What Now

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a coward.

I don't think I am, or at least I hope I'm not. However, what you want to be and what you really are, are sometimes two different things altogether.

I'm not going to go into details, because that would take too long, but a situation has arisen in my family that is going to have to be dealt with. Don't worry, no one is dead, everyone is ok, and it's nothing terrible, but it's just one of those inevitable things that happen in life that almost everyone has to deal with at some point. Is it fun? No, but it is not anything that can't be handled. I'm capable of handling it. At least I think so.

But you know what? All I want to do is run. Just run and hide until it's all taken care of. I don't want to have to deal with it. It's not for lack of love, it's just straight out fear of the responsibility. Will I do that? I certainly hope not, but Cheezus H. Crispies, I am afraid.

Does that make me a coward? I don't want to be afraid to help people. I don't want to be the kind of person who feels burdened when it comes to people I care about. It makes me feel like a complete shitbird to even think that I don't want to do this. When you love someone, you shouldn't even hesitate to help when they need it. I know this. 

I recently read something about women who get diagnosed with breast cancer being given counseling about what to expect during their treatments, and one of those things is that they are told an alarming number of men will divorce their wives while they are undergoing treatments because they can't handle the responsibility of taking care of them and I was completely indignant, but am I like that? I don't want to be like that! 

Now, what we're dealing with isn't cancer or anything similar, but it's a big thing and I'm scared I'm going to run. What if I can't handle it? 

Sorry for not being more specific, but it's not my story to tell. I'm just worried. I want to be able to handle everything that comes my way, but sometimes I wonder if I can.

I'll do my best to try. I hope that will be enough.