It was a year ago, on December 8th, that I had my weight loss surgery!
To date, I have lost 86 pounds, which is the equivalent of a whole ass middle school kid.
All along, I planned on doing a thoughtful, formal, yearly wrap up with insightful thoughts about the surgery itself; about how my body has changed, and the good and the bad of having a surgery like the one I had.
I'm not gonna do that after all. Well, not in the way that I had originally planned, at least. Instead, I'm going to talk about the things I've learned in this past year as I've gone through the changes that I have, because a lot of things that I've experienced weren't what I was expecting.
First off - eating sucks. Look, my body may have changed, but my brain has not. I'm sure I've mentioned that before, and I'm certain that it can't be that much of a surprise, but reducing the size of my stomach did not, in fact, reduce my want for food. Not on an emotional level at least. If I had ever doubted that my eating habits were tied to how I was feeling, then having this surgery removed all of those doubts. There have been days when I've been very unhappy, and my first thought is to shove food in my mouth until I feel better. The trouble is, I don't have a lot of room for that food anymore, and the amount of food I can physically stand does not soothe whatever mental thing that eating did before. Plus, if I eat the wrong things (some of which I can eat more of than others) it just makes me feel sick and sometimes puts me in physical pain. I've got a long way to go before I can recognize being full and also not emotional eating. Also, don't even talk to me about if something tastes good. I want to eat more of that thing, just like everyone else, and I can't. It's frustrating in the worst kind of way. If I can't get this under control, I'm going to gain a considerable amount of weight back, which I never, ever, ever want to do. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.
Secondly - Shopping is awesome now! Do you know what it's like to have maybe one store within driving distance that carries your size? It sucks. Especially when the things in that store are not necessarily your style? All grandma clothes with big sequined birds all over them, cheap fabrics and awkward lengths? That's what it was like before. Apparently, when you weight 230 pounds, you're also supposed to be 70 years old, not care what you look like, and be 6' 6" tall. One of the nicest parts about losing weight has been that if I need clothes, I don't have to go online, or pay extra for extended sizes, or cross my fingers that when I order the size I need, it won't be in Vietnamese infant measurements. I can literally go into a regular store and buy something. I haven't been able to do that in years. Unfortunately, due to my new enthusiasm for clothes shopping, I have purchased some questionable choices that probably don't fit my age or my personality, but I like to have them around, just in case.
Thirdly - Men treat me differently now than they did a year ago. In some ways that's ok, in some ways it's very much not ok, and in all ways it kind of pisses me off. I'm well aware that a lot of dudes look at a fat girl and see them as a joke or maybe don't really see them at all. I'm not here to judge anyone's personal physical preferences. Truly. BUT. BUT. Because I have changed so rapidly, the changes in people's behavior are really obvious to me. It didn't change gradually, so it isn't like any of this feels normal at all. Now I get some unwanted, creepy attention from people who would have used me as a joke before. Not always, and not from every guy, but stray randoms feel like they can send me DMs and make weird comments, or say borderline inappropriate things, or - God help me - just touch me for no reason. I was chatting with a man I didn't know at a work-related thing recently - and he was being perfectly normal - and then he ran his hand down my back to my hip. I genuinely don't know if he meant to be creepy, but I certainly don't think I did anything to signal "please, stranger, rub me!" I had to have a co-worker run interference between me and a much older man who wouldn't leave me alone at the same event. These men don't work with me, so I couldn't report them, but damn. No matter what size I have been, I know that I've always been the same person. I'm cute, charming, and probably more inappropriate than I need to be at times, so in all, I'm a freaking delight. All of that and I was invisible before, but the fact that just having a smaller body suddenly gets me attention? That's bull. I mean, I know those guys who suddenly "see me" aren't looking for a charming conversation companion, but still...it's bull.
Fourthly - The touching. Good lord, the touching. It isn't just men who do it. I've had all kinds of people literally say "OMG, you look so good!" and run their hands all over me, like they are trying to find out if I've just folded the fat away in secret compartments and they want to find the release switch. I know they don't mean to make things weird, but who does that? If I came up to you and just rubbed your sides like I thought a genie would pop out of your butt, you'd think it was weird too, right? I believe it must be the same thing that pregnant women go through when people rub their bellies. Maybe people can't help themselves? I don't mind hugs and things like that (usually...see above paragraph) but I didn't know people were going to pat me down like rogue TSA agents for no reason.
Fifthly - that word looks weird, but fifthly - for the most part my health is a lot better, number wise. I'm still very tired and weak a lot of times, and in dire need of finding a type of exercise that I can do on a regular basis to build up strength, but all of the numbers that were edging on the border of being dangerous, are now normal. That is a huge relief. It's one of the main reasons I had this surgery. I knew I was killing myself slowly and I couldn't make myself stop. I couldn't overcome whatever mental issues caused the overeating and emotional eating on willpower alone, so taking this extreme measure has actually done good things.
I could probably go on and on, but this is enough for now. Things have changed so much in such a short time that I'm still adjusting to everything, but I'm very glad I took the step I did. The fact that I can undo all of the good if I'm not careful hangs over my head every day, but I'm trying very hard to change my attitudes and ways so that I don't end up in the same boat as I was before. Is it easy? No, not really. It's a struggle every day, not just to keep myself fed and heathy, but to not put myself into a position where I sabotage myself. I'm naturally a self-saboteur, I think. But for now, and I hope for the future and beyond, I'm making progress in a positive way and I hope I can keep on doing that.
