About 15 years ago, I got this idea about what I'd like my future to be like. It wasn't anything I'd thought about much before, but sometimes your future plans just kind of occur to you out of nowhere, you know? The idea came to me almost fully formed, and in my head it was a good thing. A comfortable thing. A thing I knew would be nice.
It wasn't like, where I'd like to be working, or living, or about kids, or about being famous one day (that wasn't something that lasted very long, haha) it was just this idea about where my life might go one day. I knew it would have to be something I cultivated, or at least didn't ruin, (and to be fair, there were bumps along the way and maybe I didn't do everything just right) but it became such a particularly pervasive idea that I never even questioned it. I was just convinced that one day, it would be.
I never told anyone about what I wanted, not even my closest confidant. Even though I'm not a particularly private person, this one thing was just for me. I'm not going to tell you what it is now (sorry) because it's still a very private sort of thing that I don't think I could explain, even if I wanted to. Even more so, anyone I told would think me foolish. Well, foolish or not, I believed in it so completely that I didn't even question it. I'd catch myself thinking, "Well, when this happens..." as if it were already written in stone. Call me an optimist!
Over the last few weeks, it has occurred to me how stupid I've been. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's stupid to have plans, or to want things, or to even make plans for things that might be a bit fanciful, as long as it's rooted in some kind of reality. My problem is that I what I wanted was technically rooted in reality. Hell, it was fucking prosaic! I think that's why I believed it so wholeheartedly. It's like wanting chocolate ice cream after dinner. Chocolate ice cream is great, but it's a normal, boring thing. I wanted that, planned for that, only to realize that if I went to the store to get it that it was a certainty that chocolate ice cream wouldn't be for sale anymore. Heh. What I was looking for wasn't anything I could control, or even plan on. It was just something that I held on to because I liked the idea of it, and now, after all this time, it finally clicked that it wasn't going to happen.
Bleh, I know I'm not making much sense here and I'm sorry. I'm not writing this because I'm depressed, or destroyed by the realization of it all. I'm certainly sad, and maybe disillusioned, because who wouldn't be after believing in something for 15 years only to realize that it'll never happen. Not even close. Mainly, I just feel like an asshole. I know that no one reading this can do anything about it, and no amount of platitudes will fix the way I feel. I'm not even certain that my life would have benefitted from what I was looking for, except it felt like it would. I'm writing about it because sometimes I think you need to let things out into the universe so that you can make some sense of them. That's one of the reasons I like this blog. It's mine and I can talk about whatever I want, and if you don't like it, you can go have sex with yourself. :)
Don't worry, my life isn't going to be ruined without this...direction...I was looking for. At least I don't think so. I think that there will always be a part of me that has some bit of hope that one day...far in the future, I might get a little taste of what I was looking for. I'm sure something else will occur to me in time. I just can't help but feel a little lost right now, and maybe a little empty. A person can't believe in something for so long, and realize that they were wrong, for it not to leave some kind of scar.
So now I've got to figure out what is next. That should be easy enough, right? Haha!
What now, indeed.