What Now

WHAT NOW, INDEED.

So, you're probably wondering why I haven't been on my blog since Wednesday. Trust me, it's been difficult. One reason is that I wanted to step back and not say anything until I wasn't quite as upset about all of this. This whole situation has been beyond idiotic and kind of unbelievable even when you know all of the details. Everyone I've explained the whole story to has felt that way. Because of this, I was afraid that anything I said might come across, well...ugly.

Don't get me wrong. I've spent many hours thinking about the people involved in this debacle; questioning the legitimacy of their parent’s marriage when they were born, wondering about the sexual relationships they may share with their mothers, inviting them to perform both illegal and possibly physically impossible sex acts on themselves and various small, woodland creatures, and sincerely hoping I am right about the geographical locations of their souls in the afterlife.

See? I couldn't say that. Mainly because I knew that I probably wouldn't really think those things once I had time to calm down. When I'm upset, I have trouble thinking rationally. I always have to calm down and think about things, or I say a lot of stuff that I wish I hadn't. I also needed to process all of the information that I was given last week, just to make sure I understood it. You know what? I still don't understand it. I mean, I was given reasons for my termination. I was given 3 different reasons, none of which rang 100% true. I was handed a piece of paper, which I'm positive was hastily typed up mere minutes before it was handed over to HR, that had a random list of my sins listed. On the basis of that, and the fact that all of a sudden, and without any prior warning, I apparently wasn’t talented enough to keep on doing my job, I was let go. I could go on and on about what happened, but I won’t. None of the details matter now, because the thing has been done.

There is a part of me, a bitchy part, that would love to name names, give specifics, and completely and totally expose the whole ridiculous situation for the whole world to read. I mean, apparently my modest little blog must have a massive readership to have caused the cluster-frak that it did last week, right? Millions upon millions of readers (instead of the 6 or so of you who visit on a regular basis) come every day to find out about my allergies and see pictures of my feet. So, I could totally destroy the credibility of some folks. Right? Yeah…I didn’t think so. I’d love to think random people liked reading what I write, but I know that the only reason my blog was located by…well…let’s call it the Evil Empire, was because I used a key word that alerted them to my presence. What it all boils down to is that I mistakenly thought it was safe to talk about something, but I was wrong. It was just that, an honest mistake. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for me to be allowed to explain my mistake, apologize and move on. I’m also fairly certain that something else I said was completely taken the wrong way, but since I was asked to take down my entry – from my own personal blog – before I could explain to the *ahem* Anonymous commenter what I meant, I never got to explain that either. I managed to step on some fairly sensitive and highly unforgiving toes without even trying. Who says I’m not talented, huh?

I hate that I lost my job, because I honestly loved it. I certainly wasn’t there for the pay, I didn’t get any kind of benefits, my bosses sometimes forgot I was there, and sometimes the work was exhausting, but I didn’t care. I loved working at the place, just because I felt like I was a part of something amazing. I was on the lowest of low places on the totem pole, but even from there, it still seemed awesome to me. I also had so many friends there that I am going to miss working with. If nothing else, I doubt I’ll never find another job that I will feel that way about. I hope I can find something else I like to do, but…there probably won’t be anything else out there like that. Also, it won’t be long until it will be as if I was never even there, and that makes me sad too.

The worst part for me is that I have no way to explain myself to the people who weren’t involved in this whole situation first hand. For the past five years I’d worked with every department, with administration – everyone - and they are going to notice I’m not there, at least until someone takes my place. I’m afraid I’m not going to be fairly represented when the story is told to them. Heaven knows I’ve been on the wrong end of gossip at the place before, so the worst story someone can conjecture will be the one repeated. I know we aren’t supposed to care what other people think, but there are a lot of people there who’s good opinion of me matters. I hate to think that they might believe I did anything maliciously or even on purpose, but who knows?

So, there you go. I know I’m not going into detail as much as I’d like, but I don’t want to cause any more trouble. I know I don’t work there anymore, but if …uh…the same people who got so upset about my blog ever come back and read it again, I don’t want them to cause trouble for anyone else who is still there. Powerful people can cause some powerful problems, that’s for sure. I hate that I caused any problems, but sometimes problems come looking for me, I think!
As for me, right now I’m doing fine. I have support from a lot of really wonderful people. I’m getting things organized for the first time in years, I’ll update the resume, make some things to fill out my portfolio, and eventually I’ll hopefully be working someplace else where I enjoy what I do. Hey, I’ve got a liberal arts degree…if nothing else, I may be serving you guys some French fries, with a smile.  I’ll miss my friends very much, but hopefully keep in touch with many of them with Twitter and Facebook – the modern day pen pal software, you know.

And that’s all I’m going to say about that.