What Now

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO...SLEEP

Yuck.

I just got home from spending the night in the Sleep Disorder Clinic, where I honestly feel as if I'd been in some kind of torture chamber where they were trying to extract information from me.

I was very apprehensive about doing this sleep study, not so much because I thought it would hurt or be scary, but because it freaked me out to know that someone was going to be watching me while I slept. I know how dumb that sounds, because there are much worse things to worry about, but it squicked me out to know that I was going to be watched while I slept! What if I forgot and talked to myself or picked my nose or something?! Luckily I did neither, and it turned out that being watched was the least unpleasant thing about the whole ordeal.

Now, don't get me wrong, it was probably a great experience as far as sleep studies go. The assisting nurse/technician was awesome. She came in to explain everything to me and she was really nice. She managed to make me comfortable at the same time as she was wiring me into what seemed like quite an elaborate computer system. I had so many freaking electrodes stuck to my head, my face, my chest, my legs with gooey silicon gel, and some kind of clamp thing on my finger to monitor my oxygen levels. I also had one of those air things that go into your nose, but instead of a lovely stream of air flowing into my body, there was another sensor stuck into it. I felt like I was in that scene from "The Matrix" when we see that humans are stored in the pink goo pods with all of the cables jammed into them.

Seriously, I Googled Matrix Goo Pod and
found this. I love the Internet!

I was tired when I got there, so I didn't think I'd have any trouble falling asleep, but I was incorrect! Have you ever tried to sleep while being hardwired into the Matrix? Some of you probably have, and can sympathize, but it was hard. First off, you can't move freely at all. In fact, every time I moved, I felt like I was going to accidentally rip my skin off. It wasn't that the electrodes hurt, but they (and the many, many wires attached to them) pulled at me at the slightest movement. I also felt like I was being choked by the thing in my nose, which honestly, doesn't help with the whole "breathing issue" that I already have. I already have this huge fear of being suffocated, and dozing off, only to wake up feeling like someone has looped a noose around my neck, is scary! I even ripped off the nose thing in my sleep at one point and the poor lady had to come in and put it back on. She said she saw me almost do it again later, and she had to call me through the speaker next to my bed and tell me not to.

All of those wires had an endpoint on my body somewhere.
Also, I was wearing that stuff around my neck when I took the picture.
I was like some kind of medical Flavor Flav.

I even had a honest to goodness claustrophobic panic attack at one point because I felt trapped in the bed. I came so close to ripping all of my wires off and leaving. My technician said that had happened before to other people and messed up there results, so I had to lie there and mentally talk myself into calming down. That is not easy at all. Apparently I actually went back to sleep at some point, according to the sensors, but I remember very vividly looking around the room and staring at the infrared "Ghost Hunter's" camera they had trained on me.

I actually had a dream the lady came in and told me I was ready to go, and I was so grateful that I almost stood up and walked out! I'm glad I didn't because I was still wired into the equipment and would probably have simultaneously ripped a cabinet out of the wall as well as a few chunks of my hair. When she finally did call and tell me I could get up, I was so relieved. She said that my oxygen levels get very low at night and I'll have to come in for another study, only this time it will be with a mask on! The fun never ends, people! It never ends!

LATER: I finally had to go to sleep for reals when I got home. I wanted to take a shower first, because I was still sticky from the silicon gel, but I was too tired to wait. When I finally woke up, I felt like I had been beaten with multiple sticks. Also, I'm still sticky. This whole thing had better pay off in some way, or...well... I'll probably just crouch in a corner and cry at how tired I am.