What Now

I'm not doing so great. I know that's been the norm around here lately, but I think I'm finally at the breaking point and I don't know what to do.

I suppose you will hear it sooner or later, but Steve has decided to file for divorce. He doesn't think that we can do anything to fix things. It's not just about his infidelities anymore, but he tells me that he has been unhappy for a long time. He has been "content" but not happy. I didn't know. I feel like I should have known so that I could have done something to fix it. He told me that if I wasn't willing to have children, then he didn't want to be married to me. He doesn't like to talk to me, or look at me, and if we are going to have to be in the same house for longer than a few hours, he goes off and leaves me here alone. I've become a problem to be avoided, and I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything to deserve it. He's not even doing it maliciously, which makes it even harder to understand. I'm not saying any of this to make him out as the bad guy, because I don't think he is. I've failed him in some way that I don't understand. I'm a failure at being a wife and a partner. I didn't mean to be.

I don't know if I can stand it. People keep telling me how strong I am, but I'm not. I'm not strong at all. They don't see me on the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying because it hurts so much. I'm not strong. I'm losing everything and I don't know how to handle it. I'm so sad. Everyone keeps telling me things are going to be alright, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like someone ripping my stomach out and leaving me there to die. I have no choice in the matter. Things just keep getting worse and worse. My friends at the SpRocket won't talk to me anymore either, and I don't know why. Apparently there are some of our friends who told Steve that they thought we should have gotten divorced long ago, but I don't understand why. I was happy. I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong. I'm so stupid!

I've been getting things together and packing them away, and it hurts like someone just died. There are so many pictures of us having fun...I don't know when things changed.

I'm dying inside a little more every day. My whole life is being stolen from me. Everything I've worked for and loved is being taken and I hurt so much. I can't even begin to explain it. I didn't do anything...and now I'm losing everything that matters. I'm not strong and I'm not fine. Maybe I will be one day, but it doesn't feel like it. Things just keep getting worse. I've failed and I'm so sorry.