1) Guess what?! Actually, I may have mentioned this before, but I can't remember, so I'm mentioning it now. Steve's band is going on tour again this summer in Spain and we are also taking an extension trip to France afterwards! Woo-Hoo! More world traveling!
It's still too early to do very much to get ready for the trip, but one thing we have done is check with our doctor about getting any vaccinations that we might need. I know Spain and France are not third world countries where we'll get African Snow Giraffe Pox or anything like that, but apparently we were supposed to have gotten some kind of vaccinations before going to Ireland, so we checked and as it turns out, we needed vaccinations for Hep A and B. That is a series of three shots over several months. Greeeeeeeeeeat. When I called to make the appointment, they also discovered that I haven't had a tetanus/diptheria/whooping cough booster shot since I was 14, so I was going to have to get that as well. Whee.
So I got my booster shot and my first Hepatitis shot (I didn't scream or faint, thankyouverymuch) and the next day my arm felt like the Incredible Hulk punched me. It didn't help that I got the shots after a boot camp session where we did a lot of upper body work, so I feel like I have the flu on one side of my body. This trip to Spain better be freaking worth it.
2) The behaviorist gave me a new task to do and I can't help but laugh about it.
One of the tricks that he has give the participants in our program is that we need to put ourselves on a points/award system. Actually, it isn't a bad idea, because it gives you something to work towards and it helps you get a tangible reward for doing the things that you need to do. Classic carrot and stick kind of thing, right? We pick a specific thing that we want, but can't justify spending the amount of money it costs to get it for no reason. We then pick 4 activities that we have to do, assign each thing an amount of points, and keep track of what we are doing and at the end of each week, we pay ourselves (actual money, because this guy doesn't play around) and when we finally hit our goal, we can buy whatever it is we chose.
The reason it's funny to me is because I tried that before. Well, sort of. I did that, but instead of working on the points system, I put aside a certain amount of money into a savings account every week and told myself that when I lost my goal amount of weight, I'd use that money to buy something (I think it was a necklace or some other frivolous thing that maybe cost $150 dollars, but I can't remember exactly.) So that's what I did. Every week, I'd put the cash aside and save it. As it turned out, I never lost my goal amount of weight. In fact, I can't say I lost any weight at all. I also didn't buy myself the necklace I wanted.
Instead, I ended up buying a car. That's how much I didn't lose weight. Haha, so I'm not sure this points system will work for me. Silver lining, though, is that maybe I'll be able to buy a houseboat or something this time! :)
3) I'm almost done with my first virtual race. Whee! I'm just going to start another one when I'm done, though. You should do one with me!!!! The app is called yes.fit. Do eeeeeeeet. I need people to compete against. You'll probably win, but still...shiny medals and the knowledge that you kept me motivated!
4) I can't remember what was supposed to go here. Please pretend I was witty and insightful, and maybe made you tear up with joy. :) Oh, and if you can go ahead and add a random, life affirming quote after that, I'd appreciate it.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Thursday, March 22, 2018
DUDE...
First off, let me apologize for talking AGAIN about the stupid weight loss program I'm in. It has temporarily taken over my life and I can't help that. Also, I don't have anything interesting going on at the moment, so bear with me while I talk about this.
A few weeks ago, I was feeling discouraged about the whole thing. I mean, like, I went on a mini rant about it to Steve, because it sucks and I'm hungry all the time and I lose weight very slowly. It was just a moment of pique, because there are weeks where I do everything by the book and lose zero weight and it's irritating. You understand, right? OK, so I go to the weigh in, find out that my weight hasn't shifted at all, and I do the rant. I did this privately, to Steve (who has a fat head and is losing weight rapidly because he is a man and biology works differently for men) and I got it out of my system.
I'll pause here to explain that this is usually how I work. Sometimes there are things that stress me out, or make me mad, or even things that concern me for one reason and another and I'll have a moment of rantiness about them. I just do. It's not always fun, but I have to get the initial reaction out of my system so that I can think about it rationally. I'm not completely unreasonable, I just need to have moment of emotion so I can put that part behind me. You know how it is.
Anyway, so I have this rant. I express, privately, about how much I hate doing the whole thing and about how it isn't working, and blah, blah, blah. I happened to mention that it sucked that Steve is losing weight so fast (again, I know that's just a way men and women are different) and that it wasn't fair. I mean, it isn't, but I'll take it up with God one day, because it isn't anything we can do anything about. So I'm discouraged all through that evening's class, but I'm over it by the time it's all over. No big deal.
We always have this slip of paper we fill out at the end of the class giving feedback about whether or not we thought the class lesson is useful to us, and there are places to write comments. So Steve, God love him, decided to take matters into his own hands. I know he thought he was helping, so I'll give him credit for that. In the comment section, he mentioned that it was fine to have these classes when everything was going well, but they don't do much good for the people who may not be doing so well in the program as others. ( I paraphrase, because I didn't read what he wrote and didn't know he wrote any of that until the next week.)
So the next time we go to class, I get stopped in the hallway by one of the lovely, well meaning people who run the program and asked to step into her office. There she gave me a very special pep-talk about how great I'm doing and how my weight loss is normal, and how there is no way I can compare how I'm doing against Steve because - well, blah, blah, blah. It was so awkward. I was completely mystified, because I hadn't said anything to anyone about how frustrated I was, except for Steve. Y'all...I was so embarrassed. Steve shouldn't have done that. It isn't a big deal in the scheme of things, but honestly, I'm capable of having a rant to any number of people if I feel they need to know my opinion about something, but I don't usually do it in front of anyone that A) I don't know and B) who doesn't know me well enough to understand how I work. I wasn't going to quit the damn program and I wasn't so upset that I was going to go home and eat an entire BBQ chicken (which happened once when I was a teenager, but that's another story.) I was just frustrated. I wasn't even really frustrated for long, either!
The worst thing is that because of all of this, I seem to have been branded as a hyper-competitive, over-emotional, somewhat troublesome member of this class who has to be treated with kid gloves. You can tell every time someone talks to me that they're talking to me like they're afraid I'm going to cry. I have no idea how to let them know that I'm not any of those things! Nothing I've done or said seems to change their mind. So not only am I not getting to eat normal, human food, I am apparently a kind of problem child to these people. I dunno, it sucks, but I only have a few more weeks on the program, so if I have to be this (alleged) delicate princess in their eyes, I guess that's OK. It's just weird that I can see this happening and can't fix it. Oy.
Anyways, things are otherwise going fine, if not incredibly slow. I'm doing alright. Now, if you would, please go and have a burrito or a hamburger for me. I'm begging you. Maybe just some fries... Just send me your mental joy of it, but keep the calories to yourself. :)
A few weeks ago, I was feeling discouraged about the whole thing. I mean, like, I went on a mini rant about it to Steve, because it sucks and I'm hungry all the time and I lose weight very slowly. It was just a moment of pique, because there are weeks where I do everything by the book and lose zero weight and it's irritating. You understand, right? OK, so I go to the weigh in, find out that my weight hasn't shifted at all, and I do the rant. I did this privately, to Steve (who has a fat head and is losing weight rapidly because he is a man and biology works differently for men) and I got it out of my system.
I'll pause here to explain that this is usually how I work. Sometimes there are things that stress me out, or make me mad, or even things that concern me for one reason and another and I'll have a moment of rantiness about them. I just do. It's not always fun, but I have to get the initial reaction out of my system so that I can think about it rationally. I'm not completely unreasonable, I just need to have moment of emotion so I can put that part behind me. You know how it is.
Anyway, so I have this rant. I express, privately, about how much I hate doing the whole thing and about how it isn't working, and blah, blah, blah. I happened to mention that it sucked that Steve is losing weight so fast (again, I know that's just a way men and women are different) and that it wasn't fair. I mean, it isn't, but I'll take it up with God one day, because it isn't anything we can do anything about. So I'm discouraged all through that evening's class, but I'm over it by the time it's all over. No big deal.
We always have this slip of paper we fill out at the end of the class giving feedback about whether or not we thought the class lesson is useful to us, and there are places to write comments. So Steve, God love him, decided to take matters into his own hands. I know he thought he was helping, so I'll give him credit for that. In the comment section, he mentioned that it was fine to have these classes when everything was going well, but they don't do much good for the people who may not be doing so well in the program as others. ( I paraphrase, because I didn't read what he wrote and didn't know he wrote any of that until the next week.)
So the next time we go to class, I get stopped in the hallway by one of the lovely, well meaning people who run the program and asked to step into her office. There she gave me a very special pep-talk about how great I'm doing and how my weight loss is normal, and how there is no way I can compare how I'm doing against Steve because - well, blah, blah, blah. It was so awkward. I was completely mystified, because I hadn't said anything to anyone about how frustrated I was, except for Steve. Y'all...I was so embarrassed. Steve shouldn't have done that. It isn't a big deal in the scheme of things, but honestly, I'm capable of having a rant to any number of people if I feel they need to know my opinion about something, but I don't usually do it in front of anyone that A) I don't know and B) who doesn't know me well enough to understand how I work. I wasn't going to quit the damn program and I wasn't so upset that I was going to go home and eat an entire BBQ chicken (which happened once when I was a teenager, but that's another story.) I was just frustrated. I wasn't even really frustrated for long, either!
The worst thing is that because of all of this, I seem to have been branded as a hyper-competitive, over-emotional, somewhat troublesome member of this class who has to be treated with kid gloves. You can tell every time someone talks to me that they're talking to me like they're afraid I'm going to cry. I have no idea how to let them know that I'm not any of those things! Nothing I've done or said seems to change their mind. So not only am I not getting to eat normal, human food, I am apparently a kind of problem child to these people. I dunno, it sucks, but I only have a few more weeks on the program, so if I have to be this (alleged) delicate princess in their eyes, I guess that's OK. It's just weird that I can see this happening and can't fix it. Oy.
Anyways, things are otherwise going fine, if not incredibly slow. I'm doing alright. Now, if you would, please go and have a burrito or a hamburger for me. I'm begging you. Maybe just some fries... Just send me your mental joy of it, but keep the calories to yourself. :)
Wednesday, March 07, 2018
MORE RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING
1) I have done something that I was JUST making fun a while back. I signed up for a virtual race.
In case you aren't familiar, a virtual race is where you download an app, pay a fee, and then sign up to participate in one of a dozen or so "races" that are a certain distance long. Your mobile fitness device will keep tabs on you while you walk, run, or whatever it is you're doing, and add the miles together until you meet or surpass the equivalent of the race distance. It's pretty straightforward. The only thing that really bothers me is that it feels like cheating a bit. In a real race, you've got to haul your cookies for 13 or 26 or however many miles all at once, getting pelted with hail or running when it's hot. This program really just adds in all of your normal walking, running, or working out and stitches them together, so it's not like you're doing it all together, and you can do this "race" over however long you want to. So it feels like cheating, but I suppose that's ok if it motivates you to keep moving, which is the point. I'm kind of glad we aren't doing this one all at once, because it's some kind of viking challenge and it's 65.3 miles long! This particular one is the equivalent of starting somewhere in Sweden (there's no name on the map) to just past Hell (in Norway) to reach the fjords. At least I think so, because the map is confusing. Oh, and we get a medal at the end, so I guess that's ok too. We paid for it with our entry fee, after all!
It's actually Steve's fault that I did this. Well, sort of. He signed up, and not to be outdone, I signed up as well. He's really doing great with all of this fitness stuff right now. He's lost over half of the weight that they told him to (and we aren't even halfway through the program) and he looks great and feels better, and he's basically a poster boy for this whole mess. He's very gung ho about it all, and I wish to hell I felt the same way. I basically do this stuff with him because I know the only way I'll do is if I'm not doing it alone. Plus, I'm trying to get motivated in any way I can. So I'm going to eat my words and sign up for these virtual races and get clever medals that I someone will have to get rid of one day after I'm dead! Maybe we'll get good at it and one day do a real, outside and in person race! Who knows? I mean, I'm running a fake race through Norway, so anything is possible at this point!
2) I didn't watch the Oscars last night, but I did see some Red Carpet footage. Eh, that's the best part anyway, seeing people in fancy clothes. Anyways, I noticed that Gal Gadot, the woman who is currently playing Wonder Woman (my hero) in the movies these days was wearing a dress very similar to the one I wore to my senior prom! She was totally copying me, you know. I mean, I know she's a statuesque, ex-military, former beauty queen bad ass who is playing my favorite comic book hero of all time, but still...I think I wore it better! ; )
In case you aren't familiar, a virtual race is where you download an app, pay a fee, and then sign up to participate in one of a dozen or so "races" that are a certain distance long. Your mobile fitness device will keep tabs on you while you walk, run, or whatever it is you're doing, and add the miles together until you meet or surpass the equivalent of the race distance. It's pretty straightforward. The only thing that really bothers me is that it feels like cheating a bit. In a real race, you've got to haul your cookies for 13 or 26 or however many miles all at once, getting pelted with hail or running when it's hot. This program really just adds in all of your normal walking, running, or working out and stitches them together, so it's not like you're doing it all together, and you can do this "race" over however long you want to. So it feels like cheating, but I suppose that's ok if it motivates you to keep moving, which is the point. I'm kind of glad we aren't doing this one all at once, because it's some kind of viking challenge and it's 65.3 miles long! This particular one is the equivalent of starting somewhere in Sweden (there's no name on the map) to just past Hell (in Norway) to reach the fjords. At least I think so, because the map is confusing. Oh, and we get a medal at the end, so I guess that's ok too. We paid for it with our entry fee, after all!
It's actually Steve's fault that I did this. Well, sort of. He signed up, and not to be outdone, I signed up as well. He's really doing great with all of this fitness stuff right now. He's lost over half of the weight that they told him to (and we aren't even halfway through the program) and he looks great and feels better, and he's basically a poster boy for this whole mess. He's very gung ho about it all, and I wish to hell I felt the same way. I basically do this stuff with him because I know the only way I'll do is if I'm not doing it alone. Plus, I'm trying to get motivated in any way I can. So I'm going to eat my words and sign up for these virtual races and get clever medals that I someone will have to get rid of one day after I'm dead! Maybe we'll get good at it and one day do a real, outside and in person race! Who knows? I mean, I'm running a fake race through Norway, so anything is possible at this point!
2) I didn't watch the Oscars last night, but I did see some Red Carpet footage. Eh, that's the best part anyway, seeing people in fancy clothes. Anyways, I noticed that Gal Gadot, the woman who is currently playing Wonder Woman (my hero) in the movies these days was wearing a dress very similar to the one I wore to my senior prom! She was totally copying me, you know. I mean, I know she's a statuesque, ex-military, former beauty queen bad ass who is playing my favorite comic book hero of all time, but still...I think I wore it better! ; )
L-R: Brian, Wonder Woman and some actress.
Ok, well, it's not exactly the same. Shut up! Wonder Woman is totally copying my look. At least that is what I'm going to tell everyone who'll listen! Haha!
3) Last night I had to talk to the behaviorist again. I feel like I have more appointments with him than anyone else, although I might be paranoid! We got done with our session and he said "Next week we'll be talking about raising your self esteem, but I'm not sure if you need any help with that..." Oh bless. I'm so good at faking it that I convinced a trained professional. Well, like they say, fake it till you like yourself! Heehee.
Thursday, March 01, 2018
I CAN’T SLEEP
I am supposed to be sleeping, but I’m not having any luck with that.
Because I can’t sleep, I’ve got thoughts that have been running through my head. Stupid, night time thoughts, but they won’t go away.
You know, I wonder if anyone really knew me, and I mean REALLY knew me, would they still like me? There are so many different versions of me. I don’t think anyone really knows me that well. Not even Steve. I’m pretty open with people if I trust them, but not even the two people I trust the most to tell my real secrets to know everything. Not that I expect them to care about that, haha, but still, it’s strange to know that there is a whole part of me that no one knows about.
Maybe that’s the way we’re supposed to be, though. Maybe that’s how we keep friends.
What a weird thought.
I wish I was sleeping.
Because I can’t sleep, I’ve got thoughts that have been running through my head. Stupid, night time thoughts, but they won’t go away.
You know, I wonder if anyone really knew me, and I mean REALLY knew me, would they still like me? There are so many different versions of me. I don’t think anyone really knows me that well. Not even Steve. I’m pretty open with people if I trust them, but not even the two people I trust the most to tell my real secrets to know everything. Not that I expect them to care about that, haha, but still, it’s strange to know that there is a whole part of me that no one knows about.
Maybe that’s the way we’re supposed to be, though. Maybe that’s how we keep friends.
What a weird thought.
I wish I was sleeping.
RANDOM ACTS OF BLOGGING: AGAIN
1) This past weekend we (Steve, Anthony, and I) went to a sci-fi convention here in town! It was the Huntsville Comic and Pop Culture Expo. It isn't big or fancy (yet), but we had a great time, I thought. There were a lot of great costumes, so the people watching was so much fun. I sat on the Iron Throne, I met Jermaine "Funnymaine" Johnson - who is the guy to does the funny Alabama football recaps during the fall, and I met Kevin Sorbo.
If you remember (and I know you probably don't, but I'm going to pretend you do) several years ago, I saw Mr. Sorbo at Dragon*con and he, along with his entourage, almost knocked me down a flight of stairs. He didn't even look my way as I had to catch myself. He had been on my list since then, but it turns out the man is actually pretty nice. Anthony was wearing a Saints shirt, and he stopped and we talked football with him for a minute. He's a BIG Vikings fan ('cause he's from Minnesota) so we teased him a bit, but he had a good sense of humor about it. Turns out he's very nice and probably wouldn't almost shove me down a flight of stairs at this point in his life, so he's no longer on my list. Is that really all it takes to get on my good side? Pretty much.
There were a lot of booths in the vendor area that had cool stuff to buy. I have to say, the vendor area is probably my favorite place in any Con I've ever been to, but that's because the sheer amount of local artists (and maybe not so local) that have stuff on display. I don't have a lot of room for stuff like that right now, so I didn't buy anything other than a DIY Funko Pop figurine. I'm going to make it into a Me figurine, because who wouldn't want their own Funko, amiright? Haha!
One funny thing that happened was that at one of the vendor booths, I asked one of the guys running the booth if he had a particular figure Anthony was looking for, and after staring at him and wondering why he looked so familiar, I realized we graduated high school together and had gone to church together for a few years. He hugged me and I asked him a few questions, but I have no idea if he knew who I was until right before I left him. Heh, that's fine. We didn't talk much in school, so it wasn't like he was my long lost BFF or anything. It was good seeing him, though!
We went back that night to see Jermaine Johnson's stand up act, and he was very funny. Go see him if you get a chance! He does more than talk about football.
2) OK, so Steve and I have been on this weight loss program for roughly 8 weeks, which is halfway through the worst part of the program, and duuuuuuuude, it sucks. Well, let me be more clear, it can suck. It's easier than it was, so I'm grateful for that, but I'm losing weight so slowly and Steve is losing weight so quickly, that it's hard not to wonder what I'm doing wrong. I know that men lose weight faster than women, so that's not s huge surprise, but still, so far...6 weeks of nothing but liquids, 2 weeks of mostly liquids and one meal replacement bar a day, my fitness tracker app thinks I have an eating disorder and the people at the hospital (who are lovely and supportive) have asked if I was still following the program. I am, I promise! I don't think they believe me, because everything is happening so slowly for me. It's insanely frustrating.
I haven't cheated on the program, although I've been tempted, but I don't want to mess up whatever ground I've gained thus far. I'm constantly hungry, which they said I wouldn't be, but maybe it's just me. I already knew I was an emotional eater, but geez, I never knew how much of one. Before, if I had a bad day or something was bothering me, I'd always eat something that made me feel better, because food is good and comforting, but now I can't do that and sometimes I have no idea how to handle myself when life gets on my nerves! Hehe, don't worry, I'm not a complete basket case, but it's hard to change a lifelong habit and I'm still trying to find my footing. I'm getting a bit better at it!
The behaviorist and I talked about how some parts of our lives were controlled by our "Logical Brain" and some our "Primitive Brain." He told me to imagine having a 6 year old in my head, and that 6 year old controls how I eat. If you give any normal kid a choice between a hamburger and a salad, most kids will pick the hamburger. If my logical brain was in charge, I'd go with the salad, but apparently the 6 year old is loud and persistent. For a couple of weeks, I tried very hard to rule myself in most areas of my life with my logical brain, but you know what? Screw that. My logical brain is boring! I can't live like that. Plus, I think my primitive brain is more like a 20 year old, so technically I'm not letting a child choose my food for me. However, I have been eating only what I'm supposed to eat, and my primitive brain has been pouting, but she is just going to have to chill until I see this thing through. I am determined to do that much if I can. Just between you and me, though, I'm pretty sure my primitive brain is in charge of lots of stuff, because I don't think I'm very logical, and doing the fun, inappropriate stuff is usually my go to.
I'll tell you what, though, it's hard. I was describing this to a friend of mine, and I think the worst part is that I know I could just quit this program and do whatever I want, but I have to constantly stop myself from doing that. Imagine wanting something so badly that it almost hurts, knowing you could go out and grab it, but not letting yourself because you don't want to screw something up? I'm really not good at telling myself no, I guess. Ugh...denial is not my strong-suit.
Anyways, I'm still chugging along. I don't think I'm going to be anywhere close to the goal weight they set me at this point, but I'm trying very hard! That's got to count for something, right?
If you remember (and I know you probably don't, but I'm going to pretend you do) several years ago, I saw Mr. Sorbo at Dragon*con and he, along with his entourage, almost knocked me down a flight of stairs. He didn't even look my way as I had to catch myself. He had been on my list since then, but it turns out the man is actually pretty nice. Anthony was wearing a Saints shirt, and he stopped and we talked football with him for a minute. He's a BIG Vikings fan ('cause he's from Minnesota) so we teased him a bit, but he had a good sense of humor about it. Turns out he's very nice and probably wouldn't almost shove me down a flight of stairs at this point in his life, so he's no longer on my list. Is that really all it takes to get on my good side? Pretty much.
There were a lot of booths in the vendor area that had cool stuff to buy. I have to say, the vendor area is probably my favorite place in any Con I've ever been to, but that's because the sheer amount of local artists (and maybe not so local) that have stuff on display. I don't have a lot of room for stuff like that right now, so I didn't buy anything other than a DIY Funko Pop figurine. I'm going to make it into a Me figurine, because who wouldn't want their own Funko, amiright? Haha!
One funny thing that happened was that at one of the vendor booths, I asked one of the guys running the booth if he had a particular figure Anthony was looking for, and after staring at him and wondering why he looked so familiar, I realized we graduated high school together and had gone to church together for a few years. He hugged me and I asked him a few questions, but I have no idea if he knew who I was until right before I left him. Heh, that's fine. We didn't talk much in school, so it wasn't like he was my long lost BFF or anything. It was good seeing him, though!
We went back that night to see Jermaine Johnson's stand up act, and he was very funny. Go see him if you get a chance! He does more than talk about football.
2) OK, so Steve and I have been on this weight loss program for roughly 8 weeks, which is halfway through the worst part of the program, and duuuuuuuude, it sucks. Well, let me be more clear, it can suck. It's easier than it was, so I'm grateful for that, but I'm losing weight so slowly and Steve is losing weight so quickly, that it's hard not to wonder what I'm doing wrong. I know that men lose weight faster than women, so that's not s huge surprise, but still, so far...6 weeks of nothing but liquids, 2 weeks of mostly liquids and one meal replacement bar a day, my fitness tracker app thinks I have an eating disorder and the people at the hospital (who are lovely and supportive) have asked if I was still following the program. I am, I promise! I don't think they believe me, because everything is happening so slowly for me. It's insanely frustrating.
I haven't cheated on the program, although I've been tempted, but I don't want to mess up whatever ground I've gained thus far. I'm constantly hungry, which they said I wouldn't be, but maybe it's just me. I already knew I was an emotional eater, but geez, I never knew how much of one. Before, if I had a bad day or something was bothering me, I'd always eat something that made me feel better, because food is good and comforting, but now I can't do that and sometimes I have no idea how to handle myself when life gets on my nerves! Hehe, don't worry, I'm not a complete basket case, but it's hard to change a lifelong habit and I'm still trying to find my footing. I'm getting a bit better at it!
The behaviorist and I talked about how some parts of our lives were controlled by our "Logical Brain" and some our "Primitive Brain." He told me to imagine having a 6 year old in my head, and that 6 year old controls how I eat. If you give any normal kid a choice between a hamburger and a salad, most kids will pick the hamburger. If my logical brain was in charge, I'd go with the salad, but apparently the 6 year old is loud and persistent. For a couple of weeks, I tried very hard to rule myself in most areas of my life with my logical brain, but you know what? Screw that. My logical brain is boring! I can't live like that. Plus, I think my primitive brain is more like a 20 year old, so technically I'm not letting a child choose my food for me. However, I have been eating only what I'm supposed to eat, and my primitive brain has been pouting, but she is just going to have to chill until I see this thing through. I am determined to do that much if I can. Just between you and me, though, I'm pretty sure my primitive brain is in charge of lots of stuff, because I don't think I'm very logical, and doing the fun, inappropriate stuff is usually my go to.
I'll tell you what, though, it's hard. I was describing this to a friend of mine, and I think the worst part is that I know I could just quit this program and do whatever I want, but I have to constantly stop myself from doing that. Imagine wanting something so badly that it almost hurts, knowing you could go out and grab it, but not letting yourself because you don't want to screw something up? I'm really not good at telling myself no, I guess. Ugh...denial is not my strong-suit.
Anyways, I'm still chugging along. I don't think I'm going to be anywhere close to the goal weight they set me at this point, but I'm trying very hard! That's got to count for something, right?
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