What Now

IT WAS INEVITABLE

Saturday night I watched the movie "Twilight" with Steve. I'll go ahead and get this part out of the way and tell you that it was NOT my Netflix choice. I had been successfully avoiding both the movie and the book for quite a while now, even though it's always being talked about on websites that review movies and things of that kind. Before I had even watched the movie, I was convinced that I would hate it. Why? I have no idea. Sometimes I DO judge a book by it's cover and a movie by it's trailer. It's just how I roll. At any rate, usually when I'm convinced that I will hate something, it usually turns out that I like it a lot in the end. Alas, this was not one of those times.

Now, before I tell you why I didn't care for it, and because there are a lot of people who I like a great deal who loved both the book and the movie, let me preface everything with this: I can totally understand the appeal of the story. I get it, really I do! It's a love story that every young girl would love to be in. Undying love, protection, mystery and etc. I even picked up the book and read a little bit of it before I was completely turned off by it. See, I tried! The movie was also beautifully shot, even though the blue filter was overdone quite a bit, but otherwise lovely. I can't even be pretentious and say that I think that anyone who did enjoy either the books or the movie is uncultured or plebeian, because that isn't the case at all. I can also say that if I were 15 years old, I would have dug the hell out of it. I even understand the allure of the cute vampire guy. I mean I can't lie and say I didn't have a poster of Louis Pont du Lac on my wall for a couple of years. Seriously, I get it.

Now, having said all that, allow me to paraphrase a movie I actually liked a great deal to explain my feelings towards "Twilight."

"I hated it... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving" - if you know what movie that came from, then we can be friends.

1) Bella: I hated the heroine. I hated her. I mean, she moves from a big city to a small town where she is instantly loved and admired by everyone who crosses her path in her new school. Do I hate her for being liked? No. I hate her because she basically brushed off and ignored everyone who was trying to be nice to her, and fixated on the one (1) brooding, emo, spiky-haired pale guy who treated her as if she smelled bad. I get the whole "hard to get" thing, but come on! Then the guy starts following her everywhere and sneaking in to her room to watch her sleep, and it didn't bother her! Yeah, I knew a guy who acted like that when I was her age, I called him a stalker. I'm positive that if he had had access to a car, he would have watched me sleep too. Would that make me all swoony? Heck no! OK, THEN this chick finds out he's a vampire and that doesn't bother her a bit! No, not even after he admits that he'd never wanted to eat anyone as much as he wanted to eat her. Sorry, folks, but that is where I'd be all....Heh, yeah, um....*garlickandstakesallupinyoursparklyface!* Granted, I know what the metaphor was all about, but still, no. Just, no. If that wasn't enough, then we are supposed to understand that she falls so head over heels in love with this guy, that at 17 years old, she's willing to completely give up her entire life (literally) to be with him? Huh? I'm not playing the feminist card at this point, I'm playing the realist card: that is all kinds of screwed up. Think about the person you dated when you were her age, in the throws of high-school love, and then imagine being with them for the rest of eternity. Not just till you die, but forever and ever. You see what I mean? If I did that, I'd be with a guy who not only treated me badly, but who also liked other guys. I'd be the worlds oldest vampire fag-hag! Nice huh? I wanted to punch this girl in the face. She also isn't a good actor. I mean, she reeeeeeeeeally wasn't a good actor.

2) Edward: I liked him better as Cedrick Diggory. He weirded me out with his obsessive/possessive behaviour and his hair needed washing. He did kind of redeem himself for a bit by not letting his girlfriend get hit by a car or get eaten by the mean vampires. He also seemed to be the only person who had sense not to let Bella turn into a vampire. Well, not until later, from what I understand, but at least he says no in this movie. Also, he sparkles. Vampires do not sparkle.

3) Jacob: OK, I liked him. He was cute. Move along.

4) Cullen Family: They're creepy and weird. They were helpful and nice, but they are still sparkly vampires with a strange affinity for baseball. Nice house, though.

5) Everyone else in this movie was kind of insipid, ergo, I won't bother with mentioning them.

So there you go. I actually tried to like this movie, but it made me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork before it was over. If you liked it, great! It just wasn't my cup of tea. It was, however, a first for me in a way. I've never actually cheered for a vampire to eat someone before! I wish he had listened. I hear there will be a sequel. Oy.