that it would have been cruel to prolong the inevitable.  We got to see him for a while at the vet and love on him, but ultimately we had to let him go. I was there while they did it and I held his head and talked to him, and I cried like a baby. 

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and it feels like I murdered one of my best friends. He trusted me.  I feel like the worst person who has ever lived.

I know in my head that we did the right thing and that he would have just gotten sicker and sicker, and I couldn't stand to see that, and even if we had brought him home we would have eventually had to take him back and have the deed done.  In my heart, though, I feel like I've done something inexcusable and that I'll never really feel good again.  I realize that's probably stupid, but right now I hurt so much that it feels true.

Butler is also taking it hard.  As far as he's concerned, Bear has always been with him, and he's sitting out in the backyard looking for Bear and wondering where he is.  It's heart breaking.

So many people have been kind and it means so much when they say that they're sorry.  I never thought that would matter, but it does.

I know that other people think we're being silly, because Bear was just a dog, but he was more than that to us.  He was our dog, our friend, our child, and a member of our family.  We love him so much, and there will always be a hole in us where he once was. We keep crying, and it just feels so awful, like we will never feel better again.

We're going to miss you, Bear.  We love you.