I didn't expect to get any answers from my medical tests today, but thankfully they didn't let me leave until they talked to me about what they found.
Everything is OK. When they told me that, I almost cried.
I can't tell you the absolute, pants wetting fear that I've lived through these past weeks. That probably sounds like a bit of an exaggeration, but it is not. Every moment my brain wasn't fully engaged elsewhere (and sometimes when it was) little thoughts would creep in that would scare me to death. Not really understanding much about what I might be facing, all I had was worst case scenario ideas to think of.
OK, so what happened is that I found a lump in my breast. It was sizable and completely new, and I had no idea what kind of thing it could be. I was going to ignore it and hope it would go away, but that seemed kind of stupid and dangerous of a thing to do. I'd had people in my family with breast cancer and to NOT get checked out felt fairly irresponsible. So I went to see a guy (I got a boob guy) hoping he could tell me it was nothing to worry about, but he couldn't tell what it was either. He said he was "pretty sure" it wasn't anything serious, but there were just a few things that kept him from being completely sure, so he sent me to have diagnostic tests done. Today I was scanned and ultrasounded, prodded and poked, and thankfully what they found couldn't be classified as cancerous.
I have been so afraid, you guys. Seriously. I'd been practicing how I'd have to tell people I was sick, and wondering how bad it might get if I was. I was considering what kind of plans I'd have to make and Steve and I had many talks about how we'd handle it if it turned out to be cancer. I know that seems extreme, but when you are potentially staring that in the face, it's not easy to be 100% cool about everything. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.
So thank you for sending me your good vibes and your prayers, and the positive juju magumbo.
My boobs live to fight another day. :)
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING:
1) Have you ever just had everything break on you all at once? That is what seems to be going on with us right now, and it's really frickin frustrating! I mean, things breaking or whatever isn't necessarily a terrible thing when it happens one at a time, but when a bunch of stuff happens at once, even the little small, first world problems that happen, it's like we're cursed! Haha! So to help alleviate some of the frustration, I'm going to find the silver lining for each one if I can.
A) I broke our garage door. Well, I didn't break it myself, but I didn't realize the cable had slipped off of the pully that raises and lowers it. I tried to close it, and the cable tangled in the wheel, the door got partially ripped off of its track, and the little arm that helps guide the center of the door as it lowers got stuck and cracked the door panel down the center. We had to call Steve's dad, one of his dad's engineer friends, and that guy's grandson to come and help us try and fix it. We couldn't fix it and in the process the whole door fell off of our house. We had to zip tie the broken door to the opening to the garage until a repairman could come and get the door rehung on the track. Now we have to get a new door. Silver Lining: Now we go out of our front door more often and the cat gets a lot more attention! The cat enjoys that.
B) The fridge is slowly dying. We have no idea what is going on with the refrigerator, because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, so when we think it isn't working, we will go in there and realize everything is cold. Good deal! Then when we go back, everything is warm. Bad deal! We're having to toss all of the food from the freezer and fridge, which is quite a loss. So. Much. Cheese. Is. Gone. Silver Lining: Right now we aren't eating normal food, and our "food" such as it is, doesn't need to be refrigerated to stay good. Losing all of the food is bad, but we can't eat it anyway, so now we get to start with a clean slate when we get to eat again in May! We also have an old fridge in the garage where we had some of our frozen food, so it isn't a complete loss.
C) There are lots of other, little things. One of our outside doors has a problem with the knob that makes it hard to close, one of our windows needs to be replaced, a piece of our siding got blown off in a storm, and since we have had so much rain, we can't put a ladder in our yard at this point to fix it because the ground is too soft. The hot water line for our washing machine has a leak, the newel post on the steps to the stoop has broken, and the ice we had in January caused a break in our driveway. Silver Lining: None of that really matters in the long run. I mean, yeah, it's annoying, but it's all fixable! Do we look like the white trash residence in our neighborhood? Probably, haha, but we'll get it all fixed at some point!
2) Ok, so I'm going in for my medical tests tomorrow morning and I'd like to ask again for good vibes. It's probably nothing. I hope so anyway. I'm a little nervous, but I can handle anything that comes my way if I have to! I mean, I don't want to have to handle this kind of thing, but if I have to, I can.
But I don't want to have to. That's all I'm saying. I really don't.
3) Wow, this has been a fairly negative Nellie kind of post! Sorry about that! I'm not particularly angry or anything, I guess that stuff has been on my mind recently. Good stuff has happened, I promise! The weather is nice today. We saw Black Panther last night, and it was a good movie. I'm learning to shoot a handgun, so if you need a bodyguard, I'll be available as soon as I know what I'm doing. I got some new running shoes and I'm going to get the first solid food I've had in over a month tonight! So things are fine. Sorry if I sound unpleasant. I don't mean to, I promise!
A) I broke our garage door. Well, I didn't break it myself, but I didn't realize the cable had slipped off of the pully that raises and lowers it. I tried to close it, and the cable tangled in the wheel, the door got partially ripped off of its track, and the little arm that helps guide the center of the door as it lowers got stuck and cracked the door panel down the center. We had to call Steve's dad, one of his dad's engineer friends, and that guy's grandson to come and help us try and fix it. We couldn't fix it and in the process the whole door fell off of our house. We had to zip tie the broken door to the opening to the garage until a repairman could come and get the door rehung on the track. Now we have to get a new door. Silver Lining: Now we go out of our front door more often and the cat gets a lot more attention! The cat enjoys that.
B) The fridge is slowly dying. We have no idea what is going on with the refrigerator, because sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, so when we think it isn't working, we will go in there and realize everything is cold. Good deal! Then when we go back, everything is warm. Bad deal! We're having to toss all of the food from the freezer and fridge, which is quite a loss. So. Much. Cheese. Is. Gone. Silver Lining: Right now we aren't eating normal food, and our "food" such as it is, doesn't need to be refrigerated to stay good. Losing all of the food is bad, but we can't eat it anyway, so now we get to start with a clean slate when we get to eat again in May! We also have an old fridge in the garage where we had some of our frozen food, so it isn't a complete loss.
C) There are lots of other, little things. One of our outside doors has a problem with the knob that makes it hard to close, one of our windows needs to be replaced, a piece of our siding got blown off in a storm, and since we have had so much rain, we can't put a ladder in our yard at this point to fix it because the ground is too soft. The hot water line for our washing machine has a leak, the newel post on the steps to the stoop has broken, and the ice we had in January caused a break in our driveway. Silver Lining: None of that really matters in the long run. I mean, yeah, it's annoying, but it's all fixable! Do we look like the white trash residence in our neighborhood? Probably, haha, but we'll get it all fixed at some point!
2) Ok, so I'm going in for my medical tests tomorrow morning and I'd like to ask again for good vibes. It's probably nothing. I hope so anyway. I'm a little nervous, but I can handle anything that comes my way if I have to! I mean, I don't want to have to handle this kind of thing, but if I have to, I can.
But I don't want to have to. That's all I'm saying. I really don't.
3) Wow, this has been a fairly negative Nellie kind of post! Sorry about that! I'm not particularly angry or anything, I guess that stuff has been on my mind recently. Good stuff has happened, I promise! The weather is nice today. We saw Black Panther last night, and it was a good movie. I'm learning to shoot a handgun, so if you need a bodyguard, I'll be available as soon as I know what I'm doing. I got some new running shoes and I'm going to get the first solid food I've had in over a month tonight! So things are fine. Sorry if I sound unpleasant. I don't mean to, I promise!
Thursday, February 15, 2018
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
I am officially 40!
I know, I sound very excited about it, don't I?
I actually had a very nice birthday, I really did! I got to talk to, or at least I heard from (by FB messages/a fun video/flowers), all of my favorite people in the world, a nice lady at my church brought me tea, and the choir sang Happy Birthday to me after church last night. I didn't know what to do with my face the whole time, but still, it was nice.
The only dark spot on the day was having to sit across the table from my father in law, who was eating a burger and fries, while all I had was decaf coffee, but as that is no one's fault but my own, I can't be too upset about it. :)
Anyway, I hope the rest of my 40s will be as nice as my first day of being in the club.
Thank you so much!
PS: What the hell is the point of decaf coffee? I mean, I like coffee, but DECAF? There is no point to it. At all. Thank you and good day.
via GIPHY
I know, I sound very excited about it, don't I?
I actually had a very nice birthday, I really did! I got to talk to, or at least I heard from (by FB messages/a fun video/flowers), all of my favorite people in the world, a nice lady at my church brought me tea, and the choir sang Happy Birthday to me after church last night. I didn't know what to do with my face the whole time, but still, it was nice.
The only dark spot on the day was having to sit across the table from my father in law, who was eating a burger and fries, while all I had was decaf coffee, but as that is no one's fault but my own, I can't be too upset about it. :)
Anyway, I hope the rest of my 40s will be as nice as my first day of being in the club.
Thank you so much!
PS: What the hell is the point of decaf coffee? I mean, I like coffee, but DECAF? There is no point to it. At all. Thank you and good day.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
AN ADDENDUM
Ok, so the doctor is sending me for some routine tests next week, so I should know something by that point. Yay? I’m going to spend the next week doing everything I can to not worry about it, because that is not how I want to live my life! Anyone want to help? Haha
So...there we go. I don’t know any more than I did earlier, but I’m sure everything will be ok.
So...there we go. I don’t know any more than I did earlier, but I’m sure everything will be ok.
I AM SCHRODINGER'S CAT
You know, I wasn't going to write about this. I told myself that it would be better if I just waited to see how things turned out first, because I might not have to write anything at all, you know? That talking about something personal, even on my own blog, might make people kind of uncomfortable. I mean, I know that the majority of the people who read this are my friends, but still, why talk about anything before I know, right?
However, my current anxiety levels are about as maxed out as possible in my current medicated state, so I'm going to throw this out into the universe because I need to. I'm going to be purposefully vague. Not because I want people to guess or ask questions, but because I haven't gotten to the point where I can comfortably talk about it straightforwardly, even in theory.
Last week I became aware of a possible heath situation. I say possible, because what I noticed could be nothing. It could also be a Bad Thing, maybe even a Really Bad Thing, and of course when faced with a potential Really Bad Thing, it's hard not to worry about it. I was hoping it would go away, but it didn't, so I had to make an appointment with a specialist to see what is up. They couldn't see me until this afternoon, so I've been a little freaked out for about a week now. I've tried not to think about it, and to do stuff to take my mind off of it, but it's not an easy thing to do all the time.
See, if the Thing is nothing (and there are many types of nothing it can be) then I'm good. If it's a Bad Thing, even just a little Bad Thing, then all kinds of things will go to hell. I would be sick. Not just sick, but Sick. I've pretty much gone through the scenario in my head already, and so many things would change and I'm not on board with that. At all. My biggest fear is that people would be uncomfortable and wouldn't know how to talk to me and I'd be avoided right when I needed them the most, or that they'd start seeing me as a "Sick Person" instead of just seeing me as me. I'm aware that real friends don't do those kinds of things, but it is a fear I have, OK?!
I know that I should be positive and believe that until I know for sure what is going on I shouldn't worry. I know that. However, right now it feels too uncertain. I very much don't want to be sick. I am scared.
Maybe it really will turn out to be nothing and all of this worrying is supremely silly and all of you can point and laugh and thing "Wow, she sure gets worked up about nothing, doesn't she?." I certainly hope so. I'll let you know one way or the other.
So, if you have a minute today, could you please put some good vibes out there for me? I would appreciate it.
However, my current anxiety levels are about as maxed out as possible in my current medicated state, so I'm going to throw this out into the universe because I need to. I'm going to be purposefully vague. Not because I want people to guess or ask questions, but because I haven't gotten to the point where I can comfortably talk about it straightforwardly, even in theory.
Last week I became aware of a possible heath situation. I say possible, because what I noticed could be nothing. It could also be a Bad Thing, maybe even a Really Bad Thing, and of course when faced with a potential Really Bad Thing, it's hard not to worry about it. I was hoping it would go away, but it didn't, so I had to make an appointment with a specialist to see what is up. They couldn't see me until this afternoon, so I've been a little freaked out for about a week now. I've tried not to think about it, and to do stuff to take my mind off of it, but it's not an easy thing to do all the time.
See, if the Thing is nothing (and there are many types of nothing it can be) then I'm good. If it's a Bad Thing, even just a little Bad Thing, then all kinds of things will go to hell. I would be sick. Not just sick, but Sick. I've pretty much gone through the scenario in my head already, and so many things would change and I'm not on board with that. At all. My biggest fear is that people would be uncomfortable and wouldn't know how to talk to me and I'd be avoided right when I needed them the most, or that they'd start seeing me as a "Sick Person" instead of just seeing me as me. I'm aware that real friends don't do those kinds of things, but it is a fear I have, OK?!
I know that I should be positive and believe that until I know for sure what is going on I shouldn't worry. I know that. However, right now it feels too uncertain. I very much don't want to be sick. I am scared.
Maybe it really will turn out to be nothing and all of this worrying is supremely silly and all of you can point and laugh and thing "Wow, she sure gets worked up about nothing, doesn't she?." I certainly hope so. I'll let you know one way or the other.
So, if you have a minute today, could you please put some good vibes out there for me? I would appreciate it.
Friday, February 02, 2018
OY: A QUICKY
I don’t know what it is about being on an elliptical machine, but it makes me think of things, remember things, and figure out answers to problems that I didn’t even know I had. I guess it’s the repetitive motion and me trying to ignore how bored I’m getting.
Anyways, today I was on the machine, and I started thinking about when I went to Ireland in 2016. The first day we were there, circumstances happened wherein we didn’t get to eat for many, many hours because of our schedule. We also couldn’t get any cash to buy food from the hotel vending machines because the closest ATM was out of order. It sucked and was very frustrating, as you’d imagine. That first night, we went out to a pub in Dublin with some of the other band members, but after a drink or two, Steve and I decided to go back to our hotel because we were hungry and tired.
On the way out, we saw a grocery store and walked around in it for a few minutes to see what it was like before we headed back to sit in our room, hungry and exhausted.
It didn’t occur to me until today, almost two years later, that we went to a grocery store and for some reason didn’t buy anything. We were in a store that sold food, we were hungry, yet we didn’t buy food!
I blame being tired, but man, that was stupid.
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