ZERO TO SIXTY IN SIXTEEN WEEKS...ALLEGEDLY

I mentioned a while back that Steve and I were going to undertake a new weight loss program through one of our local hospitals.  I also said that I would try not to talk about it that much. However, as it seems to be the thing that is currently taking over every aspect of my life right now, I'm going to talk about it today.

(Don't worry, I've already got someone on stand by to tell me to shut up if I talk about it too much!  Haha!)

OK, so...

Almost three weeks ago, Steve and I went to our orientation meeting to learn about the program, receive our first batch of "food" (yes, that's in quotes, and I'll explain in a minute) and talk to the nurses, dietitian, and behaviorist to find out what is expected of us.  Every single person we talked to is very enthusiastic about the program and how successful it is, so that was nice.  We were given folders, lessons, appointments to see the different health professionals, and a month-long membership to the hospital's gym.  (We already have a membership to that gym, although we haven't been in a while, but don't tell them that!) The program doesn't have a snazzy name.  I don't know if it has a proper name at all, actually, unless you want to call it what I've referred to it as: Optifast800: Hell in a Juice Box.

So how does it work?  Well, The very first, and apparently most important rule of the program is that for 16 weeks we are not allowed to eat. What's that you say? We aren't allowed to eat? That is crazy! Well, yes. Yes it is.  But, that is, hand to God, the first thing that they told us.  We are not allowed to eat anything.

Stop looking at me like that.  I swear, it's the truth.

The dietitian said that to begin the process of losing weight, our digestive tracts needed to heal.  Heal from what?  Did someone tell him I'd been eating broken glass and staples again?  I dunno, but food - and by that I mean solid, you-can-chew-it-food, is tearing us apart.  I guess.  Again, I don't know, because that part wasn't explained well, but we got the gist.  No eating is allowed.

Well...shit.  Ok, then.

What we are allowed to have is a series of liquid meals that either come already mixed in juice box form, or that come in a powder that we have to mix with water. We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavored shakes, and pouches of powdered soup (because we need sodium) that are either vegetable, chicken, or tomato flavored. The shakes kind of taste like watery protein drinks and the soup tastes kind of like the pouches that come with ramen noodles, only thicker (except for the tomato soup, which is horrible and indescribable except by facial expression and grunts of disgust.) I'm not going to lie, none of it is very good, but it's balanced and portioned out depending on our situation and how much weight we need to lose. I get a total of 5 of these things a day. Eventually we will graduate to replacing one of our shakes with a meal replacement bar.  I'm not sure I'm going to remember how to chew! We can season our food with anything 10 calories or less, so we've learned to get creative. We can also have sugar free Jell-O for a treat. Whee. At any rate, all of this is so we can reset ourselves (?) and lose the weight that we need to lose. It was decided by the doctor that I need to lose 60 pounds.  Honestly, I thought he'd tell me to lose more, so... silver lining!

So I haven't had solid food, except random sesame seeds that happen to be in spice mixes that we're allowed to use in our soup, in three weeks. I have not cheated on the program, even though I've been tempted! Unfortunately I haven't lost much weight at all.  I have yelled at Steve twice.  Not because I was mad at him, or because any of this is his fault, but because I'm having a hard time adjusting and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is. I mean, I only have 3 things I enjoy these days and eating was one of them, now I don't have that, and I'm down to two of them!  It's frustrating! Steve is very sanguine about everything and he's doing very well with all of this and has thus far lost a lot of weight. Sometimes I want to hit him with a shoe.  Again, not his fault.  Ok, maybe a little his fault!  ; )

We have to attend weekly meetings, kind of like AA (we aren't supposed to talk about anyone else in the program or what they say) and I was worried that it would be an all evening thing, but luckily I get to come home at 5:30 or so afterwards, so that was a relief.  I've already had my first meeting with the behaviorist, and he seems like a pretty solid guy. I assume at some point I'll be in his office crying about something and have a breakthrough about why I like to eat so much.  Who knows? I'll have to see either him, a nurse, or a doctor once a week from now until May. I'll also have to have blood work every two weeks until a point in this program where they deem it unnecessary, but I don't know when that is!

This week we start working with a personal trainer, and hopefully she will be able to help me know what I need to do physically not just to lose weight, but to help my body be healthier.  I also told her I want to get to a point where I can run for funzies, so...we'll see how that goes.  She seems to think I can do it, so why not?

There is a part of me that really isn't sure I'll make it all the way through, much less lose 60 pounds, but I really want to succeed.  Not just to lose the weight, but to stick to something that is very difficult. I'm not generally a quitter, but damn, this program is tough!  I also want to make sure I don't do anything to deter Steve from succeeding, and I know me doing this along with him is very helpful. 

I'm currently making a kind of video diary of the process, so if I keep up with that, one day in the distant future, I'll show you how much "Fun" I've been having during all of this!  All I can ask is that you keep your fingers crossed for me, and maybe say a prayer for Steve!  Haha!

God, I'm hungry.