SO...

Well, I don't like to write this, but to make it seem real, I'm going to.

Steve is divorcing me. He told me last Thursday.

I didn't want this, and for all intents and purposes, I didn't think it would actually happen. I thought things would get better, or at least we'd work on our problems. In fact, I thought we'd been doing better for the last couple of months. That is because I am a trusting, naive fool.

I am not worth being forgiven. I am to be thrown away.

No idea on the timeline, or where I'll live, or how I'll mentally deal with it, but those are all things I'll consider later. 

There are a million things I will have to think to do, but I'm not in the right frame of mind to think of anything. Right now I'm having to make myself do one thing at a time just to get through the days.

I can't eat, I have to drug myself to sleep, and my life is now a giant crater where a bomb has gone off and nothing has survived. I am barely hanging on to my sanity.

So, while everyone else gets to go and live their best life, mine has been broken beyond repair. All over a mistake so stupid that I can't even believe I was idiotic enough to make in the first place.

I don't know how I'm going to survive.

HUH...WEIRD

If you don't mind, I'm going to ignore everything else in my life for a second to tell you a weird thing that happened the other night.

I was asleep, but not completely asleep, and my phone rang. I looked at the clock and immediately panicked, because it was 12:30 AM, which (in my head) usually means that someone is dead and I'm getting a call about it. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen to grab my phone, and the ringing stopped. The screen said "No Caller ID" and no one left a message.

Well, ok then. Maybe a spam call? Maybe a wrong number? Mabe a glitch? Eh.

But still...it scared the crap out of me! I don't have friends I chat with anymore. No one calls me but my mom! I was asleep-ish and my phone rang at a scary hour! So I had to stand there staring at my phone for a second until my adrenaline rush passed.

Then the phone rang again while I was holding it. Still "No Caller ID" on the screen. Of course, I answered it, just in case it really was an emergency, and I could hear someone on the other end. They wouldn't say anything! I just kept saying "Hello?!" over and over, but they never talked, I just heard rustling and movement.

I didn't find out until the next day that someone has to purposefully conceal their number to get a "No Caller ID" message on the display. Whether or not the person meant to call me and not someone in a kinder time zone is the real question.

Maybe it was nothing, and the call wasn't meant for me. Occam's razor and all of that.

But am I wrong to think that is weird? Not, you know, super weird, but still weird. Anyway, if someone wants to call me and not say anything when I answer, I'm ok with that. They can even be obscene if they want, because I can just hang up or laugh (depending on the level of obscene.) I just don't want them to do it in the middle of the night and scare me into thinking someone in my family has been killed. Capiche?  

THERE ARE PROTOCOLS. Geez.